Day 13: The Wager

Does what you believe take more precedence than what you do? Is Christianity a "creed over deed" religion? The mentality seems to be that if you get what you believe right your deeds will follow en suite.

Judaism takes the opposite approach. I first encountered this when I read A.J. Jacob, the secular agnostic journalist who wrote an account of his guinea-pig attempt to live the judaic biblical mandates to a 'T' in his book The Year of Living Biblically.

"Judaism has a slogan:," he writes, "'deed over creed.' There's an emphasis on behavior; follow the rules of the Torah, and you'll eventually come to believe." 

Blaise Pascal, the 17th century French philosopher, straddled this divide of creed and deed in his posthumous treatise "Pensees" ('Thoughts') with what is famously known as "Pascal's Wager." In it he proposes:

1. God is (exists) or is not.
2. A game is being played, where either heads or tails will show up.
3. You must wager (it is not optional)
4. What is the gain/loss in wagering that God is? (If you gain, you gain all. If you lose, you lose nothing.)
5. Wager without hesitation, then, that God is.

These first five articles concern the creed--belief--that determines everything, our eternal trajectory. Reason cannot prove the case for or against the existence of God, so one must wager with belief.

What then, if one is unable to believe? In the sixth and final article, it is deed that takes precedence, in that

"Learn of those who have been bound like you, and who now stake all their possessions.  Follow the way by which they began; by acting as if they believed, taking the holy water, having masses said, etc. Even this will naturally make you believe, and deaden your acuteness." (III.233)

In Mark 9, a man brings his demon-posesssed son to Jesus. "If you can do anything," the man pleads to Jesus, "take pity on us and help us."

"If you can'?" said Jesus. "Everything is possible for him who believes."

Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, 'I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!'" (Mk 9:21-24)

What do we see here? We see a tentative faith, one that brings a case before Jesus with the qualifier 'if.' (Contrast this to the encounter with the centurion in Lk 7:7 confident of Jesus' ability to heal his servant, or the bold touching of Jesus' cloak by the hemorrhaging woman in Mk 5:25, confident that if only she would touch him she would be healed).  The man is testing his wager ("if you can"), unsure and unable to believe (article 6) until Jesus presses him with the possibilities (gain) of belief.

The man puts his chips down. The deed and the creed are bound up in this peculiar, paradoxical case: the proclamation of belief (creed) is a deliberate act of will (deed)--a wager--that bets his son's life and places it at Jesus' feet. What comes first? Belief? Or the act of believing? He believes, and in doing so every possibility is open to him--including  the seemingly impossible task of overcoming unbelief!

Judaism offers an interesting perspective that as a Christian I never really thought about before, that of the importance of deed over creed, that is maybe of some relevance during Lent, and in our lives in general. When we are struggling with belief, when we have crises of faith, is there any value to say worshipping when it feels so inauthentic? Should we pray when we feel we are just going through the motions? Would we be better off abandoning these practices until we regain our genuine sense of belief, or can such practices 'prime the pump' and hold value even when we struggle to maintain belief?

The sacramental nature of Catholicism holds that God's grace is conferred in many ways, but especially so in the sacraments--(def: an outward sign, instituted by Christ, to confer grace. E.g., baptism, confirmation, eucharist, anointing of the sick, etc) and sacramentals (holy water, blessed oil, palm ashes, etc). We live in the material world--we eat and drink, go to the bathroom, have sex, etc. Water for example is not holy in and of itself, but can be made holy. Bread is not holy in and of itself but by God's power can be made to be the flesh of Christ--Christ himself: body, blood, soul, and divinity. God in taking on flesh in the Incarnation bridges the divide between the material and the spiritual; "the Son of God became man, so that man might become God."

In and of themselves sacraments and sacramentals do not constitute belief, but they can aid in the conferral of grace that helps lead to belief, aid us in our journey. Catholicism, then, lends itself to a particularly Pascalian proposition: if you don't believe, try it out as if you did, employing all the tools in the toolbox to build the house of faith. Faith is ultimately a gift from God, but there comes a point when we must put our chips down and place our bets via the will--does He exist, or does he not?

So if you are struggling with belief, pray, and ask for belief as if you believed.

If you are struggling with prayer, pray anyway, for it is in times of dryness and desolation that we learn not to rely on spiritual consolation but trust in God who we cannot see or feel.

If you are struggling to love your spouse, if your marriage is in a bad place, exercise the will to love through your deeds. Even when you don't love your spouse, anymore act as if you do. Clean the house. Make dinner. Be thoughtful. You never know--it may just be enough to prime the pump and get things back on track.

After all...what do you have to lose?

Day 12: What If It's All True?

I think most of us know when we are not being true to the law of God written on our hearts. What does St. Paul say in his letter to the Romans?:

"Indeed, when Gentiles, who do not have the law, do by nature things required by the law, they are a law for themselves, even though they do not have the law, since they show that the requirements of the law are written on their hearts, their consciences also bearing witness, and their thoughts now accusing, now even defending them." (Rom 2:14-15)

And so there have been many conversations I have had that have started like this:

Friend or acquaintance: "I don't think X/Y/Z is wrong. I think X/Y/Z should be legal. I don't think X/Y/Z is a sin." Etc.

Me: "Ok. Tell me more."

