What Does It Mean To Be A Man?

This evening we were out to dinner with friends. The kids were playing on the playground outside as we waited for our food. My wife was sitting talking with her friend, and I ended up keeping an eye on the kids.

It was interesting to watch the differences between the boys and girls playing. The boys were rough, running the wrong way up the slides, crashing through people. The girls were quietly taking turns in line, and generally docile. I saw this when I taught 5th grade CCD as well. The boys couldn't sit still and I was always yelling at them, the girls were well behaved. I would suspect boys were 'punished' more just for being boys.

"I hate watching the kids, with all those playground moms," I later confessed to my wife on the drive home. "It's emasculating. You should be the one out there, not me."

"You're being an active parent," she replied.

"I guess."

What does it mean to be a man today? Nobody knows. At the university where I work there is a new department: the "Center For Healthy Masculinity." I assume it is a grant-funded position established to help address the rampant sexual assault that occurs on college campuses like ours. A woman in her late twenties is the "Director."

I find the implication insulting--that men need a woman to tell them how to be a man. And judging by the number of effeminate skinny jean wearing boys on campus, I suppose if a real man did step in to such a ridiculous position, it wouldn't be well received.

Some months ago I came across a Catholic 'man blog, I don't know how you would describe it; I guess it was like a forum or something. I found it pathetic. There were in depth reviews of various scotches, articles extolling beards, and discussion on smoking cigars. It was a caricature, the veneer of manhood (even then a kind of ridiculous one) without the soul. No doubt this was a well meaning effort to address the crisis of manhood that has been ushered in by feminism, but it was only the shell. Which begs the question then: what does it mean to be a man today?

Now I don't give a darn about beards, scotches, or cigars. But I am really serious about the transmission of the faith, and concerned it's not happening in the way it needs to in our culture to make an impact for future generations. There was an obscure Swedish study referenced in Touchstone that showed that the father attending religious services was the strongest indicator of whether or not the faith gets passed on down to the children.

So, men have to go to Mass. But if you ask most men, they are not comfortable there. I mean, they are there, which is good and necessary, but let's be honest...most Masses at most parishes in the U.S. are skewed towards women. Women dominate the parish ministries, the singing is emotive, many priests have a 'nurturing' quality to them, and it's just an overall feeling you get as a man like the one I had on the playground--I'm here, but there's something emasculating about this whole thing. It's a travesty, and I can't even necessarily blame men for not wanting to go to Mass. It's like a pill you swallow because you need to. Thank God for Jesus in the Eucharist at least.

Men share a common nature, but with various dispositions. I don't think there's should be one 'type' of man, a box to fit into. I certainly wouldn't. Feminism has thrust upon men things today our fathers and grandfathers never would have imagined doing. Yes, we cook, do laundry, help with kids and help around the house. But that's by necessity, mostly because for many men their wives are working and we are working and stuff just has to get done. I don't mind doing this stuff, sharing the load. After all, we are a team. Still, I'm not sure our current model is really good for men in the long run.

In many ways, the question of "how to be a man" has undergone the same fate as the question "what is marriage?" We are simply struggling to define in a clear and concise manner to young men today what it means to be a man.

Many men are alone and isolated. I used to think this was a problem needing addressing but I think it's just rather a fact worth recognizing. We need a good Confessor, and maybe one or two guys we can count on to get a beer with when needed. But support-groups, phone chats, etc...not so much. Maybe we (I) just need to buck up and recognize that we are on our own, and that's just how it is.

Men are not relational by nature. I do go to a men's bible study and find value in it, but sometimes I wonder if it's a little forced and awkward for some--the reflection, the talking and sharing. Objectively good things but maybe just not as natural for a man as for a woman.

I don't like to over complicate things, though. It doesn't deserve a dissertation or a forum to "discuss" it. Being a Christian man means two things: Duty and Sacrifice. Take that away from a man and you succeed in robbing him of the opportunity to earn that right.

So what does duty and sacrifice look like? Love your wives. Be faithful. Work hard. Protect your family. Be a provider to the best of your ability. Put your own needs aside. Serve and fight when needed. Mentor young men who don't have male figures in their lives. Die to yourself. Spend time on your knees in prayer, and don't invite sin into your household or your life. Stand up for the defenseless, make justice your sacrifice, and trust in the Lord (Ps 4:5).

Nothing wrong with beards, scotch, and cigars. Just make sure you're doing everything else as well. The passing on of the Faith depends on it.