Friday, August 31, 2018

I Was Afraid Of Suffering. That Time Has Passed

I have no models but the saints, and a few friends of faith. But after living the faith for a while (like a fool, not having gotten the memo that everything is relative), you start to think yourself a little fray, a little cray, over time. Because all the dots are connected, everything is clear--what you are living for, what you need to do, where you are heading--and you look around and everyone--your family, the people in the pews, your pastor, your coworkers, the people at the store--seems to be unaware, unconcerned, or unbothered.

So you start to doubt yourself. Maybe I am crazy? Maybe I should tone it down?

I don't believe anyone needs to look for suffering. Unless it is God's will for you to suffer. Then that changes everything. And it very well may be, but that is His prerogative, not ours.

It has been my impression among non-Catholic Christians that suffering is not seen as redemptive, maybe something to be avoided. Not always, but at least in more prosperity-type mindsets. There is not the value in it ascribed by Catholics. In the Church, given the history of the saints and Christ's own suffering, it makes sense, does have value, is used in the work of redemption. It's this context that I find myself.


'When it is all over you will not regret having suffered; rather you will regret having suffered so little, and suffered that little so badly.'
--St. Sebastian Valfre

I pray I will not eat these words someday. But I'm starting to get it, and it is only by reading the lives of the saints who lived it. And even if I did, should it move me to weep in weakness, I would be in good company with Peter.


"I desire to suffer always and not to die. I should add: this is not my will, it is my inclination. It is sweet to think of Jesus; but it is sweeter to do His will."
 --Bl Mary of Jesus Crucified "The Little Arab"

God's will. His will. Always God's will. I would rather be the vilest worm by God's will than a seraph by my own (Bl Henry Suso).

We must abide by God's will despite what we think might be right on the surface. If God calls us to meet a friend at a fine restaurant one night when we want to fast of our own accord, it is wrong for us to fast. Who knows, it may be for his conversion that we are called to dine well that night and speak with tenderness over wine. And the nights where we desire a steak and a drink, He may call us to fast for this same friend. Who knows. Only God's will matters. Always His will. Lord, I come to do Your will.


"For it is better, if God should will it so, that you suffer for doing what is right rather than for doing what is wrong" 
(1 Peter 3:17)


The question should not be 'how will I suffer?' but 'will I suffer for Him?' We suffer when we resist sin, since we are in the flesh. That is doing what is right, what Peter talks about. When we do wrong seeking pleasure, we suffer but by the world's hands, since the love of the Father is not in us when we are consumed by love of the world (1 Jn 2:15).

Do we dare ask for suffering? That I am afraid of, still, reluctant. But in His will, only His will, it may be part and parcel. Will I avoid it then? St. Peter, give me strength to go to death in my time, give me faith as you walked on water, give me courage to suffer disgrace for the Name. 

I don't know what is happening to me. I don't know what is happening in the Church. But I know God is working, and He wills to work through us if he give him our fiat, as our Blessed Mother did. I used to be afraid, but I'm not so afraid anymore, and it is only by grace. My life is empty without Christ, and I want, I will to give him my life whatever comes, because he is worthy to be trusted. Lord, use me and do not leave me alone. If all my friends leave me, do not leave me Lord. And if you do, only fortify me in the darkness, and send your angels to minister to me in my weakness. 

See, you are doing a new thing in your Church! I was once afraid of suffering for your sake, Lord, but if it be your will and if your work demands it then send it Lord.  So that with St. Maximilian, I might have the privilege, Lord, to say: 

"For Jesus Christ, I am prepared to suffer still more."



Thursday, August 30, 2018

You Will Know The Truth, And The Truth Will Set You Free

For work we use something called a CRM (Customer Relationship Management) that helps us manage prospective students. It creates "workflows" and "campaigns" so that the "customers" receive regular, templated correspondence to keep them engaged and provide information.

I am in the minority, but I have made the case to my higher ups that people can smell Spam and cookie-cutter emails from a mile away. I know I can, and when I quickly realize something is a mass mailing, I have learned to just disregard it because a) it isn't personalized; b) it's meant to be disregarded if it doesn't pertain to me personally and is trying to sell me on something; c) I don't want fancy borders and professional photography--I just want someone to be honest and not BS me. There are enough marketeers in the world trying to get you to swallow their schtick with slick PR. We live in a world of information and marketing saturation overload, and millennials especially weed out what they feel when they are being sold on something.

I relate all this because we're going through the same thing in the Church today. I don't want your spin. I don't want your press releases. I can smell your phony bs from here in Pennsylvania where we're dealing with the real fallout from this deception and abuse. The victims want the truth. I want the truth. And I'm not alone.

Good priests and bishops and those who care about truth are coming forth and self-sifting from the status-quo. They are honest and forthright in their preaching, their writing, and their humanness. Some have been hamstrung for years and are coming forth with what they know. Many have nothing to gain and may in fact incur suffering for it. All for the truth. We want to follow the truth wherever it leads, however much it might hurt, because if we don't have that in the Faith we have nothing.

I have to be honest, I am with Fr. Longenecker that I don't hold much if any hope of the Holy Father resigning, nor the Cardinals, nor the bishops implicated in this web of deception if it proves to be true. I really think they just want this to blow over, and people with power do not give up power voluntarily. We also are not liberal democrats, democratic socialists, or Antifa demonstrators looking to overthrow the heirarchy. We are Catholics rooted in the truth and we demand the truth, but the truth has a way of coming to the surface in its due season. It cannot be held down, it cannot be surpressed forever. Our Lord said "I am the way and the truth and the life." (Jn 14:6). Our Lord said, "You will know the Truth and the Truth will set you free" (Jn 8:32). Why then are we being fed this cookie-cutter crocodile tear slick PR deflection? Becuause those holding it hostage do not want the Truth to come up for air, but to die smothered under a pillow.

What does Paul say? Listen:

"Our Lord Jesus Christ is coming again. We will be gathered together to meet Him. But we ask you, Christian brothers, do not be troubled in mind or worried by the talk you hear. Some say that the Lord has already come. People may say that I wrote this in a letter or that a spirit told them. Do not let anyone fool you. For the Lord will not come again until many people turn away from God. Then the leader of those who break the law will come. He is the man of sin. He works against and puts himself above every kind of god that is worshiped. He will take his seat in the house of God and say that he himself is God. Do you not remember that while I was with you, I told you this? You know the power that is keeping the man of sin back now. The man of sin will come only when his time is ready. For the secret power of breaking the law is already at work in the world. But that secret power can only do so much until the One Who keeps back the man of sin is taken out of the way. Then this man of sin will come. The Lord Jesus will kill him with the breath of His mouth. The coming of Christ will put an end to him. Satan will use this man of sin. He will have Satan’s power. He will do strange things and many powerful works that will be false. Those who are lost in sin will be fooled by the things he can do. They are lost in sin because they did not love the truth that would save them. For this reason, God will allow them to follow false teaching so they will believe a lie. They will all be guilty as they stand before God because they wanted to do what was wrong." (2 Thes 2:1-13)

You can put the Truth in a tomb. You can seal it up and you can stand guard. But when you least expect it, that Truth will be resurrected in radiant glory and blinding light. One stone will not be left among another. We will know the Truth. And the Truth will set us free.


Wednesday, August 29, 2018

A Merciful Tutelage

A movie I can't recommend (please promise me you won't watch it), but which made a big impression on me in my twenties, was Kill Bill. A Quentin Tarantino film, it is an artsy and violent wild west-kung fu fusion in which Uma Thurman as "The Bride" plays the most deadly assassin in the world who is out for revenge against her enemies and those who betrayed her. I could do without a lot of the violence, but for me the most memorable 10 minutes of the film was when The Bride receives her training under the cruel tutelage of the Master Pai Mei. She ascends the steep stone steps to the monastery  looking like a college freshman moving into the dorms, pig tails and all. She is already semi-proficient in the sword and martial arts, but you do not become the most deadly assassin in the world without teaching and severe training.

First she has to prove that she is in fact worthy of such teaching. The master berates her for her lousy Mandarin, befuddles her with riddles, and threatens to break her arm when she missteps in hand to hand combat, just to teach her her ultimate helplessness. When she proves her muster, he drops her to the ground, stating that "your training begins tomorrow." It is rigorous. Day and night she learns mental fortitude and physical endurance. Pai Mei hits her with a stick early on, but soon respects her tenacity. One evening, Master and disciple are eating. Because her hand is all but broken from training, she has trouble with the chopsticks and succumbs to a moment of weakness eating the rice with her fingers. Pai Mei throws her bowl to the ground and gives her his own, refusing to accept her weakness as indicative of what she is capable of. He pushes her because he desires to see her succeed her, as any good master would, and he refuses to let her fail. 



