Read and Weep: What Contemporary Christians "Think" About Divorce and Remarriage

 For all the charges leveled against the Catholic Church about being Pharisaical and obsessed with rules, it can't hold a candle to the absolute chaos of sola scriptura "bible-based" Christianity. 

Exhibit A: My wife came across a post by the well-known Christian radio program Focus on the Family in her feed recently, which posed the question to their audience: 

Do you think it's okay to get remarried after a divorce? 

Let us know what you think! #marriage #remarried

 She told me the comments were driving her absolutely crazy, and that I had to see for myself. So I took a look and sure enough, she was right. I took a little sampling of screen shots to show you what I mean, which I think serves as a decent litmus for the Christian culture at large. 

Now granted, I don't think cultural Catholics are much better if the question had been posed to them. So this isn't necessarily to indict Evangelicals specifically, since the majority of Catholics can be just as theologically ignorant of both the Bible and exegesis in general. But I will say that in this particular dim sum sampling of responses the glaring deficiency of "scripture alone" private interpretation can easily be used to justify sin in direct contradiction to the literal words of Jesus in Scripture. I will provide some commentary for each of these randomly selected screenshot comments on the post to try to back up my point. 

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I have to give this first commenter credit: just a straight up, "Yes" to the question "is it ok to divorce and remarry?" 

Now, for those who may not be familiar with the scriptures or who may have glossed over the particular passage in which this very question is posed to our Lord in Matthew 19:9: "I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.” Adultery is a serious sin worthy of damnation. And because it will appear in the comments again and again, the "exception clause" that Protestants will typically ascribe to the translation of "sexual immortality" means "in cases of adultery." But this is not accurate, as Jimmy Akin points out here. 

Another interesting trend I noticed was the "insertion" of extra-biblical justifications for remarriage after divorce, such as above in cases of adultery "or abandonment." Mm, kay? For "Where Is That In The Bible?" Christians, I find that curious as "abandonment" appears nowhere in scripture as grounds for remarriage. 

I find the above line of thinking pretty permissive as well: "Yes, according to God's will" and the subsequent convoluted reasoning of "seeking guidance from God for permission to marry or remarry" which sounds pious but is really only self-serving and deluded, since it justifies sin. Of course, it is followed up by "only between one man and one woman" as a kind of orthodoxy chaser after the shot.

This comment above refers to justifying remarriage if "Christ wasn't at the center" of the first marriage. This could be a case of "being yoked to an unbeliever," but nowhere is that grounds for remarriage after divorce (adultery). 

The line of thinking above that "I don't believe God called us to be alone if divorced" is a common one, and that "God will not punish anyone that gets remarried?" How do you know that? "I don't believe" that God would do such and such is not a solid source when you are wagering your eternal salvation. And where is the cross in all this? Yes, being alone can be a burden. So can being celibate and "posessing your vessel" in integrity, as Paul exhorts one to do in 1 Thes 4. That does not give us a license to sin. I can't even. 

Here's someone who thinks the question is obviously a stupid one because OF COURSE IT IS!

This individual claims that "all sins are forgiven," presumably as a "get out of jail free" card using Christ's death on the cross as license. Maybe they forgot Paul's words in Romans 6:2, "shall I continue in sin so that grace may abound? Certainly not!" "There is no condemnation in Christ Jesus" is trotted out a lot when these situations make one uncomfortable with their lifestyle choices, and I think that is what is happening here as well. 

Here's someone above who states that "it depends on the circumstances." Again, there is no justification for divorce, and yet time and time again people will try to get out from under their vows doing exactly that.

This person states that "it's between the couple and God," which is line with the private interpretation/personal relationship ethos of Protestant Christianity. This very much neglects the fact that marriage is a public good and is witnessed to publicly as well. The "it's about consent between the two parties only" is what paved the way for gay marriage and further warped people's understanding of the proper means and ends of marriage. 

Again with the 'abandonment' reasoning, with an extra does of "abuse" as grounds for divorce and remarriage--neither of which are in the bible. 

It sucks that people get divorced. It sucks that people end up alone. It sucks that people get sick, become disabled, die. "People should have 2nd chances at love" doesn't want to accept the cross. Because we shouldn't have to suffer. 

Abuse. Adultery. Again, these are used as 'outs' in lieu of any authoritative teaching body (Magisterium) that is absent in Protestant Christianity. Anything goes when the interpretation of what God wills is up to you.

Again, sorry...abuse is not a biblically sanctioned event for remarriage after a divorce. 

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Is it any wonder that Satan--the great Deceiver--would wage his final battle on the field of marriage and family, as St. Lucia of Fatima predicted? Is it any wonder that Satan blinds people so they cannot see clearly and repeats his temptation in the Garden "Did God REALLY say?..." Again, I'm not signaling out Evangelicals specifically here, (as Catholics are just as guilty) only that they are just another canary in the cage for Christendom in the West and this particular thing online was cannon fodder. The justification of sin here baffles me, as our Lord's words could not be more clear. It is no wonder our Lord said the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few" (Mt 7:13-14).

