Mea Culpa, Mea Culpa, Mea Maxima Culpa

 "Keep falsehood and lies far from me" 

(Prov 30:8)

One reason I have such an aversion to politicians is that they rarely, if ever, admit when they are wrong about anything. Often, it's the opposite: they will obfuscate, deflect, gaslight, or simply doubledown rather than admit fault. Truly loathsome behavior that is all too common.But that's the game, and, as Omar Little from The Wire famously said, "the game is the game." And the game is only as good as its rules. 

On the flipside, for those who are wrong on a matter, even when they were well intentioned but have been proven to be incorrect on a matter and have the humility to admit it...that's admirable.

I've seen this in the liturgical world. Old-school theologians like Dr. Janet Smith and Dr. Scott Hahn--people of formidable intellect, good will, and integrity--who had built their careers on a post-conciliar foundation, have begun attending the Latin Mass and have shifted gears on the "reform of the reform." Part of this "Emmaus moment" in light of new "data" (or "fruit", if you want to speak theologically) that may not have been available twenty years ago when the New Mass was the only item on the menu for them. On the flipside, you have popesplaining sites like Where Peter Is and those who will seemingly go to their grave defending the Council doubling down with shoddy attempts to prop it up.

In the scientific world, Dr. John Campbell is one of those people willing to pivot in light of new evidence. A retired British Nurse Educator who holds a PhD in Nursing, he has been posting videos on his Youtube channel that took an evidence-based approach to the COVID pandemic for the past couple years. Like a good evidence-based educator, he tries to disseminate data for the everyday person in as unbiased a matter as possible. I don't know anything about him personally, and have only viewed a few of this videos over past two years when they pop up in my Youtube feed, but I get the impression he is someone trying to use his educational knowledge for the benefit of others, with good intentions. 

While Dr. Campbell was an initial proponent of COVID19 vaccination, and used the supporting data at the time to try to interpret transmission and spread of the virus, in his latest video he admitted, "I feel naive for not questioning them (the medical establishment) more. If science isn't about truth, it's about diddly squat."

He mentions that what he previously discounted (those who were labeled as "conspiracy theorists") now seems to have merit in light of the evidence, and that he felt let down by the peer-reviewed literature and somewhat "sickened" when realizing that the trust he had placed in the medical establishment and the scientific community was misplaced."I conveyed to you at the time information [on viral origins] I was getting from the scientific literature. And it turns out now that this is not as analytical as it would like to be. And I'd like to apologize for getting it wrong." Keep in mind this is just an ordinary, unfunded retired PhD doing this because he wants to know the truth about this virus. But I think he is now realizing, like many of us are, that the truth of the matter goes much deeper and darker than we initially thought.

I'm consistently late to the party, and usually wake up to the truth of things at least ten steps behind most of those I associate with. I think this is in part because I surround myself with good, astute, and honest people (who, nonetheless, are flawed and have blinds spots like anyone else). COVID was no exception in this case. And so, if you'll allow me the liberty, I'd like to take a cue from Dr. Campbell and clarify a few things on that matter that I've written on this blog, and attempt to make amends as needed. There are some things I stand by, and some that, in light of conscience and new "evidence", I would like to concede. 

First, a bit of background: in 2020, my father in law was suffering from kidney failure and on dialysis, with my wife (who is an ER nurse working part time) as his main caregiver. When the vaccine was rolled out, we felt we had sufficient reasons to consider it given her father and that she herself was working on the COVID ward during the height of the pandemic. I wrestled with the issue, having reservations about its novelty but also knowing that we were not sensitive to vaccines (vaccine injury) or opposed to vaccination in general. Theologically, my views alligned most with that of philosopher Edward Feser: I felt vaccine mandates were unjust, unwaranted, and immoral, but that one could in good conscience take the vaccine if they desired to. This is because that authority to determine what is moral rests with the Magisterium, and She has already spoken in her rightful authority. I openly opposed any purports to the contrary, even by high-profile and zealous clergy, that one was culpable of sin for vaccinating. That judgment is not theirs to make. I stand by that.

