Anathema

 After reading Fr. Nix's "Several Reasons Why You Should Not Take The Jab" which he published today on his blog, and going through the check mark of things on this list (listed below), I felt like I needed to write. 

The reasons, summarized from his post (for expansion on the points, click link above):

1. It was made from cell lines from aborted babies.  

2. It might kill you.  

3. It is pushed by government coercion.  

4. It is going to be the first of dozens of jabs you need.  

5. It is not stopping COVID.  

6. It is not a vaccine but rather an “mRNA spike-protein inducer” that promises “cumulative damage and chronic inflammation to cells for years to come.” 

7. Fauci’s NIH has admitted to funding the Wuhan lab.  

Let me start by saying I have almost no friends anymore who are not Catholic or at least Christian people of faith. A good number of my friends are also traditional Catholics and everything that entails. I have many friends who, like Fr. Nix (who I consider a friend as well, albeit loosely) who are bulldogs of tenacity, a trait of digging into a position or stake of ground and not letting go that I admire. Probably because I don't possess that trait myself. 

 As I was sitting down to write this evening, I came across two proverbs; one from scripture, one from an unknown source. I had been thinking about them a lot. The first:

"The way of a fool is right in his own eyes: but he that is wise hearkeneth unto counsels." (Prov 12:15)

The second:

"A wise man changes his mind; a fool never will."

I am a story teller. It's what I do here. I am not a religious, an influencer, or anyone important. I don't have any authority or sway, and so it has always been my prerogative here and in my offline life to tell stories using myself as the subject, because I own the rights and don't have to ask permission. If it is of benefit to others, what a grace; please take it as a free gift. If it's not--if it causes scandal or leads one farther from Truth, then please go (but tell me first, in charity!) One of the freedoms of not being a person of prominence is I can make my own decisions and let you do the same, without feeling undue burden. We all need to make our own choices--moral, practical, financial, familial--and we all need to take responsibility for them.

I had also been thinking about the things Fr. Nix wrote. I don't disagree with them, and even if I did I'm sure he would have a pretty swift counter as he does so well. 

I've been thinking about my historical lack of prudence in putting myself in pretty dicey situations to follow the Lord where He leads--from crossing into Mexico and meeting an ex-con in a deportation shelter and traveling with him to meet his family in the middle of nowhere, to flying to Thailand to attend an 11 day silent Buddhist retreat in the middle of the jungle, to being engaged to an ex-exotic dancer/bartender/tattoo model...I could go on but you get the idea. Prudence is not one of my strong suits.

I had also been thinking about my mortality more. Not in the traditional sense of "I'm scared to die!" but "Lord, if you want to take me now, please do." This with a wife and three young kids as well. I'm not afraid to die. I don't want to suffer any more than the next guy, but I don't always make my decisions obsessed with how to prolong my life. Most days, I just want to be with the Lord. But it's often harder to live than to die. 

So, with all that being said, I made a decision to "take the jab" in April. My wife, a healthcare worker, did as well. No one coerced us. I didn't pore over hours of research. Much like the reasoning I used in discernment in moving my family to the Latin Mass to preserve my children's faith, it was a calculated risk, not any kind of silver bullet. I knew some people who were getting it and many who were not. To this day, I think people should be able to conscientiously make these choices for themselves. 

I'm not writing this to justify my decision, or get out from under the guilt I sometimes feel. I wasn't 'scared of COVID" or "scared of dying." If anything, I was somewhat brazen early on. I was initially very much against getting vaccinated; when I reflected on why, it was pretty simple--most of the people I know, and many I trust, were dead set against it. 

Somewhere along the way, I wanted to figure out my reasons for not wanting to "take the jab" and considered a court scenario where if I was put on the stand and asked simple questions such as "Sir, why did you decide against the jab?" and I would say something like, "Well, this priest said if I did I was complicit in the murder of innocents; it's a spike protein untested unapproved experimental gene therapy mRNA thing that alters your nucleotides or something like that; I just don't trust it, it's too new and I dont want to put foreign things in my body; plus the NWO is pushing it and if I do it's as bad as offering a pinch of incense to idols or Caesar." Etc. 

The fact was, though, that my reasons for not getting it--though potentially valid--I didn't feel would hold up in this court-hearing scenario. I have no beef with vaccines. Though this one is surely different, though? It probably is in some ways. Like I said, it was a calculated risk. I may see long-term adverse effects somewhere down the road (I had no immediate adverse effects from the shot, nor did my wife). But I figured that getting COVID, or long-COVID, was a risk too. Again, this is not something I lost sleep over or fretted about. I was not "living in fear" as many have said about others who were more concerned about the virus than I was. I had no ideological stake in the game. My father in law was sick and elderly, and my wife a healthcare worker, so it seemed...prudent. Again, I am not a prudent person by nature. 

The fact is, I didn't think much about it. I had the opportunity, I made an appointment, and it was over and done. I will take responsibility for that decision, and will have to answer for it at my individual judgment. I have no desire to take up this crusade either for or against this massive thing that dominates the news and has real implications to restrict freedom of choice, government coercion, etc. It has real implications for real people who choose to forgo "the jab"--loss of employment, travel bans, etc. To this point, it certainly does seem like a kind of soft communism Fr. Nix alludes to. 

At some point, this crusade got taken up as a litmus as to what kind of Catholic you are. Are you a "mask wearing" Catholic? Are you a "COVID denier?" Are you "scared of a little virus?" Are you "Anti-vaxx?" If you want to fit in, you learn how to speak, what to say and what not to say. I have told maybe four people in four months that I "took the jab." I have felt shame, not because of the decision itself, but because I am too sensitive to what people think. And I knew where most of the people I am friends with stand. 

I still remember the pain of losing my friend, early in my conversion 2.0, over Obergefell. He couldn't reconcile my evolution from supporting gay marriage to being against it, and affirming the lifestyle not as something indifferent or to be celebrated, but sinful--with our friendship. I never spoke to him again. And that was ok. It hurt, and I cried, but I understood. God was pruning and it hurt like a mf. But He does it for our good. 

It's very hard to know what to believe today. Who to listen to. Where to get your information. I'll be the first to admit I may not have made the right choice in "taking the jab." The older I've gotten, the less interested I am in judging others. That has extended to caring less about how I, too, am judged. 

For some people I know, this may be a hill to die on, and such a concession an anathema to any kind of friendship. For others, maybe not to so much. I'm not as concerned with that, or my standing as a Catholic. I wrote about the distraction at work by Satan's hand in Extra-Catholica. I do love my friends, so I hope they will forgive me. If they think less of me, or that it invalidates anything good I may have written or lived prior, that is not really my concern. 

Maybe there are other people like me out there--who feel like Catholic defectors, who may have wanted to resist the vax but coming up short on why with reasons that held water for them personally, who are not sure their standing now--does this make me a liberal? A traitor? A coward? I'm not a wise man, but I did change my mind. I don't know what that means exactly; but the responsibility is mine to live with. I share it now as permission to exit gracefully if you choose, I will not be offended! I will continue to write about the faith as our family lives it. And I still wish God would take my home tomorrow. 

These are not easy times to discern in, and I will be the first to admit I may have made a mistake. But I made it with the information I had, knowing and weighing various risks, and with a clean conscience. Judge as you must. I'll keep telling stories like I always have. I may not have mastered prudence in my lifetime. But I'll always be honest with you, I promise you that much.