Majoring In The Minors

 I'm preparing to give a talk this evening at our monthly men's prayer fraternity on the virtue of chastity, and in doing so was making various back-of-napkin notes. Every virtue has an opposing vice, and related to the virtue of chastity I wanted to discuss the vice opposed to the virtue of perseverance, which is mollities, or "softness." St. Paul uses this verb in 1 Corinthians 6:9 as it relates to the sin of sodomy. I think it really needs to be discussed in the context of the virtue of chastity because while sexual immorality is the one temptation we are instructed to "flee" from, there is still a good bit of fighting against the flesh that goes on. We run, yes, but we also must fight the temptation to indulge the flesh. For the man used to a pattern of self-abuse, putting a stop to it involves ardor, and to the degree that he shirks from that mortification and suffering betrays a kind of mollities spirit, whether he is heterosexual or homosexual. 

But there is something else I want to cover in this discussion on chastity, and I use it as a segway into what I want to discuss here, and that is that the external trappings of chastity (modesty of dress, fasting of the eyes, temperance, continence) are all servants of love/charity, the good and end of this virtue. 

I think St. Paul sums this up for me famously in 1 Cor 13:1-3: 

"If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing." 

We've heard this passage so many times it tends to become white noise. But isn't it really the essence of Christianity, of our faith? Isn't it primary, served by all the secondary ends? Doesn't it deserve primacy of place in our spiritual lives, our praxis, and yes, our Lenten observance?

We can call into the same problem with fasting during this season--doing the exact thing our Lord warns us not to do: adopting a gloomy continence, or becoming preoccupied with the nuances of our fast or either self-congratulatory or self-condemning while neglecting the weightier things of the law--that is, the law of love. Our Lord admonishes the Pharisees for this "majoring in the minors" in Matthew's gospel, "For you tithe mint, dill, and cumin, and have neglected the weightier matters of the law: justice and mercy and faith. It is these you ought to have practiced without neglecting the others" (Mt 23:23).

I see this all the time in the online Catholic world. Whether it's a particular outrage du jour, or a pet project of picking apart some TV show as if our eternal salvation depended on such critiques, or even the insider baseball in-fighting over liturgical nuances, these things wouldn't be as much of a hollow gong if they did, in fact, communicate the love with which they supposed to be concerned with. Often what I see as an observer is the antithesis of charity--I see the Saul, the righteous Pharisee defender of religious orthodoxy, and not the Paul who becomes weak, "all things to all men," and boasts only in his weakness. Again, we hear it like white noise, but how much meditation have we lent to the continuation of Paul's letter to the Corinthians.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." (1 Cor 13:4-8)

Lent often degenerates for many people like myself because we neglect an elusive charity in our hearts in exchange for the tangible ticks and notches our forty days affords us--signs that we are progressing in the spirit, mortifying our flesh more, becoming more disciplined and hard-packed. But to what end? If we are not growing in charity, we are gongs. We forget our purpose, our Lenten raison d'etre. Like the chaste man who is cold in his heart, who has choked out love and openness and self-deference because he sees it as a threat to his tenuous virtue. Who is so consumed with tamping down the weeds of lust and avoiding occasions of sin that he forgets how to love. Because his heart has not been born again, but only patched on the outside. Chastity is really a matter of the heart, not the groin.

I had a therapy appointment yesterday, because I have really not been feeling myself since undertaking some of these disciplines--having gone cold-turkey off of nicotine a month ago, and coffee (switching to tea) a week ago, in addition to fasting every day and more severely on Wednesdays and Fridays...all potentially "good" things. But I'm sleeping 12 hours a day now, and feel a little...hollow. Not myself. It may just take some time to adjust, but my faithful Catholic therapist suggested it was too much taken on all at once, and encouraged me to "just have a freaking cup of coffee" if I need it. I was actually relieved to hear that, and I didn't take it as a free-pass but simply perhaps a bleed valve in case my charity grows too cold. If you're fasting and a jerk to your wife and family, you're not doing it right. I haven't taken that liberty of the cup of joe yet, but it's good to know that it's a minor thing in the shadow of the majors, which is namely, charity.

Increasing in charity is really a slow grow--you can't force it anymore you can get that orchid to bloom in time for your birthday. But you can practice in order to make it more....common for you. The way a bad habit needs to be replaced by a good habit, and aided by grace. Pray for an increase in charity, and then endure the hard work of self-deference of blessing someone when you'd rather curse them, praying for your enemies, giving alms when it hurts to do so and even when people are undeserving, making time for someone in need of a pep talk or tea at the kitchen table. Charity is the master, and these things its servant.

If you are deep in prayer and your neighbor in need knocks on your door in need, you are majoring in the minors if you piously refuse to rise and answer--not only the external door, but the door of your heart. For even the Lord healed on the Sabbath. He knew how to tell the meat from the bone, the major things from the minor ones, the purpose of the Law in addition to it's letter. He was so critical of the Pharisees because they were experts at "majoring in the minors." They converted no one, but set themselves up as judges and executioners of righteousness. Don't be like them, our Lord says. 

The Tertullians of our day are out there, observing and noting how we as Christians conduct ourselves. To the degree we give them pause and they note, "see how they love one another!" we are doing things right. To the degree we are focused on the minor barnacles of our faith when they do not serve the larger purpose of that love, we are missing the mark, gongs resounding from a shallow and hollow core.  

"You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet": The Alarming Ascent of TransPorn

When I can't fall asleep, there are two things that usually do the trick and make my eyes go heavy: praying the rosary, and reading any kind of statistical data. 

But every now and again, a particular statistic will make me sit up and do a double take, and that was certainly the case when I heard that pornography under the "transgender" category (aka, TransPorn) increased in popularity by 75% over the past year. That makes it the 7th most popular category worldwide and the 3rd most popular in the U.S. Like Planned Parenthood's research arm (the Guttermacher Institute, which reports abortion data), this comes straight from the proverbial horse's mouth--PornHub, the Amazon of Porn.

I'm going to write that again, because it didn't quite sink in for me the first time and made it hard to fall back asleep:

Pornography under the "transgender" (aka, TransPorn) category increased in popularity by 75% over the past year. That makes it the 7th most popular category worldwide and the 3rd most popular in the U.S. 

We used to think the nuclear family (married mother and father with children) was normal, and that while there were exceptions (divorced parents, second marriages, widowed spouses, etc), this was the norm. Now, in the general populace, the nuclear family is the exception and minority. Sadly, you are an anomaly if you live in such an arrangement. 

You could make a similar case (in a twisted kind of way, if you'll allow me the liberty) with porn. Vanilla, straight, male on female intercourse was largely the meat and potatoes of the porn industry a few decades ago. Pornography is not good, but in terms of the natural appetite, this orientation was more or less "normal." Sure, there were always kinky sub-genres, but they were just that. 

Now, if you're into straight, vanilla, missionary style porn and that's what you order exclusively from the menu, you're like the kid from the nuclear family--a complete anomaly among the general populace of porn viewers. 

With the commercialization of pornography, studios have had to diversify their portfolio and respond to changing tastes and market data. It's like the cereal companies that keep having to add NEW! and NOW WITH MORE MARSHMALLOWS! marketing slogans to the boxes to keep sales up. Porn is a moral epidemic, a public health contagion, and a sinful misuse of our sexual nature. But we can't forget that it is also a product, designed in a free market for public consumption. 

But this acceleration of inversion (and perversion) of the "normal" sexual appetite--a 75% increase in popularity in the last year alone--is simply staggering, not to mention disconcertingly unnerving. And here's another crazy stat: while men viewed porn tagged as "trans" 22% more than women, women on “straight” Pornhub viewed the “trans male” sub-category 115% more than men. 

Folks, this is not normal, and it is certainly not of the God above.

If pornography is the commodification and exploitation of genitalia removed from the human person, then wouldn't it make sense that we have been reduced to such animalistic sexual reductionism? What does it matter if the breasts you are seeing belong naturally on a woman or are artificially constructed on a man? As long as you are able to rub off according to the porn-du-jour, isn't that what matters in the end? Porn producers use Alinsky-type tactics to exploit the good and natural, God-given human appetite for sex as such:

ISOLATE IT

OBJECTIFY IT

USE IT

DISCARD IT

Rinse and repeat.

Of course, this has been happening since the beginning of time with prostitution, pimps and madames, and the Romans were no strangers to sexual perversion (which they normalized in their culture). But like the advent of the internet, the speed with which this pandemic has metastasized and warped the minds (and bodies) or our culture is simply astounding.  

For porn companies, the capitalization on the trans-tsunami is simply catching the wave while it is at its crest. As big-business, they are concerned with expanding market share. After all, why limit yourself to 50% of the populace (men) when there are untapped markets (women) who may be open to exploration? Another interesting thing to note is that these sub-genres are not competitors in the way K-Mart might compete with Sears or Boscovs. It's all porn, albeit in different flavors. 

