Sexual Common Sense

As parents of young children, my wife and I are constantly picking our battles--what needs to be addressed now, and what can wait; what is worth holding a hard line on, and what is not worth it. It is hard and tiring to be vigilant all the time, and sometimes things slide. Do we make the kids sit and eat kale salads, or do we let them eat what they want in the family room (usually cereal, usually in front of the TV)? Do we cut off all screen time entirely, do we let them watch one of two Peppa Pigs, or do we abandon them to the digital crack?

I will confess: many times we take the easiest road--path of least resistance.

This isn't because we don't love our kids or don't want what is best for them. But we are tired, emotionally spent, and some nights don't have the fight in us; we are simply trying to survive. We buy happy meals if it staves off a tantrum or because it's more convenient than making dinner, we are not above bribing with treats in desperation, and we don't always follow up on discipline as we should.

I will also confess: I feel guilty about it, and fear the accumulation of unforeseen consequences.

It feels good in the moment, like we get some respite from the discomfort and exercise of hard parenting. But it also becomes difficult to draw lines later. If we let them skip dinner at the table tonight, why not tomorrow night? If one episode of Toy Hello Kitty Cash Register on YouTube, why not ten? It makes me worry that we are making things harder for ourselves down the line by not being the kind of strict parents that hold the line whom I secretly admire.

People often forgive us or give us a pass because parenting can be hard. "It's ok, you're only human," "You're doing the best you can," "It gets the best of us sometimes." All true, and well meaning and even helpful sometimes. If we 'slip up' and let our guard down by allowing too much screen time, it's not the end of the world.

Of course, all of this would be moot for Deb and I if it weren't for two sperm and two egg that found their way to one another on two separate occasions, resulting in two new humans, two eternal souls, two gifts to their parents. We have often marveled with each other that our kids are the result of sex--one instance of sex (well, two)--that changed the course of our life forever. Sex...is powerful.

Gas stoves, water heaters, etc have pilot lights--a small flame that is kept burning that lights the larger flame when you want to cook, heat, etc. Sex drive is kind of like a pilot light...always on (to a greater or lesser degree), and when it is time to cook/heat, etc, it catalyzes the flames that lead to attraction, arousal, climax, and, sometimes, life itself. Fire can light a dark room when held by a candle's wick...or it can burn down an entire city. It can both aid life (keeping us from freezing to death, able to cook food, light paths and shorelines, etc) and can rob us of it (rape and assault, molestation, etc). 

People accuse the Church of being obsessed with sex, controlling other people's bodies, heavy in laying on the guilt, having no authority to speak on the matter, living in the dark ages, completely unrealistic and unreasonable. I used to be one of those people. But I have recently come to a point, now in my late thirties, where I am beginning to appreciate the wisdom of the Church's teaching on the gift of sex and sexuality (it only took about twenty years).

When I became Catholic in 1998, I had no problem with assenting to essential dogma like papal infallibility, teachings on Mary, Apostolic succession and authority, confessing sins to a priest, etc. But I simply could not accept this seemingly completely unreasonable moral prohibition against the use of artificial contraception. I kind of understood where they were coming from (though the Natural Law arguments were kind of lost on me as an 18 year old college freshman), but I just could not get past the impracticality of such a teaching. It was an affront, an unwelcome challenge to my presuppositions about sex and sexuality, which, not being formed in such matters growing up or in any kind of religious context, I gleaned from the culture I lived in. Not to mention I was in the height of my sexual peak and keeping a lid on things at Penn State--even as a new Catholic with a less-than-virginal background--was no easy task.

A catalyst in this growing appreciation of the deep truths about human life and sexuality was stumbling across Dr. Janet E. Smith's talk "Contraception: Why not?" a few years ago. I remember sitting at the kitchen table and listening to the audio and thinking, "Wow, this kind of makes sense." She seemed funny, well-reasoned, intelligent, articulate, and a proponent of what she refers to as "sexual common sense." A world of hurt has been born of the sexual revolution of the 60's, and it's becoming apparent in the fruits of its tree, what Pope Paul VI prophetically anticipated and set forth in Humanae Vitae in 1968 (a little long, but definitely worth a read):

"Responsible men can become more deeply convinced of the truth of the doctrine laid down by the Church on this issue if they reflect on the consequences of methods and plans for artificial birth control. Let them first consider how easily this course of action could open wide the way for marital infidelity and a general lowering of moral standards.
Not much experience is needed to be fully aware of human weakness and to understand that human beings—and especially the young, who are so exposed to temptation—need incentives to keep the moral law, and it is an evil thing to make it easy for them to break that law.
Another effect that gives cause for alarm is that a man who grows accustomed to the use of contraceptive methods may forget the reverence due to a woman, and, disregarding her physical and emotional equilibrium, reduce her to being a mere instrument for the satisfaction of his own desires, no longer considering her as his partner whom he should surround with care and affection.

Finally, careful consideration should be given to the danger of this power passing into the hands of those public authorities who care little for the precepts of the moral law. Who will blame a government which in its attempt to resolve the problems affecting an entire country resorts to the same measures as are regarded as lawful by married people in the solution of a particular family difficulty? Who will prevent public authorities from favoring those contraceptive methods which they consider more effective? Should they regard this as necessary, they may even impose their use on everyone. It could well happen, therefore, that when people, either individually or in family or social life, experience the inherent difficulties of the divine law and are determined to avoid them, they may give into the hands of public authorities the power to intervene in the most personal and intimate responsibility of husband and wife.


Consequently, unless we are willing that the responsibility of procreating life should be left to the arbitrary decision of men, we must accept that there are certain limits, beyond which it is wrong to go, to the power of man over his own body and its natural functions—limits, let it be said, which no one, whether as a private individual or as a public authority, can lawfully exceed. These limits are expressly imposed because of the reverence due to the whole human organism and its natural functions, in the light of the principles We stated earlier, and in accordance with a correct understanding of the "principle of totality" enunciated by Our predecessor Pope Pius XII. (21)

St. Pope John Paul II's129 addresses in Theology of the Body (described by George Weigel as a "theological time bomb set to go off in the third millenium of the Church") gives witness to the Church's vision of authentic sexual expression. I had heard the term before in my twenties but was never really exposed to its teaching. Here I am, twenty years after my conversion, 7 years into my marriage, 2 kids later...and discovering it for the first time.


I've often wondered what would happen if abortion was made illegal or (hypothetically) impossible to obtain. Would would happen? Would we be overrun by 'unwanted' babies? Would Main St. USA suddenly look like the streets of Calcutta? Would people resort to their own forms of infanticide?

