This Mass Will Be Your Last

If I was ever diagnosed with a terminal illness, I've often wondered, how I would I react? Would I be filled with fear and dread? Regret? Or would I suddenly be seeing life here on earth in technicolor? 

I would hope, the day I received my death sentence, that it would be in many ways "the first day of the rest of my life." That it would not be viewed as "taking away" something, but infusing a great gift of grace into my life. 

I feel like I have been spending the majority of my life in preparation for that moment, and yet it remains elusive, like a can continually kicked down the road. I could have another ten, twenty, fifty years left here on earth, which to be honest fills me with weariness. St. Bernard of Clairvaux said, "How consoling it is to see a just man die! His death is good, because it ends his miseries; it is better still, because he begins a new life." 

Thomas a Kempis noted that it is even more dangerous to live long,

Alas! length of days doth not always better us, but often rather increaseth our sin. 

O that we had spent but one day in this world thoroughly well!

Many there are who reckon years of conversion; and yet slender is the fruit of amendment.

If to die be accounted dreadful, to live long may perhaps prove more dangerous. 

(Imitation of Christ, XXIII)

Like the early Christians awaiting the Parousia on the edge of their seat, as the weeks and months go on you eventually you start to doubt, perhaps, that Christ is going to be coming back in your lifetime. But when you were convinced he was, you lived each day on the cusp of Judgment as if it were your last.

Those who live with a constant surge of cortisol (stress hormone) throw their body and endocrine system out of whack. We weren't meant to live in that constant 'fight or flight' state continuously as we do in the modern age. What we are meant to do, however, is not presume upon a tomorrow, as scripture says (Ja 4:13-15). This is the "Beginner's Mind" approach to seeing the world anew, every morning--that your life is a gift, not something owed. That each breath you take is a privilege, not a right. 

It can be transformative to live in the "Sacrament of the Present Moment," as Fr. Jean Pierre de Caussade calls it. You take nothing for granted. Your only preoccupation, then, should be to live in a state of grace, accepting what comes from the hands of Providence (Mt 6:34), as if each day was your last on earth. We can enjoy the fruits of this Sacrament of the Present Moment as this story from the East illustrates from a somewhat different vantage point:

A man traveling across a field encountered a tiger. He fled, the tiger after him. Coming to a precipice, he caught hold of the root of a wild vine and swung himself down over the edge. The tiger sniffed at him from above. Trembling, the man looked down to where, far below, another tiger was waiting to eat him. Only the vine sustained him. Two mice, one white and one black, little by little started to gnaw away at the vine. The man saw a luscious strawberry near him. Grasping the vine with one hand, he plucked the strawberry with the other. How sweet it tasted!

The intimacy which takes place at the foot of Calvary during the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass, and the union with which we achieve with the reception of Holy Communion, can also be easily taken for granted. We speak about "having to go to Mass" on Sundays rather than having the privilege of assisting. We do not recollect adequately the state of union during the reception of Holy Communion with more than a few moments of silence. 

But what if this Mass you attend...what if it were the last Mass offered on earth? 

How would it change your disposition? To what extent would your hunger for the Lord burn? What would you sacrifice to be there? Like intimacy in a marriage, which can sometimes become commonplace and taken for granted over time, we find we have lost that "first love" of the Bride that quickened our pulse and took away our breath initially.

If we were told, "you have one month to live," would the world become lit up with color? Would the strawberry taste sweeter? Would our Communions become mystical? Would we be filled with fear and despair, or hope and joy? Perhaps this is a good litmus to keep in mind when we evaluate where we are on the narrow way.

We take our lives, our loves, and our Lord for granted with the presumption that we are owed a certain number of years, or the Mass, or good health, or what have you. The Lord in his desire that we fulfil the First Commandment to love Him with all our heart, mind, strength, and soul will take from us the idols of presumption, because He is a jealous God (Ex 20:5; 34:14; Deut 4:24). 

In his loving chastisement, He may take things from us. It may even be the Mass. For those He disciplines He loves (Heb 12:6). God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose (Rom 8:28). We have the chance to be born anew each day, to experience the Sacrament of the Present Moment, to view life through technicolor, to taste and see the goodness of the Lord (Ps 34:8). Let's not squander it. Assist at each Mass as if it were your last on earth!

Qu'est-ce que 'Ye'?

 

Kanye (now legally known as "Ye") West's 2004 album College Dropout rose to number 2 on the Billboard 200 at about the same time my feet were leaving earth and my mind entering the stratosphere of manic-psychosis. That I remember adopting West's Jesus Walks track on that album and playing it over and over in my apartment during that time is telling--there was something about 'Ye' that seemed to "get it." He saw things no one else saw. I didn't even know he was bi-polar until years later. I just knew it was a great album. Not genius as he claims, but really good.

That manic trip that led to my hospitalization was a wild ride--exciting, euphoric, unnerving, and eventually out of control. I never forgot that time in my life, and I also never want to relive it. As it stands now, a little blue pill (thanks "Big Pharma") keeps me in the mental black and allows me to live a more-or-less normal life. Normal is not bad. Normal is perfectly acceptable. I'm grateful for being on solid ground, mentally speaking, for over twelve years now. 

Which is why watching the Kanye interview with Lex Fridman was so difficult--triggering if you will--for me (admittedly, I couldn't make it through more than five minutes of it). Because it was all so familiar. 

For those unfamiliar with him, Lex Fridman is a young Russian-American, Artificial Intelligence researcher at M.I.T who also happens to have a pretty popular podcast in the vein of the Joe Rogan Experiece. He's a little on the cerebral dry side personality wise, but he's patient, non-judgmental, a good listener, and engages his guests thoughtfully--which is a good recipe for skillful interviews. Those skills would be put to the test when he had Kanye on his podcast recently.   

Not to judge by appearances, but Kanye came on looking (deliberately, I would wager) like he just got off a house-painting job--ball cap, rough beard, dirty-looking hoodie. He did not seem well, mentally speaking; it was all too familiar for me, personally. The thing about being "crazy" (I prefer the term "mentally ill") is it's very hard for anyone to break through to you in those moments. You are 100% convinced you are right, your judgment is sound, you are seeing clearly. 

I remember in the height of my mania, when my family and friends started to get the feeling that something wasn't right, sitting in a psychiatrists office talking about the CIA and how they were on to me, how no doctor or friend should attempt to derail me from my "mission," and why couldn't they "wake up" to what was "really going on?" I still remember the psychiatrist nodding and looking slightly tired and annoyed at the same time. For him, it was just another day at work having to deal with a delusional patient in the throws of mania. For me, it was the first day of the rest of my life. Everything was new. Everything was enlightenment.

I never felt Kanye was a genius by any stretch. I kind of saw him as a more arrogant, less jovial brother-from-another-mother whom I shared a diagnosis with who just happened to be rich and famous. His wasn't a shtick--he really believed in himself first and foremost, and everything he purported as gospel. Nothing really that original, just recycled ideas with a new stamp.

Unfortuantely, Kanye in his interview with Lex doesn't do the pro-life movement any favors. Yes, he bluntly forces the points that "50% of black deaths a year is actually abortion ... The most dangerous place for a black person in America is in their mother's stomach." Which is true. "It is factual that the CIA removed the leaders from the black community, put crack in the communities, put guns in the communities, and locked up all the leaders ... Locked up all the leaders, locked up all the fathers. Now, 72% of black mothers are raising children by themselves. This is an agenda, like a Tuskegee experiment, set on my people." I don't know about the CIA stuff, completely possible, but the statistic of 72% I had seen before.

He also goes on fairly early in the interview--again, somewhat out of left field and without context--"We are still in the Holocaust. A Jewish friend of mine said, 'Go visit the Holocaust Museum,' and my response was, let's visit our Holocaust Museum: Planned Parenthood," not realizing that Lex himself is Jewish. Would that/should that change how Kanye makes this point? Perhaps.     

