"If I Die, I Die": The Illusion of Safety

I have always been fascinated by the church in China. But many Americans may not be aware of the unique circumstances of Christianity under the CCP. For one, there are over 57,000 state-sponsored churches in China as part of the "Three Self Patriotic Movement" (TSPM). These are essentially Communist-controlled puppet churches, counterfeits that hold the State above the Kingdom of God. Meanwhile, those who refuse to submit to the CCP and live out the true faith are ruthlessly monitored, interrogated, tortured and jailed. The former are considered "safe" churches; the latter, undoubtedly "unsafe."

Here in America, we are familiar with the slogan "Be safe." It was the mantra of our government during the COVID era, when safety became our golden calf. It can be argued there was a degree of prudence and uncertainty among the citizenry and local authorities early on when we weren't sure what way this was going to go; I'm not here to judge that or play Monday morning quarterback.  

A few years ago I read the book The Heavenly Man about evangelist Brother Yun witnessing to the Gospel in Communist China. It was one of the most inspiring books I have ever read, and his unwavering faith in Christ and the power of the Gospel is truly remarkable. It shouldn't be, for he is simply a believing Christian who lives out his belief (and is willing to be jailed, beaten, and tortured for it) as we all should. And that belief wields power--the power of the Gospel and the miracles promised to those who believe.

In trying to learn more about the plight of underground Christians in China during that time, I came across a sermon online by another inspiring witness to Christ, Pastor Wang Yi. Pastor Yi was sentenced to nine years in prison for "inciting subversion of state power." Unlike the church in America, which is able to pontificate about intellectual, theological, and abstract concepts, the Church in China is afforded no such luxury. What they are concerned with is, for one, the practicalities of how to take a beating for the faith.

What I found so powerful about this literal believer in Christ was how he inverted this idea of "safety" in one of his sermons (How I Approach Police Interrogations 面对询问时我会怎么做), which I have transcribed below. As you will see, he is less concerned about his physical or worldly safety, and more concerned with what he calls his "spiritual safety":

"I once told a few brothers and sisters that in my early Christian years, every time I entered the police station I was afraid. But I said I learned something that I wanted to share with them. I want to share it with you all, too. I don't know whether or not you'll find it helpful.

Do you know what I've learned? When I'm being interrogated at the police station, I put myself in a spiritually safe situation. 

What do I mean by a spiritually safe situation? I mean I put myself in a physically unsafe situation. This sounds kind of abstract. What I mean is that when I'm in the police station, for the sake of safety, I say everything upfront. I immediately arrive at the point of no retreat. Unless you beat me, unless you arrest me, we have nothing more to talk about.

If I discuss things with them little by little, if I prolonged our conversation, I will be influenced by them. I will feel spiritually unsafe. They will get to my head through some roundabout ways. Then my spirit will weaken, and many of their words and actions will affect me. I don't want to be in this kind of spiritual danger. So in the very beginning, I clearly and directly address the point of conflict in the starkest possible terms so that there is nothing more to discuss. Then there are no more questions left for them to ask me. All they can do is beat me or arrest me. 

I say to them very clearly, 'If I'm arrested today, I'm prepared to stay here. Unless you want to charge me with a crime and arrest me, I have nothing more to say. I don't dispute the Communist Party's rule over this country. But Communism is evil. This is what I believe. 'Do what you want to me.' 

As soon as I say this, there is no turning back. I've discovered that this puts you in more physical danger. But it also comes with a great benefit: it increases your spiritual safety. So this is what I do every time. When I do this, I know that I'm spiritually safe.

Jesus also did this. Jesus often, through one word, forced all of Israel, all of the Sanhedrin, all of the Pharisees into a position where they had to kill him. Either they had to believe in him or they had to kill him. As C.S. Lewis said, you must either fall at his feet and call him Lord, or you must kill him. Because there is no middle ground, no safe zone.

So let me encourage you all, brothers and sisters: When you are facing persecution, when you are facing pressure because of your faith, don't give yourself too much wiggle room. Articulate the most controversial point as early as possible, and then, with Esther, say, 'If I die, I die.' It is often those who say, 'If I die, I die," who live in the end."

As Christians who are comfortable waxing about liturgical nuances online or ranting about the vax or extolling the lofty ideals of Thomistic philosophy or complaining about this or that, I think it's important to be brought down to earth from time to time by witnesses such as Pastor Yi and countless other Christians outside the U.S. who are not afforded the "safety" of freedom of religion and freedom of speech, but who nevertheless count the cost and take their beatings singing in a gospel simplicity that, quite simply, should put our faith to shame. Theirs is not a theoretical but a fundamental faith...not an abstract cost, but a real and painful one. But it is not in vain, either. For Christ truly promises life to those willing to lose it...and these Christians are indeed willing. 

When we hold on so tightly to the illusion of safety--especially when it comes to staying safe in our faith--it's like dousing the charcoal with lighter fluid and never striking a match. And persecution for these Christians is the flint that ignites their faith; a deep faith that becomes immovable, unshakable, even against Goliaths like the CCP. These are the men and women, brothers and sisters, we should be seeking to emulate. To say with them in deed, spirit, and solidarity, and without theological embellishment, "If I die, I die." For it is those who profess and embrace that death in paradox who truly do live in the end.

