Day 19: Coming To Terms With Temptation

When I used to do a lot of driving in my past job, it was hard to stay awake on the long stretches from Baltimore or North Jersey to home late at night. When I would start to doze (a terrifying prospect when you are driving at 70mph), I would slap my face, or roll down the windows, drink some soda or coffee if I had it, yell and sing...whatever I could do to make sure my eyes stayed open until I got home. A sweet night of sleep when one is tired is a blessing, a respite from the world and necessary for our functioning. You can only go so long without it.

In Lk 22:39-46 we find the Lord Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane just prior to his sentencing and impending crucifixion. He has asked his friends to stay awake with him for comfort during his agony (which was so great his sweat became "like drops of blood falling to the ground" (v 44)), and implore them to "pray that you will not fall into temptation." (22:40). When he arose from prayer, he found the disciples asleep. "Why are you sleeping?" he asks them and again reminds to "get up, and pray so that you will not fall into temptation" (22:46).

In Matthew's gospel, the disappointment of Jesus in finding his friends succumbing to sleep is more pronounced. He asks them to keep watch with him, but find them asleep not once, not twice, but three times. "The spirit is willing," he laments, "but the body is weak." (Mt 26:41)

One of the lies of the Devil during periods of intense temptation is that if we will only give in to it, it will leave us alone. Or, more forcefully, that we cannot in fact be free of temptation unless we give in to it. This is a lie. And yet, when our flesh is battling against our spirit because they are seeking opposite things (the flesh seeks its own fulfillment, while the spirit seeks to do those things of God which it is called to do), it is almost formulaic: discomfort and suffering ensues.

I will give a somewhat personal example. Singledom can be a real burden for people. One can be forgiven for thinking during times of temptation "if only I was married, I could have sex anytime and be free from this hardship (of being sexually abstinent)." 

I have found this to be somewhat inaccurate, though. While sex makes its rightful home in a Christian marriage, there are times when sexual intercourse between spouses is just not possible--due to illness, or distance due to work travel, for instance. Men can find such periods of abstinence beneficial...for a time. But after a certain point it becomes a real strain, both physiologically and emotionally. It is not fun and it is not enjoyable. While some people may make concessions (masturbation, contraception, or sexual activity other than intercourse) as a 'work around' during such periods, the Catholic understanding of sexual morality does not allow for this. Sex is both unitive and procreative, and the two aspects can never be separated intentionally. You literally hit a wall, then, everywhere you turn for relief: "can't do this, can't do that...well, what can we do??" It would be one thing if we were unaware, but we know the teachings of the Church and can't feign ignorance, can't get a pass, without committing sin, no matter how convincingly the devil whispers in our ears twisting words, as he did so long ago in the Garden of Eden to our parents "Did God really say..."

We are in one of these periods in our marriage now where we are being called to a somewhat extended time of restraint. I literally don't know what to do some days. Should I take a cold shower? Go for a run? You can only shower and run so much. I don't want to seek sexual gratification outside of my wife obviously, and so it takes diligence to control thoughts and fantasies. Over time you can get worn down and cranky, like the disciples trying to keep their eyelids open. That's when a dangerous case of what I call the "F It"'s comes on stage. F it, I'm getting a burger. F it, look up the porn. F it, I'm going to bed angry. It's a dangerous place, spiritually, because you're essentially throwing in the towel, refusing to fight and endure suffering for what you know to be right. It's also, curiously, those times when I have told prayer to have a seat outside so that I can let sin in the house. That's no coincidence. 

Suffering is a dirty word in our culture. We're encouraged to euthanize rather than witness suffering, abort rather than endure the hardship of unplanned pregnancies, divorce and seek happiness elsewhere when it no longer becomes possible in a marriage. These are big temptations of eternal moral weight, but lesser temptations--to buy and consume on credit rather than go without, for example, or hold a grudge to our grave--operate in the same manner. Sometimes you just can't avoid suffering, and when you try, you perpetuate the cycle. You buy into the lie that giving in will make it go away.

Lent more than any other time is spring training in self-discipline for the higher purpose of sanctification--being made holy. "Be holy because I, the LORD, am holy." (Lev 20:26; 1 Peter 1:16). I have managed to do ok without coffee (my voluntary discipline) even though I live for coffee, and fasting and not eating meat on Fridays is uncomfortable but totally doable. But the no sex thing (not chosen, due to circumstances, having nothing to do with Lent (ultimately)) is hard hard hard. It is a real test for me personally. The times where I refuse to go to war for my spirit--as David did when he preferred to stay back and have a vacation day on the palace rooftop--and endure the hardship that waits are the times when I have been tricked and chosen the flesh rather than fully embracing my cross (a cross which may be different and unique to all of us).  

I don't respect men who shirk suffering and duty in exchange for comfort and self, and I don't respect myself all that much when I do the same. Thankfully our weaknesses can serve a purpose as well--to keep us humble, so that we do not operate under the illusion that we can do anything apart from God's grace. Learning the Devil's cunning ways can help us recognize what we need to do to not fall into temptation, as the Lord encourages us. But in trying to do what is right, sometimes that means the inescapable task of picking up our cross and carrying that sucker uphill, when all we want to do is leave it by the roadside, or pass it to someone else. Jesus shows us how to do it. He gave us the example and sanctified it. All we have to do is follow. And if we're serious about it, it's gonna hurt.

"Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me, this thorn in my flesh. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 

(2 Cor 12:9)