My point is that he "spits this truth" inoganically, as if just spent a night googling "Conservative...Black....Abortion...Stats...Jews...Reddit" and made some mental notes before going on air. Or maybe his association with Candace Owens is rubbing off on him more lately?

Again, these inconvenient facts are not untrue. But in the context of the rambling, tangent-heavy monlogues in which he does not appear to be listening (unlike the interview with hip-hop producer Rick Rubin, who was completely thoughtful and articulate with Lex)--coupled with his remarks about "the Jews," the optics are horrible. Lex pushes back gently but forcefully, while still being respectful and desirous to salvage something of value for the audience in trying to tease out Kanye's humanness. I'm sure it was a tenuous and emotionally taxing thing for Lex to land that plane but he did it deftly as an interviewer, from the limited time I spent watching.

I remember not that long ago when the professional provocateur Milo Yiannopoulos was in the news all the time. Same for Ann Coultier. Now, you hardly hear about them. It's a short half life for these types of celebs. In the wake when people start to yawn at their verbal antics and they find themselves alone wondering what it is they actually believe and stand for when they are no longer in the spotlight, you would hope they grow, mature, and mellow out maybe. 

Mental illness is expensive. Kanye is already being dropped (or, if you like, "canceled") like a bad habit from sponsor after sponsor, bleeding out over a billion dollars reportedly from lost contracts, all over his white Yeezy sneakers. I can't say if I was Adidas I would necessarily want that look either. 

The thing is, I used to be in Kanye's shoes...without the fame and riches, and without the ethnic tyrades...but ill none the less. I lost friends on it's account. I lost loves. I lost jobs. I made a fool of myself, and was the last to know. Now I take a pill a day and it keeps me on the mental straight and narrow. It took years to find the right combination, and it took persistence to advocate for myself to tirate down from seven medications to just one eventually. Even that one pill, in terms of dosage, was a bit of a goldilocks scenario--too high a dose left me lethargic, too low a dose left me prone to mania. I've been on a "just right" dosage for twelve years now, and so far so good.

I don't know if Kanye is on medication, but he should give it a try maybe. Anything's better than what we got on Lex's podcast. It's a real cross, mental illness. But there is hope. There is healing. There is redemption. It is possible. 

But you have to have the humility to hit that shameful bottom and say "enough." Maybe I'm not the genius I thought I was. Maybe I'm not the Christian I thought I was. Maybe this life of fame is overrated. My life is a mess and I need professional help. The truth is not in the delusions of grandeur. It's not in the provocation and cliche fact-spitting. It's not in being a contrarian for the sake of contrarianism. 

In fact, the truth may not be in you at all. "For if anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he is deluding himself" (Gal 6:3).

Take care of yourself, Ye! Trust in the Lord, your deliverer, and let Him be the savior of the world. 

I Will Celebrate Before The LORD

 One of the great privileges of having a late night slot as an Adorer of the Blessed Sacrament is the possibility for unbridled intimacy. Once a week, from 11pm to midnight, I am alone with the Lord exposed under the guise of bread; there are typically no other visitors to the chapel during this hour.

Even so, my Adoration hour is typically how I would be in the presence of other people. Sometimes I read from Scripture, pray the rosary, or simply kneel or sit in silent meditation with the Lord, speaking from my heart. 

But this past week, on the heels of a retreat my wife and I attended earlier that day, I felt lead to take advantage of that alone time by verbalizing my (extemporaneous) prayer, praise, and supplication. That is, praying and speaking not just from the heart, but with my lips verbally.

It's a little strange, honestly. But divine intimacy in this manner--being unabashedly intimate with the Lord, like a child without social awareness, like the blind man calling out to the Son of David or the woman with the flow of blood who had the chutzpah to boldly reach out and touch the Lord of Lord's garment--is really a conduit of grace. I found it was like a bleed valve for a water heater or something, releasing that pent up spiritual pressure of always having to be so 'well-behaved' and composed in the company of others. 

I do love the passage in 2 Samuel in which David dances half-naked before the Lord in the Ark, and how his love for Yahweh Saboath overflows in unbridled praise and passion. Here is the verse, which I will break up and add commentary as it relates to this idea of "shameful dancing": 

David again brought together all the able young men of Israel—thirty thousand. He and all his men went to Baalah[a] in Judah to bring up from there the ark of God, which is called by the Name, the name of the Lord Almighty, who is enthroned between the cherubim on the ark. They set the ark of God on a new cart and brought it from the house of Abinadab, which was on the hill. Uzzah and Ahio, sons of Abinadab, were guiding the new cart with the ark of God on it, and Ahio was walking in front of it. David and all Israel were celebrating with all their might before the Lord, with castanets,[d] harps, lyres, timbrels, sistrums and cymbals.

When they came to the threshing floor of Nakon, Uzzah reached out and took hold of the ark of God, because the oxen stumbled. The Lord’s anger burned against Uzzah because of his irreverent act; therefore God struck him down, and he died there beside the ark of God.

Then David was angry because the Lord’s wrath had broken out against Uzzah, and to this day that place is called Perez Uzzah.

This is interesting. I have not read commentaries on this, and so don't have the context, but the idea that poor Uzzah was struck dead simply for tying to keep the Ark from falling seems harsh, doesn't it! It is sobering, but not out of line with the power of Yahweh, which should fill all men with awesome fear and trembling. 

The fact, too, that David becomes angry with the Lord on account of His wrath is interesting as well. David, the lover of the Lord, felt comfortable enough having these emotions directed to Him. And yet, as seen in the next passage, David also has that sober and appropriate fear of what the Lord is capable of, his great power and might. He decides to 'park' the ark in the house of this Gittite (maybe as a kind of test, to see the outcome of such a decision?), and Obed-Edom and his household is blessed. So David decides to bring the ark to the his city.

David was afraid of the Lord that day and said, “How can the ark of the Lord ever come to me?” He was not willing to take the ark of the Lord to be with him in the City of David. Instead, he took it to the house of Obed-Edom the Gittite. The ark of the Lord remained in the house of Obed-Edom the Gittite for three months, and the Lord blessed him and his entire household.

Now King David was told, “The Lord has blessed the household of Obed-Edom and everything he has, because of the ark of God.” So David went to bring up the ark of God from the house of Obed-Edom to the City of David with rejoicing. When those who were carrying the ark of the Lord had taken six steps, he sacrificed a bull and a fattened calf. Wearing a linen ephod, David was dancing before the Lord with all his might, while he and all Israel were bringing up the ark of the Lord with shouts and the sound of trumpets.

David's dancing "with all his might" would be a sight to behold. In the presence of God, one who sincerely loves him can struggle to restrain that love. We see this in the saints (St. Philip Neri's near-exploding heart, and St Teresa of Avila's ecstasies come to mind). And yet, as we see in the next verse, the daughter of Saul is disgusted by his unrestraint. 

As the ark of the Lord was entering the City of David, Michal daughter of Saul watched from a window. And when she saw King David leaping and dancing before the Lord, she despised him in her heart.

They brought the ark of the Lord and set it in its place inside the tent that David had pitched for it, and David sacrificed burnt offerings and fellowship offerings before the Lord. After he had finished sacrificing the burnt offerings and fellowship offerings, he blessed the people in the name of the Lord Almighty. Then he gave a loaf of bread, a cake of dates and a cake of raisins to each person in the whole crowd of Israelites, both men and women. And all the people went to their homes.

