Our Death Penalty

I have been permanently trying to kick my addition to nicotine for over two decades. I know it says in scripture that a just man falls seven times and rises again, and that is true, but it is also indicative of the kind of stronghold such pernicious habits can have on us. Matthew Perry, the Friends actor who died recently, spent over $9 million dollars on his recovery and was in and out of rehab fifteen times. That is a testament both to a relentless desire to be free and an indication of just how deep the claws of addition can sink into one's spirit. 

Nicotine addiction is relatively innocuous in the grand scheme of things. It isn't psychedelically compromising and doesn't typically lead to succumbing to a life of breaking-and-entering. I know guys who use smokeless nicotine to hone their concentration and give them a little carrot during their workday. Some are able to keep it at 3mg a few times a day; I was never able to regulate with that kind of self-control. I was regularly ingesting over 100mg/day however I could get it in my system. 

I always hated the effeminacy of this chain of addiction, like a baby who can't live without his paci to soothe him. I also took to heart over the years the words of St. John of the Cross who related our attachments to a string--even the thinnest of threads--that keeps a bird from flight. I knew when SHTF during the end times, I did not want to be chained via detachment, because as Fr. Ripperger notes, it is our attachments during the Chastisement that will brutalize us when everything is taken away from us. 

It's always an interesting interplay between the work of grace and the effort of the will when it comes to these attachments to the world, the flesh, and the devil. St. Augustine countered the Pelagians, who downplayed the role of grace, on this very topic in the 4th century. I knew I wanted to be free of this habit and chemical dependency, but I didn't know how; I had fallen so many times--even when I had gotten free of it for upwards of a year--and always fell back into it one way or another. So, my will was resolved, but I needed grace to make it stick. Thanks be to God, I was able to go cold turkey two months ago off the drug and haven't been back to it since. It was brutal, not something I want to repeat, ever. Each day I have to not smoke, not dip, not chew--that is the will at work. But it was grace that saved me. Unfortunately, our memory of our slavery often fades the farther out from the fleshpots we find ourselves. Which is why we pray for our daily, not our weekly or yearly, bread.

I cite the chain of addiction during this holiest of holy weeks to highlight the fundamentals of our Christian faith during this season: our death sentence due to the Fall, our irreconcilable separation from God due to that disobedience;  the necessity of Christ's death on the Cross as atonement for our sin; his ransoming and redeeming of our fallen nature. 

It's hard to really comprehend that for those years from the Fall to the Resurrection, our ancestors were in a great darkness. There was no light, for the light had not yet come into the world. There was hope, but it was just that--hope that the Mashiach would return to bridge that divide and redeem Israel. It was a true slavery to the virus of sin which had not yet received it's antidote. 

If you know what it feels like to be enslaved--whether that is to a substance, a behavior or habit, or even literally as a human being--you know that your being saved comes from outside the self, for you literally cannot free yourself from your bondage--whether because of the strength of your captives or the weakness of your own nature. It is easy to lose hope, and to give in to the overdoses because, well, you will never be free, the Devil whispers to you. There are stoics among us, and the human spirit has an incredible capacity for perseverance, but even the most resolute of will have their natural and supernatural limitations.

Christ was not bound by such limitations, nor by the bonds of death. He subjected himself to the bounds of human flesh, humiliation and subjugation, but it was by Christ and only Christ alone who could be our "Superman," our savior, on whose divine integrity and human will the fate of all humanity depended. We were dead in our sin, with no hope--NO HOPE--of being reconciled back to the Father apart from Christ. That kind of debt, that Christ paid with his blood, can never be repaid. All you can do is marvel, shudder, and weep at the gift of a new lease on life that has been given you. 

Easter is the triumph of the cross, but it can only be arrived at via Golgotha. When you know the depths of your depravity, and the tenuous thin line that keeps you from the worm that never dies, you learn to lean on the strongman who conquered death by death, rather than your own strength. That is faith, prayer, trust in the God who does the impossible, who stooped so low to enter into our dark prison and take our place to free us, who paid our ransom with the highest cost of his life. We had no hope apart from him, for there is no other name under which we are saved. Christ came into the world, and we know how the story ends. That is the substance of our faith, one we have to go back to again and again to tell the wonderful story of our redemption.

But that story is not over. We are always walking that tenuous path, dodging thistles and arrows and traps to derail us from the narrow path. We have to keep our blinders on to see the Cross, always, or we are completely lost in the dark. We have been set free, but it is US who often wander back to our prison cells out of curiosity or longing. The horror of the door clicking locked behind us can lead a man to despair...but it is the WILL which we must exercise to continue to say YES to God, and NO to sin. Sin is slavery and death. The law of God is light and life, and a life that God desires us to have in abundance. 

This Holy Week, remember your death, your slavery, and the ransom paid for you to have life. Do not forget, but constantly recall the slavery you were saved from and which constantly calls you back to itself. Your Easter will be that much sweeter for it when you remember the dankness of the cell that held you. 

A Just Man Fall and Riseth Again

 

I'm not usually one to follow celebrity news, but I heard about Matthew Perry (from the hit sitcom Friends)'s death recently and have been thinking about it the past couple days. The actor was introduced to the painkiller Vicodin after an injury and, like many people, discovered it made him feel good. What ensued from that initial exposure was a lifetime battle with addiction. 

And it was a battle. Perry did fifteen stints in rehab (costing him over $9 million dollars trying to get clean), had fourteen surgeries due to the effects of alcohol and drug abuse, and relapsed more than sixty times. That last part was the one that stuck with me. He wanted to get sober. He wanted to break this vicious cycle. He did everything in his power to do so. He knew he needed help, and sought it out. Every time he relapsed, he got back up and on the horse. Though the autopsy is still undergoing, I wouldn't be surprised if this was simply a battle he didn't win.

For anyone without experience with addiction, it's hard to overestimate it's power. There are a lot of factors at play as well--there is genetic susceptibility (in the case of alcoholism), the incredible power of habit, the chemical dependency component, behavioral reinforcement, and yes, spiritual forces at work. As anyone who has experienced it, addiction is akin to enslavement. There is nothing like those initial highs, but when they wear off and are taken up again and again, feeding the beast over time becomes less about seeking out pleasure and more about avoiding the pain of withdrawal. Even when you want to get off the train at your hometown stop, the train of addiction speeds right by it and locks the doors. At some point, you can't get off even if you want to. 

There are a lot of spiritual parallels here we would be wise to pay attention to. The Devil is the nefarious "pusher," and will supply you with an array of products to suit your pallet and accomplish his purposes, which is to make you a slave. He can use innocuous means (like your smartphone) to lure you away from the good of say, regular prayer. He can disguise things and dress them up to appear as something they are not (like justifying gossip or sloth or wealth or notoriety). He sometimes sends bad influences into our life to influence us (bad company corrupts good morals). He can slip images and clips that tantalize our senses into our purview to try to corrupt our sexual integrity (racy pictures or soft-porn). His intelligence and knowledge of our weaknesses is supreme. 

But the Devil, like addiction, is also boring. He may be smart, but he is also unoriginal. Something Matthew Perry said in an interview about his daily life as an addict stuck with me, "When you're a drug addict, it's all math." You calculate how many pills you need to keep you from "the sickness" in this scenario; how many you need to last you to the end of the week; how many you need to score to last you to this event, and how much money you need to acquire it. For most people, math is boring!

Sometimes, too, you miscalculate. This picture is 2mg of fentanyl next to a penny. 2mg of fentanyl will kill you; it's that potent. That's pretty scary.

The thing is, fentanyl is usually laced and cut into a lot of drugs, and you might not even know it's there. It's both addicting and potentially lethal. 

The Devil, too, will 'cut' our supply and lace good spiritual impulses with impurities. He will slip in lies among the truth like tares among wheat, heresy among orthodoxy, pride in the wake of piety. Sobriety for alcoholics and addicts doesn't work on a sliding scale-- it demands total abstinence. As St. Paul writes, "But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people" (Eph 5:3). 

In his letter to the Galatians, Paul works his exhortation about the need for vigilance against false teaching ("a little yeast works through the whole batch of dough") in the context of freedom and slavery at the beginning of the 5th chapter of his epistle. Freedom, truth, and holy abstinence depend upon one another in order to work, for "all sin is slavery" (Jn 8:34). Christ set us free from the yoke of bondage so that we might have life and life abundant (Jn 10:10). "For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another" (Gal 5:13). 

When you are a slave, you are no longer the in control of your own destiny; another owns you life, tells you where to go and what to do. This is the nature of addiction, the character of slavery. And the Devil is an exacting slave master that does not easily let his people go. 

There is a misconception about the rite of exorcism, that is a 'one and done' thing. As any exorcist will tell you, when demons have a foothold in someone, they do not always go easily. Oftentimes they require multiple sessions of deliverance, week after week (sometimes for years) and needs to be seen through to the end lest one clean the house and find it overtaken and in even a worse state than before (Mt 12:43-45). 

