"Like A Filthy Ocean"

It rained cats and dogs this morning in our neck of the woods. I was at daily Mass a little before 7:00am when my phone blared an emergency signal--a flash flood warning. As I was driving home from work, after the storm has passed, the road that runs along the creek was closed, roped off. While the bridge I had to cross was fine, the picnic area on the banks of the creek to my right was completely underwater and submerged.

I appreciate fair warning for things like this in my day-to-day life: that is, heads-up from friends on social media, severe weather alerts, google maps for road closings and accidents. We adjust our lives, our routes, our routines in response to such warnings. Otherwise, we might, well, find ourselves underwater.

And yet, it would seem the most important warnings--the warnings of where we are heading for all eternity--are the most unheeded.

That being said, I try not to be an alarmist. I try also to be discerning. I take things with a grain of salt. I trust the Church more than I trust myself to discern these things. I consecrated myself and my family to the Immaculate Heart of Mary on the 100th Anniversary of Our Lady of Fatima. As a family we are devoted to Our Lady of the Miraculous Medal. Fatima and Rue de Bac are apparitions approved by the Catholic Church. Others--such as Medjugorje and Akita...well, to be honest, I have not given them much thought. I assumed they were approved by the local ordinaries, but not by the Church as a whole, and so I don't know what that means for the faithful. I do know people whose lives have been transformed by these places of devotion (Medjugorje, in particular). Personally, I am neither fully devoted nor do I discount them. I understand the Church's role as prudent and necessary for the protection of the faithful when granting approval of such apparitions.

One Marian apparition I did come across recently is Our Lady of Good Success. It was approved by the local bishop, but as to it's approval by the Church as a whole, I'm not informed enough to know. That being said, I am sharing the message imparted and background to be taken at face value, for what it is. You can decide for yourself if it's worth heading. My sources are linked at the bottom of the page. The Virgin's message as recorded from said sources are italicized.

I love Our Lady and am devoted to her, so I am not willing to discount anything, but I try to be discerning as well and not overly-fanatical if such devotion would be erroneous or damaging to spiritual health. I don't know. Maybe someone with better discernment will be able to correct me, but I share the following in that spirit.

--------


From 1594 to 1634, the Virgin Mary appeared to Mother Mariana de Jesús Torres, a nun of the Conceptionist Order in Quito, Ecuador. She received the stigmata and entered into Hell as a victim soul for Jesus, suffering the torments of the damned for five agonizing years.

"A worldwide campaign against the virtues of chastity and purity will succeed in corrupting the youth...evil will invade childhood innocence. The clergy will leave much to be desired because priests will become careless in their sacred duties...Faithful priests upholding the Faith will suffer greatly and will be overwhelmed with vexations in order to stop them from fulfilling their ministry. The precious light of Faith will be extinguished in souls by the almost total corruption of customs."

“The Devil will try to persecute the ministers of the Lord in every possible way; he will labor with cruel and subtle astuteness to deviate them from the spirit of their vocation and will corrupt many of them. These depraved priests, who will scandalise the Christian people, will make the hatred of bad Catholics and the enemies of the Roman Catholic and Apostolic Church fall upon all priests.

This apparent triumph of Satan will bring enormous suffering to the good Pastors of the Church, the many good priests, and the Supreme Pastor and Vicar of Christ on earth, who, a prisoner in the Vatican, will shed secret and bitter tears in the presence of his God and Lord, beseeching light, sanctity and perfection for all the clergy of the world, of whom he is King and Father.”


Early in the morning of January 21, 1610, Mother Mariana was favored by an apparition of the Archangels St. Michael, St. Gabriel and St. Raphael. Then Our Lady appeared and related many predictions:

"Thus I make it known to you that from the end of the 19th century and shortly after the middle of the 20th century, in what is today the Colony and will then be the Republic of Ecuador, the passions will erupt and there will be a total corruption of customs (morals), for Satan will reign almost completely by means of the Masonic sects.

"They will focus principally on the children in order to sustain this general corruption. Woe to the children of these times! It will be difficult to receive the Sacrament of Baptism, and also that of Confirmation... Often during this epoch the enemies of Jesus Christ, instigated by the Devil, will steal consecrated hosts from the churches, so that they might profane the Eucharistic Species...

"As for the Sacrament of Matrimony... it will be attacked and deeply profaned... The Catholic spirit will rapidly decay; the precious light of the Faith will gradually be extinguished... Added to this will be the effects of secular education, which will be one reason for the dearth of priestly and religious vocations.

"The Sacrament of Holy Orders will be ridiculed, oppressed, and despised... The Devil will try to persecute the ministers of the Lord in every possible way; he will labor with cruel and subtle astuteness to deviate them from the spirit of their vocation and will corrupt many of them. These depraved priests, who will scandalize the Christian people, will make the hatred of bad Catholics and the enemies of the Roman Catholic and Apostolic Church fall upon all priests...

"Further, in these unhappy times, there will be unbridled luxury, which will ensnare the rest into sin and conquer innumerable frivolous souls, who will be lost. Innocence will almost no longer be found in children, nor modesty in women. In this supreme moment of need of the Church, the one who should speak will fall silent."



In February of 1634, Mother Mariana was praying before the Blessed Sacrament, when the sanctuary lamp extinguished itself and the Blessed Virgin explained to her the five meanings of the extinguishing of the Tabernacle light:

I.

"The first significance is that at the end of the 19th century and into the 20th century, various heresies will be propagated in this land, then a free Republic. As these heresies spread and dominate, the precious light of Faith will be extinguished in souls by the almost total corruption of customs (morals). During this period, there will be great physical and moral calamities, both public and private.

"The small number of souls who, hidden, will preserve the treasure of the Faith and the virtues will suffer an unspeakably cruel and prolonged martyrdom. Many of them will succumb to death from the violence of their sufferings, and those who sacrifice themselves for Church and Country will be counted as martyrs.

"In order to free men from bondage to these heresies, those whom the merciful love of My Most Holy Son will destine for that restoration will need great strength of will, constancy, valor and much confidence in God. To test this faith and confidence of the just, there will be occasions when everything will seem to be lost and paralyzed. This, then, will be the happy beginning of the complete restoration."

II.

"The second meaning," Our Lady said, "is that My Convent, being greatly reduced in size, will be submerged in a fathomless ocean of indescribable bitterness, and will seem to be drowning in these diverse waters of tribulations." Many authentic vocations will perish, She continued. Injustice would enter even this Convent, "disguised under the name of false charity, wreaking havoc in souls." And faithful souls, weeping in secret and imploring that such dire times be shortened, would suffer a continuous and slow martyrdom.

III.

"The third reason the lamp was extinguished is because of the spirit of impurity that will saturate the atmosphere in those times. Like a filthy ocean, it will run through the streets, squares and public places with an astonishing liberty.

"There will be almost no virgin souls in the world," Our Lady told her. The delicate flower of virginity would be threatened by complete annihilation. However, She promised that there would always be some good souls in cloisters where it might take root, grow and live like a shield to deflect Divine Wrath. "Without virginity," She said, "it would be necessary for fire from Heaven to fall upon these lands to purify them."

IV.

The fourth reason for the lamp being quenched is that the Masonic sects, having infiltrated all the social classes, would subtly introduce its teaching into domestic ambiences in order to corrupt the children, and the Devil would glory in dining upon the exquisite delicacy of the hearts of children.

"During these unfortunate times," Our Lady foretold, "evil will assault childhood innocence. In this way, vocations to the priesthood will be lost, which will be a true calamity."

