Faithful To The End

 I have been at my current job for almost ten years now. I think it suits me well, I've found my groove, and I'm relatively competent in it. Dare I say, I like what I do. 

But over the course of the past ten years, our department has undergone tremendous upheaval and endured a lack of stability for years on end. I have had six different bosses during that time, and have been pushed to the brink during COVID with the implementation of a new system and having to cover multiple jobs while people were out on leave. There were times when I perused LinkedIn to see what else was out there, as I was generally feeling unappreciated and unhappy. 

My dad was a public school teacher for thirty years. It was his only professional job, and in those last few years, it was a real grind for him. He personally benefited from staying in that position, and I have incentives to stay in mine that other people may not have. For some people, it may make sense to hop around in order to move up the career ladder, or try new things. 

I've heard that "people don't quit jobs, they quit bosses." There's a lot of truth to that. In my situation, I liked my job but experienced a degree of professional PTSD in which what seemed normal to myself my colleagues was actually pretty dysfunctional and unhealthy. For a number of years and during these periods, I just put my head down and grinded it out.

I think the 'grass is greener' mentality is a real thing--that this or that job will be better than my current one--but it isn’t always telling the whole truth. The same way depression says "it will never get better," or you become convinced in your marriage that the only way to happiness is by leaving it.

In my situation, I was glad I stayed and rode out those periods. I got a new director and new dean this year who are great, my colleagues returned from leave and I went back to just doing one job, and we seem to be stabilizing the ship. Even though things were awful, they got better. That's not to say they can't get worse. But even if they do, my intention is to still, hopefully, put my head down and grind it out. 

For many Catholics, remaining in the Church can be trying. The Church, for all intents and purposes, appears to be completely dysfunctional, mismanaged, and corrupt beyond belief. The captain comes across as abusive and vindictive, and demoralizes those most devoted to the mission of the organization. Things appear to have no rhyme or reason; it's as if She has forgotten what she stands for. 

Does anyone else feel this way? I certainly do.

But I also love being Catholic. I am grateful for my ransoming and redemption by Christ the Savior, grateful for the corporal body of the local church, indebted to her timeless teaching, and my life is infinitely better because of my faith and religion. That doesn't mean its all roses and level paths. But were I to "quit" the Church because of the "bad boss" or the drama or dysfunction, I would be infinitely worse off.

Now, a job is not a faith, and there is nothing wrong with job hopping. I only use the example analogously. I have also made the case to "stick it out" in faith and marriage here and here. When all seems lost, that is when the forgotten seed of resurrection sprouts. As Peter asked when people were leaving Christ on account of his teaching, "To whom should we go, Lord? You have the words of eternal life." (Jn 6:68). 

Bad popes come and go. So do good popes. God will reveal all things at the end of the age, and our salvation depends on our own faith and perseverance, not the state of the Vatican or the Church. If anything, when things are most dysfunctional and a source of embarrassment, Christ gives us the great opportunity to rise up and be fools for the Kingdom, to do the work of restoration and in doing so earn our heavenly reward. 

But you don't gain that when you defect, just as those who divorce after decades will never experience the Golden Years of married life. Yes, there may be the allure of "great community" in your local mega-Church, or beautiful liturgy in Orthodoxy, or what have you. The Church is going through a great trial, and as scripture says, even the elect will be deceived during this period, were that even possible (Mt 24:24). But only those who remain faithful to the end will be saved (Mt 24:13). You don't earn the crown by quitting the race.

Darkness comes before dawn. We must remain vigilant and watchful. That is the spirit of Advent, especially, so it is apropos to do so now and not wait. No matter how bad or dysfunctional things get in the Church, nothing can separate us from the love of Christ Jesus. 

Nothing.

Do The Hard Thing

 "Suffering ceases to be suffering at the moment it finds a meaning."

--Victor Frankl (neurologist, psychiatrist, philosopher, author, Holocaust survivor)

Wim Hof, colloquially known as "The Iceman," has climbed Mount Everest in shorts and sandals, run a half marathon barefoot in the Artic Circle, and been submerged in ice for almost two hours. But for the sixty-two year old Dutchman, these cold weather endurance feats are the least painful of what he has endured. “I can do it all," he notes "because compared to a grieving heart, it is nothing.”

His wife (who suffered from schizophrenia) took her life in 1995 by throwing herself from an eight story building, leaving Hof--a young father of four at the time--to pick up the pieces. Between the grief of losing the love of his life, and being forced to continue living and providing for his children, Hof had no consolation, no answers to deal with the pain and no recourse to relief. He was paralyzed with fear, gripped by anxiety, and swallowed up in emotional agony...and nothing alleviated it.

Until he disrobed and slipped into a freezing lake one Sunday morning.

While his body was gripped and paralyzed by the cold, his fear, grief, and anxiety melted away.

"Instead of being guided by my broken emotions, the cold water led me to stillness and gave my broken heart a chance to rest, restore, rehabilitate."

"The only thing that gave me peace," he recalls, "was the cold."

While I am not a devoted follower of the so-called "Hof method," I have been employing the relatively simple habit of turning my thermostat down in my house to 55 degrees, and taking cold showers every morning for the past few months. It is both the worst part of my day...and the best. The worst, because the shooting pain of ice water stinging your frigid body with no place to hide from it is akin to a mild form of torture. The best, because it did not kill me and I live to see another day.

The author Natalie Goldberg, when she was going through a divorce, approached her roshi (Zen master) and asked him, "Roshi, will I get used to loneliness?"

"No, you don't get used to it," he said, "I take a cold shower every morning and every morning it shocks me, but I continue to stand up in the shower. Loneliness always has a bite, but learn to stand up in it and not be tossed away."

The jury is still out in the scientific community as to the verifiable health benefits of cold therapy and ice baths. Anecdotally, I feel more alert, more alive, and suspect that there are more endorphins flowing through my body after emerging from the shower.

But there is something else, though, beyond the positive physiological effects.

I know the emotional agony and sense of darkness Hof experienced when he lost his wife. But in my case, I was the one standing on the proverbial ledge eight stories up, unable to find a way to escape. The moral guardrail of my religious faith restrained my desire to meet the same fate as Hof's wife, to escape a jet-black depression that seemed like it would never end. In the darkest clutches of depression, the things that would most benefit mental wellbeing--exercise, friends and family, prayer--are the most aversive.

But what if we could will our bodies away from atrophy--doing the exact hard thing we have no desire to do?

If we are convinced we can't survive two minutes in an icy lake, and we jump in anyway, what do we have to lose if we want to die in that moment anyway? If we die, we obtain the wish of our distorted mind. But if we come out of the experience, panting and shivering but very much alive and with a new lease on life...what if that was the spark needed to ignite the will to live again?

Indeed, in the city of Yukutsk, Siberia--the coldest city in the world--men routinely remove their clothes when it is minus 50 degrees Farhenheit to take ice baths outside. Their bodies are acclimated to the cold, and they rarely get sick. And in Russia and Ukraine, the Orthodox faithful celebrate the Feast of Ephiphany in January by plunging into icy lakes. "Epiphany is purification," one congregant of the ritual observes, "My soul is cleansed and I'm charged with a good mood for the whole year ahead."

There is no denying that Hof has attained a level of physical transcendence of the limitations of the body by the power of the mind that is remarkable. But he maintains that he is not unique, and that anyone can push themselves farther than they thought possible and gain mental clarity and emotional control, simply by doing the harder thing.

"As humanity has evolved and developed ways to make our lives more and more comfortable, we have lost our ability not only to survive but to thrive in extreme environments," the Iceman notes. "The things we have built to make our lives easier have actually made us weaker."

Though I'm still soft in a lot of ways, I've grown to love my morning cold shower. I mean, I hate it. But I love it. Every time I step into the stall, I know what is waiting for me: cold, hard pain. And every time I turn the shower handle as far to the right as it will go and pull it back, there is a part of me that feels like I am going to die as soon as those thousands of icy needles fly the wall and strike my naked torso.

But then, I don't. I yelp, and curse, and cry a little. But I don't die. A few minutes, and it's over. I'm still here. I continue to stand up. And I will not be tossed away.