What struck me about Perry's situation was that he kept getting up after his falls. He wanted to live and didn't stop fighting for his life. He went to tens of thousands of AA meetings. He sought help, and even as a non-believer cried out to God for it.  He also wanted to help others, opening up his own rehab for addicts after he had gotten clean for a period of time. Addiction is powerful and heartbreaking. 

In the ER, my wife encounters patient after patient who struggles with alcoholism addiction, suffering under the yoke of their slavery. She carries with her prayer cards of  Ven Matt Talbot (who beat his alcoholism with the help of grace) and St. Mark Ji Tianxiang (who never kicked his opium addiction, but was nonetheless canonized as a martyr during the Boxer revolution in China) to give to these suffering patients at the hospital as a spiritual lifeline in the black ocean of addiction and prays for them. People in NA and AA know the equation for sobriety does not work apart from God. It necessitates the exercise of the will (which has been compromised, but not snuffed out completely), and a daily commitment not to drink or use (which entails suffering). But the stronghold of addiction is so forceful, those who ultimately get clean know they cannot do it under their own power alone. 

And so it is with sin. We must be vigilant and watchful, because the Devil prowls like a roaring lion seeking those whom he may devour (1 Pt 5:8). Sin is the snare, fentanyl the lethal hook, and damnation the end game.  We cannot outsmart the Devil. We cannot out-fast him. We cannot trick or out run him. Our only hope to escape the yoke of slavery is complete surrender to God in the safehouse of Divine grace. Christ is our ransomer who hears our cries from the depths of the drug den and rescues us from the miry pit of destruction and despair (Ps 40:2). When we are delivered, we are instructed never to go back there, never to flirt with that which enslaved us in the first place, for our own good lest we encounter demons seven times stronger than the first. When we confess our sins in the Sacrament of Confession, we must remember the resolution to firm amendment of life, for this is our commitment to heed Christ's warning. 

Do not flirt with sin, for it is a matter of life and death. Attune your nose to the sulfuric odor of heterodoxy lest you be corrupted. Keep your inner circle uncorrupted, and your mind pure. You are weak by nature, made susceptible to falls by concupiscence. It is the mark of a future saint to persevere with fortitude in the face of his weakness. "For a just man fall seven times and riseth up again" (Prov 24:16). Just don't let your most recent fall be your last.

Grateful Addicts and the Felix Culpa

 

New Years Day has been a sober affair for me the past few years. Since my wife usually works overnights on New Years Eve, I'm in with the kids--we drink fizzy soda, have a little dance party, and do a YouTube countdown to midnight. Because I'm not drinking or smoking typically, I wake up grateful the whole affair is over and feeling rather good. I was up at 6:30am this morning, did fifteen minutes on the elliptical, took a cold shower, had a protein shake and coffee, and listened to a podcast on the neuroscience of addiction.

The period between Christmas and New Years is a consistently a hard period for me mentally, and I have on more than one occasion been tempted to pause "just saying no" to indulge in my addiction. I have so far resisted, but it keeps knocking on the door daily like a Jehovah's Witness that can't take a hint. 

Recovery is the epitome of the synthesis of grace and work. God saves us, pulls us from the miry pit and places us on a rock--but he expects us to do the work (aided by grace) of enduring suffering, and exercising our free will, in order to not hop off, to stay rooted in sobriety. Sometimes it is minute by minute or hour by hour, just to keep saying "no" to sin and slavery, and "yes" to life and freedom. 

There is an expression sometimes used in twelve steps of being a "grateful addict." It's a curious phrase, isn't it, to attribute gratefulness to something that may have robbed you of everything you have, stolen everything from you that you love.

But think about the Easter proclamation of the Felix Culpa (O Happy Fault), and it may have a theological context:

O love, O charity beyond all telling,

to ransom a slave you gave away your Son!

O truly necessary sin of Adam,

destroyed completely by the Death of Christ!

O happy fault

that earned so great, so glorious a Redeemer!

We often pine and lament our lot here on earth, that we had it so good in the garden and that Adam and Even had to go screw it up. God, in His goodness, did not desire us to sin and be subjected to the punishment due to disobedience--but his also omnipotence, He knew we would fall. Christ existed before time, and so, in fact, the Fall was 'factored in' to the divine economy, and Christ's incarnation a necessary part of making the wrong right again (something we could not do on our own). 

St. Ambrose had a series of meditations on this mystery of how even sin can be used and redeemed by God: “My fault has become for me the price of redemption, through which Christ came to me. For me Christ tasted death. Transgression is more profitable than innocence. Innocence had made me arrogant, transgression made me humble” (De Iacob et vita beata, I, 21)

There is also what Dostoevsky wrote in Notes From the Underground that I think is a worthy meditation on this topic,

“Shower upon him every earthly blessing, drown him in bliss so that nothing but bubbles would dance on the surface of his bliss, as on a sea...and even then every man, out of sheer ingratitude, sheer libel, would play you some loathsome trick. He would even risk his cakes and would deliberately desire the most fatal rubbish, the most uneconomical absurdity, simply to introduce into all this positive rationality his fatal fantastic element...simply in order to prove to himself that men still are men and not piano keys.”

We can never go back to the Garden, as much as we may desire to; it simply is not our lot. Daily we toil for our bread, we experience death, and concupiscence is our constant companion. Life is work, struggle, and loss. We think, "if only I would have married this person instead of that person," or "my life would have been perfect if I never would have touched x substance." And yet, there is beauty in the contrast, and meaning in our suffering and trial. Look at what St. Paul writes in his letter to the Romans: 

"The law was brought in so that the trespass might increase. But where sin increased, grace increased all the more, so that, just as sin reigned in death, so also grace might reign through righteousness to bring eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord." (Rom 5:20-21)

Sometimes, God uses our brokenness and falls for His glory and our redemption. Were we left to be eating spiritual cakes all day, shielded like princes from the horror of death and suffering, we would grow plump with spiritual comfort and prideful at our mastery. 

For what does David say? "For you, God, tested us; you refined us like silver. You brought us into prison and laid burdens on our backs. You let people ride over our heads; we went through fire and water, but you brought us to a place of abundance" (Ps 66:10-12). 

And Isaias: "Behold, I have refined you, but not as silver; I have tried you in the furnace of affliction" (Is 48:10).

And St. Peter: "And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you" (1 Pt 5:10).

Grateful sinners, like grateful addicts, recognize that our bottoming out in life can be redemptive to the degree that we look up and see the hand of Christ stretching down to take hold of us. A Christ whose supreme beauty we would never have laid eyes on were it not for sin. O happy fault, that earned so great, so glorious a Redeemer. 

Anatomy Of A Temptation

The other night I found myself at a Celebrate Recovery (CR) meeting. A friend had advertised it, and for whatever reason that night when I saw it I said, "you know, I really need a meeting tonight."

I had only been to one or two CR meetings before. For those not familiar with it, it's a Christian (12) step program, whereas AA and NA are more secular in nature; it is also a bit broader in scope than AA/NA. So, someone struggling with co-dependency, or rage for example could attend these meetings.

Even after six months of abstinence from my drug of choice,  every time I drive by my local bodega on the way home, I have to make a conscious choice not to pull over the car and drop a twenty on the counter. Some days are easier than others, and some days are harder. As long as I keep saying, "no," I'm okay. 

The funny thing is, my life is infinitely better and more manageable clean and sober from this drug than on it. I have less anxiety overall, more control of my emotions, am healthier physically, financially better off, and have higher self-esteem. Given all of that, you would think I would never have the desire to return to what would make me less free, more anxious, less financially secure, more sick, and think less of myself. I mean, rationally speaking, wouldn't you think so?

And yet, that's not the case. I still have the desire to go back to the mud where I used to sit with the swine in bondage.

Addiction and sin are like two cousins; You can have somewhat innocuous addictions like your phone or caffeine...or you could be addicted to meth, alcohol, or Oxy. You might not consider your morning cup of tea or four hours a day of scrolling sinful, whereas someone providing sexual services for a hit of base is another story. The anatomy and DNA of these two cousins is very similar, and they can operate in similar slippery ways.

 What prompts me to long for the fleshpots, is three-fold:

-We operate under faulty intelligence

-We minimize the threat

-We overestimate our own strength

Being fed false intelligence is one way in war to be thrown off by your enemy and a way for them to gain a tactical advantage. In terms of the longing for that which we have escaped from, it romanticizes the past, just as the Israelites did with their fleshpots in Egypt while glossing over the brutal realities of the situation which was endured. Part of it is the "devil you know" phenomenon as well--we'll often take comfort in an undesirable known than an uncomfortable unknown, even when the unknown is better for us. 