Again Our Lady promised that during this time there would still be religious communities who will sustain the Church and holy ministers of the altar—hidden and beautiful souls, who will labor with valor and disinterested zeal for the salvation of souls. "Against them," She warned, "the impious will rage a cruel war, letting fall on them vituperations, calumnies and vexations in order to impede the fulfillment of their ministry. But they, like firm columns, will remain unswerving and will confront everything with the spirit of humility and sacrifice with which they will be vested, by virtue of the infinite merits of My Most Holy Son, Who will love them in the innermost fibers of His Most Holy and Tender Heart."

During this time, Our Lady foretold, "the secular clergy will be far removed from its ideal, because the priests will become careless in their sacred duties. Lacking the Divine compass, they will stray from the road traced by God for the priestly ministry and they will become attached to wealth and riches, which they will unduly strive to obtain.

"How the Church will suffer on that occasion—the dark night of the lack of a Prelate and Father to watch over them with paternal love, gentleness, strength, discernment and prudence. Many priests will lose their spirit, placing their souls in great danger."

Our Lady continued to explain the fourth reason for the extinguishing of the Tabernacle light: "Therefore, pray insistently without tiring and weep with bitter tears in the secrecy of your heart. Implore our Celestial Father that, for the love of the Eucharistic Heart of My Most Holy Son and His Precious Blood shed with such generosity... He might take pity on His ministers and bring to an end those ominous times, and send to the Church the Prelate who will restore the spirit of Her priests.

"My Most Holy Son and I will love this favored Son with a love of predilection, and We will gift Him with a rare capacity, humility of heart, docility to Divine inspiration, the strength to defend the rights of the Church, and a tender and compassionate heart, so that, like another Christ, He will assist the great and small, without despising the more unfortunate souls who ask Him for light and counsel in their doubts and hardships. Into His hands the scales of the Sanctuary will be placed, so that everything is weighed with due measure and God will be glorified."

Our Lady continued, "The lukewarmness of all the souls consecrated to God in the priestly and religious state will delay the coming of this Prelate and Father. This, then, will be the cause of the cursed Devil taking possession of this land, where he will achieve his victories by means of a foreign and faithless people, so numerous that, like a black cloud, it will obscure the pure heavens of the then Republic consecrated to the Sacred Heart of My Divine Son.

"With these people, all the vices will enter, which will attract in their turn every type of chastisement, such as plagues, famines, internal fighting and external disputes with other nations, and apostasy, the cause of the perdition of so many souls so dear to Jesus Christ and to Me.

"In order to dissipate this black cloud which prevents the Church from enjoying the clear day of liberty, there will be a formidable and frightful war, which will see the bloodshed of countrymen and foreigners, of secular and regular priests, and of religious. That night will be most horrible, for, humanly speaking, evil will seem to triumph.

"This, then, will mark the arrival of My hour, when I, in a marvelous way will dethrone the proud and cursed Satan, trampling him under My feet and fettering him in the infernal abyss. Thus the Church and Country will finally be free of his cruel tyranny."

V.

The fifth reason that the lamp was extinguished is due to the laxity and the negligence of those who possess great wealth, who will indifferently stand by and watch the Church being oppressed, virtue being persecuted, and the triumph of the Devil, without piously employing their riches for the destruction of this evil and the restoration of the Faith. And it is also due to the indifference of the people in allowing the Name of God to be gradually extinguished and in adhering to the spirit of evil, freely delivering themselves over to vices and passions.


More here and here.

Our Lady of Good Success, pray for us!

A Revolution of Saints

I've been reading a lot--a lot--the past few weeks about the McCarrick scandal in the Church. Of course it goes deeper than this one incident with this one prelate, to a much deeper and darker network within the Church. The abuse and betrayal is both sickening and saddening. But I don't want to pile on to what has already been written and said much more comprehensively by others than I could write. Instead, I just want to bring one thing to light, one thing that is both unnerving and, for me, as distressing as all the hurt and betrayal caused by this scandal.

And that one thing is this: I think many of those in authority--priests, bishops, cardinals--are playing the game, talking the talk, being good administrators, saying the right things.

My fear is that there are many who don't actually believe what they are professing.

I know this shouldn't be surprising to me. After all, Paul calls the followers of Christ "fools" in the best sense of the word (1 Cor 4:10)--those who are completely committed and willing to lose face for the Kingdom. But because we are worldly, feeling like a fool in the eyes of the world can sting a little. It reminds us we have not truly left behind everything to follow Christ, but retain our friendship with the world. Who wants to be a fool anyway?

I learned quickly after becoming Catholic that there were "qualifiers" to the mandates of our faith. We are called to feed the hungry and clothe the naked--but not, like, literally. It is hard for the rich to enter the Kingdom, but, you know. We are called to enter into death with Christ. But let's not get carried away now.

When I read the Rod Dreher piece in the American Conservative about the "conservative" prelate who headed up the Napa Institute and the ensuing "call to holiness" to attendees, I could see myself as one of the gullible idiots who "actually believes this stuff." It may be a wake up call that renewal may not necessarily be coming from the Church hierarchy or from more parish programs, and that we would be holding our breath in thinking that. In these situations, anger and impatience is palpable. But if we are going to start a revolution, it will need to be a revolution of the spirit. And it will have to start from the inside-out.

That's why I feel such love and affinity for disciples like the supreme dodo, Mother Angelica. I do hope she is canonized, because we need more witnesses to a faith that puts in on the line. We're past the point of cultural Catholicism for sure. But we're even past the point of doing what's safe and comfortable and expecting a return on our dollar-fifty investment. We need more Mother Angelica's to show us what a "theology of risk" looks like.

"You want to do something for the Lord...do it. Whatever you feel needs to be done, even though you're shaking in your boots, you're scared to death--take the first step forward. The grace comes with that one step and you get the grace as you step. Being afraid is not a problem; it's doing nothing when you're afraid."

You might say, "well, not everyone is called to be saints." I don't understand you. I mean, I understand what you've been told, and I've heard the words before, but they do not compute. I was raised very conservatively--not with regards to politics or socially, but to eschew risk, to play it safe, to be careful. Such things have no place in the life of a disciple. We are called to be innocent as doves and wise as serpents, yes. But faith is a great gamble. You gamble with your life. You only have one life. It is a big gamble, but it's not reckless when you trust and have a relationship with the One you are willing to look like a fool for.

"I am convinced God is looking for dodoes. He found one: me! There are a lot of smart people out there who know it can't be done, so they don't do it. But a dodo doesn't know it can't be done. God uses dodoes: people who are willing to look ridiculous so God can do the miraculous."

What made Mother Angelica a "dodo?" I think it consisted of two things: she was herself, and she believed what was saying. Why would anyone profess this religion of ours without believing it? Prayer, mortification, self-sacrifice, poverty--none of it makes sense without belief, and is useless without it. Mother Angelica believed it, believed the words of our Savior, "ask and you will receive," (Mt 7:7) and "I will do anything you ask of me," (Jn 14:13). She BELIEVED! Hers is a high-stakes faith.

"He expects me to operate on a faith level, not a knowledge level. He expects me to operate--if I don't have the money, if I don't have the brains, if I don't have the talent--in faith. You know what faith is? Faith is one foot on the ground, one foot in the air, and a queasy feeling in the stomach."

Have our prelates forgotten their calling? Do they believe what they preach? I'm not sure. But I wonder how much of that underlies the current mess. If you don't really believe what you're pitching, how can you expect anyone else to? If you don't have faith, what is your career-oriented "religion" worth?

