Thanks for reaching out, and glad we were able to connect. I’m happy to share my perspective and experience; keep in mine it is my own, and I don’t claim to speak for anyone else who suffers from depression, but I have a few things I can share, which I would like to do in three parts--the medical, the spiritual, and the practical. First, the medical.
I was (mis) diagnosed with clinical depression in 1999. I say misdiagnosed because while I suffered greatly from depression during high school, college, and after college, it wasn’t until 2004, when I was 24, that I suffered my first episode of mania, for which I was hospitalized in a psychiatric outpatient facility. As a result, my Dx was changed to Bipolar (I). I also struggled a lot with generalized anxiety. My father was diagnosed with this disease himself around the same time and, as they say, there is a strong genetic component. From the age of 24 to my early thirties, I swung between mania and depression, both being severe, though later the mania seemed to be more of a threat while the depression was not as bad as it had been in the past. In the psych facility I was prescribed a cocktail of medications which seemed to control things, but the side effects were hard. At one point I was on Lithium, Depakote, Wellbutrin, Lamictal, Zoloft, and Zyprexa all at the same time, and I struggled with ‘feeling’ anything. I’ve had a few different psychiatrists over the years, and was grateful to have one who was at least willing to try me titrating down and off of a few of those meds, just to see if they were needed or not. His rationale was we’ll watch it carefully, do it slowly, and if you get manic or depressed, I could just titrate back up. I also should mention around 2008 I added Abilify (an anti-psychotic often used in conjuction with SSRIs to treat bipolar disorder) to the mix. This was a very effective drug for me, and it was not long after that I started going off the others--Wellbutrin first (no change, so for 15 years it was basically not doing much of anything); then Lithium, Depakote (the Abilify replaced those), then Zyprexa and Lamictal (no change), and Zoloft (no change, but the withdrawal was tough as I remember). At this current point, I have only been on Abilify (5mg, once a day AM) and it has been a very effective drug for me at keeping both mania and depression at bay. I take Klonopin as needed, which is not often, for acute anxiety. Abilify is usually used in tandem with an anti-depressant, but I just haven’t needed it, I don’t know why. And believe me, my depression was severe, with bouts of suicidal ideation (never attempted) and lethargy/hopelessness that was so dark I could not see out of it.
I have often thought back to that time for insight into its roots and causes, both psychologically and spiritually, and wondered why I don’t suffer anymore. I don’t see a therapist or psychologist, though I have in the past and never found it all that helpful. So now I will share the other side of the coin which I think does not get explored as much when mental illness is treated from a strictly psychiatric perspective, and that is taking a look at the spiritual taproot. I am reticent to do this for anyone besides myself, but I will share some experiences that may be helpful to you in your situation to consider.
I have been reading Fr. Gabriele Amorth’s sequel book on exorcism (An Exorcist: More Stories), and the more I do the more I am convinced that the dark forces of evil in the world manifesting themselves in various forms of malaise play, at least in part, some role in perpetuating the mental suffering of individuals prone towards psychological dis-order. It really hasn’t been until the past couple years, and after having done a closer spiritual audit, that I discovered things about my past that may have perpetuated or exacerbated this condition of mental unrest, things that may have opened to door to a spiritual influence that was not of God.
Rather than dress and fluff it up, if I can be so blunt--sin has done damage to my life, a damage that only God can heal, and it has made things worse for me. Sin never leads to anything good, though we tolerate it for various reasons, when (at least for myself) we should take a harder line with it (while still being gentle and patient with ourselves, and not falling prey to scrupulosity, which can be difficult for religious people with mental disorders). I was baptized as a baby in Christian baptism in 1980, and became Catholic and was confirmed in 1998. But for years I lived--even as a grateful and zealous new Catholic--in a way that was not always consistent with my redemption in Christ. Fornication, drunkenness, intemperance, immodesty, recreational drug use, use of pornography and sexual immorality, filthy language...basically everything that Paul says incurs God’s wrath in Col 3:5-8, that which is the way of the world...and this as a believer in Christ, to whom the truth of salvation has been revealed! In addition to trying to stay in “the world” while living a Christian life of faith, I was towing the line with religious syncretism, believing that practices such as Eastern meditation and New Age mysticism was compatible with the Christian life, and, in fact, enhanced it. I practiced ‘mindfulness,’ in addition to Christian prayer, going so far as to make an 11 day silent retreat at a Buddhist monastery in Thailand, doing yoga, and spending time with new age spiritualists. Perhaps some of this spiritual exoticism was fueled by my illness at the time, but I also take responsibility for it, misguided as it might be. Traditional piety and religious practice I saw as “goody-two-shoes” and square, when in fact, nothing could be farther from the truth.