No, the only competitor in this marketplace of degradation is Chastity--and she is vastly outnumbered. Those who refuse to be a consumer and chose abstinence instead are fighting on multiple fronts--against their own appetites and concupiscence; against the cultural tide; against their peers; and against the spamming porn peddlers themselves. To succeed, they must be intentional, day in and day out, and must also rely on (and be disposed towards) grace in addition to the exercise of the will. 

As a product-variant, the trans phenomenon is an effective multiplier. Combined with fetishes and a dizzying combination of "gender-fluid" and FtM/MtF scenarios, you are suddenly not limited to "gay porn" and "inter-racial" porn and "MILF" porn, but an infinite cocktail of every conceivable combination.

This is so beyond the Emperor not wearing any clothes. 

If you think all of this is completely nefarious, you are not off base. But it is only because you have the eyes to see the physical and spiritual reality, while the rest of the world is completely blind and will suffer for it. What a perversion is today becomes simply a different flavor tomorrow. 

The Father of Lies sows the seeds of confusion, and as many an exorcist has noted, his reign is coming to a close so he is throwing everything at us all at once in a last ditch effort to drag as many souls to Hell with him as he can in the short time he has left. Things will probably get worse before they get better, but let's face it--things are pretty bad now. This may explain, from a spiritual perspective, this acceleration and normalization of something that is completely not normal, not healthy, and not good. Those qualities have Satan's handiwork written all over them. As a conniving and supremely intelligent entity, he too is looking to expand his market share--to the young, the innocent, and to the Church herself--and will use anything at his disposal to confuse, corrupt, and condemn as many souls as he can to make them eternal consumers in Hell. As Fr. John Hardon was fond of saying,

"Ordinary Catholic families cannot survive. They must be extra-ordinary families. They must be heroic Catholic families. Ordinary Catholic families are no match for the devil as he uses the media of communication to secularize and desacralize modern society. No less than ordinary individual Catholics can survive, so ordinary Catholic families cannot survive. They have no choice. They must either be holy -- which means sanctified -- or they will disappear."

The scary thing is, this stuff is hard to walk back from. As I wrote in The Healing of Memory, God can restore us by grace even when we have fallen victim to pornography use by our own volition, if we are firm and committed in wanting to live lives of virtue and chastity. But apart from the miraculous, you don't just wake up one day from a year of watching trans porn and suddenly know how to have a normal, healthy sexual relationship. The extent to which one's mind can be warped and sexual response affected by this digital refuse should not be underestimated. 

The only real response to porn--trans or otherwise--is simply to opt out and refuse to be a consumer. It's not a social boycott or a social-media outrage campaign that will force the hand of the porn execs, but a spiritual commitment to chastity. Starve the beast. Refuse to play the game. Focus your sexual energy exclusively on your spouse, and do so in a way that does not use them for selfish ends. Don't be like a dumb ox led to slaughter. Remember: this is not normal. 

Related:

The Walls of the Playground: In Defense of Vanilla Sex

Porn And The New Spiritual Health Crisis

Throw Her Out

If You Don't Flee, You're Going To Fall

 Sexual temptation should scare the hell out of a married man. There is a reason why St. Paul says there should not be even a hint of sexual immortality among the brethren (Eph 5:3), and that even a little leaven (of false teaching) works its way through the whole dough (Gal 5:9). Once you open that door, it's hard to shut. 

We have a conscience for a reason, and it should be well-formed. When it is, you know when certain actions are appropriate or inappropriate. We cannot always avoid temptation from besieging us, but we can use prudence to discern the situations we put ourselves in. Even then, the mind does not always rest. Thoughts and temptations that enter the mind that are not accented to are not sins, but temptations. And temptations are to be resisted. "Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you." (Ja 4:7)

Or are they? In his second letter to Timothy, St. Paul notes that we should be the ones fleeing such temptations and desires: "Flee the evil desires of youth and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart." (2 Tim 2:22). 

So, when does one stand and resist the Devil, and when does one recognize that their best defense is to flee? 

When it comes to sexual temptation, we only have the upper hand insofar as we refuse to engage the temptation, whether in thought or action. Once the seed has taken root--and that may be lingering a few seconds too long on an image or memory, or purposefully knowing where to look or who to call, etc--it is slippery, wily, seductive...and much more difficult to leave alone. In this case, the best course of action is to flee the scene, as Joseph did from his master's wife (Gen 39:7-9). 

When we pause to entertain the possibility, even for a split second, we have the potential to lose our resolve. In fact, because of concupiscence, it is not that we hate what offends God, but that we are in fact attracted to it, pulled by it! The fruit of sensuality is sweet and intoxicating, and keeps temperance smothered in a nearby closet as it speaks. A man is undone by his member. 

It's not only our members, though, that will cause us to fall. It starts with the eye, the window to the soul. And even before that, thoughts arise from the mind. If I am entertaining memories of wistful times with an ex-girlfriend during the doldrums of my marriage, eventually that split second of thought turns to two. The next thing I know, my heart rate is up, I'm excited, discontent with the present and maybe even looking them up online, "just out of curiosity." Then you have situations like this, which are more common than you might think:

"Karen* was just going about her day when she logged into her Facebook account and saw a private message from Richard*. They casually dated back in high school and he wanted to catch up.

"At the first email contact," says the married mother of three, "he was a completely insignificant person from my high school past."

After weeks of exchanging emails and catching up with each other on life experiences, Karen asked Richard to call her. When she hung up the phone after an hour-and-a-half chat, Karen’s world came crashing down.

"By the time we ended that first call," Karen says, "I was sobbing because I knew I was in deep trouble with an attraction to him and realized [my] marriage was in deeper trouble than I had admitted to myself."

Her husband accused her of unfaithfulness by having these conversations and developing these feelings. She insisted she was driven to these conversations out of feeling emotionally stunted in the marriage. Although Karen and Richard never met face-to-face, her 16-year marriage eventually came to an end."

I actually had an incident come up in the past year which was maybe innocuous, but had the potential to defray. A female friend from college had reached out to me via LinkedIn because she had seem one of my articles. I hadn't spoken with her for years, so it was kind of exciting to reconnect, since she was a faithful Catholic as well. I gave her my number and told her to give me a call sometime. 

It was nice to catch up about the faith and our current lives, and she asked if it could be a weekly phone conversation. I was okay with a one-off conversation, and even a follow up one, but this felt a little...dangerous to me. Although there was a part of me that liked the idea, and I could kind of rationalize that it was innocent enough because we were talking about religious things, and she was in a different part of the country, the part of me that wasn't comfortable with it was enough to cast doubt on the wisdom of such engagement. If I continued on, I would be hiding it from my wife. So I brought it up to her (my wife), and deduced I would have to just be frank with my friend and tell her I couldn't continue with these kinds of conversations, innocent as they were. My wife concurred. I had to run away.

After I told my friend I couldn't have regular conversations with her, I didn't hear from her again, and that is probably for the best. I'm both a weak man and a naive one, and that's not a great combination. Were I to "resist" these attractions while still subjecting myself to them, the potential to be undone by them would be ever present. Best to just flee the scene, even if it is embarrassing or gruff. Apart from my faith, my marriage is the most important thing in my life. Even a hint of threat to it is too much. 

If your conscience is well formed, you know when there is a threat. I do have female friends who I speak with, but my wife knows them, and we have an "open phone/computer" policy. When my conscience tells me I have nothing to hide, I am at peace. But when I get that sneaky feeling, like "I don't want my wife to see this," that's a red flag. That's when you throw fire on that flame, stomp it out asap or run away like a little girl. Embarrassment or losing your coat is a small price to pay for a clean conscience. 

We do need to resist the Devil, so that he will flee from us, as St. James says. We don't need to be afraid of him when we are cloaked in the mantle of the Lord and our Lady. 

But we need to be smart--sometimes digging our heels in and fighting is not the best tactic. Fight when you need to fight, run when you need to run, and learn in prayer when to know the difference. Keep everything in the light, keep nothing secret from your spouse. The moment you start to feel excitement, tingling, anticipation, etc at the prospect of something that has the potential to turn into sin, you are playing with fire. And fire can spread quickly, and get out of control before you realize what's going on. 

Our first parents were not overtaken by brute strength in the garden, but a smooth tongue. And we are still paying the price of that fall. Don't make the same mistake! "Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths" (Prov 3:5-6).

Top of the Sixth, Bottom Of The Ninth (and Tenth)

"Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife: nor his house, nor his field, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is his" (Deut 5:21).

If there was a Family Feud: Catholic Edition, Steve Harvey might pose the question to the contestants: "What Commandment do men confess to breaking the MOST?" Most people would intuitively answer "The Sixth Commandment." And they would most likely be right. As Our Lady told St. Jacinta of Fatima, “The sins which cause most souls to go to hell are the sins of the flesh.” Sexual sin is a major problem for men, and difficult to get under wraps!