Marriage may be hard, but it's not terribly complicated: One man. One woman. Open to Life. Freely consented to. Until death do you part. Anything else is not of the Spirit...and the Spirit does not deceive.  

Divorce Is Short-Sighted Suicide

I met with a buddy who is going through a divorce the other day for a few beers at the riverfront. He is not a Christian, nor is his wife, but he is a good friend. It's a typical story--his wife was not "happy" and sought happiness in the arms of someone else, probably as a sabotage "out"--and the divorce proceedings are pretty typical as well: mediation, division of assets, custody arrangement, etc. He was blindsighted and gutted at first, but is now accepting, dating and trying to get his finances in order, find a place to live, etc. I had given him a copy of my friend Leila's Impossible Marriages Redeemed about the story of people who have been through similar circumstances, but with the help of grace stood on their vows. It didn't make a difference in the end, as I expected. Most people who have decided on ending their marriages have their minds made up. 

As Christians, we should love what the Lord loves, and hate what He hates. And God hates divorce.

“For I hate divorce,” says the Lord, the God of Israel, “and him who covers his garment with violence,” says the Lord of armies. “So be careful about your spirit, that you do not deal treacherously.” (Mal 2:16)

Divorce is violent. It may not seem like it in otherwise "amicable" parting of ways. But you can't tear asunder what was seared together without violence.

Jesus tells the Jews, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning" (Mt 19:8). His disciples are taken aback, and reply “If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry" (Mt 19:10). 

Which is exactly what many Millenials are doing today. 

While it is true that the U.S. divorce rate has dropped eighteen percent from 2008 to 2016, Millenials co-habitating rather than tying the knot has contributed to this. The shocking fact is that the rate of divorce has more than doubled for people over 50 since 1990. These are people who should be entering the "golden years" of their lives and growing old together, but instead are abadonding their vows and inducing a surge in the rate of so-called "gray divorce."

One might think it admirable that divorcing after the kids a grown is a merciful act of love for children, but as my friend Leila also details in her previous book, Primal Loss: The Now-Adult Children of Divorce Speak, it's anything but. Adult children are as much if not more blindsided and affected by this betrayal. The pain and adverse effects are very real, but often pushed down and suppressed. It's "supposed" to be ok. It's supposed to be normal. 

But it's not. What's normal is making vows, staying true to them til death, and working through the crap life throws at you together, not abandoning ship. That's what vows are for--otherwise they are meaningless. There may be circumstances in which staying married may not be possible, but in many situations divorce, like contraception and abortion, is the tempting "out" based in convenience, not threats to life or well-being.

There are the spiritual elements of divorce--especially when one chooses to remarry and enter into adulterous relationships rather than remain divorce and remarried. But marriage is not a wholly spiritual affair. There are pragmatic considerations in getting married, and pragmatic considerations in getting divorced. One of which is financial. 

It shouldn't be underestimated, either. In these so-called "gray divorces," wealth drops by around 50%, and the standard of living for women plunges 45%. U.S. women 63 and older who went through a gray divorce have a poverty rate of 27%, more than any other group at that age, including widows, and nine times the rate of couples who stay married (3%). Not to mention the effects on health, depression, and the increased risk of suicide.   

Divorce is short-sighted, because, like suicide, we only see the pain and hardships we are in in the moment and can't see out. When presented with an "out" like taking one's life or ending one's marriage, most people will take it if anything to alleviate their short-term pain and feelings of being trapped. Our society is not comfortable with suffering. Maybe we should not hand someone a gun when they say they are feeling hopeless. 

No-fault divorce is this gun. Like drugs, it is a scourge on our society. It does not inspire virtue, does not teach delayed-gratification, does not inspire selflessness or endurance. Also like drugs, it is presented as a way to alleviate one's pain. But it only presents more problems, more unhappiness, and more sense of loss in the end. 

Why Faith Is Like A Marriage, and Why I Hold Out Hope For It

The person you love most can cut you the deepest. 

Anyone who has been married for a minute knows this. You literally mortgaged your entire life on this one person, this vow, this covenant, and living and loving them til death do you part. When you've shared a bed with someone for a year, ten years, half a century, you get to know them pretty well and vice versa. If you're a spiteful person, you have plenty of ammunition you can use against them. 

Though my wife and I have a good, healthy marriage, we are witnessing in friends the complete leveling of theirs. In sensitivity to the situation, I don't want to divulge details, but I can say that the entire foundation has been called into question, and while for years they had been superficially coasting with minimal blood traveling through restricted veins, an artery has ruptured in their marriage that has caused an proverbial aneurysm and brought it to the brink of collapse. Believe me when I say the issues are serious, and will take an enormous amount of investment and re-commitment to bring it back from the ledge. 