Sometimes from there it will take an intellectual, historical or theological bent, arguing this or that proscription in the 14th century was because of this or that, times were different, didn't have our understanding of science today, etc etc. Sometimes it goes the way of culture, that the Church is so out of touch and so not credible and get with the times already. Sometimes it's just plain ignorance or apathy, employing soundbite defenses. Sometimes it is personal and emotional, coming from a place of hurt or betrayal of trust.

Usually I will just listen, sometimes I will offer a little something here or there. Sometimes I can see my friend's point, where they are coming from. But in the back of my mind what I want, what I really want to propose is:

"Let's just say for argument's sake: what if God says it's wrong? What if it is beyond a measure of doubt that such-and-such is sinful, offends God? How would that change things for you?"

Then we get into the nitty-gritty. Because it's no longer an intellectual debate or a back and forth or an 'open to differing views', or some problem with the church or hypocritical Christians. Assuming the premise is clear--that such and such thing that I hold to be 'o.k.' is in reality displeasing to God--the 'debate' is over. If our ultimate calling in life is to "Know, love, and serve God in this life, so we may be happy with him in the next," what recourse do we have to do anything otherwise?

Search your heart, where the law of God is written, and be honest with yourself: If the life you are living is morally objectionable and sinful, and God has made it clear that it does not please him, what are you going to do? What if it's true? What if it's all true? Does anything else matter??

We have a tendency to try to maneuver God into our the lives we have made for ourselves, rather than changing our lives to conform to the way we should be living, in a way pleasing to him. Doing the latter costs us, costs us big sometimes, and so instead we construct theological acrobatics to explain that God did not *really* mean this or that when he said as much, or we turn a blind eye to this or that, so we can continue to live the kind of lives we want to live.

I imagine it is harder in protestant traditions that have multiple interpretations depending on what pastor you speak with, and no central authority aside from scripture alone, to nail down, say, the moral problems of IVF, or euthanasia, or gay marriage, in the way the Catholic Church does. Search hard enough and you'll probably find someone to support your cause or give a pass. But what if, just what if, God had a problem with it. Is it unreasonable to think that is a possibility? Even if there is a 50% chance that what you are doing or how you are living will send you to hell, is it a chance worth taking? What then?

Then maybe we are being called to reform our lives and conform them to His. God give us opportunity after opportunity to change, to turn away from sin in a spirit of metanoia and follow him. But when we die, it is too late. When we die saying to God, "no thanks. I will not follow. I will not listen. I will not repent," we have make our choice and chosen our ultimate fate.

The immediacy and urgency of John the Baptist's hairy message--Prepare the way for the LORD make straight paths for him and REPENT FOR THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN IS AT HAND! (Mt 3:3)--makes this back and forth speculation about whether x/y/z is really a sin?, a big deal in God's eyes?, o.k. for all intents and purposes? seem completely off the mark. What he is saying with wide eyes and shaking fist is "Get yourself in line! Get your house in order! Whatever it is, whatever you need to do, DO IT because HE IS COMING!" He's being a hair-shirt-wearing meanie for a reason, because Ain't Nobody Got Time For That!

Search your heart this season: what is keeping you from fellowship with the LORD? What makes you drop your eyes in the shadow of his gaze? What is keeping you from turning away from whatever it is in your life that offends Him?

I'll end with a story from Abby Johnson, a former abortion worker, about the day she left Planned Parenthood for good. I teared up when I read it for the first time, how good is the LORD, and so I share it here:

"I gathered my things and walked through the heavy metal door for the last time. I remember it slamming shut and it seemed so loud...louder than usual...it was like the door knew that I was closing an eight year chapter of my life. 

A young man with the pro-life group next door was out on the sidewalk to make sure I was able to leave without incident...it was just the day before that I had walked into their office and told them I wanted out. 

I waved at him and told him that I would come to their office the next day. I got in my car and took a deep breath. This was it. I was really leaving. I had no job...no prospects for a job. I was leaving my friends behind. My life was about to be turned upside down. I was scared. But I had to leave. 

I pulled out of that driveway for the last time and took a left. I looked in my rear view mirror and saw that young man on the sidewalk raise his arms in the air and fall to his knees. 

My life has never been the same. 

Conversion is real. Believe it."

"To obey is better than sacrifice, and to heed is better than the fat of rams." 

(1 Sam 15:22)

Day 11: See I Make All Things New

A few days ago I celebrated my 37th birthday with a small group of good friends at a restaurant in North Wilmington. My wife pulled off a great surprise by getting them all together, and I was impressed she was able to keep it a cool secret. Was nice to celebrate, and reflect on getting older.

I work on a college campus. I'm surrounded by 18-21 year old millennials most of my working day.  As the old saying goes, "I keep getting older and they stay the same age." I'm not that old that I don't remember what it feels like to be half my age. Like most teenagers, I was tough to give advice to. I wouldn't listen, thought I knew everything about life and how to live it. I see a lot of heartache and hurt on campus too...a lot of sexual scars, a lot of stupid decisions, suicides and mental suffering. A lot of lost-ness. Sometimes I just want to shake the kids and say, "LISTEN! SAVE YOURSELF SOME HURT! DON'T MAKE THE SAME MISTAKES I DID! LISTEN TO THE LORD!!" But I know it will fall on deaf ears. They know everything, don't want to listen to an old head like me. The need to find out for themselves.

I don't really feel old. A tad bit more seasoned, a dash more cynical, a bit less adventurous, but for the most part I feel like I've had a good run so far, have experienced a lot, and am still alive to tell the tale.