This Advent, Become The Saint You Were Made To Be

 One of the great mysteries of the Catholic life and spiritual economy is that God, in the great dignity he bestows on us as men with free will, predestines us to be cooperators with grace. That is why the predeterministic theology of Calivin (so called "double predestination") is such an affront to human (and Divine) dignity: God, in His infinite love and goodness, did not pre-destine man for death and damnation, but life and eternal salvation. It is by our free choice that we accept the invitation to be saved, and by our lives that we cooperate with grace to achieve it. We actually do play a part in the divine economy, and what we do in this life matters.

I was reminded of this while watching (for the first time!) with my family last night It's A Wonderful Life, which we rented from the library. I was initially a little snarky about it when it came to the quirky theology ("every angel gets his wings"), but in looking past those shortcomings, found it to be a wonderful, feel-good movie, especially for the start of the Advent season.

It spoke to me especially in that I had had similar thoughts in my twenties and thirties to that of George Bailey's, that "It would be better that I had not been born." This is the distorted thinking of depression that the Devil leverages against us. I wrote a little about my experience with this battle against the demonic here, here, and here. The holidays can also be hard for people who struggle in this way. "No one is a failure who has friends," was one line in the movie, and I realize I am very rich in that regard. But many people suffer from such an acute loneliness that is felt around the holidays because they may lack the gift of friendship, and feel like if they were taken out of existence, no one would even notice. This is the great poverty Mother Teresa spoke about--of being unwanted, unloved, and uncared for. 

But God has chosen each and every one of us for a purpose, not always apparent on the surface. Lately around campus and while driving, I will see these lawn signs pop up: "You are loved," "You matter," "Don't Give Up." As if there is a spirit in the air in our present age in which many people feel the opposite, and need to be reminded. It's a noble effort, but for the person questioning their continued existence, they can come across as platitudes. "I am loved by whom? I matter to whom? Why should I not give up?" The secular world does its best to answer these questions, but often unconvincingly. That there is a divine appointment in It's A Wonderful Life--an second-class angel named Clarence sent from Heaven to intercede when George Bailey is tempted to end his life--that would be anathema to the present age of filmmaking. 

But for Christians, these questions are easily answered, though we can sometimes take them for granted: God loves me, I matter to Him, and I should not give up because I have a job to do for the Kingdom. It doesn't just happen, either: George admits he is not a "praying man" but is "at the end of his rope" and admits he needs help in his dire predicament. Essentially, his prayer is simple and sincere, and God hears him and sends Clarence to teach him a lesson. God intercedes, and George co-operates, to change the course of his family, his community, and the lives of countless people.

Christians can sometimes fall into the trap of thinking they need to be the next Mother Teresa, or St. Francis, or what have you, when really, we are being called to be the saint for our age. You were born for a purpose, set apart to fulfill a destiny, without any real idea of how many people's lives you may change. George Bailey was given a second lease on life when he was shown what life would have been like had he gotten his ill-fated wish of "never having been born." His world, his community, was not better off--in fact, it was the opposite! 

The great mystery in the predestination we believe in as Catholics is that God is ominpotent and knows when we will reject him, but respects our free will so much that He does not interfere with those choices to willfully say "no thank you" to grace. He does not impose Himself, but stands ready at the door for our hearts to turn to Him with even the slightest posture of openness. When we knock, He opens. When we ask, He gives.  

Mary the Mother of God, is our model of this humble deferance to the invitation to change the course of human history. In the Annunciation, the angel Gabriel announces the Incarnation to Mary, and Mary in turn offers her fiat--her declaration of willing assent to co-operate in this magnaimous work of grace. We are given a new lease on life because of her "Yes." 

Have you ever considered, then, how much hinges on your own "yes" to grace? How many people God has set in your path and who are depending on you to be holy? When we say "no" to God's invitation to carry out the divine will, to cooperate with grace, we are men rich in worldly treasures going away sad (Mk 10:22). When we arrive home, our "good things" fail to fill the hole of purpose. But when we say "yes," leaving all we have to follow Christ wherever he goes, we too find a new lease on life, a purpose, which surpasses all worldly wealth. "My bread," says our Lord, "is to do the will of Him who sent me and to complete His work" (Jn 4:34). 

Our Lord is calling you, and your brothers and sisters in this world are depending on you. He has given you everything you need to become a saint. The bread of grace is filling; the well of eternal life slakes even the deepest thirst. We need a revolution of saints. Do not listen to the lies of the enemy who hates you and seeks to deceive you into turning down the invitation to grace. He has no power over you...but you will have power in Christ to change the course of history with your fiat, your "yes." 

This Advent, become the saint you were made to be. 

Mea Culpa, Mea Culpa, Mea Maxima Culpa

 "Keep falsehood and lies far from me" 

(Prov 30:8)

One reason I have such an aversion to politicians is that they rarely, if ever, admit when they are wrong about anything. Often, it's the opposite: they will obfuscate, deflect, gaslight, or simply doubledown rather than admit fault. Truly loathsome behavior that is all too common.But that's the game, and, as Omar Little from The Wire famously said, "the game is the game." And the game is only as good as its rules. 

On the flipside, for those who are wrong on a matter, even when they were well intentioned but have been proven to be incorrect on a matter and have the humility to admit it...that's admirable.

I've seen this in the liturgical world. Old-school theologians like Dr. Janet Smith and Dr. Scott Hahn--people of formidable intellect, good will, and integrity--who had built their careers on a post-conciliar foundation, have begun attending the Latin Mass and have shifted gears on the "reform of the reform." Part of this "Emmaus moment" in light of new "data" (or "fruit", if you want to speak theologically) that may not have been available twenty years ago when the New Mass was the only item on the menu for them. On the flipside, you have popesplaining sites like Where Peter Is and those who will seemingly go to their grave defending the Council doubling down with shoddy attempts to prop it up.

In the scientific world, Dr. John Campbell is one of those people willing to pivot in light of new evidence. A retired British Nurse Educator who holds a PhD in Nursing, he has been posting videos on his Youtube channel that took an evidence-based approach to the COVID pandemic for the past couple years. Like a good evidence-based educator, he tries to disseminate data for the everyday person in as unbiased a matter as possible. I don't know anything about him personally, and have only viewed a few of this videos over past two years when they pop up in my Youtube feed, but I get the impression he is someone trying to use his educational knowledge for the benefit of others, with good intentions. 

While Dr. Campbell was an initial proponent of COVID19 vaccination, and used the supporting data at the time to try to interpret transmission and spread of the virus, in his latest video he admitted, "I feel naive for not questioning them (the medical establishment) more. If science isn't about truth, it's about diddly squat."

He mentions that what he previously discounted (those who were labeled as "conspiracy theorists") now seems to have merit in light of the evidence, and that he felt let down by the peer-reviewed literature and somewhat "sickened" when realizing that the trust he had placed in the medical establishment and the scientific community was misplaced."I conveyed to you at the time information [on viral origins] I was getting from the scientific literature. And it turns out now that this is not as analytical as it would like to be. And I'd like to apologize for getting it wrong." Keep in mind this is just an ordinary, unfunded retired PhD doing this because he wants to know the truth about this virus. But I think he is now realizing, like many of us are, that the truth of the matter goes much deeper and darker than we initially thought.

I'm consistently late to the party, and usually wake up to the truth of things at least ten steps behind most of those I associate with. I think this is in part because I surround myself with good, astute, and honest people (who, nonetheless, are flawed and have blinds spots like anyone else). COVID was no exception in this case. And so, if you'll allow me the liberty, I'd like to take a cue from Dr. Campbell and clarify a few things on that matter that I've written on this blog, and attempt to make amends as needed. There are some things I stand by, and some that, in light of conscience and new "evidence", I would like to concede. 

First, a bit of background: in 2020, my father in law was suffering from kidney failure and on dialysis, with my wife (who is an ER nurse working part time) as his main caregiver. When the vaccine was rolled out, we felt we had sufficient reasons to consider it given her father and that she herself was working on the COVID ward during the height of the pandemic. I wrestled with the issue, having reservations about its novelty but also knowing that we were not sensitive to vaccines (vaccine injury) or opposed to vaccination in general. Theologically, my views alligned most with that of philosopher Edward Feser: I felt vaccine mandates were unjust, unwaranted, and immoral, but that one could in good conscience take the vaccine if they desired to. This is because that authority to determine what is moral rests with the Magisterium, and She has already spoken in her rightful authority. I openly opposed any purports to the contrary, even by high-profile and zealous clergy, that one was culpable of sin for vaccinating. That judgment is not theirs to make. I stand by that.

