When Your Wife Doesn't Respect You

The longer you've been married, the more you tend to associate with married couples. The odd thing is, from the outside, we are largely unaware of the "aquifer of trouble" running through many marriages. People either tend to put on a happy face when in public or even among friends, or you may (as we have) just be sideswiped one day with the announcement of a divorce you never saw coming. The reasons are often repetitive: I'm not in love with him or her anymore. I'm tired. I just don't want to do this anymore. I've met someone else. This was never right from the beginning. Or sometimes people change, and they aren't the person they thought they married. 

As much as we try to nuance every last scenario today, and not confine people to boxes or predetermined roles, biology has a funny way of being stubborn. You try to push it down, and it springs back up the way it was meant to grow. This can often mean stereotyping, which can lead sometimes lead to good comedy fodder (such as Mark Gungor's "A Tale of Two Brains" on Youtube). It's funny because it's predictable and easy to relate to. 

There are two basic but vital aspects to a marriage that should come as no surprise, since they undergird the principals of many marriage counselors: Love and Respect. Before you think this is some secular humanist principals at work, keep in mind as Catholic Christians we rely on Scripture and Tradition to bring ourselves in alignment with God's plan for marriage and family, and not the other way around. And Scripture is clear: "Each of you must love his wife as himself, and the wife must respect her husband" (Eph 5:33)

Notice two things: Paul does not suggest that one love and offer respect. One MUST love his wife, and one MUST respect her husband. 

The other thing to note, is that the two terms are meant for their respective parties, and not meant to be interchangeable. Husbands must love their wives (as themselves) and wives must respect their husbands. 

This is so fundamental and basic but so easily forgotten in the day to day interchange between spouses. Maybe I will do another post on husbands loving their wives, and what that looks like, but for this post I would like to focus on what I see more commonly: the strife and division caused when wives do not respect their husbands. 

Now, before I start, I should say that respect (and authority) is one of those heavy handed words, especially in the context of a traditional community; some women may even get triggered by it because of abuses stemming from issues of respect and authority. Fr. Ripperger has some good points to make in some of his talk of the problem of such abuses within traditionalist communities--men shirking their responsibilities while simultaneously using a heavy hand to demand it or exert authority. If Christ is our model, we see he "humbled himself by becoming obedient to death," (Phil 2:8). Men in fact, as disciples of Christ, are called to love their wives in the way Christ loved the Church--to whom, of course, "he gave himself up for" (Eph 5:25).

How would your wife respond to you if you woke up one day and told her, "I don't love you?" Love is a deep seated need for all men, women, and children. Erik Erikson places it in the middle of his "Hierarchy of Needs" pyramid, but especially in familial context, I would place it much higher. Just as our Lord said that "man does not live on bread alone," (Mt 4:4) and just as love is tantamount to the Christian life, an unloved person (or even a person who feels unloved) will act according to this deficiency. Wives must not only be loved, but feel loved to thrive.

But it is like a Chinese finger trap, isn't it? The more a husband withholds love, or does not make it known (even should he possess it), the less the wife is inclined to offer what she knows he needs--namely, respect. It is easier to respect someone you love, and who you know loves you. But also we see in Scripture, "For rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though a good person someone might possible died for. But God demonstrated his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us" (Rom 5:7-8). Love is not earned. It can't be earned. Love to be true must be freely given. Which is why we have the cross. 

But we also have the Cross in our own marriages, don't we? And that cross might just be your spouse themselves! Rather than emptying ourselves, as Christ did, we seek to get filled up. This is the paradox of Christian love, and especially so in marriage.

All that being said, if love is true because it is not earned, what about respect? Is respect earned? I would say respect should be earned, but sometimes a wife can help nurture the virtues in her husband by coaxing them the way the rays of the sun coax a seed out of it's shell. Often in marriage, we must act contract to our natural (fallen) inclinations in order to exact virtue from ourselves, and help to grow it in others. 

And the "feeling" part of it is even more acute when it comes to respect. A woman may know her husband loves her but may have trouble expressing it (though he should, even if not verbally). But a man who does not know that he is respected by his wife, and in fact doubts that, will usually find his suspicions confirmed. If a wife respects her husband, she is usually quick to express it (as women do). This could be in sex or praise or a gift or physical affection. And most women have no idea the power such affirmations hold, insignificant as they might seem on the surface. When a man is affirmed, even when he is failing, it is often what keeps him afloat or from seeking out someone else to affirm him, from leaving the family, or from withdrawing. When a man is affirmed, and he knows his wife supports him in everything he does and is trying to do, it is trans formative. It makes him want to be a better man. 

But the more conditions placed on such respect "I will only respect you if you love me," or "I will only respect you if you do such -and-such around the house," the more the husband learns that his wife's love is conditional. These are when the cracks start to develop in a marriage. The thing is, they can often be filled with simple exercises to reintroduce what a man needs most to flourish--love yes, but mostly: respect. 

The tongue is a powerful weapon, and women can cut their husbands down with it, whether directly (to him) or indirectly (to their friends, sisters, etc). Paul reminds us again, "Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that is will give grace to those who hear" (Eph 4:29)

To gain life, you must lose it. To be filled, you must empty yourself. This is the Christian paradox, and paradox is at the heart of the Christian life, the Christian mystery. Marriage itself is kind of mystery sometimes, too! But it's not super complicated either. It just takes an iron will and a lot of stubbornness to stay married in the barrage of storms that threaten it. But if I can make a suggestion to wives: find something--anything!--you respect about your husband, and let him know it--even if he doesn't deserve it! Do you "deserve" to be loved? You may be surprised you are thinking with this mind. You may also be surprised that a little yeast, a little respect, goes a long way in leavening the whole loaf.