"I just saw you on The Journey Home. It was good stuff and I am sorry for the losses you and your wife had along the way. My wife and I are converts. Since you write about chastity I figured you might be interested in this dilemma and if you avoid using my name you can use it for your blog.
As Catholic converts my wife and I opened our hearts to have two more children together. Our very first pregnancy after marriage was a loss but together we had four healthy children. But after our 4th child with my wife being close to 40 we decided to use NFP to not get pregnant. We went to NFP professionals when we got pregnant anyway and they said “Holy Spirit baby”. Our hearts were open for this surprise. But we miscarried at 5 weeks. We were heartbroken and we used NFP again to avoid pregnancy with charts being reviewed again by NaPro trained medical professionals. We still got pregnant and lost another one at 10 weeks. My wife nearly passed out when the last part of her pseudo labor happened. DNA test showed there was a chromosomal defect. We then added another NFP related method to avoid a pregnancy with the NFP medical coaching. She got pregnant again.
I wish I could say we had a miracle baby like you. The pregnancy was going along quite well and our hopes were up. But we lost our son at 18 weeks and his body was delivered at the hospital. Our hearts were broken with that June of last year. Months passed. In my pre-Catholic days I was in an odd form of Christianity that suspended critical thinking. I have faith in Jesus and the Church he founded. I admire the courage of Humanae Vitae. But I also admire things said in Amores Laeticia. So after praying about it my wife and I have decided to use contraception. We take no joy in giving the middle finger to Jesus or the Church. But we are a red blooded couple who simply cannot trust NFP to be accurate anymore.
Are we in sin headed for hell? We are open to a live baby even though my wife is now almost 41 and I am 48 and I have 3 kids from before. But we are not open to a dead baby or my wife nearly needing a blood transfusion like she did at the hospital. I am a proud Catholic and I would humbly submit that my wife and I are not in danger of the fires of hell from a merciful and just God.
(Ps: my wife reminded me that I forgot to mention in our final miscarriage/stillbirth that it was confirmed she has a virus that is developed in her body where having another baby is strongly advised against. The Doctor Who strongly advised against conception once the virus was discovered is a practicing, devout Catholic who works under full agreement with Humanae Vitae.")
Thanks for your heartfelt and honest message. I can say a few things, and there will be a lot left unsaid too. I understand your fear all too well. It sounds like you and your wife have gone through a lot. I'm not good at giving advice or guidance, because I really know nothing. But I will share some thoughts.
First, the Church is clear on the issue. We are very blessed to be Catholic because, probably more than any other Christian denomination, we have clear teaching to guide us. I know you probably know or are familiar with this, since you reference HV, but the use of contraception is by nature "intrinsically evil" (CCC 2370) and "legitimate intentions on the part of the spouses do not justify recourse to morally unacceptable means . . . for example, direct sterilization or contraception" (CCC 2399).
But I don't think you are writing because you don't know.
It's a separate issue and may seem out of left field, but on the topic of abortion, the position is sometimes taken to be against abortion "except in cases of rape or incest," kind of like an insertion of an arbitrary clause. This, too, is understandable but not consistent with the Church's teaching of abortion: "Since the first century the Church has affirmed the moral evil of every procured abortion. This teaching has not changed and remains unchangeable. Direct abortion, that is to say, abortion willed either as an end or a means, is gravely contrary to the moral law" (CCC 2271).
I mention this for a few reasons. For one, it's easy to talk about being opposed to abortion. But if you are the one finding yourself a victim of rape and pregnant as a result, that is a situation in which your convictions are tested. Because it's no longer an abstract issue--it's your life. What do you do? Do you invoke the clause (which is popularly accepted in politics and culture, but not consistent with the Church's teaching), or do you carry to term? If you are a practicing Catholic, have faith in Christ and the teaching of the Church, and you know what the right thing to do is, that doesn't make it easy to carry out. But you know.
Your only question from your message is this: Are we in sin headed for hell? I would like to tell you a story:
When I was 19, I was dating a very nice Catholic girl. I was a fresh convert (had only been Catholic about a year) and as I mentioned on the show, was always bothered by the Church's teaching on birth control because it just didn't seem to square with 'real life.' This girl gave me a book of Catholic fiction called "Pierced By A Sword" by an author named Bud MacFarlane Jr. I read the book but don't remember anything from it except one line from a scene in which a man dies and is facing his judgment and the Devil says, "Contraception has made you mine." I threw the book across the room.
I read that book almost twenty years ago. I still remember that line today. It woke me up, was a thorn in my side for twenty years, and it took me almost twenty years to get on board with the Church's teachings, and that was under relatively favorable circumstances. But I never forgot it. The people who shot me straight in those ensuing years I railed against and hated. But I am very grateful for them now.
Your cross is not my cross, and my cross is not yours. Each of our crosses is custom made for us individually. If pregnancy is not advisable, and you do not trust NFP, a moral recourse in the eyes of the Church is complete abstinence. I cannot speak to this, only to periods of abstinence in our marriage. Personally, I don't think contraception makes anything better or ultimately solves anything. I mean, it does on the surface seemingly, but I think when you dig deep to the spiritual undercurrent, I personally would be uneasy taking this route if it would put our family outside of a state of grace, because we rely so heavily on grace just to survive, spiritually speaking.
Do you have a priest or spiritual director you can speak with about this, someone with compassion who will also challenge you to be faithful to what Christ calls us to in discernment and prayer? Keep in mind I am not a priest or any kind of spiritual guy or expert on these matters, just a Catholic guy like you, trying to get to Heaven with my family in tow. That means the cross. It is inescapable. My crosses are on the horizon, of that I'm sure.
In light of my inadequacy to give any kind of comfort in this response, I will be praying a nine-day novena asking for the intercession of Servant of God Chiara Corbella for you and your wife as it relates to this topic. If you haven't read her story, you can here.
God bless you my brother,
Rob
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