A Practical Guide To The Works Of Mercy

 

One of the lamentable pendulum swings in the Church today is to associate the works of mercy we are commanded by the Lord throughout scripture to perform with the "SJW" camp. It's not an unmerited reaction: at the small CINO college where I used to work, the Catholic identify of the institution was summed up in a pithy "we do service." And indeed, the students made sandwiches for the homeless, ran clothing drives, and visited the elderly sisters in the convent's nursing home.  All good things that we are called to as Christians--and all things a secular humanist could do just as well. 

So what makes Christian charity different? Love undergirds everything in the true Christian life, as the Apostle writes, "let all your things be done in charity" (1 Cor 16:14), while charity comes from a pure heart, a good conscience, and an unfeigned faith (1 Tim 1:5). 

In the fourth chapter of his epistle to the Ephesians, St. Paul also writes of the different gifts of the Spirit given to the brethren:

"And he gave some apostles, and some prophets, and other some evangelists, and other some pastors and doctors, for the perfecting of the saints, for the work of the ministry, for the edifying of the body of Christ" (Ep 4:11-12)

Likewise, the Church lays out for us once again a "both/and" charge to do the works of mercy-- corporal and spiritual. Whereas a Social Worker (who may or may not be Christian) may devote his or her life to the former as a matter of vocation (in the secular sense), a devout Christian may see his work primary as spiritual in nature: praying, making reparations, etc. And indeed some cloistered religious do devote their life to this noble calling 24/7 (Carthusians, Carmelites, etc) 

But for many of us lay persons living in the world, I think a both/and approach is appropriate for our state in life. The degree to which we are able to serve and in what capacity given our constraints varies, but I do think many of us do structure our lives in a way which precludes much "space" for charity--the way we often given "from our surplus, not our need" (Mk 12:44) when God calls for first fruits. As Catholics, we know we are capable of structuring our lives to put "first things first," i.e., the Divine Law, as evidenced in making Sunday Mass and the laying fallow of the Sabbath a priority regardless of our schedules and circumstances. But do we also prioritize the practical exercise of charity to evidence our faith in the same way?

It is harder to do when we see the exercise of charity and the works of mercy as an obligation (which it is) rather than an opportunity and means of blessing for both giver and those that receive it. This is not always easy to do, especially for those who tirelessly work in fields in which their exercise of this work goes unappreciated and taken for granted. But this, too, is a blessing from the Lord, who sees in secret and repays in kind (Mt 6:4). And the Lord makes this a practical opportunity, for "when thou makest a feast, call the poor, the maimed, the lame, and the blind; And thou shalt be blessed, because they have not wherewith to make thee recompense: for recompense shall be made thee at the resurrection of the just (Lk 14:13-14).

So, we are called to exercise charity, to perform the works of mercy--both corporal and spiritual. So, what are they, and what are some ways we can live them out in a concrete manner? See below (note, in the interest of brevity I may share some links of things I've written already on the particular work of mercy from past posts):

THE CORPORAL

Feed the Hungry

Give Drink to the Thirsty

Clothe the Naked

I am grouping these three corporal works together because in the hierarchy of human needs and in our modern society, they can be performed simultaneously. At our old parish, we would pack snack bags with granola bars, fruit, sandwiches, etc with bottles of water and do a "walk around the block" before Mass so our kids could hand them out to the veterans and others who seemed like they could use some nourishment. We also encouraged them to pray beforehand and ask the Holy Spirit to "send someone" into their purview to receive this offering.

In recent years we have pulled back on donations to formal charities and instead have also prayed for opportunities to exercise this in a way that hurts a little more with particular families in need. In more than one occasion we were made aware of large families in which the husband had been laid off, or injured; in many of these instances the families were not destitute but it was also harder for them to qualify for aid (the "fall through the cracks" dilemma) and we wanted to simply ease the burden for them. In every circumstance so far, they were eventually able to get back on their feet and use the money for groceries, mortgages, and other necessary expenses. I try to write the check quickly, for an amount bigger than I would rationalize if I was using my head, send it off and forget it was ever written. 

Visit the Imprisoned

This work of mercy, too, can be a literal application. It took me a while to get clearances at our local county prison, but once I did I made monthly visits to both large groups of men (to read the scriptures to them out loud) and to individual inmates. Not everyone may be able to do this, but in lieu of physical visits there is always the opportunity to be a pen-pal to someone who is incarcerated. What's nice about this is even busy homemakers or working dads can carve out a half hour to write a letter and all it costs is the price of a stamp. When was the last time you got a letter in the mail? Isn't it nice?

Shelter the Homeless

Sheltering the homeless can be taken literally, but for many of us with families and small children, it is not always prudent and takes discernment. However, one thing we have done as a family is host families of limited means for a few nights whose child with cancer needed treatment at a nearby city hospital when Ronald McDonald house was full. We did this through this organization, which is not religious but nevertheless provides a good service for those who may not be able to afford hotel accommodations. 

Visit the Sick

This afternoon my daughter and I paid a visit to an elderly woman in a rehab facility. This is really low-hanging fruit that really cheers the neglected Christs in places like this, many of whom do not have families to visit and suffer from crushing loneliness. We brought some flowers from the yard in a jelly jar and a Miraculous Medal on a chain as a small gift. We stayed and chatted for about ten minutes total. It's also a nice thing to do with your kids, since the elderly seem to really love seeing them. I got the contact from our parish secretary who knew of shut-ins and those unable to get to Mass. It wasn't complicated, took no special skill, and took all of half an hour. 