I said when I was on The Journey Home that when I came into the Church at the age of 18, I knew it was for life, and my 1st Communion and Confirmation felt like "walking down the aisle on my wedding day." So, I've always had this feeling that my relationship with the Church was not a fad, or a passing commitment, but literally a covenant. And it is fitting that the Lord recounts his relationship with his people throughout scripture in marital language. The Church is the spouse of Christ.

So, ok, in many ways both my wife and I have gone all chips in on each other, and all in on the Church as well. Because, as many Protestant Christians have trouble understanding, one's faith as a Catholic cannot essentially exist in any real way outside of the Church. It is a foreign concept that one could "love Christ and not the Church," any more than one could be truthful in saying he loved God but hated his brother (1 Jn 4:20). 

For some people who feel liberated by their recent throwing off of the shackles of the institutional Church--freedom from the gaslighting, the cognitive dissonance, the fear of the threat of eternal damnation--are making the claim that none of it is real, none of it true, and that the promulgation of Traditiones Custodes proves that it's nothing but bullshit. That those who stay in the Church are fools suffering from a kind of Stockholm Syndrom, especially since it's obvious at this point that the vicar of Christ himself is acting like an abusive father meeting out beatings. They feel vindicated by their escape, and the "I told you sos" from these religious pundits just feel like salt in the wound for the rest of us (who hold to the traditional faith and Mass) now having to contend with the "What nows?"   

For the first time in, I think, my history as a Catholic believer, the thought came to me, "What if they shut down the Latin Mass, and we just...stopped going?" Essentially, what if we just gave up, and said, "you know what, I don't believe any of this anymore." 

It's hard at this moment because we are dealing with the uncertainty of our future of worship, and also dealing with the existential questions and the pragmatic "where do we go on Sunday if this thing goes through" decisions that need to be made. And like many of those being crucified in their marriages who have the thought planted in their mind during those moments of insurmountable agony and betrayal: "what if I just leave the house for a pack of cigarettes, and don't come back?"

My friend Leila wrote a follow up book to her Primal Loss: The Adult Children of Divorce Speak. The book gave voice to those who had suffered from the trauma of divorce--that is, the children--but some readers expressed that that couldn't be where the story ended. And so she wrote Impossible Marriages Redeemed to tell the story of marriages that had been put up on the cross to be picked apart by ravens and yet did not come down off of it. By God's grace, many of these couples experienced a complete destruction and leveling of their marriage and yet refused to concede. They tied themselves to the mast of the ship, like Odysseus, and stuck to their vows by sheer force of will. And because they did not give up, but threw themselves on the mercy of God to save their marriage when they didn't know what else to do, God heard their desperate prayer and slowly brought it back from the dead. With man, this was impossible. But with God, all things are possible (Mt 19:26).

The promulgation of TC is a kind of humiliation, it feels like. All we want to do, as Catholics of the traditional persuasion, is to worship God in the fullest, most fitting way possible. Many of us can attest that it has borne good fruit, and is not (despite the gaslighting) rooted in a spirit of disobedience. Were the CDF to say tomorrow (today?): "You can no longer worship in this way?" many of us are faced with these decisions of "well, how are we to worship, then?" 

I think about Padre Pio a lot when he was forbidden to offer Mass, and how difficult and painful that must have been for him. But he accepted it as a crucifixion in obedience. I don't quite know if it's an apt comparison. But I wonder if many of us have been gliding along, superficially in our faith and worship, neglecting that if we are to follow Christ we are to be baptized into his death (Rom 6:3). What could be more painful then having the thing we care about most ripped away from us, and even more painfully so, not by a Communist government or a leftist mob, but by the Church herself? Like the spouse that knows us and our vulnerabilities.   

We may be on the eve of this period of uncertainty, liturgical wandering, and painful humiliation. And the threat of schism and defection to Orthodoxy and the SSPX may prove to be an extremely likely. When it comes to the Vatican's forecasting of who these traditionalists are a friend aptly said, "They are expecting college Republicans and they're getting the Maccabees."

And yet, for myself as the spiritual head of my household, I feel like the Lord is allowing this. This is not an accident, or outside of His will; nothing happens apart from His will! If we are going through a crucifixion of sorts, should we be surprised as if this was not a part of our discipleship. If the Lord is leveling His Church to the foundation the way He leveled the Temple, will He not rebuild it? Or do we not trust Him to guide us through this, and instead leave our marriage and forfeit the deepening of our faith and love in the Golden Years through the fiery trial (1 Pt 4:12)? We are people of the Resurrection, as St. Paul writes,  

    

"Now if Christ be preached, that he arose again from the dead, how do some among you say, that there is no resurrection of the dead? But if there be no resurrection of the dead, then Christ is not risen again. And if Christ be not risen again, then is our preaching vain, and your faith is also vain. Yea, and we are found false witnesses of God: because we have given testimony against God, that he hath raised up Christ; whom he hath not raised up, if the dead rise not again. For if the dead rise not again, neither is Christ risen again. And if Christ be not risen again, your faith is vain, for you are yet in your sins.Then they also that are fallen asleep in Christ, are perished. If in this life only we have hope in Christ, we are of all men most miserable.

