No, You Don't "Need" A Spiritual Director

About six months ago I was invited to consider joining an online apostolate focused on advancing in the interior life. This organization was doing good work in the realm of offering community (albeit, 'virtually'), orthodox resources, retreats, and opportunities for spiritual direction. It seemed right up my alley. Until recently, I was active in the online community and had gone on a couple retreats, and had attended a few bi-weekly meetings via Zoom. I even had a brief pro-bono phone session with a priest who served as a bonafide spiritual director; after waiting three months to speak with him, I was given some refreshingly basic advice to do at least twenty minutes of mental prayer a day, and stay in a state of grace. 

Ultimately, though, I found this community wasn't for me, more for personal reasons than anything having to do with the apostolate itself, and I ended up deleting my profile.

For one thing, it was predominated by women. As a forty-something year old married father of three who deleted all my social media a couple years ago, I just didn't feel like "discussing" "spiritual" topics ad nauseum on the message boards was necessarily deepening my prayer life or the best use of my time. Fr. Ripperger made mention in a talk recently that women reportedly derive ten times the amount of pleasure from talking/conversing/discussing than men do. I found that interesting.

I also found myself uncomfortable with the perhaps unconscious message that I would be hindered from making significant progress in the interior life apart from such a community, who seem to have "cornered the spiritual market" and set themselves up as experts in the interior life. Again, this is an admirable organization for helping people in this regard, if it in fact deepens their sacramental and prayer life. I just didn't find that was the case for me, personally. I also maintain that while they may serve a purpose, online communities are not real communities due to the lack of accountability and encounter.

I continue to do twenty minutes of mental prayer daily, attend daily Mass when I can, read scripture and spiritual classics, daily rosary, weekly holy hour, monthly Confession, periodic fasting, engage in the corporal and spiritual works of mercy, and avoid mortal sin at all costs. For me, this is the K.I.S.S. (Keep It Simple, Silly) approach. I figure if I exercise the will as best I can, God will supply the grace and give me what I need to grow closer to him in divine intimacy.  It's not like I'm dwelling in the advanced interior castles of divine union here. 

It's not that I think spiritual direction is unnecessary; I'm simply piloting my own boat by necessity.  Since I am no expert in navigating the interior life myself, and since my only guide at this point is the writings of the saints, the Scripture and Magisterium, and the Holy Spirit, I'm sure I could benefit from periodic spiritual direction.

The problem, as most ardent Catholics know, is that trained Spiritual Directors are not easy to come by. The ones who solicit directees are suspect by the very fact that they desire the role, and the solid priests and religious who reluctantly take on custody of souls are usually few and far between, with demand for their counsel far outstripping supply. 

It's not that for lack of trying, either. I've had a variety of spiritual directors in the past--from a heterodox Jesuit, to a pay-per-visit Augustinian, to a cloistered Trappist, to a monk a two hour drive from my house, it's been a mixed bag of experience. I've come to the conclusion at this point that the relationship between spiritual director and directee is such a weighty one soteriologically speaking, that I would rather have no spiritual director than have one who gives bad spiritual direction. 

In The Dignities and Duties of the Priest, St. Alphonsus quotes saint after saint on the terrible burden of ordination. I would apply these quotes to any would-be Spiritual Directors who take on the custody and direction of souls as well:

"St. Cyprian said, that all those that had the true spirit of God were, when compelled to take the order of priesthood, seized with fear and trembling, as if they saw an enormous weight placed on their shoulders, by which they were in danger of being crushed to death.

"I see," said St. Cyril of Alexandria, "all the Saints frightened at the sacred ministry, as at an immense charge."

St. Epiphanius writes, that he found no one willing to be ordained a priest. A Council held in Carthage ordained that they that were thought worthy, and refused to be ordained, might be compelled to become priests. 

St. Gregory Nazianzen says: "No one rejoices when he is ordained priest."”

 

To address this short supply of, and overwhelming demand for spiritual direction, lay people (again, largely women) have sought to undergo some form of training or certification to become "spiritual directors." I would have to agree with Patrick Madrid here, however, that except in certain rare exceptions, lay people are simply not qualified or competent to serve as spiritual directors, and that even lay people who have some formal training in theology do not, by virtue of that fact, have the requisite qualities necessary to be spiritual directors.

Not only are women the ones who predominate these certification programs in spiritual direction, but it is women also who are the ones primarily seeking out spiritual direction themselves. Whether this is because women by and large process things through verbal communication (ie, talking) and benefit from a listening ear, or if women themselves are more spiritually minded, I do not know. But what ends up happening more often than not is not formal, trained direction, but simply listening and perhaps counseling. Not that the intentions aren't good, but it can be a case of the blind leading the blind. 

Another potential pitfall in securing a spiritual director (should you be so fortunate) is the temptation of deference of responsibility for one's spiritual choices and their subsequent consequences. "My spiritual director said I should x," or "My spiritual director recommended I read y" can have the potential to lead someone into thinking they need to consult their SD regarding a myriad of decisions which, realistically, they could make without such consultation. 

This symbiotic relationship can develop into a kind of spiritual dependency if one is not careful, where we feel we must seek consult for every last thing. Now, certainly, one-off spiritual direction can come in handy during major life changes to help navigate situations in which there are a lot of factors at play. All of us can benefit periodically from having someone to bounce ideas off of. 

But God gives us the faculties of reason because he also expects us to make use of them; we don't need to overly-spiritualize everything. Most of us laity are basic Catholics with basic (common) Catholic problems that are often rectified with general and common-sense advice like the advice I got from my phone consult with the priest-spiritual director: Don't commit mortal sin; do at least twenty minutes of mental prayer a day. Read your Bible. Pray your rosary. Take part in acts of charity. Etc. 

Where this leaves me as a forty-something year old man seeking to advance in the interior life? I don't know, honestly. In an ideal world, we would all have a priest or religious to be our personal spiritual director, we meet monthly, and we advance to the upper echelons of sublime contemplation and divine union in our lifetime. 

In reality, most of us are just trying to piece together a spiritual life like beggars getting second-hand goods donated from a variety of shops. We listen to good Catholic sermons and exhortation on Youtube. We read the catechism, and the spiritual classics like The Spiritual Combat, Introduction to the Devout Life, The Imitation of Christ, and do the best we can. We don't always know "how to pray as we ought," but fall back on the Lord's Prayer, the holy rosary, and simply Adoration. And, of course, regular confession.

On that note, a regular Confessor may be able to serve a more appropriate role, and be easier to come by than a spiritual director for lay men. There is the grace of the sacrament in the forgiveness of sins for one thing. There is also the regularity (once a month, at minimum) and familiarity of going to the same priest, provided they have a baseline of basic spiritual advisement in the context of one's sins, and can provide encouragement and gentle admonishment as needed. 

I have to believe that God gives us every tool, every grace we need to become saints--not through some pre-scripted program or membership club, or only for those who have the privilege of having a spiritual director, but for all people--men and women, young and old, from the simplest illiterate beggar to the most learned theologian. The secret of grace is that it completes in us what we cannot complete ourselves--that is, our sanctification. 

If you have access to solid spiritual direction or the consult of a regular SD, good on you. But Catholics who do not have this privilege should not feel anxious, or that they have no hope of advancing in the spiritual life in that absence. God gives us everything we need, because His ultimate desire is as basic as the first line of the Baltimore Catechism: that we know Him, love Him, and serve Him in this world, and be happy with Him forever in the next. To that end, as baptized Catholic sons and daughters of God, we are lacking in no good thing.