When I drill down in the scenario a little further, there are a lot of layers. Babies don't just appear out of thin air...they are the result of sex! When people don't want babies to come from sex, they often use contraceptive measures. When you don't want a baby with someone (because you might not know them that well, are not legally married to them, whatever) and contraception fails or isn't used, abortion is considered as an 'option' to 'deal with the issue.' It makes complete sense, from a secular perspective. It's part of being 'smart.'

So, it all comes back to sex. It used to be common knowledge that sex can and does result in babies, but with the advent of contraception, that link sometimes gets forgotten about until a 'surprise' pregnancy brings us back to reality. As a society we are so far removed that to even suggest that perhaps the best place for sex to find expression is within monogamous marriage, or that the best approach to sex is to wait until you are married to have it, or that if you are single abstinence is a viable option for protecting and guarding oneself from STDs, pregnancy, and emotional damage, and that to pretend otherwise is to invite widespread dis-order--both personally and socially--is anathema to secular sensibilities.

I was really encouraged when a group of faithful Catholic theologians, doctors, nurses, academics, and mothers and fathers, led by Dr. Smith, responded en force to the 'Wijngaards Statement' issued a few weeks ago by a group of Catholic academic dissidents to the United Nations. Dr. Smith and Catholic University of America were like a light in a culture that has gone dark, putting forth and disseminating sound and reasonable teaching with 2,000 years of application to back it up.

I can't turn back the clock and erase past mistakes, but thankfully it has not been an issue of 'too little too late' in my life. The fruits of bringing our sexual expression in marriage in line with the Church's vision for human sexuality has born subtle, but good fruit, in our marriage. It is sometimes hard to have self-control and practice periodic abstinence, especially when you want to be together in that way. But it also teaches something valuable--patience, understanding, self-discipline, focus. Shifting from the adopted mindset of babies as burdens to babies as gifts has likewise been taking place, and that in turn leads to a healthy shift in perspective in other areas. Sex itself, when not sterilized, becomes more than what it appears to be on the surface, and a kind of exhilarating self-abandonment keeps things exciting and open. It is not easy to fight against concupiscence--after all, it comes naturally as a result of the Fall. But now, twenty years later for me, it makes sense...common sense.

Looking For A Good Time?

Sunday evening I had to travel to Western PA, and was thankful to be able to stay at a local monastery's guest house overnight to break up the trip a little. I went to mass on campus and joined the monks in morning prayer before I headed out after breakfast. When I am traveling for work, as I was earlier this week, I do my best to stay with friends I've made in the area just to have some company.

Whereas women may feel physically vulnerable when lodging in unfamiliar places, as a man I don't really think about that. But I do feel spiritually vulnerable when I have to stay in hotel rooms by myself. I am pretty comfortable being alone most of the time in most places, but there is something about hotel rooms that holds an air of loneliness, corporate blahness...and temptation.

Like any predator, the devil operates by drawing us away from the pack, to get us alone. For men (married or single) who seek to maintain chastity and be responsible for their sexual integrity, it really is a kind of test, and I always wrestle spiritually when I am in the somewhat precarious situation of being alone in a hotel room away from my family and anyone who can hold me accountable. Temptations seem to increase in intensity in these situations, whereas on a day-to-day basis I might not think much about them, esp if you have been away for a while from your spouse.

Finding oneself in any kind of compromised situation, as innocent as intentions might be, is dangerous. I tend not to drink when I am on the road and out at a restaurant or at a conference for work and other colleagues are staying in the same hotel, especially female colleagues. Friendliness, loneliness, and lack of accountability can be a volatile mixture, and while I have never been in that kind of situation personally while at conferences, the drunk hookups of work associates at other colleges is not all that uncommon. Strict boundaries and common sense are essential.

The most obvious threat, in my mind (and I think most Christian men would agree), is access to entertainment that would compromise one's sexual integrity right at your fingertips--whether on the hotel TV or on one's ipad, computer, or phone. A man must stay absolutely vigilant in these situations because the devil will exploit the situation and try to get a wedge in any crack in resolve. Obviously, prayer is the weapon of choice--scripture (esp the Psalms), the rosary, etc. Cold showers or a run if needed.

When I was wrestling with this the other night, I did something uber-Catholicnerdy...I whipped out my ipad, connected to wifi, and started watching "The Journey Home" interviews with Marcus Grodi on the EWTN (Eternal Word Television Network) Youtube channel. If you haven't seen it, the guests are converts to the Faith who have been invited on the show for an hour to share their faith journey, their life story, and how they found their home in the Catholic Church. It is my new favorite program. As a convert myself, I love love love hearing stories of how people came to Christ. It never gets tiring to hear. This was one of the ones I watched Sunday evening:

So, in the theme of the book I read on "The Power of Habit"--the cue, the behavior, and the reward--the cue is a sudden desire to sexual self-gratification; the behavior--which usually comes in the form of viewing pornography and/or masturbation, is changed by prayer and viewing some nerdy Catholic thing on youtube instead of that, so you are still watching a video, but it's not porn; and finally, the reward is self-respect/mastery, satisfaction and entertainment (albeit, hearing about someone's journey to faith), and an absence of guilt (which tends to perpetuate cycles of unhealthy/sinful patterns).

Whatever temptations we are faced with, it's important to remember the devil as the "Father of Lies" has no power over us in Christ, but works through trickery and deception to lead us into sin. Free will is one of our greatest gifts bestowed on us by God. The best tactic is sometimes to use that free will to flee rather than go head to head.

Fighting temptation requires strategy, since we are literally in a battle and no one goes into a battle without a strategy to win. We can't be forever surrounded by people and distractions--there will come those times when we are alone and the devil takes notice. When you are working on submitting yourself to the lordship of Christ, you better expect the devil's temptations to be expected rather than the exception.

Christ has won the war; Satan has no power over us. Whatever you need to do to avoid sin, do it. Even if it's watching nerdy Catholic videos on YouTube.

"Mow Us Down. Grind Us to Dust"

In 2002 I set off on a pilgrimage to the Shrine of Our Lady of Guadalupe. I flew in to McAllen, Texas and walked over the border into Reynosa with my backpack and rosary, planning to hitchhike to Mexico City. Sitting on the steps of a church in town and trying to figure out where I was going to sleep that first night, a man came up to me and we started in on a conversation. He was a priest, but wore no clerical collar or dress. I took him up on his offer of hospitality (a mattress in a deportation shelter, and breakfast in the morning with 40 other recently deported Hondurans and Mexicans), but I always wondered later why he was not dressed like a priest.