Ask any woman the same question, though, and unchastity may make the list, but as a collective it's most likely not near the top. I'm not a woman, but based on my observations I suspect a sin many women struggle with involves the 9th and 10th Commandment: jealousy, envy, and covetousness.

The Catechism links greed and envy (#2538-9): “Envy can lead to the worst crimes… It refers to the sadness at the sight of another’s good and the immoderate desire to acquire them for oneself. Envy is a form of sadness that comes from lack of charity.

But where does this sin of envy come from? For men, sins against the ninth and tenth Commandments are relatively straightforward. Generally speaking, men crave power and wealth more than women do; if they seek to acquire more in terms of goods, it is because of the kitchy adage: He who dies with the most toys wins. The sixth and ninth Commandments are linked, of course, since our Lord warned that "whoever looks a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart" (Mt 5:28).      

What about for women? I would wager that this happens more subtly, more internally, and is more weighted towards the inherent inward sadness more than the immoderate desire to acquire. Insecurity is a breeding ground for envy. New moms, and even some seasoned moms, face the temptation of comparison and when it is indulged, can lead to sin. This may involve projection, speculation, inane "mommy wars," or simply an inability to be secure in one's parenting abilities. Comparison poisons the well of contentment. 

A two-for-one consequence of this sin of envious sadness involves the close but distinct link between the ninth and tenth Commandments. For when a woman is preoccopied with what other women/moms/wives are doing, it may be less that she is "coveting another woman's husband," and more that her envious, preoccupatory sadness is crowding out the attention that should be reserved for her husband. This "mental absence" can contribute to an emotional (and sometimes physical) distancing from their husbands they might not even be aware of. Husbands must take ownership of their sexual faculties which are reserved for their own wives, of course. 

But wives, too, must be on guard against creating an environment in which they have put other 'things' in the seat which should be reserved for their husband. Wives are not directly responsible for their husband's sins. Yet, then again, why do men look outside the marriage chamber? Is it perhaps because they seek to be acknowledged, elevated, and yes, put first and given undivided attention by their spouse? And when she fails to do so, is she blameless? Were you to notice the danger of putting your children, your envy, your jealous sadness before your own husband...would you view this temptation to sin differently? "The heart of her husband trusteth in her, and he shall have no need of spoils" (Prov 31:11)

"Not that we dare to classify or compare ourselves with some of those who are commending themselves. But when they measure themselves by one another and compare themselves with one another, they are without understanding" (2 Cor 10:12). 

What is the antidote to this sin, the anticedent virtue which serves as the beachgrass which stabilizes the dunes and prevents erosion of the spirit? "Rejoice in your brother's progress and you will immediately give glory to God. Conquer envy by rejoicing in the merits of others" (St. John Chrysostom). And again, pursuant to the woman of worth's domain, King Lamuel notes (emphasis mine):

She is clothed with strength and dignity;

    she can laugh at the days to come.

 She speaks with wisdom,

    and faithful instruction is on her tongue.

 She watches over the affairs of her household

    and does not eat the bread of idleness.

Men, be on guard against the temptations of the flesh, that seek to drag you to Hell through voluptious seduction of the mind, laying traps and greasing the skids with the oil of covetedness. Keep custody of your eyes, your members, and your heart!

But women, you too must be on guard against temptations of petty jealousy, envy of other women, of sadness at the state of others' good affairs, of comparison and looking outside your own sphere of the home! This usurpation, renting out the room which should be reserved for your husband and family inoculates the bacteria of unchastity in the home and enthrones a kind of Jezebel spirit which sows seeds of dischord and strife where there should be good order and peace. 

Resist this spirit! Focus on your own spouse, your own home, your own affairs, your own business. As the old saying goes, comparisons will lead you to be either vain or bitter in the end; for there will always be greater and lesser persons than yourself. 

Lust Is The Fire, Loneliness Is The Gasoline

 A number of years ago I was chatting with a friend in his townhouse in Arlington. We were getting ready to go for a hike, and I was asking him about life, relationships, etc. He mentioned that he wasn't with his semi-long term boyfriend anymore. In the interim, he mentioned--confessed, almost, with hesitancy--that he was making use of the gay hookup app Grindr. The way he described it, you would have thought one was ordering a pizza via Doordash: post a few pics, swipe a few swipes, and all of a sudden, a guy is ringing his doorbell at one in the morning. They do their thing, that is that, and the stranger leaves just as soon as he came in. 

The only thing new in this context is the technology, (albeit with a gay twist in this context, which I'm not going to write about). People have been having meetings of indiscretion for ages, though in the modern age the "hookup culture" is more ubiquitous than aberration. But beyond the normal (sexual) appetite--which traditionally was confined in the bonds of marriage--what fuels it?

Timothy Keller in his talk The Struggle For Love makes reference to Ernest Becker, a cultural anthropologist and secular atheist, and his Pulitzer Prize winning book, The Denial Of Death (which was actually written 50 years ago). With regards to secular modern man:

"We still need to feel that our life matters in the grand scheme of things...but if we no longer have God, how are we to do this? And one of the first ways that occurred to the modern person was the "romantic solution." The self-glorification that we need in our innermost being we now look for in the love partner. What is it that we want when we elevate the love partner to this position? We want to be rid of our faults, our feelings of nothingness. We want to be justified. We want to know our existence hasn't been in vain We want redemption. Nothing less."

The sexual appetite is the constant, n. What has changed in the formula is the isolation we have to deal with, the vacuum we have created by removing God from our lives. The inner emptiness seeks to be filled, since nature abhors a vacuum. 

Keller speaks of this emptiness in the story of Jacob in Genesis 29, who seeks the love he didn't receive from his father, Isaac. In a twist of irony, Laban "switches out" Jacob's love (the object of his romantic affection) Rachel with Leah, just as Jacob sought his father's affirmation in stealing the birthright of his brother Esau. The Hebrew term for "deceit" is the same in both contexts. Jacob is wounded, and after seven years of serving Laban is not preoccupied with being wed to Rachel, but (crassly) to "lie with her." Rachel will complete him, seal his emotional wounds. Of course, Rachel remains barren for fourteen years before giving birth to Joseph, and the "unloved" Leah eventually gives birth to Judah, the line of which the Messiah will come. 

We are all looking for love, for meaning, for connection. And we settle for hookups. Why? Because we are horny, looking to scratch and itch? Maybe on the surface. But if you've lived through hook-up culture like I have, that's only half the story. The other, more telling half is that loneliness is the gasoline we throw on the coals to keep the fire going. It flares up for a moment, but there's no solid mass to keep it going. If we're not careful, too, we end up getting some of the gasoline on our clothing or body and burn ourselves. 

Modern man is incredibly, incredibly lonely. And loneliness is so powerful, so difficult to endure, that we will use people in the most intimate way, robbing by deceit, just to gain a few moments respite from it. Even in a marriage, people can feel this way, but these coals can be stoked, whereas the single person must grapple with an empty fire ring that must be built from scratch. 

Why is modern man so lonely? Because he has made no room for God, the eternal ember of Love that is never extinguished. In reducing his personhood to appetites and urges to be satisfied, an existential loneliness that must be assuaged at all costs, man has nothing to keep him going except with a constant leap-frog of largely meaningless encounters. This is not how we were meant to flourish. 

Marriage is more than a repository to curb concupiscence. And it must be more than simply a romantic preoccupation with covering over our wounds. Hookup culture is the Splenda that leaves a bitter aftertaste. What God reserves for those who love Him is honey, "Eat honey, my son, for it is good; honey from the comb is sweet to your taste." (Prov 24:13)  In its fullness, a healthy marriage is the cure for loneliness, the proper ends of our sexual appetite, and in its fruitful expression, the generation of children. It's what most people, in their heart of hearts, are really searching for. Whether they know it or not.

The First Look Is Free...The Second Will Cost You

 It's always tough for Catholic families when it comes to the beach. We enjoy the waves, the sand, and relaxing. But it's also a bit of a mine field when it comes to modesty. Men, especially, must take custody of the eyes and teach their sons the same. As Scripture says, "the light of thy body is thy eye. If thy eye be single, thy whole body shall be lightsome" (Mt 6:22).

We always have to balance healthy prudence with exploitative scrupulosity. God gave us men the natural means of attraction by way of visual stimuli. Stimulation occurs through the portal of the eyes, and ultimately implants in the mind as a means of arousal. What happens from there will determine the degree of sin one is culpable of. 

Of course the only appropriate setting for stoking this arousal is in the context of marriage, and with one's wife. We can do our best to keep custody of the eyes by avoiding people, places and things that serve as occasions of sin, but it can be challenging when we live in a culture where we are continually bombarded by lewdness. 

My own approach with my son with regards to modesty is to instill a sense of what is appropriate and inappropriate, and he has a pretty good idea of this in his conscience. I tell him, "the first look is free, but the second will cost you." On the one hand, if something pops up on a billboard as we are driving, or he sees a young girl not dressed modestly on the beach, I don't want him to be wracked by guilt for having it come into his purvey without consent of the will. I want him to know that God gave us these faculties for the benefit of our future spouses and progeneration, not for selfish or inordinate desire. 