This scene made a big impression on me. I was looking to be trained in the art of spiritual combat, but had no teacher. The East seemed to hold the key to such training, so I bought a plane ticket and made the journey to a remote jungle monastery in Thailand to be under tutelage. 11 days of silence, limited diet, 6 hours a day of meditation, sleeping on a concrete slab with a wooden block for a pillow. The fact that it was Theravada Buddhist rather than Christian seemed a minor point then, though as I wrote here, while it provided me training in discipline and custody of the mind, it did not bring me closer to Christ--which should be the ultimate goal of the Christian disciple. If what you're doing doesn't have that as it's end, you might want to rethink your strategy. Thankfully the Lord straightened out my crooked path in search of ascetic discipline.

Of course I read the Desert Fathers too. Young men in the first centuries A.D. seeking wisdom would make their way to the desert to seek an elder to "give them a word." Books like the Philokalia and the Sayings of the Desert Fathers are full of wise sayings, but without a teacher the spirituality can be dangerous for the scrupulous, those given to extremes, and those not grounded in a degree of pragmatism. It can also lend itself to an eclectic "make your own spirituality," making one into the most detestable of quasi-monastics. From the first chapter of the Rule of St. Benedict:

"Third, there are the sarabaites, the most detestable kind of monks, who with no experience to guide them, no rule to try them as gold is tried in a furnace (Prov 27:21), have a character as soft as lead.  Still loyal to the world by their actions, they clearly lie to God by their tonsure.  Two or three together, or even alone, without a shepherd, they pen themselves up in their own sheepfolds, not the Lord’s. Their law is what they like to do, whatever strikes their fancy.  Anything they believe in and choose, they call holy; anything they dislike, they consider forbidden."

And yet, this was where I found myself ten years ago, and, to a degree, still find myself today--a student without a teacher. Thankfully, I do have a wise spiritual director who helps guide me. Books such as The Spiritual Combat by Dom Lorenzo Scupoli are a good "Art of War" manual for the disciple (I read the commentary on Scupoli's work, Spiritual Combat Revisited by Jonathan Robinson years ago). As Christians, the fight is primarily not among one another or against flesh and blood, "but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places" (Eph 6:12). It also starts with the fight among our own flesh, to subdue it in subordination to Christ and to the spirit. While we may not have a teacher under whose tutelege we may serve (since Christ is our ultimate master, and many of us as lay people in the world are not under vows), there are things we can do to train, like Paul says, "I discipline my body and make it my slave, so that, after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified" (1 Cor 9:27).

The first is simply the struggle against sin and ordinary temptation. When I am tempted, my first line of defense is the recitation of a psalm. The way I imagine it is I have a few by heart that I keep in a quiver close at hand. When the Devil rears his head, I draw an arrow and notch my bow, let it fly, and run, then drop to my knees. It is good to have have one on hand so there is no hesitation, no time to consider the temptation. My go to is Psalm 69:2:

"O God, come to my assistance; O Lord make haste to help me."

The second thing is prayer and the reading of scripture. Whether ejaculatory prayer, silent prayer, meditative prayer, mental prayer, or prayer of adoration and thanksgiving, prayer is indispensable since, as St. Alphonsus says, "If you pray, you will be certainly saved; if you do not pray, you will be certainly damned." You cannot have any kind of spiritual or ascetical life as a Christian if you do not pray. So pray, and read the Word of God.

The third thing is fasting. I am at the tail end of the first day of a three day water fast in reparation, and I tell you it is not easy. If it were easy, well, I don't know, I guess maybe you're doing it better than I am. Humility should be the horse that guides such a cart, though, and it needs to be pursued for the right reasons (in charity, reparation, penance). Sometimes Catholics are accused of trying to "earn" their way to heaven by works, and sometimes fasting can get lumped into this. But we know that in spiritual warfare fasting is an indispensable tool that, when accompanied by prayer, is often necessitated to drive out demons which otherwise would not be able to be driven out by prayer alone (Mk 9:29).

The fourth thing is charity. Even St. Simeon Stylites, who lived atop a fifty foot pillar to get some peace and quiet away from the crowds and cultivate silence, had a ladder for guests who wished to visit the hermit. We should not be so closed off in asceticism that we are not charitable to our neighbor, in good cheer, and willing to offer our own bed to him while we take our place on the floor. 

Fifth, when be wary of someone who preaches asceticism but does not live it out himself, for "none shall be crowned who has not fought well” (2 Timothy 2:5). And as John Henry Newman said “The very notion of being religious implies self-denial, because by nature we do not love religion.” So you'll know a tree by its fruits, and the one who does not fertilize will not have any to show (Lk 13:8).

Lest we think ourselves incapable of such penances and mortifications, we would do good to remember not to trust in our own strength or merit, to adopt the posture of the publican rather than the Pharisee who wished to justify himself (Lk 18:13). St. Therese the Little Flower is our model here, as she says when it comes to combat:

"On each fresh occasion of combat, when the enemy desires to challenge me, I conduct myself valiantly: knowing that to fight a duel is an unworthy act, I turn my back upon the adversary without ever looking him in the face; then I run to my Jesus and tell Him I am ready to shed every drop of blood in testimony of my belief that there is a Heaven, I tell Him I am glad to be unable to contemplate, while on earth, with the eyes of the soul, the beautiful Heaven that awaits me so He will deign to open it for eternity to poor unbelievers."

I am getting ready to turn into my "cell" for the night--the side room where our family chapel is, with a futon mattress, a chair, and a bathroom. Since I couldn't go to a retreat due to obligations, I decided to bring the retreat home and carve it out as best as I could. We all have to live according to our state in life, and live it the best we can, whether we have a bonafide teacher or not. When we don't, stick to the basics--prayer, fasting, examination of conscience, charity, love of neighbor, almsgiving. It doesn't have to be complicated. The Lord sees and honors even the smallest act of sacrifice for love of Him. Without love, all our efforts mean nothing. But since love and suffering go hand in hand, not being able to have one without the other, learn to suffer well for the Name by way of mortification--training, preparing, fighting, falling, and rising--because by it you may learn to love well.

A love that is scarred.

"Returning Home Less A Man": A Meditation on the 20th Chapter of The Imitation of Christ

I can't get away due to work, family, and other obligations on any kind of formal retreat. But last night I felt strongly the call to shut my mouth, my big fat know it all mouth, and just focus. These times are calling us to an incredible task, and it is becoming hard for me to hear in the midst of the digital din. I'm soft and distracted and to meet the demands of what we are going to be called to as Catholics we need to get hard, and we need to get focused. It's going to call for some training and lieu of a master or living saint, I'm hoping the next best teacher can train me and that is silence.

Rather than offer too many of my own inadequate words (which I may do after the end of this three day retreat-like period of prayer, fasting, and silence, as much as I am able in the midst of my day to day), I offer some from a greater spiritual teacher, Thomas A Kempis, on silence here:


"Choose a suitable time for recollection and frequently consider the loving-kindness of God. Do not read to satisfy curiosity or to pass the time, but study such things as move your heart to devotion. If you avoid unnecessary talk and aimless visits, listening to news and gossip, you will find plenty of suitable time to spend in meditation on holy things. The greatest Saints used to avoid the company of men(Heb.11:38) whenever they were able, and chose rather to serve God in solitude. A wise man once said `As often as I have been among men, I have returned home a lesser man.(Seneca,Epist.VII) 

We often share this experience, when we spend much time in conversation. It is easier to keep silence altogether than not to talk more than we should. It is easier to remain quietly at home than to keep due watch over ourselves in public. Therefore, whoever is resolved to live an inward and spiritual life must, with Jesus, withdraw from the crowds(Mark 6:31). 

No man can live in the public eye without risk to his soul, unless he who would prefer to remain obscure. No man can safely speak unless he would gladly remain silent. No man can safely command, unless he has learned to obey well. No man can safely rejoice, unless he possesses the testimony of a good conscience.

The security of the Saints was grounded in the fear of God, nor were they less careful and humble because they were resplendent in great virtues and graces. But the security of the wicked springs from pride and presumption, and ends in selfdeception. Never promise yourself security in this life, even though you seem to be a good monk or a devout hermit.

