The Tired Revolution

 

A few years ago Dr. Jennifer Roback Morse reached out to me to see if I would be willing to write a review of her book The Sexual State: How Elite Ideologies Are Destroying Lives and Why The Church Was Right All Along. I was happy to do so, as my eyes had been unwittingly opened and moistened with the tear drops of grace a few years prior to sitting down to read and review her book. Figures like Janet Smith and Christopher West dragged me kicking and screaming into the light of Truth--Dr. Smith through humor and common sense reasoning, Christopher West by way of the book Good News About Sex and Marriage (which I threw across the room; read here). 

In my review of her book, I highlighted the premise of Dr. Morse's thesis: the Sexual Revolution did not just “happen” as a social phenomenon. Rather, it was engineered by cultural elites, enabled and underwritten by the State, codified into law, and accepted as normative in the culture as a deliberate matter of course. In other words, she doesn't just lay out the what and the why of the sexual "revolution" but the who and the how.

After harvesting the fruits of the sexual "revolution" most of my life, I had never gave it a thought to second-guess the contraceptive mindset, even as a Catholic. To do otherwise would be like a fish questioning the source of the water it swims in. Part of that was because I didn't have an alternative to look to: we were only acquainted with nominal and left-leaning Catholics who played the "primacy of conscience" card, and faithful Protestants who didn't think twice about utilizing contraception. That changed over the years as God began planting faithful Catholic families in our life one by one, to make it visible to us what is possible when you live by faith and the Church's teaching on human sexuality. 

I guess I was hoping for a little bit of new material when I went to hear Mary Eberstadt speak at our local campus Oratory this evening. Her books include How the West Really Lost God: A New Theory of Secularization; Adam and Eve after the Pill: Paradoxes of the Sexual Revolution; and Primal Screams: How the Sexual Revolution Created Identity Politics. From her website: "Her social commentary draws from fields including anthropology, intellectual history, philosophy, popular culture, sociology, and theology.  Central to her diverse interests are questions concerning the philosophy and culture of Western civilization and the fate and aspirations of post-modern man."

I wasn't well acquainted with her body of work, but the particular talk she delivered this evening seemed to be an amalgamation of generalized themes: Humanae Vitae was prophetic, sexually "liberated" individuals today are not happy, porn is rampant, etc etc. Now, perhaps she had meant to deliver it to students and tailored it as such--indeed there were some students present. It wasn't anything new and it had all been said and highlighted before, but to a student that may be hearing it for the first time, it WAS new and potentially eye-opening. So my intention is not to disparage, only to say I was underwhelmed and saw a bit of a lost opportunity. As a friend also present shared with me, "it's not like this hasn't been happening for the past sixty years." The Sexual "Revolution" may be a distant memory for those of Mrs. Eberstadt's generation--but for the younger generation (and my own), it's something for the history books. The damage and fallout is irrefutable--we know we're not happy and we are less free, but we don't know HOW to get out from under this old blanket. 

Which is why I wanted to press Mrs. Eberstadt a little. I posed the question, but in an abridged format. I share it here in writing only because I wrote it down so as to be able to articulate it during the Q&A:  

"Upon first glance, there seem to be at least three areas in society which it is very difficult and (not without major repercussions) to "put the genie back in the bottle" so to speak. These are:

1) full-time women in the workforce

2) a consumer economy

3) contraception and abortion

In other words, we can't imagine a society in which women were suddenly taken out of the full-time workforce; we can't imagine an economic system that isn't founded on people feeding it with material consumption; and we can't imagine a society in which contraception and abortion were not an available option. 

And these three things seem inter-related as well. Women accounted for 52 percent of all workers employed in management, professional, and related occupations and comprised 47 percent total employment. (BLS).  In other words, in an ideal "conservative" world, women would stay home, abortion would be unthinkable, and consumer spending would not account for more than two thirds of economic activity in the U.S. But were any one to take away or reverse these three things, there would be an implosion because these systems are designed, built and predicated upon one another's existence: 

a) the workforce depends on women working

b) women working depends on limiting family size and/or abortion

c) the economy is dependent on consumer activity, which feeds the perceived need for two-income households, which bids up the cost of housing, etc, 

Rinse and repeat. We stop spending, the economy tanks; women stop working, productivity falters; abortion is eradicated, babies are born.

Of course most of the women and families in our particular circle have "opted out" of this narrative--they are staying home, having babies, raising families, etc. And they seem very happy doing so; So my question is, how do you advocate for these positive 'right-sizing' changes based upon conservative/traditional values when such a proposition seems to threaten the very foundation of the economic and social model the U.S. has adopted in a post-Roe world? It is no wonder why they are resisted so vehemently, and why even questioning the good of those assumptions is almost unfathomable today. "

I don't quite remember the extent of her answer, and that is my fault, but it was, like the talk-- underwhelming, with a few Weigelian accents here and there, and seemed to take the 'dourness' (as my same friend also called it) of Church teaching as a scholastic given rather than the dynamism of unscripted fecundity lived out in real time. There is no living "Revolution", there are no hippies--there are only washouts and their fallout from their failed social utopia that people my age and older now have to sift and live through, with no good solutions. Yes, have faith and have all the babies because kids are the best. But that can be a tough pitch unless you are traditionally minded, an orthodox Christian, or a counter-revolutionary breeder. 

As Dr. Morse maintains, the State has become sexual not because it believes in "free love" but because it operates by way of coercion. And how does one coerce? By fear: fear of pregnancy, fear of children, fear of overpopulation, fear of genetic abnormalities, fear of financial "irresponsibility." The State is a major player here, and they are not in the game for the benefit of the public good (at least not as Catholics understand it). Whatever the agenda is, you can place bets that it is most likely at odds with Catholic teaching which liberates the human person rather than subjugates, and gives hope rather than instills fear. When we get stuck in highlighting the "bad fruit" of the so-called sexual "revolution" and not moving beyond that, we miss a huge opportunity to give hope to the next generation that they don't have to make the same mistakes, aren't subject to the same fate--if they take a different route.  As Chesterton said, “The Christian ideal has not been tried and found wanting. It has been found difficult; and left untried.”

Let's be honest: the "revolution" is no longer novel and the effects of its rotten fruit is straightforward. But figuring out how to live a fruitful life in the shadow of that shell can present challenges that demand creativity, courage, and unconventional faith. We can be guided by the teachings of the Church and inspired by holy families, but ultimately we need to live it out ourselves in real time. We don't need more Weigalian scholastic talks or TOB in a vacuum. What we need is witness. Fruitfulness. Living saints. A casting off of the shackles of sin. A revolution of the home. We need to do it because others need to see not so much how it is done, but simply that it is possible. They will find their way, aided by grace, from there, as long as we are all doing our part one by one, home by home, marriage by marriage, baby by baby, family by family.

Adultery Is Just Another Word For Narcissism

A few weeks ago I woke up from a dream that bordered on a nightmare. 

I only dream a handful of times a year, but when I do they are typically very vivid and detailed, though I try not to put too much stock in dreams either. In this particular dream I was in a situation in which I was tempted towards adultery with someone I knew. 

In the dream, the other person equally struggled with the same temptation. Both of us were in happy marriages; neither of us wanted to damage them or inflict harm upon our spouses. Nothing physical happened in the dream, as it never got to that point, but the feeling of having stepped into a riptide of attraction remained for hours even after I woke up. I was relieved it was just a dream.

The reality in my real life is that in thirteen years of marriage, I have never once been in a situation in which I was tempted to be unfaithful. That's not to say it can't happen, only that it hasn't so far. 

I suppose part of that can be attributed to my adoption of the "Pence Approach" of never being alone with a person of the opposite sex (married or not) and having an "open-book" policy with computers, phones, email, texts, etc with my wife. I also (thank God) have never picked up on any "vibes" from any member of the opposite sex I've come into contact with that were flirtatious or suggestive. 

In the past few years I have known or known through association five people who cheated on their spouses. Four were male, one was female:

Person 1 cheated on their spouse with a lower-level associate from work. Divorce ensued. Person 1 is in their mid-fifties.

Person 2 cheated on their spouse with a neighbor, also married with children. Divorce pending. Person 2 is in their mid-forties.

Person 3 cheated on their spouse with a series of prostitutes. Still Married. Person 3 is in their mid-forties.

Person 4 took up a new partner when the spouse was diagnosed with cancer. Person moved in with new partner, but is still legally married. Person 4 is in their mid-sixties. 

Person 5 took up a new partner when the spouse was diagnosed with dementia. Person moved out of state and in with the new partner, but is still legally married. Person 5 is in their mid-seventies.

It's always tough to judge actions while withholding judgment of the individuals. The actions are indeed worthy of condemnation, while it is up to God to judge the people themselves. 

Some cheat because they are unhappy or unfulfilled in their marriage, but not always. One woman who was in a "happy marriage," but who still found herself engaging in an extra-marital affair, found the chasing of fantasy (rather than pure physical appetite), part of the allure:

"Affairs are by definition precarious, elusive, and ambiguous. The indeterminacy, the uncertainty, the not knowing when we’ll see each other again—feelings we would never tolerate in our primary relationship—become kindling for anticipation in a hidden romance. Because we cannot have our lover, we keep wanting. It is this just-out-of-reach quality that lends affairs their erotic mystique and keeps the flame of desire burning. Reinforcing this segregation of the affair from reality is the fact that many, like Priya, choose lovers who either could not or would not become a life partner. By falling for someone from a very different class, culture, or generation, we play with possibilities that we would not entertain as actualities."