On other matters, such as masking, I was somewhat neutral. Did they help 'slow the spread'? Sure, then go ahead and wear a mask. What if they didn't? Then don't wear one. Of course I had many friends who dug their heels in when it came to mandatory masking in hospitals or schools, and refused to ever don one. I took the 1 Cor 8 approach. I wasn't pro-mask or anti-mask, pro-vaccine or anti-vaccine; what I was against was Catholics conflating these things with a Catholic moral identity.  I.e., if you chose to wear a mask or get "jabbed," you were less of a Catholic; or that by not wearing a mask or not getting vaccinated you were more of a Catholic, more virtuous. In my mind, these were ancillary and not directly moral issues, but the conflation (similar to the way we can conflate nationalism with moral virtue) was all around me. I stand by that.

As mandates loomed larger, I felt a degree of shame that I was "off the hook" in choosing to vaccinate while many of my friends were being treated like social and professional lepers for holding their ground (though to note, neither my wife nor I have gotten any boosters since our initial shots two years ago, and we have no intention of (COVID) vaccinating our kids). I admitted in "Nowhere Near the Man I Thought I Was" that,

"I know for a lot of guys I know, they will be facing some hard decisions of being put to their own personal test with regards to vaccine mandates and their jobs in the ensuing months. Though I'm reticent to attach an objective religious or spiritual dimension to these decisions myself, for the individuals facing these difficult situations in conscience, that may be the case for them. They may find themselves saying "I will never get the jab" and staring down the barrel of a proverbial gun as a result. They will either have to face the consequences of these decisions, or perhaps be delivered from them. [When Fr. Walter Ciszek was broken by the KGB, he recalled]:

'I had asked for God’s help but had really believed in my ability to avoid evil and to meet every challenge. . . . I had been thanking God all the while that I was not like the rest of men. . . . I had relied almost completely on myself in this most critical test—and I had failed.'

In light of this...well, let's just call it what it is: an admiral stubborn refusal to bend--I myself felt like "a worm, and not a man." In fact, it was that line from Psalm 22:6 that I was meditating on this morning in prayer that got me thinking about this issue of shame and regret at being wrong about something. It was my friends, however, the ones who saw the truth of what was occurring during this pandemic from the start, even when they were called right-wing nut jobs and conspiracy theorists, that held fast because they were more perceptive than I was--that something wasn't adding up. Their treatment?

"Scorned by everyone, despised by the people.

All who see me mock me;

    they hurl insults, shaking their heads." 

(Ps 22:6-7)

Watching Mr. Campbell--who has millions of subscribers to his channel--realize over the past six months or so that things weren't adding up as to the origins of this virus, the cover ups, the lies and obscurfication, the gaslighting that he had indevertently led some people astray has forced me to re-examine my own presuppositions about my trust in authority--both of the government, the medical establishment, and the Church--and wonder if I too were too trusting, too naive, and too unquestioning. I myself had thrown around the term "conspiracy theorist" about those who took what I saw as a more 'extreme" approach to questioning what we were being fed, perhaps to assuage my own insecurity at having made what I now regard as a wrong decision (that is, to vaccinate). Yes, yes, I made the best decision I could given my circumstances with the information I had at the time. I am not wallowing in guilt or scruples. Though I have suffered no ill effects, that's not to say it can't happen down the road. I am ready to die, though I will have to answer for every idle word at my particular judgment. For that, I would beg your prayers and God's mercy.

It seems that perhaps many of my friends and those in our circle will be vindicated on this issue--of maintaining the lab leak theory, among others. If they were right about that, what else might they be right about? And, conversely, if Fauci and those in our government and the medical and "public health" establishment lied about that, what else are they lying about? If we can't trust the people and institutions we should be able to trust, where does that leave us?

Yet you are enthroned as the Holy One;

    you are the one Israel praises.

In you our ancestors put their trust;

    they trusted and you delivered them.

To you they cried out and were saved;

    in you they trusted and were not put to shame.

(Ps 22:3-5)

So, to those I may have too blythly discounted or labeled...I'm sorry. You may have just been seeing more clearly than the rest of us, both a gift and a burden. Like I said, I'm always late to the party...but I do show up eventually. I'm still learning, still sifting, still trying. And while our government, bought establishments, and even the Church herself have undermined our trust and confidence by their cover ups and deceptiveness, we as Christians will continue to trust in the Lord God to reveal all the hidden things, when the time is right. For "even in darkness I cannot hide from you. To you the night shines as bright as day. Darkness and light are the same to you." (Ps 139:12)

"Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy." (Prov 28:13)

The Novus Ordo May One Day Save Your Life

 One of the struggles I have as a traditionally-minded Catholic is to be on guard as David was when he prayed, “Who can discern his errors? Forgive my hidden faults. Keep your servant also from willful sins; may they not rule over me. Then will I be blameless, innocent of great transgression" (Ps 19:12-14). Catholics who have such dispositions towards Tradition may find themselves on the high ground in some areas, while completely blindsided by others. I think this is especially the case when it comes to a critical spirit, and pride--dangerous and pernicious sins that burr into the crevices of our spirit and make a home without us even realizing it. 

While I believe the Holy Father's inquisition against Traditionalists is unjust and targeted, it is similar to the way stereotypes operate--there is always a degree of truth in the broad-brushing. Are Traditionalists one-hundred percent "Triumphalist, self-absorbed, Promethean neo-Pelagians?" as Pope Francis has uncharitably referred to them? Of course not. Are there degrees and elements of this in many of them? For sure. Are traditionalists greater saints than the rest of us? God only knows.

I find myself slipping into this kind of subtle nose-snubbing, sometimes without even realizing it, separating traditional Priests and congregants from N.O. priests and congregants in a kind of unconscious "A-list" and "B-list", Marines vs. Army, etc. I think part of that is that I am using the wrong canon (ruler) to measure with. While I believe that the Extraordinary Form is as a matter of objectivity more beautiful, more reverent, and more fitting liturgy for worship than the Ordinary Form, this is not a silver bullet for transforming oneself or one's family into saints on it's own. The canon in this sense for us should not be "which liturgy is more reverent" or "which group of congregants has it right," but "to what degree am I being made holy myself?" 

I have written before about various reasons why, were push come to shove as it relates to the implementation of Traditionis Custodes, assisting at the SSPX is off the table for us. This is a personal decision that every individual and head of household needs to discern for themselves, what line they will and will not cross were the Latin Mass to be taken from them. I have wrestled a lot with this, and do not take these matters lightly. While educating myself on the history, their canonical status and Archbishop Lefebvre himself, I have grown more sympathetic and understanding towards the Society. 

But there are still elements which give me pause, despite those who seem to gloss over such issues. I've already written about the marriage issue here. But there is another more general disposition being that many Society priests will provide council against attendance at the New Mass, even when there is no traditional Mass available:

"When it comes to attendance at the Novus Ordo Mass, SSPX priests do not hesitate to tell faithful that they should not attend that Mass under any circumstances, even on a Sunday and in a place where no traditional Mass is available. It is a very clear and straightforward matter. 

The purpose of attending Mass is to give glory to God and to sanctify one’s soul. But we hold that the New Mass is not pleasing to God and so dishonors Him. As such, to attend the Novus Ordo Mass is to go against the very purpose for going to Mass. Instead of honoring God by attending Mass, one is dishonoring God by doing so. "

If one takes this matter of not fulfilling their Sunday obligation lightly, they should prayerfully reconsider what is at stake here. For this counsel no longer becomes one of preference or objective reverence, but elevates a beautiful and reverent illicit Mass above a potentially banal and unedifying Mass which is nevertheless both valid and licit. In other words, in the example of when one is traveling, there is no excuse to forgo Sunday Mass even when there is no Traditional Latin Mass and the Novus Ordo is the only option. Canon 844.2 states:

§2. Whenever necessity requires it or true spiritual advantage suggests it, and provided that danger of error or of indifferentism is avoided, the Christian faithful for whom it is physically or morally impossible to approach a Catholic minister are permitted to receive the sacraments of penance, Eucharist, and anointing of the sick from non-Catholic ministers in whose Churches these sacraments are valid.