I have tried to teach him the technique of "bouncing the eyes," so that if he does catch a flash of something, it is instinctual to turn away for his own benefit, and in charity to the one who is the cause of possible temptation so as not to feed the attention seeking. We don't go looking for this kind of stimuli, but if it crosses our path, we don't have to get all wound up or unnecessarily wracked by guilt.

However, to the degree one "stores" these mental images for later cultivating, that is the "second look" that we are on the hook for. It will cost you, because at that point it is an act of the will *not* to turn away. Custody belongs to the eyes; chastity belongs to the heart. It also makes chastity harder in the long run, because once the sin of unchastity takes root in the heart, it is harder to pull up. It is much easier to pick the seed off the ground and flick it into the woods than uproot it from the soil. 

If virtue, like prayer, is a habit, it necessitates training the mind, body, eyes, and heart to desire virtue more than sin and it's temporal pleasures. For young men, "bouncing the eyes" is training--whether on the beach, while driving, or while on the computer. The Devil, the Great Legalist, will use scrupulosity as a means to condemn when there is no sin or consent. This also must be guarded against. And even if a man falls, his first instinct by way of habit should be to get up, repent, and make amends not to return to the vomit (2 Peter 2:22).  

Sex Is The Snare

A Commentary on Proverbs 7, on my twelfth wedding anniversary.

 [1] My son, keep my words, and lay up my precepts with thee. Son, [2] Keep my commandments, and thou shalt live: and my law as the apple of thy eye: [3] Bind it upon thy fingers, write it upon the tables of thy heart. [4] Say to wisdom: Thou art my sister: and call prudence thy friend, [5] That she may keep thee from the woman that is not thine, and from the stranger who sweeteneth her words.

Notice the "who" and the "what" in v 1-5. An elder is giving exhortation to a younger. He has traveled longer, farther, and seen the end and where it leads. Like a seasoned scout, he admonishes the younger to "keep my words." Notice the "what" as well. What should be the "apple of one's eye?" This is typically a moniker for one's beloved. But what should be the apple of one's eye? Their spouse? No, "my law." It is wisdom which should be one's first love, the captivator--not as a lover here, but as a sister. Of the wife: "may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love" (Prov 5:19). But like a sister, "wisdom is sweet to the soul" (Prov 24:14). 

[6] For I look out of the window of my house through the lattice, [7] And I see little ones, I behold a foolish young man, [8] Who passeth through the street by the corner, and goeth nigh the way of her house. [9] In the dark, when it grows late, in the darkness and obscurity of the night, [10] And behold a woman meeteth him in harlot's attire prepared to deceive souls; talkative and wandering,

Married lovers can communicate, after a number of years, with wordless words. They speak with deft gestures, looks, and the silence of what is not said. A fool, on the other hand, multiplies words (Ecc 10:14). The woman here, provocatively dressing her line as a fisherman ties his lure to bait ignorant fish, is "talkative," multiplying her words. She has "her [own] house," and yet is out looking to "deceive" by being out and about, "wandering." The young man's first mistake was "going nigh the way of her house." And not during the day, when there is accountability and witnesses in bystanders, but under cloak of night, "when it grows late."

The foolish harlot uses her many words to capture the hearts and loins of the young men, because she cannot stand silence, or staying put. The dutiful wife speaks to her beloved's heart in silence, as the years go on in their marriage, because words become extraneous and unnecessary in this communion. In contrast, the harlot hasn't the peace of silence, and is instead agitated by it. She is like a gyrovague, "who spend their entire lives drifting from region to region, staying as guests for three or four days in different monasteries. Always on the move, they never settle down, and are slaves to their own wills and gross appetites." (Rule of St. Benedict, Ch 1:10-11). 

[11] Not bearing to be quiet, not able to abide still at home, [12] Now abroad, now in the streets, now lying in wait near the corners. [13] And catching the young man, she kisseth him, and with an impudent face, flattereth, saying: [14] I vowed victims for prosperity, this day I have paid my vows. [15] Therefore I am come out to meet thee, desirous to see thee, and I have found thee.

The trap of adultery is the bait set in the jaws of narcissism. For even for young lovers, their love is full of ego--they love to be loved. As married couples age, they realize this intoxication of "falling in love" is a lure of the Lord, for were they to know the difficulties of the road and years ahead, they may never have married. "Lord, you tricked me, and I was tricked. You overpowered me and won" (Jer 20:7). 

And so the wayward woman sharpens and weaponizes the irons of her words, nuget covered barbs, but not before "catching" the young man and making him drunk with the tantalizing kiss which promises "more where that came from." She disarms his reason with a flaming arrow of what would normally be reserved for the altar. She even entices with a play on words, "vowing victims for prosperity...paying my vows." Were he not disarmed by a kiss, he may have remembered his own vows, but she has gone on the cunning offensive before he has a chance. 

See, too, the bait of narcissism. "You have come out to meet ME? Desirous to see ME? Found ME?" The young man is suddenly a willful object of desire, in his mind. Flattery baits the trap, for "pleasant words are a honeycomb" (Prov 16:24). 

[16] I have woven my bed with cords, I have covered it with painted tapestry, brought from Egypt. [17] I have perfumed my bed with myrrh, aloes, and cinnamon. [18] Come, let us be inebriated with the breasts, and let us enjoy the desired embraces, till the day appear. [19] For my husband is not at home, he is gone a very long journey. [20] He took with him a bag of money: he will return home the day of the full moon.

The words continue, now painting pictures of enticement in the mind of the brute. His mind is enthralled with the details of fantasy: "a woven bed, painted tapestry, perfumed." In his body, he is enraptured by her arms and mired in her kiss, but in his mind, he is transported beyond the streets to a exotic country, an intimate foreign chamber devoid of witnesses. For "even her husband is not home," and even the day of his return is set, "the day of the full moon" to allay the anxiety of an unexpected discovery. He is given a set window of opportunity, and he can't believe his fortune. A marathon of night-long inebriated passion. At this point, not only his mind swells with the opportunistic prospect. 

[21] She entangled him with many words, and drew him away with the flattery of her lips. [22] Immediately he followeth her as an ox led to be a victim, and as a lamb playing the wanton, and not knowing that he is drawn like a fool to bonds, [23] Till the arrow pierce his liver: as if a bird should make haste to the snare, and knoweth not that his life is in danger. [24] Now therefore, my son, hear me, and attend to the words of my mouth. [25] Let not thy mind be drawn away in her ways: neither be thou deceived with her paths.

Many words. Flattery. "Deceived by the flattery of fools" (Ecc 7:5). "Immediately" he follows her, his reason bludgeoned, any potential protest muzzled. He begins to be led like an ox to slaughter, captivated as Peter, Andrew, James, John, and Matthew were captivated and as in a trance, followed Christ to their ultimate death. "Immediately, they left the ship with their father, and followed him" (Mt 4:22). And yet it is not wisdom, or grace, or the precepts of the Lord that draw the young man away as his father's words recede in the background of his mind, but desire, inpropriety...the flesh. 

[26] For she hath cast down many wounded, and the strongest have been slain by her. [27] Her house is the way to hell, reaching even to the inner chambers of death.

But unlike the disciples--the followers of Christ who were led from their earthly ties and died for gain--the young victim is led to his spiritual deathbed by the earthly, the temporal, the honey-soaked poison, never to rise again. "The mighty are cast from their thrones" (Lk 1:52). And here the harlot, the temptor casts down the wounded--wounded reason, wounded conviction, wounded temperance. She has wounded virtue and sound mind with her arrows, "piercing his liver" like a bird. He joins the army of corpses, among them even "the strongest." For strength is impotent before desire, for desire disarms and dethrones a man from within. In the post-coital bed, the sheer drapes of fantasy dissolve and the "house, the inner chamber" which brought him here has become his prison, his hell, his death. 

"For as wisdom is a defence, so money is a defence : but learning and wisdom excel in this, that they give life to him that possesseth them" 

(Ecc 7:12)

The Laying On Of Hands And The Sins Of The Father

One of the great challenges for new Catholics and those coming back to the faith is the kind of cognitive dissonant tightrope one has to walk to reconcile seemingly disparagent elements of the faith. For the early Christians, especially during the Arian controversy, it was Christological: how can Christ be both man and God? In the post-Constantine era, it was "how are Christians to live as servants of God and subjects of the State?" In our present generation, the tension often comes down to the question of "how can the Church be called Holy when Her body is a rotting quagmire of corruption and filth?" Such a proposal is not only offensive for those who have been touched by the sullied cloth personally, but can often create a visceral gagging on the bone of hypocrisy. 