It also goes beyond attraction. Tiger Woods was married to a bombshell, but cheated on her with a homely Denny's waitress (among others). It doesn't make rational sense. In fact, the fact he confessed to sleeping with 120 women seems downright compulsive and borderline pathological. 

Affairs often don't "just happen" though; the term "slippery slope" is cliche but apt here. There are often early warning signals and opportunities to shut down the potential towards unfaithfulness. The problem is that individuals who fall into adultery don't often heed these signs and take swift action to flee the situations, but instead entertain and engage them. 

But why? What is it about the seedbed of affairs that blinds us to the dire consequences of such an act of betrayal? It's equally hard to find a common motive among adulterers, but I'm going to try anyway. I think the elusive common denominator (which applies to both men and women, albeit in different manifestations) is attention.

I suspect that for women, there is that innate desire, as Olivia Newton John's famous song expressed, "to want to be wanted." For men, there is a similar reflective quality; men want to be wanted to, but not typically for emotional needs. Instead, when a women sends out signals to a man that she is interested or inviting, it is reflective in the sense that he sees himself in her advances; i.e., "there is something about me that turns this person on." And that is itself the primary turn-on: it strokes the ego in a masturbatory fashion.

This symbiotic feeding of egos is a common thread in adulterous relationships. When we fall in love with our spouses before marriage, there is of course a primal physical attraction that gives us an impetus to marry and carry on the species. Before marriage, this must be resisted not because it is bad, but because it is good. Eventually, that good desire is able to be given its right of place within the context of marriage for the generation of children and the bonding of spouses. As time goes on in a (healthy) marriage, we find that we continue to struggle with selfishness and bruised egos, but that love demands that we forgo such narcissistic tendencies to will the good of the other.  As the love deepens and matures and becomes less preoccupied with itself, we find that we hurt when our spouse hurts, and feel joy when they feel joy. 

There is nothing good about an affair, however, and no self-giving is present. Affairs are, almost by definition, completely self-seeking and egotistic. They are an attempted replacement for something...something that may be tarnished and worn but still of great value and which should have been given pride of place. In a Christian marriage, when one looks in the eyes of their spouse, they should see Christ whom they serve. In an adulterous relationship, one looks in the eyes of their lover and rather than seeing Christ, they see...themselves. 

Affairs always hold the allure of excitement early on. Like all lies, it looks outside the self for validation. Even the excitement that got one into this mess in the first place becomes a trap. Whereas one's ego may be stroked in the partner's desire reflected back to him, eventually you get tired of looking at your own reflection, because sin is not comely, but ugly. And yet sin, like insanity, is doing the same thing and expecting a different result each time. It shouldn't take a hundred and twenty cocktail waitresses as human collateral to realize that the problem is not them, but you. 

Narcissism and adultery are like the peanut butter and jelly in the rotten sandwich of sin. Self-centered, a lack of empathy and concern for the feelings of others, manipulating to achieve what one wants, a need for admiration...scratch a narcissist and you will likely find an adulterer underneath the surface. 

The thing about a healthy marriage, though, is that while the physical can sometimes become commonplace over the decades, the capacity to know the other beyond just the sexual deepens. Adultery is like a plastic kiddie pool of physical pleasure where you splash around for a few weeks or months but in time discover how shallow the water is. 

The marriage bed, by contrast, is like a coral reef where decades of monogamous sexual self-giving has produced a deep bedrock of nuance, colors, and subtlety. The longer you spend there, the more unplumbed it seems to be. What seems 'boring' and common over time has suddenly become bright, mysterious, and teeming with life.

It's a fragile ecosystem though; one act of adultery is like TnT'ing the ocean floor and potentially destroying all the delicate coral and sea creatures in it. Just like any natural disaster can be cleaned up and nursed back to health over time, a marriage can recover and heal from such acts of infidelity with the grace of forgiveness and the hard work of contrite marital penance. 

No one seeks to have an affair because they want to work hard, but because they want to play. One must learn to look in the mirror and seek not the titillating rise of a stroked ego, but the true image of one's sin in contrast to the goodness of Christ, who had no guile in him. One's spouse can help reflect Christ to the other by their own grace and forgiveness, but it is work...and work is an attribute of marriage. 

In the five examples listed at the beginning of this post, none of them really had a happy ending. They may have had different endings that are not yet finished, but a lot was needlessly sacrificed because of the self-seeking gratification that an affair or different partner promised. People got hurt, as tends to happen with sin. The people involved are not necessarily happier, which sin also promises but does not deliver on.

But this is all of us as well. The things we chase that entice us and then vanish into thin air leave us in an unfamiliar cove, cold and alone, because we did not heed the commandments given to keep us from this fate in the first place. Avoid at all costs the fatal blow of adultery. Contrary to what the world teaches, "happily ever after" in faithful monogamy doesn't have to be the unattainable pipe dream it's portrayed as. When love is true, nothing can separate us from it. That true love is God in Christ Jesus, but its reflection is in our spouse, who lives and breathes Christ for us. Marriage is the arena in which we train to perfect this love so that when we meet our natural end, both partners can together wear the crown. 

Related:

Having Sex With A Stranger

"I'm Living the Cliche"--Extra Marital Affairs And The Illusion Of Happiness

Being Present In The Marital Act

What Does A Healthy Sex Life Look Like For Married Catholics?

 The engine is the heart and soul of a car. It runs best with regular maintenance and tuning, and has the potential to break down without it. 

Part of that regular maintenance is changing the oil every 5,000 miles or so.Why does a car's engine need oil? Well, there are a lot of moving parts in this complicated piece of machinery, and oil lubricates those parts and keeps them operating. It is essential, and you risk engine damage if you go too long between oil changes, or if your oil reservoir has a leak. 

By way of analogy, marital intimacy is the oil for your marriage--it keeps all the components lubricated and running smoothly, prevents overheating, and ensures a long life for the engine. 

John Paul II did a great service to the Church in his expounding on the vision of fruitful sexual intimacy in his "Theology of the Body." Sex in our culture has become so distorted and commodified that it can sometimes be difficult to know what is normal, healthy, and appropriate when one enters into a marriage. Thankfully, Christ and his bride, the Church, have a vision and purpose to our sexuality that is not only healthy and fruitful, but rightly ordered for our flourishing. 

Sometimes, though, the flowery theologizing can sometimes obscure the nuts and bolts of sexual intimacy in the minds of many Catholics. There is also the cultural flipside problem of secular cullture focusing on the nuts and bolts and abdicating any kind of theology of sexual intimacy and expression. 

Healthy Sex in a Marriage Is Rightly Ordered

G.K. Chesterton used the analogy of children playing in a fenced field to illustrate the importance of the moral law in the life of Christians:

“We might fancy some children playing on the flat grassy top of some tall island in the sea. So long as there was a wall round the cliff’s edge they could fling themselves into every frantic game and make the place the noisiest of nurseries. But the walls were knocked down, leaving the naked peril of the precipice. They did not fall over; but when their friends returned to them they were all huddled in terror in the centre of the island; and their song had ceased.”

This is the great grace of the Natural Law, the Moral Law, and the precepts of the Church: they give us a fence for the benefit of freedom. The secular world attempts to live outside this pasture, and may try to enact it's own "rules"--ie, the role of consent, lawful statutes, etc--but it is the Christian life which is the fullest expression of love and freedom. As Augustine said, "Love, and do as you will."

That does mean that in order to enjoy this freedom of conscience these boundaries must be respected and not transgressed. Martial intimacy is complementary in that it is reserved for those of the opposite sex; it is fruitful in that it is open to life; it is rightly ordered in that the marital act is completed in accordance with the Natural Law.

Healthy Sex in a Marriage is Open To Life

Sterilized sex (whether by way of barriers, chemical disruption of cycles, implants, or surgergy) that inhibits ovulation and the potential for new life to result from the marital act is not only a grave offence against the moral law...it makes for bad sex. You can't fight nature and biology--it's a fact that men are naturally more attracted to women when they are ovulating. When one closes the door to their fertility in impermissible ways, they are also closing the door to God's creative process in creating the potential for new life to form. There is something exciting about being invited to co-operate in this creative process, and one misses out on what God intends when they intentionally sterilize it. Fertile sex is good sex!

Healthy Sex in a Marriage is Self-Giving, Loving and Respectful

Sex is the barometer for a relationship, and what happens outside the bedroom affects ones sex life as well. When we act selfishly in a marriage, this can translate to our sex lives as well. When one "takes" without giving, or when one acts out spitefully, it casts a pall over the marital bed and the marriage, because selfishness is sin. Marital sex is not simply about gratification of the senses; it is an expression of embodied love. "Love is patient, love is kind...It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking" as St. Paul writes in 1 Cor 13:4-8.

Respect in marital intimacy preculdes coercion or pressure; it is tender, patient. It does not degrade or sacrifice dignity. It takes into account the individual's sensitivities. "All things are lawful to me," but not all things do profit" St. Paul again writes to the Corinthians, who needed guidance and discipline due to their sexual sins in that community (1 Cor 6:12). To the extent that we are loving and giving to our spouse selflessly, our sex lives will reflect that. 

