A Check Up And Check In

Dear Friends,

I don't know about you, but I'm tired of COVID. I'm tired of debates about masks and vaccines, about government overreach and new world orders. I'm tired of news, of scandal after scandal. I'm tired of anything coming out of the Vatican. I'm tired of politics as usual. I'm tired of talking heads, of self-appointed 'experts,' I'm tired of podcasts, and I'm tired of not trusting anyone. I'm tired of division, of lack of civility, of tribal group-think, of the lack of creativity and critical thinking and open mindedness, of pride and hubris, of cancel culture and the death of humor and good will. I'm tired on a lot of fronts.

When I get in this head space--a kind of Kafkaesque existential paralysis and wearied nauseum--it is incredibly hard to write. With over five hundred posts on this blog, I feel like so much has already been said, and if not by me, then by someone else.

Since we are total slackers, we didn't do Christmas cards this year, but we received a ton and always enjoy getting them. Some came with 'family update' letters and so I thought as something a little different that I could take the time here to do a multi-level "update" for you, and personal/categorical inventory checkup for me.

Mental/Emotional

The time period between Christmas and Easter has always historically been a hard one for me, and this year is no exception. My wife notices it and remarks that I consistently struggle during this " vast no mans land" season year after year. I imagine it is a combination of lack of sunlight, lack of motivation, lack of things to look forward to. My affect drops and a kind of emotional listlessness sets in for these months. 

I mentioned in passing to one of the guys in my men's group that I happened to be bi-polar (type 1) and he was like, "wait, what?" He thought I was joking, couldn't believe it. Even for myself, I often forget, having been spared any major episodes of mania or major depression for over a decade, that it's something I live with. I'm sensitive to certain stimuli that trigger 'fight or flight' responses, and get in some normal funks from time to time, but nothing that can't be managed. It's like being in remission, I suppose, from a kind of mental cancer. But being in a state of grace and squashing various addictions, as well as minimizing self-induced stress where I can, has helped level out the extremes in moods and stymied the self-destructive tendencies. 

I had to be a self-advocate for myself years ago to convince my psychiatrist to titrate me down on my medications and reduce the number of medications I was on. At one point, I was on seven different psychotropic medications, with various degrees of side effects. Over the course of a year, under supervision, I weaned off one by one, until now I am only on one, with little to no noticeable side effects. I'm hesitant to go off that one, as I don't see it worth the risk given how much I have at stake. 

For a long time, I found an identity in my illness, much the way victims hold on to their victimhood to define themselves. It made me "special" and gave me a label I could pull out when I was acting like an asshole or headcase. As time went on, thankfully, it became just something I stopped glamorizing and instead was just aware of and managed; I didn't think too much about on a daily basis. I'd consider it a chronic condition, one that I have to be mindful of but that doesn't play a major role in my life. Thanks be to God, for their was much to be delivered and healed from.

Physical

I'll be forty-two in a month and a half; I'm probably at the age where I should be getting regular check-ups at my primary. My lower back has been giving me problems--I imagine those lubricating discs there are just drying out over time; I feel it especially when I kneel (which is a lot at the TLM). I don't see what I can do about it except live with the dull ache and pain of it.  I've cut my caffeine consumption in half, and have been sleeping well at night. I have been trying to exercise 1-2 times a week, either swimming at the Y or going for a run for a couple miles outside in the woods. I think Lent will be a good chance to fast more often (I'm praying about undertaking the standard fast every day of Lent, except Sundays). My blood pressure is normal, cholesterol normal, I'm probably five or ten pounds overweight but nothing major except for the dad-bod pouch. One thing I've noticed in my forties is that muscle mass really breaks down, and fat crowds in. You have to work that much harder to keep in shape. And I just haven't.

  

Marital

My wife and I will be married for twelve years this July. Things are good. We are not at the point when we are finishing each other's sentences but I can tell when she is mad by the way she closes a drawer, that kind of thing. It's neat. I'm looking forward to growing old with her; I lucked out. I trust my wife one hundred percent, and I think she feels the same about me, and that goes a long way. The worst day being married is still easier I think than being single. 

Social

This is probably the area I have been giving the most thought to lately. What does it mean to be a social animal? What is friendship, and what is it based on? Why don't friendships last? Why do we act the way we do, and how do the people in our sphere influence us in our decision making? Do I need a tribe to survive? 

I am an 'ambi-vert', an introvert with extroverted tendencies. I need people, while simultaneously feeling shame for not being able to be socially autonomous. I have also been working remotely for the past month, and it is starting to feel like groundhog day in my house. 