On other matters, such as masking, I was somewhat neutral. Did they help 'slow the spread'? Sure, then go ahead and wear a mask. What if they didn't? Then don't wear one. Of course I had many friends who dug their heels in when it came to mandatory masking in hospitals or schools, and refused to ever don one. I took the 1 Cor 8 approach. I wasn't pro-mask or anti-mask, pro-vaccine or anti-vaccine; what I was against was Catholics conflating these things with a Catholic moral identity.  I.e., if you chose to wear a mask or get "jabbed," you were less of a Catholic; or that by not wearing a mask or not getting vaccinated you were more of a Catholic, more virtuous. In my mind, these were ancillary and not directly moral issues, but the conflation (similar to the way we can conflate nationalism with moral virtue) was all around me. I stand by that.

As mandates loomed larger, I felt a degree of shame that I was "off the hook" in choosing to vaccinate while many of my friends were being treated like social and professional lepers for holding their ground (though to note, neither my wife nor I have gotten any boosters since our initial shots two years ago, and we have no intention of (COVID) vaccinating our kids). I admitted in "Nowhere Near the Man I Thought I Was" that,

"I know for a lot of guys I know, they will be facing some hard decisions of being put to their own personal test with regards to vaccine mandates and their jobs in the ensuing months. Though I'm reticent to attach an objective religious or spiritual dimension to these decisions myself, for the individuals facing these difficult situations in conscience, that may be the case for them. They may find themselves saying "I will never get the jab" and staring down the barrel of a proverbial gun as a result. They will either have to face the consequences of these decisions, or perhaps be delivered from them. [When Fr. Walter Ciszek was broken by the KGB, he recalled]:

'I had asked for God’s help but had really believed in my ability to avoid evil and to meet every challenge. . . . I had been thanking God all the while that I was not like the rest of men. . . . I had relied almost completely on myself in this most critical test—and I had failed.'

In light of this...well, let's just call it what it is: an admiral stubborn refusal to bend--I myself felt like "a worm, and not a man." In fact, it was that line from Psalm 22:6 that I was meditating on this morning in prayer that got me thinking about this issue of shame and regret at being wrong about something. It was my friends, however, the ones who saw the truth of what was occurring during this pandemic from the start, even when they were called right-wing nut jobs and conspiracy theorists, that held fast because they were more perceptive than I was--that something wasn't adding up. Their treatment?

"Scorned by everyone, despised by the people.

All who see me mock me;

    they hurl insults, shaking their heads." 

(Ps 22:6-7)

Watching Mr. Campbell--who has millions of subscribers to his channel--realize over the past six months or so that things weren't adding up as to the origins of this virus, the cover ups, the lies and obscurfication, the gaslighting that he had indevertently led some people astray has forced me to re-examine my own presuppositions about my trust in authority--both of the government, the medical establishment, and the Church--and wonder if I too were too trusting, too naive, and too unquestioning. I myself had thrown around the term "conspiracy theorist" about those who took what I saw as a more 'extreme" approach to questioning what we were being fed, perhaps to assuage my own insecurity at having made what I now regard as a wrong decision (that is, to vaccinate). Yes, yes, I made the best decision I could given my circumstances with the information I had at the time. I am not wallowing in guilt or scruples. Though I have suffered no ill effects, that's not to say it can't happen down the road. I am ready to die, though I will have to answer for every idle word at my particular judgment. For that, I would beg your prayers and God's mercy.

It seems that perhaps many of my friends and those in our circle will be vindicated on this issue--of maintaining the lab leak theory, among others. If they were right about that, what else might they be right about? And, conversely, if Fauci and those in our government and the medical and "public health" establishment lied about that, what else are they lying about? If we can't trust the people and institutions we should be able to trust, where does that leave us?

Yet you are enthroned as the Holy One;

    you are the one Israel praises.

In you our ancestors put their trust;

    they trusted and you delivered them.

To you they cried out and were saved;

    in you they trusted and were not put to shame.

(Ps 22:3-5)

So, to those I may have too blythly discounted or labeled...I'm sorry. You may have just been seeing more clearly than the rest of us, both a gift and a burden. Like I said, I'm always late to the party...but I do show up eventually. I'm still learning, still sifting, still trying. And while our government, bought establishments, and even the Church herself have undermined our trust and confidence by their cover ups and deceptiveness, we as Christians will continue to trust in the Lord God to reveal all the hidden things, when the time is right. For "even in darkness I cannot hide from you. To you the night shines as bright as day. Darkness and light are the same to you." (Ps 139:12)

"Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy." (Prov 28:13)