As I learned more about Mexican history, the reason became apparent. The Mexican Revolution ushered in a new Constitution in 1917, and the Constitutionalist delegates viewed the Church as a political enemy to the establishment of a liberal, secular nation-state...a kind of foreign body that worked against the development of a progressive and independent nation. As a result, many of the articles in the Mexican Constitution are anti-clericalical in nature.

Though such laws were on the books, it really wasn't until 1926 under President Plutarch Elias Calles that they were enforced...and brutally so. On July 31st, public worship was suspended for the first time in 400 years...not a single Mass was celebrated. Bishops and priests went into hiding. Those who refused to register were often fined, imprisoned, tortured, or executed. It was out of this anti-religious climate that the Cristeros revolutionaries fought back in the name of religious liberty, were able to put pressure on the government, but were eventually betrayed and mass tortured and executed.


Jose Sanchez del Rio was one of them. A boy at the time he joined the Cristeros in their armed revolution in the name of religious freedom, he embodied the righteous fire spoken of in Psalm 69:9: "Zeal for your house has consumed me, and the insults of those who insult you fall on me." Like David against Goliath, Jose was young and small but loved God with a ferocious love and those who hated the Lord and His Church he regarded "enemies he counted as his own" (Ps 139:21-22).

When he was captured, he was forced to watch a fellow Cristero executed as a deterrent, but he instead encouraged the man. He was told he would be spared if he denied Christ, but instead he fearlessly shouted "Viva Cristo Rey! (Long Live Christ the King!)" and had the skin on the soles of his feet cut off. He was then pushed into a grave shouting the same while being stabbed with bayonets--"Viva Cristo Rey!". He was shot in the face and in defiance to his enemies as blood poured from his head, he kissed the crucifix: Enraged, the officers shot him six more times.  He was 15. Jose Sanchez del Rio will be canonized by Pope Francis on October 16 of this year.


What does this history lesson have to do with anything? It has everything to do with everything.

I was reading the second letter of St. Paul to Timothy this evening. Paul has been deserted by everyone in Asia (1:15) with no one coming to his defense in court, writing in "chains, like a criminal"and seeing false teaching spreading like gangrene (2:17). He also speaks of the days ahead:

"But understand this: there will be terrifying times in the last days. People will be self-centered and lovers of money, proud, haughty, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, irreligious, callous, implacable, slanderous, licentious, brutal, hating what is good, traitors, reckless, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, as they make a pretense of religion but deny its power. Reject them." (3:1-9)

What is one to do in the face of apostasy, false teaching, and persecution?

"Proclaim the word; be persistent whether it is convenient or inconvenient; convince, reprimand, encourage through all patience and teaching. For the time will come when people will not tolerate sound doctrine but, following their own desires and insatiable curiosity, will accumulate teachers and will stop listening to the truth and will be diverted to myths. But you, be self-possessed in all circumstances; put up with hardship; perform the work of an evangelist; fulfill your ministry." (4:2-5)

The fate of those who stay faithful to the Truth?

"Everyone who wants to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted" (3:12)

Glenn Penner of Voice of the Martyrs Canada, said before his death,

"When people ask me, 'Do you think we will ever have persecution here in Canada?' recently I've been inclined to answer, 'Why should we be persecuted? In what way is the average Canadian Christian making such a difference for the kingdom of God that he/she warrants being persecuted? In what way does the average Canadian Christian stand out from his/her society in such a way that the offense of the cross that Paul speaks of in Galatians 5:11 is exhibited?'
"Will persecution make us better Christians? Perhaps. It seems to me, however, that the witness of scripture and the testimony of today's persecuted Church is better reflected in the phrase, 'Better Christians tend to produce persecution.'"

Paul lived his life convinced we were in the end days. He was convinced the Parousia--Christ's return--was going to take place in his lifetime. It didn't. But living as if it was--with a zealous urgency that bordered on a kind of insanity--was the fuel that set the early Church on fire.

I am not optimistic about a revolution, however. The world--our country--is asleep, and it slumbers in comfort. "In your struggle against sin you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding blood." (Hebrews 12:4) Those who are going forward are, like Paul, going alone or in small bands. Our Goliath in this fight is the government, the culture, and Satan himself. Unlike the Cristeros, I don't think armed resistance is in our case an answer to the war being waged. The Church is not a political enterprise, and when it fights political, it typically loses. It is, instead, an Institution for the care of souls. The war being waged goes beyond politics and nations. We need to respond as St. Padre Pio asking for his rosary--"Bring me my weapon," for as St. Teresa of Avila said in her vision "I saw souls falling into Hell like snowflakes."

If we deny Christ before men, Christ will deny us before the Father. Now more than ever Christians need to rouse from sleep, stand up, and unabashedly proclaim the Gospel in the face of false teaching, government coercion, and apostasy. "For I am not ashamed of the gospel. It is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes." (Rom 1:16)


In 197 A.D., Tertullian, one of the early Church Fathers, wrote: "Kill us, torture us, condemn us, grind us to dust; your injustice is the proof that we are innocent. Therefore God allows that we thus suffer. The oftener we are mown down by you, the more in number we grow; the blood of Christians is seed."

Persecution for the sake of righteousness (Mt 5:10) is not the exception to the rule--it is the rule. It should come as no surprise that it is part and parcel with being a Christian, one who dies with Christ in order to be raised with him (Rom 6:8). Stand your ground; gird your loins with truth, and put on the breastplate of righteousness (Eph 6:14). Sell your cloak and buy a sword (Lk 22:36). Be ferocious and zealous, even if like Paul you have to go alone. Fight to the bitter end, as if your soul depended on it. Because it does. For "only the one who stands firm to the end will be saved." (Mt 24:13)

Regimes throughout history have sought to exterminate the Church. And yet she survives, thriving sometimes in the midst of the very persecutions that seek to squash Her like a cockroach. I fear apostasy and false teaching more than persecution, because it's a subtler tool used by Satan himself to deceive so that we might lose our souls in the process. I fear liberalism and secularism and materialism because they offer false promises that seek to usurp Christ from His throne and drag souls into Hell. And yet wisdom is vindicated by all her children (Lk 7:35). The Church and her faithful are free in Christ. The government, the culture, even Satan himself have no hold on them. For if the Son makes you free...you are free indeed! (Jn 8:36)

Now You Will Be My Mother

I'd like to share a little story. I don't know if it means anything, but I also know how God tends to work. So if I may...