Once when I was doing street evangelization, I encountered a man who held nothing but contempt for the fact that we were out there, trying to spread the Good News of the gospel. It wasn't the Good News, of course, but the fact that we were regarded as agents of the Church, peddling rotten sacks of potatoes as healthy nourishment. It became clear after a few minutes of vitirol that his objections to our being there (and the Church as a whole) were not objective or theoretical in nature, but deeply personal. Although he didn't state it outright, I would wager this was a man who was himself Catholic and who was deeply wounded and scandalized by the abuse crisis within the Church and could not reconcile the reality of this abuse with anything good coming from it. I would even wager he may have been a victim of abuse himself at the hands of the Church. 

There is a saying that goes something like this, "Satan takes what is beautiful and tries to make it ugly. God takes what is ugly and makes it beautiful." I see so much beauty in the cleansing power of Christ to forgive sins, to restore our dignity as men, and to welcome us into his Kingdom. And yet, this often comes in the guise of having to look past the abject corruption oozing out of seemingly every pore in the Body of Christ, His Bride the Church here on earth. 

This is one of those posts where I'm reticent to "go there," in bringing something to light that may be best hidden or unspoken. I hope to do so delicately, but I may fail in that to convey the point. And the point is this: the smoke of Satan which has infiltrated the Church over the last century has mingled with the filth of the world to the degree that even the most beautiful aspects of Her mission has the potential to be corrupted in the minds of the faithful. Perhaps this is just me, some psychological perversion that I would be wise to keep to myself. For the more innocent among us, it may scandalize. For that, I will apologize in advance and perhaps even warn you not to read further. 

The thing people don't realize about the sins of the flesh beyond the obvious is that it perverts our vision of what is true, what is beautiful, and what is real even subconsciously. This is why it's hard to stomach what people like Joseph Sciambra try to convey in graphic detail about gayness--that beyond the Will & Grace persona, homosexuality is an ugly, painful, unnatural, and messy affair. It is also why, when I was evangelizing with him at the Pride festival in San Francisco a few years back, there was an overt religious ethos among the half-naked men gyrating on floats while wearing angel wings next to drag queens dressed as nuns (the so-called "Sisters Of Perpetual Indulgence"). Satan loves to take what is holy and beautiful and make it ugly and profane. 

Because of the sexual abuse within the Church, and the atrocities commited by clergy in terms of pederasty and pedophilia, there has been a kind of spiritual and psychic-searing, the way one's eyelids may be fused shut if they get too close to an nine hundred degree oven. In those who have suffered such abuse at the hands of clergy, there is only one word that can qualify it: spiritual murder. It is the death of the soul, because it is a kind of death when one is raped or abused, but at the hands of clergy, it is not only a death but a deformation. How can anyone who has suffered like this be expected to show up for Mass next Sunday and sit through a homily by a man of the cloth without becoming physically ill (which is what Joseph has described experiencing).

This excerpt from Nikos Kazantzakis' Zorba the Greek has stayed with me after reading it decades ago, and may help illustrate this picture of deformation:

"I recalled one dawn when I had chanced upon a butterfly’s cocoon in a pine tree at the very moment when the husk was breaking and the inner soul was preparing to emerge. I kept waiting and waiting; it was slow and I was in a hurry. Leaning over it, I began to warm it with my breath. I kept warming it impatiently until the miracle commenced to unfold before my eyes at an unnatural speed. The husk opened completely; the butterfly came out. But never shall I forget my horror: its wings remained curled inward, not unfolded. The whole of its minuscule body shook as it struggled to spread the wings outward. But it could not. As for me, I struggled to aid it with my breath. In vain. What it needed was to ripen and unfold patiently in sunlight. Now it was too late. My breath had forced the butterfly to emerge ahead of time, crumpled and premature. It came out undeveloped, shook desperately, and soon died in my palm.

This butterfly’s fluffy corpse is, I believe, the greatest weight I carry on my conscience. What I understood deeply on that day was this: to hasten eternal rules is a mortal sin. One’s duty is confidently to follow nature’s everlasting rhythm."

The sin here is not actually in forcing something to "emerge ahead of time," but that it should never have been forced at all. When innocence is stolen, it can never be brought back to life. It is eternally crippled, and can only be healed by the divine hand who created it in the first place. I don't think the weight of such sin can be overstated. It is why our Lord uses the imagery of a millstone. Millstones are giant. Were it to be tied around one's neck on their way to the bottom of the sea, it wouldn't just be a swift trip down. It would snap your neck like a twig in the first second due to the weight. And that quick death would be a merciful fate when compared to the judgement being rendered after death.

If the priesthood is the image of Christ as servant, it is to be holy. When it is not holy, not true to its calling, it perverts the image of Christ in the minds of the innocent. Such a weight of responsibility should make every man shudder, but especially God's chosen--his priests. The good ones recognize this, and in prayer and fasting, do their best to live out their calling in integrity. But like I said, Satan loves to make what is beautiful and holy, ugly and profane. 

Which is why when I witness the humble beauty of the laying on of hands during an ordination, I want to see what is true, what is humbling, what is beautiful and full of grace. But there is also the fallen part of me, all too familiar with our fallen world and the perversity of the flesh, that experiences a flash of what the abuse within the Church has wrought.

Because that very act of the ancient rite of laying on of hands in consecration has been abused and perverted in the laying on of hands of young men and young women, of children by way of the most heinous act of sodomy, which cries to Heaven for vengence.

You don't have to be a father of young children as I am to be repulsed by even the thought of such abuse, whether it occurs in the sacristy, the confessional, or some sordid bath or beach house. And if I were a more innocent person--one who had never swam in the rank waters of pornographic websites and voluntarily viewed things I can never unsee--this kind of flash imagry might not come to mind. I take ownership of that sin, and write about it now not because of how uncommon or rare it is, but of how pervasive and commonplace, how pernicious and virulent. Were I a more innocent person, I may not be so uncomfortable when I see a young priest kneeling before a bishop as the elder lays his hands atop his head at waist level. Were I more ignorant of the sordid realities of what happens in some seminaries, in some chanceries, in some diocesan retreat houses, the thought might never cross my mind.

But I read. I read about the McCarricks--one among many who have taken the image of Christ the High Priest and desecrated it by their lurid acts of sacrilege. And maybe it's better I don't read, keep my head in the sand like an ostrich. So that when I see a laying on of hands in an ordination, I don't "go there," if even for a moment, in my imagination. Can I say there's no grounds for such imaginations? These wolves in sheeps clothing have not only made the unthinkable a reality, but they even deny that they have commited the worst sacrilege--spiritual murder--compounded by their seeming lack of repentence or compunction. They shift blame, or deflect to protect assets. When in reality, they are perverts no parent of good conscience would leave their children with for even a second. 

I think it goes without saying that I am blessed to know many good priests, men of honor and integrity that would hold as abhorrent such stains upon the Church just as I do. And many of them know too that as priests, they have a target on their back--not by the culture, or the media, but by Satan himself.  They realize that if they are not fortified in prayer and fasting, continually living lives of virtue and accountability, they too may find themselves compromised if not careful. The spiritual war being waged against priests by the agents of evil is a reality. Even good men fall, when they never thought they would. It is no joke. Listen to what Our Lady (of Good Success) warns:

"The devil will work to persecute the ministers of the Lord in every way, working with baneful cunning to destroy the spirit of their vocation and corrupting many. Those who will thus scandalize the Christian flock will bring upon all priests the hatred of bad Christians and the enemies of the One, Holy, Roman Catholic, and Apostolic Church. This apparent triumph of Satan will cause enormous suffering to the good pastors of the Church…and to the Supreme Pastor and Vicar of Christ on earth who, a prisoner in the Vatican, will shed secret and bitter tears in the presence of God Our Lord, asking for light, sanctity, and perfection for all the clergy of the world, to whom he is King and Father.”

“Unhappy times will come wherein those who should fearlessly defend the rights of the Church will instead, blinded despite the light, give their hand to the Church’s enemies and do their bidding. But when [evil] seems triumphant and when authority abuses its power, committing all manner of injustice and oppressing the weak, their ruin shall be near. They will fall and crash to the ground.

“In those times the atmosphere will be saturated with the spirit of impurity which, like a filthy sea, will engulf the streets and public places with incredible license.… Innocence will scarcely be found in children."

As a married man, every act of intimacy with my wife demands chastity of mind, body, and heart. To the extent I am running through fantasies in my mind with strangers, playing things out I have viewed online in the past, I am in sin and sinning against my own flesh--that is, my wife, whom I have vowed to be true and faithful to til death. As a married man, I am called to complete and total chastity. This conversion of heart and mind is hard, but it is not impossible. The Lord can heal our memories. He can keep us present in the marital act. We can cooperate with grace by the exercise of the will with regards to chastity. 

For the priest, he must overcome not only his own sins, but must surpass the sins and failings of his predecessors. As the Lord says, "your righteousness must exceed that of the scribes and Pharisees" (Mt 5:20). “The teachers of the law and the Pharisees sit in Moses’ seat. So you must be careful to do everything they tell you. But do not do what they do, for they do not practice what they preach" (Mt 23:2-3). "Woe to the world because of scandals. For it must needs be that scandals come: but nevertheless woe to that man by whom the scandal cometh" (Mt 18:7). 