And yet, the uncomfortable unknown is usually the currency God pays the disciple in. He doesn't always give us a read into the future, or what our next steps are beyond what we need to know, though he may provide some signal graces to coax us forward. Idolatry becomes a temptation when we are paralyzed by this fear of the unknown and long to control our destiny ourselves. The Jews took empty comfort in dead statues made of wood and gold that could not save, even when the Living God, the God of the Universe, had adopted them as His own. But it was because they thought it promised something it did not, and could not. They were operating under faulty intelligence. 

Every time a nice day weather wise come about, I think "ah, wouldn't it be nice to sit out and have a smoke today?" And then the thought comes that even though I would be trading in all those positive life changes I have gained for a two minute stick of pleasure, I would be willing to do it because "I deserve it," or "it's okay" when I know better. Which brings me to the next point.

We also minimize the threat of that which had enslaved us. I often think "I can just have one" or "I can start clean tomorrow," knowing full well I can do this with other substances, but not this one in particular based on experience. No one has a gun to my head forcing me to buy a tin of dip or carton of cigarettes; those decisions comes from an active exercise of the will. But once we have stepped into that circle, our locus of control starts to erode pretty quickly. We start excusing ourselves and rationalizing our risky behaviors yet again. 

When it comes to sexual integrity, St. Paul says there should not be even a hint of sexual immorality among you (Eph 5:3). It needs to be a zero-tolerance policy. Why? Part of it is practical--it is so much harder to overcome sexual sin when you keep reintroducing it in your life in little ways. It is better to cut out the root from the ground then keep lobbing off shoots with clippers each Spring. 

When it comes to wandering into the rabid dog's circle of influence, we also tend to overestimate our own strength not to get bit. As it says in scripture, "Lean not on your own understanding" but trust in the Lord with all your heart (Prov 3:5). A man operating under his own strength and sense of direction in the moral life is doomed. But "In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths" (Prov 3:6). Again, in the context of sexual temptation, we are not to hold firm, but FLEE (1 Cor 6:18). Fleeing makes you look like a coward in the worldly sense, but this is your only hope with regards to this sin. 

One thing we really need to admit is that sin can only make itself attractive (in order to induce desire) by way of falsehood and deception. That may be through the faculty of memory in the mind (or the body), through lies and suggestion, or by "honey-traps" planted by the Enemy. We must be on guard against all of these tactics, and know our adversary, who prowls about like a roaring lion seeking to devour us (1 Pt 5:8). We must pray for the grace of wisdom to see past these deceptions. 

One interesting thing about St. Augustine and why he struggled with the nature of sexual temptation was because the desire (which is good) is not subject to reason. That is, our carnal appetite, even expressed bodily (involuntary erections, arousal, etc) has a way of being so powerful by nature that it can short-circuit our rational faculties and supersede them. Addiction can be powerful like this in way as well, sin that makes us "do that which we do not really want to do" (Rom 7:15) Who can understand this mystery? Why do we do that which we do not really want to do (when we admit the law is good)? Concupiscence, the nature of the Fall, our human weakness, God's grace, and the intersection of our will with His, is not easy to sort out. 

Better than my analysis on the anatomy of temptation, though, is to read and meditate on the Letter of St. James yourself. It's only four chapters, but is a dense manual for how sin deceives, how it is repopulated, and what it brings into the world. Here is a teaser, but read the whole letter yourself. Consider yourself forewarned that the Devil never sleeps, and will not spare any person, place, or thing to take you down and steal your soul. Have no fear, though...Christ your Savior has overcome the world, and will be your advocate to stand firm to the end!

"Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him" (Ja 1:12)

"Let no one say when he is tempted, 'I am being tempted by God,' for God cannot be tempted with evil, and he himself tempts no one." (Ja 1:13)

"But each man is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire" (Ja 1:14)

"Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death" (Ja 1:15)

There Is No Fear In Love

As I approach the three month mark of being off the dogchain that is nicotine dependency, I feel like I am finally out of survival mode and am in a frame of mind in which I can reflect on the savage business of addiction with a bit more detachment.  And it is indeed a savage business, whatever goods you trade in.

You know you've reached a state of dependency with these things-- whether it be food, sex, alcohol, drugs, or simply dopamine--when you have moved from using them as a source of pleasure to using them as a way to mitigate the pain that comes with their absence. For addicts, this pain of periodic withdrawal from something your body has become dependent on is known as "dope sickness," and it can be very unpleasant, both physically and psychologically.

Nowhere is this psycho-spiritual portrait of enslavement so well captured as in St. Paul's seventh chapter in his epistle to the Romans.  

 "For we know that the law is spiritual; but I am carnal, sold under sin. For that which I work, I understand not. For I do not that good which I will; but the evil which I hate, that I do. If then I do that which I will not, I consent to the law, that it is good.

Now then it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me. For I know that there dwelleth not in me, that is to say, in my flesh, that which is good. For to will, is present with me; but to accomplish that which is good, I find not.

For the good which I will, I do not; but the evil which I will not, that I do.

Now if I do that which I will not, it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me.

I find then a law, that when I have a will to do good, evil is present with me.

For I am delighted with the law of God, according to the inward man: But I see another law in my members, fighting against the law of my mind, and captivating me in the law of sin, that is in my members.

Unhappy man that I am, who shall deliver me from the body of this death?" (Rom 7:14-24)

Amazing insight into the wretched state of man sold in sin. He knows what is good, but cannot carry it out. Something in him is working against the spirit. The law of concupicence so often overpowers the moral law of God, even when the will of man recognizes that the law of God is good. And not only trips up, but captivates man in the law of sin in his members. 

St. James paints a portrait of the birth of sin in the spirit of man as a kind of embryotic seed of death. "Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death" (Ja 1:15).

What does this mean, "desire has conceived, and gives birth to sin?" If we look back at Genesis 3, we see an allusion to this pregnancy of desire:

"When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it. Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves." (Gen 3:6-7).

In this case, the birth of knowledge comes from an illegitimate union; ie, the result of disobedience (sin). St. Paul again most likely has this in mind in his exhortation, when he says,

"But I do not know sin, but by the law; for I had not known concupiscence, if the law did not say: Thou shalt not covet.

But sin taking occasion by the commandment, wrought in me all manner of concupiscence. For without the law sin was dead.

And I lived some time without the law. But when the commandment came, sin revived,

And I died. And the commandment that was ordained to life, the same was found to be unto death to me.

For sin, taking occasion by the commandment, seduced me, and by it killed me.

Wherefore the law indeed is holy, and the commandment holy, and just, and good". (Rom 7:7-12)

But with whom was desire joined in coitus? Curiosity? Pride? This may be debated by exegetes, and is beyond this scope. But one thing I want to point out as well, is that when desire conceived and gave birth to sin, there was a conjoined twin that traveled through the canal, expelled into the world not unlike Jacob grabbing onto the heel of Esau. The name Jacob means "he grasps the heel" which is a Hebrew idiom for deceptive behavior. And that twin was fear. 

"Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the Lord God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the Lord God among the trees of the garden. But the Lord God called to the man, “Where are you?”

He answered, “I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid.” (Gen 3:8-10)

_________

If sin, born of desire, is indeed slavery, I want to make the case that slavery's modus operandi is fear. Sin and fear are like twin henchmen, a tag-team pair of boondock saints bent on destruction of the race by way of doubt, deception, and death. The skids are greased with fear first, at which point sin slides itself into the host to inject its legion seed. 

If man can be convinced that God is to be feared, and not to be trusted, he is more amenable to counterfeit agape.  The kind of "love" that promises and does not deliver, which withholds parts of the truth and conjoins it with lies, and creates an abusive co-dependency in which the host becomes convinced he cannot live without the source of his abuse.  

_________

As I mentioned above, addiction operates very much like this abusive co-dependent relationship between man and his deepest fear. A worldly addiction to substances mimics the spiritual slavery of sin.

For those addicted to alcohol or drugs, they cannot imagine life without the bottle or the needle and have been gaslit to believe that the solution to their problems is the bottle or the needle, when in fact it is the cause. 

Beyond that even deeper is the fear that they will, in fact, die without it. Maybe not literally, but in their consciousness, and not unlike an inversion of the lie of the serpent in the garden, who said "You will not certainly die." (Gen 3:4). Instead, he convinces the enslaved "You will certainly die" without X. His mind has been taken over, held hostage by the biggest stick in the slavemaster's toolshed: fear.  

 

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I came across three passages--two secular, and one spiritual--that I think illustrates well the psychological and spiritual power of fear and its usefulness in the realm of enslavement. But they also illustrate that this stronghold, as real as it can feel, is largely illusory. It's power of manipulation is strenghtened by obscurification of the truth; that is, if the guard can convince the prisoner he will never be able to escape convincingly enough, it doesn't matter that the cell door is actually unlocked. In other words, fear lives and feeds off lies. 

The first describes the slavery of human trafficking and how it is psychological perpeted: 

"Human trafficking, slavery, is not just about controlling someone’s body, their time, or their sexual behavior. Modern forms of slavery require that a human being can be put into a situation where their life depends on submitting to the domination of another person. In order to submit to violence and threat, the human mind must do a lot of mental gymnastics in order to convince itself that it is not under threat and therefore that it should not revolt. 