I do have some regrets, though--or, if you prefer, 'things I would have done differently'. If I could find a kid half my age willing to listen, this is what I'd tell him based on two decades of hindsight:


1)  Honor God with your body

Don't have sex before you are married. Just don't. Trust me on this one; give me the benefit of the doubt. The first girl you have sex with that you're not married to, you're probably not going to marry. That means you are going to part ways at some point having left behind a part of yourself that you can never get back with someone who will for all intents and purposes will become a stranger to you years down the road. And both of you are going to get hurt, whether you realize it or not, because you're playing with fire. Sex is a binder. I'm talking physically, emotionally, biologically, spiritually. While we're at it, 'hooking up' is a poor excuse as an alternative to sex as well. It causes emotional confusion, offends the dignity of the person you are using, and is spiritually damaging. "Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body." (1 Cor 6:19-20)

'How can something that feels so right be so wrong?' you might ask. I don't know, man. I know (now) that God made sex as an awesome gift but sex without marriage is like a snail without a shell. I know you may think you love someone and that that makes it ok, because it feels right. But I'm just telling you, if you'll listen to me: wait. 'But I'm 18. How am I supposed to wait for 5, 10, 15+ years??' I don't know son. Self-control is not easy. You have to learn how to make it a habit. It will totally benefit you in the long run, but in the short run it's probably going to hurt. 'But I'm not even thinking about marriage! I want to live life, have fun.' Good, that's good. That's fine. But just know that God has entrusted you with a gift, something you can't see what it's for now, something for someone else that doesn't really belong to you anyway. Save yourself some heartache. It will make your life easier in the long run. It will be pleasing to God, and if someone you meet is willing to wait like you, it's a good vetting tool. I don't know what else to say...you'll probably hate me now, but you'll thank me later.


2)  Be careful with the substances.

It took me a long time to get back to zero. I wasted a lot of time and money and brain cells on alcohol and drugs and nicotine, and even then I got lucky.  I don't have a taste for alcohol, but when I was hurting or lonely, I didn't hesitate to drink to stumbling. Having addictive tendencies, I'm thankful I never tried hard drugs because I probably would have O.D.'d. At my worst I ended up in the hospital after swallowing a handful of klonopin during an especially hard time in my life. Really, unless you're having a beer or two at a bar in a social situation, alcohol and drugs and other substances don't get you anywhere. There is NO benefit to them whatsoever. It's a lie, and very very hard to extricate yourself from once it has a hold on you. If you have addictive tendencies like I do, be very very careful.


3)  Don't worry so much.

I was an anxious kid. There was always something to worry about, and I felt that if I didn't worry about it, said bad thing would happen. In my mind, worry was a kind of psychic inoculant. But it simply wasn't true. Things were going to happen whether I worried about them or not. All it did was mess with my GI track and helped me lose out on years of potential joy.

You major in college? Not the be all end all. Your driver's test? You'll pass eventually. Finances? Get pro-active and do what you can. Parents on the brink of divorce? Pray for them.

Even now I experience anxiety from time to time, like most people (and maybe a little worse). But I trust God more that worry is not his will, that it detracts from our mission as disciples. Jesus has good advice: "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life?" (Lk 12:25).


4)  Choose your friends wisely.

Your friends are a huge influence. Find some down to earth Christians who can have fun and honor God at the same time and who can accept you for who you are. Thankfully I had some of these. Find some older mentors, ones who are good role models. Again, I had a few, thankfully. Don't be afraid to stand alone if you have to, for what is right, than to corrupt yourself by fitting in with fools. You will be better for it in the long run.


5)  Let your family know you love them, and forgive people who hurt you.

I take my family for granted. I think they'll always be around. They won't. I wish I would have spent more time with my dad and mom and brothers, not made excuses so much why I couldn't see them. Learn to forgive, and quickly. Grudges will rot you from the inside, and there is no worse feeling than someone dying before you can ask their forgiveness. Let people know when you are thinking of them and that you love them, and follow the model of Jesus when it comes to enemies you may have: to love them, and pray for those who persecute you. (Mt 5:44).

6) Be open to Life

It took me a long time to get on board with the Church's teaching on contraception, even years after becoming Catholic. If I regret anything the most, I regret not being open to life earlier in our marriage, not trusting God with our fertility. I know (KNOW) that God's way is always better than our own plan. White-knuckling our idea of how our life should be, in retrospect, feels so futile. I wonder how many blessings we have missed out on by not simply obeying God's will for our family.

God can make good out of bad, but he honors obedience, and there have been many instances in which we have not been obedient when God was maybe trying to do something in our lives. Who knows who would be in the world if its wasn't for our (my) hardness of heart, lack of trust, puny faith? Things tend to work out, sometimes better than we could have planned, sometimes with more hardships than we would have asked for, but always according to his purposes. I wish I would have trusted more. I wish I would have trusted.


7) Not telling more people about Jesus.

I love to be liked. But take my advice--if you are fitting in with the world too much and loved too much by the people in it, you may be on the road to hell. I have failed so many times to proclaim the Lord with my lips, in public, and accept any fallout that may come with that. "If anyone is ashamed of me and my words in this adulterous and sinful generation, the Son of Man will be ashamed of him when he comes in his Father' glory with the holy angels." (Mk 8:38). I have been a coward in so many occasions, wanting to fit in more than honor and risk something for Jesus. I have loved comfort and praise more than sharing the Gospel, and now I am making up for lost time. Even now, though, I am fearful and embarrassed in certain situations. I see sin all around me and I stay silent. I risk very little for the kingdom. You are not living for this world. Let me repeat--this world is not your home. Risk something for the Lord. Endure some scars for the Lord, something to show when you meet him at the Last Judgment. Don't be afraid to preach the Gospel, and for the love of God, USE WORDS! But get your own house in order first (see 1-6 above). Don't give ammunition to those who can accuse you, and don't scandalize others by claiming to live a Christian life and not doing so, the way I did for years.


