The Proverbs 31 Conundrum

When we went to see A Hidden Life after it came out in the theaters, my wife said afterwards, "I feel like a wuss." She was referring to being 'soft' as a wife, seeing how hard Bl. Franz's wife Franziska's worked as part of their daily life as farm laborers. It seemed like every scene she was doing some kind of manual labor, working, being resourceful, often alongside her husband. Life was work. Leisure was an anomaly. 

Of course this was one hundred years ago in rural Austria. Franziska seemed to exemplify the Proverbs 31 wife, the "wife of noble character."

"She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her family. She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard. She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for the task. She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night. She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. (Prov 31:15-18, 27)

In the scripture, none of this is for show only. The wife of noble character increases the bottom line of her family in tangible ways. She lets no moment waste--she is strong, resourceful, smart, profitable. 

Today, in 21st century America, I think our women are trying to figure out what it means to be a Proverbs 31 wife. Some weren't taught how to cook, and are learning. FemCatholics have adopted the sentiment to say it's okay to work. Traditional Catholic wives wear their aprons and tend to the children as their husband heads off to work. Some wives try to start some kind of home business selling essential oils or LuLuRoe or other multi-level marketing schemes (which exploit the vulnerabilities of homemakers) so they can contribute, or start a little garden to "feed their family." 

I know some women who married young and their identity is being a mom. They tend to their households and take pride in their roles but have no tangible skills that are employable in the workforce aside from minimum-wage unskilled work (retail, etc). 

We live in the tech-era, no longer an agrarian society. Anyone can cut wheat or milk cows, but how many families live in such a way today? Should a traditional wife even want to help her family financially, she finds herself stymied of how to actually do so. It's not for lack of desire.

I had an interesting conversation with a friend from India who works in supply-chain management, who told me recently in a conversation,

"Indians are conservative in morals and values (most dress modestly, have strong faith irrespective of the religion they practice, we look after our parents til they die in our homes), but believe in the value of work and independence. To be on your own feet."

When I asked her why that was, she replied,

"I think it's because we do not have Government handouts. No one will look after you if you don't look after yourself."

It's different for sure, I replied. Women working in the U.S. here has probably led to greater divorce, since they are no longer 'dependent' on their husbands.

"Ah yes," she replied. "The difference with us is, the money earned by the wife is still managed by the husband. He is still the leader of the family--currently India is like this. The husband makes the financial decisions most of the time. 

"There is a lot of wisdom in how we Indians have navigated the women contributing financially to the family. But with the onset of U.S. influence (TV shows, primarily) we are seeing an erosion of our values. 

"The working wife usually has her inlaws living in the same house. Usually, the mother in law (who would have retired from her own job) would help the daughter in law with the chores of the house and the grandkids when the wife has to go to work."

It was an interesting perspective outside my own culture as an American. Two main differences I saw--the lack of a societal safety net, and the commonness of multiple-family living in India. This is not common in American households today. Women are obviously in a bind--they can't necessarily work in an agrarian sense, and to leave the house to work often necessitates daycare, a difficult proposition. Some may live in areas where they have little family or community support, contributing to feelings of isolation. It would seem we don't live in a culture anymore that makes it very easy to live in a way more conducive to family life. I know my Distributist friends have been cognizant of this, and also critical of the breakdown of this possibility of family life where all worked together, as a result of Industrialization. 

It's a scary prospect, for a wife who has no real skills aside from homemaking, should something happen to her husband. It would imagine for such families it would make sense to have at least a $1M life insurance policy should anything happen to the husband so she does not have to work. 

Before anybody jumps down my throat, we all know wives who tend the home work the equivalent of 2-3 full time jobs. Their husbands often have it easier (in some ways) by going off to an office or whatever all day. 

I think the tech-heavy society we live in today makes it difficult for unskilled workers to eek out a living; many wives may be reticent to admit that their home lives are afforded by their husbands being successful members of this tech-class, and many working-outside-the-home wives may be reticent to admit that it is not an idea situation for homelife without the additional support of a live-in family member, as my friend in India noted. Perhaps the Proverbs 31 wife of noble character is a pragmatic composite portrait of the "ideal wife" and that no one woman would possess all these qualities. 

What then makes a Proverbs 31 wife? Is it unrealistic? Does it place unrealistic expectations on women as an unobtainable ideal? What does "work" look like for a 21st century American Christian wife and mother look like today? How does/can she contribute to her family so that her husband "has full confidence in her?"