When Michal approaches David, pay attention to his response. He maintains that he is God's chosen; his confidence in God extends to his rightful vocation. His love for God compels him to celebrate. Not only that, but he promises to stoop even lower in unabashed expression of unrestrained worship to praise the Lord God almighty--his humiliation in his own eyes will be his elevation to those who view him. Amazing! This undignified king is so honest, so enraptures with the Lord of Hosts, that he strips and dances without a thought of his reputation or 'right conduct'

When David returned home to bless his household, Michal daughter of Saul came out to meet him and said, “How the king of Israel has distinguished himself today, going around half-naked in full view of the slave girls of his servants as any vulgar fellow would!”

David said to Michal, “It was before the Lord, who chose me rather than your father or anyone from his house when he appointed me ruler over the Lord’s people Israel—I will celebrate before the Lord. I will become even more undignified than this, and I will be humiliated in my own eyes. But by these slave girls you spoke of, I will be held in honor.”

Finally, we see the virility of David, and the frigid barrenness of Michal, reflected in verse 23 in their physical outcomes. 

And Michal daughter of Saul had no children to the day of her death. 

I think unchecked emotionalism when it is manufactured (as can sometimes happen in "praise and worship" congregations) should give us pause. But so should a stodgy formalism that despises those who abandon their masks and costumes in favor of intimacy with the Lord. The Lord honors those who fear him, but also to those who love Him He will not abandon. David was not wrong to dance before the Lord. He enjoyed that privileged place by his calling as King to do so. 

We also have that ability to be honest, humiliated, and forthright before the Lord of Hosts when we close the door and are alone with Him in prayer. We may not dance half-naked before the Lord in the Tabernacle--but if there were no one around to see at midnight on a weeknight, would it be so bad if we did so?

Top of the Sixth, Bottom Of The Ninth (and Tenth)

"Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife: nor his house, nor his field, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is his" (Deut 5:21).

If there was a Family Feud: Catholic Edition, Steve Harvey might pose the question to the contestants: "What Commandment do men confess to breaking the MOST?" Most people would intuitively answer "The Sixth Commandment." And they would most likely be right. As Our Lady told St. Jacinta of Fatima, “The sins which cause most souls to go to hell are the sins of the flesh.” Sexual sin is a major problem for men, and difficult to get under wraps!

Ask any woman the same question, though, and unchastity may make the list, but as a collective it's most likely not near the top. I'm not a woman, but based on my observations I suspect a sin many women struggle with involves the 9th and 10th Commandment: jealousy, envy, and covetousness.

The Catechism links greed and envy (#2538-9): “Envy can lead to the worst crimes… It refers to the sadness at the sight of another’s good and the immoderate desire to acquire them for oneself. Envy is a form of sadness that comes from lack of charity.

But where does this sin of envy come from? For men, sins against the ninth and tenth Commandments are relatively straightforward. Generally speaking, men crave power and wealth more than women do; if they seek to acquire more in terms of goods, it is because of the kitchy adage: He who dies with the most toys wins. The sixth and ninth Commandments are linked, of course, since our Lord warned that "whoever looks a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart" (Mt 5:28).      

What about for women? I would wager that this happens more subtly, more internally, and is more weighted towards the inherent inward sadness more than the immoderate desire to acquire. Insecurity is a breeding ground for envy. New moms, and even some seasoned moms, face the temptation of comparison and when it is indulged, can lead to sin. This may involve projection, speculation, inane "mommy wars," or simply an inability to be secure in one's parenting abilities. Comparison poisons the well of contentment. 

A two-for-one consequence of this sin of envious sadness involves the close but distinct link between the ninth and tenth Commandments. For when a woman is preoccopied with what other women/moms/wives are doing, it may be less that she is "coveting another woman's husband," and more that her envious, preoccupatory sadness is crowding out the attention that should be reserved for her husband. This "mental absence" can contribute to an emotional (and sometimes physical) distancing from their husbands they might not even be aware of. Husbands must take ownership of their sexual faculties which are reserved for their own wives, of course. 

But wives, too, must be on guard against creating an environment in which they have put other 'things' in the seat which should be reserved for their husband. Wives are not directly responsible for their husband's sins. Yet, then again, why do men look outside the marriage chamber? Is it perhaps because they seek to be acknowledged, elevated, and yes, put first and given undivided attention by their spouse? And when she fails to do so, is she blameless? Were you to notice the danger of putting your children, your envy, your jealous sadness before your own husband...would you view this temptation to sin differently? "The heart of her husband trusteth in her, and he shall have no need of spoils" (Prov 31:11)

"Not that we dare to classify or compare ourselves with some of those who are commending themselves. But when they measure themselves by one another and compare themselves with one another, they are without understanding" (2 Cor 10:12). 

What is the antidote to this sin, the anticedent virtue which serves as the beachgrass which stabilizes the dunes and prevents erosion of the spirit? "Rejoice in your brother's progress and you will immediately give glory to God. Conquer envy by rejoicing in the merits of others" (St. John Chrysostom). And again, pursuant to the woman of worth's domain, King Lamuel notes (emphasis mine):

She is clothed with strength and dignity;

    she can laugh at the days to come.

 She speaks with wisdom,

    and faithful instruction is on her tongue.

 She watches over the affairs of her household

    and does not eat the bread of idleness.

Men, be on guard against the temptations of the flesh, that seek to drag you to Hell through voluptious seduction of the mind, laying traps and greasing the skids with the oil of covetedness. Keep custody of your eyes, your members, and your heart!

But women, you too must be on guard against temptations of petty jealousy, envy of other women, of sadness at the state of others' good affairs, of comparison and looking outside your own sphere of the home! This usurpation, renting out the room which should be reserved for your husband and family inoculates the bacteria of unchastity in the home and enthrones a kind of Jezebel spirit which sows seeds of dischord and strife where there should be good order and peace. 

Resist this spirit! Focus on your own spouse, your own home, your own affairs, your own business. As the old saying goes, comparisons will lead you to be either vain or bitter in the end; for there will always be greater and lesser persons than yourself. 

An Insight Into Why People Hate Traditional Catholics

 Every now and then I like to leave the bubble and get some air with a brisk walk to the other side of the fence. It may involve reading an article at the Huffington Post, interacting with a secular neighbor, or watching a clip at CNN. Why? Perspective. I realize that the way we think and act as homeschooling, Latin-Mass attending, all-in Catholics is a very thin slice of the cultural pie, and it doesn't hurt to keep tabs on how people think and act outside of our circle. 

A book I'm reading right now is The Christians As The Romans Saw Them by Robert L. Wilken. We take for granted the fact that Christendom colors everything since we are now more than two thousand years after the birth of Christ, and Christianity is one of the predominant religions in the world. But in the first century AD, it was still more or less an esoteric cult operating in a traditionally established culture (in this case, the Roman Empire). Dr. Wilken attempts to portray pagan criticism of Christianity from those pagan sources directly. "I am convinced that the perceptions of outsiders tell us something significant about the character of the Christian movement,” he writes, “and that without the views of those who made up the world in which Christianity grew to maturity, we will never understand what Christianity was or is."

From the writings in the first chapter of Pliny, a young middle-management Roman bureaucrat and provincial governor, we see that many Romans in the first and second century with an outsider's view of Christianity regarded their own handed down worship (paganism) the "traditional (civil) religion," and regarded Christanity as a "foreign cult of superstition." 

According to Plutarch, the superstitious person does not use his intelligence in thinking about the gods, but instead creates fearful images and horrible apparitions that lead to bizarre and extreme behavior (61). For pious Romans of the day, to be "religious" or "religiously conservative" (as they considered themselves to be) was to be respectable and decent...accepting practices handed down by tradition. Christianity was none of these things, at least during these early centuries. 

Pliny carried out his civic duty as governor of Bithynia-Pontus--that is, of keeping order in his jurisdiction--with a mind towards fairness and appropriate justice. Often, this resulted in execution of Christians for simply being Christians. "Whatever the nature of their admission, I am convinced that their stubborness and unshakable obstinacy (contumacia) ought not to go unpunished" (23). Contempt and defiance of a magistrate was sufficient grounds for punishment.

