It Is A Dreadful Thing to Fall Into The Hands Of The Living God

"How do you know whether it's God speaking to you, or just your own voice in your head?" my brother asked as we stopped to rest at a shelter. It was 2002, and we had driven up to Vermont over Thanksgiving to hike part of the Long Trail for the weekend. Everything was quiet, and a blanket of snow covered the ground. We were the only ones around.

At the time my brother posed the question, I hadn't been a Christian very long, so learning to discern the voice of God was new territory for me. Living with a mental illness made the issue of "voices in the head" a complicated one, as well. I was sensitive to trusting my suspect mind, which had betrayed me on so many occasions and given me reason to be wary.

Whereas in my life I acted on intuition, seeing the forest for the trees, and was pre-dominantly right-brained, my brother was an engineer and he approached things like this from a different, more systematic perspective. I was always kind of jealous of the engineers in college--I respected their well laid out path, their diligence in study, and their laser-focus in problem-solving. Pretty much my exact opposite. But for my brother, it seemed the things of faith posed a bit of a conundrum, as if they existed in another sphere.

I don't remember how I answered his question, but I hadn't forgotten the question posed fifteen years ago, and ask myself the same thing even today: how do we know when God is calling us to do something, go somewhere, speak to someone? How do we make sure we are doing God's will, and not our own, since "the greatest glory we can give God is to do his will in everything" (St Alphonsus de Liguori)? "Doing God's will" has a lofty, ethereal connotation but the reality is it plays itself out in the very concrete world of our daily lives and decisions. Every prophet and every major player in Scripture has experienced God's call and responded--sometimes immediately (Mt 4:19), sometimes reluctantly (Ex 4:10), sometimes even running away from it (Jonah 1:3)!

Recently I got myself into trouble. About six months ago I started feeling more and more comfortable in my life. I started praying, "Lord, send me into your harvest field. I want to be a worker in your vineyard. Prune me, so that I may bear fruit. Send me."

And then, as I was driving down Route 1 on my way home from work last week, between the Wawa and 322, I got a call.

My phone didn't ring. No one was in the car with me. There was no audible voice. I can only kind of describe it as a sudden kind of electric shock, a kind of spiritual morse code that spoke to my spirit and translated: "I need you to do something. I need you to go where I am sending you." I knew the time-sensitive situation. There was no ambiguity. There was just a call that demanded a response.

In the remaining leg of the drive home, I was simultaneously filled with excitement, joy, and dread. Now, I am kind of a naive and stupid person. When the Lord has called me to do something in the past, I have done it. When He said, "Buy this bus and live in it," I did. When He said, "give the shoes you are wearing to this homeless man," I did. When He said "write a not-so-small check to this person in need you have never met before", I did it. I don't know why or for what purpose, but I had gotten in the habit of saying 'yes' to God and it has lead to many adventures and many blessings of knowing His will better.

But this particular situation God was calling me to was especially daunting. It was costly, both financially and in other ways as well; it was physically grueling; it was intimidating; and it was unknown. I was to meet such and such a person at such and such a place at such and such a time, and I didn't know why. All I know is this person needed help, and the Lord was saying, "Go."

Now, this kind of thing happens every day for His purposes. I saw a video of two Catholic evangelists, young men my age, who take the call of God in their lives very seriously. They listen and respond, even when it seems crazy and they don't know why. It one instance, God gave them a vision of healing, that they were to meet a man of a certain description in the city, a man He would show them, and they were to pray over him and speak a word to him. They drove around the city until sure enough, they saw the man who fit the description. They spoke the word given to them to the man, and he knew exactly what they were talking about. They prayed over him and he was healed and released from his bondage. All because they heard the voice of God and did what He commanded, for "Blessed is he who hears the word of God and keeps it." (Lk 11:28)

Now, there are three things to keep in mind when God calls you that have been helpful to me:

One, God will not ask or tell you to do something that goes against His Word, the Bible. God is not going to ask you to do some terrible thing. It must be in accordance with His statutes and decrees.

Two, when God tells you to do something, He will open the way. In this particular situation, which seemed impossible, God opened doors. He sent me the right people to provide counsel, to make connections for material and corporal needs, and solved logistical complications that would prevent me from carrying out this particular calling. It was, quite frankly, somewhat miraculous, and made me trust Him even more to see what impossible things He can do to make a way.

Third, God talks to our spirit. In Scripture it says, "If today you hear His voice, harden not your heart." (Ps 95:1). He speaks in whispers, and when it is something He is truly calling us to, it will not go away, unless we are obstinate; he does not force His way with us, He respects our freedom. It feels like a kind of pressure, like something one has to do. It is more than just an idea, but rather an imperative. It is a feeling, but more than a feeling. It will go away if we say 'no' enough. I don't know how to describe it.


There are some other things I have had to change or be more attentive to after this.

-Regular, daily prayer has become indispensable. It's how I hear His voice. It's where I receive direction. If I'm not praying, I'm vulnerable. So are you.

-Distractions need to minimized. That means certain things I have been lax about--the music I listen to or the shows I watch, wasting time on the internet in frivolous things, and not being careful with my words--need to be tightened up.

-I need to make sure I am mentally healthy. This is particular to my state of being. I cannot afford any mental instability, and need to carefully discern the spirits and imperatives at work. I owe it to myself and my family to stay on top of that.

-I need to keep my eyes focused on the cross. As a priest told me recently: "Just remember--it doesn't cost anything to do bad. When you start doing good, that's when it costs you. A lot." The cross is the cost of love. Jesus instructs us to count the cost (Lk 14:28).

-I need to trust wise counsel. Thankfully those I have encountered who are faithful and with strong lives of prayer have encouraged me and provided an example of what it looks like to follow the Lord, even when it hurts, even when it costs. They have given a set of footprints to follow, and tips in order to stay faithful to the call in periods of doubt.


There is no shortage of adventure when you start to follow the Lord, because you never really know what's ahead, like headlights illuminating the way just in front of you, but not a mile down the road. If today you hear his voice, harden not your heart. (Ps 95:1). For eye has not seen and ear has not heard what God has prepared for those who love Him. (1 Cor 2:9)

For man says, "Show me and I will trust you." But God says, "Trust me and I will show you."