No one is worthy of heavenly comfort, unless they have diligently exercised themselves in holy contrition. If you desire heartfelt contrition, enter into your room, and shut out the clamour of the world, as it is written, `Commune with your own heart, and in your chamber, and be still(Ps.4:4;Isa.26:20). Within your cell you will discover what you will only too often lose abroad. The cell that is dwelt in continually becomes a delight, but ill kept it breeds weariness of spirit. If in the beginning of your religious life you have dwelt in it and kept it well, it will later become a dear friend and a welcome comfort.

In silence and quietness the devout soul makes progress and learns the hidden mysteries of the Scriptures(Ecclus.39:1-3). There she finds floods of tears in which she may nightly wash and be cleansed(Ps.6:6). For the further she withdraws from all the tumult of the world, the nearer she draws to her Maker. For God with His holy angels will draw near to him who withdraws himself from his friends and acquaintances. It is better to live in obscurity and to seek the salvation of his soul, than to neglect this even to work miracles. It is commendable in a Religious, therefore, to go abroad but seldom, to avoid being seen, and to have no desire to see men.

Why do you long to see that which is not lawful for you to possess? The world itself passes away, and all the desires of it(IJohn 2:17). The desires of the senses call you to roam abroad, but when their hour is spent, what do you bring back but a burdened conscience and a distracted heart? A cheerful going out often brings a sad home-coming, and a merry evening brings a sorry morning. For every bodily pleasure brings joy at first, but at length it bites and destroys.(Prov.23:31,32)

What can you see elsewhere that you cannot see here(Ecclus.1:10)? Look at the sky, the earth, and all the elements, for of these all things are made. What can you see anywhere under the sun that can endure for long? You hope, perhaps to find complete satisfaction; but this you will never do. Were you to see all things at present in existence spread out before your eyes, what would it be but an unprofitable vision(Ecclus.2:11)? Lift up your eyes to God on high,(Ps.121:1;Isa.40:26) and beg forgiveness for your sin and neglectfulness. Leave empty matters to the empty-headed, and give your attention to those things that God commands you. Shut your door upon you,(Matt.6:6;Isa.26:20) and call upon Jesus the Beloved. Remain with Him in your cell, for you will not find so great a peace anywhere else. Had you never gone out and listened to idle talk, you would the better have remained perfectly at peace. But if it pleases you to hear the news of the world, you must always suffer disquiet of heart as a result."

Saturday, August 25, 2018

I Will Stay

We attend Mass at your standard fare Novus Ordo church. I wouldn't normally qualify it that way, but the more traditionalist friends I make, the more I am aware that such churches are not, in fact, 'standard fare' for all. In my case, it has been all I ever knew for the past twenty years, and I never would have used the term until a year ago. The parish church we attend itself is 225 years old, so architecturally it is a cut above some of more, let's say, aesthetically utilitarian churches in the immediate suburbs. There is an communion rail, but it is not used. There are altar boys but there are also altar girls, though they do use patens when the Eucharist is given. The OCP hymnals are standard, but we do have an organist to counter balance I suppose. 

By my description you may suspect a subtle prejudice slanted towards traditionalism, and you would not be incorrect. Though I came from a left-learning background politically and liturgically, I have been reading and lending ear to those who feel the change (destruction?) of the liturgy after Vatican II was of major significance. In their view, it goes deeper than mere aesthetics to a modernist subversive front designed to splinter the Church intentionally orchestrated. Honestly, I am not well read enough to speak intelligently about these things. I have been learning and considering, and if I had to describe it in words I would say I have "traditionalist sympathies." My attitude has been, if I meet someone who is nourished by and feels that the Traditional Latin Mass will save the Church as we know it, I want to know why. So, you could say I am in learning mode.

I'm going to share a story that may seem unrelated, but you will, I hope, understand why later. Before my wife and I met, we were praying for one another. A priest told me in college, "pray for your future spouse...even if you don't know who she is." So I did. A Christian friend told her to do the same thing, and to be specific. So she did. When we did meet (online) and had our first date not long after (coffee) and then we got engaged and then we got married.

When are looking for a mate we instinctively look for someone to fulfill our needs; but it occurred to me somewhere on the way to the altar that God had set my future wife aside for me as a provision, but that I also was a provision for her. I had a role to fulfill in God's plan for her life and that as a couple we had a roll to play in God's plan for those we would encounter. I was an agent in her plan for salvation, and vice versa. 

I was reminded of this when relaying my struggles to know what to do about these "traditionalist sympathies" to my spiritual director this morning, especially since I have been questioning if our current parish is the right place for our family and that has very practical implications. He is a humble and holy priest, a man of prayer and asceticism, but also practical and pragmatic. I told him I don't want to go off half-cocked and uproot my family for knee-jerk reasons, and especially not if the Holy Spirit is not guiding the decision. He listened to my concerns, and shared, in simple terms, his thoughts.

"Have you ever wondered why God did not choose someone like John the Baptist to be the Messiah, and the Essenes to be the first Apostles?" he said. After all, John seemed to be a more likely candidate--he was a hardcore spiritual athlete, wore hair shirts and ate locusts, and never was there a greater prophet among those born of woman than him (Lk 7:28). The Essenes were Jewish separatists and followed John's hardcore example of fasting and asceticism, but lived in community. 

But that is not how salvation history was written. The first apostles hand chosen by Jesus were commoners--fishermen, tax collectors, married with children. They were not ascetics, were not scholars, were not rabbis. They were just...regular guys. 

He also said that he regularly leads retreats for Mother Teresa's sisters, the Missionaries of Charity. "Their churches are what you might think of as 'ugly,' their altars 'plain' and their singing," he smiled, "not very pretty." But they are doing God's work, what He has called them to, and this is their charism. 

"It's my belief that it is better to light a lamp than curse the darkness," he said when we were speaking of the scandal in the Church, and my frustrations. "You have to make the decision yourself of whether to stay or go and where to worship. Just keep in mind pastors come and go. And you may find you can be a light where you are." 

I nodded and considered his words. Be a light where you are. It made me reflect on my relationship with Deb--I have always told her, "I need you," but realized just as equally that "she needs me." I am her provision. I have no desire to 'trade up' or 'trade in' on my marriage, as I see so often around me when things don't work out the way we want or imagine. Whether or not she meets my needs is beside the point. We are one flesh, til death. There is no getting out of this. I'm not saying one shouldn't switch parishes should they feel called to, maybe the analogy is a flawed one. I also am not one to tell someone how to pray or how to worship. I'm just saying that for my current situation, I may have felt called out from where we are currently for self-serving reasons. It is very possible that we are there, despite perceived flaws (which every church has), to light a lamp rather than curse the darkness, to be someone's provision rather than seek to be provided for, and to offer gifts rather than strictly receiving them.

In this time of need, the universal Church needs us. The Church needs YOU. That will look different for everyone whether one feels called to worship in a traditional liturgical setting, or not. We are going to attend a Traditional Latin Mass tomorrow with friends who invited us, just to see and to experience it. I have the highest respect for it and for those who attend, but from afar. But in all honesty, I have never had a problem with the Novus Ordo either, as long as it is reverent. I know some people may disagree. But for our family, I'm inclined to think at this point, to leave our current parish would be an impetuous reaction. We will be a provision. We will light a lamp rather than curse the darkness. We will stay.

Thursday, August 23, 2018

You Have Not Resisted Unto Blood

What an interesting day! Two of my posts were flagged by Facebook for "not meeting community standards" One was the story of Fr. James Haley and his white martyrdom. The other was one of my blog posts. Friends reported they share some of my posts and blog and they too were flagged and taken down. Weird.

If you're here for the first time, welcome. I make $0 from blogging, have never made any money from writing in fact. I have no ads on my site and no ulterior motive or agenda other than sharing the Catholic faith and what Jesus Christ and our Blessed Mother has done in my life and the life of my family to anyone who will listen. I try to write every other day or so and keep it orthodox. I try not to be clickbaity, because I have nothing to gain by doing so. I usually spend no more than an hour per post. I don't have much more than that to spare.