Financial

I am thankful I don't mind my job, and hope to be there til I retire. That's the plan, we'll see how it plays out, but there are incentives to stay. Although we don't have a strict budget, we just make sure more is coming in than going out. I have stopped flipping furniture on Craigslist, and also not getting reimbursed for work travel mileage anymore, so we've had to be a little more careful about watching our spending, since I don't have much potential to make more money. We are good at living within our means. We have been frontloading our retirement accounts, which is good, but leaves us breaking even on non-retirement savings. We also have not been giving as much this past year, apart from our parish and St. Vincent de Paul and a couple charities. Usually we earmark funds for people in need that we may know, but nothing has really come up this year. We are not doing any house projects or maintenance, so no major expenses there. The kids are getting braces though, so I had to earmark a few thousand dollars in my FSA for that. My wife continues to work four overnight shifts a month at the hospital, which is manageable for her and not overly taxing. 

Family

I can't imagine my life without my family. Our three children are now 10, 9 (almost), and 4. Homeschooling has been a blessing, and we have had a lot of time together with me working from home two days a week. Our oldest is quite the thespian, going on his fourth theater production (currently Julius Caesar), and playing basketball in our local youth league. Our daughter is becoming a beautiful young lady, very crafty with a good deal of quirkiness as well. She is a math wiz. The youngest has become my little buddy--we've been hanging out a lot lately, and I'm growing on him as his dad. I've been watching the kids more as my wife spends more time with my father in law.

Watching my wife care for her dying father has been humbling; she is very selfless, and realizes the gift of each day with him, even if she is cleaning him up after an accident or making sure he is comfortable sleeping. This is everyday sanctity. Having three siblings to share the task with is also a blessing. 

Spiritual

I saved the spiritual inventory for last, because the last shall be first as scripture says. It's, of course, always my primary preoccupation. But it's also the roughest road lately. For the first time in my twenty five years as a Catholic, little clouds of doubt have been drifting into my mind, things like "what is all this for?" and "what am I supposed to be doing?" I find myself, in contrast to years past, not really stepping out in faith intentionally. I'm not sure if it's because I'm just rationalizing that working and family life is "my way of serving the Lord." There's nothing extraordinary about that. Can a man become a saint in this way? By the every day? What about "heroic virtue?" I'm in a comfortable, static kind of space--doing all the right things, being in a state of grace, praying regularly, but plateauing. I find myself without fire, without consolation, and kind of in autopilot. Nothing is pulling me one way or another. I feel in some ways I have not given myself fully to the Lord; there's a kind of rationalization that my current state of life is enough. What if He wants more from me, though?

I also find this plateauing related to both a lack of drive/zeal and also a lack of guidance in spiritual matters. A friend at the Avila Institute is arranging for me to have a consult with a priest in a kind of abridged/non contractual spiritual direction. I'm hoping this may be cue me in on things to be aware of. But ongoing, my options are limited.

I think if I committed to an hour of mental prayer a day at least (instead of my sporadic and unpredictable periods of mental prayer and standard rosary), maybe I would have a better idea of what I'm supposed to be doing. I can dick around on internet and lay on the couch for hours, but I can't carve out an hour a day for prayer? Come on. I've really cut a lot out of my life in terms of activities, projects, distractions, etc; so it's not like I have a lack of time for it. 

I don't even know what religious pundits to 'follow' anymore. I watch random stuff on Youtube, but find everything so over-saturated that nothing feels really meaningful anymore. The only thing novel, really, is silence. And silence (and, by extension, a degree of boredom) is difficult to sit with. So I default into commentary, content consumption, digital distraction, etc because, well, silence is deafening and boredom insufferable. My light is dimming down; I'm finding it harder to be a cheerleader (or at least an evangelist) for the Church as a whole, and I don't regularly encounter people open to it either. But maybe I'm not bold enough, not willing to look foolish or go out there and get dirty and work for the Kingdom. How do you fake it to make it, keep smiling and preaching the good word when you're tank is on "E" and not feel inauthentic?

I want to say "YES" to God, give Him my Yes. But what would that look like? Are we called to domestic normalcy as a family, or something more radical? Are we called to expand our family by adoption, or accept what we already have? I don't feel strongly any tugs on my heart in any one direction; if anything, it feels like we've been in this holding pattern for a few years now, waiting on instructions. 

Mid-life Catholicism is hard. I feel like I haven't amounted to much--I'm coming to terms with that in my career, and okay with it. But in terms of my faith life, I don't have any wisdom (All I know is that I know very little); not much virtue to speak of; lacking in the kind of faith that moves mountains and works miracles; a tepid zeal; and so few people who have come to faith by way of me sharing the Good News with them. The desire to be a saint has not left me, but it feels so naive and sophomoric. In the stages of spiritual development, I'm probably somewhere on the second rung of the ladder. What can I possibly write about, then? What do I have to share? Everything has been done or said. Even the "movement" of traditionalism with all its prophets and spokesmen, if it is just another trend (like repackaging 1970's Charismatics for the 2020's) is already growing tiresome. Nothing new under the sun. Just swings of the pendulum from this side to that side. 

God bless you, and I thank you in advance for your prayers.