What does a good father say when his child is in danger. Don't you lay a hand on him! What does a good Father do when the Lord wishes to multiply his spiritual progeny? He lays hands on him in the rite. What does a spiritual and physical abuser, when he is a man of the cloth, do to corrupt a youth, an innocent. He does just that--lays hands on him. How confusing it must be, how much torment must that innocent endure, to try to reconcile these violations by consecrated hands to keep his spirit in tact! Truly, it is almost beyond one's strength, were it not for the potential for divine healing by the Man whose integrity was never in question--Christ himself--who can make all things new, heal the brokenhearted, and restore dignity to those who have been robbed of it. 

Shame on this perverse generation. Shame on the men of God who have been corrupted by Satan and plundered the innocent. I pray they receive their due in God's just Judgement. 

But shame on us men, too, who perpetuate this seemingly unending roll of digital film through secret indulgence, through hidden sin. There is no victimless crime, no untouched region of the mind and body when it comes to unchastity. We wonder why not only the world, but the Church is in the state it is in. The smoke of Satan has entered. The only antidote is complete and total chastity, and the development of an absolute abhorrence of sin, as St. Paul says, "let there not be even a HINT of sexual immorality among you" (Eph 5:3). 

Heal our minds, Lord, and restore our innocence, so that we do not give what is holy to the dogs. Restore your priesthood, so that we see what is beautiful and holy for what it is, with innocence of heart. Restore our hearts and minds, rip up the soiled carpet of our hidden transgressions, so that we might repent of our misdeeds and perversity rather than burying them and buidling churches upon graveyard of inequity.  Let our righteousness exceed those of the scribes and Pharisees, and may our penance atone for their  sordid abominations, for the sake of our children, and our priests to come.

A Warning For The Tempted (A Prophetic Dream)

 As I may have mentioned elsewhere on this blog, I dream very rarely, maybe a handful of times in a year. So when I do, I take it as significant. I just woke up from one such dream, and it was a doozy. Though it puts me in somewhat of a unfavorable light, I share it as a warning (and encouragement) to guard your house and don't give up hope if God has called you to be one of those unpopular "truth-tellers" that people don't want to hear. You may just save someone from a fatal decision.

I had fallen asleep with a bit of a strange influence--a few days ago I wrote a post on Why (and How) to Admonish a Brother in Charity. What was strange was that a guy in my men's group sent us a video of one of the CFRs sharing a video on the exact same topic, published only a few days before that (I hadn't seen the video until tonight, after I had written the blog post), saying almost verbatim the exact same things I had written in my post. So maybe admonishment was on my mind and heart, or the Holy Spirit was trying to send a message, for when I fell asleep I had a dream.

In the dream, I found myself in a chaotic and compromising situation. I don't remember the details, but I had the kids with me. I was in some kind of temporary hotel (a college dorm, though I was an adult?), and my room had just been robbed. There was a young woman who was there who was "signaling" me if you know what I mean, and she had her own room. I found myself tempted in a way I hadn't experienced in a long while, and was on the verge of going to her room to accept her "invitation." 

I have a friend who shares some unpopular truths about divorce and chastity, and sometimes I get the feeling it falls on deaf ears like a resounding gong that you just tune out when you don't want to hear it anymore. Her style is not my style--more brusque and blunt, with little grey or wiggle room. But I know she cares about souls rather than being popular, and takes quite a bit of flack for it. 

It was at this moment of severe temptation to a kind of 'virtual infidelity' that I heard a message from her that this was a bad idea and I would regret it. I tried to tune it out, since the situation was so inviting to the flesh, and I was in a vulnerable state of agitation. Everyone else around me in the dream was kind of shrugging their shoulders at my decision. But my friend's warning was loud and clear--don't do it. In moments of lust, as St. Augustine wrote, it's like a temporary insanity where we lose our reason. But reason would dictate that my friend was right--I would lose my wife, my family, not to mention falling into the sin of adultery. I found my friend's voice (she wasn't there physically)...well, I'm not going to lie...grating and obnoxious, because I didn't want to hear it. In the end, though, her forceful tone that told me what I didn't want to hear (when no one around me was saying anything to the contrary) won out. I went down to the mess hall instead to escape this siren-situation, and it was in that moment that I woke up with a start, and immediately prayed the Sorrowful Mysteries of the Rosary.

I write this as an encouragement for those who are sharing such tough-love warnings to those who find themselves in tempting and compromising situations, since it's easy to lose heart that no one has ears to hear and you're just wasting your time. For me, it was just a disturbing dream, but as St. Peter says,

As every man hath received the gift, even so minister the same one to another, as good stewards of the manifold grace of God.

If any man speak, let him speak as the oracles of God; if any man minister, let him do it as of the ability which God giveth: that God in all things may be glorified through Jesus Christ, to whom be praise and dominion for ever and ever. Amen.

Beloved, think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened unto you:

But rejoice, inasmuch as ye are partakers of Christ's sufferings; that, when his glory shall be revealed, ye may be glad also with exceeding joy. (1 Peter 4:10-13)

Never think you're so far removed from sin that you are not subject to temptation, but pray the Our Father and remember the words our Lord gave us, "and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil" (Mt 6:13). For only those who want the good of your soul will give you the grating words that seek to save it when everyone else shrugs while Satan takes form and offers you soothing coos towards the pit of destruction, and the adulterous woman's call rings sweet in your ear...even if it is only a dream.

My son, keep my words

    and store up my commands within you.

Keep my commands and you will live;

    guard my teachings as the apple of your eye.

Bind them on your fingers;

    write them on the tablet of your heart.

Say to wisdom, “You are my sister,”

    and to insight, “You are my relative.”

They will keep you from the adulterous woman,

    from the wayward woman with her seductive words.

At the window of my house

    I looked down through the lattice.

I saw among the simple,

    I noticed among the young men,

    a youth who had no sense.

He was going down the street near her corner,

    walking along in the direction of her house

at twilight, as the day was fading,

    as the dark of night set in.

Then out came a woman to meet him,

    dressed like a prostitute and with crafty intent.

(She is unruly and defiant,

    her feet never stay at home;

now in the street, now in the squares,

    at every corner she lurks.)

She took hold of him and kissed him

    and with a brazen face she said:

“Today I fulfilled my vows,

    and I have food from my fellowship offering at home.

So I came out to meet you;

    I looked for you and have found you!

I have covered my bed

    with colored linens from Egypt.

I have perfumed my bed

    with myrrh, aloes and cinnamon.

Come, let’s drink deeply of love till morning;

    let’s enjoy ourselves with love!

My husband is not at home;

    he has gone on a long journey.

He took his purse filled with money

    and will not be home till full moon.”

With persuasive words she led him astray;

    she seduced him with her smooth talk.

All at once he followed her

    like an ox going to the slaughter,

like a deer stepping into a noose

    till an arrow pierces his liver,

like a bird darting into a snare,

    little knowing it will cost him his life.

Now then, my sons, listen to me;

    pay attention to what I say.

Do not let your heart turn to her ways

    or stray into her paths.

Many are the victims she has brought down;

    her slain are a mighty throng.

Her house is a highway to the grave,

    leading down to the chambers of death.

(Prov 7) 

See also: "I'm Living the Cliche: Extramarital Affairs and the Illusion of Happiness"

The Threats To A Catholic Marriage

Yesterday I was reading a financial independence blog post I came across by way of Reddit that was, for once, refreshingly honest. The guy had FIRE'd (financial independence-retire early) in his late thirties and hadn't updated his blog in five years, mostly because he was "living the life" from 2016-2021 and, I presume, didn't feel like he had much to say. Then life took an unexpected turn, and he found himself divorced, diagnosed with a serious medical condition, and back in the workforce.

Life seemed grand at the start. With his new found time and leisure, he read, wrote, traveled, and did whatever he wanted. The author found, with time, he could not relate as much to his working friends, and vice versa. His then-wife had retired early with him. While he had planned and focused on this particular goal, his wife was having a harder time with it, and found herself unhappy, unfulfilled, and seemingly without purpose. She committed infidelity, and that was the end of the relationship. When he contracted an illness that he hadn't really planned for, it also threw a monkey-wrench in his nest egg spread-sheet aggregates, to the point where he decided going back to work was the best thing he could do. The author admits, with refreshing honesty as I noted, that sometimes you can't plan for life going the way you thought it would.

This isn't the first marriage I heard breaking up after early retirement. Two other popular financial bloggers I read experienced the same thing. These are all secular, left-leaning, non-religious types that hold personal fulfillment and happiness as the pen-ultimate goal in life. A kind of soft, civilized hedonism. 

Catholics and religious folk aren't immune to the threats of divorce. Though lower than the national average, CARA notes a 27% divorce rate for Catholics.