It can feel paralyzing as a member of the laity to exact any institutional change in something so insulated and far removed. I wouldn't know the first thing about "reforming the Curia." But I do know that all throughout history, reform came from bottom up, not top down. It started with an uneducated rabble of twelve. God sent the holy fool, St. Francis of Assisi to rebuild what had fallen into disrepair. During the upheaval of the Reformation, God drew up great saints to renew the Church: St Francis de Sales, St. Philip Neri, St. Thomas More, St. Teresa of Avila, St. Ignatius of Loyola.

You don't get anywhere without risking something. And we don't get anywhere without an army. The power doesn't rest in mighty ability or smarts or talent--it rests in FAITH in the ONE TRUE GOD who has the POWER to accomplish EVERYTHING! I have literally never made a convert in my entire life, and I may never. To devote my life, everything I have and am, to something that may never be accomplished in my lifetime--that is the mark of a pitiable fool.

No matter. We are fools for Christ, are we not? We may not be able to make converts or exact reform, but we can reform ourselves, can we not? And not just me, and not just you, but anyone, by the power of Christ, who gives the grace to those who ask to accomplish the work. It is so simple, so uncomplicated.

Even if our parish priests do not believe that sainthood is possible for your 'average Joe'--we will believe. Even if our bishops do not risk or suffer indignation for the Faith--we will risk, and suffer indignation for the Faith, for our Christ. Even if we live out a "revolution of one" in our own homes, having no examples around us to follow except the Jesus of the Gospels and the saints we read about in books, and never see the fruit, we can die with the assurance that we did not go comfortably or quietly to our graves.

That's a theology worth learning, a risk worth taking. That's belief in action, the ember of which will spark the revolution of saints, the renewal in the Church, and the fortification of final perseverance in the Last Days.

One foot on the ground

One foot in the air

A queasy feeling in the stomach

That's faith...for those who believe "these sorts of things."

"All My Desire Is Before You": A Scriptural Meditation On Rebuke

“Teach me, and I will be silent; make me understand how I have gone astray. 

How painful are honest words!" 

(Job 6:24-25)

I've had a pretty severe past couple days. It wouldn't be apparent from the outside, but the Lord has been very merciful to me in his rebuke. A little disorienting at first, I'll admit, and painful too.

"No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it." (Heb 12:11)

I prayed in Adoration to know my sins and to accept discipline, and the Lord did not disappoint. Like a loving Father, he made them plain, and did not spare the rod of correction.

"A fool spurns his father's discipline, but whoever heeds correction shows prudence." (Prov 15:5)

For everything He is building up, He needs to tear down what came before it. For everything He is planting first needs to incubate in the womb of silence. For there is "a time to be silent, and a time to speak" (Ecc 3:7). But what is prudence, Lord, and how can I gain it? For prudence tells us what needs to be done, when it needs to be done, and how it needs to be done.

"Therefore he who is prudent will keep silent in such a time, for it is an evil time." (Amos 5:13)

So, maybe it is a good time to be silent, to make retreat in the midst of my busy days. To guard my tongue and measure the words from my mouth:

"So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things. How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire!" (James 3:17-18)

The Lord sends inner humiliations as well, to fortify us against pride and the pernicious temptations of the Enemy, so that we might see our sins and be ashamed.

"Let no one deceive himself. If anyone among you thinks that he is wise in this age, let him become a fool that he may become wise." (1 Cor 3:18)

It is easy to fall prey to thinking we are someone, something, having any merit.

"Not many of you should become teachers, my brothers, for you know that we who teach will be judged with greater strictness. For we all stumble in many ways." (James 3:1-2)

Christian men, take the beating, but take it from the Lord first. For he only beats and corrects the ones He loves, His own children:

"Blows and wounds cleanse away evil, and beatings purge the innermost being." (Prov 20:30)

Lord, I am so grateful. What did I do to deserve Your correction, Your love? Nothing. Keep me in silence, Lord. Feed me with your Word and sustain me in my aloneness. Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. (Ps 51:10)

"For one day in your courts is better than a thousand elsewhere." (Ps 84:10)

"The Unholy Vice of Self Esteem"

A few weeks ago I started a blog post on the topic of the sin of vainglory, based on the writings of St. John Climacus. But I got bogged down in some theological underbrush concerning the work of St. John Cassian, and never finished it. Why did I feel compelled to write about it? Well, let's just say it must have been on my mind.

Maybe it's best I never got it off the ground. After all, how can a man who suffers from the temptation to, and sin of, vainglory, who has not mastered it, possibly write about how to deal with it? Like a blind man leading a blind man.

But then last night I read an article at Aleteia on the topic that struck a nerve, jabbed a finger in the side and twisted a little. Somebody had beat me to it, but it was much better that I read it from someone who obviously has a much better mastery over this sin than I do.

In my twenties, lust and chastity were the respective temptation and elusive virtue of the day for me. I wrote about the "finger in the side"--reading a book about chastity in marriage, that caused me to throw it across the room, here. It was a severe and painful mercy. I've learned to pay attention to those moments. I had a similar reaction to this article. I woke up from some unsettling dreams after reading it before bed (I never dream) and my spirit continues to be unsettled today.

Honestly, the sin of lust and unchastity has for the most part been tempered and set underfoot now in my late thirties. But like a Whac-a-Mole game at Chuck-E-Cheese, you get a hold of one sin and another pops us to be wrestled with. By and far away the most pernicious that I deal with today, is pride and vainglory. The Devil just. never. quits.

St. John Climacus rejects the view that pride and vainglory should be separate from one another to constitute eight (rather than seven) deadly sins. I kind of held this view without even knowing much about how the devil uses these temptations against us. St. John recounts it in this way, and it stopped me dead in my tracks:

"A man of insight told me this: "I was once sitting at an assembly," he said. "The demon of vainglory and the demon of pride came to sit on either side of me. One poked me with the finger of vainglory and encouraged me to talk publicly about some vision or labor of mine in the desert. I shook him off with the words, 'Let those who wish me harm be driven back and let them be ashamed' (Ps. 39:15). Then the demon on my left at once said in my ear, 'Well done! Well done! You have become great by conquering my shameless mother.' Turning to him I answered appropriately, making use of the rest of the verse, 'Defeat and shame on all who say, "Well done! Well done!" "And how is it, I asked him, that vainglory is the mother of pride?" His answer was this, "Praise exalts and puffs me up, and when the soul is exalted, pride lifts it up as high as heaven-and then throws it down into the abyss.""

There is an antidote, however:

"The Lord often humbles the vainglorious by causing some dishonor to befall them. And indeed the first step in overcoming vainglory is to remain silent and to accept dishonor gladly. The middle stage is to restrain every act of vainglory while it is still in thought. The end - insofar as one may talk of an end to an abyss - is to be able to accept humiliation before others without actually feeling it. 

Do not conceal your sin because of the idea that you must not scandalize your neighbor. Of course this injunction must not be adhered to blindly. It will depend on the nature of one's sinfulness. 

If ever we seek glory, if it comes our way uninvited, or if we plan some course of action because of our vainglory, we should think of our mourning and of the blessed fear on us as we stood alone in prayer before God. If we do this we will assuredly outflank shameless vainglory, that is if our wish for true prayer is genuine. If this is insufficient let us briefly remember that we must die. Should this also prove ineffective, let us at least go in fear of the shame that always comes after honor, for assuredly he who exalts himself will be humbled not only there but here also. 

