Divorce Is Short-Sighted Suicide

I met with a buddy who is going through a divorce the other day for a few beers at the riverfront. He is not a Christian, nor is his wife, but he is a good friend. It's a typical story--his wife was not "happy" and sought happiness in the arms of someone else, probably as a sabotage "out"--and the divorce proceedings are pretty typical as well: mediation, division of assets, custody arrangement, etc. He was blindsighted and gutted at first, but is now accepting, dating and trying to get his finances in order, find a place to live, etc. I had given him a copy of my friend Leila's Impossible Marriages Redeemed about the story of people who have been through similar circumstances, but with the help of grace stood on their vows. It didn't make a difference in the end, as I expected. Most people who have decided on ending their marriages have their minds made up. 

As Christians, we should love what the Lord loves, and hate what He hates. And God hates divorce.

“For I hate divorce,” says the Lord, the God of Israel, “and him who covers his garment with violence,” says the Lord of armies. “So be careful about your spirit, that you do not deal treacherously.” (Mal 2:16)

Divorce is violent. It may not seem like it in otherwise "amicable" parting of ways. But you can't tear asunder what was seared together without violence.

Jesus tells the Jews, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning" (Mt 19:8). His disciples are taken aback, and reply “If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry" (Mt 19:10). 

Which is exactly what many Millenials are doing today. 

While it is true that the U.S. divorce rate has dropped eighteen percent from 2008 to 2016, Millenials co-habitating rather than tying the knot has contributed to this. The shocking fact is that the rate of divorce has more than doubled for people over 50 since 1990. These are people who should be entering the "golden years" of their lives and growing old together, but instead are abadonding their vows and inducing a surge in the rate of so-called "gray divorce."

One might think it admirable that divorcing after the kids a grown is a merciful act of love for children, but as my friend Leila also details in her previous book, Primal Loss: The Now-Adult Children of Divorce Speak, it's anything but. Adult children are as much if not more blindsided and affected by this betrayal. The pain and adverse effects are very real, but often pushed down and suppressed. It's "supposed" to be ok. It's supposed to be normal. 

But it's not. What's normal is making vows, staying true to them til death, and working through the crap life throws at you together, not abandoning ship. That's what vows are for--otherwise they are meaningless. There may be circumstances in which staying married may not be possible, but in many situations divorce, like contraception and abortion, is the tempting "out" based in convenience, not threats to life or well-being.

There are the spiritual elements of divorce--especially when one chooses to remarry and enter into adulterous relationships rather than remain divorce and remarried. But marriage is not a wholly spiritual affair. There are pragmatic considerations in getting married, and pragmatic considerations in getting divorced. One of which is financial. 

It shouldn't be underestimated, either. In these so-called "gray divorces," wealth drops by around 50%, and the standard of living for women plunges 45%. U.S. women 63 and older who went through a gray divorce have a poverty rate of 27%, more than any other group at that age, including widows, and nine times the rate of couples who stay married (3%). Not to mention the effects on health, depression, and the increased risk of suicide.   

Divorce is short-sighted, because, like suicide, we only see the pain and hardships we are in in the moment and can't see out. When presented with an "out" like taking one's life or ending one's marriage, most people will take it if anything to alleviate their short-term pain and feelings of being trapped. Our society is not comfortable with suffering. Maybe we should not hand someone a gun when they say they are feeling hopeless. 

No-fault divorce is this gun. Like drugs, it is a scourge on our society. It does not inspire virtue, does not teach delayed-gratification, does not inspire selflessness or endurance. Also like drugs, it is presented as a way to alleviate one's pain. But it only presents more problems, more unhappiness, and more sense of loss in the end.