Bury the Dead

This is one where many us, unless we are undertakers, may not do. We have a funeral to go to in a couple weeks, but are of course not actually doing the burying. But we did have a Mass said for the deceased, which is a great spiritual benefit to their souls. 

THE SPIRITUAL

Admonish the Sinner

See my post Why (and How) To Admonish a Brother In Charity. This can be a very hard work of mercy, and takes discernment, but may save his soul in the end. 

Instruct the Ignorant

I had a co-worker mention that she went to Mass recently because her son was going through CCD and doing his first Penance. I knew she didn't go to Mass regularly, but mentioned she received Communion. I mentioned (as charitably as I could) that the Church expects us to go to Confession at least once a year, and always when we are in a state of mortal sin, and that not attending Mass every Sunday and HDO is a mortal sin. I emailed her a detailed examination of conscience and told her to read it and encouraged her to join her son and make use of the Sacrament of Penance. She admitted she is a "bad Catholic" for rarely attending Mass outside of Christmas and Easter and never going to Confession. But at least she can't claim ignorance now.

Sometimes we need to pop people's bubble as a spiritual work of mercy, regardless of how uncomfortable it is and how badly they have been catechized so they no longer have any excuse. We can do it charitably, but we need to do it when we have the opportunity, or we will be judged just as harshly as a sin of omission.

Counsel the Doubtful

Comfort the Sorrowful

My wife is good about being available to women with things like a kitchen table and a cup of tea. She's a good listener, and a good encourager too. Many people today are struggling with doubts and anxiety, and we can encourage by making time and space for them in invitation. As St. Paul says, "encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing" (1 Thes 5:11) And when we encounter someone who is downcast and hurting, we share their cross, mourning with those who mourn (Rom 12:15). "Love and hurry are fundamentally incompatible. Love always takes time, and time is the one thing hurried people don't have."

Bear Wrongs Patiently

See what this looks like in my post By Your Words You Shall Be Condemned, where I cover some of St. Ambrose's treatise on the matter. 

Forgive All Injuries

Forgiveness can take really deep work, and grace is necessary for it to be perfected. See Forgive Quickly, Before You Change Your Mind. If we do not forgive our brother, our heavenly Father will not forgive us. So it's important!

Pray For The Living And The Dead

See my article The Tender Favor of Indulgences for more on this efficacious and much neglected work of mercy.

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We will be judged on our tangible charity (Mt 25) and true religion is caring for widows and orphans (Ja 1:27). But it doesn't have to be complicated! As mentioned above, a lot of these are low-hanging fruit, and don't take any special skill--just charity, which is a gift of the Holy Spirit given to anyone who asks (Mt 7:11). You may also find you do not hit all of these, and that's okay too. But it's also okay to "try out" different works to round out your character as a Christian. These are just some suggestions, and I only share what we have done not as any kind of merit, but to give some tangibility and examples of what one can do. The perfect is the enemy of the good. As one of my friends is fond of saying, "half the battle is just showing up!"

Want To Suffer Shame For The Name? Start By Telling The Truth

Have you ever wondered how many Jane and Joe Catholics are walking around, working, raising families, and wrapped up in the day to day who have no idea what road they might be on? Have you ever thought that maybe, just maybe, the majority of the average Catholics you might encounter on the street have no idea that it is a sin to miss Mass on Sundays, to practice contraception, to get remarried without an annulment (adultery), to have an abortion or live a life of totally ignoring the poor?

There are two Spiritual Works of Mercy that are very hard to practice today, and I see them as going hand in hand: "Instructing the Ignorant" and "Admonishing the Sinner."

Here's the thing: with regard to the former, we all know where this has gotten us. Being ignorant or "in the dark" is sometimes happenstance ("You know, I never thought about that before!") and sometimes it can be willful ("I don't know, and I don't want to know.") A shameful example of men remaining willfully ignorant to abuse in order to acquit themselves of culpability can be seen with regards to Cardinal Wuerl's desire to remain "in the dark" when confronted with instances of abuse:

"[Fr] Zirwas informed the diocese in 1996 that he knew of other Pittsburgh priests’ involvement in illegal sexual activity, the report found, and “demanded that his sustenance payments be increased” in exchange for that information. Wuerl replied with instructions to provide the names of the priests involved or to “state that he had no knowledge of what he had previously claimed” to get any additional assistance. The priest then disavowed any knowledge of priests being involved in illegal sexual activity in a letter to the diocese. “Zirwas was granted an additional financial stipend and his sustenance payments were continued,” report said.

But sometimes, people of general good will, due to faulty or insufficient catechesis, can really be effectively ignorant of the teachings of their religion. If a Catholic couple is fornicating or living together before marriage, they might just think this is normal in today's culture and be going along with their lives with a skip and a smile. One might be afraid of turning them off altogether, or shutting down and hating you. But when opportunity presents itself to speak the truth in love (Eph 4:15), you are presented with an opportunity to save your brother or sister.

We know that the divine law is written onto the hearts of men, even for pagans and unbelievers. We know conscience is an endowed gift of God:

"For when Gentiles who do not have the Law do instinctively the things of the Law, these, not having the Law, are a law to themselves, in that they show the work of the Law written in their hearts, their conscience bearing witness and their thoughts alternately accusing or else defending them" (Rom 2:14-15)

How, then, does this work, practically speaking--this instructing and admonishing? Well, I have always been bad at it, because, well, I'm not that different from most people in that I like to be liked and have thin skin, generally. But God is working on me, and I'm giving less figs about that these days, so I'm more inclined when presented with the opportunity to bring attention to these things.