Already, we see the character of some of the early Christians from these outside sources emerging. They were a "problem," a kind of new infection in traditional Roman society that officials felt were a threat to the existing (conservative) social order and had to be "dealt with." The "self-righteousness and arrogance" of the martyrs offended them. 

As modern Christians today we tend to view sympathetically the martyrs and followers of Christ in those early centuries...heroes in a way. From the Romans' perspective, however, Christians were not scapegoats of Nero but were legitimately punished because of their "hatred of the human race...their aloofness and disdain for the ways of others" (Celsus). The Christians "wall themselves off and break away from the rest of mankind" (Cels 8.2), and the words of their leader (Jesus) are seditious, since this factionalism is an apostasy from Judaism, as they saw it.

"Celsus is speaking about a revolt against the institutions of the Greco-Roman world, against the customs and traditions in the cities, against the wisdom which had been handed down for generations by wise men of old. Christians had contempt for these ancient and hallowed ways" (118)

It is in this context that I would like to speculate about why not only the world and the culture at large, but many invested in the post-conciliar Church, have such disdain for Traditionalists. Ironically, we can look at the words of our own Holy Father just a week ago, to surmise the sentiment and charge leveled against Traditional Catholics:

"'Traditionalism' is a form 'of a Pelagian selfishness that puts our own tastes and plans above the love that pleases God, the simple, humble and faithful love that Jesus asked of Peter." [It was the Council (the Second Vatican Council) which] rediscovered the living river of Tradition without remaining mired in traditions" 

Traditionalism--or 'looking backwards'--that longs for a bygone world are not evidence of love, but of infidelity" 

(homily at St. Peter's Basilica on the 60th Anniversary of Vatican II, 10 October, 2022)   

To the establishment Church--that is, the post-conciliar Church in which the last 60 years of novel and heavy ecclesiastical investment has been made--traditionalists are, to use the language of the Holy Father, "unfaithful." To transfer the language of the first century Romans, traditional Catholics are "superstitious," "contemptuous," "stubborn," "obstinate," "factional"...a "problem" that the Holy See feels the need to "deal with." 

Superstitious...because they believe in miracles, in the power of sacramentals, in transubstantiation, in the messages of the Virgin Mary.

Contemptous..because they resist the "Dictatorship of Relativism" (to quote then Cardinal Ratzinger) and teach their children to do the same.

Stubborn and obstinant...because they refuse to apostatize or compromise with sin and hold to the truth faith at great cost, up to and sometimes including torture, imprisonment, and death.

Factional...because they wish to worship the One True God not in anthropocentric novelty, but according to the faith of their tradition that they have been taught (2 Thes 2:15). 

A problem...not because of heterodoxy, but an orthodoxy that is an indictment to the offenders of Truth. Not because they do not believe, but because they do.

The charge of infidelity--to be unfaithful--leveled against traditional Catholics by their holy father is curious. What does it mean to be "unfaithful?" Is it possible to be "unfaithful" to the (post-conciliar) Church while faithful to Christ? Isn't this what Martin Luther sought to do? Are Traditionalists the "new Protestants" while Catholics such as our President and House Speaker represent the "faith of (their) fathers?"

It's all so bizarre, isn’t it? Christians who love the Lord, who want to give him the first fruits of worship, and do not compromise with sin have suddenly become despised for their obstinacy, become objects of contempt, and charged with being too superstitious. Maybe it is because they hold up a mirror, simply by their living and worship, to not only the culture (which is blind to its deformity), but the post-conciliar Church (whose prelates recognize a threat when they see one). For that reason, it should not be surprising that the words of our Lord should come to pass:

"You will be hated by everyone because of My name, but the one who perseveres to the end will be saved" (Jn 15:18). For "friendship with the world is enmity with God" (Ja 4:4)

The Sin That Does Not Lead To Death

 

With heating oil approaching $6/gallon in our area, I’ve been going back and forth with installing a wood stove, especially given there are decent tax credits for doing so and I’m always seeing free firewood from downed trees on Craigslist. Then again, I’d have to get my wife on board and she’s shown her cards with her recent offhanded comment when I brought it up: “I ain’t loading that thing.” Smh

Anyway, the thing about a wood stove is you have to be diligent about maintaining it. Emptying the ash pan, making sure you burn seasoned hardwoods, making sure your seals are in tact and dampers working, etc. and cleaning the chimney. 

That last one is a biggy. Creosote can build up in the chimney over time, and if you’re not careful it can start a chimney fire. Which can, of course, burn your house to the ground. Cleaning a chimney is kind of a pain the butt. But you gotta do it.

I was able to go to Confession yesterday before Mass, and though I have plenty to confess and go every two-four weeks, I’m basically going to the Lord for a “soot scrub” of the creosote which is venial sin. The more you let venial sin build up, the more susceptible you are to the flash chimney fire; I.e., falling into mortal sin.

Venial sin clogs the chimney of the soul with impurity and soot, but you still have a chimney. Mortal sin breaks our relationship with God and threatens to burn everything you care about to the ground. 

God can always rebuild your house, but why let things get to that point? Remaining in a state of grace does not mean we are unstained or perfected already, but it does mean that we are at least still in a state of friendship with God (even if that friendship is strained and weakened by venial sin). We should always strive to stay in this state. As Blessed Queen Blanche (mother of King St. Louis) told her son, “I would rather see you dead at my feet than commit a single mortal sin.”

Mortal sin can burn down the house, and a build up of venial sin can provide the fuel for combustion.  Performing regular Examinations of conscience combined with periodic confession of sins is good practice to prevent spiritual chimney fires. 

“All wrongdoing is sin, but there is a sin that does not lead to death.” 1 Jn 5:17

Pain In The Brain: The Effect and Cost of Trauma

I remember when I was attending a Protestant bible study years ago there was a guy who attended who was having all these strange and severe neurological issues. He seemed to be an "anxious-type" person, but he would recount going to doctor after doctor who were "unable to find anything physically wrong" with him. He seemed fixated on the fact that these temporary immobilizations and seizure-type activity were strictly physical and/or spiritual. 

I also recall when I was in my twenties being acquainted with a man in his sixties at the parish I was attending, a (repressed?) homosexual who suffered from fibromyalgia. He recounted to me that he was engaged to a woman at one point in his life; I only surmised he was probably gay, though he never outright admitted it. It was my first time hearing about this disease. A few years later I googled "fibromyalgia is a bullshit disease" and came across a some Reddit threads that wrote/ranted about the kinds of things everyone is thinking but not supposed to say out loud. Namely, that it's "not real."

I don't think that's quite true, but it's also not the whole story either. Emotional pain is real pain, and pain--as any doctor or nurse knows--is not objective in nature. What one person may be able to endure, another may be crippled by it. 

However, I think many people who suffer from this kind of phantom pain/chronic pain/fatigue issues may not realize that in many/most cases, it's not something physical at all that is causing the physical pain. In other words, while many people go to GPs to "figure out what's causing this," they may be better off visiting a psychologist. 

The economic burden of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)--if you want to consider that an umbrella term for many different types of trauma--is $232 billion annually in the U.S. [1] I have written in the past and made the case that pornography is not only a spiritual, but also a public health issue/crisis. We are not a healthy society, either physically, psychologically, or emotionally. When you think about how much sexual trauma is out there, a kind of silent corrosion in the spirits of many men, women, and children, and how pornography touches and causes so much second and third degree sexual deviancy and trauma (abuse, exploitation, divorce, etc), you realize that a large percentage of the population are the "walking wounded." Just because a wound is unseen doesn't mean it isn't real. 