Healthy Sex in a Marriage is Creative 

Sex is an endowed and brute appetite. But it is also an art, a language, an embodied poem of loving expression. The world is reductionist with regards to the sexual act--it is about technique and machinations. This is one reason why pornography is a lie: it sends the message that good sex is about these things. 

Healthy sex is creative, and creativity can employ variety as a spice. Again, this should be within the bounds of what is appropriate and moral, but it can employ creative license as to the "where," "when," or "how" it takes place, for example. Married people enjoy an immense amount of freedom in how they express themselves sexually, but can fall into routine over the years. It's perfectly ok to mix things up in this regard; variety is the spice of life!

Healthy Sex in a Marriage is engaged in fairly Regularly

As an appetite, sex can be enjoyed regularly and in fact this is a good thing. Frequency of intimacy varies from couple to couple, however, and should not be compared outside one's own marriage. For one couple, once a month may be sufficient for keeping the marital engine lubricated. For others, once or twice a week is necessary. 

There's no right or wrong, but there should be communication and compromise in this matter. Pornography is not only a moral danger, but a public health crisis as well. As St. Paul exhorts, "there should not be even a hint of sexual immorality among you" (Eph 5:3). When you cut this temptation out completely, and do not indulge even fantasy in your mind, you reserve that laser focus of desire for your wife, who benefits from it. Wives, honor this as well for your husband in offering him this gift of regular intercourse.

Healthy Sex in a Marriage is not used as a Bargaining Chip

Unfortunately, sex can be used as a weapon in a marriage. It can be withheld intentionally to hurt and deprive one of their rights. Again, St. Paul writes to the Corinthians on this matter: "Do not withhold yourselves from each other unless you agree to do so just for a set time, in order to devote yourselves to prayer." (1 Cor 7:5)

Women usually have the upper hand in this matter, so they should be conscious and may not realize how sexual intimacy is typically how a man feels loved. Withholding intimacy equals, in the minds of many men, a withholding of love.  

Healthy Sex in a Marraige does not incur Guilt

"My conscience is clear," St. Paul writes again to the Corinthians, "but that does not make me innocent. It is the Lord who judges me" (1 Cor 4:4). One of the greatest gifts of a clear conscience and being in a state of grace is that we do not incur the guilt  of our conscience; this is also the gift of the moral law and the clear teachings of the Church which give us the fenced field to play in. When we step outside that pasture, we fear the edge; this is akin to acting out sexually in violation of the natural or moral law. 

This is the case for so-called "vanilla sex." "You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love" (Gal 5:13). Freedom was made to be enjoyed within the bounds set for its protection.

Lust Is The Fire, Loneliness Is The Gasoline

 A number of years ago I was chatting with a friend in his townhouse in Arlington. We were getting ready to go for a hike, and I was asking him about life, relationships, etc. He mentioned that he wasn't with his semi-long term boyfriend anymore. In the interim, he mentioned--confessed, almost, with hesitancy--that he was making use of the gay hookup app Grindr. The way he described it, you would have thought one was ordering a pizza via Doordash: post a few pics, swipe a few swipes, and all of a sudden, a guy is ringing his doorbell at one in the morning. They do their thing, that is that, and the stranger leaves just as soon as he came in. 

The only thing new in this context is the technology, (albeit with a gay twist in this context, which I'm not going to write about). People have been having meetings of indiscretion for ages, though in the modern age the "hookup culture" is more ubiquitous than aberration. But beyond the normal (sexual) appetite--which traditionally was confined in the bonds of marriage--what fuels it?

Timothy Keller in his talk The Struggle For Love makes reference to Ernest Becker, a cultural anthropologist and secular atheist, and his Pulitzer Prize winning book, The Denial Of Death (which was actually written 50 years ago). With regards to secular modern man:

"We still need to feel that our life matters in the grand scheme of things...but if we no longer have God, how are we to do this? And one of the first ways that occurred to the modern person was the "romantic solution." The self-glorification that we need in our innermost being we now look for in the love partner. What is it that we want when we elevate the love partner to this position? We want to be rid of our faults, our feelings of nothingness. We want to be justified. We want to know our existence hasn't been in vain We want redemption. Nothing less."

The sexual appetite is the constant, n. What has changed in the formula is the isolation we have to deal with, the vacuum we have created by removing God from our lives. The inner emptiness seeks to be filled, since nature abhors a vacuum. 

Keller speaks of this emptiness in the story of Jacob in Genesis 29, who seeks the love he didn't receive from his father, Isaac. In a twist of irony, Laban "switches out" Jacob's love (the object of his romantic affection) Rachel with Leah, just as Jacob sought his father's affirmation in stealing the birthright of his brother Esau. The Hebrew term for "deceit" is the same in both contexts. Jacob is wounded, and after seven years of serving Laban is not preoccupied with being wed to Rachel, but (crassly) to "lie with her." Rachel will complete him, seal his emotional wounds. Of course, Rachel remains barren for fourteen years before giving birth to Joseph, and the "unloved" Leah eventually gives birth to Judah, the line of which the Messiah will come. 

We are all looking for love, for meaning, for connection. And we settle for hookups. Why? Because we are horny, looking to scratch and itch? Maybe on the surface. But if you've lived through hook-up culture like I have, that's only half the story. The other, more telling half is that loneliness is the gasoline we throw on the coals to keep the fire going. It flares up for a moment, but there's no solid mass to keep it going. If we're not careful, too, we end up getting some of the gasoline on our clothing or body and burn ourselves. 

Modern man is incredibly, incredibly lonely. And loneliness is so powerful, so difficult to endure, that we will use people in the most intimate way, robbing by deceit, just to gain a few moments respite from it. Even in a marriage, people can feel this way, but these coals can be stoked, whereas the single person must grapple with an empty fire ring that must be built from scratch. 

Why is modern man so lonely? Because he has made no room for God, the eternal ember of Love that is never extinguished. In reducing his personhood to appetites and urges to be satisfied, an existential loneliness that must be assuaged at all costs, man has nothing to keep him going except with a constant leap-frog of largely meaningless encounters. This is not how we were meant to flourish. 

Marriage is more than a repository to curb concupiscence. And it must be more than simply a romantic preoccupation with covering over our wounds. Hookup culture is the Splenda that leaves a bitter aftertaste. What God reserves for those who love Him is honey, "Eat honey, my son, for it is good; honey from the comb is sweet to your taste." (Prov 24:13)  In its fullness, a healthy marriage is the cure for loneliness, the proper ends of our sexual appetite, and in its fruitful expression, the generation of children. It's what most people, in their heart of hearts, are really searching for. Whether they know it or not.

Sex Is The Snare

A Commentary on Proverbs 7, on my twelfth wedding anniversary.

 [1] My son, keep my words, and lay up my precepts with thee. Son, [2] Keep my commandments, and thou shalt live: and my law as the apple of thy eye: [3] Bind it upon thy fingers, write it upon the tables of thy heart. [4] Say to wisdom: Thou art my sister: and call prudence thy friend, [5] That she may keep thee from the woman that is not thine, and from the stranger who sweeteneth her words.

Notice the "who" and the "what" in v 1-5. An elder is giving exhortation to a younger. He has traveled longer, farther, and seen the end and where it leads. Like a seasoned scout, he admonishes the younger to "keep my words." Notice the "what" as well. What should be the "apple of one's eye?" This is typically a moniker for one's beloved. But what should be the apple of one's eye? Their spouse? No, "my law." It is wisdom which should be one's first love, the captivator--not as a lover here, but as a sister. Of the wife: "may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love" (Prov 5:19). But like a sister, "wisdom is sweet to the soul" (Prov 24:14). 

[6] For I look out of the window of my house through the lattice, [7] And I see little ones, I behold a foolish young man, [8] Who passeth through the street by the corner, and goeth nigh the way of her house. [9] In the dark, when it grows late, in the darkness and obscurity of the night, [10] And behold a woman meeteth him in harlot's attire prepared to deceive souls; talkative and wandering,

Married lovers can communicate, after a number of years, with wordless words. They speak with deft gestures, looks, and the silence of what is not said. A fool, on the other hand, multiplies words (Ecc 10:14). The woman here, provocatively dressing her line as a fisherman ties his lure to bait ignorant fish, is "talkative," multiplying her words. She has "her [own] house," and yet is out looking to "deceive" by being out and about, "wandering." The young man's first mistake was "going nigh the way of her house." And not during the day, when there is accountability and witnesses in bystanders, but under cloak of night, "when it grows late."

The foolish harlot uses her many words to capture the hearts and loins of the young men, because she cannot stand silence, or staying put. The dutiful wife speaks to her beloved's heart in silence, as the years go on in their marriage, because words become extraneous and unnecessary in this communion. In contrast, the harlot hasn't the peace of silence, and is instead agitated by it. She is like a gyrovague, "who spend their entire lives drifting from region to region, staying as guests for three or four days in different monasteries. Always on the move, they never settle down, and are slaves to their own wills and gross appetites." (Rule of St. Benedict, Ch 1:10-11). 

[11] Not bearing to be quiet, not able to abide still at home, [12] Now abroad, now in the streets, now lying in wait near the corners. [13] And catching the young man, she kisseth him, and with an impudent face, flattereth, saying: [14] I vowed victims for prosperity, this day I have paid my vows. [15] Therefore I am come out to meet thee, desirous to see thee, and I have found thee.