One horrendous consequence of mind control, as you can imagine, is that survivors, once out of slavery, start to think and feel like they are “losing their mind.” What are my thoughts and beliefs? Do I really like that? Wait, but everything I knew about the world is totally wrong. But it was all I knew. How do I trust anything else?

Slavery requires that people lose trust in themselves. If they can’t trust their own mind, their own capacities to defend themselves, to care for themselves, or to be autonomous people; they will sink into roles of dependency and, worse yet, feel helpless and hopeless. It requires that people lose their sense of identity. Slavery requires that people believe they are slaves, rather than treated as if they are slaves. Thus, as we continue to fight slavery, we need to ask: what leads people to believe they are slaves? No one comes to that belief on their own." [1]

The second is a passage I came across when I was writing my article, Christian Men, Take the Beating, which I felt the author of the essay talking about civil disobedience during the Civil Rights Movement described well, and which Christians could learn from:

"They made black people experience the worst of the worst, collectively, that white people could dish out, and discover that it wasn't that bad. They taught black people how to take a beating — from the southern cops, from police dogs, from fire department hoses.  They actually coached young people how to crouch, cover their heads with their arms and take the beating.  They taught people how to go to jail, which terrified most decent people.  

And you know what? The worst of the worst wasn't that bad.  Once people had been beaten, had dogs sicced on them, had fire hoses sprayed on them, and been thrown in jail, you know what happened?

These magnificent young black people began singing freedom songs in jail.  That, my friends, is what ended the terrorism of the south.  Confronting your worst fears, living through it, and breaking out in a deep-throated freedom song.  The jailers knew they had lost when they beat these young Negroes and the jailed, beaten young people began to sing joyously, first in one town then in another.  This is what the writer, James Baldwin, captured like no other writer of the era.  

Please let this sink in.  It wasn't marches or speeches. It was taking a severe beating, surviving and realizing that our fears were mostly illusory and that we were free." [2]

The third is from Book VIII of Augustine's Confessions, in which he describes his attempts to detox from the flesh, the allure of Lady Continenance, and the snagging of the trifles which kept him bound like a dog to the world:

"Thus was I sick and tormented, accusing myself far more severely than was my wont, tossing and turning me in my chain till that was utterly broken, whereby I now was but slightly, but still was held. And You, O Lord, pressed upon me in my inward parts by a severe mercy, redoubling the lashes of fear and shame, lest I should again give way, and that same slender remaining tie not being broken off, it should recover strength, and enchain me the faster. For I said mentally, Lo, let it be done now, let it be done now. And as I spoke, I all but came to a resolve. I all but did it, yet I did it not. Yet fell I not back to my old condition, but took up my position hard by, and drew breath. And I tried again, and wanted but very little of reaching it, and somewhat less, and then all but touched and grasped it; and yet came not at it, nor touched, nor grasped it, hesitating to die unto death, and to live unto life; and the worse, whereto I had been habituated, prevailed more with me than the better, which I had not tried. And the very moment in which I was to become another man, the nearer it approached me, the greater horror did it strike into me; but it did not strike me back, nor turn me aside, but kept me in suspense.

The very toys of toys, and vanities of vanities, my old mistresses, still enthralled me; they shook my fleshly garment, and whispered softly, Do you part with us? And from that moment shall we no more be with you for ever? And from that moment shall not this or that be lawful for you for ever? And what did they suggest to me in the words this or that? What is it that they suggested, O my God? Let Your mercy avert it from the soul of Your servant. What impurities did they suggest! What shame! And now I far less than half heard them, not openly showing themselves and contradicting me, but muttering, as it were, behind my back, and furtively plucking me as I was departing, to make me look back upon them. Yet they did delay me, so that I hesitated to burst and shake myself free from them, and to leap over whither I was called — an unruly habit saying to me, Do you think you can live without them?"

But now it said this very faintly; for on that side towards which I had set my face, and whither I trembled to go, did the chaste dignity of Continence appear unto me, cheerful, but not dissolutely gay, honestly alluring me to come and doubt nothing, and extending her holy hands, full of a multiplicity of good examples, to receive and embrace me. There were there so many young men and maidens, a multitude of youth and every age, grave widows and ancient virgins, and Continence herself in all, not barren, but a fruitful mother of children of joys, by You, O Lord, her Husband. And she smiled on me with an encouraging mockery, as if to say, Can you not do what these youths and maidens can? Or can one or other do it of themselves, and not rather in the Lord their God? The Lord their God gave me unto them. Why do you stand in your own strength, and so standest not? Cast yourself upon Him; fear not, He will not withdraw that you should fall; cast yourself upon Him without fear, He will receive you, and heal you. And I blushed beyond measure, for I still heard the muttering of those toys, and hung in suspense. And she again seemed to say, Shut up your ears against those unclean members of yours upon the earth, that they may be mortified. Colossians 3:5 They tell you of delights, but not as does the law of the Lord your God. This controversy in my heart was naught but self against self. But Alypius, sitting close by my side, awaited in silence the result of my unwonted emotion." (Confessions, Book VIII, Ch 11; 25-27)

The words "fear not" appear 365 times in the bible. Why so much? Maybe because fear, the cousin of sin and its henchman, is a tool of Satan himself. God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, and love, and soberness of mind (2 Tim 1:7). Our Lord knows our desire is ultimately for Him but that we settle for cheap counterfeits presented by the Devil, trifles which will not love us back and will attempt to enslave our will so that we cannot direct it to God. "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear" as St. John says. (1 Jn 4:18).

Sin is slavery, and addiction to the flesh abets this crime. Who will save us from this body of death? Thanks be to God, through Jesus Christ our Lord! We were made for freedom, not deception, dependance and slavery. In Christ we are already free, for "If the son makes you free, you are free indeed" (Jn 8:36). 

The door has already been unlocked; all you need to do now, is leave your cell. 

Fifty Shades Of Rage

 As an occasional consumer of online pornography in my twenties, I still remember the emotional/mental patterns and behavior that accompanied it.

First, the external use of pornography as a dopamine gorge was usually triggered by an inverse internal discontent—ie, you were stressed, bored, lonely, etc. That feeling is undesirable, so you are looking to counteract it with something else, a few byte-sized portions of virtual alternative.

Next you pull up a chair and sit down with the online menu in front of you and discern what fancies your palate that evening. The anticipation itself injects an excitement into your otherwise lackluster existence in that moment. Part of the excitement comes from the fact that you’re engaging in something you know is not very good for you. Hunger is the sweetest sauce, as they say. It’s titillating, and the fact that it’s wrong is just extra icing on the creme puff.

There’s an unspoken understanding as well between you, the consumer, and the unfaced supplier: you are looking for the eternal, while settling for the temporal. That’s okay—it’s written into the virtual contract. Each time you think to yourself, “maybe I’ll get more than I bargained for this time.” But each time you return to your own room, your own bed, your own self. You left for a bit…but you’re still here. 

And so you return tomorrow, or next week, to the buffet once more (just once more!), hungry again, excited again, hopeful again, disappointed again…hungry again. And so on and so forth.

So, the funny thing is that having broken out of this cycle by God’s grace twelve years ago and never having returned, I see there are a bunch of cousins of sexual pornography still hanging around. They are a bit more dressed up, with a higher perceived degree of righteous moral standing, a little younger. But they still behave in the same manner—they still peddle in dopamine hits, still capitalize on our inner strife and malcontent, still promise things without delivering, still leave us feeling a little bit…hungry.

Louis CK had this brilliant diatribe on Conan I saw a few years ago that I think just captures the essence of what I’m talking about here:

“I think these things are toxic, especially for kids...they don't look at people when they talk to them and they don't build empathy. You know, kids are mean, and it's 'cause they're trying it out. They look at a kid and they go, 'you're fat,' and then they see the kid's face scrunch up and they go, 'oh, that doesn't feel good to make a person do that.' But they got to start with doing the mean thing. But when they write 'you're fat,' then they just go, 'mmm, that was fun, I like that.'

You need to build an ability to just be yourself and not be doing something. That's what the phones are taking away, is the ability to just sit there. That's being a person. Because underneath everything in your life there is that thing, that empty—forever empty. That knowledge that it's all for nothing and that you're alone. It's down there.

And sometimes when things clear away, you're not watching anything, you're in your car, and you start going, 'oh no, here it comes. That I'm alone.' It's starts to visit on you. Just this sadness. Life is tremendously sad, just by being in it...

That's why we text and drive. I look around, pretty much 100 percent of the people driving are texting. And they're killing, everybody's murdering each other with their cars. But people are willing to risk taking a life and ruining their own because they don't want to be alone for a second because it's so hard.

And I go, 'oh, I'm getting sad, gotta get the phone and write "hi" to like 50 people'...then I said, 'you know what, don't. Just be sad. Just let the sadness, stand in the way of it, and let it hit you like a truck.'