Here's the thing though--for many people who grow up from childhood or early adulthood trauma, many don't even realize how they have been affected by it and thus remained unhealed, the latent trauma undealt with. And so it "comes out" in a myriad of ways. For young men, it can sometimes be violence or criminal activity, substance abuse, etc. For women, this can also be true, but additionally promiscuity, self-harm (cutting, eating disorders, etc) can be attempts to deal with the unseen emotional and psychic wounds inflicted. 

"When this response [fight or flight] remains highly activated in a child for an extended period of time without the calming influence of a supportive parent or adult figure, toxic stress occurs and can damage crucial neural connections in the developing brain." [2]

With regards to certain diseases like fibromyalgia (FMS), which seem to disproportionally affect women more than men, it appears that unresolved trauma plays a big part in the manifestation of chronic pain (Non-Specific; Not-Otherwise-Specified/NOS), chronic fatigue, inflammation, etc.  

"Although the etiology of FMS is still unknown, recent studies have shown that physical trauma and psychosocial stress factors may also play a role in the etiopathogenesis. Traumatic experiences such as emotional, physical, or sexual abuse are thought to be triggering factors in susceptible individuals for FMS." [3]

This appears to make sense. When we repress events that are psychologically painful, it will find a way out in one way or another--even physically. The mind and body are not separate, unrelated entities, just as the spirit is not separate from our minds and bodies either. When we are spiritually not in a state of grace, when sins we may not even be conscious of remain in us, this can manifest in how we live our lives and prevent the conduits of grace from being opened. When we have trauma--whether realized or unrealized--this can trigger physical responses that have emotional and psychological origins.   

Some trauma and PTSD cannot be avoided--such as natural disasters, war, etc--but much of the trauma we are dealing with as a society today--especially sexual trauma--has its root in human sin. As the saying goes, "hurt people hurt people." Sexual confusion, difficulties with commitment and trust, sexual violence, substance abuse--how much of this can be avoided by adopting a virtue and moral-based way of life that prioritizes healthy minds, hearts, bodies, and spirits?

It seems so obvious from an outsider looking in that there is more than meets the eye when it comes to chronic pain, and that one would benefit from seeking psychological healing in the hard work of therapy to deal with these unresolved wounds. But it's not always easy to see when you're in the midst of this pain, and so one may not even realize that their physical pain is more than just physical. Healing in this way can be a long road, and slow progress as well. We often want 'quick fixes,' pills, or diagnoses to make us feel like our pain is legitimate. My wife is an ER nurse and from the stories she tells me of those who come in, I'd say three quarters of those seeking treatment for various ailments have trauma at the root. We see the symptoms, not the causes. Sometimes the more comprehensive approach involves going deep and to the source, under a trained professional, to heal.

The Economic Case For Fasting

We all know fasting is an essential part of the Christian spiritual life. Our Lord noted that some demons are only driven out "with prayer and fasting" (Mt 17:21). Jesus himself fasted for forty days and nights in the desert without food (Mt 4:2) as spiritual preparation for his ministry. 

Catholics typically fast during the liturgical season of Lent to mirror this spiritual preparation of our Lord. The Church today prescribes a modest approach to fasting (2 half meals + 1 full meal, with no eating in between). For some this is a relatively pain-free endeavor, while others struggle with it more. We are typically used to eating whatever we want, when we want, and don't limit ourselves. Food is relatively cheap in the U.S. compared to a hundred years ago, when the food budget for the average American family was a higher percentage of take home pay (42% in 1900 vs 12% in 2003).

But with inflation running amuck, many families are starting to feel the pinch in their grocery budgets. It's hard not to get pissed off when you head to the grocery store and what cost you $150 a year ago is now topping $200. It's not imaginary, either. Food prices have risen over 11% from August 2021 to August 2022, according to the most recent Consumer Price Index report from the Bureau of Labor Statistics. 

Additionally, credit card debt has surged to try to account for the increase in cost in just about everything, with balances increasing $46 billion in the second quarter of 2022--a 5.5% increase from the first quarter. The average Annual Percentage Rate (APR) for all accounts in the third quarter of 2022 was over 16%! And with interest rates rising (which, in turn, increases credit card APR), that means it's easier to fall prey to a cycle of debt which can feel impossible to get out of without drastic measures. 

While we're talking stats, though, consider this: in America, a whopping 42% of adults are obese. Forty-two percent. That's incredible. Whether this is because of the type of food consumed, or the amount, may be debated. But the fact is, we have more fat stored in our bodies than we really need or know to do with. 

As with many things, what's old is new. Could the ancient practice of fasting--limiting food intake and restricting it to certain times of day--be a potential solution to our flattened wallets and unhealthy weight problem? I think so.

I lost over ten pounds over a month and a half while I fasted regularly during Lent. Of course the spiritual benefits were there as well, but the weight lost was a bit of a bonus track too. The funny thing is that when you develop a more disciplined habit of when, how, and how much you eat, your stomach tends to shrink a little so that you don't require as much to be satiated. The types of food consumed can play into this as well. Foods high in fiber and protein tend to "stick" more than foods high in carbohydrates (especially sugars and other 'cheap' calories). 

We could take a tip from the developing world as well to help stretch our food dollars if we incorporated more rice, lentils, beans, whole grains, and fresh (or frozen) vegetables. If we cut out so-called "snack foods" that we take for granted in the U.S., and just focused on eating either three full meals (dialing it back to the point where we are still slightly hungry when we finish our meal), or even two half meals and one full meal or a variation of that, we could stem the difference between what we were spending a year ago on groceries and what it costs now.

It does take some discipline and a little planning and forethought, though. But don't say it's not possible. My breakfast most days consists of Paw-paws (a fruit native to our region that is like a mix of mango and banana) that I foraged and froze last year, mixed in with a quarter cup of rolled oats, a tablespoon of hemp seeds, and a pat of butter. Total cost is maybe a dime per serving. I will sometimes skip lunch, but when I do have it I will sometimes do chicken broth (saved from cooking a whole chicken in the instant pot). Recently I picked up eight, 5 lb packs of chicken drumsticks at Giant the other day for $1 each ($.20/pound) using an app called Flashfood ; this is just one example of somewhat out-of-the-box ways to save on groceries in the present challenging environment we live in. I froze seven of the eight packs, and made Filipino chicken adobo that evening with the remaining package. 

If you don't know how to cook, you can learn. Keep it simple, healthy, and cheap (those three qualities are not mutually exclusive either). Youtube is your friend. Channels like Clara's Kitchen (aka, Great Depression Cooking) as one example are easily accessible and a treat to watch. It's not rocket-science.

Skipping a meal here and there, or waiting til noon to eat (and not eating past, say, 6pm in the evening) teaches your body to burn fat and can shrink your stomach as well so that you don't require as much food to feel full. Most of us (myself included) eat out of boredom, from stress or habit, and often occurs when we don't really have to eat. 

Getting in the habit of fasting, beyond the spiritual benefits, trains your body to do without, so that it's not such a shock to the system when you are forced into a situation in which food is not available. With the war in Ukraine, inflation, and volatile supply chains, it might not be a bad idea to start learning to fast now since the future is unknown. I'm not fully there yet, but I'm working towards it being a regular thing as I'm probably carrying fifteen pounds at the moment that I don't really need. It's good discipline for body and soul, and fits, evolutionarily speaking, with how we were meant to eat (feast/famine cycle).

Worst comes to worst, you try it for a month and go back to your normal way of doing things after that; no harm no foul. But if it sticks, you may find the practice of fasting give you a spiritual, physical, mental, and economic advantage over others, and may just help stretch your budget in a way that gets you through this economic hump we seem to be going through lately. 

̶S̶e̶x̶ Crisis Sells

 

When I was in high school, and before I was a Christian, I served as president of our school's Environmental Club. I remember doing sting-ops to expose how the contents of recycling bins would get thrown in the regular trash by maintenance workers, and campaigning to save the bison in the Article National Wildlife Refuge. The most concerning thing that kept me up at night, however, was "global warming" (aka, climate change). To say I was anxious about it, as well as our planet's imminent destruction would be accurate. 