My priest in college told me during Confession one time, "Rob, when you repent, God takes your sins and throws them in the middle of the ocean and puts a sign there that says":

NO FISHING

I don't live my life in massive regret.  It's just that there are a few things I have learned over the years that I would love to share with a young person willing to listen to spare some heartache for someone else who hasn't lived long enough to know yet. Thankfully, I have made it to 37 without a mass of scars, and it always amazes me what people can go through in life--whether by their own doing or as a result of family or domestic situations--that God can heal, things that can be literally so big and so damaging that it is enough to undo a person. God is bigger than our past, bigger than our sins and mistakes. But there are still things that have set me back so that I am just getting back to zero and while I suppose God can use them all for His purposes, I don't think He really wants us to go through them in the first place.

"'Come now, let us reason together', says the LORD. 'Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool.'" 

(Is 1:18)

Day 10: Step By Step, Bird By Bird

Deb and I will be married seven years this July. It's been good, great even, and I'm looking forward to seventy more.

But that '7 year itch' expression is well known because at some point in their lives, most people hit a wall--whether it's in their marriage, their careers...or even their lenten discipline. The honeymoon is over. You are far enough in that the newness and luster of the whatever has worn off, the end of the tunnel is a long way off, and everything just seems like work. And no one really cares anymore (if they ever did in the first place) so it's really on you since nobody's watching...a moment of existential truth on whether you still believe in what you are doing and what you have devoted yourself too.

I'm always surprised when I bike the 11 miles to work how much ground I really cover just by the motion of pushing the cranks, pedal stroke after pedal stroke, mile after mile, until I arrive. One time last year I biked from my house to Philadelphia, and a number of years ago I biked from San Francisco to DC over the course of two months. And years before that, I walked from Maryland to New York over the course of several summers. But it was all accomplished the same way...pedal stroke after pedal stroke, mile after boring mile. When you look up after cover the distance, you realize that there really were no shortcuts....you just had to keep pedaling, or walking, or whatever.

Some days I have an excuse to drive (have to pick up kids after work, late meeting, etc), but some times I'm just lazy and hop in the car instead. People think I'm crazy for biking anyway, so it can be hard to keep finding the motivation to do it. But I always feel good when I arrive at work after a long ride in the saddle. I feel accomplished, endorphins coursing, through my blood, and my sore quads and my increased hunger tells me that I did something useful with my body. I can't say I look forward to the rides, but I rarely regret it once I've undertaken it.

Now that Lent is well underway and the novelties have worn off, it's time to get to work for real. The external disciplines exist because on our own it can be easy to shirk off things that are ultimately good for us--regular prayer, fasting and abstinence, almsgiving--and find excuses. The suffering that accompanies denial and self-discipline for the sake of our souls chafes and is uncomfortable, and it becomes more so when the devil whispers in our ear 'Just give this up already, yeah? None of it really matters anyway. Wouldn't you rather?..."

In doing a blog post a day over the course of Lent, I occasionally get bogged down and stuck in the mud, unable to come up with any new material or motivation to write and quoting Ecclesiastes that "THERE IS NOTHING NEW UNDER THE SUN!!" But it's good practice for me--to do things even when you don't feel like it--and seems to jive with the discipline of Lent and learning how to love. When you love something enough, you'll eventually be called to suffer for it. I love my wife, and I would give my life for her...but that doesn't come naturally. We need to learn and practice--day by day, act by act, stroke by stroke--how to put to death our carnal, selfish tendencies, that which works against love and the good of another. We need to exercise love like a muscle, and we do it through the will.

In my early years of learning the craft and finding my voice I read a book by Anne Lammott on writing. One story she told stuck with me over the years:

"Thirty years ago my older brother, who was ten years old at the time, was trying to get a report on birds written that he'd had three months to write, which was due the next day. We were out at our family cabin in Bolinas, and he was at the kitchen table, close to tears, surrounded by binder paper and pencils and unopened books on birds, immobilized by the hugeness of the task ahead. Then my father sat down beside him, put his arm around buy brother's shoulder, and said, 'Bird by bird, buddy. Just take it bird by bird.'

Lent is the perfect season to practice. It is a means to an end, to deepen our prayer lives and train our bodies to bring our wills into alignment with the will of the Father, that it might be done "on earth as it is in Heaven." Each year around this time in the lenten season, when it gets to be a grind, to be work, to be unpleasant and unglamorous and monotonous and we second guess the commitments we have pledged to, then maybe we will get a taste of real life and real love--not our idealized version or it, not the honeymoon experience, but the nitty-gritty of daily life in relationship.

I do this stupid little thing with Deb to keep practicing in my marriage: Every time I serve up dinner and I have her plate and my plate, I always give her the plate I would want--the one with the bigger porkchop or the nicer salad, the one I would be more inclined to choose for myself. It's a little thing, and I don't know where I picked it up, but isn't marriage really just a series of little actions, that eventually accumulate into what makes the marriage? Isn't a ride to work the collective distance of thousands of pedal strokes that eventually get us there? Is Lent not a series of 'little deaths' culminating in that great death on Good Friday that would eventually lead to life, our ticket to eternity? As St. Teresa of Calcutta said, "We can do no great things....only small things with great love."