Wisdom and Folly is not my first blog. I had one for a few years prior that was personal like this one but not as focused. When my faith and walk with the Lord started to crowd out the other things in my life (thanks be to God), I wanted a fresh start and launched this site three years ago and have been writing exclusively here about my attempts to live a Catholic life and disciple of Jesus Christ while being married and raising a family. I write about faith, family, marriage, chastity, and Catholic manhood, and have used Facebook as a platform to post my writing and engage with people. I used to have a pretty diverse feed but after the election that changed a bit. I have more peace having gotten off the fence that I was straddling, but I feel like it may have cost me as well. I'm okay with that. I don't see it as a place to evangelize anymore, though I did at one point. Instead, I enjoy 'being fed' so to speak by other faithful Catholics and learning what I need to learn from those with more experience than me to go into the fray.

Back to the flagging, though. Like many people, I've had a love/hate relationship with Facebook for the past ten years or so. As a friend told me once, "Wow, you really put yourself out there." Well, yes, I guess I do in some ways. It's a blessing and a curse, much like writing. A blessing because of all the faithful people I have met that I would not have met otherwise. A curse because, well, it can leave you a little...exposed. My wife is a saint for bearing with me and my subtle eccentricities, because they are legion. I'm not controversial by nature, nor am I conspiracy theorist.  I am not an intellectual or a theologian. I'm just some joe with a blog. So I find it kind of funny that someone is censoring my posts or reporting me to Facebook or whatever. From what I understand, other people have been experiencing this too.

Lest we think we are more than we are, that we are special, or that being flagged on Facebook is any kind of persecution, I like to remind myself of the scripture, "You have not yet resisted to the point of shedding blood in your striving against sin" (Heb 12:4). We do not need to go looking for trouble, because when you proclaim the Truth of Christ and live it, it will find you. Being a jerk doesn't make you a martyr, either. We should emulate our Savior in his actions: to pray for those who persecute us (Mt 5:44), count ourselves blessed when we are reviled and falsely accused (Mt 5:11), wash our face and anoint our head when we fast (Mt 6:17), and sing and rejoice in suffering (Rom 5:3-5). It doesn't mean we're doing something wrong (though this is how the world will make you feel), but something right!

I don't see or go looking for devils under every rock, though I believe strongly in the reality of evil and the seriousness of spiritual warfare. When you're steeped in sin or lukewarm in your faith, you're already had, so the Devil doesn't need to waste any energy on you. But when you start trying to live for the Lord, he goes at you, sometimes hard but by the usual means--ordinary temptation, dejection, desolation of spirit, sometimes external misfortune or calamity or other 'weird' things. No matter. He has no power over us when we are in Christ. Don't give him any more attention than he deserves. We are not Padre Pio or Jean Vianney. That doesn't mean the devil doesn't want our souls. It just means we shouldn't think we are great saints when we face ordinary temptation. We are sinners and should adopt the posture of the publican. We should be ourselves, and try to serve the Lord in the capacity appropriate to our state in life.

That being said, the little Facebook thing was kind of a wake up call for me. I don't know what God is doing in my life, but He is doing something. It can be hard to explain, but he is replacing fear with trust, comfort with austerity, worldliness with asceticism, and disease with joy. It is all by grace, and I would never want to go back having experienced it. I don't know what I'm called to do, but I'm going to keep writing about Christ, because it's what I seem to do. When I try to keep it in, try not to write, Jeremiah comes to mind:

"But if I say, “I will not remember Him Or speak anymore in His name,” Then in my heart it becomes like a burning fire Shut up in my bones; And I am weary of holding it in, And I cannot endure it" 
(Jer 20:9)

Those suffering for the Name in foreign lands face persecution, real persecution every day. In our country too, there are legal ramifications for standing for truth, but rarely is one forced to shed blood for the faith. That is why Fr. John Hardon referred to the oft-experienced 'white martyrdom' to differentiate it from the shedding of blood in red martyrdom. Whatever the Lord calls us to experience, that is His will for us, and we should go to it willingly and without fear, because He walks with us. But it's a nutty age, and we don't know how we're going to go. For Cardinal Francis George of Chicago, "I expect to die in bed, my successor will die in prison and his successor will die a martyr in the public square. His successor will pick up the shards of a ruined society and slowly help rebuild civilization, as the church has done so often in human history.”

We shouldn't make a bigger deal of our sufferings or misfortunes than is merited, and we also shouldn't underestimate the trials the Lord may have in store for us for our sanctification. Our job throughout it all is to remain faithful, to pray unceasingly as is appropriate to our state of life, and to offer ourselves, loving til it hurts...even to those who flag our little posts;)




Tuesday, August 21, 2018

"The Teacher That Goes First"

I had been thinking earlier in the day about how little influence it feels like the laity have when it comes to matters of influence in the parish, the chancery, the diocese or the Vatican. Or maybe they have more power than they know. I don't know, honestly. I am not an activist by nature, and so rallying or writing letters to the bishop are not usually my first inclination. I don't know what to 'do' when action is required, but justice cries for action, and so we all must do our part in some way. I am praying and struggling to discern what exactly that is.

The situation we have in this "second wave" sexual abuse scandal in the Church and in local dioceses is so damaging. But sexual abuse happens in families, in schools, in society at large...what is it about its prevalence in the Church that is especially hard for the faithful? The Church is made up of sinful men who fall, but She is also held to a much higher standard. Frankly, the extent to which this abuse occurs should not be happening and compromises her living witness.

Pope Benedict XVI said: "Faith both in the Immaculate Conception and in the bodily Assumption of the Virgin was already present in the People of God, while theology had not yet found the key to interpreting it in the totality of the doctrine of the faith. The People of God therefore precede theologians and this is all thanks to that supernatural sensus fidei, namely, that capacity infused by the Holy Spirit that qualifies us to embrace the reality of the faith with humility of heart and mind. In this sense, the People of God is the 'teacher that goes first' and must then be more deeply examined and intellectually accepted by theology." (General Audience, 7 July 2010)

The people of God are mad. We are not insulated by lawyers and PR firms. Most of us, especially the most outraged, have children and when we look at our children we think of the victims. So, the sensus fidei here is not about issues of doctrine (and may not be an appropriate use of the term), but about 'going first' when our leaders have failed to take suitable action. I'm not talking about policies and procedures, but righteousness, as our Lord said "For I say to you that unless your righteousness surpasses that of the scribes and Pharisees, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven" (Mt 5:20). This is not a Cesar Chavez kind of people's revolution to call for, not looking to overthrow anything or coup. We just want to see the Church be what She is, what She is meant to be.

This evening I was reading the story of the appearance of Our Lady of Guadalupe to the peasant Juan Diego. It was a telling tale, the story of a simple peasant, Juan Diego, to whom the Virgin came with an instruction to have a church built. He was nervous about having to go to the Bishop because he did not feel he would be believed. He was a nobody, a simple Indian and was regarded as one. But he goes to the Bishop at our Lady's command.

"He returned on the same day. He came directly to the top of the hill, met the Lady from heaven, who was awaiting him, in the same spot where he saw her the first time. Seeing her, prostrated before her, he said: “Lady, the least of my daughters, my Child, I went where you sent me to comply with your command. With difficulty I entered the prelate’s study. I saw him and exposed your message, just as you instructed me. He received me benevolently and listened attentively, but when he replied, it appeared that he did not believe me. He said: “You will return; I will hear you at my pleasure. I will review from the beginning the wish and desire which you have brought.” I perfectly understood by the manner he replied that he believes it to be an invention of mine that you wish that a temple be built here to you, and that it is not your order; for which I exceedingly beg, Lady and my Child, that you entrust the delivery of your message to someone of importance, well known, respected, and esteemed, so that they may believe in him; because I am a nobody, I am a small rope, a tiny ladder, the tail end, a leaf, and you, my Child, the least of my children, my Lady, you send me to a place where I never visit nor repose. Please excuse the great unpleasantness and let not fretfulness befall, my Lady and my All.”

He begs our lady to deliver the message to "someone important," since "He [the bishop] did not believe me." The prospect of going to the diocesan palaces in Mexico City must have been intimidating. But he was chosen, specifically, by the Virgin to carry out her work, for the task at hand.

"The Blessed Virgin answered: “Hark, my son the least, you must understand that I have many servants and messengers, to whom I must entrust the delivery of my message, and carry my wish, but it is of precise detail that you yourself solicit and assist and that through your mediation my wish be complied. I earnestly implore, my son the least, and with sternness I command that you again go tomorrow and see the bishop. You go in my name, and make known my wish in its entirety that he has to start the erection of a temple which I ask of him. And again tell him that I, in person, the ever-virgin Holy Mary, Mother of God, sent you.”