I haven't given up all my ecological conscious choices--I still commute to work by bike whenever I can, compost, and take cold showers. But I'm hardly a zealot about it. I consider these relatively common-sense, do-what-you-can approaches to conservationism that should rest with the individual. I also think we could make smarter larger scale architectural choices to incorporate building practices that work with, rather than against, the natural envionment--things like passive solar heating and cooling, geothermal, natural building materials, etc. You can do these things in good conscience as a conservative without becoming a liberal eco-weenie.   

The thing is, I no longer worry about the destruction of the planet, whether or not the "science is settled" with regards to climate change. I attribute some of that to waking up to the fact that climate alarmists have been blowing this horn for over half a century now, and we're still here. I've also grown suspicious of the motives and agenda behind the "science." That isn't to deny that it may or may not be a thing, only that those in charge seem to be taking a cue from Winston Churchill that one should never "let a good crisis go to waste."

The best insight I read on this phenomenon of why the angry left is so angry (and perhaps, so anxious as well) came from a Federalist essay by the same title:

"Then there’s the fact that “Progressives” convince themselves that everything they’re doing is for the greater good, which supersedes the rights of any individual. It’s a case of “the humanitarian with the guillotine“: we’re doing this for the overall good of humanity, so it’s OK to start killing people. Or to be really, really mean to them in the comments field.

There’s the fact that advocacy of big government is by its very nature a quest for power and control, for the ability to use force against others—a cause that naturally attracts the bitter and intolerant.

I hate to say William F. Buckley was right, but I think it’s all about immanentizing the eschaton.

There are three basic views of what this ideal state is: the supernatural, the individual, and the social.

In its original context, for the traditional American Christian, the “eschaton” is supernatural: it is life in heaven. That means it’s something that will happen regardless of the state of this wicked world, and your place in it is dependent on you and your own inner spiritual state, not on other people. Hence the Christian’s confounded complacency. If I’m not on board with his religious vision, well, that sucks for me when the Rapture comes. Because my religious critic is a nice guy, he’ll pray that eventually I see the light and accept Jesus into my heart. But at the end of the day (or of history), it’s no skin off his soul.

For someone like me, who is not religious but an individualist, the ultimate end state I am seeking is in my own life. It’s about my family, my work, my home, my own personal interests. The goal I’m seeking is about things I have a lot of control over, much more than it is about other people. Politics is mostly just something that gets in the way of the real business of life. Our ideal end state is that we can reach the point where we’re able to think about our own lives and not have to care about politics any more.

For the secular leftist, the end state is social and necessarily political. It is all about getting everybody else on board and herding them into his imagined utopia. There are so many “problematic” aspects of life that need to be reengineered, so many vast social systems that need to be overthrown and replaced. But the rest of us are all screwing it up, all the time, through our greed, our denial, our apathy, our refusal to listen to him banging on about his tired socialist ideology.

For the Christian, the ideal end state is safely in the next world and therefore is never in doubt. For the individualist, it’s in his own life, and it’s mostly under his direct control. For the leftist, however, it is all outside his control. It requires other people, a lot of other people, and those SOBs usually refuse to cooperate. Talk about rage-inducing.

If the whole focus of your life is on getting everybody else to agree with you on every detail of your politics and adopt your plans for a perfect society, then you’re setting yourself up to be at war with most of the human race most of the time."

For the secular liberal for whom God is not real, climate change serves as a good stand in for the eschaton or parousia. They have the alarm going off, but they have no peace, no assurance, no comfort because they do not serve a living God, but an agenda which as Tracinski notes above, "it requires a lot of other SOBs who refuse to cooperate."  

(Catholic) Christians, however, do have the assurance of being able to say in the face of imminent destruction "I am saved, I am being saved, and I hope to be saved." This allows a degree of ardent zeal tempered by level-headed pragmatism: we will never get every one of those SOBs on board--so worry about yourself first and help others as you can to know where the bunker is. 

Of course, we can take things too far as Christians as well. There is no shortage of warnings from Our Lady and the saints and seers as to what is in store for us. The state of the Church is in disaray and the powers of Hell seem to be threatening to batter through her gates. 

But when has this not been the case? And what can you really do besides keeping yourself in a state of grace, praying the rosary every day, and trusting in the Lord's promises? Focusing on one's locus of control--despite the schismatic bishops in Germany, or the homosexual seminary pipeline in Latin America, or this or that scandal in the Vatican--keeps one grounded rather than being a Chicken Little. Yes, yes, we know the sky is falling. But we still have to get dinner on the table tonight!

The saying sex sells is an obvious point. But manufacturing and/or highlighteing crisis after crisis--whether ecological, ecclesial, or eschatalogical--to keep people on the edge is a useful way to turn a profit as well. Taylor Marshall has honed in on this years ago by this point, and has found his groove ad nauseum. Crisis magazine and The Remnant have some solid articles, but this is their M.O as well--the destruction of patriarchy, tradition, the Church, etc. We keep waiting for the Church to be hollowed out til she is nothing but a shell of her former self. 

And yet, as many a Communist head-of-state has found, these pesky saints of renewal keep crawling out from the crater of atomic destruction like cockroaches. Forces have been working to stamp out the Church for her entire history, and yet she is still here. Just like the planet, despite all the dire warnings of "population bombs," endangered species, and mass starvation. 

Catholics need to be mindful not to binge on fear-porn too often lest we become like these Chicken Little climate alarmists, but in another sphere. We are people of hope, people of joy, people who do not take refuge in anxiety and fear. If we should fear anything, it is at the level our own souls, as our Lord said,   

"Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell." (Mt 10:28)

My dad, though he was not overly-religious, always had a way of calming me down as a kid when I would get worked up about all the seemingly unsolveable problems of the world. He would simply assure me that we would "figure it out" as a human race. "We always do," he would say. My dad had a good bit of faith and trust in science, the markets, and human ingenuity to come out the other side. I don't know if I have that level of trust in those things in particular...but I know my trust in the Lord of all is not misplaced. "Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow....for tomorrow will worry about itself" (Mt 6:34). 

Related: There Is No Fear In Love

There Is No Fear In Love

As I approach the three month mark of being off the dogchain that is nicotine dependency, I feel like I am finally out of survival mode and am in a frame of mind in which I can reflect on the savage business of addiction with a bit more detachment.  And it is indeed a savage business, whatever goods you trade in.

You know you've reached a state of dependency with these things-- whether it be food, sex, alcohol, drugs, or simply dopamine--when you have moved from using them as a source of pleasure to using them as a way to mitigate the pain that comes with their absence. For addicts, this pain of periodic withdrawal from something your body has become dependent on is known as "dope sickness," and it can be very unpleasant, both physically and psychologically.

Nowhere is this psycho-spiritual portrait of enslavement so well captured as in St. Paul's seventh chapter in his epistle to the Romans.  

 "For we know that the law is spiritual; but I am carnal, sold under sin. For that which I work, I understand not. For I do not that good which I will; but the evil which I hate, that I do. If then I do that which I will not, I consent to the law, that it is good.

Now then it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me. For I know that there dwelleth not in me, that is to say, in my flesh, that which is good. For to will, is present with me; but to accomplish that which is good, I find not.

For the good which I will, I do not; but the evil which I will not, that I do.

Now if I do that which I will not, it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me.

I find then a law, that when I have a will to do good, evil is present with me.

For I am delighted with the law of God, according to the inward man: But I see another law in my members, fighting against the law of my mind, and captivating me in the law of sin, that is in my members.

