I Will Stay

We attend Mass at your standard fare Novus Ordo church. I wouldn't normally qualify it that way, but the more traditionalist friends I make, the more I am aware that such churches are not, in fact, 'standard fare' for all. In my case, it has been all I ever knew for the past twenty years, and I never would have used the term until a year ago. The parish church we attend itself is 225 years old, so architecturally it is a cut above some of more, let's say, aesthetically utilitarian churches in the immediate suburbs. There is an communion rail, but it is not used. There are altar boys but there are also altar girls, though they do use patens when the Eucharist is given. The OCP hymnals are standard, but we do have an organist to counter balance I suppose. 

By my description you may suspect a subtle prejudice slanted towards traditionalism, and you would not be incorrect. Though I came from a left-learning background politically and liturgically, I have been reading and lending ear to those who feel the change (destruction?) of the liturgy after Vatican II was of major significance. In their view, it goes deeper than mere aesthetics to a modernist subversive front designed to splinter the Church intentionally orchestrated. Honestly, I am not well read enough to speak intelligently about these things. I have been learning and considering, and if I had to describe it in words I would say I have "traditionalist sympathies." My attitude has been, if I meet someone who is nourished by and feels that the Traditional Latin Mass will save the Church as we know it, I want to know why. So, you could say I am in learning mode.

I'm going to share a story that may seem unrelated, but you will, I hope, understand why later. Before my wife and I met, we were praying for one another. A priest told me in college, "pray for your future spouse...even if you don't know who she is." So I did. A Christian friend told her to do the same thing, and to be specific. So she did. When we did meet (online) and had our first date not long after (coffee) and then we got engaged and then we got married.

When are looking for a mate we instinctively look for someone to fulfill our needs; but it occurred to me somewhere on the way to the altar that God had set my future wife aside for me as a provision, but that I also was a provision for her. I had a role to fulfill in God's plan for her life and that as a couple we had a roll to play in God's plan for those we would encounter. I was an agent in her plan for salvation, and vice versa. 

I was reminded of this when relaying my struggles to know what to do about these "traditionalist sympathies" to my spiritual director this morning, especially since I have been questioning if our current parish is the right place for our family and that has very practical implications. He is a humble and holy priest, a man of prayer and asceticism, but also practical and pragmatic. I told him I don't want to go off half-cocked and uproot my family for knee-jerk reasons, and especially not if the Holy Spirit is not guiding the decision. He listened to my concerns, and shared, in simple terms, his thoughts.

"Have you ever wondered why God did not choose someone like John the Baptist to be the Messiah, and the Essenes to be the first Apostles?" he said. After all, John seemed to be a more likely candidate--he was a hardcore spiritual athlete, wore hair shirts and ate locusts, and never was there a greater prophet among those born of woman than him (Lk 7:28). The Essenes were Jewish separatists and followed John's hardcore example of fasting and asceticism, but lived in community. 

But that is not how salvation history was written. The first apostles hand chosen by Jesus were commoners--fishermen, tax collectors, married with children. They were not ascetics, were not scholars, were not rabbis. They were just...regular guys. 

He also said that he regularly leads retreats for Mother Teresa's sisters, the Missionaries of Charity. "Their churches are what you might think of as 'ugly,' their altars 'plain' and their singing," he smiled, "not very pretty." But they are doing God's work, what He has called them to, and this is their charism. 

"It's my belief that it is better to light a lamp than curse the darkness," he said when we were speaking of the scandal in the Church, and my frustrations. "You have to make the decision yourself of whether to stay or go and where to worship. Just keep in mind pastors come and go. And you may find you can be a light where you are." 

I nodded and considered his words. Be a light where you are. It made me reflect on my relationship with Deb--I have always told her, "I need you," but realized just as equally that "she needs me." I am her provision. I have no desire to 'trade up' or 'trade in' on my marriage, as I see so often around me when things don't work out the way we want or imagine. Whether or not she meets my needs is beside the point. We are one flesh, til death. There is no getting out of this. I'm not saying one shouldn't switch parishes should they feel called to, maybe the analogy is a flawed one. I also am not one to tell someone how to pray or how to worship. I'm just saying that for my current situation, I may have felt called out from where we are currently for self-serving reasons. It is very possible that we are there, despite perceived flaws (which every church has), to light a lamp rather than curse the darkness, to be someone's provision rather than seek to be provided for, and to offer gifts rather than strictly receiving them.

In this time of need, the universal Church needs us. The Church needs YOU. That will look different for everyone whether one feels called to worship in a traditional liturgical setting, or not. We are going to attend a Traditional Latin Mass tomorrow with friends who invited us, just to see and to experience it. I have the highest respect for it and for those who attend, but from afar. But in all honesty, I have never had a problem with the Novus Ordo either, as long as it is reverent. I know some people may disagree. But for our family, I'm inclined to think at this point, to leave our current parish would be an impetuous reaction. We will be a provision. We will light a lamp rather than curse the darkness. We will stay.