Juan Diego replied:

“Lady, my Child, let me not cause you affliction. Gladly and willingly I will go to comply your mandate. Under no condition will I fail to do it, for not even the way is distressing. I will go to do your wish, but perhaps I will not be heard with liking, or if I am heard I might not be believed."

Juan Diego was regarded by those in the bishop's palace as "the molesting type." He was "pestering them." Does any of this sound familiar, the "little ones" who are trying to do what is right by taking their concerns to the bishop?

"When he reached the bishop’s palace, there came to meet him the majordomo and other servants of the prelate. He begged them to tell the bishop that he wished to see him, but none were willing, pretending not to hear him, probably because it was too early, or because they already knew him as being of the molesting type, because he was pestering them; and, moreover, they had been advised by their co-workers that they had lost sight of him, when they had followed him."

He was treated by the prelates as the nobody he was. But he had a surprise for them.

"He waited a long time. When they saw that he had been there a long time, standing, crestfallen, doing nothing, waiting to be called, and appearing like he had something which he carried in his tilma, they came near him, to see what he had and to satisfy themselves. Juan Diego, seeing that he could not hide what he had, and on account of that he would be molested, pushed or mauled, uncovered his tilma a little, and there were the flowers; and upon seeing that they were all different rosas de Castilla, and out of season, they were thoroughly amazed, also because they were so fresh and in full bloom, so fragrant and so beautiful. They tried to seize and pull some out, but they were not successful the three times they dared to take them. They were not lucky because when then tried to get them, they were unable to see real flowers. Instead, they appeared painted or stamped or sewn on the cloth. Then they went to tell the bishop what they had seen and that the Indian who had come so many times wished to see him, and that he had reason enough so long anxiously eager to see him."

When the truth is revealed, the bishop and all present "fell to their knees" and "shuddered with sorrow, shedding sorrowful tears" for ignoring Our Lady and her servant.


"When the bishop saw the image, he and all who were present fell to their knees. She was greatly admired. They arose to see her; they shuddered and, with sorrow, they demonstrated that they contemplated her with their hearts and minds. The bishop, with sorrowful tears, prayed and begged forgiveness for not having attended her wish and request. When he rose to his feet, he untied from Juan Diego’s neck the cloth on which appeared the Image of the Lady from heaven. Then he took it to be placed in his chapel. Juan Diego remained one more day in the bishop’s house, at his request."

Juan Diego was a simple "little one" who had a message to carry to the Church. Like so many other "little ones" before him who have been entrusted with the secrets of the Kingdom and the requests of Our Lady, he was made suspect, ignored, treated like a peasant, and scoffed at. But it is to these the Kingdom of Heaven belongs, remember. I can't help but draw some rough parallels...maybe not fully connected dots, but at least with regards to my state-I am not a victim and have not suffered trauma at the hands of the Church, but as a simple layman with no clear understanding of what he is to "do" on their behalf and out of love of Christ and His Bride, and who is super intimidated by anything ecclesiastical, I trust the witness of St. Diego and hold him up as a model in this age for us laity: to be simple, to trust Our Lady in love and obedience, to not be afraid, to know the Truth, and to do what we are told in prayer.

St. Juan Diego, pray for us!


Monday, August 20, 2018

Oh That You Should Bear This Cross

I don't get many comments on my blog, but one I did get from an acquaintance shook me a little. It was in response to a post I had written titled "The Day That Cost Me My Friend" in which I recounted the fallout incurred with one of my best friends from college from my trip to San Francisco to minister to Joseph Sciambra in his LGBT outreach at San Francisco Pride (note that Joseph's ministry is not a gay-affirming ministry, but an in-the-trenches outreach to those in the gay lifestyle as an act of mercy to encourage them to reconsider their choices). 

I didn't know why I was hopping a airplane flying across the country and back in less than 24 hours to do this, but my philosophy in the past couple years has been, when God speaks, you listen. When God says go, you go. I'm not a super impulsive person, but in this instance I knew if the Holy Spirit was calling me to this thing I absolutely did not really want to go to (I hate crowds, there are places I'd rather be than the largest gay pride rally in the country, and I could think of better things I could use $750 for instead of a last minute plane ticket), if I considered it too much rationally, I would talk myself out of it. So I booked that ticket and just went before that happened. It was fruitful in the sense of obeying and getting used to what that looked like, and also connecting with many other friends and supporters in the Faith through Joseph.

Anyway, this mom of two, who I had once been very good friends with (but had fallen out of touch with over the years, so I have no idea the context but I can probably infer) had also gone out of her way to leave the comment on my Facebook page, and I'm not sure I had ever gotten a comment from her before, so I imagine something struck a nerve. It read:


"What will you do if it is your child that comes to you someday with this cross?"


Now, I don't like 'what if' questions, generally speaking; questions like, "if you were being tortured, would you deny Christ?" or "if your wife got cancer, what would you do?" Sure it's easy to say what we think we might do in whatever situation given such and such circumstances based on an over-idealized vision of our noble merit and a disregard for our weaknesses, but it just feels like futile speculating for the sake or argument, in my opinion. I take to heart the scripture that says:

"Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a city, and spend a year there and engage in business and make a profit.” Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away." (James 4:13-14)

It was a valid, but I did not feel, fair question. It also felt like a little bit of a trap with a hidden agenda, though it may have just been coming from an emotional place and I honestly didn't know what the backstory was or her family situation. The subtle inference being, if you take a "hard-line" Catholic approach, you'll kick your child out of the house and never love or speak to them again, or some such thing. I think I can safely say, despite my not being able to predict the future, that I would never stop loving my child and to take such measures would be extreme.

Every now and then I will meander over to Fr. Martin's Facebook page, though I am not friends his posts are public I believe. There are no shortage of parents (and it is mostly mothers commenting) with gay children there. I also see it in other liberal Catholics whose once solid faith has given way because of such things. I imagine they find some solace in someone in the Church, a priest, affirming their family situations. It can get a little bit dicey reading these comments and things too, because a lot of times I sympathize with their situations and things. The stage is usually one set in half-truths, though, and appeal to emotionalism. I think, well, what if my son or daughter was gay? Would I change my tune?

Joseph has assured me in our conversations that being a good father and showing affection to one's sons (and daughters) goes a long way in healthy attachment and psycho-social development for the children. But I also know, and have the humility to admit, that sometimes we just don't know what causes same sex attraction. It is a multi-faceted situation that oftentimes has some common themes (domineering mother, distant father, trauma and/or abuse, etc), but sometimes those things are absent and a child will still grow up with such an attraction despite everything. So, I don't know, but my friend's comment was pushing me to say to myself, "well, what would you do?"

There is more to the scripture from James 4. He goes on immediately:

"Instead, you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and also do this or that.” But as it is, you boast in your arrogance; all such boasting is evil. Therefore, to one who knows the right thing to do and does not do it, to him it is sin." (James 4:15-17)

We have a shifty way about us, don't we, as human beings to rationalize. We think of ourselves as having good hearts, but the fact is scripture does not support such a claim, for "the heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?" (Jer 17:9) and "out of the heart come evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, slanders. These are the things which defile the man" (Mt 15:19-20).

I don't like children being used as pawns, either politically or spiritually. A child's sinful behavior--whether it is lying as an eight year old about stealing cookies, or going to bed with their boyfriend or girlfriend as an eighteen year old--should never be condoned. As a parent, you may be the only moral pillar they might have to lean on in a morally bereft culture. Scripture is clear about our responsibility as parents: "Train up a child in the way he should go; Even when he is old he will not depart from it." (Prov 22:6). This does not always work out they way we may expect and no one is perfect, but it doesn't mean we don't do everything in our power to ensure good moral formation, and from an early age.

The inference is that if it is my child who is gay or living a gay lifestyle, it must be the Church that is wrong when it teaches about the disordered nature of such attachments. I imagine there may be some cognitive dissonance alleviation going on there. But the Catechism is clear that homosexual acts are contrary to natural law, and under no circumstances can they ever be approved (CCC 2357). So, where does that leave the parent in such situations?