Unhappy man that I am, who shall deliver me from the body of this death?" (Rom 7:14-24)

Amazing insight into the wretched state of man sold in sin. He knows what is good, but cannot carry it out. Something in him is working against the spirit. The law of concupicence so often overpowers the moral law of God, even when the will of man recognizes that the law of God is good. And not only trips up, but captivates man in the law of sin in his members. 

St. James paints a portrait of the birth of sin in the spirit of man as a kind of embryotic seed of death. "Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death" (Ja 1:15).

What does this mean, "desire has conceived, and gives birth to sin?" If we look back at Genesis 3, we see an allusion to this pregnancy of desire:

"When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it. Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves." (Gen 3:6-7).

In this case, the birth of knowledge comes from an illegitimate union; ie, the result of disobedience (sin). St. Paul again most likely has this in mind in his exhortation, when he says,

"But I do not know sin, but by the law; for I had not known concupiscence, if the law did not say: Thou shalt not covet.

But sin taking occasion by the commandment, wrought in me all manner of concupiscence. For without the law sin was dead.

And I lived some time without the law. But when the commandment came, sin revived,

And I died. And the commandment that was ordained to life, the same was found to be unto death to me.

For sin, taking occasion by the commandment, seduced me, and by it killed me.

Wherefore the law indeed is holy, and the commandment holy, and just, and good". (Rom 7:7-12)

But with whom was desire joined in coitus? Curiosity? Pride? This may be debated by exegetes, and is beyond this scope. But one thing I want to point out as well, is that when desire conceived and gave birth to sin, there was a conjoined twin that traveled through the canal, expelled into the world not unlike Jacob grabbing onto the heel of Esau. The name Jacob means "he grasps the heel" which is a Hebrew idiom for deceptive behavior. And that twin was fear. 

"Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the Lord God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the Lord God among the trees of the garden. But the Lord God called to the man, “Where are you?”

He answered, “I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid.” (Gen 3:8-10)

_________

If sin, born of desire, is indeed slavery, I want to make the case that slavery's modus operandi is fear. Sin and fear are like twin henchmen, a tag-team pair of boondock saints bent on destruction of the race by way of doubt, deception, and death. The skids are greased with fear first, at which point sin slides itself into the host to inject its legion seed. 

If man can be convinced that God is to be feared, and not to be trusted, he is more amenable to counterfeit agape.  The kind of "love" that promises and does not deliver, which withholds parts of the truth and conjoins it with lies, and creates an abusive co-dependency in which the host becomes convinced he cannot live without the source of his abuse.  

_________

As I mentioned above, addiction operates very much like this abusive co-dependent relationship between man and his deepest fear. A worldly addiction to substances mimics the spiritual slavery of sin.

For those addicted to alcohol or drugs, they cannot imagine life without the bottle or the needle and have been gaslit to believe that the solution to their problems is the bottle or the needle, when in fact it is the cause. 

Beyond that even deeper is the fear that they will, in fact, die without it. Maybe not literally, but in their consciousness, and not unlike an inversion of the lie of the serpent in the garden, who said "You will not certainly die." (Gen 3:4). Instead, he convinces the enslaved "You will certainly die" without X. His mind has been taken over, held hostage by the biggest stick in the slavemaster's toolshed: fear.  

 

----------

I came across three passages--two secular, and one spiritual--that I think illustrates well the psychological and spiritual power of fear and its usefulness in the realm of enslavement. But they also illustrate that this stronghold, as real as it can feel, is largely illusory. It's power of manipulation is strenghtened by obscurification of the truth; that is, if the guard can convince the prisoner he will never be able to escape convincingly enough, it doesn't matter that the cell door is actually unlocked. In other words, fear lives and feeds off lies. 

The first describes the slavery of human trafficking and how it is psychological perpeted: 

"Human trafficking, slavery, is not just about controlling someone’s body, their time, or their sexual behavior. Modern forms of slavery require that a human being can be put into a situation where their life depends on submitting to the domination of another person. In order to submit to violence and threat, the human mind must do a lot of mental gymnastics in order to convince itself that it is not under threat and therefore that it should not revolt. 

One horrendous consequence of mind control, as you can imagine, is that survivors, once out of slavery, start to think and feel like they are “losing their mind.” What are my thoughts and beliefs? Do I really like that? Wait, but everything I knew about the world is totally wrong. But it was all I knew. How do I trust anything else?

Slavery requires that people lose trust in themselves. If they can’t trust their own mind, their own capacities to defend themselves, to care for themselves, or to be autonomous people; they will sink into roles of dependency and, worse yet, feel helpless and hopeless. It requires that people lose their sense of identity. Slavery requires that people believe they are slaves, rather than treated as if they are slaves. Thus, as we continue to fight slavery, we need to ask: what leads people to believe they are slaves? No one comes to that belief on their own." [1]

The second is a passage I came across when I was writing my article, Christian Men, Take the Beating, which I felt the author of the essay talking about civil disobedience during the Civil Rights Movement described well, and which Christians could learn from:

"They made black people experience the worst of the worst, collectively, that white people could dish out, and discover that it wasn't that bad. They taught black people how to take a beating — from the southern cops, from police dogs, from fire department hoses.  They actually coached young people how to crouch, cover their heads with their arms and take the beating.  They taught people how to go to jail, which terrified most decent people.  

And you know what? The worst of the worst wasn't that bad.  Once people had been beaten, had dogs sicced on them, had fire hoses sprayed on them, and been thrown in jail, you know what happened?

These magnificent young black people began singing freedom songs in jail.  That, my friends, is what ended the terrorism of the south.  Confronting your worst fears, living through it, and breaking out in a deep-throated freedom song.  The jailers knew they had lost when they beat these young Negroes and the jailed, beaten young people began to sing joyously, first in one town then in another.  This is what the writer, James Baldwin, captured like no other writer of the era.  

Please let this sink in.  It wasn't marches or speeches. It was taking a severe beating, surviving and realizing that our fears were mostly illusory and that we were free." [2]

The third is from Book VIII of Augustine's Confessions, in which he describes his attempts to detox from the flesh, the allure of Lady Continenance, and the snagging of the trifles which kept him bound like a dog to the world:

"Thus was I sick and tormented, accusing myself far more severely than was my wont, tossing and turning me in my chain till that was utterly broken, whereby I now was but slightly, but still was held. And You, O Lord, pressed upon me in my inward parts by a severe mercy, redoubling the lashes of fear and shame, lest I should again give way, and that same slender remaining tie not being broken off, it should recover strength, and enchain me the faster. For I said mentally, Lo, let it be done now, let it be done now. And as I spoke, I all but came to a resolve. I all but did it, yet I did it not. Yet fell I not back to my old condition, but took up my position hard by, and drew breath. And I tried again, and wanted but very little of reaching it, and somewhat less, and then all but touched and grasped it; and yet came not at it, nor touched, nor grasped it, hesitating to die unto death, and to live unto life; and the worse, whereto I had been habituated, prevailed more with me than the better, which I had not tried. And the very moment in which I was to become another man, the nearer it approached me, the greater horror did it strike into me; but it did not strike me back, nor turn me aside, but kept me in suspense.

The very toys of toys, and vanities of vanities, my old mistresses, still enthralled me; they shook my fleshly garment, and whispered softly, Do you part with us? And from that moment shall we no more be with you for ever? And from that moment shall not this or that be lawful for you for ever? And what did they suggest to me in the words this or that? What is it that they suggested, O my God? Let Your mercy avert it from the soul of Your servant. What impurities did they suggest! What shame! And now I far less than half heard them, not openly showing themselves and contradicting me, but muttering, as it were, behind my back, and furtively plucking me as I was departing, to make me look back upon them. Yet they did delay me, so that I hesitated to burst and shake myself free from them, and to leap over whither I was called — an unruly habit saying to me, Do you think you can live without them?"

