Request for Prayer

 Hello everyone,

I'm writing to request prayers for divine protection. As some of you regular readers might be aware of, every October for the past few years I go on retreat in New York state at a hermitage in the woods for time to pray, read the scriptures, attend Mass with the Friars, experience silence, and digitally detox. Of course any normal person would drive the four hours one way, but this year I wanted to make a two wheel pilgrimage on my electric bike. 

The journey will take me over 500 miles round trip, and I plan to ride up in three days, and back in three days, making stops to sleep at the houses of friends and friends-of-friends in Allentown and Scranton. I plan to ride from sun up to sun down each day, stopping to charge my battery at coffee shops, diners, etc. Once I arrive (God willing), I will be at the hermitage for two days, and then make the trek back home. 

I will try to post little travelogue blog posts from my phone at the end of each day (of the ride, not while on retreat), as it might be fun to do. I'd just ask your prayers for my guardian angel to protect me on the roads and that I don't experience any mechanical failures, ensure a safe arrival. and watch over my family while I am gone. The weather is looking gorgeous so far from the predicted forecast (high 70s, low 50s), so that's a real blessing. One of the nice things about being prepared to die at any moment is you don't live in fear of death.

I probably won't write any new blog posts until then for the next week and a half, as I have some things to get done around the house before I leave. 

Thanks in advance for your spiritual generosity. 

You Ain't No Saint (But One Day You May Be)

I remember my first spiritual "high" as a newly minted Catholic. It was after the first retreat I attended as a college freshman on campus. So many new friends! God's love, so palpable! On FIRE for the Lord! And then Monday morning you get back to "real life," and the mountaintop experience slowly but surely fades, and getting down to the real work of discipleship and Christian living begins.

When I was on retreat last weekend, I fully expected to be sorely subjected to temptation and spiritual battle; instead, the Devil in large part left me alone. What I was left with was an experience of undiluted prayer, penitence, and solitude. I felt that my spiritual life had integrity and my will was in alignment. It was an environment in which, to mimic the words of Peter Maurin, it was "easy to be good."

And then I returned home, and the Devil got to work undoing everything.

It didn't happen all at once. My wife and I were scheduled to attend a black tie event that evening. After eating nothing but a dense bread for three days, I was all of a sudden feasting like a king on bacon-wrapped scallops, shrimp and oysters, and filet mignon for dinner, coupled with an open bar. Whereas St. John Cassian says we should "stop eating while still hungry and do not continue until you are satisfied," I ended up...well, not doing that. I have a pretty high tolerance for alcohol and haven't gotten drunk in years, but still ended up drinking more that I probably could or should have despite that.  

Worse than these physical gratifications, however, was a more-or-less intolerance with certain people. Rash judgement, complaining, thinking ill-thoughts, lack of patience...it was all there. I also became somewhat short with my family over the ensuing days as well. Ram Dass once said, "If you think you're enlightened, spend a week with your family." I find that pretty astute and accurate.

Whereas I was praying and reading a lot and for concentrated periods over the weekend, I all of a sudden clammed up and developed a vague aversion to the work of prayer. I was not devout, not devoted, but lethargic and slothful, easily irritated, and neglectful. 

Amazing! On literally every branch I found myself perching just days before, I was perfunctorily knocked with head-spinning swiftness from them one by one. After spending a few days soaking in the novel hot springs of spiritual fortitude, I was now flailing in the riptide which is concupiscence. How weak is the spirit of man! How tender the flesh, and how much we need God!

We should not fear the Devil, but we should also not underestimate his supreme intelligence. It is perhaps in God's omnipotent grace that as soon as we catch ourselves thinking, "I got this," he notches us down from the perch of pride and confidence in ourselves with various embarrassing thorns. Pride goes before the fall. 

Of course, my vocation is one that is in the world, and so time in the wood living as a would-be monk will always be a novel endeavor. So maybe my landing back home was a bit due to overcompensation. The truth is always in the mean, not the extremes. 

It was the feast day in the new calendar the other day of the young saint Carlo Acutis. He was born in 1991 and died in 2006....a millennial, a self-described "computer geek" from the present age that now smiles down at us from heaven. There is a part of me that looks on him with a tinge of envy--he died of leukemia at the young age of 15--and a tinge of incredulity, as it seemed in his nature to be "good." When I look at myself and my inconstancy, my turpitude, my criticalness, it is hard not to turn away in disgust. It's hard not to despair at how little progress I have made, how little love has been enkindled, and low little work I have accomplished for the kingdom. How far I am from home.

One thing is for sure--I ain't no monk, no saint, not now and probably not next year. But maybe, by God's grace, eventually.

Peace I Give To You

 Hello everyone, and thank you for your prayers for my retreat this past weekend. It was a fruitful time of prayer, penance, solitude, sleep...and not much else! The Devil did not bother me much, thanks be to God. 

There were only four friars at this particular friary and while hospitable, I didn't interact with them much. I did have the opportunity to join them at 6am morning prayer, 12:15pm Holy Mass, 3:45 Holy Hour and evening prayer, and 8:25pm night prayer. Apart from that I spent the time in my hermitage reading and praying. The propane tank was empty, though, and it got down to just above freezing at night but the hermitage stayed around fifty degrees at least. 

I switched my phone to airplane mode (so I could still use my alarm) when I arrived and didn't turn it back on until I was leaving on Sunday; it was such a simple thing, but I couldn't believe the effect it had on my psyche, as well as my sleep. With little to no distractions, I slept like a complete rock. When I was reading, I was reading. When I was walking, I was walking. When I was eating my bread and drinking my tea, that's what I was doing. I had much more mental real estate even in those short three days; and yet this is simply how all people lived just a few decades ago! 