I am reminded of the morally troubling book by Shusaku Endo (and recent film produced by Martin Scorcese), Silence about the Japanese martyrs and the specter of apostasy that many dealt with during that era in the 16th century. The book actually made a formidable impact on me, not because it answered any questions, but because it shrouded such moral certainty and elicited the uncomfortable response of having to actually grapple with these issues, in the same way my friend's comment did. For a potential takeaway theme (hence the danger in the book to those not grounded in their faith) from Endo is that it is "more compassionate" to in fact trample the fumie (the image of the Lord or Our Lady to affirm one's apostasy) so that the suffering of the martyrs crucified in the sea might cease and they be spared. One of the priests is haunted by what he hears as the words of Christ, "Trample. It is to be trampled on by you that I am here." But even Satan can quote scripture, and we know that apostasy, even for compassionate reasons, is an act of treason and a supreme offense against the God who died for us. To echo the catechism, under no circumstances can it be approved.

Scripture can be hard to read sometimes, in light of such things. For what does our Christ teach?

“Do not think that I came to bring peace on the earth; I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I came to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law; and a man’s enemies will be the members of his household. “He who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me; and he who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me. And he who does not take his cross and follow after Me is not worthy of Me. He who has found his life will lose it, and he who has lost his life for My sake will find it." (Mt 10:34-39)

You can love your son or daughter and not affirm their lifestyle. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. That comes with a cost and a cross, a heavy one, when they do not listen to you and you are forced to make hard, concrete, real life choices in that relationship. We should not make an idol of our families, as if "family is everything." As a father I have meditated on the story of Abraham and Isaac on many occasions. It's hard to appreciate til you are a father, the thought of putting your little boy on that altar as a holocaust, drawing the knife yourself, looking into his eyes, all in the back of your mind, "Lord, WHY are you asking me to DO this?" But remember that Abraham was being tested, as the Lord often does with us, to see where our loyalties lie. And the Lord blessed him and his descendants. Looking at it from the outside, without eyes of faith, one might see a deranged, sadistic God.

But the Christian knows. The Christian knows that this is a precursor to exactly what God the Father, in his unfathomable love for us, did. He sacrificed His Son, His only begotten Son, to save us from our sin. And Christ, in his obedience and love for the Father, went willingly like a sheep to slaughter. He could have passed on the cup of suffering in the garden. He could have commanded his angels to take him down from the Cross. But he obeyed unto death. The Christian knows what our faith costs us, what it calls us to. Anything that asks your life of you is not going to spare anything else as well. But what is promised will be returned a hundred fold.

Do not sacrifice truth for a lie. Do not be tempted to the point of succumbing to comforting affirmations that sparkle and shine, especially when contrasted with the steep and shadowy road to Calvary. We have no right to take away another's cross if it be God's method to sanctify them. Though you might gain in this life, will lose it in the next, and your children will be no consolation there. Love them to death, and love them enough to show them what truth under pressure looks like. They will hate you for it. They may leave. But by prayer and fasting, by a severe mercy and love, by being the father that scans the horizon day after day and girds his dress and runs out undignified on the day their son make his way home from the foreign country he had set out for. Well...you may just save their souls in the end.

Sunday, August 19, 2018

The Death of Faith

Deb and I got a chance to brew some coffee after the kids went to bed and watch a movie she got from the library--a Woody Allen film, Irrational Man with Joaquin Phoenix and Emma Stone. I have a soft spot for existential-themed films (I was a big fan of "I Heart Huckabees," though I know practically no one who 'got it'). I was never into the nihilists like Sartre but Kierkegaard pushed my Christian boundaries a bit, pre-orthodoxy, and I could appreciate the stripped-down absurdism in Camus' The Stranger. Having existentialist tendencies--regarding meaning as a fabricated attempt to make sense of our otherwise ultimately meaningless (or radically subjective) existence and insulate ourselves from an indifferent universe bereft of it--might be kind of hip and edgy for aspiring sophomore intellectuals and brooding seniors who secretly long for meaning in their lives but who are too cool (or scared) to commit to it. But for middle-aged college professors who teach and live it (Joaquin Phoenix), the result is the usual cliche and pithy momentary pleasures of alcohol, one night stands, and depression.

But something does wake up Phoenix in the film from his existential depression. When he overhears a mother going through divorce proceedings lamenting that she can't get custody of her kids and is running out of money to appeal because of a corrupt judge, he decides to take it upon himself to off the judge as a moral imperative "to make the world, in some small way, a better place." Suddenly his life has meaning and purpose. The thought of exacting this kind of radical judgment--not in words and books and ideas, but in real life--gives him a reason to live and something to live for, cures his year long sexual impotence, and offers a view of the world in Technicolor. His plan to poison the judge's orange juice with cyanide is successful, and he feels he has pulled off the perfect crime in true unwittingly narcissistic form.

His wonky moral high ground is compromised, though, when the student he is having an affair with (Emma Stone)--who was sympathetic, at least intellectually, to his desire for justice for the woman going through the divorce--puts two and two together and realizes Phoenix poisoned the judge. To boot, the police have arrested an innocent man for the crime who is faced with a life sentence. Suddenly the university lectures and theoretical jabber about meaning and existence and morality has become "real life:" a man is dead, a crime has been committed, and an innocent man is arrested. Stone realizes the right thing to do is for Phoenix to turn himself in to the police, but after cowardly refusing to accept the consequences of his actions ("I can't go to jail") he attempts to silence her as well to hide his deed by throwing her down an elevator shoot and making it look like an accident. In the struggle, he slips on a flashlight that falls from her purse (which, ironically, he won for her as a prize at a carnival, confirmation of his good "luck") and falls down the shoot himself.

I didn't intend for this to be a benign movie review. But it did make me reflect on some themes in light of the struggle for meaning and crisis of faith many Catholics are experiencing today as a result of the crimes of those in authority; the inability of those figures in authority to recognize the very real spiritual deaths experienced by the victims of their abuse; the cowardly ensuing cover ups; and the red hot (and justified) desire for justice and transparency from the faithful.

Whereas the existentialist may "create his own meaning" in the absence of objective moral norms to make life in an indifferent universe bearable, the Christian recognizes, by way of faith, that moral directives transcend individual tastes--we have the Ten Commandments given to Moses by God Himself to His people; we have the conviction of the Holy Spirit in an informed conscience, which is not completely untethered from the universal moral law in complete subjectivism, but is informed by it; we have the living example of the saints and those who followed the real, historical man, Jesus of Nazareth, who made the claim to be God incarnate, God's own Son, who told us to love one another, provide for those in need, and hope for eternal life beyond this world.

For the Christian, meaning is not some made up, subjective, arbitrary reason to get up in the morning--it is the substance of our faith.  Our lives are meaningful because we have been charged to love, in word and deed. We have joy not because of a make-believe universal entity, a "Flying Spaghetti Monster" as the atheists would say, but because of an encounter with the living God that goes beyond psychology, beyond the intellect, beyond theology, to the very core of our being, the heart. This is what it means to be born again by the Spirit. This is our "wake-up" moment, a radically subjective experience wrapped in a wholly objective God.

We read theology and Church teaching not as intellectual endeavors for their own sake, but as a way to inform this living faith and to exercise it in real life more fully. We make sense of our individual calling--our raison d'etre--to do the objective work He calls us to do, by way of the subjective experiences of prayer, spiritual consolations, and affirmations of intuition.

Faith, for the Christian, is our reason for living. It is the oxygen for our blood, the blood for our organs, the organs that keep us alive. That is why the death of faith--spiritual death at the hands of those who self-servingly abuse with no regard for the consequences--cries out to Heaven; takes away the will to live, both physically, psychologically, and spiritually. It is why Jesus said it was better for those who lead others into sin to hang a millstone around their neck and cast themselves into the sea.

For those who find themselves in the wake of this scandal shell-shocked and wandering around in a wasteland of betrayal and distrust without bearings to guide you, remember the disciples on the day of the Crucifixion. The prophecy had been fulfilled the night prior: "Strike the shepherd, and the sheep will be scattered, and I will turn my hand against the little ones" (Zech 13:7). They are disoriented; everything they staked their lives on was hanging lifeless on a tree. It was a dark three days before the Resurrection, which is where we find ourselves today--huddled together in upper rooms, trying to make sense of things, consoling one another, coming to terms with a work unfinished.

We know how the story ends in scripture, but the disciples did not have that consolation. Likewise, we find ourselves without consolation with regards to the battered ark, the Church, bereft and floating in an existential sea of doubt. This is when faith comes alive--it's no longer a textbook lovely little thing to muse and ponder in classrooms, but a steely, gritty, stripped down kernel of hope in a blanket of darkness. DO NOT LOSE THAT KERNEL. Hold it tight to your chest and protect it from the wolves and robbers who would strip you of it. Pray, even bereft of consolation, even as matter of form, even as duty, but grit down and pray not to make sense of things, but to be faithful to the end. People will be falling left and right, stripped away before your eyes--members of your own family, your friends, your kin. The resurrection of the Church is coming, and soon. And the Judge who was murdered by cowardly men two thousand years ago is making his way back.  The final ruling belongs to Him.