When those who praise us, or, rather, those who lead us astray, begin to exalt us, we should briefly remember the multitude of our sins, and in this way we will discover that we do not deserve whatever is said or done in our honor. 

Some of the prayers of the vainglorious no doubt deserve to win the attention of God, but He regularly anticipates their wishes and petitions so that their pride may not be increased by the success of their prayers. 

Simpler people do not usually succumb to the poison of vainglory, which is, after all, a loss of simplicity and a hypocritical way of life."

These teachings and admonitions above are on the topic "On Vainglory" and is separated out from the section "On Pride." But because Pride is the most deadly of sins ("alien to every virtue, as darkness is to light"), and vainglory its handmaiden, it should lead us to recoil in horror when we find it spreading roots in our souls. It was pride that led to Satan's fall from heaven, for "The proud man wants to be in charge of things. He would feel lost otherwise." When you can relate to and nod your head to such words, you had better get to your knees, and fast. Nothing should fill us with more horror or dis-ease than pride and its cousin vainglory in our midst.

What has exacerbated this so much in my life is the "double edged sword" use of social media. I am really edified by the community, my Catholic friends with whom we pray for one another, educate, and support. I learn a lot from others more seasoned than myself. But it is also a platform for exhibitionism, humblebragging, envy, covertness, dejection, flattery, intemperance, lack of prudence, lack of charity, self-love, vainglory, and, yes, pride. I regard it is a tool in my life, but it is one with a lot of power, one I am not all that great at or skilled in handling. It's hard for me to regulate, and test my resolve with regards the passions, even under the mantle of faith and religious veneer. I want to cut it off completely, like a hand or eye that causes me to sin.

I think back to reading something from an interview with the Abbot at the Abbey of Gesthemane, who was the spiritual father of Thomas Merton (or maybe it was a friend, I can't remember). He said that Fr. Louis (Thomas Merton) wanted to be a hermit, so long as his hermitage was in Times Square with a neon sign above it announcing "Hermit lives here!"

How shameful. Thomas Merton is not someone I want to emulate. And yet how much I can relate. I would say it is the exhibitionist curse of being a writer. But the truth is, we all struggle against pride, vainglory, and the thirst for recognition in our own ways. We all seek recognition and affirmation in our own ways. I am not unique, but when I see it in myself, I am deeply ashamed, embarrassed, and singed by the horror at the realization of the fate of such a person who is overtaken by this passion and sin. As Nathan the prophet told David when he could not see, "You are that man!"

I don't know what to do about social media. I can't cut it out completely, as I an administrator for pages for work. I'm bad at setting rules and regulating things. I am grateful to the author of the article at Aleteia for putting a finger in my side. I know what I need to focus on, what I need to throw myself on the mercy of God in prayer for. Get it into the light, flush it out, and remember that I am nothing, I merit nothing, and I can do nothing on my own.

Please pray for me for discernment and fortitude.

A Letter From A Reader, On Contraception

A reader writes:

"I just saw you on The Journey Home. It was good stuff and I am sorry for the losses you and your wife had along the way. My wife and I are converts. Since you write about chastity I figured you might be interested in this dilemma and if you avoid using my name you can use it for your blog.  

As Catholic converts my wife and I opened our hearts to have two more children together. Our very first pregnancy after marriage was a loss but together we had four healthy children. But after our 4th child with my wife being close to 40 we decided to use NFP to not get pregnant. We went to NFP professionals when we got pregnant anyway and they said “Holy Spirit baby”. Our hearts were open for this surprise. But we miscarried at 5 weeks. We were heartbroken and we used NFP again to avoid pregnancy with charts being reviewed again by NaPro trained medical professionals. We still got pregnant and lost another one at 10 weeks. My wife nearly passed out when the last part of her pseudo labor happened. DNA test showed there was a chromosomal defect. We then added another NFP related method to avoid a pregnancy with the NFP medical coaching. She got pregnant again.  

I wish I could say we had a miracle baby like you. The pregnancy was going along quite well and our hopes were up. But we lost our son at 18 weeks and his body was delivered at the hospital. Our hearts were broken with that June of last year. Months passed. In my pre-Catholic days I was in an odd form of Christianity that suspended critical thinking. I have faith in Jesus and the Church he founded. I admire the courage of Humanae Vitae. But I also admire things said in Amores Laeticia. So after praying about it my wife and I have decided to use contraception. We take no joy in giving the middle finger to Jesus or the Church. But we are a red blooded couple who simply cannot trust NFP to be accurate anymore. 

Are we in sin headed for hell? We are open to a live baby even though my wife is now almost 41 and I am 48 and I have 3 kids from before. But we are not open to a dead baby or my wife nearly needing a blood transfusion like she did at the hospital. I am a proud Catholic and I would humbly submit that my wife and I are not in danger of the fires of hell from a merciful and just God. 

(Ps: my wife reminded me that I forgot to mention in our final miscarriage/stillbirth that it was confirmed she has a virus that is developed in her body where having another baby is strongly advised against. The Doctor Who strongly advised against conception once the virus was discovered is a practicing, devout Catholic who works under full agreement with Humanae Vitae.")

Thanks for your heartfelt and honest message. I can say a few things, and there will be a lot left unsaid too. I understand your fear all too well. It sounds like you and your wife have gone through a lot. I'm not good at giving advice or guidance, because I really know nothing. But I will share some thoughts.

First, the Church is clear on the issue. We are very blessed to be Catholic because, probably more than any other Christian denomination, we have clear teaching to guide us. I know you probably know or are familiar with this, since you reference HV, but the use of contraception is by nature "intrinsically evil" (CCC 2370) and "legitimate intentions on the part of the spouses do not justify recourse to morally unacceptable means . . . for example, direct sterilization or contraception" (CCC 2399).

But I don't think you are writing because you don't know.

It's a separate issue and may seem out of left field, but on the topic of abortion, the position is sometimes taken to be against abortion "except in cases of rape or incest," kind of like an insertion of an arbitrary clause. This, too, is understandable but not consistent with the Church's teaching of abortion: "Since the first century the Church has affirmed the moral evil of every procured abortion. This teaching has not changed and remains unchangeable. Direct abortion, that is to say, abortion willed either as an end or a means, is gravely contrary to the moral law" (CCC 2271).

I mention this for a few reasons. For one, it's easy to talk about being opposed to abortion. But if you are the one finding yourself a victim of rape and pregnant as a result, that is a situation in which your convictions are tested. Because it's no longer an abstract issue--it's your life. What do you do? Do you invoke the clause (which is popularly accepted in politics and culture, but not consistent with the Church's teaching), or do you carry to term? If you are a practicing Catholic, have faith in Christ and the teaching of the Church, and you know what the right thing to do is, that doesn't make it easy to carry out. But you know.

Your only question from your message is this: Are we in sin headed for hell? I would like to tell you a story:

When I was 19, I was dating a very nice Catholic girl. I was a fresh convert (had only been Catholic about a year) and as I mentioned on the show, was always bothered by the Church's teaching on birth control because it just didn't seem to square with 'real life.' This girl gave me a book of Catholic fiction called "Pierced By A Sword" by an author named Bud MacFarlane Jr. I read the book but don't remember anything from it except one line from a scene in which a man dies and is facing his judgment and the Devil says, "Contraception has made you mine." I threw the book across the room.