Though I cannot say with one hundred percent certainty, I suspect that much of my engagement with these sins and practices opened the door and made me vulnerable to the devil’s influence. Various demons plagued me. One time a spirit of sloth took such strong in root in me that I was completely listless and immobile for days on end. Another time I was oppressed by spirits that tempted me with thoughts of suicide. It was only my religious faith and God’s grace that saved me, as I felt engaged in a battle for my very life.
Let me say something else concerning the spiritual aspect of this disease. While I was accepting of it as a part of my life, I had some Christian friends, strong in their faith and confident in the power of God, who prayed for healing and deliverance over me about six or seven years ago rather extemporaneously, to banish this “spirit of mental illness” for me and the future generations of my household. I kind of wrote it off at the time as something nice to do, but as I reflect on it now, I do feel that played a big part in my recovery and keeping the manifestations of mental illness and malaise at bay. I never experienced any major trauma (physical, sexual, emotional, etc) as a child, and so much of the ‘delving into my past’ involved taking stock of choices I made in letting sin into my life was taking a spiritual inventory, rather than a healing from past trauma, though I do think for many people this holds a key to healing.
Let me say one more thing on the topic of the spiritual roots of dis-ease: it has become glaringly apparent to me that it is absolutely imperative to be living in a state of grace as a Catholic Christian and disciple of Jesus Christ. Otherwise, you are vulnerable to the Enemy, and susceptible to influence. I can say with all honesty and humility that for the first half of our marriage, we were not in a state of grace due to the use of artificial contraception. To make matters worse, we were not convicted enough to see the spiritual weight of this choice and would receive Communion each Sunday, ‘without discerning the body of Christ….eating and drinking judgment to ourselves’ (1 Cor 11:29). My spiritual formation was poor, as it was never forcefully preached against and I knew few people who weren’t contracepting, but nevertheless, I believe it did damage to us, spiritually speaking. Thanks be to God, through a various series of individuals and events, our consciences were pricked, we confessed our sins and received absolution, and by God’s grace abandoned the practice and amended our lives, trusting in His law. It has opened the door to many graces, and combined with the use of sacramentals (scapular, Miraculous Medal, holy water), regular Mass and Confession, daily prayer, reading of scripture, and recitation of the rosary, and charity, we are hoping to fortify our spirits against the influence of that which might lead us away from our Lord by deception and temptation. I simply cannot afford to take such a chance again.
Finally, the practical aspects. Nothing has done more good for my mental health, practically speaking, than marriage. My wife is an incredibly supportive, caring, and genuine person who wants my good. Again, this is just my experience, but I thank God everyday for her, because I know how heavy the weight of loneliness can be--for me in the past, and for many people today. It’s written in scripture that two are better than one, for they have a good return for their labor (Ecc 4:9-12), and this has been the case for me. When I fall down, I have someone to help me out. I am deeply grateful for that, as I realize not everyone has this.
I also have a supportive family. My mom and dad are nearby, and they have done much to support me in my past struggles. I know they love me and would do anything they could for me; they don’t judge or scorn--they’re just there when I need them.
I see my doctor regularly. At this point I am on a 3 month maintenance schedule, though I can always see her more if I need to. My medication regimen hasn’t changed significantly in the past five or six years--I figured if it isn’t broke, don’t fix it.
Regular exercise a few times a week has been good for endorphins and an overall feeling of physical and mental health, and for self-discipline. I try to eat a balanced diet, just common sense sensible, nothing extreme. One big thing that has helped my anxiety tremendously is giving up nicotine, which I used for twenty years as a way of controlling my emotions and anxiety, when in reality it was counter productive due to the stressful cycles of use and subsequent withdrawal. My brain is sensitive enough as it is, and the added chemical dependency just did not help. So, that has been tough, but good.
Finally, depression has a way of trapping you in yourself, so I find that pushing back against that by getting out and doing acts of service for others--whether that’s praying for other people, performing corporal works of mercy (feeding the hungry, visiting the homebound)--is beneficial when I get too self-focused. It takes effort, though, and that can be hard in depression. But if you can do it, I think it is good. Praying for others, especially, is good practice. During Lent, I got into the habit of ‘adopting’ someone different each day for forty days--a friend, a family member, a stranger, or an enemy--and just praying for them that day, for their intentions and well-being. That is a good practice for any time of year, maybe something to consider.
I hope this maybe sheds a little light on this difficult topic of depression you are struggling with. Take from it what is helpful and leave what is not, and trust in God in all things, even when He slays you. (Jb 13:15). If you are struggling under its weight, offer your suffering as reparation for the sins of man. If you find rays of sunlight piercing in the darkness, give thanks to God for the respite. Remember the words of St. Paul, who whatever state he found himself in learned to be content in it (Phil 4:11), and accepting of God’s will in all things, which is where we find our peace.
God bless you, and please don’t hesitate to reach out if I can be of any support. Be assured of my prayers.
Rob
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