Last weekend we were at the beach and Deb and I went to Mass at St. Jude's in Lewes Sunday morning. We were early, so we sat in one of the front rows. When we sat down, I noticed a small silver medal on a chain left on the pew. I recognized that it was a Miraculous Medal, because I have one that I keep on my keychain. 

Deb picked it up by the chain and looked at it. Not really thinking, I told her "You take that. It was left for you."

"But what if someone comes back for it?" she asked.

"It was left for you."

We came back from the beach Monday evening and settled in to the week. Tuesday we got a call from Deb's dad that her mom was complaining of severe head pain, and was taken to the hospital. On Thursday, she slipped into a coma. We were able to gather the family around her, pray over her, read the scriptures, and have her receive Last Rites before she passed that evening.

During her final hours Deb remembered the medal in her purse and kept it close to her. The story of St. Catherine, who experienced a vision of the Virgin Mary and commissioned the medal, is one I knew about but wanted to revisit. It struck me when I read the following from her life story:

"Early one morning shortly after her mother's death, a family servant came silently upon the little one standing on her tiptoes, stretching upwards, impelled by love, until she reached the statue of the Blessed Virgin. As she held the statue in her arms and leaned her head against the Madonna, the servant heard the child say, "Now, dear Blessed Mother, now you will be my Mother!"

It's been a hard week for all of our family. But throughout my days I am struck by God's gracious mercy, his mysterious ways, and find myself spontaneously offering him thanks and praise for what I don't understand. God is so good. He loves us so much. He has given us everything we need, all the graces necessary as a free gift through the sacrifice of his only begotten Son, to be with him forever in Heaven when we die. We get comfortable sometimes and forget that this is not our final home.

Maybe it was a coincidence, the finding of this medal in the pew. Maybe it means very little on the surface, a minor thing. The night her mom passed, Deb put on the medal and now wears it around her neck.  I also took mine off my keychain and wear it around my neck. A small comfort, perhaps. But a reminder, from one child who lost her mother to another, that there are no orphans in God's adopted family, and that we have a Mother for all who have lost theirs. 

A Saint For Our Times

Like many people around the world, we are celebrating the canonization of Mother Teresa. She is a saint close to my heart, and sometimes I wonder why (our daughter's middle name is Teresa, after the saint). What was it about her that made her a spiritual model for my life? Why do I ask for her prayers so often? I'd like to speculate:


Mother Teresa was a saint of our times: 
The fact that she lived in our lifetime gave me hope, like a light in the darkness, that becoming a saint and living completely for God was still possible in this age. She didn't live in the 12th century or 45AD, but in our lifetime. God gives us all the graces we need to follow. It is still possible! She gave me hope.


She was fearless, and a fearless defender of the unborn:
Mother Teresa recognized the genocide taking place in our country and the world, and called it what it was, in a sometimes embarrassingly blunt manner. I think a lot of people, and Catholics too, will put abortion as just one issue among many, on par with poverty, or the death penalty, or social justice. I used to be one of them, but something changed for me in the past couple years. Sometimes its the 'seamless garment' that we hide beneath. Mother Teresa never hid or treated abortion as an 'issue' on par with other issues. It was a matter of life and death.


She was a 'dark night ' saint:
She smiled when she felt empty inside. She continued to serve and love when feelings of love had left her. When 'Come Be My Light', her collection of letters, were released in 2007, no one knew the extent to which her interior life was cloaked in darkness and the feeling of the absence of God. She considered it a divine trial, but an excruciating one for someone who loved Jesus as much as she did. She loved when she did not feel loved. She smiled in spite of the darkness. She did not depend on 'feelings' of service, but served. This was not a mental depression, but a spiritual desolation. I think very few will ever understand the extent to which she suffered.


She raised an army:
Her initial order started with about a dozen nuns, and by the late nineties had grown to over 4,000. What attracted women to join her order working with the poorest of the poor? They knew they were doing God's work in a world that discards people. They recognized the sanctity of life, and had the privilege of seeing Jesus every day in the 'distressing disguise of the poor'. They drew their strength from prayer and the sacraments. Their schedule was demanding, and called for sacrifice. It gave them something higher to live for.


She was shrewd as a snake, and innocent as a dove:
These were Jesus' own words in Mt 10:16. She was smart and shrewd on behalf of the poor. She moved in circles that would be off limits to many.


She said Yes to God:
Her "call within a call" experienced on the train to Darjeeling (when she was still a Loretto Sister) was a transformative moment. God was calling her to something. He need her. She consented. She trusted He would make it happen. She said Yes unreservedly. God would use her faith to do great things, or as she would say, "small things with great love." This is what makes a saint: to say Yes to God.


She was tireless. She did the work:
Her Sisters were poor themselves. They kept a militant schedule. There was much work to be done. Mother Teresa was a pragmatist. She had little time for philosophizing. She didn't do it for a few years and abandoned the work, burnt out. She did it til her dying breath. Her hands were calloused from tending the wounds of the sick and dying. Her knees bruised and aching from hours kneeling in prayer. She had fortitude and perseverance--gifts of the Holy Spirit.


She trusted in authority and her superiors:
Mother Teresa submitted herself to authority, and to her Spiritual Directors. She recognized their authority as legitimate, as passed down from the Apostles themselves.


She recognized that suffering had its purpose in the divine plan:
She comforted the dying, but often was criticized for her not providing morphine and things like that, but encouraged them to accept their suffering. She suffered herself, and embraced what suffering came her way for the sake of being united to a suffering Christ. She believed in transformative suffering, that suffering has something to teach us.


She was rooted in prayer:
It was said that the Sisters spent three hours in prayer for every hour they worked. They were devoted to Jesus in the Eucharist, in Adoration, in private prayer. They drew their strength from God in prayer. They would not be able to do the work they did without it. It was indispensable.



Thank you Lord, for the gift of St. Teresa's witness to the world, to our age, to our nation! St. Teresa of Calcutta, pray for us!

When Marriage Disappears, We All Wash Out To Sea

At the urging of friends, I conceded to posting for seven days for the "Love Your Spouse Challenge" that was popular on Facebook recently. I enjoyed reflecting on and having the opportunity to share personal stories of the good times and challenges. I think Deb and I have a pretty good marriage, pretty solid. We knew what we were signing on for, were in our early and late thirties, respectively, and had the support of our families. It is also not lost on me that we have a lot working for us in terms of economic advantages. I have plenty of stories to share of how we have been blessed and challenged by marriage. None of them were disingenuous, but something about the nature of the 'challenge' was bothering me that I couldn't put my finger on. 