"Therefore I endure everything for the sake of the elect, that they too may obtain the salvation that is in Christ Jesus, with eternal glory." 

(2 Tim 2:10)

Day 8: In The Middle Of The Night

I was moved when I read recently about the relationship of St. John Paul II with his father, Karol Wojtyla Sr. It was said that

"Prayer was a contant in their lives; the Captain prayed often during the day...the two read the Bible and prayed the rosary together. Sometimes the young boy would wake in the night and see his father kneeling in the dark, praying silently."

This image is so striking, so humbling. This young boy who would become a great man of God had a model of prayer and faith in his very own family from an early age. Think about it...the young Karol Wojtyla walked in on his father praying. He caught him praying...in the middle of the night! I imagine this event burned a memory into his brain, so that when he thought, 'what is prayer?' he thought of his father.

I have written recently that the most indicative factor in passing along the faith from one generation to the next is the father's church attendance. But changing generational models from unbelief to belief must go beyond a one-day-a-week affair--it must permeate the lives of those who model. Our children are always watching us. We can't live one way as fathers--whether it's being neglectful in prayer, reading the bible, grace before meals, looking at pornography on our phones, yelling, not treating our wives with love and respect--and expect to teach our children to do the opposite. WE have to be the models for the saints we wish for them to become. Kids can sniff out hypocrisy from a mile a way.

When I think about Karol Wojtyla Sr. at his bedside in the model of the night, I suspect he was not doing it for show, or expecting anyone to walk in and see him on his knees like that. But these are the kinds of images that get burned into children's minds that they remember years down the road. It is a memory worthy of being remembered.

As men and fathers, we are responsible for the spiritual trajectory of our households. We will be judged on it. What you do in secret will eventually come to light. Don't view anything on the computer you wouldn't want your kids to see. When you are embarrassed of the faith and don't defend it, that sends a message to your children. When you prioritize things other than God and His Holy Day on the Sabbath, whether it be sports or activities or vacations, kids take notice. They think to themselves, "this isn't really important, we don't have to do this" and their lives conform to such practice. We need to normalize faith in our lives, so that it is not some queer anomaly or pious activity reserved for an hour a week on Sundays.

Satan hates the family. He works to infiltrate and destroy it from within. So susceptible are we to having our families being attacked that we must constantly cling to Christ and his Mother to protect our families. And the best way to do this is through prayer...making sure our own personal foundation of prayer is strong, strengthening it with our spouse, and then bringing our children into it.

Please, Lord, protect my children. Help me to raise them up as men and women of the Living Lord as models of faith and charity. If your will is to take them from us, take them to Heaven. If your will is to take us from them, take us to Heaven. Help us as a family to be a light to the world, a city on a hill, and not let us fall into darkness or disfunction. Strengthen our marriage, and help us to love one another so we might show our children what love looks like. They are only young once, and we don't get second chances to make impressions.

"Very early in the morning, while is was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place, where he prayed." 

(Mk 2:35)

Day 7: Falling On The Sword

When I was quitting my 20 year habit of using nicotine eight months ago, one thing that was a game changer--in addition to an accountability partner, having a game plan for quitting, and God's grace--was the recognition that the only one who could make me smoke...was me. No one was holding a gun to my head. No one was duct taping my limbs to a chair and popping cigarettes into my mouth and lighting them against my will. The only sure fire way to quit was to NOT SMOKE.

It was a fascinating psychological experiment on habit and the will. I may have been physically and psychologically addicted to nicotine, but I still had the capacity to choose to use it, hard as it was not to. If you caught me on hidden camera, it may have felt like someone had a gun to my back forcing me in the car at 1 in the morning to go to Wawa, coercing me in to going outside and smoking, or convincing me that stopping was not possible. But on tape, you would have seen that the only one in the picture...was me.

St Catherine of Siena has an amazing treatise on the will that I came across recently. She says,

"Only the will can commit a crime; neither devils nor any other being can force it to commit the smallest sin if it is not willing. Therefore the sinful will which submits to the temptations of the enemy is a sword which kills the soul when it is offered to the enemy by the hand of free will. Which is more cruel, the enemy or the person who is wounded? We are the more cruel, for we agree to our own death." 

This is why baptism is such an amazing grace, and why it is necessary for salvation.  Aside from welcoming us into God's family, and washing away sins and removing the temporal punishment due to sin, baptism literally breaks the chains that bind us due to Original Sin. It gives us the capacity to avoid sin, for as St. John Paul II wrote in Veritatis Splendor:

"Keeping God's law in particular situations can be difficult, extremely difficult, but it is never impossible....it is anathema [to say] that the commandments of God are impossible of observation by one who is justified. Man always has before him the spiritual horizon of hope, thanks to the help of divine grace and with the cooperation of human freedom. If redeemed man still sins, this is not due to an imperfection of Christ's redemptive act, but to man's will not to avail himself of the grace which flows from that act." 

The Devil convinces us he has more power over us than he actually does. Christ has him bound. He is a dog on a leash, albeit a dangerous, rabid one. And yet, every time we sin, we hand over our freedom to him. He doesn't even have to work for it sometimes, we just hand it to him. And what do we get in exchange? Death.