First: get your own house in order. No one likes a hypocrite, and no one likes to be judged. Truth be told, we should not be judging people at all, but that does not mean we cannot judge actions as objectively right or wrong. Live a life of integrity yourself before admonishing others to do the same.

Second: When delivering hard truths that have the potential to knock someone off their rocker of ignorance, have some humility, and remember that you were there once too. Expunge all sense of self-righteousness, because people can smell this a mile away. Make it clear by your thoughts, words, and actions, that you care for the person you are speaking to, and you speak out of love.

Third: pray for grace and for the Holy Spirit to give you the words and speak for you. Do not rely on your own power. You are not a heart or mind reader like Padre Pio, so don't try to act like one. If God tells you by the Holy Spirit in prayer that now is not the time to speak, now is not the time to speak. If he tells you to speak the truth in love, speak the truth in love. Do whatever He tells you.

Fourth: always with a smile. I don't know if this is kosher or not, it's even counter intuitive, but I think it can be disarming and helpful to smile, intentional and genuinely, when admonishing. The message is important. HOW you deliver the message may be even more so. Not all of us can pull off being a John the Baptist. But we can deliver his message to repent in concrete ways without being sour-pusses. Our faith is motivated by the JOY of being saved from sin and death, and we need to communicate that concretely when dishing up hard truths if we want a greater likelihood of the medicine going down.

Fifth: suffer derision for their sake. They may curse you or strike you even, ignore you or cut ties. They may mock you or accuse you. Take it upon yourself to pray and do reparations that they may have eyes to see, and experience a new heart, a changed heart, a born-again heart. Christ took on suffering and derision for the sake of blind and ungrateful men, and so if we want to follow him we may be wise to get used to this feeling of being rejected and our love thwarted. That's ok. God does His part, you do your part, and the rest is out of your hands.

The image that comes to mind of standing in the midst of such derision and shame is of the Woolworth's sit-in during the Civil Rights movement. Blacks exercising civil disobedience had sugar, ketchup, and mustard poured on their heads when they refused to move. They knew what was right, were willing to take the hits for it, and refused to be moved or intimidated.

You don't have to go looking for suffering. Speak the Gospel truth to those who are resistant to it and it will find you. Stand for the truth when it hurts and you will experience it. Love anyone, and you will suffer for it; it is only a matter of time. But who knows--if you speak out and accept the consequences, they may hate you and simulatenously wake from their fatal slumber at the same time. You will have popped their balloon of ignorance, and they will no longer in good conscience be able to fly it into the careless clouds. You will start them on a hard road, perhaps, and they will hate you for it, at least initially.

And you, my friend--don't you scorn this shame, but relish it, as the apostles did when "they left the Sanhedrin, rejoicing because they had been counted worthy of suffering disgrace for the Name" (Acts 5:41). You know you are doing something right, earning your keep and on the narrow road, when you are covered in the mess the world pours on your head in its hatred of you. No matter. For then you will attest, with St. Dominic Savio, "If I can succeed in saving only a single soul, I can be sure that my own will be saved."

A Revolution of Saints

I've been reading a lot--a lot--the past few weeks about the McCarrick scandal in the Church. Of course it goes deeper than this one incident with this one prelate, to a much deeper and darker network within the Church. The abuse and betrayal is both sickening and saddening. But I don't want to pile on to what has already been written and said much more comprehensively by others than I could write. Instead, I just want to bring one thing to light, one thing that is both unnerving and, for me, as distressing as all the hurt and betrayal caused by this scandal.

And that one thing is this: I think many of those in authority--priests, bishops, cardinals--are playing the game, talking the talk, being good administrators, saying the right things.

My fear is that there are many who don't actually believe what they are professing.

I know this shouldn't be surprising to me. After all, Paul calls the followers of Christ "fools" in the best sense of the word (1 Cor 4:10)--those who are completely committed and willing to lose face for the Kingdom. But because we are worldly, feeling like a fool in the eyes of the world can sting a little. It reminds us we have not truly left behind everything to follow Christ, but retain our friendship with the world. Who wants to be a fool anyway?

I learned quickly after becoming Catholic that there were "qualifiers" to the mandates of our faith. We are called to feed the hungry and clothe the naked--but not, like, literally. It is hard for the rich to enter the Kingdom, but, you know. We are called to enter into death with Christ. But let's not get carried away now.

When I read the Rod Dreher piece in the American Conservative about the "conservative" prelate who headed up the Napa Institute and the ensuing "call to holiness" to attendees, I could see myself as one of the gullible idiots who "actually believes this stuff." It may be a wake up call that renewal may not necessarily be coming from the Church hierarchy or from more parish programs, and that we would be holding our breath in thinking that. In these situations, anger and impatience is palpable. But if we are going to start a revolution, it will need to be a revolution of the spirit. And it will have to start from the inside-out.

That's why I feel such love and affinity for disciples like the supreme dodo, Mother Angelica. I do hope she is canonized, because we need more witnesses to a faith that puts in on the line. We're past the point of cultural Catholicism for sure. But we're even past the point of doing what's safe and comfortable and expecting a return on our dollar-fifty investment. We need more Mother Angelica's to show us what a "theology of risk" looks like.