There is no doubt or argument that the sacrament of Holy Eucharist is valid when confected in Society chapels. There is also no doubt that whenever necessity requires it, the Church permits the faithful to receive these valid Sacraments. I think the issue here is the license the faithful take with "as true spiritual advantage suggests." That is, the argument being made is that the Novus Ordo is so egregiously offensive to God and so spiritually damaging to the formation of faith, that this constitutes justification for the regularization outside of emergency situations to take refuge in a SSPX chapel. In other words, the exception is now made the norm. In my own humble opinion, this is a tenuous reasoning that carries with it spiritual perils that may not be immediately apparent.  

Society priests were truly worthy of admiration during COVID when chapels were kept open as some diocesan churches shuttered in response to the virus; they recognized the "essential nature" of spiritual nourishment, whereas many diocesan parishes may have regarded it otherwise. Of course, this statement is easy to make in retrospect, when the reality is that two years ago was that no one really knew the degree of threat which the virus posed and how it was transmitted; pastors were making best judgments with limited information. To that end, a little grace would go a long way.

And yet, some saw this valiant witness of the SSPX during this time and took up a home there. Some (as one young father I am loosely acquainted with) even seemed to adopt a semi-Donatist mindset of regarding Novus Ordo priests who shut down churches and withheld sacraments during this period as apostates.  

All this being said, it is wishful thinking that the New Mass (which comprises over 98.5% of Masses celebrated in the United States) will go by the wayside. The reality on the ground is, most of your sacramental exposure--for better or for worse--will be proxy to a so-called "Novus Ordo priest."

I wrote in The Hunger Years that,

"A time is coming when people will seek absolution for their sins and find, not a priest unwilling to open the door, but no priest at all. A time is coming when people will notice they are hungry for the Eucharist, for the Holy Mass, for a blessing—the very things we take for granted today—and they will go away hungry because there is no priest to feed them. Faithful Catholics will want to have their children baptized, want to get married, and will find waiting lists months long. The churches they knew from their youth will be museums. Those in mortal sin will beg for a priest to hear their confession and will not be able to find one. Those possessed by demons will have no recourse, and exorcists will be so overwhelmed they will have no choice but to turn people away.

We are entering the mission era of the Church in the United States. You would be wise to prepare yourself now with spiritual food for the journey, with the Eucharist, daily Mass, Confession—because the hunger years are around the corner. Avoid mortal sin like the plague. Fast and pray for the Lord to call up mighty warrior priests who are not afraid to go into the fray. Get your own house in order so you can evangelize as a living example to others. Be open to life and welcoming of children. Instruct them well and be intentional about passing on the Faith and living it out. Encourage your sons to become priests if it is God’s will for them. Catholicism is not like other Christian denominations. No priests means no Mass. No Mass means no Eucharist. No Eucharist means no life within you."

When I get kind of liturgically and spiritually snobby without realizing it, I'm sometimes reminded that the vast majority of people in need of grace do not have ideological dogs in the fight. For some, they may have been away from the Church for decades and are just one confession away from salvation. For others, they may be Christians of a another denomination and have an insatiable appetite for the Lord's flesh and blood. Others may be on their deathbed and desire the grace of Extreme Unction to find a final resting place. Or, they might simply be like my Latin Mass attending friend who was going through a hard time in her life. I curtly tried to spare her one night when she asked where she could attend Mass in our area on a Tuesday, but was humbled at her response; "No TLM tonight; just the Novus Ordo," I said. She told me plainly in response, "Friend, I need Jesus."

There is an incredibly moving scene in Padre Pio: Miracle Man (1:47-1:51 for the particular scene) in which Padre Pio faces his Vatican persecutor during his final hours and illuminates the priest to a memory in which he closes the door on a soldier seeking absolution; the priest acted in fear and dereliction of duty, and the soldier was killed, unconfessed. The hardened priest is filled with shame, yet Padre Pio reassures him, "I absolved him for you," (by way of the miracle of bilocation). Not only that, but the saintly Padre Pio humbles himself before this priest to seek absolution at his hands in his final hours of life. Two priests--one saint, one sinner--embracing through the grace of the Sacrament.

I am relying on grace to preserve my family should our diocesan Latin Mass no longer be an option in the future, and I pray for discernment. It is not easy, nor is it easy to defer in a spirit of obedience our preferences when we are more inclined to dig our heels in in a spirit of defiance. I don't know what the right answer is, and continue to wrestle with it. But I do believe that God is faithful and will not abandon those who seek him with a pure heart. He will give us the grace we need on the day we need it, the way He provided daily manna for the wandering Israelites, even if it doesn't come in the form we expect. If we have the gift of the liturgy in the Extraordinary Form, thanks be to God. If God provides grace by way of the Novus Ordo, I do not want to spurn that grace. 

Take my life, Lord. Take my preferences and melt them in the refining fire of your love. Take my pride and my understanding and purify it for your glory. Take the impurities in my intentions and siphon them out, so that I am left with nothing but a contrite soul wholly dependent on you to live. Filter out a critical spirit and supplant it with pure gratefulness. Give me no more than my daily bread, that I may not curse you in hunger, nor forget you in satiation. Do not abandon me to the netherworld, but unite me with your servant so that I may pray, "Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from thy presence; and take not thy holy spirit from me" (Ps 51:10).  

Running The Numbers: Surving the Winter With Unorthodox Heating Techniques

 

TL;DR synopsis: this is a non-religious, math-heavy, dad-centric, boring Saturday night post. 

Due to the war and the skyrocketing cost of energy, a quarter of those living in the UK do not plan to turn their heat on at all this winter.

I feel their pain. Our neighborhood does not have a natural gas line; we heat with oil (hydronic baseboard). I have played around with the idea of various alternatives; my neighbor switched to propane, one friend supplements with a wood stove, others extol electric heat pumps.

Because we got a new oil boiler 7 years ago, I'm not inclined to switch to propane for a nominal savings in fuel cost. I did get a quote on a wood stove + install ($9,500) which was too rich for my blood. Plus in talking with my friend who has one, he gets cold outside the 75 degrees he keeps his house, so it might soften us inadvertently.

With temps dropping below freezing this week, our family is acclimating to the cold, both outside the house and inside of it. Thankfully, we have a two-zone heating system (separate thermostats for upstairs and downstairs) which saves on fuel. In a typically heating season in the Northeast, we will go through approximately 300 gallons of heating oil for a 2,000 square foot house. 

I am currently figuring the cost/benefit of a single head ductless mini split install + operating costs in order to offset oil usage versus using...a series of simple 1,500w space heaters. People rave about the superiority of heat pumps, but the issue is not as straightforward as you might think. 

The estimate I received from an HVAC guy who stopped by is $6k per head/condenser for a ductless mini-split heat pump. 15 year average lifespan (versus 20-25 for a boiler). That's $400/yr avg (without the cost of electricity)

Heat pumps are 2.5x more efficient than electric space heater, (250% efficiency for heat pump vs 100% efficiency for space heater). So to run a space heater for 8 hrs/day x $.16/kWh is $1.92/day during the heating season. These units are extremely uncomplicated and reliable. If it croaks for whatever reason, I would just buy another one for $10 or so. There is (or at least should be) an inherent advantage and consideration in ease of use, reliability, and simplicity.

HOWEVER, there are three additional factors when it comes to heat pumps that I think many of the green-folks either don't admit or don't take into consideration:

1) heat pumps lose efficiency below 32 degrees F

2) heat pumps use a 'ghost load" of approximately 150 watt-hours during defrost cycle to keep the condenser coils from freezing.

3) heat pumps need to run 24/7, they don't do well "turning them down" at night. It's "set it and forget it"

An unorthodox practice that I have been employing experimentally for the past week is "heat the person, not the house." It's actually been working well, surprisingly, and is incredibly efficient. The idea is to have a series of ceramic space heaters in each room, and turn them on and off as I work, or as we relax in the family room, etc. Basically, only heat where you are. The upstairs and downstairs thermostats would be set to 55 (an acceptable temperature to ensure pipes don't freeze during very cold weather).