I read that book almost twenty years ago. I still remember that line today. It woke me up, was a thorn in my side for twenty years, and it took me almost twenty years to get on board with the Church's teachings, and that was under relatively favorable circumstances. But I never forgot it. The people who shot me straight in those ensuing years I railed against and hated. But I am very grateful for them now.

Your cross is not my cross, and my cross is not yours. Each of our crosses is custom made for us individually. If pregnancy is not advisable, and you do not trust NFP, a moral recourse in the eyes of the Church is complete abstinence. I cannot speak to this, only to periods of abstinence in our marriage. Personally, I don't think contraception makes anything better or ultimately solves anything. I mean, it does on the surface seemingly, but I think when you dig deep to the spiritual undercurrent, I personally would be uneasy taking this route if it would put our family outside of a state of grace, because we rely so heavily on grace just to survive, spiritually speaking.

Do you have a priest or spiritual director you can speak with about this, someone with compassion who will also challenge you to be faithful to what Christ calls us to in discernment and prayer? Keep in mind I am not a priest or any kind of spiritual guy or expert on these matters, just a Catholic guy like you, trying to get to Heaven with my family in tow. That means the cross. It is inescapable. My crosses are on the horizon, of that I'm sure.

In light of my inadequacy to give any kind of comfort in this response, I will be praying a nine-day novena asking for the intercession of Servant of God Chiara Corbella for you and your wife as it relates to this topic. If you haven't read her story, you can here.

God bless you my brother,

Rob

An Iron Fist In A Velvet Glove

I was chatting with a friend recently about why certain writers and media personalities in our little Catholic world make it big. I was complaining that I had liked some of these writers initially because they wrote about things of substance, things of God and the truth of the Church's teachings, but that now I couldn't relate to anything they wrote about since they had gained a modicum of popularity. She said it was because they work "the formula": 1) make yourself easily relatable with tales of how your life/house is a mess (whose isn't?), you can't fit into the cool jeans anymore or forgot to put on deodorant, etc; 2) sprinkle in occasional faux-controversial opinion so it's not just all fluff; 3) mix with equal parts snark and self-deprecation and voila, you have a Catholic (sort of) following. Brilliant.

Now, of course "the formula" can work across all social and political spectrums, both left and right. But I'd like to focus on how it has been modified and used effectively by one lobby in particular to subvert the natural order, normalize it's place in society, and attempt to take down the Church from within.

How an argument is framed determines how an issue will be understood and acted upon. The one doing the framing is the one who often has the upper hand in a debate. A really interesting analysis of the rhetorical devices employed in President Obama's 2010 Nobel Prize acceptance speech can be read here. Take, for example, the appeal to emotions through stories, an effective tactic of the Left:

"Emotions can be elicited through the use of metaphors and images, as in the succession of three vivid scenarios in Obama’s penultimate paragraph: the outgunned but valiant soldier; the protestor marching despite brutal oppression; and the mother sacrificing herself for her child’s education ‘because she believes that a cruel world still has a place for that child’s dreams.’ Further metaphors in Obama’s speech include faith in human progress as ‘the North Star that guides us on our journey’ and acts as our ‘moral compass.’"

Typecasting is another method used:

"The use of pronouns is not limited to an US versus THEM divisiveness, but can also promote credit-seeking and responsibility-shunning. In Obama’s speech it is notable that when he wants to share the responsibility for actions undertaken, and perhaps even defuse blame, he uses the first person plural ‘we’ pronoun, but when he wants to take credit for actions and achievements, and thereby show his leadership, he uses the singular pronoun ‘I’. In the following passage, Obama shifts from ‘we’ to ‘I’ and back. The plural pronoun is used when community-building and identity-defining values are being spoken about, and the singular pronoun when he lists the measures he personally has undertaken in order to contribute to those values and the community and identity that go with them."

And appeals to authority and precedent:

"Another persuasive framing strategy involves the appeal to authority and precedent, in the form citations of great men. Ghandi, Kennedy and Martin Luther King are all cited by Obama, to dual effect. First, he aligns himself with the thinking of these men by quoting them, and this creates a frame of reference within which he can then situate himself more precisely."

There are many more examples of argument framing that you can read about in the context of President Obama's speech. But I don't want to get bogged down in rhetorical analysis; I just use it to set the stage to show how effective LGBT activists have been at eliciting sympathy to their cause, and how they have effectively gone from sympathetic underdog to punishing juggernaut.

Everybody loves an underdog. I'm in Eagles territory in this part of the country, and when they won the Superbowl this past year over the Patriots, Philly went nuts. The Eagles were the underdogs--they had the heart and drive; the Patriots were pretty "establishment," self-assured and confident they would notch another championship in their bedpost. It was a great game, the Birds came out ahead in a legendary kind of way, and everyone loved it.

I remember being taken in by the narrative, pre-Obergefell, of gays as a persecuted minority. This was in light of the horrible death of Matthew Shepard which I heard about when I began college, and generally being sympathetic to the plight of those who were oppressed and without power. Everyone wants to be liked, and no one wants to be on the 'wrong side of history.' I was no exception. On the eve of Obergefell, I, like many others, just did not know the implications of the agenda. We were stuck on the surface level of the social, watching haplessly as the whole thing unfolded. After all, who could be against love? Who didn't want to stand for civil rights? What young person wanted to be seen as an oppressor?

Of course, the agent of oppression par excellence, the conservative Goliath of the day, was the Catholic Church. The laws of government, they could change. The culture, it could change. But the teaching of the Church--they could never change. They were beyond the reach of political activism and social momentum. And that, in many ways, induced an impotent and smoldering rage against the Church that could only be attacked through infiltration and subversion.

All this had started years before, of course. When the Trojan horse was wheeled in, the Church in it's clumsy armor and lumbering beaurocracratic stature was slow to respond. The faithful didn't have the weapons to fight with or a map to see where they were being flanked. As we are seeing now, it was also weakened and paralyzed from within by the moral hypocrisy and secret lives of many of its leaders. In short, the foot soldiers and activists in the gay rights were effective by their sheer determination to manifest change and their grass-roots activism. Like a start-up trying to compete with an established corporate giant, they may not be able to outspend them, but they can outwork them. After all, for them this was not an abstract "issue"--it was personal; it was their lives, and they were willing to fight to enact change.

We are fighting a political battle, but beneath that we are in a spiritual war, as many of the faithful are starting to wake up to. When we see drag queens leading children's story time in public libraries, the altars of Catholic churches blasphemously draped in rainbow flags, and indoctrination in public schools, Catholics and Christians are recognizing that we are being targeted not only from the outside, but within our own ranks.

The story of David and Goliath is a famed story in the Bible. It has been referenced in many different contexts, both religious and secular. Whereas pre-Obergefell one may have regarded the LBGT movement as the Davids fighting the religious and social bigotry of clueless but powerful Goliaths like the Catholic Church, this narrative has been inverted. The LGBT lobby has corporate backing, social support, civil standing, and powerful allies. They have become a fearful Goliath for the faithful, as we do not have the support of our Church to fight. They (both lay and hierarchy alike) have, effectively, run away like the Israelites who "fled from him in great fear." (1 Sam 17:24) while the Jack Phillips, the Colorado baker who stood up and fought all the way to the Supreme Court, trust in the Lord their God with sling and stone.

In many ways, the LGBT Goliath is like a "fist of iron in a glove of velvet." I've often wondered why most gay people I've met are "so nice." I've watched shows like Will & Grace, and just assumed that reflected the reality of most gay relationships. They have the money. They have the backing. They have the rhetoric and stories. But they don't have the Truth, because what they fight for is opposed to it.

