Why Do I Write?

There was a song in Good Will Hunting by Luscious Jackson titled "Why Do I Lie?" It's catchy, I like it, and I liked the movie when I saw it twenty years ago. It also reminds me of one of my favorite and meaty passages of scripture, Romans 7, where Paul asks "Why Do I Do That Which I Hate?" So apropros. 

It's good to take stock of why we do the things we do from time to time. A smoker might ask themselves "why do I smoke?" Or an over-eater why they overeat. Because I'm anti-social? Because I lack confidence? Because I need a bit of pleasure here and there through vice? Because I'm anxious? It helps us get to the root of our motivations, why we do the things we do. Most people go through life with little self-reflection, and so find themselves trapped in cycles of self-perpetuating habits.

Writing is no different. I was thinking about it this morning and came up with a few reasons as I reflected on them.

Charity

I try to write as an act of charity, first and foremost. My hope has always been to do the work of an an evangelist, but my writing has shifted over the years to also trying to fortify the people of God in their own walks. Not by prescribing anything, but as an act of solidarity from one sinner to another. To give witness to the love of God, and grace. As St. Paul says, "in preaching the gospel I may offer it free of charge, and so not make use of my rights in preaching it" (1 Cor 9:18). This is because I have been forgiven a debt, and the debt I must work to repay.

Penance

Writing is less a penance than something I just do--neither pleasurable nor painful. But as above, God has entrusted some kind of talent in me, that I'm apt to bury, but just can't. So, the goal is to multiply it for His glory. That means if any of it is about me, it is only as a subject, not a focus. Defer, deflect--all glory to God and the Gospel. I could think of worse penances. 

Compulsion

There could also be worse activities of compulsion: gambling, drug use, etc. Compulsion is a strong force; even when we want to stop, we can't sometimes except by a monumental act of the will. As Jeremiah lamented, "I will not mention his word or speak anymore in his name,” his word is in my heart like a fire, a fire shut up in my bones" (Jer 20:9). This is what writing is for me. A shame and a glory. A fire and a scarring. A hot potato that needs to be passed to someone else, lest it burn your hands.  Paul said he was "compelled" to preach the Gospel (1 Cor 9:16). He fears if he does not. Maybe that is what I mean by compulsion.

Encouragement

I am not a good friend. But Sometimes I can be a cheerleader for the faithful of Jesus Christ, even though I get burdened myself. That's when it gets tough, and doubt creeps in. "What you have heard from me through many witnesses entrust to faithful people who will be able to teach oth­ers as well” (2 Tim 2:2). I don't sleep a whole lot, and think, chew cud, process, discern, and spit out. What's there is, I figure, maybe of use to others who may not have the time to digest the weighter matters of faith. 

Vanity

This is becoming less of an issue the older I get, but I did want my name out there for a while. This has faded, as Ecclesiastes notes, "all is vanity." So much vanity out there, a vice we're not often aware of. It goes back to that self-reflection: why do we do the things we do? Jesus says to not let our left hand know what our right is doing. This is good, because as I've said on more than one occasion: you're not that important. People can live without your insights. It keeps me in my place. Deo Gratias. But affirmation is my love language, so it's an ongoing struggle. 

Connection and Community

I also like to connect people together by way of degree. Maybe my writing can serve that purpose, string disparagent people in different isolated circles together. Seven degrees of Kevin Bacon and all that. Again, all for the sake of the Gospel. There is solace in knowing you are not alone--especially if you've felt the acute pain of loneliness, as I have, even in the midst of others. Feel free to use the blog as a well of sorts to meet and discuss. Comments are always open.

Education

I'm not an especially educated person, but I used to read (a lot!) and think about things, and there is so much to learn in the Church you will never plumb the depths. That is a great gift to have such a bottomless well of grace and tradition and history. I'm just scratching the surface and offering the flakes for others.

 Legacy and Remembering

I write to remember. For better or worse. I want to leave a legacy for my children. My wife has aleady threatened to print and compile all 600 of my blog posts from the past few years for them. I do it for me. For the Lord. But also for them. Lord, just let it be after I pass, though. It's too embarrassing otherwise. Let it be a kind of knit-blanket from their father they can keep to remember me.

Working Out My Demons

I write to process. I talk things out with my wife and friends, too, but writing is where I do it alone. It goes back to that question of "why do I do that which I do?" I have time to think and digest, and throw it up on a page for later. To go back to, maybe, to learn and more forward. Breadcrumbs for my family, and my own consciousness. I struggle sometimes, a lot. It's for me, not anyone else. But I'd rather it be used than sit rotting in a diary somewhere. I've benefitted greatly from the honest humanity of others. Maybe I can pay it back someday in the same way.

Glory to God

All glory belongs to God. I didn't ask for this. I don't know why I do it. But He does and he knows what He is about. Just use me Lord, as embarrassing as it is. Just don't let it be about me. Take it all and make it new.