And I let it come, and I just started to feel 'oh my God,'and I pulled over and I just cried like a bitch. I cried so much. And it was beautiful. Sadness is poetic. You're lucky to live sad moments.

And then I had happy feelings. Because when you let yourself feel sad, your body has antibodies, it has happiness that comes rushing in to meet the sadness. So I was grateful to feel sad, and then I met it with true, profound happiness. It was such a trip.

The thing is, because we don't want that first bit of sad, we push it away with a little phone or a jack-off or the food. You never feel completely sad or completely happy, you just feel kinda satisfied with your product, and then you die. So that's why I don't want to get a phone for my kids.”

I used to see this in myself while on social media, and in some of my online friends as well—this unsettled need to stoke fires, to fling words, to get reactions, to indict others, to stir the pot. As everyone knows, negative/tragic/scandalous posts gets more hits, likes, comments, etc than the good-Samaritan type tales. And while liberals seemed to have their share of it, I really think it’s those on the right that are hooked on the rage sauce, the righteous indignation….the outrage porn.

And there’s no shortage of things to get outraged about in the Church and the world. But like sexual pornography, attention-seeking outrage porn numbs you after a while. You may not even realize it, until, like habitual users of porn find out, you suddenly have ED at 28 years old. With outrage porn, you just become flaccid to real tragedies, real injustices in the world. Because you’ve been soaking your dopamine receptors for so long in it, it’s harder to get your ire up due to overuse. We weren’t meant to take in all the injustices and tragedies across the globe in online sittings day after day, just like we weren’t meant to see thousands of pictures of naked bodies in our lifetime. 

Outrage porn can be addicting, especially for people to reach beyond the walls of their homes. It’s kind of like a warm compress—you get a little bored with the tasks in front of you, the people in front of you, the sad in front of you, so you “push it away with a little bit of phone, a little (proverbial) jack-off, a little food.” Essentially, a little distraction from what’s in front of you. And because it’s righteous and kosher and sanctioned, even though you know you have that kind of guilty pleasure receptor going off in the midst of shit-posting, you do it anyway. The way you tell yourself this is the last time looking at porn online, but you know you’ll be right back to it next Friday night. 

At least with sexual pornography, it’s clear it’s wrong and there’s no excuse for it. With outrage posting, everybody’s feeding it, and everyone is seemingly righteous, so it doesn’t really seem like it’s harmful or disquieting to the soul. It promises to accomplish something, resolve something, bring justice. And sometimes, when it’s done appropriately and responsibly, it can and does. 

Edit: I just came across the clip of Liv Boeree speaking on Lex Fridman ("Social Media Is Dangerous", 25 Aug 2022), a few days after I wrote this post and she says it brilliantly, so it's not just me noticing this it seems. Minute 16:00-18:00:

"All everyone is trying to do within the system is to maximize what's getting them the most attention because they're just trying to make money in order to keep their thing going. And it's not just about attention on the internet, it's about engagement (comment, retweet, etc). And of all the seven main emotions, the emotion that happens to be the most useful for the internet is anger. Because anger is such an active emotion...if someone is disgusted or fearful, they're less likely to engage. But if they're enraged by something, it taps into that tribalism mentality. The attention economy [to feed this Moloch] is rage." 

Outrage never sleeps, is never sated, always needs willing participants. But it’s also subtle. If you’re getting off on the interaction, feeding it, dinging receptors in your brain every time you see a red “1” reaction, feeling like you should stop but the outrage feels good and righteous…maybe it’s time to pause and take stock of what you’re doing and why. 

When you consider leaving porn, like St Augustine’s sirens trying to keep him from the shores of Continence, you think you cannot possibly live without it. Then you leave it, and you’re still alive. I think people addicted to outrage porn can trust they can and will live (and thrive) without engaging in it anymore. And maybe find that elusive peace in the process.

The Fix

 

When I first encountered the Psalms it was in a lonely shelter on the Appalachian Trail. The words of David spoke to me right then and there, as if they were written for me in that moment:

"I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand" (Ps 40:2)

I never forgot that Psalm, the first word of the Lord I had ever read. 

When my wife comes home in the morning from her overnight shift in the ER, she will sometimes recount the sad tales of the patients she treated the night before. Some are accidents and traumas, some are embarrasing injuries, but many are alcoholics being treated for withdrawal, and those addicted to drugs. Many of them have burned so many bridges they have no one to call, no one left to pick them up--no one in their life. One patient last night was twelve years sober, but started drinking again when he found himself unemployed. He was shaking so badly she had to give him 40mg of Valium (most patients get 5-10 every few hours) just to put him to sleep. 

"You should leave a prayer card with them, one of Ven. Matt Talbot. And if anyone is an opioid addict, of St. Mark Ji Tianxiang," I mentioned to her as we sat at the kitchen table.

"That's a great idea," she replied.

"You might be the only one in that moment to think to give them hope. Everyone needs a saint in heaven and an angel here on earth. You don't even have to say anything--just slip it i their hand, or lay in next to them in bed. If you don't do it, who will?" 

St. Ignatius was a competent soldier who only picked up the Lives of the Saints when his romances of chilvary reading was not available as he lay convalesent in bed after being struck by a cannonball. It was a fertile ground for conversion because he had nothing else to turn to in that moment. 

It's ok to be creative as Catholics, to seize upon little opportunities to share Christ with someone with your lips, to be Christ to someone with your kindness. Especially when the forgotten, the lost, the dejected and hurting who have no one else to turn to present themselves. St. Francis de Sales used to write his sermons on pieces of paper and slide them under the doors where Calvinists lived, as one example.

I once dated a super sweet girl, a Catholic with a good family, who I probably could have married. But the timing was never right. I was discerning a monastic vocation, and though we parted ways and even dated again briefly a few years later, it just never worked out. Timing is important, and everything happens in God's timing. We may read a piece of scripture one year during a productive time in our lives where it doesn't sink in--a year later we may be bankrupt and on the brink of divorce, and that same exact scripture suddenly speaks to us and takes root in our hearts. That is because God's Word is alive, not dead letters on a page. 

But we let these moments slip through our fingers often; we forget that we are called to make disciples of all nations (Mt 28:19-20). This doesn't have to be big, monumental exercises that draw attention to ourselves. We shouldn't forget that we are simply beggars showing other beggars where to get bread. 

I printed out the prayers and icons of Ven. Matt Talbot and St. Mark Ji, since I didn't have time to order prayer cards before my wife's shift this evening, and since we have a laminator it should be easy to make a few she can carry in her pocket, along with a Miraculous Medal. Given how common and pervasive drug and alcohol addiction are in our hurting and trauma-riddled culture, I have a feeling she won't be short on the opportunity, as she's treating their physical symptoms, to slip a spiritual lifeline to those tonight who find themselves mired in the pit with no one to pull them out. 

Ven. Matt Talbot, St. Mark Ji, pray for us!

The Siren Song Of The Fleshpots Of Egypt

 

Temptation is such a strange thing. Always predictable, and yet always new.

I have been out of the woods for over six months, having quit smoking/vaping/dipping/nicotine cold turkey over the summer. It was brutal but the acute pain of it was shortlived. Months 2-5 were largely passed unscathed. But for whatever reason the past month, I think everyday of going back to it. Every day I need to consciously say, "No, thank you." "No, not today." "No, we are not going back to being a slave." "We are going to stay in the Promised Land...there is nothing back there in Egypt for us."

We all have our struggles and vices, our particular crosses and temptations. I haven't masturbated or looked at pornography in over 12 years. One always needs to stay diligent, but it's not an every-day struggle anymore for me. For some men, this is their battle; one which needs to be won. 

But with regards to this drug, I consciously know I can't just pick up a JUUL or whatever and use it every now and then. Unfortunately, from past experience, I seem to need a no-tolerance policy in order to stay clean. "As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool repeats his folly" (Prov 26:11). I have to admit there is a kind of powerlessness over the drug, that I would be a fool to entertain a "I can have just one" rationalization. I have no physical dependency at this point; it is one hundred percent head game. "Take heed, lest you fall" (1 Cor 10:12)

There comes a point when our exercise of the will becomes just that--exercise. Some days we are cruising, in the habit of virtue. And sometimes we need to deal with the oily suggestions that slide into our eardrums from the lemon-lot salesman more consciously. In these moments we only see the uncorrupted parts of the fruit being offered. We need to say NO and turn right away. "When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it" (Gen 3:6). It can physically and psychologically hurt to do so. But any short term pleasure must be considered against the inevitable fallout that would take one back to the land they escaped.