"You want to do something for the Lord...do it. Whatever you feel needs to be done, even though you're shaking in your boots, you're scared to death--take the first step forward. The grace comes with that one step and you get the grace as you step. Being afraid is not a problem; it's doing nothing when you're afraid."

You might say, "well, not everyone is called to be saints." I don't understand you. I mean, I understand what you've been told, and I've heard the words before, but they do not compute. I was raised very conservatively--not with regards to politics or socially, but to eschew risk, to play it safe, to be careful. Such things have no place in the life of a disciple. We are called to be innocent as doves and wise as serpents, yes. But faith is a great gamble. You gamble with your life. You only have one life. It is a big gamble, but it's not reckless when you trust and have a relationship with the One you are willing to look like a fool for.

"I am convinced God is looking for dodoes. He found one: me! There are a lot of smart people out there who know it can't be done, so they don't do it. But a dodo doesn't know it can't be done. God uses dodoes: people who are willing to look ridiculous so God can do the miraculous."

What made Mother Angelica a "dodo?" I think it consisted of two things: she was herself, and she believed what was saying. Why would anyone profess this religion of ours without believing it? Prayer, mortification, self-sacrifice, poverty--none of it makes sense without belief, and is useless without it. Mother Angelica believed it, believed the words of our Savior, "ask and you will receive," (Mt 7:7) and "I will do anything you ask of me," (Jn 14:13). She BELIEVED! Hers is a high-stakes faith.

"He expects me to operate on a faith level, not a knowledge level. He expects me to operate--if I don't have the money, if I don't have the brains, if I don't have the talent--in faith. You know what faith is? Faith is one foot on the ground, one foot in the air, and a queasy feeling in the stomach."

Have our prelates forgotten their calling? Do they believe what they preach? I'm not sure. But I wonder how much of that underlies the current mess. If you don't really believe what you're pitching, how can you expect anyone else to? If you don't have faith, what is your career-oriented "religion" worth?

It can feel paralyzing as a member of the laity to exact any institutional change in something so insulated and far removed. I wouldn't know the first thing about "reforming the Curia." But I do know that all throughout history, reform came from bottom up, not top down. It started with an uneducated rabble of twelve. God sent the holy fool, St. Francis of Assisi to rebuild what had fallen into disrepair. During the upheaval of the Reformation, God drew up great saints to renew the Church: St Francis de Sales, St. Philip Neri, St. Thomas More, St. Teresa of Avila, St. Ignatius of Loyola.

You don't get anywhere without risking something. And we don't get anywhere without an army. The power doesn't rest in mighty ability or smarts or talent--it rests in FAITH in the ONE TRUE GOD who has the POWER to accomplish EVERYTHING! I have literally never made a convert in my entire life, and I may never. To devote my life, everything I have and am, to something that may never be accomplished in my lifetime--that is the mark of a pitiable fool.

No matter. We are fools for Christ, are we not? We may not be able to make converts or exact reform, but we can reform ourselves, can we not? And not just me, and not just you, but anyone, by the power of Christ, who gives the grace to those who ask to accomplish the work. It is so simple, so uncomplicated.

Even if our parish priests do not believe that sainthood is possible for your 'average Joe'--we will believe. Even if our bishops do not risk or suffer indignation for the Faith--we will risk, and suffer indignation for the Faith, for our Christ. Even if we live out a "revolution of one" in our own homes, having no examples around us to follow except the Jesus of the Gospels and the saints we read about in books, and never see the fruit, we can die with the assurance that we did not go comfortably or quietly to our graves.

That's a theology worth learning, a risk worth taking. That's belief in action, the ember of which will spark the revolution of saints, the renewal in the Church, and the fortification of final perseverance in the Last Days.

One foot on the ground

One foot in the air

A queasy feeling in the stomach

That's faith...for those who believe "these sorts of things."

"Everybody Has A Plan Until They Get Punched In The Mouth"

A few months ago I was following a thread about how people of faith would respond if faced with martyrdom. It generated some good discussion, but I couldn't help remembering the words of Peter to Jesus, "Even if I have to die with You, I will not deny You." All the disciples said the same thing too." (Mt 26:35)

And what does Peter do? Well, he does die for Christ, eventually. But not before denying him, not once, but three times. The disciples scatter when the soldiers come to arrest Jesus. One guy even leaves his underwear behind (Mk 14:52). Who was with Jesus in his last hour? Mary, his mother, the other Marys, and the disciple whom he loved--the strong and silent types.

Peter eats his words in a bitter shame, weeping over having said them with such bravado. But we should not overlook that while Peter does not die with Christ at his hour, he does go to his death for him at Peter's appointed time. This is, of course, after Pentecost, when Peter and the other disciples are given the grace and courage by the Holy Spirit to suffer and die, and to do it well. But their high-minded words prior to that are just that--words.

I appreciate quotes from the saints who have walked the walk and have the street cred to give credence to their words. I don't have much use for nicely crafted words from inspirational speakers making the daily memes for their social media postings. But every now and then I come across a blunt little nugget from someone having no intention of being a JV philosopher, and are not necessarily religious, but are just speaking from life experience. Life carries weight.

