The Threats To A Catholic Marriage

Yesterday I was reading a financial independence blog post I came across by way of Reddit that was, for once, refreshingly honest. The guy had FIRE'd (financial independence-retire early) in his late thirties and hadn't updated his blog in five years, mostly because he was "living the life" from 2016-2021 and, I presume, didn't feel like he had much to say. Then life took an unexpected turn, and he found himself divorced, diagnosed with a serious medical condition, and back in the workforce.

Life seemed grand at the start. With his new found time and leisure, he read, wrote, traveled, and did whatever he wanted. The author found, with time, he could not relate as much to his working friends, and vice versa. His then-wife had retired early with him. While he had planned and focused on this particular goal, his wife was having a harder time with it, and found herself unhappy, unfulfilled, and seemingly without purpose. She committed infidelity, and that was the end of the relationship. When he contracted an illness that he hadn't really planned for, it also threw a monkey-wrench in his nest egg spread-sheet aggregates, to the point where he decided going back to work was the best thing he could do. The author admits, with refreshing honesty as I noted, that sometimes you can't plan for life going the way you thought it would.

This isn't the first marriage I heard breaking up after early retirement. Two other popular financial bloggers I read experienced the same thing. These are all secular, left-leaning, non-religious types that hold personal fulfillment and happiness as the pen-ultimate goal in life. A kind of soft, civilized hedonism. 

Catholics and religious folk aren't immune to the threats of divorce. Though lower than the national average, CARA notes a 27% divorce rate for Catholics.

What makes Catholics different? Well, for one, there is a cultural-religious dissuasion against divorce, both in Scripture and Church teaching. Of course, one would have to believe in these teachings, that the Lord meant what he said and that the Church's teaching on the matter is for our ultimate salvation and well-being. But, again, life happens in ways we may not be able to anticipate, and we need to be prepared for that. Old age, sickness, poverty are why we have vows--the temptation to cut and run when they break onto the scene can be very great.

But how we go into a marriage beyond the vows themselves has a large determining factor in how we respond to these challenges and threats to marriage (which will inevitably come). And even if they weren't established from the get-go, there is always room and grace for renewal.

Though I'm no expert, noticing the threat of divorce in these three particular bloggers devoted to enjoying "their best lives" through financial independence, I thought it might be helpful to identify some of the threats we as Catholics may be susceptible to in our marriages, and their antidotes:

One-Foot-In (and No Plan B)

Anyone who goes into a marriage thinking they can simply leave when things get hard are disadvantaged from the start. This can seem reckless (not having a pre-nup, leaving oneself open to financial ruin, not knowing what the future holds, etc), but marriage is not meant to be temporary, but for life. Like following Christ, if you are putting your hand to the plow and looking back, you are not worthy of the calling of marriage, for in it one "leaves his father and mother and cleaves to his wife and they become one flesh" (Mt 19:5). It's simply too easy to be "subject to the test" when you give yourself an escape route from the start, or open up a door to it down the road. Which leads to the next point.

Apathy (and Stubborn Grit)

Most people do not wake up one day and decide to get divorced. It's often a slow-drift apart where bonds and connections are weakened over time, to the point when you feel like you may or may not know your spouse anymore. You may find the inconveniences and threats to your personal happiness and fulfillment are outweighing any potential gains from staying with your partner. Over time, you find you "just don't care" whether the marriage survives or doesn't. 

There's something to be said for grit in the life of faith, a kind of stubborn persistence and bull-headedness to persevere in times of trial, despite the cost. Sometimes the way isn't around, but through, which means taking a hard-line approach to care, work, and do whatever it takes to plow ahead, together. It may mean holding your spouses hand when you can't stand to look them in the face, or refusing to listen to those who counsel you towards divorcing and "finding yourself." It may mean counseling, or late nights; fighting is not always a bad thing, if it means it is keeping the lines of communication open. Essentially, it is a refusal to concede to the pressures (which may be temporary) to jump ship, when everything is telling you to do so.

Selfishness (and Selflessness)

The thing I noticed in the three bloggers and their former spouses above was that what they valued was "doing what works for you" and careful planning (often without children that mess everything up, or limiting them) to the point where the ultimate value was self-fulfillment. This is a death-knell to true marriage, since it operates on a faulty assumption; though marriage may fulfill one person by way of the other, it is not it's intended purpose. Christ taught us as disciples to serve, to wash feet, to die to ourselves. Seeking self-satisfaction at the expense of all else is a futile endeavor and a fools-errand. As true Christians know, it is in serving that we find the key to our fulfillment; in emptying ourselves, we are filled. When we lose our lives, we find them.

Marriage is the ultimate test of self-deferment. If you understand yourself as part of a one-flesh union, and also what Christ did for you on the cross, you begin to understand how love works--by emptying itself. Selfishness is a constant temptation in marriage, but often many marriages on the rocks have turned around not by waiting for the other spouse to change, but by changing oneself and exercising the will to act against its selfish nature. This is hard, like exercise. But love is not authentic without something to back it up. Our spouses often know and recognize when we are doing something for our own sake, or for theirs. It can be transformative, but it takes work.

Betrayal (and Forgiveness)

This can be one area where the rubber hits the road. As Christians, we know the grace that comes with forgiveness for our sins; the kicker is we are expected to extend that grace to forgive one another "seventy times seven." This doesn't mean being a doormat, or not setting appropriate boundaries. It can be an inner-crucifixion to realize the one who is laying you up on the cross is the one whom you loved the most, who was closest to you and betrayed your trust with a kiss. 