It wasn't until I read an excellent study on the state of marriage in the U.S. titled "When Marriage Disappears" that touched on a lot of troubling aspects about the state of marriage as a whole that made my stories seem like they were missing the forest for the trees. It's as if I was busy painting a picture while a war raged outside our bedroom window.

The state of marriage in the U.S. is kind of like a "Social Global Warming"--the acceleration of the damage done has far-reaching implications threatening to erode the economic and social well-being of our culture, and what has been contributing to it has been happening for decades: the acceptance of and ease with which divorce occurs; children born out of wedlock; the commonplace nature of cohabitation; severing sex from it's intended purpose--the pleasure reserved for married couples and the ontological extension of that love in the creation of new life. 

There's been a good deal of press in the press (I'm thinking of the NYT, specifically) about the growing "marriage gap" that divides among the fault line of class. That is, the affluent are "doubling up" on the economic and social advantages that comes from marriage, while the poor and middle America are being left behind. But marriage is beneficial to everyone--both individually and collectively--not just the well off. Marriage may be even more important for poor and middle class Americans, but the rate of marriage for those in this socio-economic strata are not keeping pace with the well-off. From the study:

"The United States is increasingly a separate and unequal nation when it comes to the institution of marriage. Marriage is in danger of becoming a luxury good attainable only to those with the material and cultural means to grab hold of it. 

It goes on:

"The marginalization of marriage in Middle America is especially worrisome, because this institution has long served the American experiment in democracy as an engine of the American Dream, a seedbed of virtue for children, and one of the few sources of social solidarity in a nation that otherwise prizes individual liberty."

I think it was this paragraph that hit the nail on the head though, which drove home my unease with the "You and Me, Babe" focus of the Love Your Spouse Challenge. Because marriage is about more than just you and me:

"Over the last four decades, many Americans have moved away from identifying with an 'institutional' model of marriage, which seeks to integrate sex, parenthood, economic cooperation, and emotional intimacy in a permanent union.  

This model has been overwritten by the 'soul mate' model, which sees marriage as primarily a couple-centered vehicle for personal growth, emotional intimacy, and shared consumption that depends for its survival on the happiness of both spouses. 

Thus where marriage used to serve as the gateway to responsible adulthood, it has come to be increasingly seen as a capstone of sorts that signals couples have arrived, both financially and emotionally--or are on the cusp of arriving."

The poor and middle strata are finding that

"their life experience is at odds with their aspirations. They have not been well served by the 'soul mate' model of marriage, which is less accessible to them--for both cultural and material reasons--than is the older 'institutional' model of marriage."

Read the study. It offers some really insightful data into how we all suffer when marriage seems 'unattainable', when we attempt to twart the traditional model of marriage and replace it with a foundation made of sand rather than rock. There's nothing wrong with stories--when you paint a picture of a good marriage through your witness, it shows that it's not unattainable, that it's just one example of many of what it can look like. But it needs support--from government, faith communities, and individuals--and it also goes beyond the attaining of individual happiness. Happiness and financial advantage are the by-product, not the end goal. 

We're down at the beach for the weekend. It's a stormy weekend with Hurricane Hermine hitting the coast. Beaches are at risk of severe erosion when there is not strong dunes with rooted grasses to keep it at bay. That's why there are restrictions on walking on the dunes or damaging them; it is recognized how valuable they are. Once they are gone, there is nothing to keep from being washed to sea.

Maybe we should start seeing the institution of marriage in the same light.

To Read Again

I look back fondly at my years in high school and college, before my intellect and attention span collapsed under the NWO of the digital revolution. As my dad described the younger me when he and my mom were over for dinner last week, "you were always doing something. You could never sit still." That's true, for the most part. The one thing I did sit still for, however, was reading. 

I have fond memories of books; I loved to read. Like my first bicycle, it really was a passport to other worlds. I would always have a paperback in my back pocket of backpack, usually accompanied by a small notebook where I would take notes and jot down ideas from what I was reading. Fiction and nonfiction, poetry...I didn't discriminate. I appreciated the texture of yellowed pages and bumpy typeset, the musty smell that came from used copies with a history of passing hands down through the years, random dog-eared pages and faint pencil underlines. 

I read Stephen King's 1,153 page apocalyptic novel The Stand when I was in 6th grade. I remember taking my dad's copy of Herman Hesse's Steppenwolf on a Greyound bus to Maine and finding an Amtrak ticket stub from 1971 as a bookmark. Oscar Wilde's The Picture of Dorian Gray I would read on solemn winter days from a clapboard room I rented on Union Street in Doylestown. I ripped a copy of Thoreau's Walden in half, taking half with me to read on the Appalachian Trail and mailing the second half to a PO Box somewhere up the way in Duncannon. I treated my turquoise copy of Volume 4 of the ancient eastern book of ascetic wisdom, The Philokalia, with a reverence, as if it contained mighty powers of transformation. And it did. My library copy of Jack Kerouac's The Dharma Bums came with me everywhere I went in high school. I read it six or seven times before buying my own copy at City Lights in San Francisco years later in my twenties, breaking the binding over a coffee and brandy at Vesuvio in North Beach.  It was Dostoevsky's The Brothers Karamazov that marked my travels wondering the South Island of New Zealand, light filtering through the curtains of the shed I lived in on a horse farm.  Camus' The Stranger. To name a few.

I haven't read a legit novel in years. The thought of sitting down to revisit Tolstoy's War and Peace is a foreign concept, unimaginable today. These days I consume information. I scarf up bites and while it rarely gives me indigestion, it is not broken down. I do not savor. I do not sit back and chew 30 times before each swallow. I move from one course to the next in sequence, from multiple plates before me. I visit blog whorehouses for thirty second satiation session, burp, and move on to the next window. Nuance is lost on me. Anything too complex is glossed over. Don't ask too much of me. I don't invest in characters and plot. I simply distractedly swallow things whole before it disappears in the ether of a virtual feed.

It's a sacramental past I will never get back, and that the young adults of the digital age of today will never know. Cranky, I know. I really do mourn the loss of it though; my attention span, the appreciation for development, the willingness to invest in characters and follow a plot to it's end, choosing pants with back pockets big enough to hold whatever paperback I was reading. Every book (like every cassette tape song back then), had a memory tied to it. They were like cairns left to mark the path to adulthood should I ever wish to revisit. Their physicality was important. I have thrown or given away a lot of books over the years, but some I have kept. They've earned their place on the shelf.  