I always found it interesting that Augustine, the master orator, before his conversion was put off by the crude and clumsy language of the Bible. It was "unworthy" when compared to the words of Cicero, Virgil, Seneca and others who set the standard for proper language and literary expression. The Latin bible of Augustine's day was an affront to his rhetorical and literary sensibilities--rough and inelegant. "In Augustine's culture, there was a strong aesthetic assumption that truth and beauty (style) had an important reciprocal relationship. The poor style of the Latin Bible made it seem unconvincing and, as Augustine himself describes it, unworthy."

And yet, it was through reading the crude and clumsy words of Scripture when he heard the words of a child saying "Take and read," that he was converted. It cut through his dress and went straight for his heart. This is the power of Truth, the power of God.

When David fearlessly approaches and accepts the challenge of the uncircumcised Philistine, Saul dressed David in his own tunic. He put a coat of armor on him and a bronze helmet on his head. David fastened on his sword over the tunic and tried walking around, because he was not used to them. But “I cannot go in these,” he said to Saul, “because I am not used to them.” So he took them off. Then he took his staff in his hand, chose five smooth stones from the stream, put them in the pouch of his shepherd’s bag and, with his sling in his hand, approached the Philistine. (1 Sam 17:38-40)

I fear for the institutional Church. I retain faith in her supernatural role as the bulwark and pillar of Truth (1 Tim 3:15), but I am losing faith in Her leaders. We need to be less like Sauls, attempting to fight our enemies wearing the clumsy, cumbersome amour of religious institutionality, and more like Davids armed with sling and stone--personal holiness, faith, prayer, fasting, mortification, sacramentals--and a fearless and righteous standing against those who would oppose the Living God. We know what faith the size of a mustard seed can accomplish. We know the blood of the martyrs is the seed of the church. We know the power of God who has won the war in Christ, even when we lose battles on the cultural, social, and political front. We are fighting for our lives, yes, but the real persecution has yet to come.

The real battle in these coming days will not be over laws and culture, but souls. They may have eloquent words and corporate backing, but the faithful, the remnant, will be the ones fighting as the world acquiesces to spiritual defeat by way of assimilation and approval. We may be fighting the Lord's battle against His enemies with sling and stone...but we will be fighting and will remember the words of David, "All those gathered here will know that it is not by sword or spear that the Lord saves; for the battle is the Lord’s, and he will give all of you into our hands.”" (1 Sam 17:47)

How To Find A (Good) Spiritual Director

Someone asked me recently how to go about finding a good spiritual director. The honest truth is: I don't know. It can be very hard. I prayed for years for God to provide for me in this area.

I'm fortunate in that I feel that I have a good, solid, holy, orthodox spiritual director. He is a priest and monk who is a member of a religious community about a two hour drive from me. I will try to see him in person a few times a year for confession and counsel (though I would go to Confession once a month at my local parish). He also does use Skype, so that is a real blessing because once a month or so I'm able to have a check-in that way, which is convenient, usually on a Saturday morning. He listens well, gives good, common sense counsel, and lives a life of prayer himself. He is not old and he is not young. He has a heart for the poor, and a heart for the Lord.

It can feel like a luxury in these days to have a spiritual director as a lay person. I don't know if it's an absolute necessity, but I find it helpful to have someone to talk to about in a focused, specific kind of way as it pertains to spiritual and life matters. I don't treat it as therapy, and I am mindful of his time. As you may find, the best are often the busiest.

I am inclined to say that it is better to have no spiritual direction than bad spiritual direction. For a number of years I saw a Jesuit priest for spiritual direction. He was kind but heterodox (he wrote a book on 'reconsidering' traditional Catholic sexual ethics. I also had another spiritual director for years before that who was a priest and monk, generous with his time in writing (letter exchanges via post) and very human, but sympathetic towards Eastern spiritual practices (which jived with me at the time). So, these were not maybe the best things, and I would see them as red flags today personally, but at the time I did not and honestly, I was probably in a place then when I was fine with it.

How did I 'find' my current spiritual director? Through prayer and a bit of an underground connection. I felt lead to reach out to someone I consider to be solid, orthodox, prayerful and committed to asceticism, who passed me the name of a community. I reached out to the community via email and waited a few months. The prior received my request and arranged for one of the brothers to reach out to me, which he did. We met in person, and I got a feel for him and him for me.

A couple notes:

• I personally do not pay for spiritual direction. I don't know if that is the norm or not, but I had an instance in the past where a priest did charge me as a way of supporting himself. Personally, I was always kind of uncomfortable with that setup. It you are seeing a lay counselor I suppose maybe that is normal. I just didn't like it. I will offer prayers of thanks and prayers for the intentions of my spiritual director.
• Pay attention to intuition. Trust your gut, if you are prayerful and sincere. Don't seek out people who are going to tickle your ear with things you want to hear. You also don't want some kind of weird co-dependency either, someone who will manipulate or take advantage of any vulnerabilities. If anything feels off, pay attention to that. 
• Be mindful of their time. Oftentimes this is a work of charity for them. Like I said, Skype once a month (even that may be more than they are able to give you), and meeting in person a few times a year, with 'as needed' counsel by email or phone. I try to stay focused on what my specific 'issues' at the time are, and keep it focused and pragmatic. Counsel should be appropriate to your state in life (married or single, children and family responsibilities, etc)
• I try to read a lot of the lives of the saints, and their writings. If one is a saint, we know they are in heaven and have been vetted by the Church. We can ask for their intercession and help, and use their teachings as guides (the way you might do a kind of self-guided tour). We see in the saints certain consistent qualities--charity, prayerfulness, asceticism, obedience, general common sense. The large majority of us are not mystics, though we may be drawn to the writings of mystics. I'm more of a pragmatist, personally. Find a saint who you connect with and feel an affinity to, and learn from them and their writings.
• A good spiritual director should be a man or woman of prayer. I prefer a priest, but that's just me. Do they seem like a good, living example of someone striving for holiness? 
• Pray yourself, for wisdom and discernment, and for a clean heart, for wise counsel. "Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you." (Mt 7:7)
• Surround yourself with good, faithful, orthodox people. Seek them out, in real life if possible and if not online too (though with discernment). The company you keep will determine your connections and who you come in contact with. You never know too, where those connections might lead in this regard.

I hope maybe this will help you. I'm certainly no expert, just a busy husband and dad trying to lead his family to Heaven. Pray, hope, and don't worry, as St. Pio said. Please pray for me.

On Secret Faults

In Adoration yesterday I had a vision--nothing dramatic, but it did seem as if it came from the Lord.

I saw a man sitting on a couch, kind of a heavyset man. He had folds in his clothes, and folds in his skin, and these folds held things from his life. The couch he was sitting on, too, had crevices and places where the remote had fallen, or crumbs had collected, or coins had been lost. Like Joseph interpreting the dream of Pharaoh about the seven healthy cows and seven plump ears of grain and the seven gaunt cows and the seven blighted ears of grain in Genesis 41, I felt that the Lord was making the meaning of this vision plain.

