When You Hate To Be Alone...Be Alone

"All men's miseries derive from not being able to sit in a quiet room alone." 

- Blaise Pascal

Humorous memes float around the internet about the lack of alone time mother's experience and not being able to hear themselves think when their children are young. Whether it's a toddler's hand thrusting under the bedroom door, or a mother going to the bathroom with their kids on their laps, the sentiment is commonplace--"Can't I get a minute alone!" Even my wife and I had a funny marital exchange when I jokingly asked her, "Do you ever fantasize about me?" to which she replied, "I fantasize about being a hotel room by myself with no one needing anything from me." You get the idea.

For men, we often have the "luxury" of going to work each day and breaking out from the household. I'm sure at times our wives have envied the ease with which we can stroll out the door and leave our household responsibilities behind for 8 hours or so (while also realizing that none of it would be possible if we didn't work). Most men, I would imagine, work in jobs in which they interact with other people, or if they do work solo they still have labor they have to attend to. But intentional solitude is another thing altogether--and, especially, when it comes to time spend with our Creator in prayer.

Our Lord was very intentional when asked by his disciples how they ought to pray. He didn't give a lofty, enigmatic or parabolic answer: instead, he said, "When you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen" (Mt 6:6). And then he instructed them how they should pray--with the Lord's Prayer. It encompasses and distills the Christian life--justice, our needs, expectations, and desires--into a verbal prayer. When joined with a pure heart, it is a "complete protein" if you will. The Pater Noster is prayed during the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass as a community with hearts joined to God. But it is interesting that Jesus joins this prayer with solitude: a room, a closed door, and all things unseen.

My son insisted on having his own "War Room" (to use the Protestant phrase) when he saw mine; he and I set apart for him by clearing out his closet. In it, he put pictures of saints, the Ten Commandments, a crucifix, holy water, a green scapular, and a tiny skull (memento mori) and a hand drawn piece of paper that says, simply, GOD LOVES ME. It's good for every house to have a devoted place to pray in solitude, if possible, as our Lord tells us.

Getting away for retreats seems like a luxury these days, though I went on retreat regularly in my twenties. As an imperfect concession to get some of this intentional, stripped away time in, I'm getting ready to do a kind of "house arrest" retreat this weekend. We have a larger-than-normal master bedroom with adjoining bathroom where I'm hoping to confine myself this weekend as I attempt to get off nicotine and leave it behind once and for all. I need three days for it to get out of my system, and I know I will be irritable; my wife agreed to take care of the kids and leave me to do what I need to do.

But when I think about it, it is so rare I am alone--even in my own house--that it's a slightly uncomfortable thought. What will come up when I'm alone with my thoughts? I've gotten more extroverted as I've gotten older, and like being around people. I like "doing" things. I hope to get out for a run each day and maybe work outside getting the garden ready for the Spring, but largely I will be spent in a kind of self-confinement or posh immurement for getting myself into the mess of attachment in the first place. The cure for attachment, is detachment.

Solitude is a healthy but often neglected aspect of the Christian life.  It's funny, though, when you do a quick google search of "being alone," the vast majority of things that come up are related to loneliness. While some people crave solitude, others are scared of it. I'm somewhere in between--its uncomfortable, but like eating vegetables and exercising, I know it's good for me periodically. I know I face things in solitude that get pushed down when I'm in the midst of friends, family, or co-workers. Things about myself. Things I don't like.

My father-in-law has recently, as he approaches the end of his life, been very fearful of being by himself. Family members will often have to spend the night because he gets panicky that he will die alone. The closer one gets to death, the more (or less) prepared one is to face Judgment becomes apparent and our insecurities become harder to hide. No one wants to die. But the stronger we are in our faith, the more prepared we are in ridding ourselves of vices, sins, and bad habits in this life, the more secure we will be in coming before the Throne and leaving this world behind and the less we have to fear. 

Christ was alone in the Garden of Gethsemane where he prayed (Mk 14:32). He retreated frequently to lonely places to pray (Lk 5:16). He went out into the desert to be tested for forty days (Mt 4:1). He was essentially alone on the Cross when he died. And when he died, he was entombed for three days and rose again. When I think of how little I have suffered compared to what Christ went through, and how little I can bear, I can't help being embarrassed. But I also know no suffering, no matter how little or seemingly insignificant, is wasted when joined with the sufferings of Christ. So, please pray for my upcoming immurement this weekend--I'm sure there will be some battles to be fought, some demons to wrestle with, and some discomfort in being (somewhat) alone. "But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ" (1 Cor 15:57). To Christ be the victory. Amen.