The Many. The One.

"If you quit smoking now, you would save $100,000 over the course of your lifetime!"
"Every year, x number of Americans die from lung cancer."
"For every puff of smoke you inhale, you are ingesting 3,147 difference carcinogenic chemicals."

Most smokers know it is killing them. They know the stats and the negative health consequences. They know how much money they throw away on cigarettes. They've seen the black lungs and the warning labels and experienced the logic and endured the pleading from their family to quit. Yet they continue to smoke. Arguing by logic or by statistics does not help people to quit. Enticing them with how much money they will save by quitting does not make them quit.  Scaring them into quitting does not work. It's not that these things are not true--it's just that they are not effective.

So, what is keeping people smoking, and why do these tactics fail to work in the end?

I think it is a matter of perception.

Here it is: Smokers perceive that they need nicotine to function normally; they cannot live without it., and that it is an enjoyable pastime. There is a large amount of fear tied up there that keeps them dependent on nicotine, a fear perpetuated by an industry (Big Tobacco) that makes a good amount of money off keeping them dependent. Nicotine Replacement Therapies like the gum, the patch, lozenges, etc, is merely an extension of this mindset that says, "We know your health is important to you. That's why we want you to stop smoking. But nicotine is so powerful, so essential to your life, that we don't want you to have to live without it. So take it in this form. But be sure to keep taking it or you will die (or at least feel like you will).

The reality, though, is that nicotine's efficacy is extremely short-lived. It is in your system for a maximum of 3 days, which means that if you go three days without smoking, there is no nicotine left in your system, at which point it becomes a head game and not a physiological dependency. Smoking itself had ceased to be enjoyable years ago, and is no longer about gaining pleasure, but avoiding discomfort (the discomfort of habitual withdrawal). Your mind (and the industry which helps feed the habit) convinces you you are powerless over it, that you will surely die without it, or that at best your life will be insufferable.

But in fact, when you quit, you realize (with the right mindset/perception) that life is pretty good without it, and that everything keeping you smoking--the "pleasure", the fact that you will die without nicotine, or that its absence will leave a hollow hole in your heat--were all a lie. Far from dying, you've escaped a kind of slavery that is liberating. You can breath easily, and you do indeed seem to have more money in your pocket. You don't have to go out in ten degree weather to feed your habit. You don't smell, you aren't a social leper. Your family is happy. Your doctor is happy. You are happy.

My point is that perception is important, and what seems like obvious reasons for change are not always so obvious to those caught up in the lie.

Which leads me the topic of abortion.

Planned Parenthood is kind of like the Big Tobacco of the abortion industry. Their tactics are similar: they are based in fear and lies, they make money off something that is harmful, and their product kills people. You don't make money giving out free condoms or providing mammograms--abortion is the bread and butter that keeps the doors open and people employed. Given the fact that there is so much access to contraceptives thanks to PP you would think abortion would be a tragic consequence of failing to "be smart" and use them. But the fact is that 54% of women receiving abortions had used a contraceptive method during the month they got pregnant.

Contraceptives in this sense are akin to the patch or gum. You cannot live without unrestricted sex; you simply are not capable of being abstinent. When the contraceptives we provided fail, come see us. We have a backup.

The PP narrative is that we are better off as a country, as a world, with abortion than without it. You cannot live without abortion. This country cannot support 59 million more Americans being born. An unwanted pregnancy should strike fear into one's heart and short-circuit any chance of ever living a successful, fulfilling life of one's choosing. As we saw at the DNC, abortion as "safe, legal, and rare" is no longer the case--it is, instead, a right to be celebrated.

* * *

For many years the pro-life movement has mobilized people to make a stand and fight for the rights of the unborn. They tirelessly organize marches and work to influence legislature; gather for vigils outside clinics; and hold signs and placards in public displays that to raise conscious awareness of what is going on. There is an 'abortion clock' (1.4 billion worldwide; 59 million in U.S. since 1973 as of this morning) that offers the cold hard death count. As a whole, however, the movement has not yet won the fight in what would be the pinnacle of perceived success: the overturning of Roe vs Wade, and the ending of legalized abortion

When David Daleiden and the Center for Medical Progress came on the scene with their undercover video operation exposing Planned Parenthood's harvesting and sale of fetal body parts, I thought it was going to be a game changer. I admired this young man's courage in putting himself on the line for what he believed in and attempting to bring to public consciousness what this industry engages in. It would only be a matter of time before people were face to face with the undeniable truth of what was going on, would be unable to logically and consciously support this kind of industry, and it would just be a matter of time before legislative action was taken to overturn R v W.

That didn't happen.

Some people were surprised and upset for a while at what was going on, but like many things in the social media age (Rachel Dolezal, Police Protest, the Orlando massacre), people soon forgot. Meanwhile the clock keeps ticking.

I'm afraid we are coming to a place of fulfillment in which the prophet Jeremiah's words ring out as a mortal indictment:

"When you tell them all this, they will not listen to you; when you call to them, they will not answer. Therefore say to them, "This is the nation that has not obeyed the Lord its God or responded to correction. Truth has perished; it has vanished from their lips. Cut off your hair and throw it away; take up a lament on the barren heights, for the Lord has rejected and abandoned this generation that is under his wrath." (Jer 7:27-29)

But what to do? Are we beyond hope? Is the pro-life "message" an ineffective one, like the anti-smoking crusader working to get people to quit and rid the world of nicotine once and for all by carrying around placards of black lungs and a death count clock, or handing out $100 bills in exchange for their last pack?

Now, let me say first off that I have not been on the front lines of the pro-life movement. I have been to one vigil outside an abortion clinic which hardly warrants me any clout to speak about such a charged issue. The 'troops on the ground' who have been fighting the good fight year in and year out are tired. It's been almost 50 years since Roe v Wade. Like the war on poverty, abortion is not going anywhere, and if anything it seems to be on the rise. I don't think that's cause to give up or give in. But maybe it is time (if I may be granted the liberty) to re-evaluate just what the end game is.

* * *

When the Syrian refugee crisis started in 2011, the extent of displacement (over 11 million, half the country's population) was so large it was just a number to us here in the U.S. This is often referred in the psychology of charity as "scope insensitivity." I prefer Mother Teresa of Calcutta, the front-line foundress of the Missionaries of Charity, observation: "If I look at the mass, I will never act. If I look at the one, I will." When we are presented with the opportunity to help just one--one man, one woman, one child, whose face we see and who moves us to compassion and action--it becomes possible.