But thanks be to God, who hath given us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore, my beloved brethren, be ye steadfast and unmoveable; always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that your labour is not in vain in the Lord." (1 Cor 15:12-19; 57-58)

I have hope. I must have hope to survive. If we go through dark times, we must then lean more on Christ to guide us in the dark. If we are stripped down liturgically, crowned with thorns, we are in good company. To the extent that the wheat is separated and the faithful are not blown away like chaff, that we endure our suffering and do not defect, we will be resurrected. If you don't believe that, just what then is your faith in the crucified Christ founded on? 

I don't know what God is doing but I lament and assent with Job "Though He slay me, yet I will TRUST IN HIM!" (Job 13:15).

Faith, Marriage, and Death By Divorce

 Last week I went to the bar to have a beer with a buddy of mine who has found himself newly separated, and was moving into an apartment that weekend. He's one of the first in my group of friends from my twenties to go through this; I'm sure he won't be the last. 

Out of respect, I don't want to go into any of the details of what has brought his family to this point, but I have been thinking about it all week. Though things look lost, there's still a chance to salvage and renew what is left of the marriage. Neither he nor his wife are people of faith, though, so I'm having trouble in talking with him of underscoring that core element that sustains many marriages during times of adversity. 

The only real advice I could give him was just to be a stubborn S.O.B. and refuse to concede his marriage to divorce. Simply don't sign anything. Heap coals upon her head by being faithful. I don't know how this works in the age of no-fault divorce, which has wrought untold damage to our society, and allowed people to walk away from their vows rendering them meaningless. But it's the only thing I could come up with. Fight. Fight for your kids sake. Fight for your vows. 

Our Lord uses the marriage analogy in scripture intentionally to relate himself to his people--Christ is the bridegroom, and the Church his bride. The bridegroom does not divorce his spouse, even when she is unfaithful, for God hates divorce (Mal 2:16). He commands Hosea marry the prostitute Gomer to illustrate the faithfulness of God to his harlot bride Israel.  

The thing about divorce, the more I read from those who have endured it as children, is how much it can affect the life of faith. Marriage is built on trust and faith by way of vows. When that floor drop out--esp in cases of infidelity or seemingly foolish 'throwing away' of lives built on something one thought was solid--children can start to doubt that God will always be there for them, since their father or mother wasn't. They believe that God cannot love in any permanent, unselfish way, because of what they see in their parents conceding to self-centeredness and putting their own needs first and backtracking on the promises they made. It is an absolute scandal and while I'll concede that some situations might warrant separation, the majority of divorces are simply based in self-centeredness. I wonder if parents knew the affect a divorce would have on their children years later, if they would still go through with it. 

A friend of mind edited a book in which she publishes the stories of adult children of divorce and how, even years later, it continues to affect them. I sent it to my buddy in the hopes it would sober him to the situation, that kids aren't always as resilient as they let on. I also sent him her followup book about marriages that were redeemed from the brink of divorce, often by grit and grace, and a refusal to give in to the temptation to divorce. This is one story from the first book, one of the more tragic and hard to read ones. I'll share it for the sake of those who haven't read it yet. The final battle, remember, will be over marriage and family, the last outpost of which Satan will try to overthrow the Kingdom of God.

Q. What effect has your parents’ divorce had on you?

A. My parents’ divorce has been pretty traumatic for me. I was 13 when my dad said he was leaving, and it was a huge shock, as we never thought that would happen to our family, especially after eight kids and over 25 years together—and after they had renewed their vows just a year before!

Although divorce was all around us in our extended family, we did not anticipate this happening to us at all. My family was involved in the Church and we all attended Mass weekly. My dad was a physics teacher at the all-boys Catholic high school, and that allowed us kids to get discounts on our Catholic education. With so many of us, my dad also worked as a janitor at our parish. My mom was a lector, my siblings were ushers, and my brother and I were altar servers. My mom and dad loved to sing and joined the prestigious Fatima Choir that operated out of another local Catholic parish.

My siblings and I never imagined that our parents, who had been together so long, after having so many kids and with such involvement in the Church, would ever just throw it all away. I was 13 years old and in 7th grade when my dad told us he was leaving my mom. At first he just told us things were “not working out,” and he was going to move out of the home. I assumed he’d be nearby, and we’d still see him. I later found out that he was leaving her for another woman who lived in another state—a woman he is still with but never married—and that we would almost never see him after that.

We stayed in our big, old house in a bad neighborhood, a bunch of vulnerable sheep now without a shepherd. A few years later, we were victims of a home invasion by some neighborhood thugs. My mom and oldest brother were home at the time; the criminals held a gun to my mom’s head and beat my brother very badly, dislocating his jaw in two places. We were, again, traumatized as a family. My mom, my little sister, and I ended up in an apartment across town, and the boys scattered to various apartments.