Sound familiar? Again, we are only able to forgive egregious sins because we have been forgiven of our egregiousness by God Himself. It happens by grace, with grit sometimes, and often a good amount of time. In any case, it doesn't come easy; but then again, nothing worth fighting for does. It can be the splitting of the Temple, so to speak. If worked through, though, it may bring up issues that were unforeseen previously, out of the darkness, so that they can be addressed and dealt with. You cannot love without forgiving, and by our humanness we screw up, inevitably. A betrayal may not always be in the form of infidelity, by the way. Trust is a delicate thing. But without forgiveness, we cannot live as Christians, and we become prisoners in our own cell.

Taking Things For Granted (and Gratefulness)

It's easy to take things for granted in a marriage, or taking your spouse themselves for granted; that they will always be there, or always forgive you or be able to provide for your needs. Nothing is guaranteed, not even our lives. Gratefulness is an exercise to take each moment, each day as a gift that we don't deserve, that is not owed to us; essentially, it's a shift in perspective from all the things that may be lacking, to all the things we have been given. It's an easy exercise in the sense that it doesn't take much to compile, even if it's 'lowest common denominator' stuff--like having running water, or a roof that doesn't leak--but it can also lead us into appreciating things about our spouse in a quantifiable way that we may not have seen previously, when one does it intentionally (making a list, for example). You often don't realize the value of something until it's gone--which it will be one day--so the earlier you can recognize it the better. 

Sexlessness (and The Marriage Debt)

Studies have shown that married people have more sex more often then single people. As they should. Sex when it is healthy is bonding and a way of expressing love that goes beyond words. But I've also heard of married couples going weeks, months, even years without being intimate--sometimes for valid reasons, some not so convincing. 

Sex can be a barometer for the health of a marriage. Conversely what happens outside the bedroom determines what goes on inside it. Saint Paul in 1 Cor 7:3 speaks to this, that husband and wife fulfill to one another the marital debt. This is because neither has authority over his body but yields it to the spouse (1 Cor 7:4). 

Pragmatically, I can only speak as a man to other men: always be conscious of fulfilling your wife. Be a gentleman, both outside the bedroom and in it. You should have enough, ahem, practice that you know her needs and how to delay yourself so that you 'hold the door for her' in bed, so to speak. Outside the bedroom, this may mean serving her or speaking to her love languages--just because your fulfillment and sense of being loved comes from sex (as is often the case), this may not be equally true for her. So find out what it is she likes--whether its a backrub, doing the dishes for her, or giving her a weekend to herself by taking the kids--and do it.

Wives, I know this is going to sound a little blunt, but sometimes the best thing you can do for your husband is go full Nike and "just do it." Even if you don't feel like it or would rather by crocheting or watching TV. Of course, there should be mutual respect in a marriage, but you may be surprised how far sex will go for a man's sense of fulfillment. That doesn't mean you're acting like an on-demand wife, or that you don't have limits or reasonable requests to the contrary. But if you understand that in this realm, men really aren't that complicated and that our appetites are relatively unrefined and simple, it can go a long way.

Another benefit of sex to marriage? Kids! Whether accidental (oops!) or planned, children go a long way in pushing you to your limits and giving a sense of shared goals and self-deference. They are also great at distracting you from too much navel-gazing. So have kids, have a bunch if you can, and don't look back. No one ever says, "I wish I could give them back."

 

Short Sightedness (and the Long Game)

When we bought our house I was resistant to the idea of moving at first, because it seemed to stretch us financially and was a hassle; it was easier just not to go through the whole process. My father gave a simple but good piece of advice: short-term stress for long term gain. 

When divorce becomes a temptation, it's often seen as an out to undesirable circumstances. One projects the current reality into a prolonged future scenario--"if I'm miserable now, I will always be miserable," or "if it's this hard now, it will only get harder." That may or may not be the case, but often people are surprised when they pull out and hold on, the "golden years" of marriage are the best yet. Plus you have the benefit of not being alone when you get old, sick, and/or die, you can pool your resources, provide comfort and companionship to one another, and learn and grow more than you may have in your early years. But that doesn't come when you jump ship, but only by patient endurance, those who finish the race to earn the crown (2 Tim 4:7).

The Demonic (and The Grace of the Sacrament)

When you are Catholic and see life through a spiritual lens, you realize there are forces working against marriage and the family, because marriage and family are good and virtuous things, and the Devil is the Father of lies. It may manifest itself by way of temptation or misfortune, but Our Lady of Fatima was clear: the final battle against Satan will be over marriage and family. 

Thankfully, as Catholics, matrimony is elevated to the dignity of a Sacrament, and with the Sacrament comes grace. I don't know how people survive life without faith, and grace is the oil that keeps the life of faith running smoothly. If marriage is important to you (and it should be), it's good to strengthen and fortify it with regular Mass attendance, the sacraments, prayer (both together and personal), and sacramentals. Ask for the intercession of our married saints, St. Joseph and the Holy Family, and fortify other Catholic families if you are able, as we all need support and one another. Make a retreat if you find it helpful, and pray for your spouse and children intentionally; fasting and doing penance for them is even better. 

As Catholics, we journey to Heaven as a collective. In marriage, we work to get our spouses to Heaven (often by giving them crosses, ha!) while working out our own salvation in fear and trembling as well. We are not fighting against flesh and blood, but powers and principalities. The sooner we realize this, the more we can develop a battle plan under the protection of Our Lady's mantle to make sure the Devil doesn't have the final say in our lives. 

Phew! That's a page-full. I'd love to hear from you. Feel free to comment for the good of those reading if you see other threats to a Catholic marriage, and the ways you have found to counter them. Or simply to ask for prayers and/or share your story. God bless you!