And so maybe, rather than tackling the mass, we limit our scope, and focus on the one.

When I am faced with praying to end abortion, maybe instead I can work to encounter one person--one woman in crisis, one doctor, one clinic worker, one child in the womb--and focus. Talk to her. Share with him. Pray for them, daily, and intensely. Do not let them go. Offer assistance, financial and otherwise, to the one. Do penance. Plead with the Father, do not relent, do not stop knocking.

I think of Abby Johnson, a former clinic worker who experienced a conversion at the hands of those who were relentlessly praying for her, and who is now doing amazing things in the Pro-Life movement. When I read her testimony, my eyes welled with tears at God's goodness and mercy, and at the power of one:

Six years ago today, despite not having a job or knowing what I would do outside of working at Planned Parenthood, I quit. I decided to trust God...something I had never really done before.
I called my parents who were on vacation and told them the news. They had to pull the car over, they were overwhelmed and crying tears of joy.
At 4:25pm, I faxed my resignation to the HR department, put my security badges and keys in my supervisors box and walked out that heavy door for the last time.
There was a young man from the prolife group that I had gone to the day before out on the sidewalk when I left. He wanted to make sure I was able to leave without incident. I waved to him, told him I would come to their office the next day, got in my car and pulled out of the driveway for the last time.
He didn't know that I could see him, but I remember looking in my rear view mirror and seeing this man raise his hands to heaven and fall to his knees.
You see, there had to be days when they thought to themselves, "She's never going to leave." But then I did. Never doubt God's love for the sinner. Oh, how He loves us all. 

* * *

Let me end by saying this: Years ago, before I got serious about my faith, I was reading a book on human sexuality based on the teachings of St. Pope John Paul II and Humanae Vitae by Christopher West at a Christian bookstore in Phoenix when I was visiting some friends. I got about half way through gritting my teeth, but eventually physically threw it across the room. Save sex for marriage. Don't use the pill. Be chaste. Entrust your sexuality to God. Complete unrealistic nonsense. It has taken me almost ten years to digest what I read. It has been a hard pill to swallow. But, like quitting smoking, there is a freedom that comes with submitting to God's design that is not immediately understood or comprehended, a freedom that once tasted has you never wanting to go back to what you came from. It takes a lot of trust and a good deal of reasoning, and it can be hard to digest. Your perspective starts to change, and then other things, and before you know it, your life is transforming. When you see God's design for human flourishing not, in the words of Chesterton, as the walls of a prison but those of a playground, keeping us from falling off a cliff, it changes your perspective. 

Do I know what it is like being forced with the choice of getting an abortion or not? No. Do I have any right to speak on the topic? I'm not sure. But one thing I do know: Fear is a powerful force. But it is not more powerful than Love, the perfect love that casts out fear (1 Jn 4:18).

If we are busy loving, there is little time left for judging. Women faced with this choice do not need stones thrown at them, do not need to be yelled at or scared into compliance. They need love and support and prayer. For a moment, lay aside the masses, and pray for just one. And maybe things, then, will start to change.

"Never worry about numbers. Help one person at a time and always start with the person nearest you." -Mother Teresa

The Feminization of Christianity

I was always a Seinfeld and The Simpsons fan. I thought both shows had a knack for observational humor that people could relate to. They are really the only two shows I can think of that I can find a reference to for almost any situation in life ("This is like the time when George/Kramer/Moe/Barney/etc...").

One episode of The Simpsons I remember from childhood was "Homer the Heretic" when Homer one day decides not to accompany his family to church. He dances in his underwear, makes his famous waffle recipe, wins a radio trivia contest, watches an action-packed football game, and finds a penny. Basically it is the best day ever "and I owe it all," he says, "to skipping church." Meanwhile Marge and the kids venture out in a snowstorm, endure a rambling sermon by Rev. Lovejoy while shivering (heater in church broke), and come back to a car that won't start (Worst day ever). When they get back, Homer declares he is never going to church again.

I think a lot about why people don't go to church, and more specifically, why men don't go to church. Turns out I'm not the only one. I am not a regular reader of 'The Art of Manliness' blog (I appreciate what they are trying to do, but I always thought it was weird that men should learn how to be men by reading a blog on the internet, let alone reading a blog about what kind of scotch is the most manly, or what the correct way to sharpen a hunting knife is, or whatever other cliche things 'make a man'), but I did appreciate one of their articles recently unapologetically titled "The Feminization of Christianity." 

Now keep in mind this was written by a tag-team husband and wife, not a husband alone. It isn't a vent-off but rather a studied commentary traces this phenomenon through history (back to the 13th century) on the reasons how men perceive Christianity or religion as "something for women" and as a result, aren't completely on board with the idea. 

I don't know how, but I recently got roped into teaching 5th grade Faith Formation (CCD) at our church. I attended the introductory meeting for catechists last week and, wouldn't you know it, I was the only male teacher there. To be honest, aside from the big commitment (every week for seven months), this was my big hesitation in not wanting to teach in the first place--I just seemed out of place. Objectively, I can do it--I have the theological training, and have taught middle school aged kids before when I lived in Philly. But personally, faith formation just seems like it's not set up as my territory as a man teaching it. On the other hand, maybe it is a good opportunity; two thirds of the kids on my class roster are boys, so maybe I can have a formative influence for them that they might not get otherwise.

I think about the decline of church attendance a lot because it has direct implications not only personally for me but also because it is indicative of the direction we are heading collectively in terms of losing our spiritual and moral bearings as a society. There was an obscure Swedish study done that was referenced in an excellent but obscure essay buried in the internet I came across a few years ago about religious practice and how it is handed down generation to generation.

It's findings? I won't bore you with the statistics, but the overwhelming conclusion based on the data was telling: It is the religious practice of the father of the family that, above all, determines the future attendance at or absence from church of the children. 

If this is true, than we have been missing the forest for the trees in our attempts to bring people back to the fold. No wonder why we are withering on the vine! 

While I can sympathize with men who, like Homer, see church as irrelevant and off-putting, I don't think it's too late to reframe the narrative. I appreciated this comment from a reviewer on Amazon for Professor Leon Podle's book The Church Impotent that resonated with me:

"Jesus Christ was the epitome of this masculine template. He left his family, underwent supernatural battle in the desert, defeated the devil, and brought back a great boon of enlightenment to his people. Then, he was tortured and killed for their sake, but conquered death itself with his Resurrection, bringing salvation to humanity. Men instinctively relate to this heroic, glorious an masculine aspect of Jesus. He was, and is, everything we want to be as men. Yet, the feminine church has replaced him with Jesus meek and mild, a woman with a beard in popular iconography, a nurturing bridegroom who walks and talks with me and tells me I'm his own, a mother who kisses my boo-boos and provides a shoulder to cry on. To be sure, men need comforting too sometimes, but a religion that focuses on our weakness rather than our strength will not keep our interest long. And when the search for masculinity is divorced from the spirit, it manifests itself in the faux transcendence of modern America; sports, sex, and violence."

