Ben-Ops and Flops

 As some of the readers here may know or have read, I briefly lived in a "van down by the river." This was pre-#tinyhouse and pre-#vanlife, and before Instagram was a thing. I dreamed of living more intentionally, cutting my expenses, and trying something new and unconventional to try to skirt the 9-5/mortgage/suburban/consumer lifestyle "trap." I quit my job, didn't renew my lease on my apartment, and bought a used schoolbus (a former Eagles tailgating short bus), which I renovated as a little mobile dwelling unit. I was #followingmydreams

It's always a tragically humorous thing when the fantasy and dream collide with the reality and pavement. You quickly realize that many of the things you took for granted about the "conventional" life you hubrisly spurred have all of a sudden become enviable privileges. Like flush toilets. Or, space. Or a permanent mailing address. 

In a painful twist of irony as well, all the cost-cutting potential gets undercut by the very nature of this kind of nomadic life being unconventional and economically unscaled. Things like mechanical breakdowns, more frequent eating out (due to it being harder to cook), being unable to buy in bulk because of lack of storage, RV/parking space fees, and 12mgp gas consumption when being on the move, may end up costing you more than if you had rented a small studio in the bad part of town. 

I lasted a couple weeks before I woke up to the challenges ahead of me, and donated the bus and moved in with a friend from grad school who had an extra room. It was an adventure for sure. I'm glad I got it out of my system. Because reality can sometimes be a good-for-you medicine. 

In a similar vein, for all the talk of a kind of agrarian throwback "Catholic Land Movement" that runs through some of the Distributist-Chestertonian and traditional circles, I don't really see this being a thing apart from small pin-points on a map here and there. Peter Maurin attempted to do this with Catholic Worker farms in the early part of the 20th century, and it just never took off. Devin Rose has an honest account of his family's putting their ideals into practice in attempting to do just this (you can read it here), and it being a complete admitted failure. The reality is, the deck is stacked against farmers who already have the knowledge and have been doing it for years. For the city-slicker who wants to undertake "living off the land"--in community no less--with no agriculture experience....well, its a sadly predictable failure to launch in most cases.

Devin admits his "farm flop" was a complete disaster, but similar to my experience, had a lot to teach him and was invaluable in that regard. Sometimes we learn from our failures. It may be a renewed appreciation of one's spouse after falling for the lie of infidelity after realizing the evaporative nature of extra-marital affairs. Or realizing that indoor plumbing is actually a laudable advancement of human achievement worth supporting. 

Maybe "conventional" living, however modest, is not something to scorn. Living modestly, working a job, raising a family; these are not bad things. I remember being so influenced by the Beats since they were my favorite literature to read in high school, and their post-war disdain for anything conventional. Gregory Corso's poem "Marriage" ("Should I get married? Should I be good?") spoke to my nomadic sensibilities, but did not result in my being happier or more fulfilled, since I was thwarting the vocation God had called me to. 

When I met my future wife, everything fell into place. Was I "selling out?" my ideal life of living in a van and reading books all day, in perceived freedom and solitude? Who knows. At that point, it was all in the rearview, and I wasn't looking back with fondness at the life I had left behind. Instead, I found myself immensely grateful for this unmerited gift in my wife of "a triple-braided rope" which is not quickly broken (Ecc 4:12).

Can the "Benedict-Option" work today to stem the washing tide of modernism and animosity to religion? Maybe. But there is also the more 'conventional' option to "bloom where you are planted." Maybe that's in a blue state, or the suburbs, or the basement of your parent's house as you begin your family. Maybe it's in a boring but secure job that allows you to provide for your family and have lots of kids and even some hobbies. Maybe you're not growing your own food and being "self-sufficient" (a misnomer if there ever was one), but buying produce from a local farm that is. 

Whatever it is, we are sometimes called to trek out in faith to an unknown Promised Land, leaving everything we know behind. But sometimes, for those of us who have explored the alternatives, you find yourself prodigal in a sense with your tail between your legs; you may have had to leave home to find it again. The hope is you have the arms of a loving Father there to welcome you back to it.