The trap of adultery is the bait set in the jaws of narcissism. For even for young lovers, their love is full of ego--they love to be loved. As married couples age, they realize this intoxication of "falling in love" is a lure of the Lord, for were they to know the difficulties of the road and years ahead, they may never have married. "Lord, you tricked me, and I was tricked. You overpowered me and won" (Jer 20:7). 

And so the wayward woman sharpens and weaponizes the irons of her words, nuget covered barbs, but not before "catching" the young man and making him drunk with the tantalizing kiss which promises "more where that came from." She disarms his reason with a flaming arrow of what would normally be reserved for the altar. She even entices with a play on words, "vowing victims for prosperity...paying my vows." Were he not disarmed by a kiss, he may have remembered his own vows, but she has gone on the cunning offensive before he has a chance. 

See, too, the bait of narcissism. "You have come out to meet ME? Desirous to see ME? Found ME?" The young man is suddenly a willful object of desire, in his mind. Flattery baits the trap, for "pleasant words are a honeycomb" (Prov 16:24). 

[16] I have woven my bed with cords, I have covered it with painted tapestry, brought from Egypt. [17] I have perfumed my bed with myrrh, aloes, and cinnamon. [18] Come, let us be inebriated with the breasts, and let us enjoy the desired embraces, till the day appear. [19] For my husband is not at home, he is gone a very long journey. [20] He took with him a bag of money: he will return home the day of the full moon.

The words continue, now painting pictures of enticement in the mind of the brute. His mind is enthralled with the details of fantasy: "a woven bed, painted tapestry, perfumed." In his body, he is enraptured by her arms and mired in her kiss, but in his mind, he is transported beyond the streets to a exotic country, an intimate foreign chamber devoid of witnesses. For "even her husband is not home," and even the day of his return is set, "the day of the full moon" to allay the anxiety of an unexpected discovery. He is given a set window of opportunity, and he can't believe his fortune. A marathon of night-long inebriated passion. At this point, not only his mind swells with the opportunistic prospect. 

[21] She entangled him with many words, and drew him away with the flattery of her lips. [22] Immediately he followeth her as an ox led to be a victim, and as a lamb playing the wanton, and not knowing that he is drawn like a fool to bonds, [23] Till the arrow pierce his liver: as if a bird should make haste to the snare, and knoweth not that his life is in danger. [24] Now therefore, my son, hear me, and attend to the words of my mouth. [25] Let not thy mind be drawn away in her ways: neither be thou deceived with her paths.

Many words. Flattery. "Deceived by the flattery of fools" (Ecc 7:5). "Immediately" he follows her, his reason bludgeoned, any potential protest muzzled. He begins to be led like an ox to slaughter, captivated as Peter, Andrew, James, John, and Matthew were captivated and as in a trance, followed Christ to their ultimate death. "Immediately, they left the ship with their father, and followed him" (Mt 4:22). And yet it is not wisdom, or grace, or the precepts of the Lord that draw the young man away as his father's words recede in the background of his mind, but desire, inpropriety...the flesh. 

[26] For she hath cast down many wounded, and the strongest have been slain by her. [27] Her house is the way to hell, reaching even to the inner chambers of death.

But unlike the disciples--the followers of Christ who were led from their earthly ties and died for gain--the young victim is led to his spiritual deathbed by the earthly, the temporal, the honey-soaked poison, never to rise again. "The mighty are cast from their thrones" (Lk 1:52). And here the harlot, the temptor casts down the wounded--wounded reason, wounded conviction, wounded temperance. She has wounded virtue and sound mind with her arrows, "piercing his liver" like a bird. He joins the army of corpses, among them even "the strongest." For strength is impotent before desire, for desire disarms and dethrones a man from within. In the post-coital bed, the sheer drapes of fantasy dissolve and the "house, the inner chamber" which brought him here has become his prison, his hell, his death. 

"For as wisdom is a defence, so money is a defence : but learning and wisdom excel in this, that they give life to him that possesseth them" 

(Ecc 7:12)

The Shortcut Through Samaria

 My first class in grad school was a summer seminar on Romans, taught by a scholar who had spent his entire academic career studying this one book of the Bible. Yikes! I had been accepted to the program on a provisional basis, since I didn't have a background in theology. To boot, I had only been Catholic for a few years and was still "learning the lingo" as they say. It didn't help that beginning grad school commenced with one of the worst depressions I had experienced. It was so bad that my mother had to pick me up from my apartment once a week and drive me to class while waiting in the commons for me to finish. Every night I had to go home and look words up in the dictionary just to keep my head above water. I finished out the class with an A-. It was to be the beginning of an arduous five year period of grinding through the program while feeling like a complete outsider that didn't speak the language. 

I had moved to Philly from Harrisburg, where I worked and ministered in one of the roughest parts of the city, Allison Hill. My neighbors were the drug addicted, the dealers, the working girls. I remember one morning after Mass a young seminarian assigned at the parish across the street was in our rowhouse kitchen; his lexicon was composed almost exclusively of what we would call "church speak." I knew what a "trick," an "eight-ball," and a "john" were, but I didn't know what we he was talking about when he referenced an "alb" or a "ciborium." He was a nice guy, but from a different world.

As Catholics, we tend to seek out and fall in with our own. Like many cultures, we have our own lexicon we sometimes use as proving ground to show how Catholic we are. Msgr Pope has a great post on this here, where he notes,

"One time I proudly announced, “RCIA classes will begin next week, so if you know anyone who is interested in attending please fill out an information card on the table just outside the sacristy door.” I thought I’d been perfectly clear, but then a new member approached me after Mass to inquire about the availability of classes to become Catholic and when they would begin. Wondering if she’d forgotten the announcement I reminded her what I had said about RCIA classes. She looked at me blankly. “Oh,” I said, “Let me explain what I mean by RCIA.” After I did so, I mentioned that she could pick up a flyer over by the sacristy door. Again I got a blank stare, followed by the question “What’s a sacristy?” Did I dare tell her that the classes would be held in the rectory?"

The problem with this kind of "insider baseball" is that it can insulate us from the challenging work of sharing the Good News and making disciples of all nations. Those nations may be pagan, and they may be the places "where men fear to tread" because they are so foreign. In John 4 we see Jesus "had to go through Samaria" (Jn 4:4). He took the direct route north from Jerusalem to Galilee through Samaria, in contrast to most Jews who took the longer, indirect route east of the River Jordan through Peraea because of their hatred for the Samaritans. When I would visit clients for work when I lived in the city, I would cut across the most dangerous parts of the city on my bike because I didn't think to take a roundabout route. As a result, I had a lot of "encounters" that helped open my eyes to an societal underbelly where the Son of God is desperately needed but seen as a foreigner who would never deign to enter into this world if he knew what was good for him.

These places had their own language, their own lexicon, their own code of conduct. I read a lot of spiritual and churchy books, but I try not to limit myself either. One of these underbelly books I would like to read is Pimp written by a man who went by the moniker Iceberg Slim. Without glorifying or apologizing, he details his foray into and decades as a pimp in Chicago. It's a savage world that most of us cannot imagine. Because this was "his world" he writes in a way that many people would have to decipher, the way I would look up church words in the dictionary each night that first summer of grad school. As a result, he includes a "Glossary of Terms" he uses throughout the book. I thought it was interesting to contrast a sample of his gangster lexicon with the 'church speak' we commonly use as reputable Catholics. I'll include a truncated version of each at the bottom of this post.

The thing is, those who most desperately need the grace of God and the ransoming blood of Christ are those often most alienated by the spaces in which they can receive it. The Inquirer ran a story a few years ago about the infamous Kensington section of Philadelphia, and the abandoned churches there. If you've ever been there, it's like a scene from the Walking Dead--a former working class neighborhood that is now Philadelphia's largest open air heroin market. Even for those in the depths of addiction, there is a recognition of the divine and the sacred--even if it feels like a place far, far away:

"Day and night addicted people come and go by the dozens through once-boarded windows. Some get high and collapse onto mattresses. Some come looking for prostitutes. Others have made it a home. Even in the depths of addiction, they are drawn to the familiar, the normal. First, a library lawn, now a church.

"I know it's probably not the right thing to do," said Josh Green, who is 28 and originally from Kensington. For three months he has been sleeping on blankets in the filth of a lower church office. "But I honestly feel a little more comfortable because I know I am in God's house."

They talked of the church as a safe place – a place they show respect. As proof, Steven said, they rarely shoot up in the main church.

"We wouldn't disrespect it," he said, squeezing his fist tight and injecting his forearm, before falling back onto a mattress."

Across the hall, in what looked to be a former devotional chapel, someone had spray-painted a plea: "Forgive me, father, for my sins."

  

A former seminarian I used to be friends with and I used to park our cars at the Cathedral in Center City and set off on foot to the "tent cities" with bottles of water and rosaries/Miraculous Medals. We would sit with those on the streets and they would invite us into the "vestibule" of their homes. We would listen to their stories--of struggle and hurt, but also hope--and pray for and with them. That's it. Maybe this is the "field hospital" church that Pope Francis encourages us to be a part of. 

One of the greatest thing about charity (love) is that it is a universal language.  When we use street talk or church speak, we confine ourselves to our respective worlds and populations. But the Son of God came into the world not to condemn it, but that the world through him might be saved (Jn 3:17), as a ransom for many (Mk 10:45). As our Lord said, it is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick (Mk 2:17).

