I have no models but the saints, and a few friends of faith. But after living the faith for a while (like a fool, not having gotten the memo that everything is relative), you start to think yourself a little fray, a little cray, over time. Because all the dots are connected, everything is clear--what you are living for, what you need to do, where you are heading--and you look around and everyone--your family, the people in the pews, your pastor, your coworkers, the people at the store--seems to be unaware, unconcerned, or unbothered.
So you start to doubt yourself. Maybe I am crazy? Maybe I should tone it down?
I don't believe anyone needs to look for suffering. Unless it is God's will for you to suffer. Then that changes everything. And it very well may be, but that is His prerogative, not ours.
It has been my impression among non-Catholic Christians that suffering is not seen as redemptive, maybe something to be avoided. Not always, but at least in more prosperity-type mindsets. There is not the value in it ascribed by Catholics. In the Church, given the history of the saints and Christ's own suffering, it makes sense, does have value, is used in the work of redemption. It's this context that I find myself.
'When it is all over you will not regret having suffered; rather you will regret having suffered so little, and suffered that little so badly.'
--St. Sebastian Valfre
I pray I will not eat these words someday. But I'm starting to get it, and it is only by reading the lives of the saints who lived it. And even if I did, should it move me to weep in weakness, I would be in good company with Peter.
"I desire to suffer always and not to die. I should add: this is not my will, it is my inclination. It is sweet to think of Jesus; but it is sweeter to do His will."
--Bl Mary of Jesus Crucified "The Little Arab"
God's will. His will. Always God's will. I would rather be the vilest worm by God's will than a seraph by my own (Bl Henry Suso).
We must abide by God's will despite what we think might be right on the surface. If God calls us to meet a friend at a fine restaurant one night when we want to fast of our own accord, it is wrong for us to fast. Who knows, it may be for his conversion that we are called to dine well that night and speak with tenderness over wine. And the nights where we desire a steak and a drink, He may call us to fast for this same friend. Who knows. Only God's will matters. Always His will. Lord, I come to do Your will.
"For it is better, if God should will it so, that you suffer for doing what is right rather than for doing what is wrong"
(1 Peter 3:17)
The question should not be 'how will I suffer?' but 'will I suffer for Him?' We suffer when we resist sin, since we are in the flesh. That is doing what is right, what Peter talks about. When we do wrong seeking pleasure, we suffer but by the world's hands, since the love of the Father is not in us when we are consumed by love of the world (1 Jn 2:15).
Do we dare ask for suffering? That I am afraid of, still, reluctant. But in His will, only His will, it may be part and parcel. Will I avoid it then? St. Peter, give me strength to go to death in my time, give me faith as you walked on water, give me courage to suffer disgrace for the Name.
I don't know what is happening to me. I don't know what is happening in the Church. But I know God is working, and He wills to work through us if he give him our fiat, as our Blessed Mother did. I used to be afraid, but I'm not so afraid anymore, and it is only by grace. My life is empty without Christ, and I want, I will to give him my life whatever comes, because he is worthy to be trusted. Lord, use me and do not leave me alone. If all my friends leave me, do not leave me Lord. And if you do, only fortify me in the darkness, and send your angels to minister to me in my weakness.
See, you are doing a new thing in your Church! I was once afraid of suffering for your sake, Lord, but if it be your will and if your work demands it then send it Lord. So that with St. Maximilian, I might have the privilege, Lord, to say:
"For Jesus Christ, I am prepared to suffer still more."
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