Saturday, August 18, 2018

Disciples Of All Nations

We attended a picnic this afternoon hosted by the co-op our kids will be attending once a week starting this year. It was a good chance to meet some other Christian homeschooling families. While we are the only Catholic family (as far as I know), everyone was very easy to talk to, with similar values who were making the necessary sacrifices to make homeschooling their children a reality.

Deb and I got to talking to one couple who had seven children who were really refreshing to talk to. In talking about God's provision and trusting in Providence, the wife mentioned that they were hosting international students in their home and it has been a really good experience. It helps them financially, but also affords them the opportunity to be witnesses to the Gospel to those who may not have ever heard it before. Ironically, the students come from the English language center at the university where I work, and I know the contacts there. I had even gotten the email about a year ago saying they were in need of host families and thought "Hm," but it wasn't the right time for us.

It was a funny 'coincidence' to be talking about it with this couple now, though we know there's no such thing as coincidence when you see with eyes of faith. Deb and I had been feeling called to exercise hospitality in our lives, as we have been blessed with a house that makes this possible. We had hosted families from out of town whose children had medical conditions a couple years ago in one of our spare bedrooms, but after Deb's mom died and the birth of our third, we had to take a break from it for a while.

I had met a Christian rep at a completely secular international conference I was attending for work last year who was from an organization that ministered to Christian international students, so I had been thinking about this for a while. We also had a substantial drop in income when Deb cut way back on her hours in order to make the decision to homeschool feasible, and are trusting God with our finances more than we ever have before. I have been writing and copyediting on the side to try to bring in some extra money and selling things on Craigslist. Of course the 'rent' money would be nice. But what has me more interested is the opportunity to be witnesses to the Faith--just by virtue of living our everyday lives, which is all we really have time for--in something called "real life."

I have been having my doubts about social media as an effective platform for evangelization, seeing it more as a way to connect and be fortified in the faith by other like-minded people. But we can't stay in comfortable homogenous social media world sharing articles and liking things forever; at some point we have to go out to proclaim the Good News. Christ said make disciples of all nations. Interesting.

But 'real life' does not always afford us the opportunity to be as blunt and forward as we may be while in social media mode. This has been on my mind as well. Moral issues may be objective, but there is nuance in approach that needs to be kept in mind, as well as cultural considerations, when witnessing in real time. I was reminded of this in reading a little bit tonight about sharing the Gospel with and witnessing to Muslims.

The family we were speaking to at the picnic hosted a Japanese student who had absolutely no exposure to Christianity and who wanted to learn about it; a Muslim student from Saudi Arabia who would ask questions and soak up everything the husband shared with him into the night; a Russian student who likewise became a Christian, I believe. After evangelizing on the streets last week and encountering the frustratingly countless numbers of Catholics and those who had been exposed to Christianity who had no interest in going deeper in the faith, the thought of our family being "home-bound missionaries" to young college students to whom Christianity is a foreign concept....well, it felt like the Holy Spirit presenting us with a possible opportunity.

Our family may not be able to go to a foreign land as missionaries at this point in our life--but maybe we can bring the 'foreign land' to us and practice the words of Cardinal Emmanuel Célestin Suhard: "To be a witness does not consist in engaging in propaganda, nor even in stirring people up, but in being a living mystery. It means to live in such a way that one's life would not make sense if God did not exist.”

Please pray for us as we discern this opportunity.

Led Like An Ox: The Effeminacy of Carnal Capitulation

The Temptation of St. Anthony (William Strang 1883)
My wife gets annoyed with my somewhat stoic tendencies. I like to go camping not because I especially like camping, but because I appreciate things like a hot shower and a steak dinner even more after doing so. I hate exercise, but I love the feeling of being tired and having earned the right to a good nights sleep after having gone for a long run. Satisfaction is dependent on concordant deprivation.

Stoics, both the ancients and the modern-day, would hold virtue and mastery of the passions as an end in themselves to achieve "a happy life;" that is, a happy life in this world, as they were not interested in the after-life (Augustine accused them of a "stupid pride" in City of God). Dr. Jordan Peterson has taken note of this "vacuum of virtue" in the culture among men, especially, and has gained popularity but putting forth his own "rules for life" based on cultivating universal goods like strength, courage, responsibility, and, to an extent, suffering.

But as Christians, we don't pursue virtue for it's own sake, or to achieve maximum pleasure in this life. Virtue in the Christian life is, according to St. Augustine, "a good habit consonant with our nature." It is from the Latin virtus which means manliness or courage, and is defined as the excellence or perfection of a thing. By extension, virtue is consonant with right reason, and of course, Catholicism is a religion of both faith and reason.

Augustine struggled with the 'short-circuiting' of reason that comes with the sexual act, especially as it pertains to orgasm, but also with the sin of lust--in his personal life, and also theologically--because of lust's disobedience to the will as a kind of moral "intruder."

If virtue is the excellence or perfection of a thing and denotes manliness or courage, vice--the counterpart of virtue--is the absence of perfection. A lack of virtue is a lack of manliness or courage. Vice fills the vacuum when virtue is absent.

The lack of virtue is probably nowhere more evident today than in the rampant vice of effeminacy. St. Thomas includes effeminacy under the vices opposed to perseverance. It is from the Latin mollities, which literally means “softness.” Mollities is the verb used in 1 Corinthians 6:9 which deals with the sexual sin of sodomy. It involves being inordinately passive or receptive. St Thomas in the Summa writes of perseverance and effeminacy as follows:

"Perseverance is deserving of praise because thereby a man does not forsake a good on account of long endurance of difficulties and toils: and it is directly opposed to this, seemingly, for a man to be ready to forsake a good on account of difficulties which he cannot endure. This is what we understand by effeminacy, because a thing is said to be "soft" if it readily yields to the touch" 
Now it is evident that fear of danger is more impelling than the desire of pleasure: wherefore Tully says under the heading "True magnanimity consists of two things: It is inconsistent for one who is not cast down by fear, to be defeated by lust, or who has proved himself unbeaten by toil, to yield to pleasure." Moreover, pleasure itself is a stronger motive of attraction than sorrow, for the lack of pleasure is a motive of withdrawal, since lack of pleasure is a pure privation. Wherefore, according to the Philosopher, properly speaking an effeminate man is one who withdraws from good on account of sorrow caused by lack of pleasure, yielding as it were to a weak motion" (STh, II-II, Q. 138, Art. 1).


When we are led by the passions like a dumb ox--whether it be the attraction to fine food and drink, inordinate lust and sexual proclivities, or some habit that rules us--we make ourselves effeminate men. I didn't quit smoking because it was bad for my health or because it was expensive or made my breath smell. Those were all ancillary reasons, but the main thrust was because being led by something, sneaking around, being idolatrous and willing to sacrifice for something not worth sacrificing for, and having my will compromised introduced a kind of effeminacy into my life that disgusted me. If I didn't have my nicotine I was like a baby without his bottle. You can substitute whatever addiction you like. Maybe it's your cell phone, or your morning coffee, that you might be moved to tears were it to break or not be available. Chances or this is an inordinate attachment, and for men at least, bringing such passions and desires in line is an exercising in building up virtue as part of one's character.

See in Scripture what is written about the young man, who is led by the honey traps set out by the adulterous woman. It is a more or less straight path to Hell by way of the bedroom and promised pleasure, a pleasure that seems irresistible to the youth with no sense.

