The other night I found myself at a Celebrate Recovery (CR) meeting. A friend had advertised it, and for whatever reason that night when I saw it I said, "you know, I really need a meeting tonight."
I had only been to one or two CR meetings before. For those not familiar with it, it's a Christian (12) step program, whereas AA and NA are more secular in nature; it is also a bit broader in scope than AA/NA. So, someone struggling with co-dependency, or rage for example could attend these meetings.
Even after six months of abstinence from my drug of choice, every time I drive by my local bodega on the way home, I have to make a conscious choice not to pull over the car and drop a twenty on the counter. Some days are easier than others, and some days are harder. As long as I keep saying, "no," I'm okay.
The funny thing is, my life is infinitely better and more manageable clean and sober from this drug than on it. I have less anxiety overall, more control of my emotions, am healthier physically, financially better off, and have higher self-esteem. Given all of that, you would think I would never have the desire to return to what would make me less free, more anxious, less financially secure, more sick, and think less of myself. I mean, rationally speaking, wouldn't you think so?
And yet, that's not the case. I still have the desire to go back to the mud where I used to sit with the swine in bondage.
Addiction and sin are like two cousins; You can have somewhat innocuous addictions like your phone or caffeine...or you could be addicted to meth, alcohol, or Oxy. You might not consider your morning cup of tea or four hours a day of scrolling sinful, whereas someone providing sexual services for a hit of base is another story. The anatomy and DNA of these two cousins is very similar, and they can operate in similar slippery ways.
What prompts me to long for the fleshpots, is three-fold:
-We operate under faulty intelligence
-We minimize the threat
-We overestimate our own strength
Being fed false intelligence is one way in war to be thrown off by your enemy and a way for them to gain a tactical advantage. In terms of the longing for that which we have escaped from, it romanticizes the past, just as the Israelites did with their fleshpots in Egypt while glossing over the brutal realities of the situation which was endured. Part of it is the "devil you know" phenomenon as well--we'll often take comfort in an undesirable known than an uncomfortable unknown, even when the unknown is better for us.
And yet, the uncomfortable unknown is usually the currency God pays the disciple in. He doesn't always give us a read into the future, or what our next steps are beyond what we need to know, though he may provide some signal graces to coax us forward. Idolatry becomes a temptation when we are paralyzed by this fear of the unknown and long to control our destiny ourselves. The Jews took empty comfort in dead statues made of wood and gold that could not save, even when the Living God, the God of the Universe, had adopted them as His own. But it was because they thought it promised something it did not, and could not. They were operating under faulty intelligence.
Every time a nice day weather wise come about, I think "ah, wouldn't it be nice to sit out and have a smoke today?" And then the thought comes that even though I would be trading in all those positive life changes I have gained for a two minute stick of pleasure, I would be willing to do it because "I deserve it," or "it's okay" when I know better. Which brings me to the next point.
We also minimize the threat of that which had enslaved us. I often think "I can just have one" or "I can start clean tomorrow," knowing full well I can do this with other substances, but not this one in particular based on experience. No one has a gun to my head forcing me to buy a tin of dip or carton of cigarettes; those decisions comes from an active exercise of the will. But once we have stepped into that circle, our locus of control starts to erode pretty quickly. We start excusing ourselves and rationalizing our risky behaviors yet again.
When it comes to sexual integrity, St. Paul says there should not be even a hint of sexual immorality among you (Eph 5:3). It needs to be a zero-tolerance policy. Why? Part of it is practical--it is so much harder to overcome sexual sin when you keep reintroducing it in your life in little ways. It is better to cut out the root from the ground then keep lobbing off shoots with clippers each Spring.
When it comes to wandering into the rabid dog's circle of influence, we also tend to overestimate our own strength not to get bit. As it says in scripture, "Lean not on your own understanding" but trust in the Lord with all your heart (Prov 3:5). A man operating under his own strength and sense of direction in the moral life is doomed. But "In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths" (Prov 3:6). Again, in the context of sexual temptation, we are not to hold firm, but FLEE (1 Cor 6:18). Fleeing makes you look like a coward in the worldly sense, but this is your only hope with regards to this sin.
One thing we really need to admit is that sin can only make itself attractive (in order to induce desire) by way of falsehood and deception. That may be through the faculty of memory in the mind (or the body), through lies and suggestion, or by "honey-traps" planted by the Enemy. We must be on guard against all of these tactics, and know our adversary, who prowls about like a roaring lion seeking to devour us (1 Pt 5:8). We must pray for the grace of wisdom to see past these deceptions.
One interesting thing about St. Augustine and why he struggled with the nature of sexual temptation was because the desire (which is good) is not subject to reason. That is, our carnal appetite, even expressed bodily (involuntary erections, arousal, etc) has a way of being so powerful by nature that it can short-circuit our rational faculties and supersede them. Addiction can be powerful like this in way as well, sin that makes us "do that which we do not really want to do" (Rom 7:15) Who can understand this mystery? Why do we do that which we do not really want to do (when we admit the law is good)? Concupiscence, the nature of the Fall, our human weakness, God's grace, and the intersection of our will with His, is not easy to sort out.
Better than my analysis on the anatomy of temptation, though, is to read and meditate on the Letter of St. James yourself. It's only four chapters, but is a dense manual for how sin deceives, how it is repopulated, and what it brings into the world. Here is a teaser, but read the whole letter yourself. Consider yourself forewarned that the Devil never sleeps, and will not spare any person, place, or thing to take you down and steal your soul. Have no fear, though...Christ your Savior has overcome the world, and will be your advocate to stand firm to the end!
"Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him" (Ja 1:12)
"Let no one say when he is tempted, 'I am being tempted by God,' for God cannot be tempted with evil, and he himself tempts no one." (Ja 1:13)
"But each man is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire" (Ja 1:14)
"Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death" (Ja 1:15)
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