Mike Tyson was that guy this morning when I read his words, "Everybody has a plan until they get punched in the mouth." He spoke about the origins of that quote here:

"People were asking me [before a fight], 'What’s going to happen?,' " Tyson said. "They were talking about his style. 'He's going to give you a lot of lateral movement. He's going to move, he's going to dance. He's going to do this, do that.' I said, "Everybody has a plan until they get hit. Then, like a rat, they stop in fear and freeze.' "

Like a rat, they stop in fear and freeze. Can anybody relate to that? It's easy to talk a good game about dying for Christ and being a martyr, and we should in fact desire that. But I dread that day. A person wrote me the other day crediting me with some religious points for my interview on "The Journey Home" and asked if I agreed, and all I could tell him was that I can only identify with Peter who said to the Lord after sinking in the sea, "Depart from me Lord, for I am a sinful man" (Lk 5:8). Grace is the only thing I have. My faith is smaller than a mustard seed, by a lot. Grace keeps me from drowning. It's all I have.

I'm not used to being in the public eye, so to speak. It's a little disorienting. After the airing of the show I spent a good amount of time in prayer, arms extended like Moses to feel the burn, because I felt like I deserved a good smarting, a sharp thorn, like Paul, to keep my face close to the dirt. I was scared of it, and still am. I've seen big names fall. I've seen the devils shooting arrows at the saints on the ladder of divine ascent, and pride brings every one of them crashing through the rungs.

If you want to die for Christ, suffer for Christ, save your words. Sacrifice, but do it in private. Pray, and pray some more, with tears. Peter would tell you the same, I suspect. God will give you what you want when you are focused on Him. Just make sure it's what you really want. Converts are made my witness, not pastoral letters. Live your life as a witness. But go easy on the words and sable rattling, because you never know what that day is going to look like when it comes. Faith and character is proved by fire, as gold through the furnace.

"If you’re good and your plan is working," Tyson said, "somewhere during the duration of that, the outcome of that event you're involved in, you're going to get the wrath, the bad end of the stick. Let's see how you deal with it. Normally people don’t deal with it that well."

There's truth there. Sanctity doesn't come cheap, and nothing really goes according to plan. Stay focused, do the work in front of you, and roll with the punches so you can persevere to the end. Don't make an oath, just let your yes mean yes and your no mean no. Anything else is from the evil one (Mt 5:37). No one plans to get punched in the mouth, after all. How you respond when you do will be the mark that matters in the end.

Please pray for me.

In Too Deep

I just got back from the Courage International conference. Not having SSA, I have no idea why I was there, but the Lord said go, so I went. Bishop Seitz of El Paso and Bishop Olmsted of Phoenix celebrated Mass, I got to meet Fr. Bochanski and see my friend Joseph Sciambra and got to spend some time with Paul Darrow. Missed both talks because I just ended up talking with people at the conference.

Paul said something in our conversation about Courage being "the last domino" holding him in the Faith amidst a sea of gay-affirming ministries. At the conference, I got the impression that for many with SSA remaining Catholic, it was a lift raft amidst a world of damage that so easily draws people back. As he testifies to in the video he appeared in for Courage, he had everything and was deep in the gay world, both personally and professionally. He knew when he made the decision to appear in the film and give his testimony, he would lose it all, and there was no going back.

We reach a point in our lives when we get serious about the Faith where the Lord asks us if we are willing to be "marked" for His glory. The "hedging" we do when we are between two lives--the world/the flesh and the life of discipleship--is an uncomfortable one, and it should be, because it is not a place one can stay in for long. For Paul, initially he would drive to a church far from his home so no one he knew would see him, and was ashamed and would hide his watching of Mother Angelica on EWTN "the way you would hide a blowup doll."

It's an interesting conundrum--when you are living between two worlds (as I did for so long) you have no peace, but you can at least retain old friends, old habits, the privileges of life in the world. But when you become "marked" you can't claim those things anymore. As St. Augustine describes in Confessions about crossing over to the other side to Lady Continence, one foot must leave the shore and plant itself firmly on the other side, where Truth resides, in a horrifying moment of loss:

"The very toys of toys, and vanities of vanities, my ancient mistresses, still held me; they plucked my fleshy garment, and whispered softly, "Dost thou cast us off? and from that moment shall we no more be with thee for ever? and from that moment shall not this or that be lawful for thee for ever?" And what was it which they suggested in that I said, "this or that," what did they suggest, O my God? Let Thy mercy turn it away from the soul of Thy servant. What defilements did they suggest! what shame! And now I much less than half heard them, and not openly showing themselves and contradicting me, but muttering as it were behind my back, and privily plucking me, as I was departing, but to look back on them. Yet they did retard me, so that I hesitated to burst and shake myself free from them, and to spring over whither I was called; a violent habit saying to me, "Thinkest thou, thou canst live without them?"" (Confessions, VIII)

When you cross over, there is no going back. And suddenly there is peace, there is some rest, but there is also loss, though they are no losses worth mourning for too long. But once you've lost, there's no way back...no way at all. You are a man without a map, because you now walk by faith, led by the Savior's hand, only able to see one foot in front of you at a time. You're in too deep. There's no way back...no way at all.