The things that get overlooked in the total cost comparison with heat pumps is a) the cost of the unit and installation averaged over it's lifespan; and b) annual maintenance servicing costs

So, I could zone heat during day with space heater downstairs in the family room for 8hrs/day during waking hours and turn off at night for $1.92/day. A heat pump would cost about the same ($1.54) for 24 hrs, and would obviously produce more BTUs, but would unnecessarily be heating at night. Factor in yearly service costs as well ($125/yr?) and you are looking at $400 unit+installation cost/yr averaged; +$125/yr service; +$275 cost of electricity for six month heating season. For a total of $800/yr

The space heater cost me $10. Cost of running it for 8hrs/day for six months is $345. It does not lose efficiency depending on ambient external temp. No maintenance. So, the total cost per year is $345. With oil at $5.50/gal and our oil boiler 87% efficient, electric space heating (which is 100% efficient) is on par price wise with oil now, per equivalent BTU. So, if I got a single heat pump I would be more efficient from an energy usage standpoint, but it would still cost me $445/yr more than running a space heater at this point, apples to apples.

Anyway, just one way to think outside the box this winter; zoned space-heating may not work for everyone, or even be preferable; take it for what it’s worth. But for some families, it may just help them survive the winter without going bankrupt.  

What Does A Healthy Sex Life Look Like For Married Catholics?

 The engine is the heart and soul of a car. It runs best with regular maintenance and tuning, and has the potential to break down without it. 

Part of that regular maintenance is changing the oil every 5,000 miles or so.Why does a car's engine need oil? Well, there are a lot of moving parts in this complicated piece of machinery, and oil lubricates those parts and keeps them operating. It is essential, and you risk engine damage if you go too long between oil changes, or if your oil reservoir has a leak. 

By way of analogy, marital intimacy is the oil for your marriage--it keeps all the components lubricated and running smoothly, prevents overheating, and ensures a long life for the engine. 

John Paul II did a great service to the Church in his expounding on the vision of fruitful sexual intimacy in his "Theology of the Body." Sex in our culture has become so distorted and commodified that it can sometimes be difficult to know what is normal, healthy, and appropriate when one enters into a marriage. Thankfully, Christ and his bride, the Church, have a vision and purpose to our sexuality that is not only healthy and fruitful, but rightly ordered for our flourishing. 

Sometimes, though, the flowery theologizing can sometimes obscure the nuts and bolts of sexual intimacy in the minds of many Catholics. There is also the cultural flipside problem of secular cullture focusing on the nuts and bolts and abdicating any kind of theology of sexual intimacy and expression. 

Healthy Sex in a Marriage Is Rightly Ordered

G.K. Chesterton used the analogy of children playing in a fenced field to illustrate the importance of the moral law in the life of Christians:

“We might fancy some children playing on the flat grassy top of some tall island in the sea. So long as there was a wall round the cliff’s edge they could fling themselves into every frantic game and make the place the noisiest of nurseries. But the walls were knocked down, leaving the naked peril of the precipice. They did not fall over; but when their friends returned to them they were all huddled in terror in the centre of the island; and their song had ceased.”

This is the great grace of the Natural Law, the Moral Law, and the precepts of the Church: they give us a fence for the benefit of freedom. The secular world attempts to live outside this pasture, and may try to enact it's own "rules"--ie, the role of consent, lawful statutes, etc--but it is the Christian life which is the fullest expression of love and freedom. As Augustine said, "Love, and do as you will."

That does mean that in order to enjoy this freedom of conscience these boundaries must be respected and not transgressed. Martial intimacy is complementary in that it is reserved for those of the opposite sex; it is fruitful in that it is open to life; it is rightly ordered in that the marital act is completed in accordance with the Natural Law.

Healthy Sex in a Marriage is Open To Life

Sterilized sex (whether by way of barriers, chemical disruption of cycles, implants, or surgergy) that inhibits ovulation and the potential for new life to result from the marital act is not only a grave offence against the moral law...it makes for bad sex. You can't fight nature and biology--it's a fact that men are naturally more attracted to women when they are ovulating. When one closes the door to their fertility in impermissible ways, they are also closing the door to God's creative process in creating the potential for new life to form. There is something exciting about being invited to co-operate in this creative process, and one misses out on what God intends when they intentionally sterilize it. Fertile sex is good sex!

Healthy Sex in a Marriage is Self-Giving, Loving and Respectful

Sex is the barometer for a relationship, and what happens outside the bedroom affects ones sex life as well. When we act selfishly in a marriage, this can translate to our sex lives as well. When one "takes" without giving, or when one acts out spitefully, it casts a pall over the marital bed and the marriage, because selfishness is sin. Marital sex is not simply about gratification of the senses; it is an expression of embodied love. "Love is patient, love is kind...It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking" as St. Paul writes in 1 Cor 13:4-8.

Respect in marital intimacy preculdes coercion or pressure; it is tender, patient. It does not degrade or sacrifice dignity. It takes into account the individual's sensitivities. "All things are lawful to me," but not all things do profit" St. Paul again writes to the Corinthians, who needed guidance and discipline due to their sexual sins in that community (1 Cor 6:12). To the extent that we are loving and giving to our spouse selflessly, our sex lives will reflect that. 

Healthy Sex in a Marriage is Creative 

Sex is an endowed and brute appetite. But it is also an art, a language, an embodied poem of loving expression. The world is reductionist with regards to the sexual act--it is about technique and machinations. This is one reason why pornography is a lie: it sends the message that good sex is about these things. 

Healthy sex is creative, and creativity can employ variety as a spice. Again, this should be within the bounds of what is appropriate and moral, but it can employ creative license as to the "where," "when," or "how" it takes place, for example. Married people enjoy an immense amount of freedom in how they express themselves sexually, but can fall into routine over the years. It's perfectly ok to mix things up in this regard; variety is the spice of life!

Healthy Sex in a Marriage is engaged in fairly Regularly

As an appetite, sex can be enjoyed regularly and in fact this is a good thing. Frequency of intimacy varies from couple to couple, however, and should not be compared outside one's own marriage. For one couple, once a month may be sufficient for keeping the marital engine lubricated. For others, once or twice a week is necessary. 

There's no right or wrong, but there should be communication and compromise in this matter. Pornography is not only a moral danger, but a public health crisis as well. As St. Paul exhorts, "there should not be even a hint of sexual immorality among you" (Eph 5:3). When you cut this temptation out completely, and do not indulge even fantasy in your mind, you reserve that laser focus of desire for your wife, who benefits from it. Wives, honor this as well for your husband in offering him this gift of regular intercourse.

Healthy Sex in a Marriage is not used as a Bargaining Chip

Unfortunately, sex can be used as a weapon in a marriage. It can be withheld intentionally to hurt and deprive one of their rights. Again, St. Paul writes to the Corinthians on this matter: "Do not withhold yourselves from each other unless you agree to do so just for a set time, in order to devote yourselves to prayer." (1 Cor 7:5)

Women usually have the upper hand in this matter, so they should be conscious and may not realize how sexual intimacy is typically how a man feels loved. Withholding intimacy equals, in the minds of many men, a withholding of love.  

Healthy Sex in a Marraige does not incur Guilt

"My conscience is clear," St. Paul writes again to the Corinthians, "but that does not make me innocent. It is the Lord who judges me" (1 Cor 4:4). One of the greatest gifts of a clear conscience and being in a state of grace is that we do not incur the guilt  of our conscience; this is also the gift of the moral law and the clear teachings of the Church which give us the fenced field to play in. When we step outside that pasture, we fear the edge; this is akin to acting out sexually in violation of the natural or moral law. 

This is the case for so-called "vanilla sex." "You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love" (Gal 5:13). Freedom was made to be enjoyed within the bounds set for its protection.