GLOSSARY

APPLE, New York City

BANG, injection of narcotics

BEEF, criminal complaint

BELL, notoriety connected to one’s name

BILL, a hundred dollars

BIT, prison term

BITE, price

BLACK GUNION, powerful, thick, dark, gummy marijuana

BOO KOOS, plenty

BOOSTER, shoplifter

BOSS, very good, excellent

BOTTOM WOMAN, pimp’s main woman, his foundation

BOY, heroin

BREAKING LUCK, a whore’s first trick of working day

BRIGHT, morning

BULL SCARE, blustering bluff

BUSTED, arrested and/or convicted

C, cocaine

CANNON, pickpocket

CAN, derriere

CAP, a small glycerin container for drugs

CHILI PIMP, small-time one-whore pimp

CHIPPIED, light periodic use of heavy drugs

CIRCUS LOVE, to run the gamut of the sexual perversions

COAST, somnolent nodding state of heroin addict

COCKTAILED, to put a marijuana butt into the end of a conventional cigarette for smoking

COME DOWN, return to normal state after drug use

COP AND BLOW, pimp theory, to get as many whores as leave him

COPPED, get or capture

CRACK WISE, usually applied to an underworld neophyte who spouts hip terminology to gain status

CROAK, kill

CROSSES, to trick or trap

CUT LOOSE, to refuse to help, to disdain

DAMPER, a place holding savings, a bank, safe deposit box, etc.; to stop or quell

DIRTY, in possession of incriminating evidence

DOG, older, hardened whore, or young sexual libertine

DOSSING, sleeping

DOWN, a pimp’s pressure on a whore, or his adherence to the rules of the pimp game; when a whore starts to work

FIX, to bribe so an illegal operation can go with impunity; also an injection of narcotics

FREAK, sexual libertine

Absolution:

Part of the sacrament of penance. It is the formal declaration by the priest that a penitent's sins are forgiven.

Abstinence:

Refraining from certain kinds of food or drink as an act of self-denial. Usually refraining from eating meat. Official days of abstinence from meat for Catholics are Ash Wednesday and Good Friday.

Acedia:

A less common synonym for sloth, one of the seven "capital" sins.

Acolyte:

A liturgical minister appointed to assist at liturgical celebrations. Priests and deacons receive this ministry before they are ordained. Lay men may be installed permanently in the ministry of acolyte through a rite of institution and blessing.

Almsgiving:

Money or goods given to the poor as an act of penance or fraternal charity. Almsgiving, together with prayer and fasting, are traditionally recommended to foster the state of interior penance.

Angelus:

A form of prayer said 3 times per day; morning, noon and evening.

Anointing:

A symbol of the Holy Spirit, whose anointing of Jesus as Messiah fulfilled the prophecies of the Old Testament. Christ in Hebrew - Messiah means the one anointed by the Holy Spirit. Anointing is the sacramental sign of Confirmation, called Chrismation in the Churches of the East. Anointings form part of the liturgical rites of the catechumenate, and of the Sacraments of Baptism and Holy Orders.

Apostasy:

The total repudiation of the Christian faith.

Apostolate:

The activity of the Christian which fulfills the apostolic nature of the whole Church by working to extend the reign of Christ to the entire world.

Ascension:

The taking up of Jesus into Heaven forty days after the resurrection and witnessed by the Apostles. Ascension Thursday is celebrated forty days after Easter.

Assumption:

The taking up of Mary, the Mother of Jesus, into Heaven. Celebrated on August 15.

Beatification:

The first step in the process by which a dead person is officially declared to be a Saint.

Beatific Vision:

The contemplation of God in heavenly glory, a gift of God which is a constitutive element of the happiness of heaven.

Beatitude:

Happiness or blessedness, especially the eternal happiness of heaven, which is described as the vision of God, or entering into God's rest by those whom he makes partakers of the divine nature.

Benediction:

A short service in which the consecrated Host is placed in a monstrance where it can be seen and venerated by the people.

Bishop:

From the Greek word "episcopos" meaning "overseer". A bishop is in charge of the Church in a local area. One who has received the fullness of the Sacrament of Holy Orders, which makes him a member of the episcopal college and a successor of the Apostles. He is the shepherd of a particular Church entrusted to him.

Blasphemy:

Speech, thought, or action involving contempt for God or the Church, or persons or things dedicated to God. Blasphemy is directly opposed to the second commandment.

Blessed Sacrament:

A term Catholics use when referring to the consecrated Host-especially when it is reserved in the Tabernacle. A name given to the Holy Eucharist, especially the consecrated elements reserved in the tabernacle for adoration, or for the sick.

Breviary:

A book containing the prayers, hymns, psalms and readings which make up the Divine Office (a form of prayer said by the Clergy.)

Calumny:

A false statement which harms the reputation of others and gives occasion for false judgments concerning them.

Canon of the Mass:

The central part of the Mass, also known as the Eucharistic Prayer or "Anaphora," which contains the prayer of thanksgiving and consecration.

Canonization:

The solemn declaration by the Pope that a deceased member of the faithful may be proposed as a model and intercessor to the Christian faithful and venerated as a Saint on the basis of the fact that the person lived a life of heroic virtue or remained faithful to God through martyrdom.

Catacombs:

System of tunnels used by early Catholics as hiding places when they were being persecuted.

Catechism:

A popular summary or compendium of Catholic doctrine about faith and morals and designed for use in catechists.

Catechist:

Someone who teaches Christian doctrine, especially in Parish or School.

Cathedral:

The official Church of the bishop of a diocese. The Greek word cathedra means chair or throne; the bishop's "Chair" symbolizes his teaching and governing authority, and is located in the principal Church or "cathedral" of the local diocese of which he is the chief pastor.

Celebrant:

The one who presides at a religious service. The priest at Mass is referred to as the Celebrant.

Chalice:

The cup used at Mass to hold the wine.

Charism:

A specific gift or grace of the Holy Spirit which directly or indirectly benefits the Church, given in order to help a person live out the Christian life, or to serve the common good in building up the Church.

Chastity:

The moral virtue which, under the cardinal virtue of temperance, provides for the successful integration of sexuality within the person leading to the inner unity of the bodily and spiritual being. Chastity is called one of the fruits of the Holy Spirit.

Chrismation:

The name used in the Eastern Churches for the sacrament of Confirmation, from the "chrism" or "myron" used in the anointing.

Ciborium:

A bowl or chalice-shaped vessel to hold the consecrated Hosts for the distribution of Holy Communion.

Clergy:

A term applied to men who have been Ordained for ministry within the Church. Bishops, Priests and Deacons are members of the Clergy.

Cloister:

A place of religious seclusion.

Commandment:

A norm of moral and/or religious action; above all, the Ten Commandments given by God to Moses. Jesus summarized all the commandments in the twofold command of love of God and love of neighbor.

Communion:

Holy Communion, the reception of the body and blood of Christ in the Eucharist. More generally, our fellowship and union with Jesus and other baptized Christians in the Church, which has its source and summit in the celebration of the Eucharist.

Conclave:

The meeting of the Cardinals in complete seclusion, when they assemble to elect a Pope.

Concupiscence:

Human appetites or desires which remain disordered due to the temporal consequences of original sin, which remain even after Baptism, and which produce an inclination to sin.

Confessor:

A Priest who hears confessions.

Conscience:

The interior voice of a human being, within whose heart the inner law of God is inscribed. Moral conscience is a judgment of practical reason about the moral quality of a human action. It moves a person at the appropriate moment to do good and to avoid evil. An examination of conscience is recommended as a preparation for the reception of the Sacrament of Penance.

Consecration:

The dedication of a thing or person to divine service by a prayer or blessing. The consecration at Mass is that part of the Eucharistic Prayer during which the Lord's words of institution of the Eucharist at the Last Supper are recited by the priestly minister, making Christ's Body and Blood his sacrifice offered on the cross once for all sacramentally present under the species of bread and wine.

Contemplation:

A form of wordless prayer in which mind and heart focus on God's greatness and goodness in affective, loving adoration; to look on Jesus and the mysteries of his life with faith and love.

Contrition:

Sorrow of the soul and hatred for the sin committed, together with a resolution not to sin again. Contrition is the most important act of the penitent, and is necessary for the reception of the Sacrament of Penance.

Convent:

The place where a community of Nuns live.

Conversion:

A radical reorientation of the whole life away from sin and evil, and toward God. This change of heart or conversion is a central element of Christ's preaching, of the Church's ministry of evangelization, and of the Sacrament of Penance and Reconciliation.

Council:

An assembly of representatives from the whole Church called together by the Pope to make decisions.

Creed:

A brief, normative summary statement or profession of Christian faith, e.g., the Apostles' Creed, the Nicene Creed. The word "Creed" comes from the latin credo, meaning "I Believe," with which the Creed begins. Creeds are also called symbols of faith.

Crucifix:

A cross with the figure of the crucified Jesus upon it. Used by Catholics to bring to mind the sufferings of Christ.

Deanery:

Several parishes form a Deanery. This unit is administered by one of the Priests' of the Deanery who has the title; 'Dean'.

Devil/Demon:

A fallen angel, who sinned against God by refusing to accept His reign. Satan or the devil, the Evil One, and the other demons were at first good angels, created naturally good, who became evil by their own doing.

Diocese:

A "particular Church", a community of the faithful in communion of faith and sacraments whose bishop has been ordained in apostolic succession. A diocese is usually a determined geographic area; sometimes it may be constituted as a group of people of the same rite or language. In Eastern churches, an eparchy.