But we have all had our Peter moments, haven't we? When we are marked by association, recognized, and thrice deny:

"Then they seized him and led him away, bringing him into the high priest's house, and Peter was following at a distance. And when they had kindled a fire in the middle of the courtyard and sat down together, Peter sat down among them. Then a servant girl, seeing him as he sat in the light and looking closely at him, said, “This man also was with him.” But he denied it, saying, “Woman, I do not know him.” And a little later someone else saw him and said, “You also are one of them.” But Peter said, “Man, I am not.” And after an interval of about an hour still another insisted, saying, “Certainly this man also was with him, for he too is a Galilean.” But Peter said, “Man, I do not know what you are talking about.” And immediately, while he was still speaking, the rooster crowed. And the Lord turned and looked at Peter. And Peter remembered the saying of the Lord, how he had said to him, “Before the rooster crows today, you will deny me three times.” And he went out and wept bitterly." (Lk 22:54-62)

In many ways, we are pre-Pentecost people. We say, with Peter in those days, "Even if I have to die with you, I will not deny you!" (Mk 14:31) and yet we do, every time we sin. We prefer the allures of comfort to suffering, our own way to the narrow way, retaining our goods and going away sad.

But this was not Peter's defining moment. Human, yes; but legacy-worthy, no. For Peter's legacy came the day he stood up after Pentecost--fearless, confident, and fully committed. He was marked by the Spirit, and went to his death never to deny Christ again.

I always joke with friends who are thinking of having kids, "there's a no-return policy with kids. You can't push them back in once they come out." For my wife and I, turning our fertility over to the Lord has been an exercise in dying to self and acting in trust and obedience, and our children become reminders, "marks" of the fact that we do not belong to ourselves anymore, the fruit of obedience, that they exist because we trusted. I write publicly, I will be on EWTN next week, and I have enough evidence to convict me in a court of law if ever brought before a tribunal who accuse me of saying, "you are a Christian, you are one of his disciples!"

Should I apostatize and deny it all, I have no recourse. My back is against the wall; I'm in too deep. But the temptation to lose faith is a landmine of the Enemy's, the grenades he lobs into the cave where you are praying to drive you out of it, the trip-lines he sets up along the path.

You cannot let go of the Lord's hand in these states. It is too dangerous. The casualties of apostasy litter the ground everywhere around us today--fallen away Catholics, blasphemers, atheists and agnostics. Churchy people talk about prayer as a nice and pleasant thing to do, but the reality for me at this point is I cling to prayer in desperation just to survive. If I don't pray, I die, and I do not survive the fall from the cliffs. I pray for humility, I pray for perseverance, I pray for purity of heart like a desperate, embarrassing man. I simply cannot afford to lose sight of the Lord for a moment, because when I do I am so off-kilter that I know a fall is coming.

So, prayer is not a nice and pleasant thing for me to do. I pray to survive. I pray to persevere to the bitter end, for the grace to endure what is coming to me, my due for being marked, for my conviction in court, for the day I appear before Him praying that I am not a stranger He does not recognize; praying for forgiveness for my faults, praying to forgive myself and the people who make it impossible to forgive, praying for miracles and big big things, praying for strength and steadfastness, to continue to be open to life, for my children to make it out alive, to see my wife in Heaven, to please, please God don't let me fall.

Prayer is not a nice hobby when you're back is against the wall, when you've taken the step to the other side and the bridge has fallen into the ravine behind you, when you're backed into an alley with no way back; prayer in these instances is dirty grit, and pure survival to endure to the end.

Converts Are Made By Witness, Not Pastoral Letters

Last night as I was doing the tedious work of painting the floor grout in the kitchen, after everyone had gone to bed, I was listening to a talk on Sensus Fidelium by Fr. John Echert on confronting the great Catholic crisis of our time. The talk--on the pernicious heresy of modernism, the homosexual factions in the seminaries in the seventies, and the marginalization of orthodox priests--was given three years ago, and is even more true today. He even makes a somewhat prophetic statement in the last minute of the talk about the upcoming synod that was spot on. As I went to the fridge to get something to eat I noticed a slight but off-smell; some black beans in the back had gone bad, making the fridge smell.

There is something rotten in the church. Those who stand up for Catholic teaching are thrown under the bus and left to fend for themselves. No one from above is coming to their rescue. Our bishops talk a good talk with their letters and their "strong statements" but would they take a beating, lay their life down for their sheep? In some countries they are outright subversive of orthodox teaching. There is something rotting in the church, and people are starting to notice the smell.

Today's Old Testament reading from the book of Daniel is one of my favorites. In it we see the firm witnesss of the youth--Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego--who refuse to bow down to worship the idol of Nebuchadnezzar, the King of Babylon. At first the King was pleased with them as government administrators, but when they refused to bow down and worship false gods he became enraged and ordered their death by fire. They reply “King Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand. But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.” They are thrown into the furnace but the Lord saves them; they do not die.

These are young men who know the God they serve. They politely and firmly take a stand against a king and refuse to bow down. Like young St. Jose Sanchez del Rio, who boldly broke the necks of the cocks fighting in the Lord's house and who stood firm against those blasphemers without fear, we need to trust the Lord to deliver us when we are called to be such witnesses. Do not get too comfortable, do not get too cozy.

You want to bring people to Christ? Take a stand. Be bold. Honor God, even with your very life. Refuse to bow. Something is rotten in the Church, and appeals to the top are not worth holding your breath for. It may take your life on line, and even then people may scroll past your story and you die in obscurity. No matter. The Lord sees.

Be faithful with what you have. Don't bow, don't cower. Answer the call in the way the Lord has called you. Converts are made by witness, not pastoral letters.