How To Make Enemies and Alienate People

 I've been getting bits and bobs of the news of Twitter's takeover by Elon Musk. I'm not sure if Musk has a master plan behind this acquisition, but so far it looks like a bit of a financial disaster: mass layoffs, resignations, and ultimatums are gutting the labor force of the company and closing virtually all the offices. Backrupcy seems a real possibility.(Truth be told, though, if Musk's plan all along was to buy and bury Twitter, it may be money well spent if it rids us of this toxic platform by way of the nuclear option!) And of course he can afford a $44B lemon if Twitter ends up going belly-up. 

Musk is a next-level genius on a lot of levels, with an equally insane work ethic. Maybe this is why he has MAGA leanings: Trump himself is in many ways a master manipulator and has an indefatigable work ethic. Comedian Dave Chappelle (a comedic genius in his own right, imo) in his recent SNL monologue illustrated the way Trump controlled the 2016 debate and exploited the weaknesses of his "enemies" in brute fashion:  

"A lot of you don't understand why Trump was so popular but I get it because I hear it every day. He's very loved. And the reason he's loved is because people in Ohio have never seen somebody like him. He's what I call an honest liar. And I'm not joking right now, he's an honest liar. That first debate, I've never seen anything like it. I've never seen a white male billionaire screaming at the top of his lungs, 'This whole system is rigged,' he said. And across the stage was white woman Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama sitting there looking at him like, 'No it's not.'

I said, 'Now wait a minute bro, it's what he said.' And the moderator said, 'Well Mr. Trump if, in fact, the system is rigged as you suggest, what would be your evidence?' Remember what he said, bro? He said, 'I know the system is rigged because I use it.' I said "G*ddamn." And then he pulled out an Illuminati membership card, chopped a line of cocaine up in it and [mimics sniffing].

No one ever heard someone say something so true and then Hillary Clinton tried to punch him in the taxes. She said, 'This man doesn't pay his taxes,' he said, 'That makes me smart.' And then he said, 'If you want me to pay my taxes, then change the tax code. But I know you won't because your friends and your donors enjoy the same tax breaks that I do.' And with that, my friends, a star was born. No one had ever seen anything like that. No one had ever seen somebody come from inside of that house outside and tell all the commoners we are doing everything that you think we are doing inside of that house. And he just went right back in the house and started playing the game again."

Does Trump have "people skills?" Well, yes and no. He has a way of pre-emptively denigrating those he doesn't like with nicknames, for one ( "Low Energy Jeb," "Crooked Hilary," etc), the way an old-school advertising exec would employ jingles in commercials. I would imagine that those who worked with or for him would find him difficult to work for; I would not imagine he has many close friends. 

The strengths of Musk, in contrast, seem to lie in the engineering and 'outside the box' big picture thinking that doesn't accept conventional limitations. He thinks big, aims big, and is not afraid to fail. For both men, capitalism suits their personal proclivities well and gives them an economic arena in which to push boundaries and make things happen. The only thing is, sometimes you need other people to help you make those things happen once the ideas have been actualized. 

Musk's genius (some have speculated he may be borderline Aspergers's or autistic) seems to come at the expense of inter-personal people skills, emotional quotidient, and empathetic awareness. His Twitter house-cleaning seems to align with this "I'm not here to make friends" approach. Despite his genius, human relationships are not his forte. In this sense, he seems to be lacking qualities that could in fact make him a great leader were he able to employ them.

A number of years ago, I read Dale Carnegie's How To Win Friends and Influence People, and just recently checked it out from the library to re-read. The book itself was written close to a hundred years ago and is kind of dated, but the principles are sound. The chapters and principals can be summarized as follows:

Techniques in Handling People

-Don’t criticize, condemn or complain.

-Give honest and sincere appreciation.

-Arouse in the other person an eager want.

Six ways to Make People Like You

-Become genuinely interested in other people.

-Smile.

-Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.

-Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.

-Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.

-Make the other person feel important – and do it sincerely.

Win People to Your Way of Thinking

-The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.

-Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, “You’re wrong.”

-If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.

-Begin in a friendly way.

-Get the other person saying “yes, yes” immediately.

-Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.

-Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.

-Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.

-Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires.

-Appeal to the nobler motives.

-Dramatize your ideas.

-Throw down a challenge.

Be a Leader: How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment

-Begin with praise and honest appreciation.

-Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.

-Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.

-Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.

-Let the other person save face.

-Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.”

-Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.

-Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.

-Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.

Carnegie noted that the most effective leaders (and those who were paid the most) in the field of engineering were not those who knew the most about engineering, but those who possessed the aforementioned skills--the ability to express ideas, assume leadership, and arouse enthusiasm among people. "The ability to deal with people is as purchasable a commodity as sugar or coffee," said John D. Rockefeller, "and I will pay more for that ability than for any other under the sun." (xvii). 

Are these skills innate, endowed at birth? I don't think so. They may come more naturally to one person than another, but unlike rocket science (which someone like Musk may have knowledge in), these are skills that are easily learned if one applies themselves to it. 

When my wife and I were on our marriage retreat a couple weeks ago, I was reminded of the power of these skills with the "5 Love Languages." We had both been familiar with this inventory for a number of years, but it was good to revisit this idea that it doesnt matter how you feel loved--if you attempt to show love to your spouse in the way you receive it, while neglecting the way they receive it, you will encounter conflict and difficulty. 

But intentionally re-imagine that willfull act of loving another in the way they wish to be loved, communicated in a way in which they are able to most fully receive it, and it can be transformative. The combination of the "hard skills" of technical engineering with the "soft" people skills necessary to execute the vision has the potential to create effective leaders that are both innovative and empathetic. And yet it is so rare!

Musk, Trump, Chappelle...they are masters of their craft. I can't speak for Mr. Chappelle on this point, but at least for Musk and Trump, they have some huge (and expensive) blind spots, an untapped potential to be truly effective and empathetic leaders were they to divert some of their time cultivating these "soft skills" that to them may seem worthless or besides the point. To be trite, you catch more flies with honey than vinegar. 

We could even translate this principle to creating an unstoppable force for renewal in the Church: Tradition and Charity. The two are not opposed, but complement each other and fill in the gaps in evangelization.  Even church secretaries--those gatekeepers that can set the tone for a church and/or turn people away in disgust and exasperbation--can benefit from cultivating more people-centric skillsets. 

Ultimately at the end of the day, people are ransomed for Christ by the grace of the Holy Spirit; we don't save people ourselves, we simply extend the rope and invite them into the liferaft with us. God does the heavy lifting. We are not PR or marketing execs, but disciples of Jesus Christ who live by witness. That said, if you want to make friends (of the Cross) and influence people (to win them to Christ), devote as much time to how you deliver the message of the Gospel as you do to the Gospel itself; or to use engineering terms, "optimize charity" in the language in which it can be best received.

The Art Of Listening Is The Act Of Charity

I've always looked to St. Paul's words in his letter to the Phillipians as possessing a kind of secret, a key to freedom, contentment, and inner peace. These things always eluded me growing up. And yet St. Paul's words affirm that he is secure in Christ and this translates to an inner-security that is dependent on no man. For he says, 

"I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want" (Phil 4:11-12) 

The Gospel is replete with these various keys and secrets; the more we pray, the more we read scripture, and the more we knock, the closer we come to unlocking the doors that keep us in bondage and unhappiness. The world does not know this peace, because it belongs to the Devil. For as St. John says, "The world and its desires pass away, but whoever does the will of God lives forever" (1 Jn 2:17). 

God is no gnostic--he does not reserve secret knowledge for a select few, but makes the light of the Gospel available to all in plain view. You may have to sell everything you have in order to buy this pearl of great price. But in doing so, you will have laid claim to an inexhaustable treasure that never corrodes, a well that never runs dry.

Sometimes, though, there are so-called "life skills" that even a godless pagan can plant and thus take advantage of a great harvest; But just as St. Augustine baptised the teachings of Plato in the waters of Christianity, so to can we as Christians lay claim to these more-or-less "natural" skills for the glory of God and the good of our neighbor. One of these skills I would like to posit has great potential for the Christian faithful is learning the art of active listening. 

This morning in prayer I was meditating on Psalm 19:1-4 which speaks to this ability for God to "speak without speaking":

The heavens declare the glory of God;

    the skies proclaim the work of his hands.

Day after day they pour forth speech;

    night after night they reveal knowledge.

