Fred the Fireman, and the SAHD Dilemma

Can I admit something? I love my kids, but I hate being home with them all day, even for one day.

Now, I am not a stay-at-home dad, but I have had my tastes of it from time to time, get to 'try it on' for a day or two. We even talked about it early when the kids were really young--"you know, we're paying so much for daycare, maybe I should just stay home." After all, my wife brings home twice what I do, it (kind of) would make sense. It was tempting, but we never made the plunge.

Now, let me say straight off that I have no qualms about carrying my weight around the house. My wife works hard in a fairly stressful position, and I try to take as much off her shoulders as I can. That includes cooking every night, grocery shopping, laundry, etc. Typical Martha Stewart type stuff, but somebody still has to do it so whatever.

When the kids can't go to daycare on days like today, however, and I'm home with them all day, it's a different story. I find myself short-tempered, depressed, feeling emasculated (against my better judgment), and watching the minutes tick on the clock until my wife comes home. Then I check out, big time, as soon as she walks in the door. Sometimes I don't even have it in me to greet her.

I tried to do the usual "stay at home parent" stuff today, like taking them to Trader Joe's while I did some food shopping, and going to the playground. There was another mom there with her baby and toddler. It was kind of awkward.

I don't know why, (since I am not a full-time or even close to it stay-at-home dad and don't have to deal with this on a regular basis), but I googled "being a stay-at-home dad sucks" to make sense of the angry way I tend to feel on days when I am home all day with the kids.I came across some kind of Dear-Abbey type of blog where a woman wrote in with struggles in her marriage. She and her husband decided he would stay home (similar situation to ours), and he has been struggling with it. Most of the (women) responding in comments were (obviously) seeing the situation through a woman's eyes, and writing things like "he needs to see a doctor" "he's depressed" "he needs medication" "he may hurt you or your child" etc. Finally I ran across a comment from a guy, a firefighter named Fred, and he basically said it better than I could have:

"I disagree with pretty much all the advice given in this article and with the armchair psychologists replying. I am a full-time firefighter as well as the primary caregiver for my two little girls. I can tell you that I found this article by googling “being a stay at home dad sucks.” Due to my work shifts, I am able to be home, on average, four days during the week with the kids while my wife works her 9-5. I work with several men who do the same thing I do while their wives work (although a vast majority chose to work a second job instead of being home). 

After 4 years of this I can tell you that very few men are cut out for the stay-at-home-dad role. This has been my own experience as well as the experience of every other guy I work with that does the same thing I do. The same issues that stay-at-home-moms face (isolation, lack of stimulating activity) are even worse for men because there are just fewer dad’s out there than moms and really no other adults around to hang out with. Dad’s don’t go on “play dates” with their kids during the day because, lets face it, the other husbands in the neighborhood aren’t going to want some other guy hanging out with their wife while the kids play together. I wouldn’t want that either. The husband in this letter is probably depressed but he doesn’t need medication, a professional, or anything else suggested. HE NEEDS TO GET THE H**L OUT OF THE HOUSE AND GO BACK TO WORK. End of story. The guy feels completely trapped in his situation with no end in sight. Put the kids in daycare before this poor man loses his marbles or decides to take a nap in the garage with the doors closed and the car running. 

He is not a failure, he doesn’t have a mental condition, he’s a man who needs to get out and provide for his family for his own sanity. The days I am able to get out and work during the week are the only thing that keep me sane. I get to interact with other adults and solve real problems. I could not imagine having to be home 5 days a week with no way to stimulate my brain for years to come. I don’t care what anyone says, (most) men are not cut out to stay home with the kids and I’m not at all ashamed to say that I can’t wait until my kids start school so I can work more and do the other things I used to enjoy during the day. Every guy I work with in the same situation says the same exact thing.


Man, that made me feel better to read.

I realize some men are pushed into this role for a variety of circumstances. I don't think many men set their sights on being a SAHD--they usually settle for it because it's the best option. I'm generally in the "do what's best for your family" camp. But I'm going to go out on a limb and say for *most* men, they are probably going to really struggle with it because it's not natural for us. Even if my pay came out exactly equal to the cost of daycare, and working technically made no financial sense, I would probably choose to work for all the reasons Fred mentions above.

In fact, everything about being a stay-at-home parent is defined and constructed through a female paradigm. There are mom-blogs, Pinterest, mom-groups, sandwiches with the crusts cut off, etc. Men do not want to form stay-at-home dad groups the way women do. Men are MEN! Men are not women! I think that's the biggest shame and depression-inducing thing about being a SAHD--there's really no place for you: not in the mom's groups, and not in the men's groups. You're essentially alone and isolated, and that's enough to make anyone--man or woman--a little depressed, a little short-tempered.

Zoom out a little and this goes beyond just SAHD issues, but to a genuine crisis in masculinity among men today. Rite of passages are rare. Decent paying blue-collar jobs are hard to come by. Traditional forms of masculinity are frowned upon and discouraged, and no model has taken it's place. Self-sacrifice, marriage, and raising a family are pushed farther down the road, if at all. Women complain that there are slim pickings for eligible men, that they are all boys who play video games and live in their mother's basement and are addicted to porn.

This didn't happen overnight--it was a cultural response to being told "we're fine without you, you're not needed here." The erosion of the male psyche and the beating down of men has been a cultural force for a number of decades, and men are going to have to get it back if we have any hopes of our civilization surviving. I know this sounds old-fashion, but I think men really need to be able to work and provide. They need to be appreciated and needed and respected, and shown that they are respected and earn that respect. They need to be spiritual leaders in their household, and they need to stand up when they are called upon. And when they do, they need to give the only response appropriate: "That's just what men do."