Keep Your Focus

I sometimes have a vision, a kind of visual locution in meditation concerning the Holy Spirit.

I am sitting in a grove, or even sometimes a park bench. A white dove flutters in and lands near where I am seated. I don't move, am completely still. Even my breath--in, out, in out--is measured and my racing thoughts settle down to a clear, quiet whisper. 

The dove looks around, then inches slowly closer, ever closer until it is on the bench, then my knee--I cup my hands in my lap, and it cautiously inches in to make a home. I don't dare move, I hardly breathe. I am completely in the moment, this awareness of something special happening.

But then my mind flits and wanders. My motivation shifts from one of accepting this rare moment to possessing it. I think "wouldn't this make a cool shot?" and a brief thought of reaching for my phone pops in my head. Or I think, "wow, I must have some sanctity vibes going off." It's at those moments that the dove, previously docile and calm, gets spooked and is gone in a flash.

Lest this smack of any kind of 'mindfulness,' rest assured it applies to our life of faith as well. God abhors sin, and can not stand in its presence. But because Christ "became sin for us" (2 Cor 5:21), he can enmesh himself in the lives of sinners, though he knew no sin himself. This is the mystery of the incarnation, God subjecting himself to our human state, to enter into time and space and history to redeem us. 

But the 'wave-length' of the Holy Spirit is sometimes very subtle, very hard to tune into due to our concupiscence, our attachments, and our distracted nature. Even when we are in a state of grace and not steeped in mortal sin, we still have imperfections and venial attachments that makes it difficult for the dove of Peace to rest in our hands. The slightest vibration of sin, selfishness, and impure motivations can keep the environment for Him hostile to make a home. 

Take for example this snippet I wrote in "You Are Being Used":

"The same goes for Multi-Level Marketing (MLM) companies. I'll never forget my wife being approached by a friendly young woman our age at our former parish who wanted to "connect." We were new to the parish and were happy to make some friends; that is, until we realized she was connecting with us as part of her network to sell essential oils. 

The same thing happened to us when a man from my bible study invited my wife and I out to coffee with him and his wife. So friendly, took an interest in us, asked us questions about our faith and family. After the second meeting (which we had gotten a baby sitter for, and driven half an hour to meet them), I surmised from the vagueness of his talk about his "mentor" and "opportunities for growth" and "financial security," that something was off. It turned out to be an Amway pyramid-scheme pitch. I felt completely used, and foolish. 

The same thing happened again with another long time friend from college who was recently out of work and approached me with a similar "good opportunity" pitch. It took me a good while to forgive, though I should have been more understanding that he was more or less a victim, not a perpetrator."

I remember that innocent feeling in the second paragraph of thinking, "oh nice, someone wants to be friends," and then later my subtle feelings of unease creeping in when I realized this couple's intentions were not pure. I was attuned enough to feel like 'flight' was the correct response, as I always try to trust my gut and listen to that inner voice. 

I think sometimes the Holy Spirit responds in the same way, and we miss opportunities for grace when our motivations are not humble and pure, like that of Mary at the Annunciation. She is our model here. The Holy Spirit came upon her because of that home, that disposition, which had no guile, no pride and no ulterior motives or selfishness. 

I say this because so many people today have their focus on the church, the world, and their self-image that they often lose the grace of faith and instead are tempted to despair. Gaslighting can come from the Church (especially for victims of abuse), but it can also come from those same victims themselves who have been victimized and so hold in contempt the Church and anyone who remains Catholic. It is an unhealed wound that lashes out to find a home. It is a hard road to healing.

When we focus on the Church as the savior, or politics as our solution, or the reduction of suffering as the answer to our prayer, or for someone rather than ourselves to change, we must often admit that we have lost our focus. At these times, the nervous energy and signals of disquiet spook the Spirit from finding a home and resting in our laps. It is not easy to get to these contemplative states, and let's admit it, most of us only have rare moments of them in our entire lifetime. But this is the wavelength the saints spent the majority of their time--focused on Christ, aided by grace, docile to the Holy Spirit, humble in prayer. This is our model in real-time, just as Paul imitated Christ and Christ showed us the Father. Not to copy, but to guide. 

We are driven to distraction. "See, here is the Christ or there he is!" it says in scripture. This is how we act, both for divine saviors and the "devil under every rock." Meanwhile Christ is asleep on a pillow in the stern, and Peter sinks in the sea. 

Keep your focus not on the Church, but on Christ. Not on clerical martyrs, but on Mary. Not on your parish, but on individuals both inside and outside the walls. Not on programs or initiatives or bullet-point solutions, but on your prayer life. Not on your fear, but on your faith.

The yoke of Christ is easy, his burden light. The Holy Spirit rests where he finds faith and humility. If you find yourself unforgiving, unquiet of mind, pre-occupied with yourself or the opinion of others, or fearful of the state of the world...don't forget to check your focus.