Gangstas talk about The Game, and how it's so hard to quit. The Game plays out on The Streets. Gangstas are well aware that they can get popped at any moment. They are aware of the dangers. But the lure of money and prestige is sometimes too great a lure. It's hard to get out, and even if you do manage to get out, some days you wish you were back in.

Our white-washed sinful lives may be more sanitized, but the stakes are no less deadly. It's hard to quit the sin game...the roots that we have laid run deep, the eggs we let hatch are countless.

And yet, when we repent and confess our sins, God washes it all away in one fell swoop by his blood. We have every grace we need by virtue of our baptism to resist sin in the future and not let it make a home in us. God calls us to hard things, but not impossible things. We can start anew. We can start NOW. We don't need complicated spiritual formulas or complex strategies or professional counselors for avoiding sin. We just need to call for help in times of temptation, will the one thing, and be willing to suffer when our flesh chaffs up against our spirit. We can be made new. Today.

"For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."

(Mt 11:30)

Day 6: Give Recklessly

Of the three Pillars of Lent--fasting, prayer, and almsgiving--I'd wager that the one living in the shadows that is most neglected is almsgiving. We are expected to fast on certain days like Ash Wednesday and Good Friday, as well as observe the prescribed days of abstinence (no meat) on Fridays. We are of course called to deepen our prayer life, maybe with daily mass or spiritual reading.

But giving? What does this look like? How much?? We have no problem with someone telling us when and how to fast, what amount to eat, or ways we can increase our time in prayer. But when someone urges us to open our pocket books or wallets as a matter of seasonal obligation, well, we bristle a bit don't we? No-one likes to be compelled into giving. After all, we have so many bills and payments to make, we might at most be able to put an extra fiver in the collection plate or the CRS rice bowl. And even that we mete out grudgingly.

And yet, God's economy does not work the way we think it should. God does not mete out mercy, but fills cups to overflowing (Ps 23:5).

He does not ration out a few bottles of mid-grade wine, but transforms 120-180 GALLONS of water into the finest of choice wines at a wedding in which they had run out, enough for everyone to drink their fill for days and days.

He praises the seemingly irresponsible act of a widow putting in her last penny to the temple box, the money she was supposed to use to live on (Lk 20:45-21:4)

In 1 Kings 17, a hungry Elijah comes to a widow who is literally only has enough for her last meal "that we may make it--and die" (v. 12) and encourages her to trust God and make him a cake with the last of the flour and oil. She does so, and the jar of flour and oil miraculously did not run dry (v 16).

In John 6, the people following Jesus are hungry, and Jesus multiplies a few meager loaves and fishes to feed 5,000, with everyone having their fill, and with twelve baskets left over (Jn 6:1-15)


I'll never forget watching a sermon of the pastor Francis Chan on Youtube titled, "Lukewarm, and Loving It."  Now, Francis Chan is a pretty extreme guy. He takes the Gospel message literally, trusts in Providence to provide, and lives very modestly with his large family despite making millions of dollars on his books. Other pastors are a little bit wary of his way of following the gospel. But I love it, because it is from the heart and even a little crazy.

In his sermon, he is relating the story of Zacchaeus the chief tax collector in Luke 19, "this little Danny DeVito type guy that jumps out of a tree yelling 'Take my money! I don't care! Because JESUS HAS INVITED ME INTO HIS HOUSE! I don't care about money because I'VE. GOT. GOD.' "Today," Jesus says, "Salvation has come to this house." (Lk 19:9)

(Have a look, it is from about minute 10 to minute 14):

When I saw this clip a few years ago, it was really culture shock but the message stayed with me--God wants us to give everything, cheerfully and generously and--dare I say--recklessly. I've always prided myself on being responsible and prudent with money. I'm a planner and budgeter by nature. I wasn't taught to give to the poor growing up--that's what taxes and government programs and charities were for. It seemed totally irresponsible to give the way Francis Chan was advocating through the example of this rich guy Zacchaeus, with such recklessness.

And yet, tonight, I did just that. I'm reluctant to write about it because we are encouraged to "not let our left hand know what our right hand is doing" when we give. I wish I could tell someone else's story rather than my own, but this is what I have to work with. I don't like making a show of things like this, and it's not the first time we have done it, but I'm going to write about it because I thought it was so cool that God gave us the opportunity to give at that precise moment. Here's the story:

I was scrolling through Facebook and came across a post by a friend of a friend whom I don't know, a homeschooling mom whose husband had lost his job and whose car had just broken down. She was upset that they didn't have money to repair the car, and they didn't know what they were going to do.  Many people were offering advice and condolences, encouraging her to pray this or that novena, asking it might be the battery, etc.

Before I could think about it or scroll through, I was sending her a message asking her address so I could send a check for a not-so-small amount to cover the cost of repairs. I did it before I could think about it or second-guess myself. I felt God was giving me a simple opportunity, and I didn't want it to pass by. I don't even know this woman. It was impulsive and kind of reckless, but I really did feel like God was providing an opportunity to practice 'generous sowing,' as Paul writes about in 2 Corinthians:

"Remember this: Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also reap generously. Each man should give what he has decided in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work...you will be made rich in every way so that you can be generous on every occasion, and through us your generosity will result in thanksgiving to God." (2 Cor 9:6-11)

He goes on,

"This service that you perform is not only supplying the needs of God's people but is also overflowing in many expressions of thanks to God. Because of the service by which you have proved yourselves, men will praise God for the obedience that accompanies your confession of the gospel of Christ, and for your generosity in sharing with them and with everyone else. And in their prayers for you their hearts will go out to you, because of the surpassing grace God has given you. Thanks be to God for his indescribable gift!" (12-15)

I haven't heard back from the woman yet--I hope I do, and that she will oblige, but it's not really important, ultimately. What I praise God for is the opportunity, to cultivate and practice a spirit of generosity--an opportunity which is all around us, everywhere. You learn by doing. Even then, we are a far cry from giving from our need rather than our abundance, like the widow, but you have to start somewhere. All we have is a gift from God, and we can't take it with us when we die (Lk 12:20).