But now it said this very faintly; for on that side towards which I had set my face, and whither I trembled to go, did the chaste dignity of Continence appear unto me, cheerful, but not dissolutely gay, honestly alluring me to come and doubt nothing, and extending her holy hands, full of a multiplicity of good examples, to receive and embrace me. There were there so many young men and maidens, a multitude of youth and every age, grave widows and ancient virgins, and Continence herself in all, not barren, but a fruitful mother of children of joys, by You, O Lord, her Husband. And she smiled on me with an encouraging mockery, as if to say, Can you not do what these youths and maidens can? Or can one or other do it of themselves, and not rather in the Lord their God? The Lord their God gave me unto them. Why do you stand in your own strength, and so standest not? Cast yourself upon Him; fear not, He will not withdraw that you should fall; cast yourself upon Him without fear, He will receive you, and heal you. And I blushed beyond measure, for I still heard the muttering of those toys, and hung in suspense. And she again seemed to say, Shut up your ears against those unclean members of yours upon the earth, that they may be mortified. Colossians 3:5 They tell you of delights, but not as does the law of the Lord your God. This controversy in my heart was naught but self against self. But Alypius, sitting close by my side, awaited in silence the result of my unwonted emotion." (Confessions, Book VIII, Ch 11; 25-27)

The words "fear not" appear 365 times in the bible. Why so much? Maybe because fear, the cousin of sin and its henchman, is a tool of Satan himself. God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, and love, and soberness of mind (2 Tim 1:7). Our Lord knows our desire is ultimately for Him but that we settle for cheap counterfeits presented by the Devil, trifles which will not love us back and will attempt to enslave our will so that we cannot direct it to God. "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear" as St. John says. (1 Jn 4:18).

Sin is slavery, and addiction to the flesh abets this crime. Who will save us from this body of death? Thanks be to God, through Jesus Christ our Lord! We were made for freedom, not deception, dependance and slavery. In Christ we are already free, for "If the son makes you free, you are free indeed" (Jn 8:36). 

The door has already been unlocked; all you need to do now, is leave your cell. 

You Ain't No Saint (But One Day You May Be)

I remember my first spiritual "high" as a newly minted Catholic. It was after the first retreat I attended as a college freshman on campus. So many new friends! God's love, so palpable! On FIRE for the Lord! And then Monday morning you get back to "real life," and the mountaintop experience slowly but surely fades, and getting down to the real work of discipleship and Christian living begins.

When I was on retreat last weekend, I fully expected to be sorely subjected to temptation and spiritual battle; instead, the Devil in large part left me alone. What I was left with was an experience of undiluted prayer, penitence, and solitude. I felt that my spiritual life had integrity and my will was in alignment. It was an environment in which, to mimic the words of Peter Maurin, it was "easy to be good."

And then I returned home, and the Devil got to work undoing everything.

It didn't happen all at once. My wife and I were scheduled to attend a black tie event that evening. After eating nothing but a dense bread for three days, I was all of a sudden feasting like a king on bacon-wrapped scallops, shrimp and oysters, and filet mignon for dinner, coupled with an open bar. Whereas St. John Cassian says we should "stop eating while still hungry and do not continue until you are satisfied," I ended up...well, not doing that. I have a pretty high tolerance for alcohol and haven't gotten drunk in years, but still ended up drinking more that I probably could or should have despite that.  

Worse than these physical gratifications, however, was a more-or-less intolerance with certain people. Rash judgement, complaining, thinking ill-thoughts, lack of patience...it was all there. I also became somewhat short with my family over the ensuing days as well. Ram Dass once said, "If you think you're enlightened, spend a week with your family." I find that pretty astute and accurate.

Whereas I was praying and reading a lot and for concentrated periods over the weekend, I all of a sudden clammed up and developed a vague aversion to the work of prayer. I was not devout, not devoted, but lethargic and slothful, easily irritated, and neglectful. 

Amazing! On literally every branch I found myself perching just days before, I was perfunctorily knocked with head-spinning swiftness from them one by one. After spending a few days soaking in the novel hot springs of spiritual fortitude, I was now flailing in the riptide which is concupiscence. How weak is the spirit of man! How tender the flesh, and how much we need God!

We should not fear the Devil, but we should also not underestimate his supreme intelligence. It is perhaps in God's omnipotent grace that as soon as we catch ourselves thinking, "I got this," he notches us down from the perch of pride and confidence in ourselves with various embarrassing thorns. Pride goes before the fall. 

Of course, my vocation is one that is in the world, and so time in the wood living as a would-be monk will always be a novel endeavor. So maybe my landing back home was a bit due to overcompensation. The truth is always in the mean, not the extremes. 

It was the feast day in the new calendar the other day of the young saint Carlo Acutis. He was born in 1991 and died in 2006....a millennial, a self-described "computer geek" from the present age that now smiles down at us from heaven. There is a part of me that looks on him with a tinge of envy--he died of leukemia at the young age of 15--and a tinge of incredulity, as it seemed in his nature to be "good." When I look at myself and my inconstancy, my turpitude, my criticalness, it is hard not to turn away in disgust. It's hard not to despair at how little progress I have made, how little love has been enkindled, and low little work I have accomplished for the kingdom. How far I am from home.

One thing is for sure--I ain't no monk, no saint, not now and probably not next year. But maybe, by God's grace, eventually.

Peace I Give To You

 Hello everyone, and thank you for your prayers for my retreat this past weekend. It was a fruitful time of prayer, penance, solitude, sleep...and not much else! The Devil did not bother me much, thanks be to God. 

There were only four friars at this particular friary and while hospitable, I didn't interact with them much. I did have the opportunity to join them at 6am morning prayer, 12:15pm Holy Mass, 3:45 Holy Hour and evening prayer, and 8:25pm night prayer. Apart from that I spent the time in my hermitage reading and praying. The propane tank was empty, though, and it got down to just above freezing at night but the hermitage stayed around fifty degrees at least. 

I switched my phone to airplane mode (so I could still use my alarm) when I arrived and didn't turn it back on until I was leaving on Sunday; it was such a simple thing, but I couldn't believe the effect it had on my psyche, as well as my sleep. With little to no distractions, I slept like a complete rock. When I was reading, I was reading. When I was walking, I was walking. When I was eating my bread and drinking my tea, that's what I was doing. I had much more mental real estate even in those short three days; and yet this is simply how all people lived just a few decades ago! 

For meditation, I read from the scriptures (the prophet Ezekial), The Imitation of Christ and the Philokalia, as well as St. John Climacus Ladder of Divine Ascent. For pleasure, I read historical accounts of the early Romans such as Pliny the Younger and how they viewed the Christians in the first and second century. Their "superstitious" obstinancy when faced with execution simply for being Christians was a puzzlment to the Romans, who regarded themselves as religious in their own right, yet using their "religion" as a means of advancement in civil society. They valued tradition, order, career--not unlike non-religious conservatives today. And yet, most first century Christians were on the low rung of the social ladder. It seemed madness to the Romans, though their preoccupation was in keeping order and maintaining social status; the Christians were like gnats that were constantly having to be swatted away or otherwise "dealt with." 

It does seem strange--as followers of Christ we deprive ourselves in this life for reward in the next. We suffer shame in high society and choose a lower order for the sake of elevation in the Heavenly Kingdom. The poor and outcasts take their place at the banquet table while the rich are sent away hungry. Everything is flipped on its head. 

And yet, I had a great degree of peace these past few days doing my best to follow Christ more intentionally, in order to conform everything about my life to his. There is a secret to the Christian life, a secret the world runs around looking for here and there, coming up with nothing but straw. But it's a secret in plain view, a gift freely given, a Way clearly laid out for anyone to follow. “Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you" (Jn 14:27).

Thank you again, and be assured of my prayers as well. Here are some pictures, since a picture is worth a thousand words: