Blood On Our Hands: Preparing For Your First Confession

This afternoon I met a friend for coffee. At almost fifty years old, he is preparing to enter the Church at the Easter Vigil. Thanks be to God. 

We spoke for about two hours at a wrought-iron cafe table under a charcoal November sky, chilled to the bone and nursing our Americanos. We discussed a lot, but most of the conversation revolved around our past lives. Though those pasts are different in some of the details, there is a lot of overlap because we both know the bitter dregs of the flesh, the darkness of our own depravity and the specter of tempting death with the way we lived our lives as dumb and blind sinners. That we were spared when other people in our paths succumbed to overdoses, suicides, prison time, and the weighted blanket of mortal sin was a mystery for us both. I have to believe we were ransomed from the miry pit for a purpose, and that that forgiveness came at a heavy cost--the price of blood. That we should spend our lives in penance and gratefulness for a new lease on life is a given. 

The difference is, I made my first (general) Confession over twenty five years ago, and my friend is preparing to make his now. He feels the weight of his past life and the consequences of certain choices, and is understandably a bit nervous, because "there's a lot." 

When children are preparing for their first Penance, it can be a rather commonplace affair. "I was mean to my brother," or "I took something that wasn't mine." I wish I had their general innocence, but we have to play the cards we're dealt, make restitution as best we can, and trust the power of absolution that makes the crimson stain of sin white as snow by Christ's sacrifice and his desire to reconcile us to himself. He takes our shaking hands, red with the blood of our brethren, into his own, and we can see the lines of our palms again as he speaks those coveted words, "I absolve you from your sins, in the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit..."

My friend is not alone in his apprehension. For converts to the Faith, it can be intimidating not only to recall our sins--some of which may be grave--and their consequences, but to actually disclose them to another human being. And so I thought I would highlight some of the thoughts I shared with my friend for the benefit of others who may have been away from the Church and the Sacrament for months, years, or even decades, as well as for those converts coming into the Church in a few months and preparing to make their first (General) Confession.

Know you are a marked man

For the sinner turning back to God, Satan will use any means necessary to detour you on your return to the home of grace. He may throw physical or material setbacks in your path (mechanical problems, spousal feuds, health issues, etc) to keep your focus from the spiritual war being waged for your soul and your upcoming appointment with the priest. He may fill you with doubt (that you can ever be forgiven), that your sins are so great that you will scandalize your confessor. He may run scenarios through your head--the attraction of the wide road of turning back to your former, comfortable way of life, the friends you may lose, the (imagined) look of horror on the priest's face. He will use whatever it takes to keep you running from the daylight. He may have you marked, but the devil is on a short leash; he can only tempt you to doubt, despair, or fear which are mirages and distortions of truth. 

You should expect such things not as an aberration, but a means of disarmament. "Dearly beloved, think not strange the burning heat which is to try you, as if some new thing happened to you; But if you partake of the sufferings of Christ, rejoice that when his glory shall be revealed, you may also be glad with exceeding joy" (1 Pt 4:12-13). Were your soul to have no value, he would not bother. But because you seek the mantle of Christ, he knows he will soon lose a client unless he takes action. So, know that you are marked for destruction, but that God guards the steps of his faithful ones (1 Sam 2:9).

A spiritual colonoscopy

"The penitent man will pass," as Indiana Jones recited in The Last Crusade. Humility and contrition bring the sinner to his knees where he finds the key to the jail cell on the floor at his feet. But there is still a long corridor to walk to daylight. 

“Who can discern his errors?" King David prays, "Forgive my hidden faults. Keep your servant also from wilful sins; may they not rule over me. Then will I be blameless, innocent of great transgression" (Ps 19:12-14).

To prepare an audit for what may be a long and sordid past, it would be good to spend at least a few days in intentional prayer, alone, aided by fasting. Ask for the grace to have your hidden faults revealed, a grace God will grant the humble and contrite. Employ a good and thorough Examination of Conscience. Though not necessary, from a pragmatic standpoint it can be helpful to write down one's sins, as far back as memory allows, to make sure every crevice is cleaned, every stubborn nook searched and scrubbed, to get it all out and down on paper. Keep the paper safe from view; bring some matches or a lighter with you; for when you emerge from the confessional on that fateful day of forgiveness, you can burn that sheet. Let the flames that consume it be a reminder that your soul was spared from the flames of Hell by the blood of Christ.

Withhold nothing

Confession is our opportunity--maybe for the first time in our lives--to be radically honest with ourselves, another man, and God. You do no favors keeping anything intentionally hidden, and fool no one, for the LORD sees the hidden deeds of men. In fact, were one to do so, their absolution would be nullified. 

"Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the LORD.” And you forgave the guilt of my sin" (Ps 32:5).

If you unintentionally miss something in your examination of conscience, do not let scrupulosity rob you of the joy of forgiveness, for scrupulosity is a tool of the Devil. When we beg, "For these sins and all the sins I cannot remember, I humbly beg pardon, penance, and absolution," we trust that the Lord forgives even those sins we were not aware of in ignorance, as long as we do not intentionally leave them out of our confession. 

Feel the burn of shame

When I made a General Confession a few years ago, there were sins that surfaced from my past that literally burned my tongue as I confessed them out loud. This is the savage beauty of the Sacrament--that we must confess with our mouths, protected by the Seal of the confessional, in which we can get a taste of the effect of sin physically. We can feel disgusted with ourselves, and may shed tears of contrition in the process--this is healing, because these feelings do not back into a dead end, but open up into the expansiveness lightness of our final home, which is Heaven. The festering scabs of shame are bound and treated with the balm of mercy. 

"Instead of your shame there shall be a double portion; instead of dishonor they shall rejoice in their lot; therefore in their land they shall possess a double portion; they shall have everlasting joy" (Is 61:7)

Number and kind (but don't go down rabbit holes)

The Church teaches that mortal sin must be confessed "number and kind;" essentially, what and how many times. This can potentially be overwhelming to enumerate, but do your best to be accurate without getting worked up about it. A contrite heart the Lord will not spurn, but the emotions may or may not track with that depending on your personality--if you do not shed tears, that does not mean you are not contrite, and vice versa. Likewise, you don't need to go into great detail (unless the priest appropriately guides you to clarify something), but do so enough to take accountability for it and what is necessary and no more. Remember Mary Magdalene, whose love for the Lord was intensified because of her great sin which was forgiven. 

"And where sin abounded, grace did more abound" (Rom 5:20)

Neither embellish nor minimize

We are prone to self-deception; Confession is no exception. We should not make ourselves out to be a greater sinner than we are, nor try to minimize what we have done. There is no need to embellish, but one should be truthful. Sin should sear our conscience and cut us to the heart, not puff us up in a depraved pride at how bad we've been. We are putting on the "new man," not holding on to our old shell of sin. Metanoia--turning away from sin--is the proper posture of the penitent. Do not plan to go back to the pigsty, like a dog to his vomit. 

"For the sake of your name, LORD, forgive my iniquity, though it is great" (Ps 25:11).

Trust in the mercy of God, and resolve to sin no more

When you have finished enumerating and confessing your sins (which may take some considerable time), you will be assigned a penance by the priest, perhaps (or perhaps not) given some counsel, and then will make an Act of Contrition before the words of absolution by the priest are spoken over you. "O My God, I am heartily sorry for having offended thee, and I detest all my sins because of thy just punishment. Most of all, because they offend Thee, my God, Who art all-good and deserving of all my love. I firmly resolve, with the help of Thy grace, to sin no more, and to avoid the near occasion of sin. Amen."

Should you be insincere at this point, and act in presumption that you will return straight away to earn the wages of death in sin (thinking "I can just confess again"), it is akin to one who eats and drinks condemnation upon himself in an unworthy Communion. You should resolve, to the best of your ability, to turn away from the life of sin and never look back. As Christians, we realize that we will fall again, sometimes splendidly so, and that Christ is always there waiting to welcome us back when we are contrite and sorrowful. But this is different from smug presumption, which is worthy of condemnation.  "A just man falls seven times and rises again" (Prov 24:16)

The words of absolution may move you to powerful emotion--the crushing weight of guilt bearing down on your conscience lifted once and for all by Christ--or it may not. But know, and trust in faith, that you are truly forgiven. For the priest acts in persona Christi, and has the authority given to him by Christ himself (through his Apostles) to bind and loose. He has cast your sins into the deepest ocean and plants a "no fishing" sign there. Go in peace....your sins have been forgiven.

"As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us" (Ps 103:12)

Penance and Restitution

You broke the window and the landowner has accepted your apology and forgiven you for your recklessness. But the window is still broken. Sin disrupts the fabric of society, introduces disorder into the world. We can never atone for sin on our own or by the blood of animals, but we can and should attempt to make restitution for those we have harmed by our sin when at all possible. Not only that, but for the baptized (who are not being washed clean of Original and personal sin for the first time) who have been forgiven, penance is our thanksgiving for that grace that we undertake in gratefulness. To the degree it costs us (in comfort, or satiety) in this life and brings us closer in conformity to Christ, it is to that degree that we seek to be free of our disordered attachments which puts something between us and Christ. We do our time here so we do not have to do it after death in Purgatory. Even small penances done hidden and in great love have merit. We do not "earn" our way into Heaven, and cannot atone for sin on our own. But penance is necessary in this life, to a greater or lesser degree according to our sins, if we want to conform ourselves to the selfless abandonment of the Christ we follow to Calvary.

"Agree with thine adversary quickly, whiles thou art in the way with him; lest at any time the adversary deliver thee to the judge, and the judge deliver thee to the officer, and thou be cast into prison. Verily I say unto thee, Thou shalt by no means come out thence, till thou hast paid the uttermost farthing" (Mt 5:25-26). 

One final note--the new penitent can sometimes feel fear and anxiety that he will die unconfessed if it is still some months away. I have to believe that a humble and contrite heart God will not spurn. And if he is motivated by perfect contrition and the earnest desire to confess sacramentally, even should he die before having the opportunity, that desire merits the Paradise St. Dismas was welcomed into. For God desires that none are lost, but that all should be brought to repentance. 

Keep my friend in your prayers. We were both ransomed from a heavy sentence.