The Church Will Hurt You

If there's any spectre that haunts me to my core, that fills me with a putrid horror and an unspeakable sadness, it is the act of apostasy.

Lucifer fell from Heaven, and he is working overtime to bring down as many people from the ladder of divine ascent with him as possible.

In "Apostasy And The Casualties Of War" I wrote:

"I was thinking about apostasy, the spectre that seems to hide in every closet, every corner, under every lampstand I encounter these days. The smell is nauseating and unnerving; it gets in your clothes like cigarette smoke. Faith in this age is under siege, and I'm not even talking about the collective faith of Catholics or Christians in America; in the heart of each and every man, his faith is under fire. Someone or something is seeking to wrench it from his being, cause him to lose heart or strip him of faith or consolation, hope and fortitude. My buddies and people I know are lying all around me, getting picked off by snipers, getting legs blown off, getting mowed down by machine guns, losing their souls one skipped prayer, one missed Mass, one self-justifying excuse, one innocent click at a time.  

Why do people abandon the Faith? Who will endure to the end? Is it just a matter of time before I join their ranks? Will I lose my children to the age? A friend of mine, a once faithful Catholic and family man, stopped going to Mass. Family members too. People experiencing loss and suffering, instead of doubling down and tying themselves to the mast, gradually stop praying altogether and simply drift away or run aground. For some it's a sin they can't let go of, or a past, or a trauma, or a hurt, or a betrayal, or seeing too much of how the sausage is made. For some it's the old question of why bad things happen to 'good people,' or why God would allow someone they love to suffer, or some earnest but unanswered prayers. I feel like the guys to my left and to my right and in front of me and behind me are just being shredded by machine gun fire, and whose to say I'm not next, my family, my children."

This evening I stumbled across a public post of a couple leaving the Catholic Church. As I read it, I picked up on a similar theme and common thread to the public posts of other Christian apostates. Joshua Harris--who wrote the best-seller "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" (which I read in college)--made a public announcement on his Instagram account:

"My heart is full of gratitude. I wish you could see all the messages people sent me after the announcement of my divorce. They are expressions of love though they are saddened or even strongly disapprove of the decision.⁣⁣ 

⁣⁣ I am learning that no group has the market cornered on grace. This week I’ve received grace from Christians, atheists, evangelicals, exvangelicals, straight people, LGBTQ people, and everyone in-between. Of course there have also been strong words of rebuke from religious people. While not always pleasant, I know they are seeking to love me. (There have also been spiteful, hateful comments that angered and hurt me.)⁣⁣ 

⁣⁣ The information that was left out of our announcement is that I have undergone a massive shift in regard to my faith in Jesus. The popular phrase for this is “deconstruction,” the biblical phrase is “falling away.” By all the measurements that I have for defining a Christian, I am not a Christian. Many people tell me that there is a different way to practice faith and I want to remain open to this, but I’m not there now.⁣⁣ 

⁣⁣ Martin Luther said that the entire life of believers should be repentance. There’s beauty in that sentiment regardless of your view of God. I have lived in repentance for the past several years—repenting of my self-righteousness, my fear-based approach to life, the teaching of my books, my views of women in the church, and my approach to parenting to name a few. But I specifically want to add to this list now: to the LGBTQ+ community, I want to say that I am sorry for the views that I taught in my books and as a pastor regarding sexuality. I regret standing against marriage equality, for not affirming you and your place in the church, and for any ways that my writing and speaking contributed to a culture of exclusion and bigotry. I hope you can forgive me.⁣⁣ 

⁣⁣ To my Christians friends, I am grateful for your prayers. Don’t take it personally if I don’t immediately return calls. I can’t join in your mourning. I don’t view this moment negatively. I feel very much alive, and awake, and surprisingly hopeful. I believe with my sister Julian that, “All shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well.”"

Another popular Christian band singer:

"I’ve been terrified to post this for a while-- but it feels like it’s time for me to be honest. "After growing up in a Christian home, being a pastor’s kid, playing and singing in a Christian band, and having the word ‘Christian’ in front of most of the things in my life — I am now finding that I no longer believe in God."

And a long time listener of a Christian radio ministry:

“Over many years I have been blessed to receive free tapes, CDs, and books from your ministry. Thank you. At those times, I really appreciated them. Now I no longer believe in the God of the Bible or in Jesus Christ. Ten years of full-time ministry proved to me that there is no God, and that the God of the Bible does not care. I now reject Christianity and have come to peace.

“What was at first a great loss has now turned to joy, peace, and freedom. I did not leave the faith because of some extreme sin. I left because the God of the Bible, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit are all a fantasy. I’m happy I now live in the real world. I only feel guilt about the many people whom I led to Christ and exposed them to the lies of Christianity. I’m not mad at Christians; I’m not mad at you. However, I am mad at myself for not being a more critical thinker. I won’t make this mistake again.

“Again, thank you for the many years of help and teaching you all shared with me. I do appreciate what you all are trying to do with the knowledge you have. Please remove me from your mailing list. Save the money, don’t waste it on an apostate like me. I was just giving your CDs away. But now my conscience no longer can tolerate the further spread of a false hope and disappointment."


As someone who has had periods of having to fight tooth and nail to stay alive by my own hand during periods in which death seemed a welcome respite, I see a few things worth noting in the loss of faith (spiritual suicide) and the loss of life by one's own hand (actual suicide).

