No, You Don't "Need" A Spiritual Director

About six months ago I was invited to consider joining an online apostolate focused on advancing in the interior life. This organization was doing good work in the realm of offering community (albeit, 'virtually'), orthodox resources, retreats, and opportunities for spiritual direction. It seemed right up my alley. Until recently, I was active in the online community and had gone on a couple retreats, and had attended a few bi-weekly meetings via Zoom. I even had a brief pro-bono phone session with a priest who served as a bonafide spiritual director; after waiting three months to speak with him, I was given some refreshingly basic advice to do at least twenty minutes of mental prayer a day, and stay in a state of grace. 

Ultimately, though, I found this community wasn't for me, more for personal reasons than anything having to do with the apostolate itself, and I ended up deleting my profile.

For one thing, it was predominated by women. As a forty-something year old married father of three who deleted all my social media a couple years ago, I just didn't feel like "discussing" "spiritual" topics ad nauseum on the message boards was necessarily deepening my prayer life or the best use of my time. Fr. Ripperger made mention in a talk recently that women reportedly derive ten times the amount of pleasure from talking/conversing/discussing than men do. I found that interesting.

I also found myself uncomfortable with the perhaps unconscious message that I would be hindered from making significant progress in the interior life apart from such a community, who seem to have "cornered the spiritual market" and set themselves up as experts in the interior life. Again, this is an admirable organization for helping people in this regard, if it in fact deepens their sacramental and prayer life. I just didn't find that was the case for me, personally. I also maintain that while they may serve a purpose, online communities are not real communities due to the lack of accountability and encounter.

I continue to do twenty minutes of mental prayer daily, attend daily Mass when I can, read scripture and spiritual classics, daily rosary, weekly holy hour, monthly Confession, periodic fasting, engage in the corporal and spiritual works of mercy, and avoid mortal sin at all costs. For me, this is the K.I.S.S. (Keep It Simple, Silly) approach. I figure if I exercise the will as best I can, God will supply the grace and give me what I need to grow closer to him in divine intimacy.  It's not like I'm dwelling in the advanced interior castles of divine union here. 

It's not that I think spiritual direction is unnecessary; I'm simply piloting my own boat by necessity.  Since I am no expert in navigating the interior life myself, and since my only guide at this point is the writings of the saints, the Scripture and Magisterium, and the Holy Spirit, I'm sure I could benefit from periodic spiritual direction.

The problem, as most ardent Catholics know, is that trained Spiritual Directors are not easy to come by. The ones who solicit directees are suspect by the very fact that they desire the role, and the solid priests and religious who reluctantly take on custody of souls are usually few and far between, with demand for their counsel far outstripping supply. 

It's not that for lack of trying, either. I've had a variety of spiritual directors in the past--from a heterodox Jesuit, to a pay-per-visit Augustinian, to a cloistered Trappist, to a monk a two hour drive from my house, it's been a mixed bag of experience. I've come to the conclusion at this point that the relationship between spiritual director and directee is such a weighty one soteriologically speaking, that I would rather have no spiritual director than have one who gives bad spiritual direction. 

In The Dignities and Duties of the Priest, St. Alphonsus quotes saint after saint on the terrible burden of ordination. I would apply these quotes to any would-be Spiritual Directors who take on the custody and direction of souls as well:

"St. Cyprian said, that all those that had the true spirit of God were, when compelled to take the order of priesthood, seized with fear and trembling, as if they saw an enormous weight placed on their shoulders, by which they were in danger of being crushed to death.

"I see," said St. Cyril of Alexandria, "all the Saints frightened at the sacred ministry, as at an immense charge."

St. Epiphanius writes, that he found no one willing to be ordained a priest. A Council held in Carthage ordained that they that were thought worthy, and refused to be ordained, might be compelled to become priests. 

St. Gregory Nazianzen says: "No one rejoices when he is ordained priest."”

 

To address this short supply of, and overwhelming demand for spiritual direction, lay people (again, largely women) have sought to undergo some form of training or certification to become "spiritual directors." I would have to agree with Patrick Madrid here, however, that except in certain rare exceptions, lay people are simply not qualified or competent to serve as spiritual directors, and that even lay people who have some formal training in theology do not, by virtue of that fact, have the requisite qualities necessary to be spiritual directors.