So, what, if anything, is to be done? 

If you are a man:

1)  Pray.  Prayer is not reserved for old church ladies fingering their rosary beads. If you are a man, pray as a man and don't feel you need to adapt your prayer life to that of a woman's. Pray as a knight going into battle.  Pray for more troops, for reinforcement in the ranks. God made you a man. Start acting like one.

2)  Go. To church. (Even if you don't like it). Do it as a matter of duty, if nothing else.  Do it for the sake of the sacraments. If two thirds of attendees at church are women, it is no wonder that pastors adapt to their audience? The more men who fill the pews--even if it's in spite of the music and hand holding--the more pressure there is not to discount their presence with feminized services.

3) Lead your family. Assume your rightful place as spiritual head of household. If you're wife has assumed the responsibility because you haven't, talk about it, repent, and step up. Far from being resentful, I your wife will appreciate that she's no longer shouldering this responsibility alone.

4) Seek out other men. This may take some work. You need to be in solidarity with your brothers in the faith. "How good and pleasant it is when brothers dwell together in unity!" (Ps 133:1) Be accountable, and have a partner to be accountable to. 

5)  Serve. Be a servant leader--in your work, in your family, in your community. Defend the defenseless--the poor, the outcasts, the unborn. There is strength there, and witness.

6) Mentor boys and young men, especially those who do not have fathers or male influence in their lives. Take them places, teach them things, be there for them in ways others cannot. The effect is powerful! 

7) Live with integrity. Put the porn and video games away. Steward your household. Treat your wife well. Be consistent. What you are learning and teaching is not found in textbooks. It is how you live that matters, and what other boys see.

What kind of scotch you drink, your deer-skinning skills, if you can tie a bowtie...this is the veneer of being a man. It is not old-fashioned or misogynistic for men to have their own narrative and for that narrative to sometimes be scripted, specially, by other men: to give our lives in service, to protect the vulnerable, to be dutiful in our responsibilities, to love our wives and protect and provide for our families, to do things we don't always want to do for their sake, to compete and take care of ourselves physically.  We can't afford--for the sake of our boys and our girls--to leave manhood for dead and absent from the pews. Our future as a church depends on it.

Death, Where Is Your Sting?

Deb got a call this afternoon from a family member of a friend who is receiving hospice care. When we saw her in the hospital a couple weeks ago her cancer had spread to her brain but she was still cognizant.; we were able to pray with her and read Psalm 23, encourage her to take part in the Sacrament of Confession and that we would arrange for a priest if she wanted one, and let her know she is loved. She has since gone unresponsive and the friend's daughter's text--'please come'--signaled to us that she would be gone in a matter of days.

As Deb and I were sitting in the car in the driveway trying to figure out whether to go over tonight or tomorrow (a tomorrow not promised to her), we were talking. She told me after she got the call, all the stupid stuff that happened throughout the work day didn't seem to matter. Thats because there's nothing more important in this life than preparing for our death. There's nothing more crushing to our sense of what is than the introduction of this most unwelcome guest. It is one of the most intimate places we can be. The person preparing to meet the Lord will see more in those last moments than we probably will in a lifetime of living. So there needs to be a lot of respect that those moments belong to the person experiencing them, and that you are an honored guest at that time.

How do we live our lives? How do we prepare for our death? Since it comes like a thief in the night (1 Thes 5:2), we can never be sure when we will pass from this life to the next. Are you ready?


Repent

Like an exam, it's hard to cram near the end--our dispositions can be misaligned after a lifetime of bad choices. But no one is beyond God's mercy and forgiveness. The thief (Dismus) who responds on the cross next to Jesus, "Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom!" (Lk 23:42). He took ownership of his life and choices No one can come to the Lord without repentance. John the Bapist spend his entire life devoted to preaching repentance.  Confess your sins with your tongue. Do it often, so it becomes habit, so that you will not be caught like the virgins without oil in their lamps when the bridegroom arrives in the dark of night. (Mt 25:1-13). Cheated on your wife? Repent. Had an abortion? Repent. Hated your parents? Repent. This is where it all starts, and nothing starts without it.


Be Baptized

"Very truly I tell you, no one can enter the Kingdom of God without being born of water and the spirit." (Jn 3:5). Anyone can baptize in the event of death, even an atheist. Ex opera operato ("by the work worked"). A ll that is necessary is water and the recitation of the Trinitarian formula, "I baptize you in the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Amen."  One can also be baptized by desire (ccc 1259) and by blood (ccc 1258). But baptism is necessary for salvation. Jesus, though he was free from sin, himself was baptized by John to model for us how important it is.


Believe

Entrust yourself to God's mercy and loving kindness. Believe, "for if you confess with your voice that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved." (Rom 10:9). Without faith it is impossible to please God (Heb 11:6)


Pray

Pray. Prayer is your lifeline to God. How can the Lord know you and you know the Lord unless you talk? Lift up your heart to the Lord, however it looks like is less important than the doing. If your prayer is "God help me!" that is a good prayer! Anyone can pray. Don't be like the Pharsisee rattling off how good you were in this life, and how you deserve to be saved.  "No one is righteous, not even one." (Rom 3:10) Jesus himself prayed in his dying hour, "Father, why have you forsaken me?" (Mt 27:46) and "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do."  (Lk 23:34). Ask the saints to intercede and pray for you...they are God's friends in Heaven and our friends too (the communion of saints). They are models of those who have died good deaths and been welcomed into the Kingdom. Follow them.

Our culture does not prepare well for death. "Sending kind thoughts" does not help anyone crossing the abyss, and we distract ourselves throughout life and try to pretend like it is not our end. We live forgetful. This is not a test. Listen to the words of the Lord who does not pull any punches: "Make every effort to enter through the narrow door, because many, I tell you, will try to enter and will not be able to."

What we suffer in this life is nothing compared to the pains of Hell. But no one--NO ONE--is beyond God's saving graces. Prepare, and be assured of your salvation in Christ, and sing victorious with Paul in 1 Cor 15:55: "O Death, where is your victory? O Death, where is your sting!"