They have no speech, they use no words;

    no sound is heard from them.

Yet their voice goes out into all the earth,

    their words to the ends of the world.

Why is listening so important? It is a skill, something we are not necessarily endowed with from birth but one we can acquire and hone over time. But why should we? I've been thinking about this lately, and I'd like to highlight some points and posit a few reasons why we as Christians should devote time to working on this more or less "natural" skill.

 It's okay not to speak

"Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath" (Ja 1:19) We have read or heard these words in the letter of St. James year after year. This epistle is only four chapters long, but is dense and replete with  spiritual wisdom that we can benefit from if we take it to heart. He exhorts Christians in this practical etiquette for their spiritual benefit: be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger.

Sometimes in a spirit of zeal we get the formula reversed--we are quick to speak, and slow to listen. The words of the prophet Isaiah always made an impression on me when he describes the Suffering Servant (which is Christ): "He opened not his mouth" (Is 53:7) Christ did not feel compelled to justify himself before those who held him in bondage: he knew who he was, who he came from, and to whom he belonged. Which leads to the second point:

Confidence and Self-knowledge

"Most of us are just waiting for our chance to speak," as the saying goes. Why is that? Is what we have to say that profound? Or are we just, at heart, insecure about who we are and what we know?

When that is the case, we often overcompensate with words to try to throw people off the trail to our inner sanctuaries. When someone looks us in the eye, it can be unnerving. But often the people who have the ability to look into the soul of another in this way, (or even just look a person in the eye) it is because they are confident in who they are. Even if they know very little, they know that much, and will not try to pretend otherwise. "Know thyself," as the ancient saying goes. Those who stand justified find silence as their greatest witness; "Fools multiply words" (Ecc 10:14). "The one who has knowledge uses words with restraint, and whoever has understanding is even-tempered. Even fools are thought wise if they keep silent, and discerning if they hold their tongues" (Prov 17:27-28).

Respect

Bad listening signals to the people around you that you don’t care about them. How can you claim to love your brother when you don't care enough to hear him? And as St John writes, "Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar" (1 Jn 4:20). 

Active listening doesn't cost you anything. Besides that, it is an act of charity. ‘The greatest compliment that was ever paid me,’ said Henry David Thoreau, ‘was when one asked me what I thought, and attended to my answer.’ 

Patience

Patience is a virtue, and an important (but difficult) one to cultivate. How can we practice it? By listening to others in conversation. Unless we are hermits living in the desert, we will always have opporutnities in conversation with others to defer our words to a later date, and instead give a platform to one who may desperately benefit from it. 

When we hold our tongues, it can feel like bridling a wild horse; it does not come naturally, and we may need to concentrate on intentionally holding back words that press against the inside of our mouths. That is practice, and we will not do it perfectly. But practice makes permanence, as they say.

Detachment

When one comes to awareness that they know very little in this life, that is the beginning of wisdom. It also helps one realize that the value of the currency of their words is perhaps not of as much value as we thought. When one furnishes their house with second-hand goods, they don't worry about someone breaking in to steal them. When one realized we don't possess much wisdom, we can let our words lie fallow, and offer our field to someone else to plant in for a season. 

The gift of non judgement and being present

This can be a tough but fruitful practice--to be present to someone, to give them space to be themselves without judgment. Most of us are wounded, damaged in some way, and at heart feel unlovable. Judgement puts one on the defensive; when we disarm this tendency in practice, it can create a receptivity to what is being spoken judiciously. Conversation is a two-way street, and there is nothing more offputting that having someone speak down to you, or dismissively throw out anything you might say. 

Let me repeat this: you can give someone the gift of your undvided attention, being present to them and listening, without betraying your ideals or morality. The Jews crossed the street when one unclean came in their path (Lk 10:25-37); yet Jesus allows those unclean to touch him (Lk 8:43-48), and lifts up those who have been condemned by the crowds (John 8:1-11). Being present to someone means giving them an invaluable gift--your attention and your time. You would be surprised how far that currency goes.  

Prayer

"My son, pay attention to what I say; listen closely to my words. for they are life to those who find them and health to a man's whole body."  (Prov 4:20). I would wager that the way we speak to and treat others is a reflection of our prayer lives. The more one spends in contemptation, echoing the words of Samuel, Moses, Abraham, Jacob, Isaiah, and Ananias: "Here I am!", the more our interactions with our neighbor reflect this docility. 

Do we know how to listen to the quiet whisper of the Lord? In doing so, we learn how to love Him in silence. If we don't, how then can we listen in charity to our brother in the flesh?  Just as our Lord ties the two greatest commandments together, so too do listening to God in prayer and learning to defer our ego in conversation with others go hand in hand. 

The art of listening is the act of charity. If we can learn to listen, while being rooted in the moral law of God, the grace of Christ's friendship, and the self-confidence to not be swayed by the wickedness of the world, we may well then be approaching the seat of wisdom.

How Not To Be Soft

 Now that winter is peeking it's frosty head around the corner, I am going into full-on dad mode. Some of it is playing the part, some of it is for our bills, and some of it is because there really is a tough-love part of me that does not want my family (or myself) getting too soft. 

There's a strain of this kind of neo-Stoicism on the internet in the wake of influencers like Jordan Peterson ("make your damn bed!") and Pete Adeney (aka, Mr. Money Mustache). The idea is basically that Doing The Hard Thing is something to be pursued, not shirked, as it is beneficially for you on multiple levels. There is truth in the saying: 

Hard times makes strong men; 

strong men make good times; 

good times create weak men.

But here's the thing--as Catholics, we are not Stoics in the classical sense; we don't do the hard thing for the sake of doing the hard thing. We can pursue the difficult path without being masochists, and have some balance and purpose in this undertaking for not only our spiritual, but our coroporal benefit. But nothing is wasted in the spiritual economy. This is why we do penance in this life--for our own souls to make restitution now rather than later, and for the benefit of those suffering in purgatory.

I was thinking about this idea of how having a more ascetical mindset is good preparation for an uncertain future. It takes some 'training' or practice, so to speak, but can also have residual practical benefits. Four areas in particular that came to mind:

Body temperature

Human beings are warm-blooded creatures, so we need to maintain a certain range of internal temperature. However, the human body also has an amazing ability to adapt and acclimate to changes in the immediate environment (within reason). 

Part of the reason I keep the heat low in our house is because we have very expensive (at least this season) fuel oil as our source. Thankfully, my wife is a true team player and doesn't give me too much grief about it; our kids also seem to be hot-blooded, so they are not suffering unduly. 

It's always a little harder in the beginning of the heating season but once we acclimate, stepping into someone's home who keeps it at 70 degrees F or above feels like a sauna. I wouldn't say we're completely comfortable in our house, and we make a point to wear warm socks, sweaters, etc. People act as if this is a major hardship, but really it's just thermodynamic common sense: heat the person, not the space. And since when did being perpetually comfortable become the be all end all?

I still take cold showers, even in winter. I know that is somewhat extreme, (and part of it is simply because it takes forever for the hot water to get to the showerhead in our upstairs bedroom) but there are some health benefits (as people who do icebath plunges realize) and it definitely wakes you up in the morning and makes you more alert. It's uncomfortable. I offer it up. Ironically, it also makes it easier to step out of the shower into a coldish room, since the delta is not as high. 

House size

I have a bit of a minimalist mindset. Part of this is for the preservation of mental health--more "stuff" equals more clutter, which translates to seemingly more anxiety. We are in a Goldilocks situation with our current house--for our family, it is neither too small nor too big, but feels just right in terms of square footage. 

It's ironic, too, that in our area at least, many of the large houses correspond with less children, and many of the large families we know have small to medium sized houses. 

There is probably a happy medium, but I also think it's worth pointing out that for many people, "the stuff fills the space." That is, if you are in a 1,500 square foot home and you upgrade to a 3,000 square foot home, you simply accumulate more things (furniture, accoutrements, etc) to fill in the difference. 