Not only are women the ones who predominate these certification programs in spiritual direction, but it is women also who are the ones primarily seeking out spiritual direction themselves. Whether this is because women by and large process things through verbal communication (ie, talking) and benefit from a listening ear, or if women themselves are more spiritually minded, I do not know. But what ends up happening more often than not is not formal, trained direction, but simply listening and perhaps counseling. Not that the intentions aren't good, but it can be a case of the blind leading the blind. 

Another potential pitfall in securing a spiritual director (should you be so fortunate) is the temptation of deference of responsibility for one's spiritual choices and their subsequent consequences. "My spiritual director said I should x," or "My spiritual director recommended I read y" can have the potential to lead someone into thinking they need to consult their SD regarding a myriad of decisions which, realistically, they could make without such consultation. 

This symbiotic relationship can develop into a kind of spiritual dependency if one is not careful, where we feel we must seek consult for every last thing. Now, certainly, one-off spiritual direction can come in handy during major life changes to help navigate situations in which there are a lot of factors at play. All of us can benefit periodically from having someone to bounce ideas off of. 

But God gives us the faculties of reason because he also expects us to make use of them; we don't need to overly-spiritualize everything. Most of us laity are basic Catholics with basic (common) Catholic problems that are often rectified with general and common-sense advice like the advice I got from my phone consult with the priest-spiritual director: Don't commit mortal sin; do at least twenty minutes of mental prayer a day. Read your Bible. Pray your rosary. Take part in acts of charity. Etc. 

Where this leaves me as a forty-something year old man seeking to advance in the interior life? I don't know, honestly. In an ideal world, we would all have a priest or religious to be our personal spiritual director, we meet monthly, and we advance to the upper echelons of sublime contemplation and divine union in our lifetime. 

In reality, most of us are just trying to piece together a spiritual life like beggars getting second-hand goods donated from a variety of shops. We listen to good Catholic sermons and exhortation on Youtube. We read the catechism, and the spiritual classics like The Spiritual Combat, Introduction to the Devout Life, The Imitation of Christ, and do the best we can. We don't always know "how to pray as we ought," but fall back on the Lord's Prayer, the holy rosary, and simply Adoration. And, of course, regular confession.

On that note, a regular Confessor may be able to serve a more appropriate role, and be easier to come by than a spiritual director for lay men. There is the grace of the sacrament in the forgiveness of sins for one thing. There is also the regularity (once a month, at minimum) and familiarity of going to the same priest, provided they have a baseline of basic spiritual advisement in the context of one's sins, and can provide encouragement and gentle admonishment as needed. 

I have to believe that God gives us every tool, every grace we need to become saints--not through some pre-scripted program or membership club, or only for those who have the privilege of having a spiritual director, but for all people--men and women, young and old, from the simplest illiterate beggar to the most learned theologian. The secret of grace is that it completes in us what we cannot complete ourselves--that is, our sanctification. 

If you have access to solid spiritual direction or the consult of a regular SD, good on you. But Catholics who do not have this privilege should not feel anxious, or that they have no hope of advancing in the spiritual life in that absence. God gives us everything we need, because His ultimate desire is as basic as the first line of the Baltimore Catechism: that we know Him, love Him, and serve Him in this world, and be happy with Him forever in the next. To that end, as baptized Catholic sons and daughters of God, we are lacking in no good thing.

I Will Stay

We attend Mass at your standard fare Novus Ordo church. I wouldn't normally qualify it that way, but the more traditionalist friends I make, the more I am aware that such churches are not, in fact, 'standard fare' for all. In my case, it has been all I ever knew for the past twenty years, and I never would have used the term until a year ago. The parish church we attend itself is 225 years old, so architecturally it is a cut above some of more, let's say, aesthetically utilitarian churches in the immediate suburbs. There is an communion rail, but it is not used. There are altar boys but there are also altar girls, though they do use patens when the Eucharist is given. The OCP hymnals are standard, but we do have an organist to counter balance I suppose. 