You don't have to look far for opportunities to give. Don't over think it. Don't weigh it out, cost-benefit style. Just give. Give til it hurts, in the way it hurts when you fast. When we think too much we get hung up and short-circuit the gentle whisper of the Spirit. You may be surprised by how God blesses you in return.

Thanks be to God, whose love is everlasting!

"A generous man will himself be blessed." 

(Prov 22:9)

Day 5: K.I.S.S.

Yesterday a friend of mine on Facebook posted something about being sad that many Catholic bloggers and lay apologists who were converts and models of a zealous faith had recently gone off the rails of orthodoxy and had either left the faith, were living or advocating practices contrary to church teaching, or had simply lost their way.

It seems almost inherent in the life of a convert--after the initial elation of conversion, they have gained an audience but lost steam, and struggle--publicly or privately--with either some theological teaching (if they are intellectually inclined) or some personal life issue that causes them to doubt and/or adjust their outlook or beliefs. The problem, my friend alluded to, was that many of these figures have people that read what they write and give it weight, and so the potential for leading people astray into false teaching. If you are a national writer with influence, you bear responsibility for your words, and would be naive to think people aren't listening to you. That, and it is also a cause for sorrow when anyone who was once faithful strays from the true faith into a self-made caricature of belief.

I am not much of a writer nor do I have any major influence outside of my circle of friends, but the thought of putting anything out there that has the potential to lead people astray or lead to heretical belief is terrifying to me. The words of Jesus in Mark 9:42 give stern warning, that "Whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him if a great millstone were hung around his neck and he were thrown into the sea."

So, I intentionally shy away from writing about anything beyond basic theology, and prefer instead to just relate stories and anecdotes, with an occasional extrapolation on a particular teaching of the church as it relates to my personal life of faith. I hope it's enjoyable, provides something to read and think about, and maybe sparks some curiosity.

But I am a convert myself, about twenty years in now, and so my friend's post hit a sensitive nerve for me. What if I hit a point in my life in which I go the same route? What's to keep me from doing so? What if I start writing heresy and not even realize it, or abandon church teaching because of some crisis of faith in my life?

It is not a unique problem. Early Church fathers and theologians like Tertullian and Origen were the 3rd century equivalent of those my friend was referring to in her post. Orthodox at one point, brilliant writers and minds, but at some point they went off the rails into heterodoxy. They never did attain sainthood, and so while their complex theological writing is quoted by other Fathers, it is also suspect. There is a place for complex, cutting-edge theology, but more often than not I shy away from it, especially if it is novel or esoteric for novelty's sake, since the spiritual benefits are not outweighed by the dangers of getting it wrong. I try to K.I.S.S. (Keep It Simple, Silly) when writing about faith or theology, and leave the Big Thinkin' to the saints and doctors of the Church who have been vetted (Aquinas, Catherine of Siena, Alphonsus Liguori, etc).

A model for me at this point in my life are saints like Juan Diego, the Mexican peasant who encountered the Virgin of Guadalupe, and the three children of Fatima. They were not trained theologians, no lofty beliefs, just simple people who believed and obeyed God and lived good lives. They were not trying to make names for themselves or cultivate audiences, but lived in humility and delivered the messages they were entrusted with faithfully and to a 'T.' I have to believe such simple faithfulness is rewarded and pleases God. When we get into complex and potentially esoteric theology about the nature of God, we are outside the fence, so to speak, and thus make ourselves vulnerable to error with carries the weight of eternal consequences. Better to believe, pray, listen, and obey, than to speculate and pontificate and formulate when it holds the potential to go off the rails.

Please pray for me, friends, then I might be a simple story teller, a simple man, a simple Christian, a simple servant.

"So you also, when you have done everything you were told to do, should say, 'We are unworthy servants; we have only done our duty." 

(Lk 17:10)

Day 4: Train 'Em Up

Saturday mornings my wife and I usually split duties--she takes our daughter to dance lessons, while I take our our son to karate. We're trying to find that balance of not having the kids be over-involved with activities, while also not being at home all the time watching TV or lounging around. Generally, Saturday mornings are a nice time to have some one-on-one time with the kids individually.

Today we switched it up a bit and I spent the morning with my daughter. We went out on a little "date" to Cosi while her brother was at a birthday party. We got hot chocolate and something to eat. Spending time with her is a real joy. I hope to continue with daddy-daughter dates as she gets older. Spending intentional time together is vital, I think; there is no substitute for it, and I'm blessed to have the opportunity to do so.

When my wife experienced a 're-verision' to the faith, she would go to a coffee shop and read her Bible. Family and friends would try to get her to come over and do stuff, and she would say, "I'm on a date with God."  The time was important in her formation, just spending time soaking in the Lord and just being together in love.

Being a father to a son and being a father to a daughter are two unique opportunities. Boys learn from their fathers what it means to be a man and the skills that a dad is uniquely qualified to transmit to them. Girls learn from their fathers what love looks like and how a man is to treat a woman. They should feel protected and special, and have full confidence that they are loved.

