How To Make Enemies and Alienate People

 I've been getting bits and bobs of the news of Twitter's takeover by Elon Musk. I'm not sure if Musk has a master plan behind this acquisition, but so far it looks like a bit of a financial disaster: mass layoffs, resignations, and ultimatums are gutting the labor force of the company and closing virtually all the offices. Backrupcy seems a real possibility.(Truth be told, though, if Musk's plan all along was to buy and bury Twitter, it may be money well spent if it rids us of this toxic platform by way of the nuclear option!) And of course he can afford a $44B lemon if Twitter ends up going belly-up. 

Musk is a next-level genius on a lot of levels, with an equally insane work ethic. Maybe this is why he has MAGA leanings: Trump himself is in many ways a master manipulator and has an indefatigable work ethic. Comedian Dave Chappelle (a comedic genius in his own right, imo) in his recent SNL monologue illustrated the way Trump controlled the 2016 debate and exploited the weaknesses of his "enemies" in brute fashion:  

"A lot of you don't understand why Trump was so popular but I get it because I hear it every day. He's very loved. And the reason he's loved is because people in Ohio have never seen somebody like him. He's what I call an honest liar. And I'm not joking right now, he's an honest liar. That first debate, I've never seen anything like it. I've never seen a white male billionaire screaming at the top of his lungs, 'This whole system is rigged,' he said. And across the stage was white woman Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama sitting there looking at him like, 'No it's not.'

I said, 'Now wait a minute bro, it's what he said.' And the moderator said, 'Well Mr. Trump if, in fact, the system is rigged as you suggest, what would be your evidence?' Remember what he said, bro? He said, 'I know the system is rigged because I use it.' I said "G*ddamn." And then he pulled out an Illuminati membership card, chopped a line of cocaine up in it and [mimics sniffing].

No one ever heard someone say something so true and then Hillary Clinton tried to punch him in the taxes. She said, 'This man doesn't pay his taxes,' he said, 'That makes me smart.' And then he said, 'If you want me to pay my taxes, then change the tax code. But I know you won't because your friends and your donors enjoy the same tax breaks that I do.' And with that, my friends, a star was born. No one had ever seen anything like that. No one had ever seen somebody come from inside of that house outside and tell all the commoners we are doing everything that you think we are doing inside of that house. And he just went right back in the house and started playing the game again."

Does Trump have "people skills?" Well, yes and no. He has a way of pre-emptively denigrating those he doesn't like with nicknames, for one ( "Low Energy Jeb," "Crooked Hilary," etc), the way an old-school advertising exec would employ jingles in commercials. I would imagine that those who worked with or for him would find him difficult to work for; I would not imagine he has many close friends. 

The strengths of Musk, in contrast, seem to lie in the engineering and 'outside the box' big picture thinking that doesn't accept conventional limitations. He thinks big, aims big, and is not afraid to fail. For both men, capitalism suits their personal proclivities well and gives them an economic arena in which to push boundaries and make things happen. The only thing is, sometimes you need other people to help you make those things happen once the ideas have been actualized. 

Musk's genius (some have speculated he may be borderline Aspergers's or autistic) seems to come at the expense of inter-personal people skills, emotional quotidient, and empathetic awareness. His Twitter house-cleaning seems to align with this "I'm not here to make friends" approach. Despite his genius, human relationships are not his forte. In this sense, he seems to be lacking qualities that could in fact make him a great leader were he able to employ them.

A number of years ago, I read Dale Carnegie's How To Win Friends and Influence People, and just recently checked it out from the library to re-read. The book itself was written close to a hundred years ago and is kind of dated, but the principles are sound. The chapters and principals can be summarized as follows:

Techniques in Handling People

-Don’t criticize, condemn or complain.

-Give honest and sincere appreciation.

-Arouse in the other person an eager want.

Six ways to Make People Like You

-Become genuinely interested in other people.

-Smile.

-Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.

-Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.

-Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.

-Make the other person feel important – and do it sincerely.

Win People to Your Way of Thinking

-The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.

-Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, “You’re wrong.”

-If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.

-Begin in a friendly way.

-Get the other person saying “yes, yes” immediately.

-Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.

-Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.

-Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.

-Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires.

-Appeal to the nobler motives.

-Dramatize your ideas.

-Throw down a challenge.

Be a Leader: How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment

-Begin with praise and honest appreciation.

-Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.

-Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.

-Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.

-Let the other person save face.

-Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.”

-Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.

-Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.

-Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.

Carnegie noted that the most effective leaders (and those who were paid the most) in the field of engineering were not those who knew the most about engineering, but those who possessed the aforementioned skills--the ability to express ideas, assume leadership, and arouse enthusiasm among people. "The ability to deal with people is as purchasable a commodity as sugar or coffee," said John D. Rockefeller, "and I will pay more for that ability than for any other under the sun." (xvii). 

Are these skills innate, endowed at birth? I don't think so. They may come more naturally to one person than another, but unlike rocket science (which someone like Musk may have knowledge in), these are skills that are easily learned if one applies themselves to it. 

When my wife and I were on our marriage retreat a couple weeks ago, I was reminded of the power of these skills with the "5 Love Languages." We had both been familiar with this inventory for a number of years, but it was good to revisit this idea that it doesnt matter how you feel loved--if you attempt to show love to your spouse in the way you receive it, while neglecting the way they receive it, you will encounter conflict and difficulty. 

But intentionally re-imagine that willfull act of loving another in the way they wish to be loved, communicated in a way in which they are able to most fully receive it, and it can be transformative. The combination of the "hard skills" of technical engineering with the "soft" people skills necessary to execute the vision has the potential to create effective leaders that are both innovative and empathetic. And yet it is so rare!

Musk, Trump, Chappelle...they are masters of their craft. I can't speak for Mr. Chappelle on this point, but at least for Musk and Trump, they have some huge (and expensive) blind spots, an untapped potential to be truly effective and empathetic leaders were they to divert some of their time cultivating these "soft skills" that to them may seem worthless or besides the point. To be trite, you catch more flies with honey than vinegar. 

We could even translate this principle to creating an unstoppable force for renewal in the Church: Tradition and Charity. The two are not opposed, but complement each other and fill in the gaps in evangelization.  Even church secretaries--those gatekeepers that can set the tone for a church and/or turn people away in disgust and exasperbation--can benefit from cultivating more people-centric skillsets. 

Ultimately at the end of the day, people are ransomed for Christ by the grace of the Holy Spirit; we don't save people ourselves, we simply extend the rope and invite them into the liferaft with us. God does the heavy lifting. We are not PR or marketing execs, but disciples of Jesus Christ who live by witness. That said, if you want to make friends (of the Cross) and influence people (to win them to Christ), devote as much time to how you deliver the message of the Gospel as you do to the Gospel itself; or to use engineering terms, "optimize charity" in the language in which it can be best received.