There comes a point when one considers leaving this world; when the pain, darkness, and tumult reach fever pitch--where everything becomes quiet and calm, like the eye of a hurricane. When the salesman of death shows up at the door with his offer, the fog kind of clears and a lucidity sets in. "I could really do this. All this could go away." Yes, he affirms, and hands you a razor blade. When the end is near, the light at the end of the tunnel comes into view, there's a kind of false peace and enchantment as one considers the possibilities of a world in which hurt no longer exists.

Of course it is all a lie. The Devil sells lemons. As soon as the check is cashed he is no where to be found. Until its times to collect the collateral, which is your soul.

But here's what happens and what it looks like:

"Stage 3 (the final stage) begins when the suicidal person makes the decision to suicide. The moment the decision is made, it goes “unconscious” and the person goes on what we call “auto-pilot.” People in Stage 3 are imminently lethal; however, they seem more “normal” than they have seemed in a long time. At this point, the depression seems to suddenly lift because the person has made the decision to die and is no longer wrestling with the decision. Unfortunately, most mental health professionals and family members are not trained to recognize “auto-pilot,” and they breathe a sigh of relief because their patient seems so much better, not realizing that he/she is on a collision course with suicide. People on “auto-pilot” typically attempt suicide within the next 48 hours. Be alert when a depressed patient who doesn’t seem to improve after months of intervention suddenly seems to get better. Instead of relaxing, we should become more vigilant when we see a sudden, overnight improvement. We should listen closely to any indication that the individual has decided to end their life and mobilize support among family, friends, and medical/behavioral health providers."

Like those in the wake of suicide--those badly shaken family and friends--the desire to know "Why?" is both overpowering and natural. We want a reason, to make sense of things, since we were robbed of that sense by a senseless act. The most unnerving thing, the existential Doubt, though, comes when we realize that sometimes, there is no reason, nothing to pin the tail on. This shakes us to our core. We build houses, take shelter, because we were not meant to live out of doors as civilized people. And suddenly we are in the great plains under expansive skies, with nary a blanket to shield us from Nature herself in all her terrible glory.

Whether or not one can point to this or that, one thing is undeniable: the Devil has gotten what he came for, what he exists for. He exists to draw men from the Way, the Truth, the Light. He throws a blanket of darkness over our shoulders and wraps us tightly. And he often disguises himself as an angel of light to do it so that we don't smell the sulfur.

Like divorce, or a metastasized cancer, the warning signs often come too late. Those "perfect couples" that seem to have it all together and then the next thing you know they are sharing their little "announcement" of parting ways.

What the hell is going on behind closed doors? Sometimes, its true--it's not a heinous sin, or a betrayal--it could be boredom, or a desire for something new, or just an unwillingness to try (to fight even!) anymore.

For anyone who gets news like this from close friends--of suicide, of divorce, of apostasy--it can shake you pretty good. Because, if them...why not you?

After all, they may have gone to church every Sunday, prayed together as a family, did "all the right things" and still find themselves as newly minted apostates (by their own admission) outside the Ark. But there is that false-lucidity: "My heart is full of gratitude," "I'm waking up to reality," "We've found peace," Etc.

I could understand if one was leaving a cult, the sense of relief. But the Church--the Bride of Christ--is not a cult.

In reading this particular public profession of leaving the Church that I had stumbled upon, someone made a comment and mentioned that the best piece of advice he had gotten as a new convert was a jarring, almost cryptic statement from a priest: "The Church Will Hurt You." As a new convert, I remember going to Mass in spite of those around me, not because of them. Not that I had anything against my fellow men, my fellow Catholics, but they weren't the raison d'etre. I think that perspective has helped shield me in some ways from disappointment and betrayal, because I always just kind of expected it.

Something else I think the Lord, in His Providence, shielded me from by slamming doors in my face, is never having worked for the Church. It wasn't for lack of trying. I got a Masters in Theology so I could serve the Church in some capacity. I applied for jobs in Youth Ministry--nada. Campus Ministry--"we've gone with someone else." Director of Faith Formation--thank you for your interest. I didn't even realize at the time what He was preserving me from, by grace. But it may have just saved by faith, by grace. I like sausage--then again, I don't work in a sausage factory.

The Church will hurt you. Whether you live in an intentional community, whether you're a Trad or a Charismatic, a Catholic or a Christian, a homeschooling parent of many and a picture perfect believer--you will at some point get disillusioned. "Do not put your trust in princes, in human beings, who cannot save." (Ps 146:3). You have to believe and fight for your belief with tooth and nail, you have to be a stubborn S.O.B., a dumb ox almost, a Rottweiler with a stick that refuses to let go. "It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in humans." (Ps 118:8)

It may very well be a mystery why people defect from the Ark while claiming they are so much happier and more at peace with their new lives and newly-affirming host of non-judgers. But there is no lasting peace apart from Christ. Divorce from the Bride--the Church--is a tragedy of eternal consequence. It shakes believers--the ones who have also been betrayed by such flagrant, self-assured apostasy--to the core, as much as good friends getting divorced after thirty years of marriage do. Satan is having his field day. He has been given the reins. The only thing you can do is tie yourself to that mast, and

Don't

Let

Go.