I am convinced that 90% of our social problems in this country can be attributed to the lack of fathers present in the lives of children, as well as the decline in in-tact stable marriages and healthy family units. Families are the building blocks of a society--when they are weak, the society is unstable. When fathers are absent, someone must fill the role--sometimes this is gangs for young men, sometimes the government assumes more responsibility than it should, sometimes it is a boyfriend or an uncle. But really, there is no substitute for a father. Ask anyone who never had one. There is a wound that never really heals.

When I teach my 5th grade CCD class, much of what I teach in terms of faith and morals is undone when the children do not go to Mass on Sundays. Parents should be the primary educators of their children when it comes to faith and morals, and it is the parents responsibility to take them to worship every Sunday (not once a month, not just on Christmas and Easter) and model the faith for them at home, but in practice this just does not happen, and I don't understand it. I don't know if they think CCD 'counts' for 'getting their religion' and Mass is something optional, or if it simply is not a priority. In any case, I am starting to realize that much of what I teach and try to relay to the children does not 'stick' because there is no model for it at home. It is like having the thermostat set at 80 degrees in the winter with the windows open. I am a poor substitute for a parent, what with my one hour a week with them.

My dad was an active, involved dad, who loved us unconditionally, sacrificed for us, and taught us things that no one else could teach us. I am eternally grateful for that, and that he and my mom stayed married through some tough times, so that we had a stable model of how to build a marriage when we got older. 

He was also a model for me of our Heavenly Father's love. The story of the prodigal son in Luke 15 is one of my favorite stories in all the bible, because I was a prodigal son, and I had a loving father who was always there to welcome me back. It helped me experience in earthly terms love that mirrored the heavenly love of God the Father, who forgives us before we even ask, scans the horizon for us day and night awaiting our homecoming, and rushes out to meet us when he spots us at a distance.

If we truly want to raise up children in the way that they should go (Prov 22:6), let's start with being good fathers. Spend time with your kids, and be intentional with them about teaching the faith, and model it in your own life. Pray with them, and take them to church--every Sunday. A Swiss study found that most critical factor of the faith being passed from one generation to the next was the religious practice of the father. Work it into your routine so that they know, Sundays are different. Sundays we go to church and worship the Lord. It's just what we do (even when we're traveling or on vacation). Be almost militant about it too, because it's too easy to say, "it's too hard today, we'll just skip just this once," and then it becomes easier to skip next week too. There's no substitute for going to church, just like there is no substitute for being a father.

"As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him." (Ps 103:13)

Day 3: You Will Not Surely Die

I think about the Fall. A lot. You could call it one of my theological obsessions. Why do we sin? Why are we drawn to sin? Why is it so hard to do good?

Adam and Eve had EVERYTHING in the Garden they needed to be happy. They had the Lord. They had food in abundance. They didn't need clothes. Their lives were good...they were in Paradise.

But Paradise wasn't enough. When the serpent comes along to tempt them to do the one thing God commanded them not to do--eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil--they listened. They opened the door to an alternative promise of happiness. "God said we will die if we eat of or touch the tree," Eve says, but the serpent assures them that will not be the case, for "you will not surely die," he says, "but your eyes will be opened and you will be like God, knowing good and evil."

Like a used car salesman trying to unload lemons and get people to part with their hard earned money, the devil uses a variety of tactics. He is not known as the Father of Lies for nothing. He'll say and do anything to close a sale. It's all promises until you sign on the dotted line, and then you see what you've really bought. You take the broken down jalopy back to him the next day after the radiator is blown and the door handle comes off and he'll act like he doesn't know you. As long as he has your money, he could give two hoots about you and your new hoopty.

Satan whispers all kinds of lies in our ear all day to lead us away from God.

"That's no big deal...God doesn't really care about that."
"Sex outside of marriage is fine. As long as you are in love, that is all that matters."
"You can have just one sip, can't you? Then go back to being sober the next day. NBD."
"No meat on Friday? Where does it say that in the Bible? Don't be a such a hypocrite. Just enjoy the hamburger already."
"It will all be over soon. Rest is just around the corner. All you have to do is pull the trigger."

The world is in cahoots with the Devil. They rent the arena space out to him. Sometimes we don't even know things are wrong because we have lost our moral framework. It's as if the devil has his work cut out for him. And once he gets what he wants, he could care less about us. Not that he ever cared about us in the first place.

If you take anything from this post, just think about the last time you were lied to. What did it feel like? What did you feel like afterwards? Did you feel betrayed? Angry? Now think about this--when we turn away from God and his Word, we are not only making offense against the Lord, but shortchanging ourselves. Sin is one big lie--it promises us rest from future temptation and rest never comes. It promises happiness and contentment and doesn't deliver. It promises us love and care and leaves us orphans. It promises that we will be like God, and yet it takes us farther from Him.

When God lights the darkness in your heart, gives you eyes to see sin for what it really is--a lie, a false promise, a half-truth--don't be hoodwinked. Submit yourself to God. Learn His Commandments and follow them. Don't be like the rich man that trusts in his riches, says to himself "you have plenty of good things laid up for many years. Take life easy, eat drink and be merry," for God tells him, "you fool! This very night your life will be demanded from you. Then who will get what you have prepared for yourself!" (Lk 12:20). When you do fall, repent, get up, and walk anew, learning what a lie looks like so next time you will not be fooled.

"Submit yourself to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you." (James 4:7)