"And the children of Israel said to them: Would to God we had died by the hand of the Lord in the land of Egypt, when we sat over the flesh pots, and ate bread to the full. Why have you brought us into this desert, that you might destroy all the multitude with famine?" (Exodus 16:3)

I have to think that the devil will often try to wear us down by projecting things into the future. This exercising the will which feels so tiresome day in and day out--when it's suggested to us that it will never end, will be like this forever, will exhaust us to the point where we have no choice but to succumb to whatever temptation we are being buffeted by--it's absolute folly....but you want to listen to the siren that gives you permission to indulge your senses. "It will be ok. Just one. Just one time. Just one hit. I promise. Just one." The next thing you know you are back to square one. Any addict knows how the story ends. The weariness of being clean and turning down invitations to indulge are nothing compared to the weariness of day-in day-out addiction. 

One thing a friend in deliverance ministry suggested to me when I lamented to her that I was tired of 'exercising' the will, saying no to my dark wants every. single. day. She said, offer it up for someone specific. I heard somewhere, I can't remember--offer your temptations and sufferings for the release of a thousand souls in purgatory. Their release is more painful to the Devil than the pleasure brought on by seeing you suffer, so maybe he will stop tempting you then. Not sure how theologically accurate that is, but I'm willing to give it a try. 

We all have our battles, our tailor made crosses. This may be one of mine (among others). I don't want to forget the freedom, the newfound strength, the ability to be free in times of crisis, unfettered by binding chains. But some days it's all I can do to not pull over the car and feed my addiction. Every day is a 'NO' and I gnash my teeth a little. It feels like there's no end in sight, no respite on the horizon. And yet, all I have to do every day is what I am currently doing. Not listening to the lies, not using, and not forgetting. There's a lot at stake, and I am a weak and unprincipled man. 

Deliver me, Jesus. Deliver me. Take this suffering and use it for Your glory. Amen.

The Shortcut Through Samaria

 My first class in grad school was a summer seminar on Romans, taught by a scholar who had spent his entire academic career studying this one book of the Bible. Yikes! I had been accepted to the program on a provisional basis, since I didn't have a background in theology. To boot, I had only been Catholic for a few years and was still "learning the lingo" as they say. It didn't help that beginning grad school commenced with one of the worst depressions I had experienced. It was so bad that my mother had to pick me up from my apartment once a week and drive me to class while waiting in the commons for me to finish. Every night I had to go home and look words up in the dictionary just to keep my head above water. I finished out the class with an A-. It was to be the beginning of an arduous five year period of grinding through the program while feeling like a complete outsider that didn't speak the language. 

I had moved to Philly from Harrisburg, where I worked and ministered in one of the roughest parts of the city, Allison Hill. My neighbors were the drug addicted, the dealers, the working girls. I remember one morning after Mass a young seminarian assigned at the parish across the street was in our rowhouse kitchen; his lexicon was composed almost exclusively of what we would call "church speak." I knew what a "trick," an "eight-ball," and a "john" were, but I didn't know what we he was talking about when he referenced an "alb" or a "ciborium." He was a nice guy, but from a different world.

As Catholics, we tend to seek out and fall in with our own. Like many cultures, we have our own lexicon we sometimes use as proving ground to show how Catholic we are. Msgr Pope has a great post on this here, where he notes,

"One time I proudly announced, “RCIA classes will begin next week, so if you know anyone who is interested in attending please fill out an information card on the table just outside the sacristy door.” I thought I’d been perfectly clear, but then a new member approached me after Mass to inquire about the availability of classes to become Catholic and when they would begin. Wondering if she’d forgotten the announcement I reminded her what I had said about RCIA classes. She looked at me blankly. “Oh,” I said, “Let me explain what I mean by RCIA.” After I did so, I mentioned that she could pick up a flyer over by the sacristy door. Again I got a blank stare, followed by the question “What’s a sacristy?” Did I dare tell her that the classes would be held in the rectory?"

The problem with this kind of "insider baseball" is that it can insulate us from the challenging work of sharing the Good News and making disciples of all nations. Those nations may be pagan, and they may be the places "where men fear to tread" because they are so foreign. In John 4 we see Jesus "had to go through Samaria" (Jn 4:4). He took the direct route north from Jerusalem to Galilee through Samaria, in contrast to most Jews who took the longer, indirect route east of the River Jordan through Peraea because of their hatred for the Samaritans. When I would visit clients for work when I lived in the city, I would cut across the most dangerous parts of the city on my bike because I didn't think to take a roundabout route. As a result, I had a lot of "encounters" that helped open my eyes to an societal underbelly where the Son of God is desperately needed but seen as a foreigner who would never deign to enter into this world if he knew what was good for him.

These places had their own language, their own lexicon, their own code of conduct. I read a lot of spiritual and churchy books, but I try not to limit myself either. One of these underbelly books I would like to read is Pimp written by a man who went by the moniker Iceberg Slim. Without glorifying or apologizing, he details his foray into and decades as a pimp in Chicago. It's a savage world that most of us cannot imagine. Because this was "his world" he writes in a way that many people would have to decipher, the way I would look up church words in the dictionary each night that first summer of grad school. As a result, he includes a "Glossary of Terms" he uses throughout the book. I thought it was interesting to contrast a sample of his gangster lexicon with the 'church speak' we commonly use as reputable Catholics. I'll include a truncated version of each at the bottom of this post.

The thing is, those who most desperately need the grace of God and the ransoming blood of Christ are those often most alienated by the spaces in which they can receive it. The Inquirer ran a story a few years ago about the infamous Kensington section of Philadelphia, and the abandoned churches there. If you've ever been there, it's like a scene from the Walking Dead--a former working class neighborhood that is now Philadelphia's largest open air heroin market. Even for those in the depths of addiction, there is a recognition of the divine and the sacred--even if it feels like a place far, far away:

"Day and night addicted people come and go by the dozens through once-boarded windows. Some get high and collapse onto mattresses. Some come looking for prostitutes. Others have made it a home. Even in the depths of addiction, they are drawn to the familiar, the normal. First, a library lawn, now a church.

"I know it's probably not the right thing to do," said Josh Green, who is 28 and originally from Kensington. For three months he has been sleeping on blankets in the filth of a lower church office. "But I honestly feel a little more comfortable because I know I am in God's house."

They talked of the church as a safe place – a place they show respect. As proof, Steven said, they rarely shoot up in the main church.

"We wouldn't disrespect it," he said, squeezing his fist tight and injecting his forearm, before falling back onto a mattress."

Across the hall, in what looked to be a former devotional chapel, someone had spray-painted a plea: "Forgive me, father, for my sins."

  

A former seminarian I used to be friends with and I used to park our cars at the Cathedral in Center City and set off on foot to the "tent cities" with bottles of water and rosaries/Miraculous Medals. We would sit with those on the streets and they would invite us into the "vestibule" of their homes. We would listen to their stories--of struggle and hurt, but also hope--and pray for and with them. That's it. Maybe this is the "field hospital" church that Pope Francis encourages us to be a part of. 

One of the greatest thing about charity (love) is that it is a universal language.  When we use street talk or church speak, we confine ourselves to our respective worlds and populations. But the Son of God came into the world not to condemn it, but that the world through him might be saved (Jn 3:17), as a ransom for many (Mk 10:45). As our Lord said, it is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick (Mk 2:17).

GLOSSARY

APPLE, New York City

BANG, injection of narcotics

BEEF, criminal complaint

BELL, notoriety connected to one’s name

BILL, a hundred dollars

BIT, prison term

BITE, price

BLACK GUNION, powerful, thick, dark, gummy marijuana

BOO KOOS, plenty

BOOSTER, shoplifter

BOSS, very good, excellent

BOTTOM WOMAN, pimp’s main woman, his foundation

BOY, heroin

BREAKING LUCK, a whore’s first trick of working day

BRIGHT, morning

BULL SCARE, blustering bluff

BUSTED, arrested and/or convicted

C, cocaine

CANNON, pickpocket

CAN, derriere

CAP, a small glycerin container for drugs

CHILI PIMP, small-time one-whore pimp

CHIPPIED, light periodic use of heavy drugs

CIRCUS LOVE, to run the gamut of the sexual perversions

COAST, somnolent nodding state of heroin addict

COCKTAILED, to put a marijuana butt into the end of a conventional cigarette for smoking

COME DOWN, return to normal state after drug use

COP AND BLOW, pimp theory, to get as many whores as leave him

COPPED, get or capture

CRACK WISE, usually applied to an underworld neophyte who spouts hip terminology to gain status

CROAK, kill

CROSSES, to trick or trap

CUT LOOSE, to refuse to help, to disdain

DAMPER, a place holding savings, a bank, safe deposit box, etc.; to stop or quell

DIRTY, in possession of incriminating evidence

DOG, older, hardened whore, or young sexual libertine

DOSSING, sleeping

DOWN, a pimp’s pressure on a whore, or his adherence to the rules of the pimp game; when a whore starts to work

FIX, to bribe so an illegal operation can go with impunity; also an injection of narcotics

FREAK, sexual libertine

Absolution:

Part of the sacrament of penance. It is the formal declaration by the priest that a penitent's sins are forgiven.