What makes Catholics different? Well, for one, there is a cultural-religious dissuasion against divorce, both in Scripture and Church teaching. Of course, one would have to believe in these teachings, that the Lord meant what he said and that the Church's teaching on the matter is for our ultimate salvation and well-being. But, again, life happens in ways we may not be able to anticipate, and we need to be prepared for that. Old age, sickness, poverty are why we have vows--the temptation to cut and run when they break onto the scene can be very great.

But how we go into a marriage beyond the vows themselves has a large determining factor in how we respond to these challenges and threats to marriage (which will inevitably come). And even if they weren't established from the get-go, there is always room and grace for renewal.

Though I'm no expert, noticing the threat of divorce in these three particular bloggers devoted to enjoying "their best lives" through financial independence, I thought it might be helpful to identify some of the threats we as Catholics may be susceptible to in our marriages, and their antidotes:

One-Foot-In (and No Plan B)

Anyone who goes into a marriage thinking they can simply leave when things get hard are disadvantaged from the start. This can seem reckless (not having a pre-nup, leaving oneself open to financial ruin, not knowing what the future holds, etc), but marriage is not meant to be temporary, but for life. Like following Christ, if you are putting your hand to the plow and looking back, you are not worthy of the calling of marriage, for in it one "leaves his father and mother and cleaves to his wife and they become one flesh" (Mt 19:5). It's simply too easy to be "subject to the test" when you give yourself an escape route from the start, or open up a door to it down the road. Which leads to the next point.

Apathy (and Stubborn Grit)

Most people do not wake up one day and decide to get divorced. It's often a slow-drift apart where bonds and connections are weakened over time, to the point when you feel like you may or may not know your spouse anymore. You may find the inconveniences and threats to your personal happiness and fulfillment are outweighing any potential gains from staying with your partner. Over time, you find you "just don't care" whether the marriage survives or doesn't. 

There's something to be said for grit in the life of faith, a kind of stubborn persistence and bull-headedness to persevere in times of trial, despite the cost. Sometimes the way isn't around, but through, which means taking a hard-line approach to care, work, and do whatever it takes to plow ahead, together. It may mean holding your spouses hand when you can't stand to look them in the face, or refusing to listen to those who counsel you towards divorcing and "finding yourself." It may mean counseling, or late nights; fighting is not always a bad thing, if it means it is keeping the lines of communication open. Essentially, it is a refusal to concede to the pressures (which may be temporary) to jump ship, when everything is telling you to do so.

Selfishness (and Selflessness)

The thing I noticed in the three bloggers and their former spouses above was that what they valued was "doing what works for you" and careful planning (often without children that mess everything up, or limiting them) to the point where the ultimate value was self-fulfillment. This is a death-knell to true marriage, since it operates on a faulty assumption; though marriage may fulfill one person by way of the other, it is not it's intended purpose. Christ taught us as disciples to serve, to wash feet, to die to ourselves. Seeking self-satisfaction at the expense of all else is a futile endeavor and a fools-errand. As true Christians know, it is in serving that we find the key to our fulfillment; in emptying ourselves, we are filled. When we lose our lives, we find them.

Marriage is the ultimate test of self-deferment. If you understand yourself as part of a one-flesh union, and also what Christ did for you on the cross, you begin to understand how love works--by emptying itself. Selfishness is a constant temptation in marriage, but often many marriages on the rocks have turned around not by waiting for the other spouse to change, but by changing oneself and exercising the will to act against its selfish nature. This is hard, like exercise. But love is not authentic without something to back it up. Our spouses often know and recognize when we are doing something for our own sake, or for theirs. It can be transformative, but it takes work.

Betrayal (and Forgiveness)

This can be one area where the rubber hits the road. As Christians, we know the grace that comes with forgiveness for our sins; the kicker is we are expected to extend that grace to forgive one another "seventy times seven." This doesn't mean being a doormat, or not setting appropriate boundaries. It can be an inner-crucifixion to realize the one who is laying you up on the cross is the one whom you loved the most, who was closest to you and betrayed your trust with a kiss. 

Sound familiar? Again, we are only able to forgive egregious sins because we have been forgiven of our egregiousness by God Himself. It happens by grace, with grit sometimes, and often a good amount of time. In any case, it doesn't come easy; but then again, nothing worth fighting for does. It can be the splitting of the Temple, so to speak. If worked through, though, it may bring up issues that were unforeseen previously, out of the darkness, so that they can be addressed and dealt with. You cannot love without forgiving, and by our humanness we screw up, inevitably. A betrayal may not always be in the form of infidelity, by the way. Trust is a delicate thing. But without forgiveness, we cannot live as Christians, and we become prisoners in our own cell.

Taking Things For Granted (and Gratefulness)

It's easy to take things for granted in a marriage, or taking your spouse themselves for granted; that they will always be there, or always forgive you or be able to provide for your needs. Nothing is guaranteed, not even our lives. Gratefulness is an exercise to take each moment, each day as a gift that we don't deserve, that is not owed to us; essentially, it's a shift in perspective from all the things that may be lacking, to all the things we have been given. It's an easy exercise in the sense that it doesn't take much to compile, even if it's 'lowest common denominator' stuff--like having running water, or a roof that doesn't leak--but it can also lead us into appreciating things about our spouse in a quantifiable way that we may not have seen previously, when one does it intentionally (making a list, for example). You often don't realize the value of something until it's gone--which it will be one day--so the earlier you can recognize it the better. 

Sexlessness (and The Marriage Debt)

Studies have shown that married people have more sex more often then single people. As they should. Sex when it is healthy is bonding and a way of expressing love that goes beyond words. But I've also heard of married couples going weeks, months, even years without being intimate--sometimes for valid reasons, some not so convincing. 

Sex can be a barometer for the health of a marriage. Conversely what happens outside the bedroom determines what goes on inside it. Saint Paul in 1 Cor 7:3 speaks to this, that husband and wife fulfill to one another the marital debt. This is because neither has authority over his body but yields it to the spouse (1 Cor 7:4). 

Pragmatically, I can only speak as a man to other men: always be conscious of fulfilling your wife. Be a gentleman, both outside the bedroom and in it. You should have enough, ahem, practice that you know her needs and how to delay yourself so that you 'hold the door for her' in bed, so to speak. Outside the bedroom, this may mean serving her or speaking to her love languages--just because your fulfillment and sense of being loved comes from sex (as is often the case), this may not be equally true for her. So find out what it is she likes--whether its a backrub, doing the dishes for her, or giving her a weekend to herself by taking the kids--and do it.

Wives, I know this is going to sound a little blunt, but sometimes the best thing you can do for your husband is go full Nike and "just do it." Even if you don't feel like it or would rather by crocheting or watching TV. Of course, there should be mutual respect in a marriage, but you may be surprised how far sex will go for a man's sense of fulfillment. That doesn't mean you're acting like an on-demand wife, or that you don't have limits or reasonable requests to the contrary. But if you understand that in this realm, men really aren't that complicated and that our appetites are relatively unrefined and simple, it can go a long way.

Another benefit of sex to marriage? Kids! Whether accidental (oops!) or planned, children go a long way in pushing you to your limits and giving a sense of shared goals and self-deference. They are also great at distracting you from too much navel-gazing. So have kids, have a bunch if you can, and don't look back. No one ever says, "I wish I could give them back."

 

Short Sightedness (and the Long Game)

When we bought our house I was resistant to the idea of moving at first, because it seemed to stretch us financially and was a hassle; it was easier just not to go through the whole process. My father gave a simple but good piece of advice: short-term stress for long term gain. 

When divorce becomes a temptation, it's often seen as an out to undesirable circumstances. One projects the current reality into a prolonged future scenario--"if I'm miserable now, I will always be miserable," or "if it's this hard now, it will only get harder." That may or may not be the case, but often people are surprised when they pull out and hold on, the "golden years" of marriage are the best yet. Plus you have the benefit of not being alone when you get old, sick, and/or die, you can pool your resources, provide comfort and companionship to one another, and learn and grow more than you may have in your early years. But that doesn't come when you jump ship, but only by patient endurance, those who finish the race to earn the crown (2 Tim 4:7).

The Demonic (and The Grace of the Sacrament)

When you are Catholic and see life through a spiritual lens, you realize there are forces working against marriage and the family, because marriage and family are good and virtuous things, and the Devil is the Father of lies. It may manifest itself by way of temptation or misfortune, but Our Lady of Fatima was clear: the final battle against Satan will be over marriage and family. 

Thankfully, as Catholics, matrimony is elevated to the dignity of a Sacrament, and with the Sacrament comes grace. I don't know how people survive life without faith, and grace is the oil that keeps the life of faith running smoothly. If marriage is important to you (and it should be), it's good to strengthen and fortify it with regular Mass attendance, the sacraments, prayer (both together and personal), and sacramentals. Ask for the intercession of our married saints, St. Joseph and the Holy Family, and fortify other Catholic families if you are able, as we all need support and one another. Make a retreat if you find it helpful, and pray for your spouse and children intentionally; fasting and doing penance for them is even better. 