Disciple:

Those who accepted Jesus' message to follow him are called his disciples. Jesus associated his disciples with his own life, revealed the mystery of the kingdom to the disciples and gave them a share in his mission, His joy, and his sufferings.

Dispensation:

Exemption from a Church law in a particular case for a special reason.

Divine Office:

The Liturgy of the Hours, the public prayer of the Church which sanctifies the whole course of the day and night. Christ thus continues his priestly work through the prayer of his priestly people.

Doctrine/Dogma:

The revealed teachings of Christ which are proclaimed by the fullest extent of the exercise of the authority of the Church's Magisterium. The faithful are obliged to believe the truths or dogmas contained in divine revelation and defined by the Magisterium.

Doxology:

Christian prayer which gives praise and glory to God, often in a special way to the Three Divine Persons of the Trinity. Liturgical Prayers traditionally conclude with the doxology "to the Father, through the Son, in the Holy Spirit"; the final doxology of the Lord's Prayer renews the prayer's first three petitions in the form of adoration and praise.

Ecclesiastic/Ecclesiastical:

Pertaining to or of the Church (Greek/Latin: ecclesia). Hence ecclesiastical government is Church government; an ecclesiastical province is a grouping of Church jurisdictions or dioceses; an ecclesiastic is a Church official.

Ecumenism:

Promotion of the restoration of unity among all Christians, the unity which is a gift of Christ and to which the Church is called by the Holy Spirit. For the Catholic Church, the Decree on Ecumenism of the Second Vatican Council provides a charter for ecumenical efforts.

Enclosure:

That part of a convent or monastery to which outsiders are not permitted.

Encyclical:

A pastoral letter written by the Pope and sent to the whole Church and even to the whole world, to express Church teaching on some important matter. Encyclicals are expressions of the ordinary papal magisterium.

Eparchy:

A "particular Church", a community of the faithful in communion of faith and sacraments whose bishop has been ordained in apostolic succession. A diocese is usually a determined geographic area; sometimes it may be constituted as a group of people of the same rite or language. In Eastern Churches, an eparchy.

Epiclesis:

The prayer petitioning God to send the Holy Spirit so that the offerings at the Eucharist may become the Body and Blood of Christ and thus the faithful, by receiving them, may themselves become a living offering to God. In every sacrament, the prayer asking for the sanctifying power of God's Holy Spirit is an "epiclesis".

Epiphany:

The feast which celebrates the manifestation to the world of the newborn Christ as Messiah, Son of God, and Savior of the world. The feast of epiphany celebrates the adoration of Jesus by the wise men, magi, from the East, together with his Baptism in the Jordan and the wedding feast of Cana in Galilee.

Episcopal/Episcopate:

Pertaining to the office of bishop Greek: episkopos), hence episcopal consecration, the episcopal college, episcopal conferences. Episcopate is a collective noun referring to all those who have received sacramental ordination as bishops.

Epistle:

From the Greek word meaning "letter," This word refers to the 21 books in the New Testament that were written as letters to instruct and encourage the members of the early Church.

Eremitical Life:

The life of a hermit, separate from the world in praise of God and for the salvation of the world, in the silence of solitude, assiduous prayer, and penance.

Eschatology:

From the Greek word eschaton, meaning "last." Eschatology refers to the area of Christian faith which is concerned about "the last things," and the coming of Jesus on "the last day": our human destiny, death, judgment, resurrection of the body, heaven, purgatory, and hell all of which are contained in the final articles of the Creed.

Eucharist:

The ritual, sacramental action of thanksgiving to God which constitutes the principal Christian liturgical celebration of and communion in the paschal mystery of Christ. The liturgical action called the Eucharist is also traditionally known as the holy sacrifice of the Mass. It is one of the seven sacraments of the Church; the Holy Eucharist completes Christian initiation. The Sunday celebration of the Eucharist is at the heart of the Church's life.

Euthanasia:

An action or an omission which, of itself or by intention, causes the death of handicapped, sick, or dying persons sometimes with an attempt to justify the act as a means of eliminating suffering. Euthanasia violates the fifth commandment of the law of God.

Eve:

According to the creation story in Genesis, the first woman; wife of Adam. God did not create man a solitary being; from the beginning, "male and female he created them". Because she is the mother of the eternal Son of God made man, Jesus Christ the "new adam," Mary is called the "new eve," the "mother of the living" in the order of grace.

Examination of Conscience:

Prayerful self-reflection on our words and deeds in the light of the Gospel to determine how we may have sinned against God. The reception of the Sacrament of Penance ought to be prepared for by such an examination of conscience.

Excommunication:

A severe ecclesiastical penalty, resulting from grave crimes against the Catholic religion, imposed by ecclesiastical authority or incurred as a direct result of the commission of an offense. Excommunication excludes the offender from taking part in the Eucharist or other sacraments and from the exercise of any ecclesiastical office, ministry, or function.

Exorcism:

The public and authoritative act of the Church to protect or liberate a person or object from the power of the devil (e.g., demonic possession) in the name of Christ. A simple exorcism prayer in preparation for Baptism invokes God's help in overcoming the power of Satan and the spirit of evil.

Expiation:

The act of redemption and atonement for sin which Christ won for us by the pouring out of his Blood on the cross, by His obedient love "even to the end". The expiation of sins continues in the mystical Body of Christ and the communion of saints by joining our human acts of atonement to the redemptive action of Christ, both in this life and in Purgatory.

Fasting:

Refraining from food and drink as an expression of interior penance, in imitation of the fast of Jesus for forty days in the desert. Fasting is an ascetical practice recommended in Scripture and the writings of the Church Fathers; it is sometimes prescribed by a precept of the Church, especially during the liturgical season of Lent.

Filioque:

A word meaning "and from the Son," added to the Latin version of the Niceno-Constantinopolitan Creed, by which the Latin tradition of the Creed confesses that the Holy Spirit "proceeds from the Father and the Son".

Font:

A basin or bowl in a Church used for the Baptismal water.

Fornication:

Sexual intercourse between an unmarried man and an unmarried woman. Fornication is a serious violation of the sixth commandment of God.

Free Will:

Human experience which governs our actions and gives us the freedom to make choices regarding our full expression of God's love.

Genuflection:

A reverence made by bending the knee, especially to express adoration of the Blessed Sacrament.

Godparent:

The sponsor of one who is baptized, who assumes a responsibility to assist the newly baptized child or adult on the road of Christian life.

Guardian Angels:

Angels assigned to protect and intercede for each person.

Habit:

The distinctive form of dress worn by members of religious communities.

Hail Mary:

The prayer known in Latin as the Ave Maria. The first part of the prayer praises God for the gifts he gave to Mary as Mother of the Redeemer; the second part seeks her maternal intercession for the members of the Body of Christ, the Church, of which she is the Mother.

Heresy:

The obstinate denial after Baptism of a truth which must be believed with divine and Catholic faith.

Hermit:

One who lives the eremitical life. Through silence and solitude, in prayer and penance, the hermit or anchorite vows, although not necessarily publicly, to follow the evangelical counsels out of love for God and desire for the salvation of the world.

Hierarchy:

The Apostles and their successors, the college of bishops, to whom Christ gave the authority to teach, sanctify, and rule the Church in his name.

Homily:

Preaching by an ordained minister to explain the Scriptures proclaimed in the liturgy and to exhort the people to accept them as the Word of God.

Homosexuality:

Sexual attraction or orientation toward persons of the same sex and/or sexual acts between persons of the same sex. Homosexual acts are morally wrong because they violate God's purpose for human sexual activity.

Hope:

The theological virtue by which we desire and expect from God both eternal life and the grace we need to attain it.

Host:

The wafer of consecrated bread which Catholics receive at Holy Communion. It is usually disc-shaped and thin for convenience and there are two sizes; the larger is used by the Priest at the altar.

Hypostatic Union:

The union of the divine and human natures in the one divine Person (Greek: hypostasis) of the Son of God, Jesus Christ.

Iconoclasm:

A heresy which aintained that veneration of religious images is unlawful. Iconoclasm was condemned as unfaithful to Christian tradition at the Second Ecumenical Council of Nicaea in 787 A.D.

Idolatry:

The divinization of a creature in place of God; the substitution of some one (or thing) for God; worshiping a creature (even money, pleasure, or power) instead of the Creator.

Indulgence:

The remission before God of the temporal punishment due to sin whose guilt has already been forgiven. A properly disposed member of the Christian faithful can obtain an indulgence under prescribed conditions through the help of the Church which, as the minister of redemption, dispenses and applies with authority the treasury of the satisfactions of Christ and the saints. An indulgence is partial if it removes part of the temporal punishment due to sin, or plenary if it removes all punishment.

Inerrancy:

The attribute of the books of Scripture whereby they faithfully and without error teach that truth which God, for the sake of our salvation, wished to have confided through the Sacred Scriptures.

Infallibility:

The gift of the Holy Spirit to the Church whereby the pastors of the Church, the pope and bishops in union with him, can definitively proclaim a doctrine of faith or morals for the belief of the faithful. This gift is related to the inability of the whole body of the faithful to err in matters of faith and morals.

Inquistions:

Official investigations by the Church of suspected heresies.

Intercession:

A form of prayer of petition on behalf of others. The prayer of intercession leads us to pray as Christ, our unique Intercessor, prayed.

Intercommunion:

Participation or sharing in the reception of the Eucharist or Holy Communion by Christians who are not fully united to or in full communion with the Catholic Church.

