Every week I have to clean it out, and every week it's the same solicitations. I tend to just delete en masse, though I'm always afraid I will have a legit one that was routed into the pile inadvertently and so sometimes I have to nervously pick through, like going through a heap of trash at the county dump, and I'm always afraid it will catch me on a bad day with their click bait. They--whoever sends these emails--are simply relentless. It never lets up, never quits. Sooner or later, they figure, you'll click.
I was out with some guy friends a few weeks ago. We were at a bar and a few of my buddies were taking smoke breaks, so we were all outside talking. My wife always asks me what guys talk about when they get together and I honestly don't know what to tell her, because we don't really talk about much, at least nothing of much substance. Sports sometimes, work, occasionally something about our kids or spouses, or arguing. But mostly it's not much of substance.
Anyway, we're out front and just shooting the breeze and somehow, I don't know, the topic of 'taking care of yourself' came up, though I don't remember in what context. And I made mention, kind of non-chalently, that I hadn't masturbated in about seven years. That included not looking at porn on-line and not looking at women in any kind of sexual capacity if they weren't my wife.
It was one of those moments when the record stops and its just...silence. "You're joking," one buddy said. No, and I couldn't quite understand the incredulity either, since my wife and I are intimate pretty regularly, so it wasn't like I wasn't, um, being 'taken care of.' Just didn't seem necessary to take care of anything myself.
Now, I love these guys. None of them are Christians, none of them are conservatives, but they are good guys. and are exceptionally respectful of me and my choices and generally don't badmouth the Church or faith or anything like that around me, and I value that about them. But the thought of a guy not looking at porn, not masturbating, and not even looking at a woman in that way was just..well, I think it was just one of those smh wth moments.
It didn't happen overnight. Nothing in my life happens overnight. I'm always two steps forward, one step back (and sometimes vice versa), and there was a good bit of stumbling along the way. But I was assured, from other men who had gone before me, that sexual integrity was a possibility, that God gives us the grace to resist sin, and that there are tools we can equip ourselves with to ensure victory. And believe me, if it is possible for me, it is possible for you too.
This morning at my men's prayer group, we were reading Jesus' Parable of the Yeast as it relates to the Kingdom:
"The kingdom of heaven is like yeast that a woman took and mixed with three measures of wheat flour until the whole batch was leavened." (Mt 13:33)
St. Paul also refers to yeast and leaven in his letter to the Corinthians, when he admonishes them,
"Do you not know that a little yeast leavens all the dough? Clear out the old yeast, so that you may become a fresh batch of dough, inasmuch as you are unleavened (1 Cor 5:7)."
He also writes more explicitly in his letter to the Ephesians that there should not be "a hint of sexual immorality among you" (Eph 5:3).
"Each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire conceives and brings forth sin, and when sin reaches maturity it gives birth to death." (James 1:14-15)
Yeast is a collection of small little grains that look like sand. In other parables close to the parable of the yeast, Jesus speaks of other small flecks, seeds--that of weeds (tares), as well as mustard seed. If you've ever baked bread, you know that yeast--those tiny granular flecks--work their way almost magically through the dough and expand it outwards. But it is not just 1 fleck, which would be insufficient to leaven a loaf. A teaspoon of yeast containing maybe a hundred granulars would do the trick though.
I asked an old monk once, "when do the temptations stop?" He answered me, "the day you die." Rather than deal with the macro 30,000 ft view, think about virtue as habit that plays out in the micro, day to day. It's the accumulation of many small choices that reinforce and slowly turn the U-boat of a particular action. In my case, the bouncing of the eyes became a daily practice, imperfect at first, of controlling the intellect, which in turn twarts fantasy, which in turn makes masturbation less likely. It seems like an impossible task, but flushing out and putting to death even the 'hints' of sexual immorality actually makes the task of chastity easier in the long run. You flirt with temptation you are going to get burned. For me, it has a way of getting a hook in and spreading like bad yeast, like weed seed in a field, very difficult to control.
Sexual integrity is not a goal in and of itself, that is, for bragging rights or some kind of moral Essene superiority. As we have seen lately, the way sexual immorality plays out in society hurts people--it hurts girls and boys, women and men, friends and family, wives and daughters, sons and brothers, and it is needless, death-dealing hurt.
Men--individual men, facing temptation, making choices, denying themselves, and choosing to suffer if need be for a greater good--are the individual grains that can leaven a loaf. And that means you. Start with yourself, and you'll have some ground to stand on. Be willing to stand up for your sisters and daughters, but do it with integrity first. Pray in earnest for healing. Confess your sins. Develop good habits. Practice bouncing the eyes. Find a brother to be accountable to. Suffer when your body calls for it to maintain chastity, for the sake of your sisters and daughters. Refuse to be complicit in darkness and perversions. Be open to life. Love sincerely and without possessing.
Do these things and maybe each of us, together, can make a dent in a culture of sexual darkness and violence, once grain at a time.
No comments:
Post a Comment