Fasting, Parenting, and the Power of 'No'

My wife and I are pretty typical parents: we do our best to model our family on the ideals of our values and our faith--family dinners every night, prayers together, regular discipline, chores, and learning respect--while simultaneously trying to reconcile the fact that we don't always do this well and the reality doesn't always match the ideal. There is a lot of room for improvement, and we just pray we haven't messed our kids up too much and gotten into too many bad habits in these early years.

One of the biggest struggles that applies to parenting, but also extending beyond it to life in general, is exercising that short and powerfully hard little word used to put desire in its place, keep us from what has the potential to be harmful to our wellbeing, and delay gratification for a greater good down the line. 

The word, of course, is 'no.' 

Now I'm going to be the first to admit we are not good at saying no, to our detriment. We don't say no many times because it is hard, and we are tired, and we don't feel like dealing with indefatigable pushback from these two little 3'6" linebackers.  As our resolve is eroded away little by little, we downgrade our 'no' to 'fine' and shell out $5 for a pair of Beanie-boos or ice cream or what have you. It's not the worst thing in the world, but little by little in not holding the line we are setting into motion patterns that are hard to reverse later. Habits are hard to break. 

In the world of personal finance, the inability to exercise spending restraint and not budgeting leads to what is popularly termed 'borrowing from your future self.' My dad taught me about this, and it has stayed with me all these years. 

I'm reminded of the 'pain of no' whenever I am fasting or abstaining. I am probably the worst faster ever. Even with  a relatively relaxed and modified version (Two half meals, one full meal; or skipping a meal), I still a made painfully aware of my dependance on food and the pleasure I derive from eating...when I say 'no' to the act of eating. 

But fasting as a spiritual exercise isn't just about the 'no;' it's also about the 'yes.' They are also intrinsically linked--when we deny ourselves (such as food for a time), we 'make room' for other things (an opportunity to focus more acutely on God and His provisions; to offer up our suffering for the benefit of others; etc). When we as parents deny our children a glut of toys, it is not for the sake of saying No for No's sake...it is so they can appreciate more fully what they already have. The pain of denial is unattractive and difficult at first (which is why we don't do it) but can serve a good purpose for future gains.

It goes beyond fasting and toys, though, to the very heart of sin itself. The Devil can work on wearing us down to the point we get so tired and just wanting to be done with the pushback and uncomfortableness. Fasting and prayer are necessary training to say 'no' when the veiled attractiveness of sin presents itself, especially with regards to chastity. My twenties were such a struggle in this regard, since it felt just like a constant and never ending series of 'No's' that were arbitrarily imposed. Little did I know that the more I was tricked into 'giving in' to the sins of the flesh by the Enemy, the harder it is to master yourself and say 'yes' to your future spouse without reserve later in life without baggage. You ultimately lose in the long game when you succumb to the Devil's trickery.

We aren't perfect parents. We do get tired and we do give in. Same goes for our practices in prayer and spiritual disciplines. But it's good to remember that the "No's" serve a purpose for a greater good--No's now have the opportunity to lead to fuller Yes's later. When we see them not as arbitrary denials but tools for greater future good, that could be just the paradigm shift we need to hold the line when the melt downs ensue, the hunger pangs reach fever pitch, or the sin seems especially attractive.