Penance Should Come From Love Of God, Not Hatred Of Self

There is a story in the Buddhist world that a Westerner once asked the Dalai Lama "What do you think about self-hatred?" The Dalai Lama was startled by the question, and kept asking his translator what the person meant. Eventually, after a long while of trying to get to the heart of the question, he admitted, “I thought I had a very good acquaintance with the mind, but now I feel quite ignorant. I find this very, very strange.”

As the calendar rolled over to the new year, I was surprised to find myself not only making various resolutions--both corporal and spiritual--but carrying them out. I began taking ice cold showers, exercising in the morning, fasting more often, cutting out caffeine,  and even carrying through on an internal resolution to be more intentional about speaking. I've been to Mass and adoration almost every day this past week. These practices themselves are all fine and good, potentially beneficial, and biblically traditional.

None of that really matters, though, because my motivation in undertaking them is out of alignment with the Divine will. To put this in context, I recounted the words of St. John Cassian in a previous post,

"Self -reform and peace are not achieved through the patience which others show us, but through our own long- suffering towards our neighbor. When we try to escape the struggle for long-suffering by retreating into solitude, those unhealed passions we take there with us are merely hidden, not erased: for unless our passions are first purged, solitude and withdrawal from the world not only foster them but also keep them concealed, no longer allowing us to perceive what passion it is that enslaves us. On the contrary, they impose on us an illusion of virtue and persuade us to believe that we have achieved long-suffering and humility, because there is no one present to provoke and test us. But as soon as something happens which does arouse and challenge us, our hidden and previously unnoticed passions immediately break out like uncontrolled horses that have long been kept unexercised and idle, dragging their driver all the more violently and wildly to destruction. Our passions grow fiercer when left idle through lack of contact with other people. Even that shadow of patience and long-suffering which we thought we possessed while we mixed with our brethren is lost in our isolation through not being exercised.

If then we wish to receive the Lord's blessing we should restrain not only the outward expression of anger, but also angry thoughts. More beneficial than controlling our tongue in a moment of anger and refraining from angry words is purifying our heart from rancor and not harboring malicious thoughts against our brethren. The Gospel teaches us to cut off the roots of our sins and not merely their fruits. When we have dug the root of anger out of our heart, we will no longer act with hatred or envy. 'Whoever hates his brother is a murderer' ( I John 3:15), for he kills him with the hatred in his mind." (pp 85-86)

It is clear that this window dressing of piety (while objectively good) is, in fact, motivated by not only a hatred of self, but of my neighbor.  

Something Thomas a Kempis wrote stayed with me, 

"A fervent religious accepts all the things that are commanded him and does them well, but a negligent and lukewarm religious has trial upon trial, and suffers anguish from every side because he has no consolation within and is forbidden to seek it from without."

This "suffering anguish from every side because he has no consolation within and is forbidden to seek it from without" I have often thought about when I catch myself envying the dead, when each day feels like a punishment to endure rather than a gift to give thanks for. I can't kill myself. And yet I have to go on living. I have no consolation within (peace of spirit, charity) and yet I can't end this suffering prematurely as I would often wish."Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God." (Ps 42:11). 

And so, my initial motivation to undertake these various penances is to not only mortify the flesh, but to punish it. Punish my very self for having to exist...for having to keep on living, for not having the grace of being hit by a bus or something. When I do fail to punish my flesh--that is, when I end up eating (ending a three day fast a day early out of weakness), or skip a day of exercise, the cycle of self-hatred perpetuates. The way one talks about a "successful" suicide being one that is carried out--and when one lives, that it is a "failed attempt."

Needless to say, I would better off abandoning it all in favor of charity of neighbor, so that I may love my brother as my self.

 St. Moses the Black had some good insight on the futility of going toe-to-toe with the flesh in this way: "You fast, but Satan does not eat. You labor fervently, but Satan never sleeps. The only dimension with which you can outperform Satan is by acquiring humility, for Satan has no humility.”

Humility, and charity, are severely lacking in my life right now. If these mortifications were motivated by and combined with charity and humility, they would be a powerful force. But as they stand currently, they are nothing but an uncomfortable and resounding gong.

I will continue to exercise and cause discomfort to my body, take the cold showers, fast regularly, hold my tongue...because it is good for my body and my mind. But there is no spiritual merit there at present, and I will not fool myself otherwise. My heart is cold, the well of charity dry. God help me, I long for the respite of death, and death doesn't come. I feel spurned by others, and spurn them myself. I sit in the back pew at church, trying to disappear. I don't know how to love, and I don't know who will teach me. "For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out" (Rom 7:18). 

Charity is the scale of judgment. It is the only thing we exist for as Christians, and the only thing we will be remembered by. Penance is a way to serve charity, not the other way around.