We kept going to church with our mom, but the divorce really changed how we saw God and life. Amazingly, despite being abandoned and depressed, my mom never lost her faith in God and remained very devoted to Jesus and Mary. I look back now at her life in complete admiration! She was an exemplary, saintly woman! But sadly, my faith, and that of most of my siblings, wavered tremendously.

My siblings and I all went through pagan, secular, hardly-believing-in-anything periods. In those years, we were hopeless, often aimless, depressed, and engaged in premarital sex. Some of my siblings have substance abuse problems, and others are on a multitude of prescription anti-depressants. I remember when I was in high school, someone from the Oprah Winfrey show called my mom and invited her to be on the show about families that break up after 25+ years of marriage (a cousin had given them her phone number). She politely declined and said she did not want to humiliate my dad on national TV. At the time, I was upset, because I was hoping for a free trip and a T-shirt or something, but I have later come to realize what an incredibly classy mom I had!

My oldest brother, who had been beaten by the thugs, later committed suicide. Within a year and a half, my mom was found dead in her apartment. She was only 57 and lived 12 years after the divorce—and I am certain that the trauma led to her early demise.

For many years after my dad moved away, I felt kind of like an “illegitimate” nobody. It felt as if all the 26 years he spent with my mom were, at least to him, a big mistake, a massive detour. I would often feel as if “I shouldn’t even exist.” But thankfully, our mom always told us we were wonderful gifts from God; that we were, in fact, meant to be. I really don’t know where any of us would be if we didn’t have that profound motherly love. As I have come back into the Church, I am often struck by her wisdom and see the logic in all the things she was trying to do. I am so thankful to be alive, and I hope my story will help others who are going through things like this.

My dad is still alive, and one of my brothers (who has had difficulty keeping a job and has abused drugs) is living in his basement. I do think my dad feels some remorse over the whole thing, but he feels like there is no way to fix it at this point. His girlfriend has suffered a brain aneurysm and needs constant medical attention, which my dad provides. I don’t talk to him much because it tends to make me feel bad. I’m sad we don’t have a good relationship and that I might not see him much before he dies. I worry about his eternal soul. May God have mercy on us all! 

Contributor #54

Female, 39 

Age at parents' divorce: 13

This reflection was made 26 years after the divorce.

Primal Loss: The Now-Adult Children of Divorce Speak 

The Threats To A Catholic Marriage

Yesterday I was reading a financial independence blog post I came across by way of Reddit that was, for once, refreshingly honest. The guy had FIRE'd (financial independence-retire early) in his late thirties and hadn't updated his blog in five years, mostly because he was "living the life" from 2016-2021 and, I presume, didn't feel like he had much to say. Then life took an unexpected turn, and he found himself divorced, diagnosed with a serious medical condition, and back in the workforce.

Life seemed grand at the start. With his new found time and leisure, he read, wrote, traveled, and did whatever he wanted. The author found, with time, he could not relate as much to his working friends, and vice versa. His then-wife had retired early with him. While he had planned and focused on this particular goal, his wife was having a harder time with it, and found herself unhappy, unfulfilled, and seemingly without purpose. She committed infidelity, and that was the end of the relationship. When he contracted an illness that he hadn't really planned for, it also threw a monkey-wrench in his nest egg spread-sheet aggregates, to the point where he decided going back to work was the best thing he could do. The author admits, with refreshing honesty as I noted, that sometimes you can't plan for life going the way you thought it would.

This isn't the first marriage I heard breaking up after early retirement. Two other popular financial bloggers I read experienced the same thing. These are all secular, left-leaning, non-religious types that hold personal fulfillment and happiness as the pen-ultimate goal in life. A kind of soft, civilized hedonism. 

Catholics and religious folk aren't immune to the threats of divorce. Though lower than the national average, CARA notes a 27% divorce rate for Catholics.

What makes Catholics different? Well, for one, there is a cultural-religious dissuasion against divorce, both in Scripture and Church teaching. Of course, one would have to believe in these teachings, that the Lord meant what he said and that the Church's teaching on the matter is for our ultimate salvation and well-being. But, again, life happens in ways we may not be able to anticipate, and we need to be prepared for that. Old age, sickness, poverty are why we have vows--the temptation to cut and run when they break onto the scene can be very great.

But how we go into a marriage beyond the vows themselves has a large determining factor in how we respond to these challenges and threats to marriage (which will inevitably come). And even if they weren't established from the get-go, there is always room and grace for renewal.

Though I'm no expert, noticing the threat of divorce in these three particular bloggers devoted to enjoying "their best lives" through financial independence, I thought it might be helpful to identify some of the threats we as Catholics may be susceptible to in our marriages, and their antidotes:

One-Foot-In (and No Plan B)

Anyone who goes into a marriage thinking they can simply leave when things get hard are disadvantaged from the start. This can seem reckless (not having a pre-nup, leaving oneself open to financial ruin, not knowing what the future holds, etc), but marriage is not meant to be temporary, but for life. Like following Christ, if you are putting your hand to the plow and looking back, you are not worthy of the calling of marriage, for in it one "leaves his father and mother and cleaves to his wife and they become one flesh" (Mt 19:5). It's simply too easy to be "subject to the test" when you give yourself an escape route from the start, or open up a door to it down the road. Which leads to the next point.