"For at the window of my house,
through my lattice I looked out
And I saw among the naive,
I observed among the young men,
a youth with no sense,
Crossing the street near the corner,
then walking toward her house,
In the twilight, at dusk of day,
in the very dark of night.
Then the woman comes to meet him,
dressed like a harlot, with secret designs.
She is raucous and unruly, her feet cannot stay at home;
Now she is in the streets, now in the open squares,
lurking in ambush at every corner.
Then she grabs him, kisses him,
and with an impudent look says to him:
“I owed peace offerings, and today I have fulfilled my vows;
So I came out to meet you,
to look for you, and I have found you!
With coverlets I have spread my couch,
with brocaded cloths of Egyptian linen;
I have sprinkled my bed with myrrh,
with aloes, and with cinnamon.
Come, let us drink our fill of love,
until morning, let us feast on love!
For my husband is not at home,
he has gone on a long journey;
A bag of money he took with him,
he will not return home till the full moon.”
She wins him over by repeated urging,
with her smooth lips she leads him astray.
He follows her impulsively, like an ox that goes to slaughter;
Like a stag that bounds toward the net,
till an arrow pierces its liver;
Like a bird that rushes into a snare,
unaware that his life is at stake.
So now, children, listen to me,
be attentive to the words of my mouth!
Do not let your heart turn to her ways,
do not go astray in her paths;
For many are those she has struck down dead,
numerous, those she has slain.
Her house is a highway to Sheol,
leading down into the chambers of death."
(Prov 7:6-27)


I was that young man. I was the fornicator, the masturbator, the viewer of pornography. I know what it's like to be a slave to pleasure and sinful passion, and I am not unique. There is no peace in this prison. But in Christ there is freedom from such slavery--he comes to ransom men by his blood, to unlock the door, but we have to take the steps to follow him out. He takes us by the hand and gives us the grace to resist this sexual and moral effeminacy if we will it.

St. Jacinta of Fatima was shown a vision of Hell by Our Lady and said that “the sins which cause most souls to go to hell are the sins of the flesh.” How many men have been brought down and led to their spiritual deaths by an effeminate pursuit of sexual pleasure--married men falling for the adulterous woman, single men fornicating and masturbating themselves to perdition, those attracted to women and those attracted to men, men in power and men without power, rich men and poor men, men from good families and men who were abused, young men and old men alike.

It is pervasive and pernicious, this vice of effeminacy that keeps men like dumb oxes being led to their graves. But the Lord gives us the grace to live the virtues counter to this softness of will and spirit, but we need to pray for this ultimate grace of final perseverance and the immediate grace to not yield to temptation and embrace the suffering that comes from resisting the devil. We also need to practice mortification by way of prayer and fasting as regular habit to counteract these soft tendencies in ourselves.

It's a funny thing though--the more you subject your body and train your will to bring it into alignment with virtue and right reason, trusting in the Lord to give you what you need for the fight, the more natural it becomes. Virtue is as much a habit as vice. Sin and the habit of sin darkens the intellect so we in fact do become like slaves and dumb oxes being led, and it becomes more comfortable to just stay in that prison of habit. It's easier to pluck out a weed when it first comes up then to try to uproot it when it is fully trenched in to the soil. Chastity of mind and heart precludes even thoughts and fantasies and situations of occasions of sin, so that it is not by sheer grit and self-determination that we keep sin from making a home in us, but by the grace of God to exercise the will even when it hurts and we suffer for it to keep it from making a home in us in the first place.


Wednesday, August 15, 2018

Want To Suffer Shame For The Name? Start By Telling The Truth

Have you ever wondered how many Jane and Joe Catholics are walking around, working, raising families, and wrapped up in the day to day who have no idea what road they might be on? Have you ever thought that maybe, just maybe, the majority of the average Catholics you might encounter on the street have no idea that it is a sin to miss Mass on Sundays, to practice contraception, to get remarried without an annulment (adultery), to have an abortion or live a life of totally ignoring the poor?

There are two Spiritual Works of Mercy that are very hard to practice today, and I see them as going hand in hand: "Instructing the Ignorant" and "Admonishing the Sinner."

Here's the thing: with regard to the former, we all know where this has gotten us. Being ignorant or "in the dark" is sometimes happenstance ("You know, I never thought about that before!") and sometimes it can be willful ("I don't know, and I don't want to know.") A shameful example of men remaining willfully ignorant to abuse in order to acquit themselves of culpability can be seen with regards to Cardinal Wuerl's desire to remain "in the dark" when confronted with instances of abuse:

"[Fr] Zirwas informed the diocese in 1996 that he knew of other Pittsburgh priests’ involvement in illegal sexual activity, the report found, and “demanded that his sustenance payments be increased” in exchange for that information. Wuerl replied with instructions to provide the names of the priests involved or to “state that he had no knowledge of what he had previously claimed” to get any additional assistance. The priest then disavowed any knowledge of priests being involved in illegal sexual activity in a letter to the diocese. “Zirwas was granted an additional financial stipend and his sustenance payments were continued,” report said.

But sometimes, people of general good will, due to faulty or insufficient catechesis, can really be effectively ignorant of the teachings of their religion. If a Catholic couple is fornicating or living together before marriage, they might just think this is normal in today's culture and be going along with their lives with a skip and a smile. One might be afraid of turning them off altogether, or shutting down and hating you. But when opportunity presents itself to speak the truth in love (Eph 4:15), you are presented with an opportunity to save your brother or sister.

We know that the divine law is written onto the hearts of men, even for pagans and unbelievers. We know conscience is an endowed gift of God:

"For when Gentiles who do not have the Law do instinctively the things of the Law, these, not having the Law, are a law to themselves, in that they show the work of the Law written in their hearts, their conscience bearing witness and their thoughts alternately accusing or else defending them" (Rom 2:14-15)

How, then, does this work, practically speaking--this instructing and admonishing? Well, I have always been bad at it, because, well, I'm not that different from most people in that I like to be liked and have thin skin, generally. But God is working on me, and I'm giving less figs about that these days, so I'm more inclined when presented with the opportunity to bring attention to these things.

First: get your own house in order. No one likes a hypocrite, and no one likes to be judged. Truth be told, we should not be judging people at all, but that does not mean we cannot judge actions as objectively right or wrong. Live a life of integrity yourself before admonishing others to do the same.

Second: When delivering hard truths that have the potential to knock someone off their rocker of ignorance, have some humility, and remember that you were there once too. Expunge all sense of self-righteousness, because people can smell this a mile away. Make it clear by your thoughts, words, and actions, that you care for the person you are speaking to, and you speak out of love.

Third: pray for grace and for the Holy Spirit to give you the words and speak for you. Do not rely on your own power. You are not a heart or mind reader like Padre Pio, so don't try to act like one. If God tells you by the Holy Spirit in prayer that now is not the time to speak, now is not the time to speak. If he tells you to speak the truth in love, speak the truth in love. Do whatever He tells you.

Fourth: always with a smile. I don't know if this is kosher or not, it's even counter intuitive, but I think it can be disarming and helpful to smile, intentional and genuinely, when admonishing. The message is important. HOW you deliver the message may be even more so. Not all of us can pull off being a John the Baptist. But we can deliver his message to repent in concrete ways without being sour-pusses. Our faith is motivated by the JOY of being saved from sin and death, and we need to communicate that concretely when dishing up hard truths if we want a greater likelihood of the medicine going down.

Fifth: suffer derision for their sake. They may curse you or strike you even, ignore you or cut ties. They may mock you or accuse you. Take it upon yourself to pray and do reparations that they may have eyes to see, and experience a new heart, a changed heart, a born-again heart. Christ took on suffering and derision for the sake of blind and ungrateful men, and so if we want to follow him we may be wise to get used to this feeling of being rejected and our love thwarted. That's ok. God does His part, you do your part, and the rest is out of your hands.

The image that comes to mind of standing in the midst of such derision and shame is of the Woolworth's sit-in during the Civil Rights movement. Blacks exercising civil disobedience had sugar, ketchup, and mustard poured on their heads when they refused to move. They knew what was right, were willing to take the hits for it, and refused to be moved or intimidated.

You don't have to go looking for suffering. Speak the Gospel truth to those who are resistant to it and it will find you. Stand for the truth when it hurts and you will experience it. Love anyone, and you will suffer for it; it is only a matter of time. But who knows--if you speak out and accept the consequences, they may hate you and simulatenously wake from their fatal slumber at the same time. You will have popped their balloon of ignorance, and they will no longer in good conscience be able to fly it into the careless clouds. You will start them on a hard road, perhaps, and they will hate you for it, at least initially.

And you, my friend--don't you scorn this shame, but relish it, as the apostles did when "they left the Sanhedrin, rejoicing because they had been counted worthy of suffering disgrace for the Name" (Acts 5:41). You know you are doing something right, earning your keep and on the narrow road, when you are covered in the mess the world pours on your head in its hatred of you. No matter. For then you will attest, with St. Dominic Savio, "If I can succeed in saving only a single soul, I can be sure that my own will be saved."