Irreligion:

A vice contrary by defect to the virtue of religion. Irreligion directs us away from rendering to God what we as creatures owe him in justice.

IHS:

three letters from the Greek name, Jesus.

INRI:

the initial letters form the Latin inscription written on the cross: Iesus Nazarenus Rex Iudaeorum, (Jesus of Nazareth, King of the Jews).

PX:

a monogram of the first two Greek letters for 'Christus'.

Justification:

The gracious action of God which frees us from sin and communicates "the righteousness of God through faith in Jesus Christ" (Rom 3:22). Justification is not only the remission of sins, but also the sanctification and renewal of the interior man.

Kyrie EleiSon:

Greek words meaning; "Lord have mercy". Sometimes said or sung in Greek during the penitential rite of the Mass.

Having Sex With A Stranger

 

I have been married for eleven years now. I was not a virgin when I got married. I have had my share of participation in the hookup culture, not only during college but for an extended season beyond it as well. It is something I do not miss at all.

To be honest, the thought of having sexual relations with someone whose last name you might not even know, whose family you have never met, and you may not even like is an almost foreign one. Not to mention the potential to have a baby with them. It's crazy. 

I don't think the hookup culture is something anyone would say is "deeply satisfying" to one's needs or that "it makes me happier." Quite the contrary. Sex was not meant to be exercised in this tenuous context. It is typically something one settles for when you stir in the ingredients of a) appetite; b) loneliness; c) misplaced desires for love; and d) a lack of moral 'fences.' 

Then there is the issue of the married man or woman who embarks on a sexual liaison outside the bonds of their marriage, inviting foreigner bodies into their beds foreign genitalia into their person. There is something deeply betraying about such encounters to the spouse(s) of such adulterers that undermines both trust and intimacy. 

What is it that compels them? I imagine the gender stereotypes may prove themselves in these situations--for men, their physical needs may not be met by their spouse; for women, perhaps their emotional needs are not being met. Whatever the reason, it's a shortsighted fishhook that has cost the people who fall for it much.

As anyone who has been married for a while knows, there is so much more to sex in a marriage than the physical. If it was just about mechanized routines, without communication or intimacy, humor or lighthearted tenderness, it would grow stale rather quickly. And that's always something to be on guard against anyway; it's OK and even good to try to keep things fresh! As long as you don't go looking outside your spouse for it!

I would think for most people, the 'push' (from the Devil!) into an affair would be the simple "I'm not happy (with my spouse)." And so, they figure, since they have placed their happiness at the top of the list, they will go looking to satisfy it outside of their marriage. In almost all cases, though, it ends badly and without the satisfaction of finding that elusive "happiness" in the end. 

The marital bed is a protected space, and protected for a reason. Spouses who have been married long enough know the most intimate parts of their partner's bodies, their cues, their turn-ons; rather than this being boring, it offers the original "safe space" for vulnerability, which builds trust, which aids communication...you get the idea. But that house of cards can easily fall on account of even one incident of sexual betrayal with someone else. 

I had a man write me who was struggling to keep things interesting in his relationship with his wife. I won't go into details, but he was concerned about that 'open invitation' to virtual "foreigners" may lead to worse things. The one thing I did tell him is to think in terms of rights--you have no RIGHT to entertain thoughts, let alone any kind of emotional or sexual relationship with anyone other than your wife. It should be off the table from the beginning--not even an option. This makes it easier in the long run to not open the door at all to any such possibility. 

One needs to be mindful of their conscience. The thought of a foreign body or even an emotional entanglement is, in my mind at this point in my life, kind of gross. But there is a line you can cross over when you know you have tripped the tripwire of the conscience when such things become titilating or exciting. You find yourself looking over your shoulder, fueled by fantasy. As one woman who had an affair recounted:

"Affairs are by definition precarious, elusive, and ambiguous. The indeterminacy, the uncertainty, the not knowing when we’ll see each other again—feelings we would never tolerate in our primary relationship—become kindling for anticipation in a hidden romance. Because we cannot have our lover, we keep wanting. It is this just-out-of-reach quality that lends affairs their erotic mystique and keeps the flame of desire burning. Reinforcing this segregation of the affair from reality is the fact that many, like Priya, choose lovers who either could not or would not become a life partner. By falling for someone from a very different class, culture, or generation, we play with possibilities that we would not entertain as actualities."

One of the foremost benefits of a marriage is its exclusivity. Does it have the potential to get stale, boring? Of course. That's why you need to feed your marriage, pay attention to your sexual barometers, and find new ways to recharge your lines as the years go on. Do we grow old, heavier, softer, less attractive? Yes, and no one can escape it. Unless you try to, and find yourself stuck and tricked by the fantasy of eternal youth (with some other body). So you learn to love the stretch marks or the pot bellies, or whatever, because they are for your eyes only. There's an exclusive intimacy and privilege there that should not be taken lightly. 

If you open the door of your mind to going so far as having sex with a stranger (essentially, anyone other than your spouse), and are not repulsed by the idea, that may be a sign that there are some things to be mindful of in your marriage. I don't think repulsion is too strong a word, either. We should "hate sin with a perfect hate" (Ps 139:22) and be repulsed by it whatever form it takes. Anything that threatens the sanctuary of the marital embrace should be regarded with the same revulsion as well. 

Being Present In The Marital Act

 *Note-this article was submitted to Beauty So Ancient and accepted but was never published. I'm sharing it here; it it is ever published by BSA I will remove it from my blog, as they would have the rights. 

Marital intimacy is easy to take for granted, at least (if you’re like me) married and your spouse and you are in good health--spiritually, physically, emotionally, and sexually. As Christians, however, we recognize that sex in a marriage is more than just mechanics or routine. As the Church teaches, marriage is for the dual purpose of procreation and bonding--both of which the marital act, thankfully, accomplish well in most cases. But even beyond that, the spiritual elements of marital intimacy are so closely tied to the communicative and life-giving nature of the Godhead that they are integral and necessary for a marriage to be considered sacramental. As the Catechism of the Catholic Church states: 

"Conjugal love involves a totality, in which all the elements of the person enter - appeal of the body and instinct, power of feeling and affectivity, aspiration of the spirit and of will. It aims at a deeply personal unity, a unity that, beyond union in one flesh, leads to forming one heart and soul; it demands indissolubility and faithfulness in definitive mutual giving; and it is open to fertility. In a word it is a question of the normal characteristics of all natural conjugal love, but with a new significance which not only purifies and strengthens them, but raises them to the extent of making them the expression of specifically Christian values." (CCC 1643)

With such a heavy weight of responsibility to uphold these values and participate in the divine nature with integrity, it is the grace of the sacrament that makes possible what may seem to be, in many cases, impossible--lifelong love and fidelity. 

“By its very nature conjugal love requires the inviolable fidelity of the spouses. This is the consequence of the gift of themselves which they make to each other. Love seeks to be definitive; it cannot be an arrangement "until further notice." The "intimate union of marriage, as a mutual giving of two persons, and the good of the children, demand total fidelity from the spouses and require an unbreakable union between them."

The deepest reason is found in the fidelity of God to his covenant, in that of Christ to his Church. Through the sacrament of Matrimony the spouses are enabled to represent this fidelity and witness to it. Through the sacrament, the indissolubility of marriage receives a new and deeper meaning.” (CCC 1646, 1647)

For the rich young man Jesus encounters in Matthew 19:16-30 who goes away sad after realizing all he would have to leave behind, our Lord turns to his disciples and tells them in no uncertain terms how hard it is for the rich to enter the Kingdom: “Assuredly, I say to you that it is hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. And again I say to you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God” (Mt 19:23-24). In no certain terms, it is an “impossible” undertaking for men, and only possible with God (Mt 19:26).

Another seemingly “impossible” standard is the purity of heart Jesus commands in chapter 5 of Matthew’s gospel, taking the Judaic law to a whole other level: “But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh. on a woman to lust after her hath committed. adultery with her already in his heart” (Mt 5:28).

The act of adultery is a grievous injustice to the vows of fidelity one undertakes in a marriage, not to mention to one’s spouse. But such acts do not often come “out of nowhere.” Our Lord is an astute knower of human nature; for the ‘first causes’ of such acts emanate a priori to the act itself: “For from within, out of the heart of man, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, coveting, wickedness, deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride, foolishness. All these evil things come from within, and they defile a person” (Mk 7: 21-22). He also cares for human persons and human souls so deeply that he wants to spare them the hurt of such dysfunction that sin causes. If you want to uproot a tree, better and easier to do it when it is a sapling than a full grown one.

The term “mindfulness” gets a bit of a knee-jerk reaction in the negative sense among faithful, spiritual Catholics, as it is often used in the context of near-east, new age spiritualism. But in other ways, it is a neutral endeavor that involves focusing on the task at hand. If one is eating breakfast, one can be “mindful” of what they are eating--savoring the flavors, noticing the textures--if they are doing just that: eating. But often we are multi-tasking: reading the paper or thinking about what we have to do for the day. By the time we are finished our meal, the experience of eating is a kind of afterthought. 

Breathing in the Eastern tradition has always been the anchor for existence (after all, if you’re not breathing, you’re dead, and so meditative practices have been tethered to the breath as a way of grounding the consciousness. As human beings, without exception, we all breath, though rarely take note that we are doing so. Mindfulness as I see it in this neutral sense is simply being present to the most fundamental things, and practicing that by focusing on the most essential to our physical life--breathing--is a way to start.  