Apathy (and Stubborn Grit)

Most people do not wake up one day and decide to get divorced. It's often a slow-drift apart where bonds and connections are weakened over time, to the point when you feel like you may or may not know your spouse anymore. You may find the inconveniences and threats to your personal happiness and fulfillment are outweighing any potential gains from staying with your partner. Over time, you find you "just don't care" whether the marriage survives or doesn't. 

There's something to be said for grit in the life of faith, a kind of stubborn persistence and bull-headedness to persevere in times of trial, despite the cost. Sometimes the way isn't around, but through, which means taking a hard-line approach to care, work, and do whatever it takes to plow ahead, together. It may mean holding your spouses hand when you can't stand to look them in the face, or refusing to listen to those who counsel you towards divorcing and "finding yourself." It may mean counseling, or late nights; fighting is not always a bad thing, if it means it is keeping the lines of communication open. Essentially, it is a refusal to concede to the pressures (which may be temporary) to jump ship, when everything is telling you to do so.

Selfishness (and Selflessness)

The thing I noticed in the three bloggers and their former spouses above was that what they valued was "doing what works for you" and careful planning (often without children that mess everything up, or limiting them) to the point where the ultimate value was self-fulfillment. This is a death-knell to true marriage, since it operates on a faulty assumption; though marriage may fulfill one person by way of the other, it is not it's intended purpose. Christ taught us as disciples to serve, to wash feet, to die to ourselves. Seeking self-satisfaction at the expense of all else is a futile endeavor and a fools-errand. As true Christians know, it is in serving that we find the key to our fulfillment; in emptying ourselves, we are filled. When we lose our lives, we find them.

Marriage is the ultimate test of self-deferment. If you understand yourself as part of a one-flesh union, and also what Christ did for you on the cross, you begin to understand how love works--by emptying itself. Selfishness is a constant temptation in marriage, but often many marriages on the rocks have turned around not by waiting for the other spouse to change, but by changing oneself and exercising the will to act against its selfish nature. This is hard, like exercise. But love is not authentic without something to back it up. Our spouses often know and recognize when we are doing something for our own sake, or for theirs. It can be transformative, but it takes work.

Betrayal (and Forgiveness)

This can be one area where the rubber hits the road. As Christians, we know the grace that comes with forgiveness for our sins; the kicker is we are expected to extend that grace to forgive one another "seventy times seven." This doesn't mean being a doormat, or not setting appropriate boundaries. It can be an inner-crucifixion to realize the one who is laying you up on the cross is the one whom you loved the most, who was closest to you and betrayed your trust with a kiss. 

Sound familiar? Again, we are only able to forgive egregious sins because we have been forgiven of our egregiousness by God Himself. It happens by grace, with grit sometimes, and often a good amount of time. In any case, it doesn't come easy; but then again, nothing worth fighting for does. It can be the splitting of the Temple, so to speak. If worked through, though, it may bring up issues that were unforeseen previously, out of the darkness, so that they can be addressed and dealt with. You cannot love without forgiving, and by our humanness we screw up, inevitably. A betrayal may not always be in the form of infidelity, by the way. Trust is a delicate thing. But without forgiveness, we cannot live as Christians, and we become prisoners in our own cell.

Taking Things For Granted (and Gratefulness)

It's easy to take things for granted in a marriage, or taking your spouse themselves for granted; that they will always be there, or always forgive you or be able to provide for your needs. Nothing is guaranteed, not even our lives. Gratefulness is an exercise to take each moment, each day as a gift that we don't deserve, that is not owed to us; essentially, it's a shift in perspective from all the things that may be lacking, to all the things we have been given. It's an easy exercise in the sense that it doesn't take much to compile, even if it's 'lowest common denominator' stuff--like having running water, or a roof that doesn't leak--but it can also lead us into appreciating things about our spouse in a quantifiable way that we may not have seen previously, when one does it intentionally (making a list, for example). You often don't realize the value of something until it's gone--which it will be one day--so the earlier you can recognize it the better. 

Sexlessness (and The Marriage Debt)

Studies have shown that married people have more sex more often then single people. As they should. Sex when it is healthy is bonding and a way of expressing love that goes beyond words. But I've also heard of married couples going weeks, months, even years without being intimate--sometimes for valid reasons, some not so convincing. 

Sex can be a barometer for the health of a marriage. Conversely what happens outside the bedroom determines what goes on inside it. Saint Paul in 1 Cor 7:3 speaks to this, that husband and wife fulfill to one another the marital debt. This is because neither has authority over his body but yields it to the spouse (1 Cor 7:4). 