The Greek aphorism "Know Thyself" is a spiritually fallacious one for the Christian, for a man will never arrive at the bottom of his own heart in his lifetime, and it is "the things that proceed out of the mouth come from the heart, and those defile the man" (Mt 15:18). We consider ourselves better than we are. But who can see his own eye but in a mirror? It is the work of grace that reveals our faults to us. "Who can discern his errors? Acquit me of hidden faults." (Ps 19:12)

Though it is an effort and a work to acquire self-knowledge of our own accord, it is limited. David in the comfort of his springtime, when he should have been at war, falls into sin with Bathsheba. It is Nathan who is sent to him by the Lord to rebuke him when he could not see. The words of the prophet to David, "You are the man!" are not meant to build up but to break down. He was the man who stole the sheep, who put the innocent to death, and who hid the whole ordeal. This was not an occasion for high-fiving, but castigation for the benefit of saving his soul. "Health of body and mind is a great blessing," writes Blessed John Henry Newman, "if we can bear it; but unless chastened by watchings and fastings, it will commonly seduce a man into the notion that he is much better than he really is."

Or think of Saul, who was a 99%er in obedience in his charge to completely destroy the Amalekites, and whom the Lord sent Samuel to to call him out for it with those iconic words, "what then is this bleating of sheep in my ears?" (1 Sam 15:14). Saul was under the presumption that he had fulfilled the commandment of the Lord with regards to the spoils of war. But he deceived himself and brought offense to the house of Israel. Samuel calls him out, the bleating of the sheep the audio indictment of his disobedience.

Do we watch and fast, and ask in humility for our faults to be revealed to us? Are we comfortable in our springtime in rooftop leisure, when we should be at war? Do we have a Nathan in our lives, a spiritual guide or companion who is sent by God to set us straight? We should recognize that we are never free in this life of temptation, never safe from a fall. Again the words of Blessed Newman:

"The warning to be deduced from it is this:—Never to think we have a due knowledge of ourselves till we have been exposed to various kinds of temptations, and tried on every side. Integrity on one side of our character is no voucher for integrity on another. We cannot tell how we should act if brought under temptations different from those which we have hitherto experienced. This thought should keep us humble. We are sinners, but we do not know how great. He alone knows who died for our sins."

There is never a reason to avoid Confession. God's mercy extends to all who humble themselves, and confessing regularly, even (and especially) for venial sins on our conscience, disposes us to the grace of greater self-awareness. The farther we walk on the road, the closer we get to the Savior, the more unworthy we recognize ourselves to be.

When we meet wise and seasoned people on the road, the Nathans and the Samuels, who can see things we can't and in charity point them out to us for the benefit of saving us from perdition, we should thank God for them. For our secret faults will be our downfall if they remain unconfessed, trapped in the folds of our skin and our clothes; for we will have the appearance of being clean and put together before others, but when we get up from our leisure to stand before the Lord, we will see just how slovenly and covered in crumbs the unaware man is.

You Have All That You Need

I had been a smoker and user of nicotine for at least twenty years--on and off, but mostly on. In June of 2016 I stopped, and did not use nicotine at all for a year and a half, until a few months ago when I had a cigar with a buddy and it spiraled out from there back into a full-blown addiction. The patterns and junkie-behavior were familiar, but we always have a way to rationalize such things. My issue may have been nicotine, but substitute your own--alcohol or drugs, pornography/masturbation, gossip, shopping, cutting, comfort, etc--and you'll see what I mean. When I recognized it, I brought it to the light, received encouragement and prayer, and just stopped cold turkey. I've heard smoking is harder to quit than heroin. It's been two weeks, and so far so good.

If you've ever seen someone try to kick a stranglehold like heroin, you know it's vicious. There is something almost demonic about the hold it has on a person. I took a man once to a detox center who had been using heroin since he was fifteen--that is, about seventeen years-- but wanted to be free and get clean. He was an internationally trained chef who used to teach cooking classes, but not a day had gone by that he had not had a fix, having grown up in a family of drug dealers in Puerto Rico and having always had access. When we arrived and they were preparing the room, everything was stripped bare ("so they can't kill themselves," the orderly told us) and the bed was bolted to the floor. The withdrawal was severe.

The funny thing about addiction is that it is how it relates to our free-will. Our free will is one of the greatest gifts God has given to us, because it gives us the capacity to love of our own volition. We are not robots or slaves--we can choose to accept God's love or reject it, and we in turn can choose to love or refuse to love. This is what makes love what it is and why it is so special--the freedom to will it, even (and especially) when you don't "feel" it.

As it relates to smoking, at least for me, here's the thing--it always starts with a free act of the will. For me it was being in driver's ed class and bumming one on break. I got a head rush and felt a little sick, but the more I consumed, the more my body got used to it. What started out as something pleasurable, when it moved to dependency, became less and less pleasurable and more and more about avoiding the pain and suffering that comes with withdrawal. So, you may have been living for those little moments of pleasure at one point, but when an addiction digs it's talons in and gets established, those moments become less about gaining pleasure and more about avoiding pain.

But no one had me tied to a chair popping cigarettes into my mouth and lighting them and forcing me to inhale. No, that was all me. I may have been disadvantaged through this weakened state of will, but my original culpability in taking that first drag at age 16 was completely mine. I'm not sure what I think when addictions are referred to as a disease, I don't really want to get into that debate, but I know even when it is severely weakened, we all retain our free will to a degree.

Here's another thing: drug pushers, whether the local corner soldier or the corporate company men, play on your fear. What fear, you may ask? The fear of withdrawal, of course. What became the source for pleasure now has become the cure for pain, and they have it, and they know you want it and will do whatever you need to to keep the Pain Man from rapping at your door. So they say things like, "you couldn't possibly quit, so here's a healthier alternative." It may be drug lozenges or drug gum or drug patches, or vaping, or methadone, or what-have-you. They market it like, "here's the medicine you need so you won't die," because they know your fear: the pain of withdrawal is so bad, so uncomfortable, it literally will kill me.

Planned Parenthood, America's largest abortion provider, adopts a similar tactic: you can't live without sex, so at least use contraception. And when it fails, you can't possibly carry a baby to term. There's too much going against you. Your life will be over, your dreams will never come true, you will be trapped forever. For your sake, and everyone else's, you'd be better off aborting.

Fear is a powerful motivator.  And no one plays on it better than Satan. What does it say in Scripture? "There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear" (1 John 4:18). And what do we fear? It could be anything--babies, suffering, humiliation, loss of friends, loneliness, crowds, heights, failure, loss of income, losing face, the dark, spiders...whatever it is, Satan knows it. And he will leverage it to use against us.

But fear is a specter--it lives in the mind. It doesn't exist outside of our consciousness. Julian of Norwich called sin a "no-thing"--it exists, metaphysically speaking, as a negation, the way dark is an absence of light, not a thing in and of itself. And with regards to Satan, he is a chained dog--he only has as much power as God gives him. He cannot force us to sin, only tempt us, because our will, that gift of God, is off limits. He may be rabid, he may get right up in your face and you may feel his hot stank breath and feel the slobber from his jaw, but he has no power over you. He can't touch you.

