We Are All A Mess

 ...some of us are just better at masking it than others.

I was texting with a buddy tonight and he asked how I was. I responded that I am in a good place, but given that I am 60% pessimist / 40% realist, I figure it's just a matter of time before the other shoe drops and everything goes to pot. Let's hope not, but you never know. 

There have been times when I've been totally dependent on God and others to get me through just living day to day. It's at these times when you appreciate the Simons that are drawn out of the crowd to help you carry your cross, that you have someone else to ease your burden, if nothing else by just being there with you in the suffering. 

And there are other times, like now. where I feel like I'm on stable ground and can pay forward some of that mercy that was shown to me. 

It's a hard balance to strike at this stage in life to prevent being leveraged too severely with sports, activities, social events, work, and everything else. There is no shortage of "stuff" to keep us busy and our calendars covered with dots. The Devil loves idle hands, it is true. But to the degree we find ourselves so busy--sometimes by circumstance and sometimes by our own hand--that we don't have the bandwidth to absorb unplanned things that come up, enjoy time to take a walk or play, listen to a friend, or simply be unproductive, then maybe it's worth taking a look at what we can cull to make some space for life unscripted. 

We all have our preferred way of communicating with the Lord. Some guys I know feel they need their missal, the Office, and formal prayers to do that. Others prefer the rosary, novenas, and devotionals. These are all laudable practices, as long as it is what the Lord is asking of us and we are giving Him. 

But sometimes, we find ourselves a complete mess, and compensating for the chaos and lack of control in our lives by holding ever more tightly to 'adult' prayer that is respectable and well-presented. When what we really need to do is let ourselves be a mess, collapsing in the lap of the Lord.

My preferred place to do this above all the rest is at Adoration. Don't let the lack of line and form fool you--it's not easy to just 'be' for an hour with nothing to 'do.' It's not always easy to give up our well-guarded time. And believe it or not, it's not always easy to let yourself be loved as you are.

My dad will occasionally walk from his house at lunch time and sit on the bench outside my office. He'll text me to sit with him. I oblige him, but I'm always checking my watch or trying to think of things to talk about, when really, he's just content to be with me for as long as I will give him. "Easy for him, he's retired. He's got all the time in the world," I think to myself. But that's not it. When I think of all the time I piddle away on the things that don't love me back, and how little I give to the ones (and the One) who do nothing but love me, it's something that doesn't make sense in the Divine Economy. God doesn't ask for much. Just our whole heart, mind, strength, and soul. lol

I know quite a few people going through some very hard things right now. They find themselves a mess. One friend after Mass just burst into spontaneous tears from how hard life was for her at that moment. Others carry the burden more internally.

But what does our Lord long to communicate to us? "Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble of heart; and you will find rest. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” (Mt 11:25-30) 

I find the spiritual hot springs to find that rest is Adoration. It is in this space where we can stop pretending for a time; where we can lay down our egos and our defenses, and just. be. loved. I don't know if trads have a harder time with this than others, since it's kind of "squishy," but no matter. It is the Lord truly present--body, blood, soul, divinity--what can be more 'trad' than that? 

He is on the altar before us, in the humble form of bread. Were He not, it would be like staring at a solar eclipse with the naked eye. Have you ever noticed that as He sits on the altar before us, there is no room on the altar for us to offer our burnt offerings, our oblations, our sacrifices? Not here, because as David recognized,

"You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;

    you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.

 My sacrifice, O God, is[a] a broken spirit;

    a broken and contrite heart

    you, God, will not despise." 

(Ps 51:16-17)

Many of us are carrying around broken hearts, keeping it to (and for) ourselves. But the Lord wants it. And I find the place best to drop it beating and bruised before him is at the foot of that altar in Adoration. 

Here's the thing, though...it takes a little time for the engine to warm up. An hour is best, and I find that the first forty minutes of settling gives way to fruit that bears heavily in the remaining twenty minutes, when things have thawed and softened enough to hear Him speak, in the recesses of the heart. Some days you feel like you have to chain yourself to the pew, the chair, to keep from "doing something," anything, to distract you from...well, yourself. 

The Devil is well aware of this. He will convince you you have better things to do, more productive things not "wasted" in this way. That you should get up and leave because, "you know....things gotta get done. We can't sit around all day." It takes discipline and fortitude to just be, without an agenda, without a mask, sitting with your mess of a self, before the God of the Universe. 

This is what He wants. This is where He has made Himself available to you. And so in those moments, when you find yourself in the dimly lit chapel at 2am, or early in the morning, or after work, just say quietly, "this is where I'm to be. This is where He wants me for the next 60 minutes." If all you have is 30 minutes, give 30. If all you have is 15, give 15. But shoot for an hour. Highway miles are good for an engine. 

We think others have it all together. They don't. Everyone is carrying something they'd be better off laying down. But they don't always know how. Adoration teaches you how--without words, without instructions, to lay your burden down. It's a true grace to not have to pretend, to be offered rest and respite from everything we think is so important. We tend to forget from time to time, and slip back into our old ways. But the more we can set aside time to let ourselves be loved in this way, learn to let ourselves be loved, and trust that it's ok we don't have it all together, the more fertile ground our Lord will have to plant in. 

One hour in adoration. No agenda, no words, no self-judgment or condemnation. Just giving God the gift of time, and a broken mess of a heart. Give it a try. I guarantee we're all a mess. But before the Lord, there's no need to hide it.