By my description you may suspect a subtle prejudice slanted towards traditionalism, and you would not be incorrect. Though I came from a left-learning background politically and liturgically, I have been reading and lending ear to those who feel the change (destruction?) of the liturgy after Vatican II was of major significance. In their view, it goes deeper than mere aesthetics to a modernist subversive front designed to splinter the Church intentionally orchestrated. Honestly, I am not well read enough to speak intelligently about these things. I have been learning and considering, and if I had to describe it in words I would say I have "traditionalist sympathies." My attitude has been, if I meet someone who is nourished by and feels that the Traditional Latin Mass will save the Church as we know it, I want to know why. So, you could say I am in learning mode.

I'm going to share a story that may seem unrelated, but you will, I hope, understand why later. Before my wife and I met, we were praying for one another. A priest told me in college, "pray for your future spouse...even if you don't know who she is." So I did. A Christian friend told her to do the same thing, and to be specific. So she did. When we did meet (online) and had our first date not long after (coffee) and then we got engaged and then we got married.

When are looking for a mate we instinctively look for someone to fulfill our needs; but it occurred to me somewhere on the way to the altar that God had set my future wife aside for me as a provision, but that I also was a provision for her. I had a role to fulfill in God's plan for her life and that as a couple we had a roll to play in God's plan for those we would encounter. I was an agent in her plan for salvation, and vice versa. 

I was reminded of this when relaying my struggles to know what to do about these "traditionalist sympathies" to my spiritual director this morning, especially since I have been questioning if our current parish is the right place for our family and that has very practical implications. He is a humble and holy priest, a man of prayer and asceticism, but also practical and pragmatic. I told him I don't want to go off half-cocked and uproot my family for knee-jerk reasons, and especially not if the Holy Spirit is not guiding the decision. He listened to my concerns, and shared, in simple terms, his thoughts.

"Have you ever wondered why God did not choose someone like John the Baptist to be the Messiah, and the Essenes to be the first Apostles?" he said. After all, John seemed to be a more likely candidate--he was a hardcore spiritual athlete, wore hair shirts and ate locusts, and never was there a greater prophet among those born of woman than him (Lk 7:28). The Essenes were Jewish separatists and followed John's hardcore example of fasting and asceticism, but lived in community. 

But that is not how salvation history was written. The first apostles hand chosen by Jesus were commoners--fishermen, tax collectors, married with children. They were not ascetics, were not scholars, were not rabbis. They were just...regular guys. 

He also said that he regularly leads retreats for Mother Teresa's sisters, the Missionaries of Charity. "Their churches are what you might think of as 'ugly,' their altars 'plain' and their singing," he smiled, "not very pretty." But they are doing God's work, what He has called them to, and this is their charism. 

"It's my belief that it is better to light a lamp than curse the darkness," he said when we were speaking of the scandal in the Church, and my frustrations. "You have to make the decision yourself of whether to stay or go and where to worship. Just keep in mind pastors come and go. And you may find you can be a light where you are." 

I nodded and considered his words. Be a light where you are. It made me reflect on my relationship with Deb--I have always told her, "I need you," but realized just as equally that "she needs me." I am her provision. I have no desire to 'trade up' or 'trade in' on my marriage, as I see so often around me when things don't work out the way we want or imagine. Whether or not she meets my needs is beside the point. We are one flesh, til death. There is no getting out of this. I'm not saying one shouldn't switch parishes should they feel called to, maybe the analogy is a flawed one. I also am not one to tell someone how to pray or how to worship. I'm just saying that for my current situation, I may have felt called out from where we are currently for self-serving reasons. It is very possible that we are there, despite perceived flaws (which every church has), to light a lamp rather than curse the darkness, to be someone's provision rather than seek to be provided for, and to offer gifts rather than strictly receiving them.

In this time of need, the universal Church needs us. The Church needs YOU. That will look different for everyone whether one feels called to worship in a traditional liturgical setting, or not. We are going to attend a Traditional Latin Mass tomorrow with friends who invited us, just to see and to experience it. I have the highest respect for it and for those who attend, but from afar. But in all honesty, I have never had a problem with the Novus Ordo either, as long as it is reverent. I know some people may disagree. But for our family, I'm inclined to think at this point, to leave our current parish would be an impetuous reaction. We will be a provision. We will light a lamp rather than curse the darkness. We will stay.