By the grace of baptism, and the sacrament of Confirmation, we have everything we need to effectively fight and resist sin, stand as witnesses, and be holy. God has given that grace to us as a free gift--to "be perfect, as your Heavenly Father is perfect" (Mt 5:48). It may be more helpful for our limited and triggered brains to think of Jesus' words more in terms of wholeness or completeness. When we do fall, when we "choose to do wrong and fail to do good," we have the grace of the sacrament of Confession and absolution, to get up and get back in the ring and fight. Fall, get up. Fall, get up. Get up, get up, get up. When we are in a weakened state (which is really all the time), we need to rely not on our own strength, but on God's strength and grace, which He imparts to all who ask for it (Mt 7:7; 21:22)

Sin is like an addiction--it's not so much the pleasure of experiencing it (always fleeting, always bitter), but the avoidance of the suffering that comes with resisting it. Take masturbation, for example. For a man, the temptations come in wily fashion when the Temptor says to us, "if you give in this one time, the pressure will go away and you have relief, peace." One knows the pleasure is fleeting, but the thought of resisting it is like a road that never ends. The physiological pressure in a man's body is a reminder of that. Because self-control, chastity, temperance are all virtues, the devil wants to work against them and so he plants seeds of doubt that we do not, in fact, have the capacity to resist such temptation. "If you don't masturbate (or whatever), you will die." It is an inversion of his tempting strategy in the Garden when the serpent's lie was that Adam and Even would NOT die if they ate the fruit.

Because of their disobedience, we have inherited their concupiscence. But because of the redeeming power of Christ, the New Man, the New Adam, we have been set free from the chains of sin and death. We, literally, have everything we need to be saints by Baptism, the Sacraments, and sanctifying grace, like a seed that contains everything it needs to become a tree when it is nurtured by rain, sunlight, and nutrients in the ground.

Here's another thing: Jesus doesn't "lower the bar" to meet us in our weakness; He gives us grace to lift us up over them, like an Olympic pole vaulter. He gives us the hard teachings that make our jaws drop to the floor. He tells us that even should a man look at a woman with lust in his heart, he has committed adultery with her. And we say to ourselves, "who can live such a teaching?" But by grace, we can. When we say something is "impossible," He responds that all things are possible for he who believes (Mk 9:23). He came down to earth to lift us up to Heaven.

So, what is our excuse? It is not some cruel joke or trickery by the Lord to hold this ideal up and not give us what we need to attain it, to finish the race victorious. He is not a cruel and conniving God, but a loving Father who sent His Son to save us, not condemn us. We have the saints in heaven who have gone before us as proof that this is attainable. Their miracles attest to where they are, their humanity confirms that they were men and women like us.

When we are given the capacity to be saints, given everything we need, we do not do so because it is arduous! Like the addict addicted to our sin, and in our fear and lack of trust in listening to the wrong voices, we fear letting go of our idols, we fear the pain of withdrawal, we misplace our desire to fleeting pleasure, and do not, in fact, believe that God has called us to be saints. Let me tell you--He has! He NEEDS you to be a saint. The Church needs you. People are DEPENDING on you! You think firefighters and police officers and EMTs and soldiers are heroes? Yes they are, but how much more so YOU, who God knew in the womb before you were born, who made you for a purpose.

Why did God make you? The answer is simple: God made you to know Him, to love Him, and to serve Him in this world, and to be happy with Him for ever in heaven (Baltimore Catechism). The saints are holy heroes, and they are our companions, and you my friend, are on their guest list. Don't shy away from what you are called to because of fear or suffering. Fear and suffering in this life pale in light of eternity. We need you. God will give you still more to ensure you achieve the purpose He has set for you, send you angels to minister to you as He did for His Son in the garden of his suffering. You have all that you need. Heaven wants you. And we need you.

"Wherever The Catholic Sun Doth Shine, There's Always Laughter And Good Red Wine"

I know there are a lot of great poets out there, both dead and alive, who have written great sonnets and painted works of art with their words. But personally, my favorite poem of all time is one which was written by a developmentally disabled woman named Shirley Nelson. It appeared in a collection of poetry titled Shout, Applaud. The women featured, who all lived together in residence, never learned English syntax and so there is a stripped-down freshness to painting this particular scene that for me is haunting, vivid, and beautiful at the same time:

Everybody

by Shirley Nelson

I was wearing a blue

coat. It was cabbage and wieners.

They were big cooked wieners,

the smell was cabbage

ah delicious smell

of cabbage out not summer noise was

running water in the kitchen somewhere

Poetry is concentrated language. It compresses a maximum of thought into a minimum of words. William Carlos Williams wrote, "No ideas, but in things." What I like about this poem is that it doesn't play with pretension, writing oh-so-loftily about the Big Things (Love, Truth, Beauty) as concepts from a textbook in a stiff and haughty and unlived way. "Everybody" is terse and hungry. There is no doubt in the universe that Shirley likes cabbage and wieners, big cooked wieners, so much so that she wears them as a blue coat, probably her favorite coat. I am outside the window, leaning on the dusty sill and leaning in. The smell was cabbage (ah delicious smell!), the season was summer, the house is Everybody's, and in the kitchen, somewhere, water was running.

You may not like the poem, you may love it, you may be indifferent, you may not get it. You may be a syntax guy, a sonnet gal. All fine! It's personal for me, for it may not be for you. When I worked as a caseworker with people with Downs syndrome and developmental disabilities, it was a real joy (the people, not the bureaucratic system). They see life through different eyes, unpretentious eyes. They are a true gift to the world, and my four years working with them, being their friend, taking them to Mass with me when I was able, was a privilege. 

While cabbage and weiners and coats and sinks may be the stuff of this world that have feet firmly planted in it, there is another kind of poetry that I love that reaches to the heavens while here on earth, and that is the Hebrew poetry of the Psalms. 

There is a rhythm to the Psalms that one enters into when they are prayed in plainsong every day; they are meant to be sung. I got to experience this at a Benedictine monastery where I spent the summer chanting and singing the Psalms. Though the translation is different, to this day, I chant my favorite verses from memory because they got in my bones through song:

When I call, answer me O God of justice!

From anguish you release me, have mercy and hear me.

How long, o men will your hearts be closed,

will you love what is futile and seek what is false?

The Lord works wonders for me

the Lord hears me whenever I call him

Fear Him, do not sin. Ponder on your bed and be still.

Make justice your sacrifice and trust in the Lord.

When will we see better days many say?

Lift up the light of your face on us o Lord!

You have put into my heart a greater joy

then they have from abundance of corn and new wine

I will lie down and peace comes at once

for you alone Lord make me dwell in safety. 

(Ps 4)

I am not an expert by any means on ancient Hebrew poetry, but the parallelism (both synonymous and antithetical) employed by the Psalmist moves the words down so that they settle into your bones. Even if you don't know the poetic method by name, you know it by sound. The form is important to the message and imagery.

But the Psalms are not stiff and formal dead words on a page, but very much alive, because they cover the range of human emotions and experiences in totality. The poetic form may constrain the words, but there is a limitlessness and timelessness to the experience of the words that is transcendent. It is human, through and through, and stretches to Heaven with urgency with feet firmly planted in the miry pit, the raging battle, the banks of the stream.

Good poetry is human. It doesn't waste words, but concentrates language. It slaps you awake, takes you abroad without having to leave your chair, borrows your nose and steals your eyes. Good poetry makes a nest in your consciousness. It rents out life and takes notes on the back of diner napkins. It will use syntax and form if it serves its purpose, or it will give you a pass for the show anyway if you can't pay the cost of admission.

Poetry of this sort isn't purely etherial and angelic, but has flesh and bones, a heart and blood. It comes into the world but is not of the world. It picks grain and heals on Sundays, eats the showbread when hungry, dances naked before the ark, drinks barrels of wine in good company, eschews lukwarmness, flips over tables in righteous anger, sees to the heart.

For goodness' sake, THIS IS OUR FAITH! This is not stodgy puritanical Christianity or pharisaical legalism, but fully human Catholicism! It lives in poetry, it lives in song, it lives in LIFE itself! And life is meant to be sung, to be celebrated, and like good poetry...it is meant to be fully lived.