Marriage: A Life Sentence

 It is strange that we have forgotten in the modern era that the very nature of marriage, it's essence, is that is is meant for life. Marriage is a primordial good. It is contractual from a civil standpoint, but from a sacramental standpoint, it is more than that; it is a covenant. Modern man tends to think today that, like other obligations, marriage should be temporal with built in exit-clauses when his sensibilities are violated. But this is not marriage. Sacramental marriage is a lifelong commitment, and as such is indissoluble.  

And yet for many younger people approaching the dawn of marrying age, a large percentage of whom have come from divorced parents, the concept of marrying and being with the same person for forty, fifty, sixty years seems like the stuff of fantasy. Impossible. Much like the attainment of sainthood. 

Christ elevated matrimony to the dignity of a sacrament--an outward sign, instituted by Christ, to confer grace. This sacrament bestows upon the spouses the grace necessary to attain holiness and to accept the gift of children. Married people work out their salvation in fear and trembling in their respective state of life--that is, the married state.

By virtue of the sacrament, they are given everything they need to remain married til death and attain the crown of sanctity in the next life. Marriage is their proving ground where the faculty of the will is ground down and exercised every day, sometimes through clenched teeth. It is the school in which Christian spouses learn how to carry out their vocation, which is to love. 

The tenuous prospect for many people is how to trust and put their faith in someone else with the future. Will they be betrayed? Will they leave? Will they be faithful? How can they trust them with their finances, their future, their heart? This can be especially hard for people with control issues who are used to being in charge of their own lives. It does require faith--not just faith in God, who provides the grace, but faith in the vows, faith in the person you are pledging your fidelity to. You can't hold tight to your own life while entering into a life with someone else. You have to loosen your grip enough to be able to trust, because trust is the incubator for love.

Lifelong love and fidelity does not have to be an unrealistic fairy tale. What helps is seeing it lived out by others, that is, the Church. No marriage is perfect; all marriages are full of human defects and minor (and sometimes major) betrayals, selfishness, coldness. 

But what do the fruit of such marriages--the children--see when they look up for reassurance? If they see the rootedness of permanence, that each parent will stick it out through thick and thin and honor their vows, it goes a long way. Children desperately want to believe in lifelong fidelity and commitment, but have been fed by way of example and denigrated language that this is a fantasy. 

Faith in the ability for a man and woman to honor their vows is no more a fantasy then remaining steadfast on the Cross as Jesus did. It is no more a fantasy than faith in God, which transcends cold, logical reasoning. Lifelong fidelity is possible without a marriage being sacramental, much in the same way we can know God to an extent by the light of human reason. But the sacramental grace necessary to endure during the inevitable trials of marriage is indispensable, the way oil is needed for an engine to go hundreds of thousands of miles. 

Part of the downfall of modern man is the built in escape clauses he accepts--if one does not want children, go on the Pill. If one does not have the money for something, put it on credit. If one does not feel like attending Mass, he is not obligated. And if the luster of a marriage has worn off, there is always divorce to offer a way out. 

Nothing of worth is gained without endurance, and merit is never gained apart from grace. "Marriage is a dual to the death, which no man of honor should decline," as Chesterton said. Christ is faithful to his children--we, likewise, are called to be faithful to our spouses and our vows, and exercise our gritty will to actualize it. In his love and desire to see us endure to death, He will give us the grace to do so. And no man of honor should decline it.