Spiritual Direction: Men Need Not Apply

I realized something very unusual today: I don't know a single guy--meaning, a lay Catholic man (not a priest or religious)--who has a spiritual director or is in spiritual direction. Not a single one. Spiritual direction seems almost entirely geared towards, and utilized by, women.

This is curious in some ways, and not surprising in others. After all, isn't it important, essential even, for growing in one's spiritual life, and advancing in holiness? To have a guide or coach even who can push you to put aside vice, pursue virtue, identify threats and temptations to avoid, and deepen one's prayer life? 

And yet, the language of spiritual direction is couched in "developing a relationship with the Lord..."not a problem to be solved, but something to be discovered and deepened and celebrated." There is nothing wrong with this per se, but it one hundred percent appeals to female sensitivities. In many ways, if reflects the expression of the feminized liturgy common in so many Catholic churches today: Sharing. Celebrating. Expressing. Cultivating. Excuse me, I, uh, forgot something outside.

I've had a number of therapists over the years, and almost all were useless because, frankly, their expectation of improvement came from one simply talking and sharing feelings. One therapist I had early on, however, who was working pro-bono, was effective, because she gave me work to do, she had a framework to work within (CBT, or cognitive behavioral therapy), and she meant business. She pushed me to train my brain to think differently in the way a spotter on the bench might yell at you to pump out one more rep. 

Women, for the most part, love to talk, to share, to express themselves, to get feedback. They do this ad nauseum online, interacting with one another, asking questions, commenting on every little thing. Communication is key for many women. Maybe they are attracted to spiritual direction for this reason because they get the chance to do all this in a spiritual context with a priest or religious. 

Men are another thing altogether. Most straight men don't think or relate this way. Relating to the quote above, most DO approach things as "problems to be solved." Discovering, deepening, celebrating--these thing are important, but the language is just so...gay. I don't know any (straight) man whose sensibilities would be perked by this kind of talk. 

So, what then for the men? Is spiritual direction just a thing for women or religious, primarily? Admittedly, it is hard enough to find a spiritual director at all, let a lone a good one. Even if you find one, asking them to take you on is a big commitment, and often the good priests and religious are too busy to do so. And then, if it's just a matter of listening to you talk, but not having any objective training in the interior life himself, it may be the blind leading the blind. For this reason I, like most Catholic men my age, are just doing the best we can with what we have--scripture, the lives of the saints, the Catechism, Mass, Confession, and fellowship with one another.

But it's weird, right? Like, we're called to be saints. God gives us the grace we need, even the most simple among us, to reach this state. And yet, there's a place for graduate schools and PhD programs and professors trained in their respective field to teach those who wish to master a subject. We could say "well, you could also just go to the public library and read 8 hours a day on the subject." But there's a recognition that we need teachers, guides, to reach our fullest potential.

Yes, the Holy Spirit can accomplish this task. As a man, I get my spiritual direction these days piecemeal from various trusted friends and sources. Having had such awful spiritual direction in the past, I have a leeriness I have to overcome, and that's assuming I could even find a spiritual director I connect with who also would have the bandwidth to take me on.

I also think there's this deference sometimes that can happen should you be privileged enough to have a spiritual director, like, "My spiritual director told me to do x, y, z," or "my spiritual director advised _____" so that we can kind of shirk some of the responsibility for our own lives and put it on their shoulders. For some people this may be not be an issue, but I'm sure some see it as an opportunity to not do the work they need to do, or take responsibility for hard decisions. 

But I think there's a hole, a vacuum there somewhere. We can see the Jordan Peterson phenomenon with his Rules for Life shtick attracting so many young men; he is essentially filling that void, albeit in a secular capacity. And we see Fr. Ripperger kind of doing that too on Sensus Fidelium, speaking to both men and women but it's not effete at all, but attractive to male sensibilities. But these are recordings, not a personal coaching/mentorship/tutelage type of relationship and little accountability as well. 

One thing I do think we need to admit, though, is if you are not solid in your prayer life already, and putting in the work and time, you probably aren't ready for spiritual direction anyway. That should be a litmus, and I think it's a good one, especially for the sake of the priest or religious willing to take you on.

Why do I say priest or religious? Can't laypeople be spiritual directors? I suppose they can, but nine times out of ten they will be a woman (or a gay man), and that comes with it the aforementioned sensibilities that might not be appropriate for a man to grow in his faith, or speak to him in a way another man can. 

What are Catholic lay men supposed to do? Are the heights of spiritual perfection not for us, but only for male religious, priests, monks, hermits who have teachers to guide them? What do we do when we face temptations, spiritual landmines, confusion, misappropriation, dejection, imbalance? If other men are like me, we just kind of have to figure it out on our own, making mistakes and re-calibrating as we go, and utilizing the sacrament of Penance often.