Christian Men, Take The Beating

A few months ago I started a book titled The Heavenly Man about Brother Yun, who became "a great fighter and a faithful worker" for Christ under a Communist government that suppressed Christianity. I was deeply moved and inspired by his witness to the Christian faith, and the hardships he endured, to bring Christ to others and in living for Him daily. His zeal, fortitude, and willingness to suffer for the faith and for those he ministered to reminded me of a modern day Paul. Do you recall what he wrote to the Church at Corinth regarding his 'street cred' earned by what he endured?

"Are they servants of Christ?—I speak as if insane—I more so; in far more labors, in far more imprisonments, beaten times without number, often in danger of death. Five times I received from the Jews thirty-nine lashes. Three times I was beaten with rods, once I was stoned, three times I was shipwrecked, a night and a day I have spent in the deep. I have been on frequent journeys, in dangers from rivers, dangers from robbers, dangers from my countrymen, dangers from the Gentiles, dangers in the city, dangers in the wilderness, dangers on the sea, dangers among false brethren; I have been in labor and hardship, through many sleepless nights, in hunger and thirst, often without food, in cold and exposure. Apart from such external things, there is the daily pressure on me of concern for all the churches. Who is weak without my being weak? Who is led into sin without my intense concern?" (2 Cor 11:23-29)

On Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, I was in the hospital with my wife waiting for our son to be born. I came across an essay sharing a perspective on what MLK's legacy meant to the author as a black man living today. I can't vouch for the website or the author, but what he wrote made an impression on me that day for whatever reason and offered a sharp perspective and opportunity for faithful Christians who take to heart the teachings of Jesus:

"They made black people experience the worst of the worst, collectively, that white people could dish out, and discover that it wasn't that bad. They taught black people how to take a beating—from the southern cops, from police dogs, from fire department hoses. They actually coached young people how to crouch, cover their heads with their arms and take the beating. They taught people how to go to jail, which terrified most decent people.  

And you know what? The worst of the worst, wasn't that bad. Once people had been beaten, had dogs sicced on them, had fire hoses sprayed on them, and been thrown in jail, you know what happened?

These magnificent young black people began singing freedom songs in jail.  

That, my friends, is what ended the terrorism of the south. Confronting your worst fears, living through it, and breaking out in a deep throated freedom song. The jailers knew they had lost when they beat the crap out of these young Negroes and the jailed, beaten young people began to sing joyously, first in one town then in another. This is what the writer, James Baldwin, captured like no other writer of the era.  

Please let this sink in. It wasn't marches or speeches. It was taking a severe beating, surviving and realizing that our fears were mostly illusory and that we were free."

When I was learning the Catholic faith, I studied the catechism, memorized prayers, and received sacramental initiation into the Body of Christ. When I was feeding the hungry, housing the homeless, and visiting those in prison after graduating college, I learned how to serve. When I was in grad school, I studied theologians and Church history, and acquired a lot of book and head knowledge. When I was an observer in a monastic community, I learned how to pray, how to work, how to fast, and how to read scripture.

But one lesson I have yet to be taught is how to take a beating. And this is a lesson that I think will be more and more necessary and invaluable in the coming years.

A beating can be, but isn't always, physical. You can endure a financial beating, a legal beating, a social beating at the hands of those trying to break you. Holding firm in the face of such oppression is not easy and requires endurance and fortitude, which we must pray for. But we as Christians who desire to follow Christ to Calvary could benefit from some practical teaching on how to endure in these situations. I have no experience, and I need to learn.

The Carmelite nuns of Compiègne by their calm witness at the time of their beheading helped put an end to the Reign of Terror during the French Revolution. St. Thomas More and St. John Fisher held the line on marriage against state opposition and were martyred during the English Reformation. St. Maximillian and St. Edith Stein died in concentration camps at the hands of the Nazis. The list of those who held the line and endured to the end goes on and on.

For most of us, though, the struggle comes from within, rather than outside of ourselves, and we struggle under the force of our own concupiscence. We succumb to our lusts rather than endure the discomfort of holding our bodies in check. We give in to our appetites rather than deny ourselves a few meals on Fridays. We complain and roll over in bed when we know we are being called to the sometimes arduous task of prayer. We divorce rather than endure the hard work of marriage and reconciliation. We refuse to endure in even these mild sufferings. How, then, can we expect to sustain our bodies under the pummel of fists and clubs?

Men of Christ, if you want to earn the crown of Life, you're going to have to learn mortification. Because if you are following Christ in this life--the same Christ who sweat blood in the Garden, was scourged at the pillar, was humiliated with a crown of thorns, who was forced to carry his own cross, and who died nailed to it--suffering will come. Love must be tough, and only those who endure to the end will be saved (Mt 24:13).

Once you've acquired the book knowledge, learned your prayers, and got your theology down, you might be wise to learn how to take a beating, first via mortification of the senses, and then by taking a stand: for the poor, for the vulnerable, for the persecuted, for the enslaved, for the unborn, for religious liberty, for Christ himself.

Once you learn your lessons, take the beating. Take it for your wives and your family. Take it for your faith. Take it for your brothers and sisters suffering with and for Christ across the globe. Put up your arms if you have to, protect your vital organs, but don't back down, and do whatever it takes to endure to the end. The crown of righteousness in store for you, bestowed by the righteous Judge Himself, awaits (2 Tim 4:8).