As Catholics, we journey to Heaven as a collective. In marriage, we work to get our spouses to Heaven (often by giving them crosses, ha!) while working out our own salvation in fear and trembling as well. We are not fighting against flesh and blood, but powers and principalities. The sooner we realize this, the more we can develop a battle plan under the protection of Our Lady's mantle to make sure the Devil doesn't have the final say in our lives. 

Phew! That's a page-full. I'd love to hear from you. Feel free to comment for the good of those reading if you see other threats to a Catholic marriage, and the ways you have found to counter them. Or simply to ask for prayers and/or share your story. God bless you!

Throw Her Out

If I could urge dads young and old to do one thing this day moving forward, it's this: if you watch/buy/use/consume pornography--stop.

If you work in the fields, you don't walk in the house with your mud-caked boots. That's what you do when you view porn--you track it into your home. And it doesn't scrub out as easily from the carpet as mud does.

You may have sons. You may have daughters. It affects them both. It affects your spiritual state, and as a result it affects theirs and those of your household. It affects how you treat your wife, and as a result how you treat their mom. It affects your mind, your body, and your soul. It's like voluntarily infecting yourself with a disease.

Porn--and by extension, lust--is a four-fold Alinsky-esque tactic of the Devil. It perverts man's natural engine for procreation (which Satan cannot stand, as he is anti-life), and he whispers the play-by-play in the ear of man of how to carry out his revolution of degeneration:

ISOLATE IT

OBJECTIFY IT

USE IT

DISCARD IT

Man and women are a unity of parts. In isolating body parts for the purposes of lust--parts made beautiful and in the image of God himself--to meditate on for the purpose of fantasy, he attempts to dismantle the very essence of the Incarnation itself.

In objectifying the parts, he treats them as butcher would. But women (and men) are not animals, but children of the Creator.

Just as the Devil uses us for his own purposes, lust (and its specific tool, porn) causes us to use others with no care for their welfare. That is why young girls/women (and young boys/men) are depersonalized in a rote, utilitarian mechanization that is the very antithesis of holy love and tender sex.

When you are done using something, what do you do with it? You throw it out. Like a paper towel after you have dried your hands with it. That is why after Amnon rapes Tamar and his unholy desire is sated, he hates her (2 Sam 13:15). What does he say after the deed is done? "Throw her out." (2 Sam 13:17)

Is this man you want to be? Used by the Devil, like a pawn that benefits you nothing? Like a cliche-radical rebelling against your Father?

Sin is boring. Addiction is boring. It always promise a different ending and the ending never changes. Just stop it. Get off the horse. Reclaim your manhood, and put on the armor of chastity. Quit tracking mud into your house. Do whatever you need to do. Be the man, the father, the husband you were meant to be.

The Sweet Box

I ran across an interesting article at Crisis the other day about Japanese-South Korea relations. It touched on the controversial issue of "comfort women" and "comfort stations" during World War II:

"The point of the comfort stations was to...meet the sexual needs of its troops and improve morale while preventing venereal disease and ensuring that troops did not engage in pillow talk with local, unlicensed prostitutes, who were often paid by enemy forces to extract information from military clients. Virtually every military in the Second World War, and in every war before that, used some version of the “comfort women” system. American General Claire Chennault even went so far as to fly in disease-free prostitutes from India for his syphilis-wracked pilots and mechanics in the Flying Tigers brigade in Kunming."

In France, mobile brothels were referred to as bordels mobile de campagne or BMCs. These BYOBs (bring your own brothel) were given creative euphemisms such as "la boîte à bonbons" (the sweet box). In Europe today, the usage is less dressed up and more crudely utilitarian. In Germany, drive-in sex garages are known as verrichtungsboxen, or “relief boxes,” and in the Netherlands afwerkplek which translates as "a place to finish the work."

If this seems like a degeneration unique to modern times, I imagine you would be mistaken. Prostitution, as they say, is the oldest profession. If there were no demand, there would be no supply. And there has always been demand.

On the one hand, governments and military are taking what they see as a pragmatic approach to not so much solve, but contain what they see as an inevitable issue. For GIs at risk of syphilis and gonorrhea (the US army discharged 10,000 soldiers and lost 7 million man days during WWII because of these STDs), supplying their own sex workers was meant to keep disease, rape (which had the potential to destabilize relations in the occupied regions, not to mention the egregious act itself on the local women), and leaking of military info to a minimum. Yet, what is not addressed is why the assumption that men cannot exercise self-control, that sexual needs are an absolute, and that one can only mitigate the risks of such activity, is taken as a given.

You could make the argument that the law of unintended consequences (both social, economic, and criminal) might be at play when such liberal policies are enacted. San Francisco mandated low-flow toilets and reeked havoc on their sewer system as a result. Colorado legalized recreational marijuana in an effort to tax and regulate it, yet did not anticipate the rise in black market export of cannabis over state lines. A 2012 study found countries where prostitution is legal experience greater “inflows” of human trafficking. Germany showed a sharp uptick in reports of trafficking after it legalized prostitution, and in Denmark, where prostitution is decriminalized, the number of trafficking victims spiked to more than four times that of neighboring Sweden, where the practice is illegal.

I see the assumption that A+B will always equal C in play as well when it comes to the use of artificial contraception and abortion. Proponents of greater access to birth control argue that if you want to reduce the number of abortions, make birth control more widely available, and educate on its use. Slam dunk. But despite how easy and accessible birth control is today, it has not made abortion obsolete. Even Planned Parenthood's own research admits that 54% of women seeking abortions were using contraception at the time they got pregnant.

But this is not a social issue post. I don't know how to solve these societal issues on the macro scale. But I want to take the opportunity to talk about this idea of 'unfathomable' chastity as it pertains to men.

The sexual appetite is strong, and chastity as a virtue is not easy to attain. It reminds me of the scripture, when Jesus tells the disciples about the rich entering the Kingdom in Mt 19:23-26:

“Truly I say to you, it is hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. Again I say to you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.” When the disciples heard this, they were very astonished and said, “Then who can be saved?” And looking at them Jesus said to them, “With people this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”

It's not just hard, it's impossible. It's interesting that these words of our Lord come in Matthew's Gospel right after his words on marriage and divorce. Servant of God Fr. John Hardon, SJ, wrote:

"I never tire repeating that without Holy Communion, it is impossible to practice the charity which Christ demands of His followers. Plain logic tells us that, if this is true, neither can we practice Christian chastity without the frequent, even daily, reception of the Holy Eucharist. It is not only that our own frequent, even daily, assistance at Mass is a powerful source of chaste living. The Holy Sacrifice, offered on so many altars, is a reservoir of divine strength against the demon of lust for all mankind."

Note the relationship between charity and chastity. And chastity is not just "not having sex with prostitutes," or not masturbating. It is a purity of heart, for the married and unmarried alike. I have been listening to St. Francis de Sales' "Introduction to the Devout Life" while driving in the car. In the chapter on purity, he writes,

"Remember that there are things which blemish perfect purity, without being in themselves downright acts of impurity. Anything which tends to lessen its intense sensitiveness, or to cast the slightest shadow over it, is of this nature; and all evil thoughts or foolish acts of levity or heedlessness are as steps towards the most direct breaches of the law of chastity. Avoid the society of persons who are wanting in purity, especially if they are bold, as indeed impure people always are."

Modern man thinks of the sexual appetite in animalistic terms with no regard to the faculty of reason. Like an animal, he cannot help himself with these urges anymore than one can go days without eating or going to the bathroom, so focus on minimizing the fallout (disease, legal repercussions, pregnancy). This reduction of sex for men to the equivalent of relieving oneself on the toilet has lead to a bottoming out in poverty not only in the spiritual elements of sex, but in our regard for the sanctity of life, the dignity of women, and confusion over what constitutes appropriate sexual boundaries. Why should we be surprised women (and children!) are trafficked to feed the demand for sexual gratification, however heinous or perverted, abortion is so widespread, and sexual confusion so pervasive?

When I think of my time before coming to Christ, and even early on in my conversion before I had a firm grasp of the standard Christ calls us to, the idea of chastity of mind, heart, and body did seem unattainable. I mean, literally. But the victory does not come by sheer human effort or gritting teeth, but by grace. God has given me a new heart (Ezekiel 36:26) and has done things for me I was unable to do alone by my own will and strength, to purify my mind, my memory, and my heart.

We are not animals, we are men of reason, and though we will always struggle, the abandonment of our wills to the flesh is not unavoidable or only to be contained. Christ does not lower the bar to meet our weakness, but raises us up by his grace to higher heights to make us perfect as he is perfect and gives us a new heart, a new mind. He gives us the grace we need, and we should be indebted to a Christian ethos that values so highly the dignity of women, upholds the Natural Law, and the model of monogamous marriage. It is a complete paradigm shift that holds even thoughts liable to judgment. It demands a lot, but offers much as well.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." 

(Prov 3:5-6)