Most of the time by default, then, I end up writing about my experiences (ie, the subjective) as a Catholic, a father, a husband, and a disciple of Jesus Christ. I write about my faith and my wife and my family and our life, joys and struggles.
This comes with its own dangers. For one, I don't ever want to set myself as some kind of expert in anything. I may write about what I know, but that doesn't mean I know it all. If I write about the faith, it doesn't make me a saint. If I write about being a dad, it doesn't make me an all-star. If I write about marriage, believe me, it doesn't make me an expert.
Secondly, I don't want to expose my family to anything that would compromise us, and the internet can be a dark and creepy place. I've been encouraged to keep writing over the years, even and especially at times when I would rather keep a lower profile. Thankfully, most of the small and faithful who read this blog are, I would like to think, people of good will. That keeps me going, especially your prayers.
It's easy to lose sight of things, to think you're bigger or more influential than you are. I've seen bloggers go from small and relatable to having huge followings. Some have handled it well, others I feel have lost touch and gone one of two routes: they either water down their message to not offend and attract larger audiences with frivolities; or they go hard line and uncompromising, since controversy and click baity titles stoke the stats.
In the end, it doesn't really matter much.
What does matter is the tangibles: Your actual faith, not what you package or market. Your actual marriage, not the veneer you present when on couples dinner dates with friends. Your actual relationship with your children, not how active they are in sports and music lessons and activities. And to the extent these things get compromised by the incidentals like being a public figure, blogger, or celebrity, your own busyness/workaholism, or a compromising personal situation with a member of the opposite sex, it may be wise to take the Matthew 5:29 approach--and amputate it, before irrevocable damage is done.
Every time I hear of a close friend (last week), acquaintance (periodically), or even a celebrity bloggers getting divorced, it always takes me by surprise. Most of the time, it feels like it comes out of the blue. I've found that by the time you pick up on things being bad, it's past the point of parties wanting to stick it out or work on it. And most of the time I had no idea. Most of my friends--I have no idea what kind of shape their marriages are in, if they are headed towards divorce, if they are stagnant and simply tolerating one another, or if things are healthy.
There are the social media facades, like the Watts family case, which was really disturbing. Today a personal finance blogger I've followed for a number of years, before he was famous, broke the news that he is getting divorced. Now, this is a liberal humanist environmentalist who espouses things like stoicism, efficiency, and hedonistic adaptation, without a covenant understanding of marriage, but it still took the winds out of my sails for some reason. I had no idea. I read through all 200+ comments on his blog and it was all people wishing him well, that they were sad for him but it's probably for the best. Most were divorced themselves, and touting divorce as traumatic but better than being in an unhappy marriage. Not one person argued for him to try sticking it out, that without knowing details of course but that maybe, just maybe, their reasons were not good enough for parting ways.
Even people of faith, people who should at least in theory have a covenant view of marriage, are not immune to divorce. I know it happens, I know there are reasons for it happening, but I still hate hearing about it. Part of it because you know the suffering ahead for the party, but also because it undermines your confidence in your own marriage, which up to that point may have been solid. If such-and-such couple or friends are throwing in the towel, what says you and your spouse won't either? Even if it's not likely or reasonable to think it, the spectre of doubt has been introduced.
I'm not interested in judging anyone, but I have never felt like I was in a position to be of help to someone in a troubled marriage. Most of the time the decision is already made. It is a small minority of those fighting the juggernaut of no-fault divorce. For those who want to stay and fight for their marriage, even in the wake of infidelity and/or some other kind of massive betrayal, they are fighting an uphill legal battle that does not support them. It truly is a David and Goliath situation.
My wife and I are coming up on nine years of marriage, a drop in the bucket of a lifetime. We are good and strong, but life can be funny and the future unknown. I think they best and simplest advice I read was from Catholic Answers on the topic of insulating your marriage from divorce, written by a Canon lawyer:
Pray Together
Eat Together
Play Together
Hold Hands
I notice when I am not praying, when that has been put on the back burner, other things get compromised. If I'm not spending time with my spouse (like making time to have dinner together as a family), our relationship is not getting fuel or oxygen. When we're dour and snippy with each other, it's often because of stress and not having fun together. And it's hard to fight when you're holding hands (a good practice, if you can swing it, during those heated occasions. Feels counter-intuitive, but is effective)
Some Christian mom-blogger left her husband of 14 years to be with her lesbian lover and her ex-husband has this to say about the new family relationship to the WaPo:
“They’re lucky kids, to be surrounded by so much love. We have family dinners together — all six of us — and Abby cooks. (She is an AMAZING chef because Jesus loves me). We go to the kids’ school parties together. We are a modern, beautiful family. Our children are loved. So loved. And because of all of that love, they are brave.”
I don't know if that's how he really feels or if he's putting on a good face, but I find it gag-worthy. Enough with the PC-tripe. Kids want their moms and dads, together, whatever it takes. Marriage is hard, and is worth fighting for. I know there are some valid reasons for separation, but I like the Catholic Church's stance that ties you to the mast with your vows--til death do you part. It is hard. Thankfully I've known people who've been through hell in their marriages and have made it through to the other side by God's grace and with His help, and life together in their golden years is a testament to riding through the storms and living to tell the tale. They give me hope, when my hope gets shaken by friends, family, and acquaintances' marriages getting mowed down left and right by Satan's machine gun fire. He is out to destroy the family. It was revealed to the children at Fatima that this is his plan.
You can not fight if you do not pray. Pray for your spouse, and better, pray with your spouse. Pray for your children and bless them. Be stubborn, and be selfless. Fast. Devote yourself to the Holy Family. Amputate as necessary those things from your life that would compromise your marriage. Do everything in your power to stay married, and when your strength leaves you, throw yourself on the Cross. Just, whatever you do, for the love of God...stick it out.
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