Can Men And Women Be Friends?

 

I'm a "friends" guys. My friends are important to me, and have also changed over the years. I wrote about this shift in All My Friends Will Soon Be Strangers.

I'm somewhat 'gender-blind' when it comes to who my friends are. I have old friends and young friends, Christian friends and some non-Christian friends, and female friends as well as male friends. But I'm much more cognizant of boundaries today then maybe I was in the past. As I recounted in 'I'm Living the Cliche'--Extramarital Affairs And The Illusion Of Happiness, 

A few years ago I had a good friend that I reconnected with, though I can't remember the circumstances. We had worked together in the city years before, and she was a Christian. I knew her husband. We would text and email every now and then, nothing that I wouldn't show my wife if I asked, mostly conversations about faith and Christian living. I so desperately wanted Christian friends to connect with during times when I felt under siege in a pagan culture that I was willing to be somewhat gender-blind.

Still...I had a feeling I was on a slope that was a little slick. What if things got hard with my wife and I turned to this other person who seemed to understand my spiritual struggles? We had plans to get together with our kids at a park or something when she was in town one time a few years ago, but I thought better of it and said that while innocent enough, it probably wasn't a good idea. She mentioned she was relieved I had called off the meeting for similar reasons. While there was never any explicit attraction, the potential was there, and I think both of us, sensing it, distanced ourselves and eventually fell out of touch.

I've never been a good lier, or even tempted by it. As a kid I would get so anxious and sick to my stomach at the prospect of having to keep stories straight under pressure that I just vowed to never get caught in a lie by never telling one. I did have a couple friends who dated compulsive liers, which wasn't apparent right away (they was that good). There's something psychologically off about someone who lies about even little things that don't matter in order to maintain a web of untruths. I just figured, in my adult life, it was just easier to always tell the truth.

So, my wife knows I can't really lie, and that I won't really try. If I do something wrong, I fess up to it pretty much right away, for my selfish sake as well as hers.

But adultery isn't just "something wrong" that one does, like saying you took out the garbage when you really didn't. No; adultery is a complete and utter betrayal. It breaks vows, it rends hearts, it destroys families. While forgiveness is possible, some marriages never recover from such a blow, with trust never getting restored. It is such a serious threat that I don't think being a little extra cautious, a little extra 'extreme', is unwarranted.

My litmus is if I catch myself looking over my shoulder, or feeling like there is something I need to hide from my wife, that's a red flag. I have plenty of platonic friendships with members of the opposite sex, but as a general rule I don't "hang out" or get together without including her. I also will hand over my phone or email if she asks to see it (she rarely does), and because I have yielded authority of my body to my wife (1 Cor 7:4), I use her feelings as a gauge. She is a reasonable person and a sensible woman: if she's uncomfortable with something, it's for good reason, and I need to pay attention to and respect that. I can also be gullible and naive, not unlike Marilyn Monroe in the apartment scene, so she is a good point of defense in the event I am missing something.

I try to adopt the 'Pence Approach' with a little bit of latitude in my personal life when it comes to boundaries. Billy Graham recalls during his time of ministry that,

"We all knew of evangelists who had fallen into immorality while separated from their families by travel. We pledged among ourselves to avoid any situation that would have even the appearance of compromise or suspicion. From that day on, I did not travel, meet or eat alone with a woman other than my wife. We determined that the Apostle Paul’s mandate to the young pastor Timothy would be ours as well: “Flee . . . youthful lusts” (2 Timothy 1:22)

It's a little different for more high-profile people who can easily be set up or compromised, sometimes even if they weren't expecting it, by others. But I do think men and women can be friends as long as some intentional boundaries and some unspoken common sense is enacted: 

-In the 'one flesh' union of your marriage, everything that's yours is hers (your wife's) and everything that is hers is yours. That means, in the context of our marriage, if my wife ever asked to see my email or phone, I would hand it over to her, and vice versa. This keeps trust, and accountability, at the forefront of our marriage so that we give no reason for suspicion. But it only works when you are open and use that as a motivator to be honest. 

-Don't put yourself in potentially compromising situations, either in regards to temptation or public scandal. I think it goes without saying that you should not be having lunch with a female friend if you are married, and that most interaction if it takes place should be in the context of other groups of friends. This may look different for different people in different contexts, but it should go without saying.

-For phone conversations I do have with other women, in almost every case, my wife knows the woman. Any conversations should not be of a personal or intimate nature, or related to personal aspects of your marriage, but should be focused on the objective. I called a female friend last night to ask advice about a particular topic, but it was nuts and bolts stuff. Be wary of the emotions. Keep things objective. Do not confide anything or place an uncomfortable burden on someone of the opposite sex that is in any way hidden. If you find yourself looking over your shoulder for your spouse suddenly walking into the room during the course of your conversation, that's a red flag. 

-Live your own life with integrity so that you guard against immorality. If there is even a hit of inappropriateness (which can sometimes be difficult to discern) in the context of a friendship, by either party, flee. It's not worth the risk. I'd say in 99% of cases, there is no attraction between the females I am friends with--not because they aren't attractive, but because you don't let yourself go there. If you feel that you are, best to play it safe and put some distance there. These women have strong marriages, and in the vast majority of the cases, I also know or are friends with their husbands. Not to say it can't be an issue, but it does help to have that so there's no secrecy. 

These are just a few things to consider, I'm sure there are others. It is also a matter of personal comfort level and personal boundaries. Not everyone may feel comfortable and may take a more Amish approach, either for their benefit of the benefit of their spouse. I'm a little bit more liberal, but I also have a wife that trusts me and I give her reasons to. The last thing I want to do is betray that trust. If that was ever threatened, I (hope I) would back off whatever situation was putting that in danger. Common sense goes a long way, having your marriage on good footing, and appropriate boundaries. So I wouldn't take the approach of "men and women can never be friends," at least for myself. Just be smart, prudent, discerning, honest, and never give reason for scandal. There's a lot of weirdos out there. Thankfully my friends, both men and women, don't seem to fall into that category.