Abstinence:

Refraining from certain kinds of food or drink as an act of self-denial. Usually refraining from eating meat. Official days of abstinence from meat for Catholics are Ash Wednesday and Good Friday.

Acedia:

A less common synonym for sloth, one of the seven "capital" sins.

Acolyte:

A liturgical minister appointed to assist at liturgical celebrations. Priests and deacons receive this ministry before they are ordained. Lay men may be installed permanently in the ministry of acolyte through a rite of institution and blessing.

Almsgiving:

Money or goods given to the poor as an act of penance or fraternal charity. Almsgiving, together with prayer and fasting, are traditionally recommended to foster the state of interior penance.

Angelus:

A form of prayer said 3 times per day; morning, noon and evening.

Anointing:

A symbol of the Holy Spirit, whose anointing of Jesus as Messiah fulfilled the prophecies of the Old Testament. Christ in Hebrew - Messiah means the one anointed by the Holy Spirit. Anointing is the sacramental sign of Confirmation, called Chrismation in the Churches of the East. Anointings form part of the liturgical rites of the catechumenate, and of the Sacraments of Baptism and Holy Orders.

Apostasy:

The total repudiation of the Christian faith.

Apostolate:

The activity of the Christian which fulfills the apostolic nature of the whole Church by working to extend the reign of Christ to the entire world.

Ascension:

The taking up of Jesus into Heaven forty days after the resurrection and witnessed by the Apostles. Ascension Thursday is celebrated forty days after Easter.

Assumption:

The taking up of Mary, the Mother of Jesus, into Heaven. Celebrated on August 15.

Beatification:

The first step in the process by which a dead person is officially declared to be a Saint.

Beatific Vision:

The contemplation of God in heavenly glory, a gift of God which is a constitutive element of the happiness of heaven.

Beatitude:

Happiness or blessedness, especially the eternal happiness of heaven, which is described as the vision of God, or entering into God's rest by those whom he makes partakers of the divine nature.

Benediction:

A short service in which the consecrated Host is placed in a monstrance where it can be seen and venerated by the people.

Bishop:

From the Greek word "episcopos" meaning "overseer". A bishop is in charge of the Church in a local area. One who has received the fullness of the Sacrament of Holy Orders, which makes him a member of the episcopal college and a successor of the Apostles. He is the shepherd of a particular Church entrusted to him.

Blasphemy:

Speech, thought, or action involving contempt for God or the Church, or persons or things dedicated to God. Blasphemy is directly opposed to the second commandment.

Blessed Sacrament:

A term Catholics use when referring to the consecrated Host-especially when it is reserved in the Tabernacle. A name given to the Holy Eucharist, especially the consecrated elements reserved in the tabernacle for adoration, or for the sick.

Breviary:

A book containing the prayers, hymns, psalms and readings which make up the Divine Office (a form of prayer said by the Clergy.)

Calumny:

A false statement which harms the reputation of others and gives occasion for false judgments concerning them.

Canon of the Mass:

The central part of the Mass, also known as the Eucharistic Prayer or "Anaphora," which contains the prayer of thanksgiving and consecration.

Canonization:

The solemn declaration by the Pope that a deceased member of the faithful may be proposed as a model and intercessor to the Christian faithful and venerated as a Saint on the basis of the fact that the person lived a life of heroic virtue or remained faithful to God through martyrdom.

Catacombs:

System of tunnels used by early Catholics as hiding places when they were being persecuted.

Catechism:

A popular summary or compendium of Catholic doctrine about faith and morals and designed for use in catechists.

Catechist:

Someone who teaches Christian doctrine, especially in Parish or School.

Cathedral:

The official Church of the bishop of a diocese. The Greek word cathedra means chair or throne; the bishop's "Chair" symbolizes his teaching and governing authority, and is located in the principal Church or "cathedral" of the local diocese of which he is the chief pastor.

Celebrant:

The one who presides at a religious service. The priest at Mass is referred to as the Celebrant.

Chalice:

The cup used at Mass to hold the wine.

Charism:

A specific gift or grace of the Holy Spirit which directly or indirectly benefits the Church, given in order to help a person live out the Christian life, or to serve the common good in building up the Church.

Chastity:

The moral virtue which, under the cardinal virtue of temperance, provides for the successful integration of sexuality within the person leading to the inner unity of the bodily and spiritual being. Chastity is called one of the fruits of the Holy Spirit.

Chrismation:

The name used in the Eastern Churches for the sacrament of Confirmation, from the "chrism" or "myron" used in the anointing.

Ciborium:

A bowl or chalice-shaped vessel to hold the consecrated Hosts for the distribution of Holy Communion.

Clergy:

A term applied to men who have been Ordained for ministry within the Church. Bishops, Priests and Deacons are members of the Clergy.

Cloister:

A place of religious seclusion.

Commandment:

A norm of moral and/or religious action; above all, the Ten Commandments given by God to Moses. Jesus summarized all the commandments in the twofold command of love of God and love of neighbor.

Communion:

Holy Communion, the reception of the body and blood of Christ in the Eucharist. More generally, our fellowship and union with Jesus and other baptized Christians in the Church, which has its source and summit in the celebration of the Eucharist.

Conclave:

The meeting of the Cardinals in complete seclusion, when they assemble to elect a Pope.

Concupiscence:

Human appetites or desires which remain disordered due to the temporal consequences of original sin, which remain even after Baptism, and which produce an inclination to sin.

Confessor:

A Priest who hears confessions.

Conscience:

The interior voice of a human being, within whose heart the inner law of God is inscribed. Moral conscience is a judgment of practical reason about the moral quality of a human action. It moves a person at the appropriate moment to do good and to avoid evil. An examination of conscience is recommended as a preparation for the reception of the Sacrament of Penance.

Consecration:

The dedication of a thing or person to divine service by a prayer or blessing. The consecration at Mass is that part of the Eucharistic Prayer during which the Lord's words of institution of the Eucharist at the Last Supper are recited by the priestly minister, making Christ's Body and Blood his sacrifice offered on the cross once for all sacramentally present under the species of bread and wine.

Contemplation:

A form of wordless prayer in which mind and heart focus on God's greatness and goodness in affective, loving adoration; to look on Jesus and the mysteries of his life with faith and love.

Contrition:

Sorrow of the soul and hatred for the sin committed, together with a resolution not to sin again. Contrition is the most important act of the penitent, and is necessary for the reception of the Sacrament of Penance.

Convent:

The place where a community of Nuns live.

Conversion:

A radical reorientation of the whole life away from sin and evil, and toward God. This change of heart or conversion is a central element of Christ's preaching, of the Church's ministry of evangelization, and of the Sacrament of Penance and Reconciliation.

Council:

An assembly of representatives from the whole Church called together by the Pope to make decisions.

Creed:

A brief, normative summary statement or profession of Christian faith, e.g., the Apostles' Creed, the Nicene Creed. The word "Creed" comes from the latin credo, meaning "I Believe," with which the Creed begins. Creeds are also called symbols of faith.

Crucifix:

A cross with the figure of the crucified Jesus upon it. Used by Catholics to bring to mind the sufferings of Christ.

Deanery:

Several parishes form a Deanery. This unit is administered by one of the Priests' of the Deanery who has the title; 'Dean'.

Devil/Demon:

A fallen angel, who sinned against God by refusing to accept His reign. Satan or the devil, the Evil One, and the other demons were at first good angels, created naturally good, who became evil by their own doing.

Diocese:

A "particular Church", a community of the faithful in communion of faith and sacraments whose bishop has been ordained in apostolic succession. A diocese is usually a determined geographic area; sometimes it may be constituted as a group of people of the same rite or language. In Eastern churches, an eparchy.

Disciple:

Those who accepted Jesus' message to follow him are called his disciples. Jesus associated his disciples with his own life, revealed the mystery of the kingdom to the disciples and gave them a share in his mission, His joy, and his sufferings.

Dispensation:

Exemption from a Church law in a particular case for a special reason.

Divine Office:

The Liturgy of the Hours, the public prayer of the Church which sanctifies the whole course of the day and night. Christ thus continues his priestly work through the prayer of his priestly people.

Doctrine/Dogma:

The revealed teachings of Christ which are proclaimed by the fullest extent of the exercise of the authority of the Church's Magisterium. The faithful are obliged to believe the truths or dogmas contained in divine revelation and defined by the Magisterium.

Doxology:

Christian prayer which gives praise and glory to God, often in a special way to the Three Divine Persons of the Trinity. Liturgical Prayers traditionally conclude with the doxology "to the Father, through the Son, in the Holy Spirit"; the final doxology of the Lord's Prayer renews the prayer's first three petitions in the form of adoration and praise.

Ecclesiastic/Ecclesiastical:

Pertaining to or of the Church (Greek/Latin: ecclesia). Hence ecclesiastical government is Church government; an ecclesiastical province is a grouping of Church jurisdictions or dioceses; an ecclesiastic is a Church official.