How To Find A (Good) Spiritual Director

Someone asked me recently how to go about finding a good spiritual director. The honest truth is: I don't know. It can be very hard. I prayed for years for God to provide for me in this area.

I'm fortunate in that I feel that I have a good, solid, holy, orthodox spiritual director. He is a priest and monk who is a member of a religious community about a two hour drive from me. I will try to see him in person a few times a year for confession and counsel (though I would go to Confession once a month at my local parish). He also does use Skype, so that is a real blessing because once a month or so I'm able to have a check-in that way, which is convenient, usually on a Saturday morning. He listens well, gives good, common sense counsel, and lives a life of prayer himself. He is not old and he is not young. He has a heart for the poor, and a heart for the Lord.

It can feel like a luxury in these days to have a spiritual director as a lay person. I don't know if it's an absolute necessity, but I find it helpful to have someone to talk to about in a focused, specific kind of way as it pertains to spiritual and life matters. I don't treat it as therapy, and I am mindful of his time. As you may find, the best are often the busiest.

I am inclined to say that it is better to have no spiritual direction than bad spiritual direction. For a number of years I saw a Jesuit priest for spiritual direction. He was kind but heterodox (he wrote a book on 'reconsidering' traditional Catholic sexual ethics. I also had another spiritual director for years before that who was a priest and monk, generous with his time in writing (letter exchanges via post) and very human, but sympathetic towards Eastern spiritual practices (which jived with me at the time). So, these were not maybe the best things, and I would see them as red flags today personally, but at the time I did not and honestly, I was probably in a place then when I was fine with it.

How did I 'find' my current spiritual director? Through prayer and a bit of an underground connection. I felt lead to reach out to someone I consider to be solid, orthodox, prayerful and committed to asceticism, who passed me the name of a community. I reached out to the community via email and waited a few months. The prior received my request and arranged for one of the brothers to reach out to me, which he did. We met in person, and I got a feel for him and him for me.

A couple notes:

• I personally do not pay for spiritual direction. I don't know if that is the norm or not, but I had an instance in the past where a priest did charge me as a way of supporting himself. Personally, I was always kind of uncomfortable with that setup. It you are seeing a lay counselor I suppose maybe that is normal. I just didn't like it. I will offer prayers of thanks and prayers for the intentions of my spiritual director.
• Pay attention to intuition. Trust your gut, if you are prayerful and sincere. Don't seek out people who are going to tickle your ear with things you want to hear. You also don't want some kind of weird co-dependency either, someone who will manipulate or take advantage of any vulnerabilities. If anything feels off, pay attention to that. 
• Be mindful of their time. Oftentimes this is a work of charity for them. Like I said, Skype once a month (even that may be more than they are able to give you), and meeting in person a few times a year, with 'as needed' counsel by email or phone. I try to stay focused on what my specific 'issues' at the time are, and keep it focused and pragmatic. Counsel should be appropriate to your state in life (married or single, children and family responsibilities, etc)
• I try to read a lot of the lives of the saints, and their writings. If one is a saint, we know they are in heaven and have been vetted by the Church. We can ask for their intercession and help, and use their teachings as guides (the way you might do a kind of self-guided tour). We see in the saints certain consistent qualities--charity, prayerfulness, asceticism, obedience, general common sense. The large majority of us are not mystics, though we may be drawn to the writings of mystics. I'm more of a pragmatist, personally. Find a saint who you connect with and feel an affinity to, and learn from them and their writings.
• A good spiritual director should be a man or woman of prayer. I prefer a priest, but that's just me. Do they seem like a good, living example of someone striving for holiness? 
• Pray yourself, for wisdom and discernment, and for a clean heart, for wise counsel. "Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you." (Mt 7:7)
• Surround yourself with good, faithful, orthodox people. Seek them out, in real life if possible and if not online too (though with discernment). The company you keep will determine your connections and who you come in contact with. You never know too, where those connections might lead in this regard.

I hope maybe this will help you. I'm certainly no expert, just a busy husband and dad trying to lead his family to Heaven. Pray, hope, and don't worry, as St. Pio said. Please pray for me.