For meditation, I read from the scriptures (the prophet Ezekial), The Imitation of Christ and the Philokalia, as well as St. John Climacus Ladder of Divine Ascent. For pleasure, I read historical accounts of the early Romans such as Pliny the Younger and how they viewed the Christians in the first and second century. Their "superstitious" obstinancy when faced with execution simply for being Christians was a puzzlment to the Romans, who regarded themselves as religious in their own right, yet using their "religion" as a means of advancement in civil society. They valued tradition, order, career--not unlike non-religious conservatives today. And yet, most first century Christians were on the low rung of the social ladder. It seemed madness to the Romans, though their preoccupation was in keeping order and maintaining social status; the Christians were like gnats that were constantly having to be swatted away or otherwise "dealt with." 

It does seem strange--as followers of Christ we deprive ourselves in this life for reward in the next. We suffer shame in high society and choose a lower order for the sake of elevation in the Heavenly Kingdom. The poor and outcasts take their place at the banquet table while the rich are sent away hungry. Everything is flipped on its head. 

And yet, I had a great degree of peace these past few days doing my best to follow Christ more intentionally, in order to conform everything about my life to his. There is a secret to the Christian life, a secret the world runs around looking for here and there, coming up with nothing but straw. But it's a secret in plain view, a gift freely given, a Way clearly laid out for anyone to follow. “Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you" (Jn 14:27).

Thank you again, and be assured of my prayers as well. Here are some pictures, since a picture is worth a thousand words:

The Feast of Booths

One of my favorite films of all time is titled Ushpizin which is Hebrew for "Sukkot Guests." Here is the synopsis from Wiki:

"Moshe and Mali Bellanga are an impoverished, childless, Hasidic baalei teshuva ("returnees to Judaism") couple in the Breslov community in Jerusalem. After Moshe is passed over for a stipend he expected, they cannot pay their bills, much less prepare for the upcoming Jewish holiday of Sukkot.

Moshe admires a particularly beautiful etrog, or citron, one of the four species required for the holiday observance. They console themselves by recalling a saying of Rabbi Nachman of Breslov that difficult times are a test of faith. After some anguished prayer, they receive an unexpected monetary gift on the eve of the holiday[2] and Moshe buys the etrog for 1000 shekels (approx. $300), a large sum of money that is much more than he can afford.

The couple is visited by a pair of escaped convicts, one of whom knew Moshe in his earlier, non-religious life. The convicts become their guests (ushpizin) in the sukkah, creating many conflicts and straining Moshe and Mali's relationship."

I really liked this film for a few reasons. One, because of the themes: trust in God, prayer, hospitality, conversion, and tradition. Two, because Moshe and Mali are three-dimensional, human characters, not caricatures (Rand wrote the screenplay, and his wife, who plays Mali, never acted before). I can relate to Moshe--he smokes cigarettes, has a past, and is doing his best to be a faithful Jew and husband in difficult personal circumstances. And three, because it portrays the healthy robustness of faith, religion, and community, rather than denigrating it. Here's a trailer, and a great clip scene as well.

What's neat in Ushpizin is that "the sukkot guests" who arrive are not what the couple expects. They are ex-cons from the world and from Moshe's past, and challenge the couple in hospitality. Do the poor not do the same for us? The monastic admonition in the words of St. Benedict, the first in his Rule, "Let all guests be welcomed as Christ" is a challenge, because he does not say "like" Christ, but "AS" Christ. Christ often comes in distressing guise.

One thing that just occurred to me is the Jewish holiday of Sukkot (The Feast of Booths) takes place next week. What is the significance of this Feast?

"The Hebrew word sukkōt is the plural of sukkah, "booth" or "tabernacle", which is a walled structure covered with s'chach (plant material, such as overgrowth or palm leaves). A sukkah is the name of the temporary dwelling in which farmers would live during harvesting, a fact connecting to the agricultural significance of the holiday stressed by the Book of Exodus. As stated in Leviticus, it is also intended as a reminiscence of the type of fragile dwellings in which the Israelites dwelt during their 40 years of travel in the desert after the Exodus from slavery in Egypt. Throughout the holiday, meals are eaten inside the sukkah and many people sleep there as well."

What's funny is beginning last year, I have been making my own type of pilgrimage retreat in a 'temporary dwelling' around the same time as this Jewish Feast of Booths, at a Franciscan (FFI) hermitage in New York state. There is significance there that I previously overlooked--I first encountered the Lord in the wilderness when I was sixteen, solo backpacking upstate; this was the beginning of my conversion and realization of my need for a Savior. 

And so I have made efforts to "go back" in remembrance to the wilderness, just as the Jews were commanded to remember their own exodus and ransoming. While Sukkot is a Jewish communal feast, I am taking the opportunity to fast and be alone--leaving my phone in the car, and bringing three loaves of bread and three gallons of water for the three days I am there. I will have electricity, a bed, and a desk, but no plumbing (outhouse), and will be gifted the time alone (apart from 3x/day communal prayer and Holy Mass with the Friars), to pray and read.

I would ask you prayers for me for this coming Friday to Sunday, as this is a concentrated time for me once a year in which spiritual battle takes place that feels more acute, because all the external distractions are set aside and there is nothing but me, the Lord, and the Devil in my "booth." Solitude is not necessarily sweet for me, but more a stinging balm good for the wounds that need dressing. 

There is a saying from Abba Moses in the stories of the Desert Fathers: "Sit in your cell and your cell will teach you everything." Our cells have a way of teaching us under cruel tutelage, in which we are "naked and alone" without excuse, without recourse to distraction, and without the degree of comfort we are used to. All we have is our selves, and the Lord. It should be good training and good penance, with that recognition that this earth is not our permanent home. We are simply dwelling here, in temporary glitz and glam, for a time in preparation for eternity.

Pray for me, and I will pray for you as well!