There's nothing more or less noble about living in a smaller space, and there are practical concerns when a family is on top of each other and may be able to benefit from an extra bedroom or a basement. But for the most part, extra space is often a luxury, rather than a necessity, since most families with smaller houses just make it work with bunk beds, multi-use rooms, space saving devices, etc. So, a "bigger house" may or may not be a necessity, depending on your circumstances. And getting rid of junk and clutter can be freeing as well, which may allow you to free up space in your existing house.

Salary and spending

Like housing size, there is a happy medium in terms of salary. I have heard $85,000/yr household income is the 'sweet spot' where basic needs can be met but additional income does not necessarily make one "happier." As Solomon says, "Give me neither riches nor poverty" (Prov 30:8). This is the ideal, but we don't live in an ideal world, and families don't always experience ideal circumstances.

Also like housing size, we tend to "fill the space" with increased spending as salary increases. What were once "wants" now become "needs." This is why so many athletes and celebrities go broke, because they cannot sustain their lifestyles after their careers plateau. It's good to learn how to live on one income, even if both spouses are working, to give a financial cushion for the unexpected and emergencies. To the extent you over-leverage your budgetary margin call, it puts you in a stressful and precarious financial situation that may even make you less happy despite having a higher salary.  The common sense approach is to live within your means: spend, save, invest, and give proportionally. But if you can learn to live on less, you are training yourself better for lean times, even if you have a lot of financial "fat" in your budget currently.

Fasting

Fasting is a good practice for spiritual and physical health. It can be as simple as skipping a meal a few times a week, or not snacking. To the three points above, there is also a tendency for our stomachs to expand the more we eat, so that it takes more food for us to feel full when we overeat beyond what is necessary to our bodies. 

When we limit caloric intake, our stomach shrinks a bit in response, and our baseline of what is needed to sustain ourselves is lowered as well. We can offer up our fasting for the conversion of sinners, for our own selves, or some intention. We can also train our bodies in this way to "do without" when traveling or faced with hard times so that we are not ruled by our stomach. 

Fasting can also be beyond food--like phone/technology fasts, for instance. It's just good to do to work on breaking this dependency...but it is very hard!

All in all, things like exercising, chopping wood, working hard, delaying gratification, and suffering a little helps us not be such butterballs, especially as men. There is a kind of effeminacy in needing to be perpetually comfortable. But we should have balance in all things. Weightlifters know that you get stronger by pushing your muscles beyond their baseline, but then allowing for them to recover as well. These are just four points I was thinking of the other day, there may be more. Feel free to comment to continue the conversation!

The Gates Of Hell Will Not Prevail Against Your Marriage

If there were one analogous example of Christ's promise and commitment to the Church in scripture, it is that of marriage. This union of Christ and the Church is not strictly friendship, not strictly ownership (as a master to a slave), not strictly contractual. Rather the Church is the BRIDE of Christ which encompasses all these elements. This is why Christians can claim divine intimacy as part of our spiritual adoption, and why we can call the God of the Universe Abba, Father. Just as Adam knew Eve and produced progeny, Christ knows us and propagates in us spiritual fruit through sanctifying grace.

In Casti Connubii Pius XI says, quoting the Council of Trent:

". . .By raising the Matrimony of His faithful to the dignity of a true sacrament, [Christ] made it a sign and source of that peculiar internal grace by which 'it perfects natural love, confirms an indissoluble union, and sanctifies both man and wife.'"

That is, for two validly married, baptized Catholics united in a consummated marriage*, there is no force on earth, no solvent that can dissolve this bond...not even the Pope. 

For one who is in a dysfunctional or trying marriage, this can be a source of despair. because it can become a kind of hell with no hope of a valid exit. But because of the effect of sacramental grace in the Sacrament of Matrimony, no marriage is beyond repair when one cooperates with that grace made available in the Sacrament. As Pius XI notes: 

"Since men do not reap the full fruit of the sacraments . . . unless they cooperate with grace, the grace of matrimony will remain for the most part an unused talent hidden in the field unless both parties exercise these supernatural powers . . ."

Even though some may despair at being "stuck with" the person who has become their cross for a lifetime, one can also find great solace in this indissoluble character of the sacramental bond. And what does it relate to, in terms of the analogous example of Christ's wedding to His bride, the Church? For He said that the Church was founded on the rock of Peter, and "the gates of Hell will not prevail against it" (Mt 16:18). In the darkest hours when all seems lost, we can have faith that Christ is not lying and that he will not abandon us to the dark powers. 

Because we have this same assurance with a sacramental marriage--that no force on earth acting outside of it can break it apart--we can have the assurance of stability when we cooperate with grace. St. Paul alludes to this continence when he says that nothing can separate us from the love of Christ: "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord" (Rom 8:38-39).

Because of concupiscence, our wills have be weakened; the Devil cannot enter into us except through the portal of the will. And so, though he is like a wild dog on a leash, when we voluntarily walk into his circle, we have the potential to get bit. But nothing compels us to do this...except our own will. Therefore, when we cooperate with grace, we are choosing to stay in a state of sanctifying grace and the safety of divine protection as it relates to our souls. That is a good place to be, and especially in a marriage. 

In I Liked You The Way You Were Before, I explored the issue of what happens when one partner "changes" in a marriage, and radically so. In this instance it involved an autistic married man who went from being "autistically even keeled" emotionally (which his wife, as a chronically depressed person, appreciated) to someone "joyfully shedding the cloak of disability" and being in tune with not only his own emotions and social cues, but others as well--something foreign to him as an autistic man.

There was also that interesting historic case of Phineas Cage, who seemed to be transformed into another person altogether after a railroad spike went through his skull.  You marry one person, and the next morning you realize you seem to be married to a stranger. 

Of course this can happen also with those married to someone with Alzheimer's. It can be very difficult and trying. But, despite all evidence to the contrary, this is still the same soul you married, that you were joined to as one flesh--even when they regard you as a stranger. 

I was disgusted to hear my parents recount a friend of theirs who had started dating a man whose wife was in this situation. He essentially abandoned her due to this Alzheimer's disease and took up with someone else. I don't know the details, but objectively speaking any justification of such an adulterous action has no grounds and is a deplorable dereliction of duty rooted in selfishness. When we think carnally, we act carnally. 

It's interesting when one speaks of this "You've changed...I know longer know you" phenomenon (which is so common in marriages), but as it relates to the current "marriage" of Christ to his Church. For the manifestation of the Church for us as a family, how it is lived out in worship, has been for the past five years been expressed for us exclusively in the Extraordinary Form. Our kids do not even know the New Mass, it is akin to a foreigner for them. 

But what would happen if the vicar of Christ puts the boot on the neck and, overnight, this form of the Mass was practically abrogated for us as a family? What would we do? For some, this has already happened in their diocese. I was speaking with a priest friend last night over dinner and flushing this out. What would it look like? Would we take up at a Byzantine parish? Fly to the FSSP? Stay at our diocesan parish and attend the Novus Ordo (celebrated ad orientum, but still)? 

I don't have the answers, and just pray for the grace to stay faithful if and when we are faced with this conundrum. Christ will not abandon his Church, just as the marriage between my wife and I cannot ever be dissolved, under any circumstances. Were she to change overnight, become unrecognizable, I would still be bound to her, though it seems as if I were bound to a stranger. And yet, we are called still to be true, to be faithful, til death do us part. 

God will give us the supernatural grace to do that, when it seems impossible to accomplish it through human means alone. Just as in a marriage the grace of the Sacrament is strengthened through regular marital intimacy and conjugal union, so in our lives of faith we are strengthened by regular reception of the Holy Eucharist. Just as we continually ask forgiveness in a marriage and do not hold sin against our own flesh, so are we strengthened in faith in the sacrament of Penance. Just as our witness as a married couple gives courage and our love be like holy chrism, so to with the sacrament of Confirmation as it relates to faith.

The gates of Hell will not prevail against God's church, though the Bride be disfigured in her purification. And the gates of Hell will not prevail against your marriage, because you are assured that the bond which hold you together as one flesh is indissoluble, if you trust that God can sanctify you through it. Every marriage goes through a crucible in which each party is refined; perhaps the Church is preparing to enter that ultimate test as well in the coming days.

*Note: there are other, non-Catholic marital situations which would also constitute a sacramental marriage. See my post Healing a Marriage 'In the Root': What is a Radical Sanation? for a pictographic