When it comes to the “task” of the marital act, the temptations for men and women can take shape in very different forms. For many women, sex truly can be viewed as a task--sometimes willingly undertaken, and sometimes grudgingly, but a task nonetheless. The stereotypical joke is that during sex women may be making a grocery list or thinking about something else entirely apart from what is taking place in the moment. They may be “somewhere else” entirely. 

For men, sex has the nature of an appetite. However, when that appetite is seen as necessary to be satiated at whatever cost, it is problematic, to say the least. Compounded by the prevalence of online pornography and the rate with which men have or do view it, men themselves may be not only “somewhere else,” but with someone else. This is the adultery of the heart our Lord warned us to avoid--the cataloging of mental images to be referenced and brought up as in a Microfiche at the very times when they should be the most present to their spouse--during the marital act itself.

Although I don’t have data or anecdotes to support it, I have a gut feeling that men “substituting” another actor in this most intimate act is fairly common. It may be a porn star, or a woman on the bus, that they are thinking about or bringing to consciousness willfully (or even unwittingly) while engaging in relations with his wife. Let’s be clear: this is a degradation of the sacred space of the marital bed, even though it has only may only have been occupied by his spouse. It goes beyond the innocuous example of being present while eating a meal to what one is eating--it is a sin, originating in the mind but willfully entertained, and done so without an admission of guilt or even an awareness of the man’s wife. 

When I speak to my son about keeping our thoughts pure and maintaining chastity, I try to reassure him that sexual urges and normal and that they may be excited by a fleeting image (an advertisement in public, or even an attractive cartoon character on TV), but that while “the first look is free” (meaning, it can sometimes not be helped when it comes across one’s path), but the second look will cost you. Meaning, our consciousness, like our thoughts, can not always be kept under control (the proverbial “monkey mind”), but we can train the mind in cooperation with grace (especially the grace of the Sacrament in Matrimony) to attain virtues that may seem otherwise unattainable. 

This “mental substitution” of another actor for one’s spouse during sex is not only bad training, and carrying with it a degree of moral culpability, but it undermines the enjoyment of sex by counterfiting it with something illusory. It’s a kind of hybrid form of virtual and actual porgnography by way of this mental substitution, and undermines the sacred bond where it is lived out the intimacy of the bedroom. Not to mention--it makes for bad sex, because the man (or woman) is not fully present to their spouse, and so not cognizant of their needs and the subtle physical cues that fully communicative intercourse depends on. 

Rather than see this as a condemnation, or an unattainable state of being (chastity of heart and body), perhaps men and women can rise to the challenge of being fully present during the marital act by putting their partner first, deferring their own needs, and engaging all their faculties (including the mind) to the “task at hand.” 

Not being perfect, we will fail at times, of course. But it is something worth getting up for again after a fall. Taking custody of the eyes, cutting out things in our lives that lead to unchastity, and self-deferment in the countless daily acts that make up a married life, is a good start. Though it might take a lifetime, spouses may find that as the years and decades go on, a house built on a good foundation of being present to one another inside and outside the bedroom, and turning away from the lure of unchastity of mind and heart, will bear fruit in due season one hundred fold. 

The Sweet Box

I ran across an interesting article at Crisis the other day about Japanese-South Korea relations. It touched on the controversial issue of "comfort women" and "comfort stations" during World War II:

"The point of the comfort stations was to...meet the sexual needs of its troops and improve morale while preventing venereal disease and ensuring that troops did not engage in pillow talk with local, unlicensed prostitutes, who were often paid by enemy forces to extract information from military clients. Virtually every military in the Second World War, and in every war before that, used some version of the “comfort women” system. American General Claire Chennault even went so far as to fly in disease-free prostitutes from India for his syphilis-wracked pilots and mechanics in the Flying Tigers brigade in Kunming."

In France, mobile brothels were referred to as bordels mobile de campagne or BMCs. These BYOBs (bring your own brothel) were given creative euphemisms such as "la boîte à bonbons" (the sweet box). In Europe today, the usage is less dressed up and more crudely utilitarian. In Germany, drive-in sex garages are known as verrichtungsboxen, or “relief boxes,” and in the Netherlands afwerkplek which translates as "a place to finish the work."

If this seems like a degeneration unique to modern times, I imagine you would be mistaken. Prostitution, as they say, is the oldest profession. If there were no demand, there would be no supply. And there has always been demand.

On the one hand, governments and military are taking what they see as a pragmatic approach to not so much solve, but contain what they see as an inevitable issue. For GIs at risk of syphilis and gonorrhea (the US army discharged 10,000 soldiers and lost 7 million man days during WWII because of these STDs), supplying their own sex workers was meant to keep disease, rape (which had the potential to destabilize relations in the occupied regions, not to mention the egregious act itself on the local women), and leaking of military info to a minimum. Yet, what is not addressed is why the assumption that men cannot exercise self-control, that sexual needs are an absolute, and that one can only mitigate the risks of such activity, is taken as a given.

You could make the argument that the law of unintended consequences (both social, economic, and criminal) might be at play when such liberal policies are enacted. San Francisco mandated low-flow toilets and reeked havoc on their sewer system as a result. Colorado legalized recreational marijuana in an effort to tax and regulate it, yet did not anticipate the rise in black market export of cannabis over state lines. A 2012 study found countries where prostitution is legal experience greater “inflows” of human trafficking. Germany showed a sharp uptick in reports of trafficking after it legalized prostitution, and in Denmark, where prostitution is decriminalized, the number of trafficking victims spiked to more than four times that of neighboring Sweden, where the practice is illegal.

I see the assumption that A+B will always equal C in play as well when it comes to the use of artificial contraception and abortion. Proponents of greater access to birth control argue that if you want to reduce the number of abortions, make birth control more widely available, and educate on its use. Slam dunk. But despite how easy and accessible birth control is today, it has not made abortion obsolete. Even Planned Parenthood's own research admits that 54% of women seeking abortions were using contraception at the time they got pregnant.

But this is not a social issue post. I don't know how to solve these societal issues on the macro scale. But I want to take the opportunity to talk about this idea of 'unfathomable' chastity as it pertains to men.

The sexual appetite is strong, and chastity as a virtue is not easy to attain. It reminds me of the scripture, when Jesus tells the disciples about the rich entering the Kingdom in Mt 19:23-26:

“Truly I say to you, it is hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. Again I say to you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.” When the disciples heard this, they were very astonished and said, “Then who can be saved?” And looking at them Jesus said to them, “With people this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”

It's not just hard, it's impossible. It's interesting that these words of our Lord come in Matthew's Gospel right after his words on marriage and divorce. Servant of God Fr. John Hardon, SJ, wrote:

"I never tire repeating that without Holy Communion, it is impossible to practice the charity which Christ demands of His followers. Plain logic tells us that, if this is true, neither can we practice Christian chastity without the frequent, even daily, reception of the Holy Eucharist. It is not only that our own frequent, even daily, assistance at Mass is a powerful source of chaste living. The Holy Sacrifice, offered on so many altars, is a reservoir of divine strength against the demon of lust for all mankind."

Note the relationship between charity and chastity. And chastity is not just "not having sex with prostitutes," or not masturbating. It is a purity of heart, for the married and unmarried alike. I have been listening to St. Francis de Sales' "Introduction to the Devout Life" while driving in the car. In the chapter on purity, he writes,

"Remember that there are things which blemish perfect purity, without being in themselves downright acts of impurity. Anything which tends to lessen its intense sensitiveness, or to cast the slightest shadow over it, is of this nature; and all evil thoughts or foolish acts of levity or heedlessness are as steps towards the most direct breaches of the law of chastity. Avoid the society of persons who are wanting in purity, especially if they are bold, as indeed impure people always are."

Modern man thinks of the sexual appetite in animalistic terms with no regard to the faculty of reason. Like an animal, he cannot help himself with these urges anymore than one can go days without eating or going to the bathroom, so focus on minimizing the fallout (disease, legal repercussions, pregnancy). This reduction of sex for men to the equivalent of relieving oneself on the toilet has lead to a bottoming out in poverty not only in the spiritual elements of sex, but in our regard for the sanctity of life, the dignity of women, and confusion over what constitutes appropriate sexual boundaries. Why should we be surprised women (and children!) are trafficked to feed the demand for sexual gratification, however heinous or perverted, abortion is so widespread, and sexual confusion so pervasive?

When I think of my time before coming to Christ, and even early on in my conversion before I had a firm grasp of the standard Christ calls us to, the idea of chastity of mind, heart, and body did seem unattainable. I mean, literally. But the victory does not come by sheer human effort or gritting teeth, but by grace. God has given me a new heart (Ezekiel 36:26) and has done things for me I was unable to do alone by my own will and strength, to purify my mind, my memory, and my heart.

We are not animals, we are men of reason, and though we will always struggle, the abandonment of our wills to the flesh is not unavoidable or only to be contained. Christ does not lower the bar to meet our weakness, but raises us up by his grace to higher heights to make us perfect as he is perfect and gives us a new heart, a new mind. He gives us the grace we need, and we should be indebted to a Christian ethos that values so highly the dignity of women, upholds the Natural Law, and the model of monogamous marriage. It is a complete paradigm shift that holds even thoughts liable to judgment. It demands a lot, but offers much as well.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." 

(Prov 3:5-6)