How To Discern A Move

 State Farm had a great commercial a few years ago that almost every dad could relate to. It starts with a young man poolside with his friends at a party who says, "I'm never getting married." The next scene is of him picking out a ring at a jeweler. Subsequent scenes include "We're never having kids" while on an airplane, followed by...the wife in labor; "We're never moving to the suburbs" while in their city apartment with their child, followed by his family outside their new suburban home; "We're never getting one of those," followed by him washing his new minivan. And so on.

I've followed this sequence pretty predictably and to the letter; at first I felt like a sell-out, a betrayal of some kind of pact I made with my past-self. But then you come to just accept it, that things change, and that it's more or less a natural progression. 

One thing I've noticed is some of my Catholic friends talking about moving to a "good diocese" or a "red state." Part of this is understandable, given that we tend to want to be surrounded by people who share our values. One friend I have with ten kids took advantage of the hot Phoenix real estate market and sold their home to buy 15 acres in the Midwest with the hopes of starting a Catholic community of families affiliated with a monastery. Another friend (also with a large family) did the same thing with their home in California to relocate to Ohio and start a hobby farm. One local friend wants to move downtown so they can walk to the local parish. One acquaintance wanted to flee our home state here to escape the imagined tyranny of our liberal Govenor and move to a "red state" like North Dakota. Another moved somewhat hastily from Australia to Mexico to flee the vaccine mandates. Some have spoken about being drawn to intentional Catholic enclaves like Ave Maria in Florida, or St. Mary's in Kansas. 

All this sounds great in theory. One night I even found myself browsing Zillow for houses in Steubenville (Ohio), where Franciscan University is located. "Wouldn't it be cool to live in a Catholic town, and be able to buy a house for $50,000? Hmm." I wasn't seriously considering it, but the thought went through my head, even though we have a great local Catholic community and parish here, our family is in the area, and we feel blessed to have found a home that we can see ourselves growing old in. All things not to be taken lightly or on a whim.

On the flipside, I had been conversing with a friend who had real doubts about the decisions he had made for his family to go to Haiti as missionaries (which ultimately didn't end up working out due to lack of funds), and joining the Air Force (which necessitated another move). He felt that he hadn't really discerned these decisions carefully, but was trying to find solutions to problems that needed addressing (dealing with student loans, as one example).  

Apologist Devin Rose wrote a book a few years ago titled, Farm Flop: A City Dweller's Guide To Failing On A Farm In Two Years Or Less. In it he honestly details the dreams and realities of moving from the city to live out the ideals of Distributism and the Catholic Land Movement. I didn't read the book, but he offers some illustrations of how things didn't go as planned and how they had romaticized such a move (and vastly underestimated the amount of work required to run a farm) here. They eventually landed on their feet, and learned from the experience, but it was still an ordeal. 

Moving is sometimes necessary, and sometimes self-initiated. I initially didn't want to move from our row house in the city because of the hassle and stress, but it ended up being the best thing for us. And it's true that Americans used to move with much greater frequency in the early part of the 20th century, and that uprooting has become less prevalent in subsequent decades. But like all big decisions that can have an effect on our families, it should be discerned carefully and prudently. When a friend texted me an idea of buying an abandoned monastery and was trying to get other Catholic families to buy in and split it up into family units, I felt like I rained on his parade by bringing up the counter-points (that he hadn't considered): Where will the men work? Will they be able to find jobs to support their families? What is the local economy like? Will they need to retrain in a new industry? What about the neighboring community? The local parish? What if the families got along in our local area but didn't in this new community? How would ownership and zoning laws factor in? 

But these are valid points and even if they dampen the dreams with the realities that will have to be dealt with, they deserve to be considered, especially if a family is considering uprooting to go in on the idea. 

There is also this idea for fervent Catholics that a move from a "bad diocese" to a "good diocese" may outweigh other considerations, since faith comes first. But as one can see with what's happening in Phoenix currently, I'd hate to have moved there under Bishop Olmstead's charge only to be greeted by the new appointment of "LGBT-positive" Bishop Dolan. Church hopping because you "like the pastor" is another example on a smaller scale; and yet, pastors are reassigned quite frequently (maybe for good reason, but not without effects on the local parish community), making decisions based on this short-sighted. 

I think social media can have its drawbacks in this regard--when housewives see others in their circle on Instagram or Facebook lamenting or extolling this or that, there is a kind of infectious desire to be part of it, or find dissatisfaction with their current situation; in some cases, they may apply gentle pressure on their husbands to consider a move, which puts him in the difficult and pragmatic situation of having to find a new job, or even a new industry if jobs are not available where one has dreams of moving to. 

With any major decision, whether moving or anything else, one should as always take it to prayer. This cannot be overstated. A novena to St. Joseph (who was no stranger to moving his family) is a good start. The nine-day gestation period gives time for grace to percolate, and also to reflect on the real reasons and motivations one has for the decision. 

In addition to prayer, it can help to sit down and rationally make a pro/con list detailing the costs and benefits of a move (or a new job, or a new parish, etc). It's not contrary to faith to employ one's reason. This should be in consultation with one's spouse, and should ideally involve to a degree the children as well. All considerations should be taken into account, and weighed and discerned with regards to the family's particular circumstances and values (not because everyone on Facebook is doing it!). 

It may help to scout things out if possible, do research, and talk with people who actually live in the area you are considering moving to. Maybe rent a hotel and spend a week there to get a feel for it (again, if possible) and visit the local parish for Mass. You may find your idealized version may not square with how things actually are. 

I think it should be noted, too, that sometimes our dissatisfaction with our current situations come from something inside of us, rather than in the externals. We often blame our spouse when there is something inside of us that needs changing; we point to all the flaws in a parish when we aren't investing in it ourselves; we are unhappy in our jobs when maybe all we need is a shift in perspective or attitude. In those cases, it might make sense to stay put and not make any decisions in moments of dischord and unrest. There is something to be said in the "bloom where you are planted" mentality, and you may discern that your restlessness for "somewhere else" may have legitimacy, or it may just be an effect of not being at peace with yourself.