Temptation is such a strange thing. Always predictable, and yet always new.
I have been out of the woods for over six months, having quit smoking/vaping/dipping/nicotine cold turkey over the summer. It was brutal but the acute pain of it was shortlived. Months 2-5 were largely passed unscathed. But for whatever reason the past month, I think everyday of going back to it. Every day I need to consciously say, "No, thank you." "No, not today." "No, we are not going back to being a slave." "We are going to stay in the Promised Land...there is nothing back there in Egypt for us."
We all have our struggles and vices, our particular crosses and temptations. I haven't masturbated or looked at pornography in over 12 years. One always needs to stay diligent, but it's not an every-day struggle anymore for me. For some men, this is their battle; one which needs to be won.
But with regards to this drug, I consciously know I can't just pick up a JUUL or whatever and use it every now and then. Unfortunately, from past experience, I seem to need a no-tolerance policy in order to stay clean. "As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool repeats his folly" (Prov 26:11). I have to admit there is a kind of powerlessness over the drug, that I would be a fool to entertain a "I can have just one" rationalization. I have no physical dependency at this point; it is one hundred percent head game. "Take heed, lest you fall" (1 Cor 10:12)
There comes a point when our exercise of the will becomes just that--exercise. Some days we are cruising, in the habit of virtue. And sometimes we need to deal with the oily suggestions that slide into our eardrums from the lemon-lot salesman more consciously. In these moments we only see the uncorrupted parts of the fruit being offered. We need to say NO and turn right away. "When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it" (Gen 3:6). It can physically and psychologically hurt to do so. But any short term pleasure must be considered against the inevitable fallout that would take one back to the land they escaped.
"And the children of Israel said to them: Would to God we had died by the hand of the Lord in the land of Egypt, when we sat over the flesh pots, and ate bread to the full. Why have you brought us into this desert, that you might destroy all the multitude with famine?" (Exodus 16:3)
I have to think that the devil will often try to wear us down by projecting things into the future. This exercising the will which feels so tiresome day in and day out--when it's suggested to us that it will never end, will be like this forever, will exhaust us to the point where we have no choice but to succumb to whatever temptation we are being buffeted by--it's absolute folly....but you want to listen to the siren that gives you permission to indulge your senses. "It will be ok. Just one. Just one time. Just one hit. I promise. Just one." The next thing you know you are back to square one. Any addict knows how the story ends. The weariness of being clean and turning down invitations to indulge are nothing compared to the weariness of day-in day-out addiction.
One thing a friend in deliverance ministry suggested to me when I lamented to her that I was tired of 'exercising' the will, saying no to my dark wants every. single. day. She said, offer it up for someone specific. I heard somewhere, I can't remember--offer your temptations and sufferings for the release of a thousand souls in purgatory. Their release is more painful to the Devil than the pleasure brought on by seeing you suffer, so maybe he will stop tempting you then. Not sure how theologically accurate that is, but I'm willing to give it a try.
We all have our battles, our tailor made crosses. This may be one of mine (among others). I don't want to forget the freedom, the newfound strength, the ability to be free in times of crisis, unfettered by binding chains. But some days it's all I can do to not pull over the car and feed my addiction. Every day is a 'NO' and I gnash my teeth a little. It feels like there's no end in sight, no respite on the horizon. And yet, all I have to do every day is what I am currently doing. Not listening to the lies, not using, and not forgetting. There's a lot at stake, and I am a weak and unprincipled man.
Deliver me, Jesus. Deliver me. Take this suffering and use it for Your glory. Amen.
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