We usually think of self-discipline in terms of the body--exercising, fasting, not indulging every whim of fancy. But I find the hardest discipline I've undertaken so far this year has been the discipline of the tongue.
In trying to be more conscious of my speech (which includes texting communication) and making 'every word count,' I find that I really need to be more deliberate and mindful when it comes to this practice. It is more instinctual to just spout off a barrage of words to fill the sometimes-awkward silence. I'm still working on it, and it definitely is not an overnight process.
What helps is taking a brief pause before speaking, and hitting three check points that I've established for myself (probably borrowed from somewhere) to evaluate. We don't tend to emphasize "right speech" or "mindful speech" as much in Christianity as some of the Eastern traditions, which is fine but I find there is untapped potential in regulating our speech and paying attention to it more than we do.
It's not unprecedented to do so, either. Paul lays out lays out a similar framework of good conduct in speech in his letter to the Ephesians:
Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body. “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. Anyone who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with their own hands, that they may have something to share with those in need.
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. (Eph 4:25-32)
And so, my three 'checkpoints' before a word passes through customs and goes out into the world are as follows:
Is it Charitable?
"Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."
Charity wills the good of another. But our speech is often self-indulgent. We seek to build up ourselves, make ourselves look good, paying no mind to the needs of our neighbors or even giving them an opportunity to speak themselves. Part of charity in right speech is listening, as well as affirming.
But charity can also encompass admonishment, when another can benefit from having his bubble of ignorance popped, for instance, or when one needs to be called to the mat for something. It is not always flattery or dripping words of praise. It must be motivated by love of neighbor, and we typically know when we are or are not being led by love.
Is it Necessary?
"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."
Not everything that comes into one's head needs to be spoken. We use words carelessly as filler, like breadcrumbs in a meatloaf. We choke the air with many needless words, scaring off the dove from the branch of silence in which the Holy Spirit builds a nest. Silence is unnerving for many people.
It's a simple test, and it has been effective at least for me to keep from unnecessarily texting to fill a void: you simply ask yourself "does this need to be said right now, and if so, what purpose does it serve?" As I mentioned in a previous post, I'm not taking a vow of silence, but trying to cull my words and texts by 75% so that only what is needed is communicated. It takes a LOT of practice, and intentionality. I find myself stopping as I'm whipping out my phone to consciously ask myself that very question. Nine times out of ten, what I want to say does not really need to be said.
I do make exceptions with my own immediate family (my wife and children), though I'm hoping that the practice outside of that sphere rub off there as well.
Is it True?
"Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body."
We really need to be mindful of "speaking the truth in love," as scripture says. When we cull the unnecessary filler of words, there is more potency to truth when it is spoken and not clouded by dross and packaging. This means not lying, of course, but also "assuming the best" in others (which I am terrible with) and not exhibiting rash judgment. We may be tempted to tell someone off (which may or may not be true or warranted), but if it is not motivated by charity, it is probably left unsaid.
So, all three conditions should be met before speaking or communicating with a brother or sister, whether pagan or in Christ, for our speech to be holy and worthy. The world doesn't need any more filler. What it needs is true, necessary charity.
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