Ecumenism:

Promotion of the restoration of unity among all Christians, the unity which is a gift of Christ and to which the Church is called by the Holy Spirit. For the Catholic Church, the Decree on Ecumenism of the Second Vatican Council provides a charter for ecumenical efforts.

Enclosure:

That part of a convent or monastery to which outsiders are not permitted.

Encyclical:

A pastoral letter written by the Pope and sent to the whole Church and even to the whole world, to express Church teaching on some important matter. Encyclicals are expressions of the ordinary papal magisterium.

Eparchy:

A "particular Church", a community of the faithful in communion of faith and sacraments whose bishop has been ordained in apostolic succession. A diocese is usually a determined geographic area; sometimes it may be constituted as a group of people of the same rite or language. In Eastern Churches, an eparchy.

Epiclesis:

The prayer petitioning God to send the Holy Spirit so that the offerings at the Eucharist may become the Body and Blood of Christ and thus the faithful, by receiving them, may themselves become a living offering to God. In every sacrament, the prayer asking for the sanctifying power of God's Holy Spirit is an "epiclesis".

Epiphany:

The feast which celebrates the manifestation to the world of the newborn Christ as Messiah, Son of God, and Savior of the world. The feast of epiphany celebrates the adoration of Jesus by the wise men, magi, from the East, together with his Baptism in the Jordan and the wedding feast of Cana in Galilee.

Episcopal/Episcopate:

Pertaining to the office of bishop Greek: episkopos), hence episcopal consecration, the episcopal college, episcopal conferences. Episcopate is a collective noun referring to all those who have received sacramental ordination as bishops.

Epistle:

From the Greek word meaning "letter," This word refers to the 21 books in the New Testament that were written as letters to instruct and encourage the members of the early Church.

Eremitical Life:

The life of a hermit, separate from the world in praise of God and for the salvation of the world, in the silence of solitude, assiduous prayer, and penance.

Eschatology:

From the Greek word eschaton, meaning "last." Eschatology refers to the area of Christian faith which is concerned about "the last things," and the coming of Jesus on "the last day": our human destiny, death, judgment, resurrection of the body, heaven, purgatory, and hell all of which are contained in the final articles of the Creed.

Eucharist:

The ritual, sacramental action of thanksgiving to God which constitutes the principal Christian liturgical celebration of and communion in the paschal mystery of Christ. The liturgical action called the Eucharist is also traditionally known as the holy sacrifice of the Mass. It is one of the seven sacraments of the Church; the Holy Eucharist completes Christian initiation. The Sunday celebration of the Eucharist is at the heart of the Church's life.

Euthanasia:

An action or an omission which, of itself or by intention, causes the death of handicapped, sick, or dying persons sometimes with an attempt to justify the act as a means of eliminating suffering. Euthanasia violates the fifth commandment of the law of God.

Eve:

According to the creation story in Genesis, the first woman; wife of Adam. God did not create man a solitary being; from the beginning, "male and female he created them". Because she is the mother of the eternal Son of God made man, Jesus Christ the "new adam," Mary is called the "new eve," the "mother of the living" in the order of grace.

Examination of Conscience:

Prayerful self-reflection on our words and deeds in the light of the Gospel to determine how we may have sinned against God. The reception of the Sacrament of Penance ought to be prepared for by such an examination of conscience.

Excommunication:

A severe ecclesiastical penalty, resulting from grave crimes against the Catholic religion, imposed by ecclesiastical authority or incurred as a direct result of the commission of an offense. Excommunication excludes the offender from taking part in the Eucharist or other sacraments and from the exercise of any ecclesiastical office, ministry, or function.

Exorcism:

The public and authoritative act of the Church to protect or liberate a person or object from the power of the devil (e.g., demonic possession) in the name of Christ. A simple exorcism prayer in preparation for Baptism invokes God's help in overcoming the power of Satan and the spirit of evil.

Expiation:

The act of redemption and atonement for sin which Christ won for us by the pouring out of his Blood on the cross, by His obedient love "even to the end". The expiation of sins continues in the mystical Body of Christ and the communion of saints by joining our human acts of atonement to the redemptive action of Christ, both in this life and in Purgatory.

Fasting:

Refraining from food and drink as an expression of interior penance, in imitation of the fast of Jesus for forty days in the desert. Fasting is an ascetical practice recommended in Scripture and the writings of the Church Fathers; it is sometimes prescribed by a precept of the Church, especially during the liturgical season of Lent.

Filioque:

A word meaning "and from the Son," added to the Latin version of the Niceno-Constantinopolitan Creed, by which the Latin tradition of the Creed confesses that the Holy Spirit "proceeds from the Father and the Son".

Font:

A basin or bowl in a Church used for the Baptismal water.

Fornication:

Sexual intercourse between an unmarried man and an unmarried woman. Fornication is a serious violation of the sixth commandment of God.

Free Will:

Human experience which governs our actions and gives us the freedom to make choices regarding our full expression of God's love.

Genuflection:

A reverence made by bending the knee, especially to express adoration of the Blessed Sacrament.

Godparent:

The sponsor of one who is baptized, who assumes a responsibility to assist the newly baptized child or adult on the road of Christian life.

Guardian Angels:

Angels assigned to protect and intercede for each person.

Habit:

The distinctive form of dress worn by members of religious communities.

Hail Mary:

The prayer known in Latin as the Ave Maria. The first part of the prayer praises God for the gifts he gave to Mary as Mother of the Redeemer; the second part seeks her maternal intercession for the members of the Body of Christ, the Church, of which she is the Mother.

Heresy:

The obstinate denial after Baptism of a truth which must be believed with divine and Catholic faith.

Hermit:

One who lives the eremitical life. Through silence and solitude, in prayer and penance, the hermit or anchorite vows, although not necessarily publicly, to follow the evangelical counsels out of love for God and desire for the salvation of the world.

Hierarchy:

The Apostles and their successors, the college of bishops, to whom Christ gave the authority to teach, sanctify, and rule the Church in his name.

Homily:

Preaching by an ordained minister to explain the Scriptures proclaimed in the liturgy and to exhort the people to accept them as the Word of God.

Homosexuality:

Sexual attraction or orientation toward persons of the same sex and/or sexual acts between persons of the same sex. Homosexual acts are morally wrong because they violate God's purpose for human sexual activity.

Hope:

The theological virtue by which we desire and expect from God both eternal life and the grace we need to attain it.

Host:

The wafer of consecrated bread which Catholics receive at Holy Communion. It is usually disc-shaped and thin for convenience and there are two sizes; the larger is used by the Priest at the altar.

Hypostatic Union:

The union of the divine and human natures in the one divine Person (Greek: hypostasis) of the Son of God, Jesus Christ.

Iconoclasm:

A heresy which aintained that veneration of religious images is unlawful. Iconoclasm was condemned as unfaithful to Christian tradition at the Second Ecumenical Council of Nicaea in 787 A.D.

Idolatry:

The divinization of a creature in place of God; the substitution of some one (or thing) for God; worshiping a creature (even money, pleasure, or power) instead of the Creator.

Indulgence:

The remission before God of the temporal punishment due to sin whose guilt has already been forgiven. A properly disposed member of the Christian faithful can obtain an indulgence under prescribed conditions through the help of the Church which, as the minister of redemption, dispenses and applies with authority the treasury of the satisfactions of Christ and the saints. An indulgence is partial if it removes part of the temporal punishment due to sin, or plenary if it removes all punishment.

Inerrancy:

The attribute of the books of Scripture whereby they faithfully and without error teach that truth which God, for the sake of our salvation, wished to have confided through the Sacred Scriptures.

Infallibility:

The gift of the Holy Spirit to the Church whereby the pastors of the Church, the pope and bishops in union with him, can definitively proclaim a doctrine of faith or morals for the belief of the faithful. This gift is related to the inability of the whole body of the faithful to err in matters of faith and morals.

Inquistions:

Official investigations by the Church of suspected heresies.

Intercession:

A form of prayer of petition on behalf of others. The prayer of intercession leads us to pray as Christ, our unique Intercessor, prayed.

Intercommunion:

Participation or sharing in the reception of the Eucharist or Holy Communion by Christians who are not fully united to or in full communion with the Catholic Church.

Irreligion:

A vice contrary by defect to the virtue of religion. Irreligion directs us away from rendering to God what we as creatures owe him in justice.

IHS:

three letters from the Greek name, Jesus.

INRI:

the initial letters form the Latin inscription written on the cross: Iesus Nazarenus Rex Iudaeorum, (Jesus of Nazareth, King of the Jews).

PX:

a monogram of the first two Greek letters for 'Christus'.

Justification:

The gracious action of God which frees us from sin and communicates "the righteousness of God through faith in Jesus Christ" (Rom 3:22). Justification is not only the remission of sins, but also the sanctification and renewal of the interior man.

Kyrie EleiSon:

Greek words meaning; "Lord have mercy". Sometimes said or sung in Greek during the penitential rite of the Mass.