Having Sex With A Stranger

 

I have been married for eleven years now. I was not a virgin when I got married. I have had my share of participation in the hookup culture, not only during college but for an extended season beyond it as well. It is something I do not miss at all.

To be honest, the thought of having sexual relations with someone whose last name you might not even know, whose family you have never met, and you may not even like is an almost foreign one. Not to mention the potential to have a baby with them. It's crazy. 

I don't think the hookup culture is something anyone would say is "deeply satisfying" to one's needs or that "it makes me happier." Quite the contrary. Sex was not meant to be exercised in this tenuous context. It is typically something one settles for when you stir in the ingredients of a) appetite; b) loneliness; c) misplaced desires for love; and d) a lack of moral 'fences.' 

Then there is the issue of the married man or woman who embarks on a sexual liaison outside the bonds of their marriage, inviting foreigner bodies into their beds foreign genitalia into their person. There is something deeply betraying about such encounters to the spouse(s) of such adulterers that undermines both trust and intimacy. 

What is it that compels them? I imagine the gender stereotypes may prove themselves in these situations--for men, their physical needs may not be met by their spouse; for women, perhaps their emotional needs are not being met. Whatever the reason, it's a shortsighted fishhook that has cost the people who fall for it much.

As anyone who has been married for a while knows, there is so much more to sex in a marriage than the physical. If it was just about mechanized routines, without communication or intimacy, humor or lighthearted tenderness, it would grow stale rather quickly. And that's always something to be on guard against anyway; it's OK and even good to try to keep things fresh! As long as you don't go looking outside your spouse for it!

I would think for most people, the 'push' (from the Devil!) into an affair would be the simple "I'm not happy (with my spouse)." And so, they figure, since they have placed their happiness at the top of the list, they will go looking to satisfy it outside of their marriage. In almost all cases, though, it ends badly and without the satisfaction of finding that elusive "happiness" in the end. 

The marital bed is a protected space, and protected for a reason. Spouses who have been married long enough know the most intimate parts of their partner's bodies, their cues, their turn-ons; rather than this being boring, it offers the original "safe space" for vulnerability, which builds trust, which aids communication...you get the idea. But that house of cards can easily fall on account of even one incident of sexual betrayal with someone else. 

I had a man write me who was struggling to keep things interesting in his relationship with his wife. I won't go into details, but he was concerned about that 'open invitation' to virtual "foreigners" may lead to worse things. The one thing I did tell him is to think in terms of rights--you have no RIGHT to entertain thoughts, let alone any kind of emotional or sexual relationship with anyone other than your wife. It should be off the table from the beginning--not even an option. This makes it easier in the long run to not open the door at all to any such possibility. 

One needs to be mindful of their conscience. The thought of a foreign body or even an emotional entanglement is, in my mind at this point in my life, kind of gross. But there is a line you can cross over when you know you have tripped the tripwire of the conscience when such things become titilating or exciting. You find yourself looking over your shoulder, fueled by fantasy. As one woman who had an affair recounted:

"Affairs are by definition precarious, elusive, and ambiguous. The indeterminacy, the uncertainty, the not knowing when we’ll see each other again—feelings we would never tolerate in our primary relationship—become kindling for anticipation in a hidden romance. Because we cannot have our lover, we keep wanting. It is this just-out-of-reach quality that lends affairs their erotic mystique and keeps the flame of desire burning. Reinforcing this segregation of the affair from reality is the fact that many, like Priya, choose lovers who either could not or would not become a life partner. By falling for someone from a very different class, culture, or generation, we play with possibilities that we would not entertain as actualities."

One of the foremost benefits of a marriage is its exclusivity. Does it have the potential to get stale, boring? Of course. That's why you need to feed your marriage, pay attention to your sexual barometers, and find new ways to recharge your lines as the years go on. Do we grow old, heavier, softer, less attractive? Yes, and no one can escape it. Unless you try to, and find yourself stuck and tricked by the fantasy of eternal youth (with some other body). So you learn to love the stretch marks or the pot bellies, or whatever, because they are for your eyes only. There's an exclusive intimacy and privilege there that should not be taken lightly. 

If you open the door of your mind to going so far as having sex with a stranger (essentially, anyone other than your spouse), and are not repulsed by the idea, that may be a sign that there are some things to be mindful of in your marriage. I don't think repulsion is too strong a word, either. We should "hate sin with a perfect hate" (Ps 139:22) and be repulsed by it whatever form it takes. Anything that threatens the sanctuary of the marital embrace should be regarded with the same revulsion as well.