Pragmatically, I can only speak as a man to other men: always be conscious of fulfilling your wife. Be a gentleman, both outside the bedroom and in it. You should have enough, ahem, practice that you know her needs and how to delay yourself so that you 'hold the door for her' in bed, so to speak. Outside the bedroom, this may mean serving her or speaking to her love languages--just because your fulfillment and sense of being loved comes from sex (as is often the case), this may not be equally true for her. So find out what it is she likes--whether its a backrub, doing the dishes for her, or giving her a weekend to herself by taking the kids--and do it.

Wives, I know this is going to sound a little blunt, but sometimes the best thing you can do for your husband is go full Nike and "just do it." Even if you don't feel like it or would rather by crocheting or watching TV. Of course, there should be mutual respect in a marriage, but you may be surprised how far sex will go for a man's sense of fulfillment. That doesn't mean you're acting like an on-demand wife, or that you don't have limits or reasonable requests to the contrary. But if you understand that in this realm, men really aren't that complicated and that our appetites are relatively unrefined and simple, it can go a long way.

Another benefit of sex to marriage? Kids! Whether accidental (oops!) or planned, children go a long way in pushing you to your limits and giving a sense of shared goals and self-deference. They are also great at distracting you from too much navel-gazing. So have kids, have a bunch if you can, and don't look back. No one ever says, "I wish I could give them back."

 

Short Sightedness (and the Long Game)

When we bought our house I was resistant to the idea of moving at first, because it seemed to stretch us financially and was a hassle; it was easier just not to go through the whole process. My father gave a simple but good piece of advice: short-term stress for long term gain. 

When divorce becomes a temptation, it's often seen as an out to undesirable circumstances. One projects the current reality into a prolonged future scenario--"if I'm miserable now, I will always be miserable," or "if it's this hard now, it will only get harder." That may or may not be the case, but often people are surprised when they pull out and hold on, the "golden years" of marriage are the best yet. Plus you have the benefit of not being alone when you get old, sick, and/or die, you can pool your resources, provide comfort and companionship to one another, and learn and grow more than you may have in your early years. But that doesn't come when you jump ship, but only by patient endurance, those who finish the race to earn the crown (2 Tim 4:7).

The Demonic (and The Grace of the Sacrament)

When you are Catholic and see life through a spiritual lens, you realize there are forces working against marriage and the family, because marriage and family are good and virtuous things, and the Devil is the Father of lies. It may manifest itself by way of temptation or misfortune, but Our Lady of Fatima was clear: the final battle against Satan will be over marriage and family. 

Thankfully, as Catholics, matrimony is elevated to the dignity of a Sacrament, and with the Sacrament comes grace. I don't know how people survive life without faith, and grace is the oil that keeps the life of faith running smoothly. If marriage is important to you (and it should be), it's good to strengthen and fortify it with regular Mass attendance, the sacraments, prayer (both together and personal), and sacramentals. Ask for the intercession of our married saints, St. Joseph and the Holy Family, and fortify other Catholic families if you are able, as we all need support and one another. Make a retreat if you find it helpful, and pray for your spouse and children intentionally; fasting and doing penance for them is even better. 

As Catholics, we journey to Heaven as a collective. In marriage, we work to get our spouses to Heaven (often by giving them crosses, ha!) while working out our own salvation in fear and trembling as well. We are not fighting against flesh and blood, but powers and principalities. The sooner we realize this, the more we can develop a battle plan under the protection of Our Lady's mantle to make sure the Devil doesn't have the final say in our lives. 

Phew! That's a page-full. I'd love to hear from you. Feel free to comment for the good of those reading if you see other threats to a Catholic marriage, and the ways you have found to counter them. Or simply to ask for prayers and/or share your story. God bless you!

For The Love Of God, Stick It Out

I often tread a fine line in my writing-slash-blogging between the objective and the subjective. When I err too much on the side of the objective (the scholarly/theological/cultural, etc), I find myself a little out of my element. I'm not a scholar, nor am I a theologian, a pundit, or an expert in anything of any real significance. I don't have the time or aptitude for thoroughly researched and footnoted posts.

Most of the time by default, then, I end up writing about my experiences (ie, the subjective) as a Catholic, a father, a husband, and a disciple of Jesus Christ. I write about my faith and my wife and my family and our life, joys and struggles.

This comes with its own dangers. For one, I don't ever want to set myself as some kind of expert in anything. I may write about what I know, but that doesn't mean I know it all. If I write about the faith, it doesn't make me a saint. If I write about being a dad, it doesn't make me an all-star. If I write about marriage, believe me, it doesn't make me an expert.

Secondly, I don't want to expose my family to anything that would compromise us, and the internet can be a dark and creepy place. I've been encouraged to keep writing over the years, even and especially at times when I would rather keep a lower profile. Thankfully, most of the small and faithful who read this blog are, I would like to think, people of good will. That keeps me going, especially your prayers.

It's easy to lose sight of things, to think you're bigger or more influential than you are.  I've seen bloggers go from small and relatable to having huge followings. Some have handled it well, others I feel have lost touch and gone one of two routes: they either water down their message to not offend and attract larger audiences with frivolities; or they go hard line and uncompromising, since controversy and click baity titles stoke the stats.

In the end, it doesn't really matter much.

What does matter is the tangibles: Your actual faith, not what you package or market. Your actual marriage, not the veneer you present when on couples dinner dates with friends. Your actual relationship with your children, not how active they are in sports and music lessons and activities. And to the extent these things get compromised by the incidentals like being a public figure, blogger, or celebrity, your own busyness/workaholism, or a compromising personal situation with a member of the opposite sex, it may be wise to take the Matthew 5:29 approach--and amputate it, before irrevocable damage is done.

Every time I hear of a close friend (last week), acquaintance (periodically), or even a celebrity bloggers getting divorced, it always takes me by surprise. Most of the time, it feels like it comes out of the blue. I've found that by the time you pick up on things being bad, it's past the point of parties wanting to stick it out or work on it. And most of the time I had no idea. Most of my friends--I have no idea what kind of shape their marriages are in, if they are headed towards divorce, if they are stagnant and simply tolerating one another, or if things are healthy.

There are the social media facades, like the Watts family case, which was really disturbing. Today a personal finance blogger I've followed for a number of years, before he was famous, broke the news that he is getting divorced. Now, this is a liberal humanist environmentalist who espouses things like stoicism, efficiency, and hedonistic adaptation, without a covenant understanding of marriage, but it still took the winds out of my sails for some reason. I had no idea. I read through all 200+ comments on his blog and it was all people wishing him well, that they were sad for him but it's probably for the best. Most were divorced themselves, and touting divorce as traumatic but better than being in an unhappy marriage. Not one person argued for him to try sticking it out, that without knowing details of course but that maybe, just maybe, their reasons were not good enough for parting ways.

Even people of faith, people who should at least in theory have a covenant view of marriage, are not immune to divorce. I know it happens, I know there are reasons for it happening, but I still hate hearing about it. Part of it because you know the suffering ahead for the party, but also because it undermines your confidence in your own marriage, which up to that point may have been solid. If such-and-such couple or friends are throwing in the towel, what says you and your spouse won't either? Even if it's not likely or reasonable to think it, the spectre of doubt has been introduced.

I'm not interested in judging anyone, but I have never felt like I was in a position to be of help to someone in a troubled marriage. Most of the time the decision is already made. It is a small minority of those fighting the juggernaut of no-fault divorce. For those who want to stay and fight for their marriage, even in the wake of infidelity and/or some other kind of massive betrayal, they are fighting an uphill legal battle that does not support them. It truly is a David and Goliath situation.

My wife and I are coming up on nine years of marriage, a drop in the bucket of a lifetime. We are good and strong, but life can be funny and the future unknown. I think they best and simplest advice I read was from Catholic Answers on the topic of insulating your marriage from divorce, written by a Canon lawyer:

Pray Together

Eat Together

Play Together

Hold Hands 

I notice when I am not praying, when that has been put on the back burner, other things get compromised. If I'm not spending time with my spouse (like making time to have dinner together as a family), our relationship is not getting fuel or oxygen. When we're dour and snippy with each other, it's often because of stress and not having fun together. And it's hard to fight when you're holding hands (a good practice, if you can swing it, during those heated occasions. Feels counter-intuitive, but is effective)

Some Christian mom-blogger left her husband of 14 years to be with her lesbian lover and her ex-husband has this to say about the new family relationship to the WaPo:

“They’re lucky kids, to be surrounded by so much love. We have family dinners together — all six of us — and Abby cooks. (She is an AMAZING chef because Jesus loves me). We go to the kids’ school parties together. We are a modern, beautiful family. Our children are loved. So loved. And because of all of that love, they are brave.”

I don't know if that's how he really feels or if he's putting on a good face, but I find it gag-worthy. Enough with the PC-tripe. Kids want their moms and dads, together, whatever it takes. Marriage is hard, and is worth fighting for. I know there are some valid reasons for separation, but I like the Catholic Church's stance that ties you to the mast with your vows--til death do you part. It is hard. Thankfully I've known people who've been through hell in their marriages and have made it through to the other side by God's grace and with His help, and life together in their golden years is a testament to riding through the storms and living to tell the tale. They give me hope, when my hope gets shaken by friends, family, and acquaintances' marriages getting mowed down left and right by Satan's machine gun fire. He is out to destroy the family. It was revealed to the children at Fatima that this is his plan.

You can not fight if you do not pray. Pray for your spouse, and better, pray with your spouse. Pray for your children and bless them. Be stubborn, and be selfless. Fast. Devote yourself to the Holy Family. Amputate as necessary those things from your life that would compromise your marriage. Do everything in your power to stay married, and when your strength leaves you, throw yourself on the Cross. Just, whatever you do, for the love of God...stick it out.