I've heard it said that when we get one sin under control, it's like a game of whack-a-mole--another steps in to take it's place. This is the situation I find myself in currently. It feels that as my prayer life has increased and I've been more intentional about it, the Devil seems to be flanking me on my exposed side to try to get an inroad wherever he can. Currently, this is through the sin of anger, which is not a sin I normally deal with.
It feels like the Devil is planting these accusatory thoughts like bait--temptations towards anger and resentment towards my brother(s) (not my kin, but my neighbor). Some of this is due to disappointments and letdowns, but also misplaced expectations on my part. I know it is not necessarily the fault of my brothers and others in faith, as they haven't consciously sinned against me, but the opposite: I harbor anger/hatred (it seems like a strong word, but it's accurate, since the Lord says that anyone who hates his brother is a murderer), and it just seems to fester because there's no conscious "act" or visible action to confess and seek forgiveness from them for, as it says in scripture "if you are offering your gift at the altar and become conscious your brother has something against you, leave the gift there before the altar and go, be reconciled to your brother, and then come offer your gift"(Mt 5:21-24). I have taken this to confession but feel like I need to make concrete, embarrassing amends for the evil in my heart, by bringing it before my brothers and seeking forgiveness and reconciliation with them. Like steps 8 and 9 in AA (making a list of those you have wronged; making amends with those people). I don't know how else to purge these thoughts, but to bring them to light.
Here's the thing--I am preparing to spend three days alone upstate next month in retreat; it will be my second time at this hermitage. Because I have been so seemingly hurt, turned off, and disgusted with these failings and shortcomings as they relate to my brothers, I felt as if the solitude would be good respite and needed prayer time to get away from others.
But in re-visiting the work of St. John Cassian this afternoon, I realize I need to do something about this concealment of this sin of anger against my brothers before that time of retreat. From his treatise "On The Eight Vices" in the Philokalia:
"Self -reform and peace are not achieved through the patience which others show us, but through our own long- suffering towards our neighbor. When we try to escape the struggle for long-suffering by retreating into solitude, those unhealed passions we take there with us are merely hidden, not erased: for unless our passions are first purged, solitude and withdrawal from the world not only foster them but also keep them concealed, no longer allowing us to perceive what passion it is that enslaves us. On the contrary, they impose on us an illusion of virtue and persuade us to believe that we have achieved long-suffering and humility, because there is no one present to provoke and test us. But as soon as something happens which does arouse and challenge us, our hidden and previously unnoticed passions immediately break out like uncontrolled horses that have long been kept unexercised and idle, dragging their driver all the more violently and wildly to destruction. Our passions grow fiercer when left idle through lack of contact with other people. Even that shadow of patience and long-suffering which we thought we possessed while we mixed with our brethren is lost in our isolation through not being exercised.
If then we wish to receive the Lord's blessing we should restrain not only the outward expression of anger, but also angry thoughts. More beneficial than controlling our tongue in a moment of anger and refraining from angry words is purifying our heart from rancor and not harboring mahcious thoughts against our brethren. The Gospel teaches us to cut off the roots of our sins and not merely their fruits. When we have dug the root of anger out of our heart, we will no longer act with hatred or envy. 'Whoever hates his brother is a murderer' ( I John 3:15), for he kills him with the hatred in his mind." (pp 85-86)
It should be a warning to us all as well, especially those who are more solitary and struggle with people (I don't consider this a struggle of mine in particular, but for some it may be), that we not conceal or pave over these hidden sins with solitude as a recusement, even more so purporting it as virtue. It is easy to love from a distance, but very hard to do it up close.
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